#I am working so hard to not be a freak about this

[monzabee]

mr. big (social media au) - cs55

masterlist ||

Summary: The one where there he was, wearing armani on a sunday, your boyfriend, Carlos.

Pairing: carlos sainz x romance writer!reader (model used: random people i found on pinterest)

Warnings: none other than some cursing? carlos being an old money dream as always

Request: "For a smau, would love to see romance writer!reader with Carlos (he is just Disney prince vibes) where fans aren’t quite sure how they got together but the influence him on her work is greatly appreciated" by my lovely @percervall

Author note: OKAY JUST REALISED I AM A CARRIE AND BIG APOLOGIST, WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT (i might be freaking out about them, but i will always be a charlotte girl)!!! (might honestly turn it into a series because who doesn't love a satc x old money crossover???)

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms.

yourusername

Liked by carlossainz55, yourbestfriend, readersdigest and 438,927 others.

yourusername: busy, busy, busy bee.

user: thank you mother for feeding us with another hot billionaire novel

yourusername: you are more than welcome

user: how is she not only one of the best romance authors, but also a fashion icon??

user: can't wait to read what carlos inspired this time!!

carlossainz55: you are not wearing you glasses again, cariño

yourusername: why don't you come put them on yourself??

user: oh, they are so cute it's sickening

user: GIVE US THE MANUSCRIPT AND END OUR SUFFERING

view all 2,387 comments.

user: how did they get together again??

user: i think he ran into her at one of her book signings in madrid?

user: i thought it was when she went to the paddock for some good old r&d?

user: i heard somewhere that a friend set them up

yourusername posted a new story!

carlossainz55 posted a story!

yourusername

Liked by carlossainz55, landonorris, goodreads and 682,928 others.

yourusername: life lately & "between love and loathing" out june 23rd.

user: we love the romantic getaway, and a new book!!

user: we're being fed in more ways than one, and i am not complaining at all!!

user: oh shit, we're about to read the best romance novel of all time

view all 13,726 comments.

carlossainz55: i'm so proud of you, you have no idea

yourusername: way to make me cry

yourusername: i love you though

carlossainz55: te quiero más

user: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ARE THE OLD MONEY COUPLE WE NEEDED ALL ALONG AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW THEY STARTED DATING

user: it will remain forever a mystery

user: but at least we have content to keep us going through these hard times

carlossainz55

Liked by yourusername, scuderiaferrari, charles_leclerc and 977,520 others.

carlossainz55: one of us made the pancakes, and one of us stood there looking pretty.

yourusername: hey, it was your turn to make breakfast

carlossainz55: and i loved every second of it

yourusername: even doing the dishes?

carlossainz55: especially doing the dishes

user: this is by far the most romance book thing this man has done

user: i still don't understand how they started dating, but good for them i guess

view all 35,726 comments.

landonorris: hey, i didn't get any pancakes, did you? @charles_leclerc

charles_leclerc: didn't even know we were having pancakes, where are our pancakes @carlossainz55

landonorris: and cooking in a towel?? how is that sanitary??

charles_leclerc: he's breaking at least a dozen health codes

carlossainz55: i hate you both

yourusername: you are all a pr nightmare

scuderiaferrari: i agree

user: damn he got lucky

yourusername

Liked by f1wagss, carlossainz55, sarahjessicaparker and 736,928 others.

yourusername: and there he was, wearing armani on a sunday, carlos sainz.

user: SHUT UP!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

user: what kind of an iconic cunt slay is this

user: and just like that... they became the coolest couple on the internet

user: NEW NOVEL IDEA, SEX AND THE CITY RETELL WITH CARLOS

user: girl wtf

yourusername: no let her cook

yourusername: you might be onto something here

user: don't know if i want to be her or be carlos

view all 44,736 comments.

user: everybody say thank you mom for blessing us

carlossainz55: amor

yourusername: amor x2

user: oh she's working overtime god bless you

#monzabee #formula 1 x reader #social media au #f1 social media au #f1 fanfic #f1 fanfiction #f1 x reader #carlos sainz #carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz imagine #formula one x reader #carlos sainz social media au

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop watching porn?

This is pretty simple tbh. NSFW mentions of porn, sex, and masturbation.

🐣🐣

I am a transgender man and struggle a lot with sexual intimacy. I don’t think I’m on the ace spectrum, I just have a lot of insecurities and dysphoria that I’m working through. I still crave sexual intimacy, I just get very anxious about it. My boyfriend is understanding but a little pushy at times because he’s got a high sex drive. He doesn’t do it on purpose and backs off when I tell him to. Important to mention that my boyfriend is cis. So, because of this, my boyfriend usually takes care of himself. I help out whenever I feel comfortable.

Recently, we somehow started talking about porn and hentai (don’t remember the context of the conversation) and I asked him what he does when he takes care of himself. He said he watches porn, which I was surprised to hear but it makes sense because he has aphantasia. So, he can’t really imagine me or anything. Sometimes he uses my photos, but he said he needs some movement. At first I was fine with it, but then he mentioned that he only watches straight porn.

Now, I know my reaction was out of line, because I started crying and calling him an asshole for watching straight porn when he’s dating a trans guy. He’s pansexual, so he can really watch any kind of porn he wants, but I just started freaking out for some reason.

He kept telling me that there was no good gay stuff or ftm stuff, which is just straight up not true. There’s plenty of ftm nsfw content, but when I mentioned that, he said it felt weird and fetishistic.

I told him it hurts me when he watches straight porn, he said that’s stupid and he needs something to get off to. Fair enough but it still hurts me. There’s just something about me trying so hard to get past my anxiety and dysphoria so we can finally be intimate with each other and him blatantly disrespecting my gender identity that hurts like hell.

Plus, every time I suggested we do something that I’m into, he shot me down. I’m a bit of a kinkier guy and he’s very vanilla, despite insisting that he’s into the same stuff as me. I 100% respect his boundaries and never brought it up again. But I don’t think it’s fair that he won’t even try stuff with me that might make intimacy more enjoyable for me and then goes and watches straight porn. I keep trying to make our sex live work and he can’t even be bothered to figure out ftm bodies. Idk.

I talked to an online friend and they called me biphobic.

Am I out of line for trying to tell him what kind of porn to watch? Am I overreacting?

#aita #am i the asshole

[bunnieswithknives]

CAN WE SEE THE HOSTAGE ROWAN DOODLES

Oh to be at the mercy of someone so far removed from reality that they can't see how much they're hurting you, and wouldn't care if you told them.

#'rubber ducking' is when you speak aloud to an object and it helps you sort through your thoughts #two of us AU #two of us!Red #two of us!David #somehow having a whole ass man tied up in your dorm seems a lot darker than the fun-free-range-nightmare-house #David healed Red's eye with magic and by that I mean Red just straight up doesn't have an eye hole anymore #but hey! at least he's not bleeding out! #art #doodles #kidnapping #whump #I am working so hard to not be a freak about this

[bbreaddog]

Practising Goncharov Theme by @caramiaaddio on violin bc I thought it would add an extra layer of haunting…ness (is that a word?)

Here’s the excerpt I’m playing in the video:

Despite it being in a fuck off key for violin it is a really beautiful piece and it’s absolutely worth the trouble of practising in second position (world’s most hated position) and I’m HOPING 🤞 I can record and (maybe) post a full cover of it someday

#goncharov #music #violin #goncharov theme #oh man i have not posted my face in a very very very long time #possibly years #am i freaking out about it? a little #could i have converted this to audio instead? #well. yes but. it’s not exactly awesome quality in this practise room lmao #i so so badly wanna write out all the technical things I’m doing/focusing on here bc GRRR TECHNICAL WORK IS SO INTERESTING TO ME #but i would be typing out a whole essay probably and i don’t think my followers really. care that much about violin tech #lest they also play violin #i have one (1) known mutual who plays violin and that’s IT #apologies for the metronome ticking in the video #it can be very irritating to listen to #alas… it is also important for not speeding up when playing #anyways #hi caramiaaddio you don’t know me but big fan of what you’ve written here #ESPECIALLY THE CHROMATIC BITS OUGHHHH #the little semiquavers that poke their heads through like TWICE are surprisingly hard #but also they sound extra creepy in a good way #BIG fan #wait wait WAIT WAIT #i think this is my first time posting any of my violin playing here like. EVER. #I’ve been here for OVER A DECADE #AND I’M POSTING MY VIOLIN FOR THE FIRST TIME. FOR FUCKING. GONCHAROV. #i don’t have the right emoji for how I’m feeling rn #personal #mine #my face

[cryptidwithacopiccollection]

Because in the light, you are untouchable.

(flickering gif/possible eyestrain below the cut)

#rb #my art #ace attorney #klavier gavin #flashing gif #flashing warning #eyestrain #art stuff #i dunno if this counts but #animated gif #when i say may art program *crunched* the gif #i mean it fucking CRUNCHED it look at that thing. tbh i kinda like the uncanny look it gives it though #i am losing my mind about this stupid fictional rockstar. 'hes a diva who freaks out and loses his shit over his keys going missing.' #'lol he even put his logo on his boot prints! haha thats so funny-' #do you understand that every. single. person involved with state v. gramareye felt watched. #the mishams were fucking *terrified* for almost a decade because of the looming threat of kristoph's retribution. and they were right. #zak was putting road behind him for years #hiding in the shadows so he couldnt be found. but he was found anyways. #klavier was kristoph's *brother*. he knows how cruel he can he up-close and personal. but hes not dumb. no #unlike everyone else he chose a strategy that actually worked: becoming so visible that it would be hard to make him disappear quietly. #of COURSE his shoes are like that. you know exactly whose boot prints they are. he plasters that logo on everything. youll know it's his. #ofcourse he made himself so popular. there would be massive public outcry if he was hurt or went missing. #and when he finally returns to the same city as kristoph after his brother's been arrested for murder thinking hes safe? #his keys disappear. why wouldn't he freak out? he's felt the looming weight of a threat to his life over his head since he fled at 17. #he needs his keys to use his bike. to get into his house. to the break locks on his stuff. stuff in his mind kristoph may now have access t #sure hes a diva #but he is also a scared little brother who is doing his goddamn BEST to avoid the painful retribution he knows kristoph had for him #because in the light? you are untouchable #there are too many eyes to see you go

[hella1975]

basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it

#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried #im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that #im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal #just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭 #and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails #like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow #and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things #like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice #and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off #she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭 #why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin #AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed #im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim #like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now #and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT #but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work #like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough #the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY #hella goes home

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[hellsbellssinclub]

When you think you might have bombed an interview and won’t get a job just keep this in mind;

I forgot to mention doing vital signs on a patient who in a scenario is having a heart attack. Vital signs is the one thing you start off with for any patient who is in a possible medical emergency.

I was just offered the job I applied for. They are sending me a letter of offer once they confirm my start date (as it is an internal transfer).

You didn’t do as badly as you thought. Everything works out in the end.

#holy fuck I was not expecting this phone call #I am legit writing fanfic at the moment and I get the call and had to stop myself from freaking out on the phone #I thought I bombed that interview so hard I wanted to cry after #but now I have a 12 month contract which is awesome because I should be finishing school then #and then I can apply as an RN either at ED or apply for grad program either way #and this works out well because next year I am moving down to where the hospital is anyway because there are cheep places there #guys you have no idea how excited I am #I have been so exhausted on my ward and I am very much looking forward to the fast pacedness of ED #I am also terrified btw because I have anxiety and don’t like new things or places #new chapter about to start in my life and I can’t wait #just gotta get the letter of offer now

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself #but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep #and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either #i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in #fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst #i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago #but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it #this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed #i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me #i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time #this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake #gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t #like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it! #i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life #when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so #i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have #but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip #and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude #though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i #it’s been gnawing at me #ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in #one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes #watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep #so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom #idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting #they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao #so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most #i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry #also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn #it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes

[smalltimidbean]

oh to have a fiend plush… i mean i can technically get one made by budsies (a plush making company) but you’re probably not comfortable with that. which is perfectly valid

i must confess i never thought i would admire them so much as i do lol (even if they slightly scare me /lh)

ah well i’ll continue to admire them from afar

Yeah, not only would I be very uncomfortable with that, it'd be incredibly disrespectful (and just plain weird) to take my personal character (or anyone's, really) and make a plush of them to keep for yourself - so, please do not do that

If I did theoretically have a project featuring Bean and Fiend, and it was popular enough for merch, Fiend plush would definitely be one of the first things to make, much to their chagrin hehe

Again, unlikely to happen, but thanks for liking Fiend so much!

(Also tangent, but if I had a nickel for every time someone really liked a more antagonistic spin-off of Bean, I would have at least two nickels, which is not a lot, but it is weird that it has happened at least twice… (reference))

#bean talks too much #sometimes I do think it would be cool to have a project with that kinda popularity but then I think about for like two more seconds kjdgfkj #for one I tend to work on things super hard for a while and then burn out completely and then never get back to that level of work #two I can barely handle the 'popularity' I have right now which isn't even that much #I already get super overwhelmed with checking tumblr in the morning and seeing like 50 notes and maybe one ask #imagine that times like ten and I explode into green slime #and I am bad at talking to people so I end up ghosting everyone by accident and I probably come across stand-offish and unapproachable #and I don't reach out to anyone bc it's fucking terrifying so most days I simply do not talk #three I am super particular/protective about things so if people took my characters and made AUs about them I'd probably freak the fuck out #which I know is INCREDIBLY HYPOCRITICAL of me to say bc I do exactly that so I would probably have to just deal with it #these are all things I personally need to work on but still scary to think about #what was this ask about I spiralled a bit #uhhhhhhh thanks for liking Fiend #okay time to draw what I was supposed today

[patchodraws]

uh oh guys, it’s bad (has come up with a new paper girls fic idea)

#paper girls #i wish i could churn out fics like i used to but damn am i so busy #and is it so hard to write sometimes #i could make this fic like. just a really long one shot instead of multichap #but also that would still take time #and i also already have so many wips to work on 😣 #anyways the girls go to kj’s family’s beach house one summer as teens #shenanigans ensue #mac avoids drinking for once and they’re all freaking out as to why #erin crushes hard on a neighbour boy who keeps seeing them at the beach #tiff has a panic attack about how next year is senior year or junior year or whatever #and she’s scared she won’t get into college #kj is determined to come out to the rest of the girls this go around #it could be like the beach in avatar #excellent episode #everyone deserves a beach episode that changes their life

[that-was-anticlimactic]

no one asked bUT imma go off (affectionate) anyways. ahem:

edse (practicum): portfolio is completed, did portfolio presentation this morning, blog is updated, have all the rubrics... DONE

347: major identity essay? done. final “essay”? done. just gotta go to class tomorrow so we can meet for the final exam time slot and we are going to. talk about books. no more assignments, yay!

395: edtpa? DONE. reflection? DONE. self-evaluation for edtpa? DONE. now, all i have to do is edit edtpa and then submit it for like Official grading and not class grading

405: presentation? made and presented. revision portfolio and reflection? DONE (finished it like fifteen minutes ago lol)

444: giant research paper? DONE. reflection? done. presentation? DONE. just gotta go to the final exam period thursday to watch the rest of the presentations, but no more work for meeeeeeee

and then finally... 305... the only final i actually have left...

#y'all i worked SO HARD #i am so so so ready for a break even tho it's p short #i stayed at college for thanksgiving break so i could do homework and i got SO MUCH DONE and i spent the last two weeks like hardcore #working on finals and homework and i did SO MUCH and i'm so relieved and so proud of myself holy trash that was so much #and my 405 prof is suggesting that i submit the fiction piece i wrote somewhere iugfcgvhujijuhygfc idk where but i'm kind of 👀 #like i'm a wuss and submitting scares me a bit ngl but like. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH he thinks that i just need to make slight like wording #revisions and then it's ready to go out iuyfgdxghuijohugfcghijo imma miss that class haha #anyways just like. in a Wow state of mind right now #like... it's all finally ending and then i student teach next semester and i freaking finally am about to have a break and like... i did it? #now all i have to do is do well on my 347 papers which aren't graded yet (i: am scared/nervous haha have an a but still ahhhhhhh) #and then write my 305 and get that back... and then edit and submit edtpa and then the worst of it: WAIT AND HOPE THAT I PASS EDTPA UGH #pls pray for me to pass <3 #or send good thoughts <3 #anyways sorry for rambling i just wanted to be proud of myself okijuhygfdxfgyhujioiuhygf

[eddis-not-eeddis]

.

#things in my life are actually getting better #but i don't really know how to cope with that because it's been about seven years since anything really good has come my way and i #i am freaking out #i might be having a mid-life crisis a little early #i'm a year behind but some of the BIG plots I've been scheming and dreaming of are finally about to come to fruition #and i cannot be even remotely normal about it #i feel like i'm paralyzed #i am so so scared of everything right now #i just want to hide myself in a dark corner and never have to see a single person ever again #it's not the first step on the path #but it's the first one where the end goal is FINALLY in sight and i have worked SO HARD for this for five years #(but really seven because for two years just hanging in there and not dying was harder than any of the work) #now that my goal is within my grasp #real and tangible #i don't really know what to do with myself #it's terrifying #and exciting #i feel like i can do anything but also like i'm going to crash and burn #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[pessimisticprincess]

dramatic but i fainted for the first time in my life today lmao

#one minute i was cleaning the room for the next patient and i started feeling super dizzy #then it was like i blinked and i was just on the floor lmao #so me for that to happen and man it like really hurts to just hit the ground like that #luckily i work where i do i got checked out bc i refuse to go to the hospital my deductible is too high for all that #anyways its been a few hours my mom picked me up bc the doc at work didnt want me to drive so soon #of course she freaked out but idk i feel mostly normal besides really sore my body hurts but i just am having a hard time taking it serious? #like it didnt happen to me or something idk!! i just feel weird about that happening and wanna move on from it #weird vent post but what else is new

[gibbearish]

the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚ #(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say) #n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚ #then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you' #and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

[bl00dw1tch]

It is so fucking funny how someone telling me to do something is the fastest and easiest way to get me to want to Actively grind my life back to halt instead.

#horse.txt #vent // #its dumb. im being dumb let me be clear. this is about getting a fucking job. writing my resume. my mom told me i need to #'start getting serious' about it #and i do. i do. #im just. ghhhh i feel like im going to fucking explode. its so easy its so easy everybody has to do it i dont get to be fucking special #but knowing that never fucking Means anything i can know that like its tattooed to my eyelids and it doesn't change the fact that #i have no idea what the fuck to do #i have lists and lists and lists of advice and tips and help and links and i appreciate them bc at least now i have a foundation to jump off #but i still can't fucking get through them #i cant figure it out. its right there but the second i start to try i run into some roadblock and i start freaking the fuck out #and then i cant fucking go back to it bc by then ive spent an hour crying and im too tired to do anything but sit and cry some more #i hate the fucking options here. i hate the options everywhete. i dont want to fucking work dude im just. im not fucking there #but theres no other fucking option and people get so fucking mean when you try to say that bc im just being fucking lazy lazy lazy #i dont know. if i am im not sure i care that much anymore #im just tired of feeling so fucking miserable and useless but it's hard to ignore because i just amm!!!!! #the only thing i can do better than some people is draw and the idea of doing That for a job makes me feel sick to my stomach #man. i dont know. idk #sometimes i just have to catastrophize things to get it out of my system . iygiygi #ill be fine #just might be a tense Christmas apparently.