#I don't want to get another job but I really want to keep working with these same kids

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I tried to covertly exclude one of my friends from game nights ? 🎮🎧📞

tw: disordered eating, self harm

I've got a discord friend group of about 15 people though only 10 or so are regularly active and game nights often are usually around 6 people but they rotate who participates often. We're all in the 20s and mostly nonbinary / genderqueer / trans one way or another. I'm 25 ftm personally (they them) and the friend this is about in particular is 22mtf (she/they).

Friend is really excited to hit the 1 year marker in her transition and loves sharing how excited she is about her progress - how strangers at her job are gendering her correctly more and more often, how her cup sizes are growing, how much weight she's lost, wardrobe updates, getting to learn girl things from their very supportive mom, etc etc etc. It's all very exciting, I remember hitting my 1 year marker and i'm genuinely really happy for her.

The thing is I struggled with disordered eating in the past. Several others in our friend group have as well and it's something we've talked about both in related and unrelated convos to this issue. Friend keeps an excel spreadsheet with her measurements from bust to hips to weight and will update us frequently whether we've expressed interest in hearing the exact numbers or not. Exact Numbers was one of the things I kept track of and hearing her tracking them (for very different reasons) will often set me off and i'll start taking more and more unhealthy actions, falling back into disordered habits.

Friend has adhd and very poor impulse control. She often joins conversations and talks over people, completely changes conversational topics on a dime, or forgets who is in a call at any moment and brings up someone's triggers. She'll almost always apologize if someone mentions a social mistake she's made, but because the weight/food intake/number watching is so important to them as a way to track their transition it's the one thing that keeps coming back and back and back. I and the others have tried talking in voice calls, mentioning in text chats in the group and even DMing her but because of the topic and this group being the friend group she feels safest in (we were all the first to know and hyped them up on the hrt journey) these are some convos she only gets to have here

and because of the topic, i feel rude or embarrassed when I have to say "hey can we not talk about this right now or i'm gonna have to leave". So on most nights if it comes up I'll just deafen / go afk / just zone out entirely until the conversation has passed. If it doesn't seem like it's going to or they are so in depth that it's genuinely triggering a self harm response i'll fully leave instead so she can keep having her fun and get excited

Game nights are different though

I'm usually the host of game night and so can pick when we play our silly little games. Obviously people can and do still hangout and do things together Not on specific game nights, and we all do, but game nights are my thing. We play party games over discord or multiplayer competition games or lately have been getting into games like content warning and lethal company when there's 4 or sometimes 5 of us (either someone wants to hang out but only watch or we rotate around who plays round by round)

Friend is often working in the evenings and so bc this is an online friend group they don't actually know my work schedule. We usually only have about half the total number of participants be around for game night anyways, so I've been thinking of occasionally lining up game nights for nights when she's mentioned being busy by saying i work the other nights - but only sometimes. I do really like friend. She can be so much fun to hang out with, excitingly competitive and with interesting knowledge to share and generally a good sport no matter the actual game we're playing. But sometimes the worry about the triggering and the trigginering itself are too much. sometimes i just can't handle when she does it and knowing i can't leave and asking her to stop expressing her joy makes me feel like an asshole anyways so i don't want to be around it.

To be clear. I do not think they are an asshole. Friend is genuinely one of my friends. I like her and hanging out with her. they do not trigger me (or any of the others w this same trigger) maliciously. this is solely would I be the asshole.

TLDR: My friends way of tracking her transition sometimes triggers my eating disorder. would I be the asshole for planning game nights that I host and cannot leave / tune out conversations during so that she cannot attend as often in hopes that I am not triggered as often?

#aita #am i the asshole #eating disorder cw #self harm cw

[beskarandblasters]

I Don't Wanna Keep Secrets Just To Keep You

Part Three of Time, Wondrous Time

Cooper Howard/The Ghoul x F!Reader

Main Masterlist | Cooper Howard Masterlist | AO3

Series summary: You’re California Crest Studios’ newest production assistant, getting the opportunity to work on the hit movie, The Man From Deadhorse. But when you meet the movie’s lead, Cooper Howard, you fall head-first into a secret affair. Enter a war, a cryogenic freezer, and a two-hundred-year time jump. And yet despite all that, you just might run into him again.

Chapter summary: You come to terms with your feelings for Cooper. Later, you share an intimate moment at The Man From Deadhorse cast party.

Word count: 3k

Warnings: reader is able-bodied and wears a dress + makeup, unspecified age gap, jealousy, drinking, dub con/consent under the influence, !!! sweaty Cooper !!!, hair pulling (Cooper’s), oral sex (M and F receiving), vaginal sex, unprotected sex, pull out method, cum swallowing, praise kink, pet names (sweetheart), angst, no use of y/n

That one fateful night led you headfirst into a secret affair. The first night could’ve been nothing but a fluke, a one-time slip-up as a result of a poor decision. But it’s really the second time that confirms the undeniable attraction you two have for one another. The affair lasts through the rest of the shoot. You fall into a routine of getting together at night after the workday is done, always in his trailer and never on weekends. It always ends with you two lying with each other, talking about life. He shares his misgivings about his wife and her job at Vault-Tec. He’s a paranoid man but based on what he told you, you can’t blame him. 

As the end of shooting draws near, you form a pit in your stomach. A sense of dread and longing looms over you. What if you never have nights like these again? What if this is your first and last production working with Cooper Howard? And now that the end is in sight, you realize you have a serious problem…

You’re head over heels in love with him. It’s driving you crazy, craving a man who will never truly be yours. You want more than just his midnights. You want his mornings, his weekends– you want him all the time. In the countless nights you’ve spent with him in his trailer, he’s shown you colors you’ve never seen before. It makes you sick, thinking about the hold he has on you. 

But you wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the whole world. 

-

It’s the last day of the shoot. These past couple of months have flown by. You thought by now you’d be upset to lose your sense of community. But the truth is, you never felt like you were fully integrated into this environment. You joined the crew about halfway through the production when there were already pockets of established groups and cliques. It’s ironic to think about, the leading man being the only person to welcome you with open arms. You never expected him to even give you the time of day and yet here you are, sharing secrets under the cover of night, sweaty limbs intertwined paired with labored breaths. Those nights were fleeting moments of bliss. You wish you had appreciated them a bit more. And now that the shoot is wrapping up, you’re not sure when you’ll ever get moments like that again. 

After a long, hot, tiring day, Emil finally calls wrap. Everyone is packing up when Emil calls everyone for an announcement. 

“I know it’s been a long day and you all want to get home to your families but I just have an announcement I’d like to make,” Emil says. “This has been a long shoot, a lot longer than I intended it to be, and to celebrate I’m having a party for the cast and crew Saturday night at seven. If you need my address, find me before you leave. Thanks, everyone!”

A party for the cast and crew. 

You get butterflies in your stomach, thinking about the possibility of seeing Cooper outside of the studio. You can only assume Barb will be there, too. But it’s worth hearing his voice and seeing his smile, at least one more time. Saturday can’t come soon enough.

You make sure to get Emil’s address before hanging back like you always do. You’re not sure if you’ll get to see Cooper in his trailer again. You can only hope since it’s the last day. But you’ve never talked about what will happen to you now that the shoot’s wrapped up. A sinking feeling in your gut tells you that your relationship will end after tonight. 

You wander aimlessly while you wait for Cooper, reminiscing on your time here and most importantly with him. You turn and glance over your shoulder, watching as Cooper walks towards you, out of costume and in his regular clothes. You smile when you see him but he doesn’t match yours, his mouth forms into a tight frown. 

“Everything alright?” you ask as he approaches you. 

“I can’t stay tonight.”

“No worries,” you lie, already fighting the urge to cry. 

“Something came up with Janey.”

“I hope everything’s okay.”

“It’ll be fine. She’s just sick and Barb has some big meeting with the executives at Vault-Tec tonight. Babysitter’s not available on short notice.”

“Sounds important.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault.”

“I’ll see you on Saturday, sweetheart,” he says, turning and walking away.

“You’re going?!”

“Of course I am!” he calls over his shoulder, walking to the parking lot. 

So much for one last time together. 

-

The shoot wrapped up on a Thursday so luckily you only had to wait a day before Saturday rolled around. After spending an exorbitant amount of time on your makeup and outfit, you head to Emil’s house. You’re wearing one of your favorite dresses, a color that compliments your skin and hugs your body in all the right places. You pull up to Emil’s house, a huge mansion in the hills, overwhelmed at the sheer size of it but also expecting nothing less from him. 

His house is packed with everyone from the studio, letting loose over cocktails and cigarettes. For a minute, you feel like a deer in headlights, anxious about who to talk to and where to hang out. You spot Cooper across the living room, talking with a group of people you recognize. But you’re not comfortable enough to go over there and insert yourself in the conversation. To your delight, Barb isn’t with him. But before you get too excited, you remind yourself she could be elsewhere in the house. 

You get a drink from the wait staff in the kitchen and hang out in the corner of the living room, sipping your drink and awkwardly waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in. But you’re pulled from your pining when a man approaches you, drink in hand and wearing an uneasy smile. You vaguely recognize him. You’ve seen him around on set but you couldn’t place his name or what he does at the studio. 

“Hi,” he says, awkwardly.

“Hi.”

“I’ve seen you around on set.”

“Likewise.”

“I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Dan,” he says, holding out his hand. 

You reluctantly shake his hand and tell him your name, letting an uncomfortable silence fall between you two. 

“Actually, I… I wanted to tell you something else.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, I’ve always thought you were beautiful, and I…”

What’s he saying turns into white noise as your gaze fixates on Cooper again. To your surprise, Cooper’s looking right at you with his jaw clenched. Could he possibly be… jealous?

You look back at Dan who’s silent, waiting for your response. You blink a few times and say, “That’s sweet of you. But I’m not looking for anything right now.”

He opens his mouth to speak but before he can, you say, “Would you excuse me for a moment? I need some air.”

You push past him and make a beeline for the glass door across the living room. But before you can step outside, Emil stops you. 

“Hey! I just wanted to give you something,” he says, setting his drink down on a shelf and reaching inside his pocket. He pulls out a small envelope and continues, “Open this when you’re alone later.”

“Thanks,” you say, taking the envelope from him and putting it in your purse. 

“Is everything alright?”

“I’m okay. I just need some air. Thanks, Emil,” you respond, sliding past him. 

You head into the backyard, sitting on a lawn chair by Emil’s pool. The prospect of another man confessing his attraction to you just sends you further into Cooper’s arms, confirming how badly you want to be exclusive with him already. But you also wonder what could possibly be in that envelope Emil gave you. You go to open it but a voice stops you, an unmistakable voice. 

“You okay, sweetheart?”

You look up at him as he places a hand on your shoulder. He’s wearing concern all over his face. 

“That guy wasn’t bothering you, was he?”

“No,” you shake your head. “It’s just a little overwhelming in there.”

“What do you say we go somewhere more private?”

“Where?”

He gestures across the pool with his head. You glance in that direction and spot a pool house, turning and looking at Cooper again with a smirk on your face. 

“You go first. I’ll meet you there.”

“Is Barb here?”

“Nope. She’s at a Vault-Tec dinner.”

Perfect. 

You walk over to the pool house, creeping the door open and poking your head inside, just to make sure no one’s inside. It’s bigger than it looks on the outside. You opt to turn on a lamp rather than the main overhead light. You don’t want to draw any extra attention. A large sectional sits in the middle of the room, complete with a bar cart at its side. You toss your purse on the couch and turn to peek into the bathroom, finding a full-blown sauna. 

Cooper joins you and closes the door to the pool house, putting a hand on the small of your back. 

“Impressed?”

“Uhh, yeah. This is wild.”

“Wanna use it?”

“Really?”

“Mhm,” he says, turning up the dial. 

He starts taking off his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. Before you get undressed you ask, “Are we going to get in trouble?”

“Hell no.”

“Are you sure?”

“Would you stop worrying so much?” he says, hands gravitating to your waist and pulling you close. He leans in and whispers in your ear, “Strip for me. Now.”

“Yes, sir,” you breathe, turning around so he can unzip your dress. You peel off your clothes and kick off your shoes as the small wooden room heats up. A warm, earthy scent fills your senses. You look at him, his belt undone and his pants hanging low on his hips. 

“You’re gorgeous… But I’m sure you’re sick of me tellin’ you that all the time.”

“Are you kidding me? I’ll never get used to it,” you say, sitting on the bench. 

He gets down on his knees, pulling your thighs apart with his hands. Without warning, he dives face-first into your cunt, licking one long, slow trail up your entrance. A shiver runs down your spine as you take a deep breath, the woodsy aroma filling your lungs. You look down at him and find him staring directly at you. His tongue swirls around your pussy before he latches his mouth onto your clit, sucking with more and more pressure. He moans into you as he works you up to the edge. You reach between your legs and run your hand through his hair, gripping his locks as you teeter on the brink of orgasm. You tug on his hair every time his tongue hits a particularly sensitive spot. He’s already slick with sweat, forehead glistening in between your legs. Your moans and whimpers grow louder and stronger, coming out as choked-up sobs as he pushes you over the edge. Waves of pleasure wash over you, your cunt clenching around nothing while your thighs close around his head. He laps up the remnants of your release before sitting on the bench next to you, swiping his fingers across his jaw to collect the rest of your spend and popping them in his mouth. 

You trade places with him, sinking to the floor on your knees. One of your hands cups his balls as the other wraps around the base of his already hard cock. You waste no time taking him in your mouth, swirling your tongue around the head of his cock over and over again. He throws his head back and curses under his breath, bringing a hand to your face and caressing your cheek. You flash your eyes up at him, watching him go crazy for you. His jaw is slack and his pupils are wide, adoration written all over his face.

Just when you think he’s going to cum, he grabs your face and pulls his cock out of your mouth, “Not so fast.”

You stand up and turn around so your back is facing him, taking it upon yourself to sit on his cock. He curses again, wrapping his hands around your waist and playing with your nipples as you bounce up and down. 

“Such a good girl. Bouncing up and down on my cock like a fuckin’ angel.”

“Only for you.”

“That’s right,” he responds, letting one of his hands leave your waist to deliver a swift slap on your ass. 

Between bouncing yourself on his cock and grinding your hips back and forth, you’re well on your way to your second orgasm. Your wetness seeps out of you and coats his lap, making it easier to grind against his lap. With one last motion of your hips, you cum around his cock, feeling truly full. You lean back against his chest, both of your bodies hot and drenched with sweat. Aftershocks of your orgasm rip through you, making you shudder. His hands roam up and down your body, leaving no part of you ignored. But he can only hold off his orgasm for so long. He grabs your hips and coaxes you to get up, ordering you to get on your knees again. 

“On your knees, sweetheart.”

You face him with your mouth open, tongue sticking out as he strokes himself. Soon enough, he’s coming into your mouth with a guttural moan. You swallow his release before wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. You crawl into his lap and wrap yourself around him, always listening for his wild heartbeat. Both of you are completely covered in sweat, but it’s not gross. It’s a pleasant aroma of his natural scent mixed with the woodsy fragrance of the sauna. It’s a scent you could get addicted to if you’re not careful enough. He strokes your back, kissing your head and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. 

Tilting your head, you look up at his face. “Were you… jealous of that guy earlier?”

“Who? Dan?”

“Mhm. You look like you would have punched him right then and there,” you tease. 

“No one flirts with my girl.”

Those two words. My girl. That’s all you wanted to hear him say over these past few months. But then reality settles in. Dan doesn’t know you’re Cooper’s girl. 

You think about where you are and remember that you’ll have to leave the pool house separately. You remember that he can only call you sweetheart in secret. You remember that he’s just… not truly yours. 

The affair’s been fun and all but it’s just been placating you from what you’ve been craving this whole time– exclusivity. You want to be more than his dirty little secret. You want his Friday nights and his Sunday mornings. You want to eat dinner with him every night. You want to go on dates. You want to walk red carpets with him and listen to him gush about you in interviews. You want him to show you off. 

“Sweetheart? Are you okay?” he asks. He must’ve sensed you going abnormally still and quiet. 

You pull back and look at him, worry written on his face. What you want to tell him is on the tip of your tongue. But you can’t bring yourself to do it. 

“I’m fine,” you lie. 

“Okay,” he says, cupping your face again. “We should probably get showered and dressed. I have no idea how long we’ve been in here.”

“Right,” you nod, pulling yourself off of him no matter how hard it is. You reach for your clothes and walk into the shower. He does the same and turns off the sauna. You turn on the water, letting steam fill the walk-in shower before getting inside. He gets in with you, chest pressed against your back. He grabs the bottle of shower gel and creates a lather in his hand, rubbing it up and down your body as you relax. He’s careful to not ruin your makeup like a true gentleman. Once you’re clean you do the same for him, washing each other in comfortable silence. The end looms over your head but you choose not to focus on it. You choose to focus on the few fleeting moments you have left. 

He turns off the water and grabs a towel, helping you dry off and get dressed. And soon enough, you’re both dressed again as if what happened in the sauna never occurred, except for your makeup that’s a little sweat-ridden. Before you part ways he kisses you, soft and sweet, telling you good night before slipping back out into the party. 

You grab your purse off the couch and remember the envelope Emil gave you. Now that you’re alone you open it, finding a handwritten card that says;

Just wanted to say thank you. You really saved our asses with this production. As a token of my gratitude, here are two tickets to The Man From Deadhorse premiere. 

-Emil

The two tickets slip out of the card. You glance at the date and see it’s not until January of next year, four months from now. Regardless, that was nice of him. When you signed up to work on the film you never thought you’d be able to attend the premiere. Your stomach swirls at the thought of seeing Cooper all dressed up on the red carpet but then it sinks when you remember he’ll be with Barb. 

You shove the envelope and the tickets back in your purse, glancing at the room once more. Once you turn off the light, you leave the pool house, dragging your feet as you walk back to your car. The reality of the situation is sinking in now– that was probably the last time you’ll see Cooper for a while. And maybe it’s the alcohol or the post-sex hormones talking but you could break down and cry at any given moment. But you don’t give in until you’re alone in the comfort of your car, cursing the man who welcomed you with open arms on your first day on set. 

End note: This series is five parts now because I’m an indecisive idiot 🤧🤧 This is also some of my favorite smut I’ve ever written?!?!? And thank you to @clawdee for beta reading and telling me I needed to make Cooper sweatier 😏

If you like my work, consider supporting me on Ko-fi 🤍

Check out the series playlist! 🎶

Fic notifs: @beskarandblastersfics

Dividers: @saradika-graphics

Tag list: @widowmakerow @bisasterbisexual @wowitsem @vegetarianvamp @celestial-vomit @ghoulsimper @anyzandy @justfoxymuffins @hobnob2020 @fallout-girl219 @ipostwhtifeel @awhoresjourney @the-faceless-bride @birdieofloxley @raviolisenpai

#cooper howard x reader #cooper howard smut #cooper howard x you #cooper howard x f!reader #the ghoul x reader #the ghoul smut #the ghoul x you #the ghoul x f!reader #fallout #fallout fanfiction #cooper howard #the ghoul #time wondrous time

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok obviously because i am myself i have to journal through some Big Feelings!!!!

here are some of my feelings:

i feel an immense sense of relief. i have been in so much pain for so long with no solutions and no clear endpoint. i feel like i've been slowly losing my mind for weeks. it is just not good for your brain to experience that much pain or to feel that much raw despair every night for so long. i can have my baby and then i can have the surgeries and then i can get PT and then i can recover normal motor functions and not be in excruciating agony. i feel like i've been so deep in the despair pit that i've started losing sight of the fact that i'm genuinely excited to have a baby. i've started losing sight of the fact that there's going to be a baby, period. it's felt like this would just last forever and ever and ever. but it won't. it might last another month or two but from sunday onwards i will be moving in the direction of less pain.

i feel an immense sense of guilt. i know i should wait until 39-40 weeks for his health/well-being but also i know many people who were induced early and their babies are fine. i was born at 38 weeks and he'll be born at 37.5 weeks and i have had no lasting health issues. and they will keep a close eye on him and we will be able to manage anything that happens. i am trying not to let myself be swallowed up by the fear that i am being hugely selfish by prioritizing an end to my own pain over his well-being. i love him so much and i want him to be healthy but i also have to trust that my health and well-being matters and is important to his health and well-being. like i guess start as you mean to go on, you know, and i want to try to be a parent who can make decisions that take care of my kid but also honor my own needs.

i feel frustrated. as my sister pointed out if people had felt a greater sense of urgency about the pain earlier i probably could have gotten to "clear evidence of nerve damage" sooner and then had time to prepare for an early term induction instead of making it feel so rushed. also maybe i wouldn't have done so much damage to my hands in the meantime. i mean maybe everything would've played out exactly the same way and that's fine but it is still a little frustrating to tell people that you are in the worst pain you've ever experienced and to have them be like aw i'm sorry but that seems normal. but it's fine! it's fine.

i feel kind of proud of myself. one of my goals for pregnancy esp after the pregnancy loss over the summer was to get better at medical self-advocacy. i tend to be really cowed by doctors and to downplay symptoms or to assume that if i am a bit more forceful in asking for things i'll be labeled a difficult patient. but i think over the last couple months i have done a good job of nicely but firmly being like, this is not normal. this is not normal. this is not normal. i know you are saying this is normal but this is not and cannot be normal. and i feel like saying that repeatedly and showing up to the ED and calling all the time finally made people be like hm maybe this isn't normal, and then i was able to get objective confirmation that my hands were sooo fucked up, and now things are happening that are moving me towards a future without this pain.

i feel stressed about work but also in some ways i've moved so far beyond that i don't feel that stressed. like i just don't have time to care about my boss yelling at me or being passive-aggressive towards me for leaving early. i'm about to do something that is so, so, so, so, SO immensely more important and meaningful and life-affirming than like, figuring out who's going to cover tabling events or run an application workshop in the fall. like come on. i am not going to expend a single ounce of energy on that in this last week. i will wrap up everything to the very best of my ability and then i will leave it. nothing is life or death in this job, and i have done a good job already of preparing my team for the transition.

i feel panicky!!!!!! i'm going to have a baby in less than a week. i thought i had more time although like what was i even going to do with that time given the fact that i can barely perform household chores or type for more than 30 min at a time or sleep. i feel panicky just because it feels so sudden, but also like, i have everything i need to bring him home, and i've read all the books and done all the pre-baby prep work and i've spent nine months getting ready for this moment. i have a bunch of chores and errands i want to take care of before sunday, but then i want to really dedicate saturday to reflection and journaling and taking long walks and just like, experiencing the last day of being just me.

i feel grief!!!! a whole part of my life - the part where i'm not a parent - is ending. i wish i had more time to honor that transition and to reflect on what it meant. i will definitely carve out time this week to do that and will try to not fritter away the next five days with errands... i think it's much more important to spend time getting myself emotionally ready.

this is a little dumb but i must voice it aloud: i feel weirdly sad about ending the part of my life where my dogs were my most important companions & beloved creatures. i know they will continue to be my beloved creatures! my best little guy and my sweet scruffy little girl! but the time when we were just a little family unit of three is ending and everything will be different now even if it will also be better and richer in a whole host of ways. i have already done a lot of crying and forcibly snuggling a disgruntled Pip and i anticipate there is a lot more of that in my future this week lol. but we will take lots of good long walks and i'll snuggle them so much and i will just trust that it might take a little time for us to settle back into our new normal but we'll get there.

i feel grief, too, at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. in some ways i'm SO ready... my whole body just feels so heavy and so uncomfortable and so swollen, and of course, as you might have heard, my hands hurt so much i think about cutting my fingers off at least once a night. but for the most part, up until this last stretch of pain, i've really, really loved being pregnant. i love feeling him kick and stretch and roll over inside of me. i love rubbing the outside of my stomach and feeling him press against the inside in response, like we're talking to each other, like we're making contact. my baby!! my little guy i've carried inside of me for nine months. i did expect to have more time to savor the end of pregnancy and to honor the experience (even the painful parts) in ways that felt meaningful to me. i feel real grief about not being sure if i'll ever get to do this again! and i wish, idk, i wish i could've paced myself through the end of it differently and had time away from the distractions of work to really have this experience of being in my very pregnant body, connected to my baby in a way I'll never be again, in a way that has felt really deeply meaningful to me. i'll do my best to make that time this week, and i know it's ok, i know that the next chapter will be so good too, but i can grieve not getting to have the ending to pregnancy i wanted.

i feel ready to be changed forever. the rush at the end is not what i wanted for myself, just in terms of getting my head on straight before he arrived, but on some deeper level i've been ready for this for so long, and i'm so, so ready. i want to meet my baby. i can't believe he's going to be my kid for the rest of my life. i can't believe how lucky i am that i got to choose this for myself and that i get to live the life i wanted. i'm so ready. i'm so ready. i can't wait to meet my kid and i can't wait to meet my new self on the other side of this big, big, big, forever-life-altering change.

#pregnancy tag

[ideasarestuckinmyhead]

Given that the content sometimes has quite a bit of spice (like auron for example) how do you think the yv boys would be with an Asexual Listener? (Ik the answer is probably 'supportive' but its been nagging me and i dont want to bother the big man about it cause i Understand the spice Comes With The Territory yknow? )

Asexual S/O

As you said before yes, the boys would respect that you are asexual and not push you into doing any sexual intercourse you don't want! The boys would probably rather die then make you uncomfortable for something you know you don't want to do.

If you only want to make out that is completely fine with them, if they did get really worked up over the make out they'll go somewhere else to release themselves. Honestly I think many of the YV boy's need to have nice moments without spice because take Alphonse for example he said he never really did any of the picnic dates with people. And Boo was able to help him see what he was missing, as we all know he really did like it.

For Seth I have a feeling he probably wants to get to know someone first before fully getting hot and bothered with them. He had like one other relationship we know of and it went sideways (see bittersweet).

Charlie would just be happy that Casper even got with him, because he's like them since they were kids. He'd also know what your comfortable with and wouldn't care if you both never got intimate with one another.

Finn I feel like is the same as Seth for this, because we don't fully know about his old relationship but I can assume it wasn't all that good. So he's happy to just be with someone that respects his boundaries as well.

Faust as we can see from his little bit of story he has so far, needs to learn how to open up to Star before ever really getting with them. He also doesn't want them to think he's only getting with them to get something out of them. He'd probably just enjoy the cafe dates and gaming session the both of you will have.

Auron does have a lot of spice in his story but he did tell Rook during the lap sitting ep if they didn't want to do anything he'd back off. Auron is big on consent, with the things he does do with Rook in his spice part of his story we can see that he makes sure Rook is comfortable with what they're doing. If you don't wish to do anything with spice he'd just enjoy Rook's company because in the new ep of his story we were told by him that we give him peace. Also in the car ride to his penthouse we were given a option to leave him and he was just happy we chose him.

Lucien probably would ask about it but when told he probably knows some people that are like that too. He'll just ask what your okay with doing and just do those things. He'll just enjoy more of asking about human culture and food making with you.

Jack we don't really have a lot of his story since he doesn't have like a set one compared to the other boys. But I can see him just saying okay then telling you about a story from one of his side jobs he was working at this week. He def knows a lot of places you both can go to just enjoy time together.

As you know YV knows that he cannot please everyone with his work. And he's totally okay with that, he only gets snappy with people if they keep like shoving it in everyone face about one particular thing that doesn't suit them alone.

#red rants #yuurivoice #yuurivoice auron #yuurivoice alphonse #yuurivoice seth #yuurivoice faust #yuurivoice charlie #yuurivoice finn #yuurivoice lucien #yuurivoice jack #asexual #asexual reader #just like other writing if i ever put something that feels wrong or is just tell me ill fix it!!

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Don't Go Blindly Into the Dark

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Tags: @justalunaticfangirl @lunarthecorvus

If anyone else would like to be tagged let me know :)

Content warnings for this chapter: blood, descriptions of wounds, possible gore, veins, weapons, violence, implied past sa references, death, choking, descriptions of dead bodies, a lot of blood, surgery (? - I'm not sure so I'm putting it just in case)

AO3 link

Chapter 19 - Nina

Nina had not been fired. It was about the closest thing to a highlight in her day.

She had no idea what Kaz had said to Feliks and she wasn’t about to try pressuring it out of him; she’d take any win she could get. And the Saints knew she needed a win or two now. She had to coax Inej back to lying down on her flat little pillow, and after a few moments of incomprehensible disagreement had passed between them - Nina in half, slightly confused sentences and Inej mostly in pained groans and attempts to sit back up - Nina pressed her hand against Inej’s forehead and gently calmed her.

“Breathe,” she whispered, speaking Ravkan as she usually did when they were alone, “Just breathe,”

Nina had learnt Suli at the Little Palace but had never had much opportunity to use the language in practice, and although she had spoken it with Inej on occasion she always felt that she wasn’t quite good enough at it to keep pace. As she thought about she supposed she would never get better at it if she never conversed with a native speaker, though then she shook herself free of the ridiculous direction her mind had wandered in. 

“I can’t stop the pain completely,” she told Inej, “I can only ease it some,”

A real Healer might be able to do a better job of it, but Nina’s work with emotions at the White Rose helped. She pulled her hand slowly away from Inej and the girl shuddered, closing her eyes for a moment before her gaze flicked up to Nina. 

“What happened?”

“Oomen,” Inej breathed, “The Black Tips. Nina…” 

She winced, screwing her eyes shut, flinching as though to reach for her leg and then collapsing onto her back again. After a moment and another, denied, offer to alter her tension and her pain, Inej let Nina run her hands over the wounds on her leg. It didn’t feel good. The puncture above her knee Nina had thought she would just be able to knit closed, but the flesh felt tough beneath her fingers and when she applied gentle pressure with her thumb the muscles of Inej’s leg spasmed wildly. She gasped in pain, fists closing tightly over the quilt she was scrunching into her hands.

 “Sorry! Sorry,” Nina breathed, leaning away, “It’s damaged the ligament,”

It might be worse than that - Nina couldn’t tell yet. If the ligament was ripped all the way through, Nina may not be a good enough Healer to give Inej her full range of movement back when she sewed the pieces together. Moving up to Inej’s thigh didn’t feel a whole lot better. She was still bleeding but the flow was slowing, and as far as Nina could tell in an initial brush over the internal bleeding wasn’t as bad as the external was. But she couldn’t see the wounds properly yet, and the knife was still sticking out of Inej’s leg. That concerned her too; there would be more blood to come when she removed it and it was so deep into Inej’s leg that only the thinnest slither of metal was still visible, glinting in the sunrise creeping through the window. 

“What…” Inej pursed her lips, “What will that mean?”

“It’s gonna hurt like hell whilst I fix it,”

But Nina couldn’t do much until she could see Inej’s wounds properly. She found a blanket and a pair of shears, then stepped outside so that Inej would cut herself out of her trousers and cover herself with the blanket alone, and as she closed the door behind her she was surprised to find Jesper and Kaz just slightly further down the corridor. They weren’t quite shouting at each other but it was definitely an argument, and as Nina approached she saw Kaz’s eyes flashing with something dark in response to something she hadn’t quite overheard.

“I would never-”

“What, Kaz?” Jesper hissed, “Because I don’t know where you draw the line, and neither does she. There is nothing that we can safely believe you would never do and if you let her think that-”

“What are you doing?” asked Kaz, suddenly looking up at Nina.

Jesper turned to see her, his cheeks glowing, breathing hard.

“I need to know what happened,”

“I didn’t see,” said Jesper, “By the time I got back she was already injured,”

“Who was it?” growled Kaz.

“Why do you care? So you can make them pay you back for the money you might lose on her?”

“Jes-” Nina tried, but fell quiet as quickly as she’d started.

“What would you do, Kaz? If she couldn’t be the Wraith, anymore?”

There was a brief moment of silence. Kaz’s flat, shark-like glare flicked briefly between them, and then he turned sharply and began to march away. The clacking of his cane against the creaky old floorboards shrank away into the sounds of the house, and Jesper breathed loudly. 

“He wouldn’t -”

“You weren’t here, Nina,” he said, shaking his head, “You didn’t see her when - when she first got out of that place, I don’t -” Jesper ran a hand over his face, “Does he not see what he’s doing? He can’t make her feel like that again,”

Nina breathed. She didn’t think Kaz would ever do anything to hurt Inej, but she also knew that nothing she or Jesper could say would make Inej feel any safer. What else could she do? Pray to Saints she didn’t believe in for the power to fix Inej’s knee well enough that the Wraith could still do her job was starting to look like the last remaining option. She knocked on the door and Inej called her inside. 

“I’m going to have to take the knife out,” she said, slowly, “I can knock you unconscious whilst I do it, if you want, but-”

“No,”

Inej shook her head.

“Okay,” Nina nodded, slowly, “You might want something to bite,”

The fabric in between Inej’s teeth did little to dampen her screaming, but that came later. First, Nina closed what she could of closing the other puncture wounds around the knife, closing the skin where there wasn’t internal bleeding and trying to mop up what she could of the blood with a damp cloth so she could actually differentiate the problems from the congealing masses of crimson. There was so much blood. Inej must be close to passing out - she had definitely paled, and Nina thought the knife coming out might be the final straw.

“Tell me about the job,” she said, doing her best to keep Inej talking, “What were you doing?”

“We…” Inej hissed a sharp intake of breath, “We were there for Wylan,”

“Kaz is still going after Wylan?”

“Change of plans,” Inej managed, gripping the duvet again, “I don’t… really know what he wanted originally, but Jesper -” she broke to groan as Nina tugged hard to manipulate her flesh.

“Jesper…?”

“Jesper convinced him Wylan would be able to do demo. He realised something was… something was off, about Wylan’s father. Turns out this whole music school thing is a trick to-”

Nina winced, because she knew that gasp of pain had been her fault. She’d applied slightly too much pressure.

“Sorry,” she said, but Inej only shook her head, “Keep talking,”

“It’s a hit,”

Inej’s voice was drooping into a mumble and Nina had to make her repeat herself to be sure she’d heard right.

“It’s a hit?”

“Van Eck wants his son dead,” Inej confirmed, “I didn’t have time to find out why,”

Nina shook her head - but she didn’t have time to dwell on it for too long. She found some fabric for Inej to bite down on, and swallowed hard as she placed her hands either side of the knife handle.

She had to make quick work of things when she drew the blade free. The femoral vein was buried somewhere deep within the muscle of Inej’s thigh and though Nina couldn’t feel any perforations when she reached out with her power she didn’t trust her judgement as well as she would a Healer’s. She’d have to Heal Inej from the inside out - and quickly. Inej’s scream was still echoing as the knife clattered to the floor, dripping blood onto the wooden boards, and Nina’s fingers began to dance to a tune nobody else could hear. She felt Inej’s pulse change and knew she’d fainted from the pain, but she was coming around again within a few seconds. Nina worked as quickly as she could and Inej’s taut muscle responded about as well as she could hope, but in the back of her mind she was still more concerned about her knee. 

“Nina…”

She looked up, fingers hovering in place over half-closed skin and the throbbing flesh beneath.

“I can’t… Can you make me sleep? Please?”

“Of course,” Nina drew her fingers sharply towards herself to finish the motion she was partway through, then leaned away.

Her hands were covered in blood and she tried to wipe as much of it off in the little water basin and along the cloth she’d brought in with her, but both of them had long since turned a murky red. She shook the excess water off her hands. It didn’t take long to settle Inej into sleep and suddenly the room felt very empty, very cold. Nina breathed, listening to the ever-present cacophony downstairs without really managing to hear any individual conversations, just the edge of the odd word.

“- still?”

“...owes me, don’t…”

“- tell you!”

“- Leopard,”

Nina shivered. She’d heard what had happened to the girl who wore the Leopard cape at the Menagerie when she got back today - no, not today, yesterday morning. Dawn was well on its way now, and Nina needed to shake off this tiredness and keep her focus on Inej. She worked steadily, but her mind drifted back to what Adrian and Petra had told her. Nina had heard a girl went missing from the Menagerie around the same time she and Inej started the botched university job, but she hadn’t heard who it was or any further details. Apparently she’d been discovered in the dark hours of early morning, left lying half-dressed on the steps of the Menagerie with extensive bruises around her throat. 

“Maybe she tried to run,” said Petra, “and the Peacock caught her,”

Adrian shook his head.

“She was gone two full weeks. That’s gotta be long enough to get away if she ran on purpose,”

Nina wasn’t quite listening by that point. She hadn’t known until now which of the Menagerie’s girls had vanished. But it was her, the Leopard, the girl Nina had watched from across the canal two weeks ago as she sat up on one of the ugly sofas and slipped her hand into that of a red-caped Mr Crimson. Nina had seen her, watched her. And now she was gone. She didn’t know why it was quite this gutting, but Nina felt like her insides were being scraped right of her. She had seen her. Right before she disappeared.

Not disappeared. Disappeared was too passive. It made it sound like there wasn’t somebody to blame.

Nina stayed in Inej’s room for a long time after she’d patched up her leg. She’d done her best to fix the ligament in her knee and she thought it felt smooth enough, but there would be no real telling until Inej tried to use it again, and though the flesh on her thigh was still tender the skin was closed and the wounds didn’t seem to be bruising beyond what Nina had already cleared up around the exit point of the knife, but Inej had lost a lot of blood and Nina didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. Still, Inej had not passed out from blood loss. She’d fainted from the pain but that was normal, and she was only unconscious now because Nina had put her that way. Yet somehow she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was doing something wrong. She didn’t know enough to do this right, her cut-short education was finally failing her. She imagined the smug look on Zoya’s face at the knowledge that she was right, that Nina should not have been sent out early no matter how much she begged.

“Congratulations,” she muttered drily to the dark, as she knelt to pick up the discarded knife, “You were right once again,”

She wiped the excess of Inej’s blood off the blade, thinking she could do her best to get some of it off the floor though she’d probably need ammonia to clean it properly, and realised that there was a small engraving on the metal. It was a little hard to see and even as she rubbed the cloth over it she knew it was all but futile without proper cleaning supplies because the blood had seeped into the design and dyed it red, but it seemed to be a single rose blooming along the base of the metal. Nina ran her finger over it for a moment, then stood and placed it on the side. She gently pulled Inej’s boots off, placed some folded clothes at the end of the bed to prop her feet up in vague hopes of keeping blood flow consistent and healthy, and gently pulled the folded corner of the blanket down over Inej’s injured leg before she left the room and closed the door behind her. 

She would wash her hands properly, she would get some water, she would get something to eat. Then she would come back and sit with Inej until she woke up, and hope that she had done enough. 

Jesper waved her over as soon as she stepped downstairs, and she scrambled a little through the crowd to reach him. No-one in this place would look twice at her for being covered in blood, but the hem of her right sleeve had now begun to actively drip so she decided this conversation would be a short one before she hurried off to soak her arms in soap and warm water. She also definitely needed to wash them before she ate anything, and Nina was famished. 

“How is she?”

“Doing pretty well,” said Nina, gratefully accepting the drink Jesper offered her and not really caring when she smeared blood onto the glass, “She’s asleep now - I’ll go back in a minute, but I just-”

She was cut off by someone calling Jesper’s name, and both of them turned to see the doors open over Anika and Roeder as they hurried inside. For a long moment no-one said anything. Jesper looked back and forth between them, as though in the second he looked away something might have changed, and then eventually:

“Where’s Wylan?”

#pre-canon kaz is a fascinating creature but that boy doesn't know how to communicate a single thought that is in his brain #don't go blindly into the dark #six of crows #crooked kingdom #grishaverse #leigh bardugo #nina zenik #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #kaz brekker #kanej #wesper #matthias helvar #wylan hendriks #wesper fanfiction #wesper fic #soc fandom #soc fic #soc fanfiction #six of crows fandom #six of crows fanfic #six of crows fic #grishaverse fandom #grishaverse fanfic

[cheekblush]

unfortunately it's still so fucking over 😔

#did not have a restful night's sleep at all #only slept for 5 hours and woke up with swollen eyes and the headache still isn't gone #my mom keeps saying that i have to pull through and that it's always difficult being the new one but i refuse being treated this way #the problem is i can't just quit bc i received a scholarship from them & agreed to work full time for a year in return #i could pay back the scholarship with interest charges but i don't want to spend my entire savings on that #i found a really good job offer from another pharmacy but it doesn't really make sense to apply there since i'm still tied to my current.. #pharmacy for 11 months #but i'm scared that once those 11 months are up i won't be able to find such a good job offer again #tbh it sounds too good to be true bc it claims you only have to work 4 days a week and no saturdays that would be ideal #but i doubt there will still be such an offer in a year... i really don't know what to do i'm so indecisive :( #i uses to really enjoy working in my pharmacy despite the long working hours and even having to work full saturdays.. #but it's just getting worse every week and i can't stand to work with one of my colleagues anymore she's just insufferable #my concerns are not taken seriously and i'm clearly taken advantage of and treated poorly bc i'm the new one #☁️

[akchually]

.

#so there's this girl #and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is #'she says she needs me back in Washington but I don't have a job there. I keep telling her to get another boyfriend while I'm out of town #just make sure he's not around when I visit so I don't have to fight anybody' #That tickled me. And the conversation ended with me getting like a third of a hall pass. I gotta call if anything happens. #Call so Prettyboy feels like he's part of my romantic life even when the romance isn't him #Which is the opposite track of the one I was giggling about okay yeah #But like my best friend here is. Super pretty. Ridiculously pretty. #And kind and works hard and takes care of the people she loves. She's always finding ways to help me. #And she's vegan and loves my cooking and that's my love language okay #I wanna make sure she eats I wanna see what happens if she's given full reigns on dominance I want I yearn #And we talk for hours about nothing but it's been weeks since I've been like one third available and I dunno how to tell her #Or if I should or if I'd be just another person in her life who wants her for what she can do for them #I think my intentions are good but it's lonely. The long distance and the seasonal work and the isolated town up in the mountains. #And maybe I just want to be held. #I know she's grey ace and a lot of the romantic relationships she's had in the past were very manipulative and not what she really wanted #Maybe that's what's pulling me in so hard like am I just insecure and want to prove myself yet again #I've always been drawn to flaky people #I wanna be the one person they show up for #This is the thing that I actually need to process in therapy and can't just lsd the anxiety away #Though that worked for most things #Take hallucinagens. Once. #I'm such a hugger but only worked up the courage to hug her a few days ago. #We've been talking (lowercase t) for months. #And I know she has her own long distance unicorn relationship back in Kentucky. I'm hoping the subject will just surface again. #And then I can say hey #I think you're really pretty

[polyamorouspunk]

Hug

*hug*

#went home early again and was made to feel so guilty about it #because I didn't want to work 9 hrs while having a cold on top of my regular chronic illnesses #I got really sick at work explosive ibs and it was BAD on top of still having a cold #went home and just sobbed to my mom like idk how much longer I can keep working like this #long ass shifts while being sick having managers I feel like aren't willing to work with me #my mom def supports me looking for another job or getting a doctors note and even suggested looking for a support group #I just wish I could work in a job where it was like oh you're literally more sick than you are every fucking day? yeah sure go home #I mean they were like that Friday but now that it's Wednesday it's like 'well don't let it happen again' like I'm sorry? #I wish I worked in a world that prioritized the health of the worker and the customer including mental health #and didn't make me have a breakdown because I'm pushing myself too hard again but actually putting my foot down about it this time

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Wondering if I feel weird about jobs bc I have almost exclusively worked high stress high turnover jobs

#I'm the most senior tech in my pharmacy and i haven't even been there for a full year yet #i think i need to re-establish a work/life balance bc im just so tired. i need to let myself have my silly hobbies or SOMETHING #the extra money is nice but I'm really paying for it and i can't let this keep going #it's like. I'm seeing my friends get jobs and i wanna be happy for them but i think about how #when I'm out of work for a few days and I'm prepping to go back. I'll just sit on the edge of my bed and look at the floor #and think about how i do want more time to myself. to read. to draw. to not spend 8 hours on the floor #and that feeling comes up every time someone else mentions entering the workforce #it's an almost existential sort of dread for me #and let me be clear - i actually don't hate my job. people are another beast entirely but my actual job? not terrible at all imo #it just. takes a lot of time and energy and it makes me feel concerned for other people picking up jobs #but i mean. I'm also disabled in multiple ways and need more rest anyways; not everyone functions like me #but it's still a nagging feeling that comes back to me every so often U_U #shai speaks

[000png]

will zero finally go back to school... stay tuned and find out

#not to keep using this blog as a diary but ANYWAYS #so got confirmation i'm basically in the middle exit phase so my last day will probably be in mid-december #which is actually really good timing all things considered #so i can either plan to get a new job at the beginning of the new year OR think about going back to school #starting during spring is kind of awkward so unless I find a really good situation i'd probably go for fall of 2024 #tuition is obviously something i have to think hard about since i'm also balancing a mortgage... but the benefit of me doing nothing but #work my ass off for the last 4 years is that i do have the money saved. like unless i go to a super prestigious school i can most likely #afford it on my own. ofc the question is am i willing to spend it all for a degree that might not even be of any benefit to me. who knows #i also don't even know what i'd go back for. it wouldn't be pure CS but probably something adjacent or bio-related #another reason I want to go back to school is honestly for social reasons. networking and finding new friends #i'm not the most outgoing person but in an academic environment i was infinitely better at socializing than I am now lmao #and sharing classes with folks will definitely help. i'd definitely pick up TAing again as well if possible #i also talked with my manager a bit about this and he was also like yeah at your age and situation now is actually a really good time #anyways. we shall see #0.txt

[my-balls79]

my mother was ranting at me again, the following is paraphrased: “the fact that you never do anything, can’t manage to do your school work and you can hardly take care of yourself tells me that you are a LAZY person” yes, mother, i am lazy, how could you tell? you do not even know the full extent of it, would you believe that i’m also too lazy to derive pleasure out of anything? would you believe the amount of times i’ve nearly killed myself because i am too damn lazy to be alive? i’m well aware of my laziness. fucking cunt.

#complaning #sorry to that one guy who follows me i think you should block the 'complaining' tag if you'd like. #i have made a decent post every once in awhile if you'd like to keep sticking around in hopes i make another one #i don't know why i'm still alive. #i know it likely isn't going to work out. #and even if it does for what? #i would have to had gotten through highschool by being dragged through it by infinitely patient friends while having done barely anything #i can think of ideas and thats about it. i can hardly compose anything for any assignment #and not even for things i enjoy. not even for things i would've wanted to do #i don't understand why i'm like this. i've been trying to get better i really have. #it's been going on for ages now. i don't know when it will end and even if it does like i've said #i'm a mediocre person anyway. #i would've wanted to have some sort of silly hobby. a surrealist painter or a pretentious humourist or marxist political theorist #or experimental percussionist. i don't know. something that i would enjoy and be passionate about #and then have some sort of #i don't know. plumber or truck driver. some butch lesbian type job #oh and at the most hopeful going to college and getting a degree in sociology or something. but i now realise that is far from possible #but really i don't think i'm capable of any of that. i'm hardly capable of answering simple assignments without someone else there to #carry me through them.

[becca-alexa]

i understand the technological gap between generations but at what point does that gap just turn into incompetence

#becca.txt #i don't mind fixing presentations and documents and PDFs for my coworkers i really don't it's not what they hired me for but i do not mind #but it's another thing entirely for you to give me the ugliest piece of shit i've ever seen and just expect me to make it presentable #especially when making this shit is YOUR job which you were HIRED for and which you were doing BEFORE i got here #how is any of this acceptable #and why are you hinging YOUR job security on whether you can get ME to fix your shit #your incompetence is not my problem #in this day and age if you've been working (at my job) for X years and you can't align a fucking PPT deck i'm sorry that's on you #my coworker had to be walked through changing fucking FONT COLOR on a word doc #and this is her JOB #i'm sorry i am just getting fed up with it #and she comes to me about how the manager is picking on her for her shoddy work and one of these days i'm going to snap #and just tell her yeah our manager's right this looks like shit you've been doing this for ten years and this is just not it #there is no reason for someone who's been here as long as you have to be producing this quality of work #and i don't want to be rude but it's just what it is #and she keeps trying to blame her executive dysfunction and how she has adhd and whatever else #like bitch so do i but you don't see me trying to pass off garbage and hoping nobody says anything #everybody at the company has been coddling this woman because she is a literal sugar cube of a lady and they all love her #and at the core of it it she isn't half bad at what she was hired for - which is GIVING training presentations #but lady the other half of that job description is MAKING the goddamn presentations #but our manager's new and he's having none of it and it's upsetting her so she's coming to me #and i don't know what to say about it anymore i am sick of it #pls ignore i am upset

[ehlnofay]

the good thing about having a job that is familiar and good for you at present is most of the things. the bad thing about this is that no you don't

#can't have shit apparently :( the company I work at didn't get the tender for the school I work at #so we have five more weeks and then Pack It Up. so idk what I'll do then #I really don't want to stop working with these kids man I like them a lot. and I like and am comfortable with my coworkers #like getting a job at all was a huge deal I've had clinical anxiety since I was a kid. and I don't want to have to deal with it all AGAIN #I still have a job but idk if the company even has another service it would be practical for me to work at #it's all just. sucks. I don't want to deal with all the effort of a new space and new people #I don't want to get another job but I really want to keep working with these same kids #idk. whatever. I'm like a little fucked in the head about it but I'll get over it. I'll chill #oh fucking well #I'll figure it out!!!!!! everything sucks and I don't know how to be sad about things in a normal way but we stay silly :p

[slippery-minghus]

*sighs* made it home ok and now have a purring lump on my lap. i took a panic pill as soon as i got home and i think it's helping. after how stressful work was and then electrolysis, i'm feeling post-meltdown exhaustion. i got a little food in me but i'm just so tired. i really hope tomorrow's a better day.

#trying to keep everything in perspective. #and i think i need to talk with my coworker. she's sweet and she means well but has absolutely zero emotional boundaries #i know waaay too much about her life #and i get she's going through a lot and doesn't have much support but work's not where you find that #and like. we're all going through shit. and right now the thing i'm Going Through is dealing with *her* #the emotional volatility is honestly more stressful than working this job solo #and it's been two months and i still can't feel like i can trust her with more than the basics #and even then - anything nuanced on the absolute basic goes over her head (but she won't tolerate other people's mistakes lol) #she's older than me but just really immature and it's so frustrating #i feel like i'm babysitting not training #and i don't know how to address this #i don't want her job to be in jeopardy but like damn. she's not making it easy #i hate to do it... but maybe i should start documenting shit #like i know she didn't mean it and she was having yet another rough day but she snapped at me last week bc she misunderstood me #and that really wasn't cool #she apologized but like.... bruh #tomorrow's my one year anniversary at this job and i've honestly never felt like i really fit #my last job... even though my workload was insane and the higher-ups bullshit was a nightmare... i felt at ease there #my team fit together as a smooth and cohesive unit #and this team.... we're like pieces from a dozen different puzzles that happen to just sorta line up with each other. well enough #but the pictures don't match and the fit isn't smooth. we all get along but we aren't a cohesive team #each piece is too independent of the other parts #vs at my old clinic... we'd have a weekly meeting across all disciplines plus the front desk #i dunno #there's supposed to be this position opening up soon that i'm liked for #dunno how many other people are tapped for it #but if i get it- it will at least be a change of pace and scenery #i knew getting this job i didn't want to do front desking for much longer. and now we're another year into that #and i'm just. so tired. #personal

[katya-goncharov]

i really really hope that regular performance reviews are not a common thing in the workplace, because they are literally wrecking my mental health so badly

#at my job they are every 3 weeks and i have another one coming up tomorrow or the day after #(i never know when bc it depends when the managers have time so it's like psychological torture and i'm constantly worrying) #and generally it's just the manager being like oh you're doing Not Well Enough for these reasons [proceeds to list a bunch of things that #i just know are entirely because of me being autistic] and then ticking one of three boxes which basically come down to Good #Average or Bad. and i always get one of the bottom two #and then i end up spiralling really badly about it and having so much anxiety and just when my mental health has vaguely recovered it's #time for another performance review. also they're so often that the feedback always seems to be based on some tiny thing or a bad day #and i just feel like for a minimum wage job it's so stupid that i have to go through this and put my mental health through this. i just #want to be able to pay rent. #and maybe i should have just told them i'm autistic but i'm literally undiagnosed and i don't feel comfortable sharing that about myself #and i don't know. i always try my absolute best at work and i wish that was good enough and i could just keep my head down and do my job #and earn the money i need to survive without constantly feeling like i'm walking on eggshells or being made to feel inadequate #honestly it gives me flashbacks to high school only instead of kids deciding i'm not good enough socially for being who i am it's co-worker #deciding i'm not good enough professionally for the same reason. #anyway sorry for venting. i'm just so anxious about it again and it feels wrong that i have to go through this #and if it's the norm in the workplace then hmm maybe i'm really not cut out for being employed. but what other options are there #emma vents

[inkskinned]

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

#warm up #writeblr #this is also about being ace btw #my identity has slowly shifted over time and maybe if everyone is REAL cool i'll talk bout it #bc it's complicated and nuanced. but this is like #trying to warn u that if you find it “relationship upkeep” to have sex with ur partner #and don't actually enjoy it or seek it for urself. u might just not be attracted to them. #which is fine ! ace ppl can be perfectly happy in any relationship they feel good in! #but also i wasn't as straight as i had expected! #> the first time i saw dick i was like. huh. oh okay that's fine i guess #> the first time i saw pussy i was like. WAIT ACTUALLY HANG ON I GET IT #i just assumed sex wasn't all it was cracked up to be ya know #but also like. btw? this IS NOT saying ''u might be gay not ace'' #bc tbh i'm grey ace/demisexual #it's saying u might not be into ur partner. explore urself & ur feelings. turn inward. #TAKE THIS IN THE MANNER IT WAS MEANT> GENTLE AND KIND #AND NOT IN A WEIRD INTERNET WAY PLEASE #bc the truth is that there ARE ppl who are gay who assume that they just ''don't like'' sex #and ace ppl who might need a different partner w/different needs #and i would have REALLY needed to hear ''check in w/urself about if u actually like sex'' #WAY EARILIER in my life. but nobody said anything bc they assume if ur having sex. u like it. #not just the actual act of sex. not once ur turned on. do you ACTUALLY like it. or is it a burden? #even if ur gay. check w/urself. maybe ur more ace than u realized. in which case. ADDITIONAL FLAG BB #i love collecting my flags. i'm at like 354 at this point #but also btw this is about how toxic relationships are SO normalized that u can be in one #and have everyone around u being like ''THATS JUST MEN LOL''