#HOW am i supposed to naturally do that

[cerealmonster15]

back to the trials and tribulations of I Dont Know How To Write Chenyas Voice

#GIRL HELP. everything i write for him is like 'ok ok placeholder this is what youll say but ill edit it to make it more chenyalike later' #LATER ME ISN'T GONNA KNOW WHAT TO SAY #chenya you cant even get banished from this fic i made you besties with one of the main characters.............. #BUT i think the pov is USUALLY(????) gonna be cater. so maybe ill be saved. idk we'll see #im juggling so many characters in my brain i literally dont know what im gonna do #like i was thinking about it in the shower #bc i wanna have that subplot drama of jamil/azul and danarte when he shows up but like #HOW am i supposed to naturally do that #i did think a lot about one part tho. when i said i was stuck in a bathroom loop sjlkdfjd #i doodled out some of it. cater and jamil WILL talk in the bathroom at a social/party/whatever #i got a buncha ideas for that scene and itll be a good way to like #introduce the jamil/azul plotline #im thinking theyll be kinda in the background at first but then come more to the forefront in certain scenes/when danarte gets more involve #idk it's a crazy tangled dumb soap opera in my head #trying to actually write it is like. probably an impossible task #but i sure am trying #and FOR WHAT i do not think people will want to read it LOL #but. /i/ can read it kldsjflkjds #that being said. i also have some of my kalim/silver + jamil/azul fic written from nanowrimo #that one. theoretically i could clean up some of what i have and post as a first chapter #but ims cared LOL idk if im ready #what if i wanna change stuff. what if i wanna move scenes around. how much should i do. what if what if what if-

[puddii-ng]

ringing evil phone ♡

#enstars #my art #fanart #ensemble stars #femstars #hajime shino #how am i supposed to be normal after this #like #HELLO? #HELLLLLOOO?!?!?! #the crop tops were SO CROPPED #THE CORSET WAS CORSETTING #THE HEEEEELS #THE #THE WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING IN THE MV #still.. hajime will always be cute #tis the nature of my art style

[chayscribbles]

oopsie new gemini heist au just dropped! they're in a metal band now!!!

featuring Zeya on drums, Leo on lead guitar + vocals, Illiana on vocals, Euna on bass, and Gabi on keys!

gemini heist wip intro | art tag | instagram

a little explanation, some ramblings, and an effects-free version below

so this is my cousin's fault lmao. i was telling her about this wip and said something along the lines of "Leo and Zeya have different flavours of abandonment issues" and she replied "that would make such a good band name" and so. uh. the concept of the girls in a band immediately possessed me and i have been doing nothing for the last three days but drawing feverishly 🥲

(krita says i spent nearly 15 hours on this but that feels like a lie.)

legally i have to name the band the Sirens since it's their crew name but Flavours of Abandonment can definitely be their album lmao.

their sound would most resemble Conquer Divide (aka my 2023 most played artist):

i didn't spend more than 5 seconds assigning the girls their instruments but the more i think about it the more it makes sense. Zeya, for example, who is very small and very angry, gets to hit things very hard with sticks that can be analogous to her daggers.

as the keyboardist Gabi has tons of equipment and like, 4 different keyboards for different sounds that she spends countless hours programming, which just felt fitting since she's the tech person in the main canon. (source: my brother is a professional keyboardist.) also, in this au, she's a med school dropout who couldn't handle the pressure.

Leo writes most of the band's lyrics.

i was debating having Kalen in the band too but 6 people was gonna be too much to draw and sort of upset the symmetry i had pictured in my head. maybe in this au she sometimes secretly replaces her sister, say, when Illiana is sick, or just for funsies, idk.

i don't really have anything to say about Euna. uh, bassists are hot. (also, she and Zeya get to riff off each other, and we all know how i feel about their relationship.)

that's all, goodnight.

#wip gemini heist #gh art #art by chay #zeya kade #leo callisto #illiana dyonas #euna li #gabi franco #sirens band au #pls zoom in there are sooo many little details that i refuse to let go unnoticed kjdfkjsd #zeya blue and pink drumsticks. illiana's saint imagery. leo's dragon earcuff and snake ring. #gabi's anatomical heart tshirt for her med background. euna's tatted prosthesis. #oh and Illiana is naturally blonde in this au as evidenced by her eyebrows. #look at them! LOOK AT THEMMMMMM #also i love how everyone's in these badass fits and then there's gabi. #okay now that that's done... what am i supposed to do now? write ?????? #(bonus fun fact about chay! i was a bassist once!)

[torahtot]

ok ive had enough of queering judaism. can we start judaizing queerness now. or something

#like. it feels like so much of this queering judaism shtus just layers an american/secular queer identity over judaism #which i guess is fine for certain communities. but it's only going to push you away from orthodoxy #and if as queer jews we already feel like our queerness makes us into secularized outsiders in our own communities #how does this help? is trying to get our communities to embrace an essentially secular american iteration of queer identity supposed to mak #us feel LESS like outsiders? it's not quite doing it for me #we need a queerness that comes from within judaism that is essentially jewish #ive seen a couple of articles recently from ppl talking abt how word/concept of butch doesnt exist in their language & culture #but they use it anyway #& like. i love being butch. it's important to me ill never give it up #& i am american too. but my whole identity as a butch he/him lesbian is exclusively secular american it came from the outsifr #which is definitely due in large part to the fact that my Gender Problems were really tied up w orthodox jewish gender roles #so naturally to get out of that i'd pull on something not jewish. but i wish there was another option? idk if that's possible #or how it would look #maybe that's why im obsessed w the idea of a butch w long curly payos.... 😦 #i forgot where i was going w this but yeah it's frustrating #this is a large part of why im wary of starting a queer Jewish club on campus bc the people who would wanna start it w mr #well no offense but they are insufferable about this #(incidentally they're also insufferable about chanukah. no surprises there) #nachi speaks #jew blogging #others have Actually written abt all this tho

[leadandblood]

Hope I don't get scorn for this but I honestly... don't Get modern AUs? Like yeah go off but... Why..? I've never really understood them, but they seem really prevelant especially in Terror fandom.

Genuenly asking rn, what draws you towards modern AUs? I mean this as seriously as I possibly can. I do really want to know.

#Maybe it's my autism brain doing the ''not how it's supposed to be'' thing #It just feels wrong #Put those men back into 19th century :((( that is not their natural habitat #But i do really want to know #What you enjoy modern aus for #I am not judging whatsoever - i want that to be perfectly clear

[feral-radfem]

All of y'all pretending like heterosexual women are the only ones who experience misogyny, or experience the most misogyny, are not (just) being homophobic, you're being misogynistic.

You're denying women's sex based oppression is real or it's severity. So maybe sit down and shut up and realize that we are still women despite the fact that we are not sleeping with men. You have the ability to make the choice not to sleep with men too. It's not an inaction unique to homosexuals.

I will spread any feminist praxis I want, and if it's insulting for me to reiterate the ideals we preach in these spaces because I'm a homosexual then you can go ahead and be insulted. SSA women have just as much claim to these spaces as you do because we are women and these spaces are for fighting misogyny, which we all experience. It's not just for tackling the misogyny y'all are uncomfortable with, it's for tackling all of it. Get with the program, ladies.

#you don't have to like the fact that I sleep with women but you cannot act like I am not a woman #just as much right to be here and to preach the ideals radical feminists hold as you heterosexual women #I don't need to couch my language into something more appealing for you because I don't sleep with men #literally a problem you're choosing to perpetrate onto yourself #no one needs sex to survive nor romance it would be nice if you women would stop acting like they do. #the constant reiteration that women just naturally desire and need a romantic partner is misogyny it's propaganda #lily responds #radical feminism #radfems please touch #terfs please interact #radical feminists please touch #radical feminist #radical feminist theory #radfem lesbian #it doesn't become easier to be a good feminist as a lesbian you just aren't putting in the effort #I know this may come to a shock from you because you only hang out with lesbians in these faces but most women do expect we hold up #the gendered expectation for women and beauty standards just like it's expected of you #all socialized by the patriarchy on how women are supposed to look this doesn't change by being homosexual. we just make the effort not to #these ideas through our community cuz we're radfem homosexuals #maybe try to be less ignorant. that may help you be a better feminist overall

[autisticlee]

everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.

but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!

not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #autistic friendship #friendship problems #friends #the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean 🤷‍♂️ #they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one? #how am I supposed to know what the “right people” look like and where they are!! #this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right????? #most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily! #the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends.... #lee rambles #how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that #i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it 🥲 #most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[unopenablebox]

came home at 8:45 from work and 🌸 was already fast asleep fully dressed on the bed phone in hand completely unresponsive to sound including name-calling and loud floor creaks

probably they were planning to get more work done this evening but i'm going to sabotage that by turning their light off and ordering takeout so i don't make any cooking noises to wake them up, hopefully causing them to get up to a full 12 hours of sleep for what i think would be the first time in two and a half years

#can't check if their alarms for tomorrow are set‚ unfortunately‚ bc they don't have a fingerprint unlock phone anymore #so i can't do the ''cleverly manipulate your hand to unlock your phone in your sleep and set your alarms for you'' trick as i once did. #but we get up at the same time on fridays bc i have early meeting so i'll notice if they didn't. #box opener #girlfriend tag #i feel like my frequent blogging topics imply that my main interest in 🌸 is their sleep habits. it isn't but back when i was originally #becoming truly obsessed/falling in miserable secret love with them in college #it was roughly contemporaneous with their period where they tried to add our school's notorious theoretical cs program on top of their #existing bio/chem double major and 20hr/wk research commitments #and accordingly their sleep schedule would range from '4am-8am' to 'no'. #at the time i was very worried i was having an evil influence on their life (due to the corrosive nature of my secret passions obviously) #and my main countervailing evidence was how frequently i managed to convince them that going to sleep at 2am was ok to do #so i suppose. it remains a topic of some small interest. #also of course i am sulking a little because they are asleep so we can't hang out. so it helps to make it into a scheme i'm doing

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

Okay legit question: what is up with all the romance books that are just retellings of fairytales or classic myths?  Why is this specific trend so prominent?  It’s not inherently bad or anything I just don’t see enough of the appeal for it to be as popular as it is.

#do people just have an attachment to fairytales that i don’t? #stuff like that has always been background noise for me i guess #i loved Greek mythology growing up #but i was more into the weird monsters than the stories themselves #as for rehashes of classic literature #no #Why would i read the 50 millionth version of pride and prejudice #when the original is a) right there and b) better than pretty much every imitator #and it’s always classic romance novels #Mix it up #The Great Gatsby #dracula #moby dick #‘But blade’ #’how am i supposed to set something like moby dick in the modern day or a sexy fantasy world’ #figure it out #man still has hubris and nature still humbles #blade’s romance reading quest

[chaosgenasi]

this particular seed is located on the other side of tal’dorei, but thinking general terrah thoughts—whether the thing “rooted beneath” could be related to the primordials or to mortals (or both)

#basil.ramblings #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #i’d LOVE if they go more into the miners potentially fucking up like. the stability of the rift. it’s about mortal hubris #also it’s the brainrot but y’know who else tampered with powerful elemental magic— #also there’s a passage that talks about the somewhat strained relationship between terrah + zephrah bc of the difference #in general temperaments (the freedom/fun of air vs the stability of earth) #it reminds me of when orym gave ashton the flower somewhat jokingly and they were like. what the fuck am i supposed to do with this #WHICH IS SO FUN & INTERESTING BC WE MIGHT GO THERE. AH #we’re already dealing with the celestial/divine nature of ruidus with the keys & the gate; if we don’t delve into its elemental roots #i’ll die. also the fact that they still have 11 days until the solstice & one key left to destroy. the hishari lore summoning circle #remains strong ahsjdj (although idk how i feel about the Clock y’know. so if it happens after i’ll also be rlly happy)

[ouchhq]

am i so hard to care about?

#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer #if i dont put this out somewhere #SH s*icide tw !!!!! #i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it #i dont understand why my friends cant care about me #i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe #it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too #and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always #check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh #but especially when i am struggling they just disappear #like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them #these are supposed to be my best friends #these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again #i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts #and i dont tell them these things #i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my #problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues #i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on #of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e #whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return #i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides #even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me #i dont know what i should do #i want to say something #actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know #why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it #the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know #how i can do that feeling like this #but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood #if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….

[daz4i]

let me preface this by clarifying i am not anti therapy in any way whatsoever and in fact encourage people to get therapy if they can and even go the extra step to help friends find the right type of therapy that may help them

ok now that that's out of the way.

therapy is bullshit man you go to a therapist saying "hey. i wanna kill myself. can you help me stop wanting to kill myself somehow?" and they go "sure! first step, stop wanting to kill yourself" and you say "well i can't. that's why i came to you. bc i don't know. how to stop wanting to kill myself" and they'll say "that's a shame. i can't help you if you want to kill yourself. that'll be 125$ please"

#mad abt my old therapist again #even checked the cost of sessions in usd to make this accessible. came out to be 124$ and a bit. and i did that on a weekly basis for YEARS #and i'm extra mad bc trying to find a new therapist is already hard esp with bpd where your options are very limited as is #but when they ask abt my history with therapy and they ask why i stopped seeing him after years. what am i supposed to say #so that scares them off and they say they can't help me or they're like. scared to go deep with me ig. bc idk. they're scared I'll snap? #what am i supposed to do. hospitalizing myself isn't an option obvs. what is there left. #it feels like a cycle #like. 'i can't help you if you don't want to help yourself'. but i need help even figuring out how to want that #and it's not like ppl in my life know how to help. tbh they usually make it worse. so loved ones aren't an option and professionals aren't - #- an option. so what is there left. how am i supposed to do a thing that comes naturally to others but not to me #even with medication even being in a recovery program i want to kms more than i used to for years #I'm supposedly taking the right steps. but. to get metaphorical ig. the road is crumbling and there's nowhere to go #and that only makes me spiral more. despite taking the right steps i feel like i'm only getting worse. there's no hope for me. lol #vent #suicide // #negative // #ask to tag #i need a good cry like full-on sobbing and screaming but unfortunately. i became too emotionally constipated for that

[zero-a]

people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"

#mine.txt #just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts #like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health #but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh #all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less #i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions #as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom #not to mention the human quality of escalating things #so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness'' #but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say #'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!' #sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀 #im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes #and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second #well idc most of the time that is #sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough) #with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me #but with the dpd its like #oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me #cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment #this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them #possibly even block the op

[tev-the-random]

We love to wash down the highly chaotic Limited Life day with some fresh sips of tea, curses and dresses in Empires. Gotta drink something after all that bread, right?

#Nature Wives fans how we doing after this one? I'm heartbroken #I swear you can't get a second of peace when you're this deep into mcyt #how the hell am I supposed to cope? #everyone was fabulous though goddamn #Empires SMP #Empires season 2 #Limited Life #Life Series #I'll... I'll lay down for a minute #TEV Talk

[luvsavos]

girl help i've monster huntered the vultures into permanently being de-masked

#mar.txt #rain world #monster hunter #rw vulture #this is uhhhh definitely not how i'm supposed to be playing monk #in my defense. i made this save with the sole intent of befriending the garbage wastes scavs. this led to me getting dragged into #a scav-vulture war #naturally i tried my best to contribute to it but i was not very good at first #they just kept coming (there is three exactly) and i started to get better at fighting them，one by one they got de-masked (and i think i #may have actually been the one to de-mask the green one，albeit by accident) #and then the monster hunter brainrot kicked in and the gameplay loop of grab food -> (optional) get pearl and bring to scavs as gift -> #go out with a hunting/kill(?) party to where the vultures keep coming down and wait for them to come #started to unironically actually be fun and i started to genuinely enjoy fighting the vultures and now i just straight up bait them out solo #to fight them #i do not think i am supposed to be doing this because no matter how many times i kill them they never respawn with their masks even tho the #scavs that Had their masks all got Got #they definitely do not like me very much when i opened the game all three started immediately coming at me with murderous fury as soon as i #got to The Spot #two of them have managed to get me back to back but i think they deserve it as emotional compensation for everything😭 #rain world is a fun game #at least this theoretically means i'll be better at the more combat-oriented scugs! (ignoring that i am Really good at vultures and #absolutely Nothing else💀)