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afroditisworld · 21 hours

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Nobody

Sirius Black x insecure!Reader

Warnings: graphic bullying, use of mudblood, use of pet names (luv) if you are not into that please do not read.

word count: 5k

Being a muggle-born at Hogwarts was not easy. You were not popular, but you didn't care. What was important to you were your close friends, who embraced you for who you were. But Avery, a pureblood wizard who had a talent for tormenting anyone who didn't conform to his ideals, had taken a particular interest in making your life difficult. And being introverted didn't help; you were an easy target for his devious schemes.

You knew that Hogwarts was supposed to be a place of magic and wonder, but it often felt like a dark and lonely place for you. Avery would call you mudblood, make rude remarks in class, and even trip you in the hallways. But you refused to show him that his words and actions affected you.

Your friends could tell how badly you were hurting and did everything they could to help you. They even encouraged you to speak with your teachers. You knew deep down that your friends were right; you should speak with a teacher about what was happening. But every time the thought crossed your mind, fear held you back. Fear of making things worse; fear of being seen as weak or unable to handle the situation on your own.

It had become a vicious cycle; Avery's bullying behaviour continued because he knew he could get away with it. And the longer it went on, the harder it became for you to break out of that pattern.

Avery's taunts and pranks appeared to get worse over time. He would usually see you in empty hallways or classrooms, making rude comments about your blood type and belief in your lack of magical abilities. You tried to ignore him, but it was becoming more difficult. You were trying to convince yourself that if you were patient, things would work out and that since it was your final year, you could handle one more year. Your friends immediately noticed something was wrong, and they would always ask what was bothering you. But the answer was always the same: "It's fine, I'm fine. But you were lying first to yourself and then to them.

As the year dragged on with no change in sight, you were desperate for something to break the monotony. And then it happened in Slughorn's class. When he asked to work as a team of two on an advanced Potions assignment, you were about to speak up and ask to work alone, as you always had before, but before the words could escape your lips, a figure slid into the seat next to you.

"Excuse me." The boy's voice suddenly cut through your thoughts. You turned to see none other than Sirius Black, the infamous troublemaker of Hogwarts, standing beside you. "Do you mind if we work together? My seatmate is feeling sick, so...” Sirius continued. As someone who preferred to work alone, you were not used to being approached for group projects. But with Remus missing classes due to his monthly transformations, it seemed Sirius had no other choice.

“Y-yeah sure… Um, I don’t mind,” you replied with a slow nod.

"So, what's your name?" Sirius asked. As Sirius asked for your name, you couldn't help but feel a pang of loneliness. How could someone not know a student in the same class as them?

"Y/L/N, Y/L/N, Y/N," you answered quickly, feeling invisible compared to his charm and presence.

"Sirius Black," he introduced himself, but the words felt hollow to you.

“I know who you are,” you commented of course everyone knew who he was. But as your own words slipped out without thinking, seeing Sirius's confusion only made you feel more insignificant.

“Um, we-we have been in the same class s-since first year. That's why.” You continued, trying not to sound awkward, but failed.

Sirius' eyes widened as he realised his ignorance after six years. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, his voice sounding odd and disappointed.

"Oh, it's fine. It's not the first time that something like this has happened to me." You blurted out, immediately regretting your words as a wave of awkwardness washed over you. You quickly averted your gaze back to the professor, hoping to avoid any further social mishaps.

As you scribbled notes in your potions textbook, a mix of disappointment hit you as you observed him not even attempting to take any notes; maybe he expected to do all the work. But that wasn't true. Sirius was on his own mind, thinking that Hogwarts wasn't even big enough to not know all the students in his year, but here he was to prove that wrong.

When the class drew to a close, you began gathering your things. Sirius leaned over and asked, "How are we going to do this?" You were confused; you didn't know if he was genuinely offering his help or trying to avoid the project altogether. Before you could respond, his friends called out to him, and he left with a promise to catch up later.

When he shifted his attention to you, he realised you were still packing your stuff.

"I'll wait for you outside, okay?" he announced, and you responded with a gentle "Okay" and a nod.

As you were about to leave the classroom, your professor's voice stopped you. "Miss Y/L/N, the potion will be far simpler to accomplish if you work with a team." Slughorn leaned back in his chair, observing you with a sly grin. "I've heard you prefer to work alone," he continued. Before he could say anything else, you interrupted him.

"I'll work with Surius Black," but you didn't know if that was true.

When you left the classroom, you instantly noticed him. Sirius Black leaned against the wall. He waved for you to see him, but it wasn't necessary; he was always seen. He was Gryffindor's golden boy, both pure-blood and Black who always managed to stand out. He possessed everything you didn't.

As you approached him, his voice rang out in your ears: "So, how are we going to tackle this?". You furrowed your brows, unsure of how to respond. Working in a team was unfamiliar territory for you, leaving you at a loss for words.

"Um...how do you usually work?" you asked, tilting your head to the side.

"Oh, Jamie and I just joke around while Moony does all the real work," he chuckled, adding to your confusion.

"Moony?" you inquired, looking up at him curiously.

"Remus," he clarified with a nod of his head.

"So...I can handle the potion then; no need for-" you started to say before Sirius cut you off.

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant. I want us to work on this together," he interjected eagerly, causing a small smile to grace your lips.

"We can meet tomorrow after classes in the library if you're free," he suggested.

You were ready to tell him that the library was your second home, where you spent most of your time lost in books or studying, but decided against it to avoid sounding too pitiful.

So you simply nodded and said, "Yes, it's fine with me," with a slight smile.

"Great, it's a plan then," he stated before leaving.

But before you could move on to your next class, you heard a familiar voice calling for you.

“Oi, mudblood,” you heard Avery’s voice, but you decided to ignore it, starting to walk as fast as you could. But he and his friend group didn’t seem to want to leave you alone.

So he called you again. “Oi, I’m talking to you.” Avery's voice was harsh and grating, cutting through the air as he continued to call out to you. His friends snickered and whispered amongst themselves, adding to the cacophony of mocking voices. And yet, there was a hint of mocking in his tone, a cruel edge that made your skin uneasy.

Your heart raced as their footsteps grew louder and their presence loomed closer. Even if you tried to get away from them, they would always catch you, and you knew it when you felt Avery’s hand in your hair pulling you back at him.

"Where do you think you're going?" Avery sneered, his grip tightening on your hair. The fear in your eyes only seemed to fuel his cruel amusement.

He made you look at him; your eyes were full of tears, and your heart started beating faster.

"When I'm talking to you, you better listen. Show some respect," he said, and a painful whine left your mouth. You heard all of them laughing at your pain, and you couldn't do anything other than look down. You felt so small and pathetic.

"Oh, poor mudblood." The cruel voice of Mulciber pierced through the air, making fun of your blood status. "You and Black, such a perfect match, a mudblood and a blood traitor," he said disgustingly.

As Avery let go of your hair, tears streamed down your cheeks. You stumbled away, feeling the weight of their hatred bear down on you. You hurried to your next class, trembling and glancing over your shoulder to ensure no one was following you. Even as you ran, the hurtful words echoed in your mind, a constant reminder of the division and disapproval that filled the wizarding world.

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The next day, you couldn't stop thinking about your study with Sirius; it was the first time you'd work on a project with someone you didn't know well, and you were nervous, not knowing how to act because it was new to you. So as soon as the classes finished, you rushed to the library; you didn't want to be late. You found your usual seat available, and you waited for him. But as time ticked by and he still hadn't shown up, you couldn't help but feel abandoned and forgotten. Maybe he had other priorities or forgot about your meeting altogether. Defeated, you resigned yourself to working alone.

You began to gather your materials by finding books that would help you with the potion and the things that you would need. After half an hour, your desk was filled with books, and the library started getting busier. When you were ready to sit at your desk and start the research, a book caught your attention. It was about Greek mythology. And, oh, how you love it! you started flicking through the pages with such interest that you didn't hear someone getting closer to you.

"So here you are." Sirius' playful voice brought you back to reality. He even scared you so much that you flinched, and as a result, the book fell from your hand.

"You came," you said, biting your lip and trying to hide a smile.

"Of course, I came, Y/N; we said that we were going to do this together," he commented. You kneeled to get your book as you smiled. His answer made you feel relaxed.

"So, where were you? For a minute, I thought you stood me up," he laughed.

"N-no! I, um, I was right there," you said as you showed him with your hands where you were sitting.

When Sirius looked at your desk, which had a pile of books now, he left a small chuckle and said, "That's why I didn't see you; I don't think that I have ever come to this corner of the library."

"Well, it's really quiet there, even on the busiest days of exams; it's always empty. It's like my secret place; well, not anymore, but you know…" you said, looking away, feeling that you overshared again. Sirius smiled warmly and said, "I won't tell anyone about your secret spot, I promise." and you couldn't help but smile back.

"So what's all that?" he said as you got closer to your desk, which was filled with a pile of books by now.

"Oh, um, I found some books that could help us; um, I thought you forgot, and I started by myself." You said and bit your lips.

When you took a seat, Sirius sat next to you. You started explaining the books you found and how they could be useful for the project you were working on together.

You didn't know what time it was, but the library was empty by now, and you had made so many notes that your hand was hurting. You left a small groan and turned to look at Sirius, who was already looking at you.

"No, Luv, we can do it together tomorrow," he commented, making you blush with the nickname.

Sirius noticed it, of course; he also noticed your shy personality, how you talk softly, and how you always seem to put others before yourself. It was one of the things he admired most about you.

"Tomorrow?" you asked, tilting your head.

"Yeah… What? You don't like my company," he asked, teasing you.

"No, no, no, it's not that, I swear," you said immediately, shaking your head.

Sirius smiled playfully at your reaction. "I'm only teasing you, Luv," he said, making you blush once again.

"I just thought you would have other things to do on your Saturday," you said as you both started getting your stuff ready to leave the library.

"So what are you reading?" he asked as you picked the book you were interested in before.

"Oh, it's about Greek mythology; I'm really into it. You know Circe was a witch who lived in ancient Greece; she was a minor goddess who was said to transform sailors lost around her island of Aeaea into animals via the use of enchanted food." You said with one breath. When you saw Sirius's shocked face, you looked down at your hands as you murmured, "Sorry, I get easily excited," with an awkward smile.

"Don't apologise; it's nice to have something to get you this excited," Sirius said as you left the library.

"Do you?" you asked, eager to learn more about him.

"Oh yeah, for me, it's music that's keeping me excited. Mostly muggle music. Do you know, um, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, Queen, ABBA? They are singers and bands," he asked you.

"Of course, I know them," you said with a smile. "I'm muggle-born after all, Sirius." You continued.

Sirius's eyes widened; he didn't expect that you were so smart and you were always studying—at least this was what he understood—that he thought you were from a strict pureblood family that he didn't know about.

"It doesn't matter," he said immediately as he saw your smile drop. "I just didn't know," he commented, trying to justify his reaction. "But who's your favourite one?" he asked, attempting not to make things more awkward than they already were.

"Oh, Fleetwood Mac," you said with a nod as Sirius smiled at you, happy with your answer. "Yours?" you asked.

"Led Zeppelin," he told you.

"So you like hard stuff?" you said with an innocent smirk.

"Yeah, luv, I like the hard stuff," Sirius said, grinning at you, making you blush and look away to hide it.

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And so the days passed, with you and Sirius studying together and hanging out for reasons other than studying. You two had gotten pretty close by talking about your interests and teasing each other about them. When you were with Sirius, you felt like someone else, and he made it easy for you to open up because he was always listening to you. So you began to wonder if something might change during your final year at Hogwarts. But, oh… How stupid were you?

You were having breakfast with your friends, talking about how you would spend your weekend when you told them that you had a study section with Sirius, and all of them smirked at you.

"You know, I'm starting to believe you have a crush on Sirius Black." Your best friend said.

"N-no, no, we are just studying really," you said immediately, trying to defend yourself, but the truth was that you were starting to like his company a little bit more. Your friends saw that and decided to drop the conversation.

"We are heading outside," one of your friends said. "When you are done, come find us," she continued with a smile. You nodded, but you couldn't stop thinking about what they said earlier. Was it so easy to understand your crush on Sirius?

"You know, when I said you and Black would be a perfect match, I didn't really mean it." Avery's cold voice broke your thoughts. "He would never like you; you're just a mudblood." He said and with a laugh, he left.

You couldn't move. The only thing that was playing on your mind was, 'How does he know?' You tried to act like nothing happened and like what he just said didn't affect you. But it did. And Surius noticed that. He noticed how your expression changed when Avery talked to you. And he was surprised with himself because Sirius couldn't even understand when his friends were mad at him.

"Is Y/N okay?" he asked his friends without thinking.

"Who's Y/N?" Peter asked.

Sirius then shook his head towards you, and all his friends—Remus, James, Peter, and Lily—turned to look at you.

"Oh, the lonely girl," James said with a smile, relieved that he knew you, winning a death stare from Lily. James didn't mean to offend anyone; he simply didn't think twice before speaking.

"Oi, mate," said Remus, looking at James. "I know her; she's always in the library," Remus continued looking at Sirius now.

"Why wouldn't she be okay?" Lily asked.

"And since you care ?" James butted in.

"Um, well, Avery was talking to her," Sirius answered Lily, never taking his eyes off of you.

A small "Oh" left Lily's lips and continued, "He's been making her life difficult since the first year. She's his easy victim, you know because she's muggle-born."

Sirius didn't even think twice; he just stood up and started getting closer to you.

"What about my question ?" Was the last thing he heard from his table, coming from James.

When Sirius came and sat next to you at first, you didn't notice him.

"Y/N." His soft voice made you look up at him. "You good, luv?" he asked, and the stupid nickname gave you butterflies, forgetting for a little what had happened before.

"Yeah, I- I'm fine," you murmured with a nod. "Do you need something, Sirius?" you asked him gently.

"No… Actually, I'm just checking," he replied. "I didn't know that you were friends with Avery," he said, trying to make you open up to him.

You shook your head instantly. "We are not; he just, um, he just wanted to ask something."

Sirius didn't expect this answer, so he asked again. You just nodded, and before he could say anything else, you left him alone. As you were leaving, you couldn't only feel his eyes on you but his friends as well.

You started walking away from the Great Hall as fast as you could because the only thing that you wanted right now was to lie on your bed.

When your body hit the bed, the only thing that came to mind was that you could handle Avery's attitude because, after all, you were strong. The minutes ticked by, each one feeling like a heavy stone on your chest. Shadows danced on the room's walls as the sun set. The silence and solitude were overwhelming, leaving you feeling restless and bored.

So you decided to get up and find your friends, who were very concerned about you. But a few minutes later, you regret your decision.

"You and Black are pretty close." It was Snape's voice that made you stop moving. You closed your eyes, and you could feel your heart beating faster. "Yeah, Y/N, I thought we were your only friends," said Avery with a humiliating laugh.

"I-" you tried to defend yourself, but before you even had the opportunity to say something more, Snape pushed you, making you fall with your back.

"I don't think that you told him anything, right mudblood?" said Snape as Avery was pushing you down with his feet.

A small, painful whine left your mouth, and you looked up at them. "What? Are you scared of him, Snape?" you asked.

Snape didn't answer you, but Avery did. "You wish, mudblood. Dare to tell him anything, and I swear to Salazar, I'll kill you," he said, and with that, he left you alone.

You stood up; your lips were trembling as you tried to hold back tears. Snape's cold eyes bore into yours, sending a chill down your spine. The threat from Avery lingered in the air, leaving you feeling more weak than ever. You quickly wiped away the tears and squared your shoulders, refusing to show weakness in front of Snape. Taking a deep breath, you turned and walked away, determined not to let them see you break.

And this is how you end up spending your Saturday evening in the library; you didn't have the energy to go hang out with your friends, and you just needed something to make you forget about the whole day. So you went to the library to do what you knew best: study.

"I knew that I could find you here." Sirius interrupted your studies with a cheerful voice, making you look up at him.

"You were looking for me?" you asked, confused, tilting your head quizzically.

"Yeah… you looked tense this morning, and I didn't see you with your friends after, so I- I was kinda worried," Sirius told you, surprised with himself and with a small smile as he played with his hair awkwardly. The Casanova boy was surprised by himself; he noticed you like he had known you for years. He noticed the way you reacted when Avery was close to you and how you avoided his question this morning, and he even noticed that you weren't with yourself. If Sirius didn't know himself better, he could say that he was falling for you.

"Um, sorry for worrying you; I was just tired," you answered by lying.

"Don't apologise to me, Y/N; come on," Sirius said, feeling sick that you felt the need to offer an apology. You opened your mouth to apologise to him, but you closed it once more.

"Are Avery and his friends bothering you, luv?" he asked with a sad smile.

You shook your head right away. "What? No, um, where did this come from?"

"Well, this morning-" he started saying, but you interrupted him.

"Don't worry about me, Sirius; everything is fine," you said as you stood up to go find some books that you needed for the project, trying to get away from this conversation. But Sirius followed you through the aisle of the bookshelves.

"But are you fine, Y/N?" Sirius spoke again, making you look at him and give him a painful smile.

"Of course," you said as you pulled him by his wrist to follow you. You really liked his company; he made you forget all about your problems, especially when he wasn't talking about them.

"So you did the project all alone?" he asked playfully.

"Well, almost. I really wanted to do something, and it was my only unfinished assignment," you answered him. Then you stopped moving tip-toeing to get the book that you needed, but you couldn't get it.

"Let me get it for you, luv," Sirius whispered with his husky voice, his hand gently brushing yours as he reached for the book. His closeness and touch sent a wave of tingling sensations throughout your body, making it hard to focus on anything else.

You took the book from Sirius, trying to steady your trembling hands. "T-thanks," you stammered, avoiding his intense gaze as you pretended to focus on the pages.

When you looked down, your hair fell to your face, and Sirius couldn't help himself but reach out to tuck a loose strand behind your ear, his fingers lingering on your skin for a moment longer than necessary. The small gesture sent your heart racing, and you couldn't help but wonder if Sirius felt the same electric connection between you both. With his index finger, Sirius made you look at him; you were a blushing mess.

"Love it when I make you blush for me," Sirius said, and before you could even progress what he said, he leaned down and kissed you. His lips were warm and soft against yours. A shiver ran down your spine, causing goosebumps to rise on your skin. It was a moment filled with passion and longing, leaving you breathless and wanting more.

"Sirius," you breathed out. You felt your face getting hotter again; you knew you were blushing. You tried to hide your face with your hands, but Sirius was quicker. He gently pulled your hands away, a smirk playing on his lips as he looked into your eyes with adoration. "Don't hide your pretty face from me, Y/N," he whispered, his thumb brushing against your cheek. The intensity of his gaze made your heart race even faster. You felt like Sirius genuinely cared for you like he had noticed you. Like you were finally seen by someone.

Sirius's hands hugged your face, and before he could even reach for you, someone called his name.

"Sirius," said Remus, and with the sudden interruption, you flinched and got away from Sirius's touch.

"James was looking for you; you have to go to practice, you know." Looking once at Sirius and once at you, the tall boy spoke.

"Did I interrupt anything ?" He asked as he noticed your flushed face. Sirius rolled his eyes at him and then looked at you again.

"Look, luv, as much as I would love to sit here and help you with our project, I have to go to practice or James would kill me, and we don't want that, do we?" He said with a playful smirk as you shook your head, biting your lips, and tried not to smile at his cockiness.

"I- I can give you the result later if you want," you said shyly.

"Perfect, I see you by nine in Gryffindor's common room," he said, turning to his friends and leaving. Before they could even disappear from your sight, you heard Sirius talking.

"Bad timing, Moony, bad timing." and a small smile was placed on your lips. You were so eager to get this project done so you could spend some time with Sirius.

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So once you were done and the clock was showing 9 p.m., you hurried to Gryffindor's common room, hoping he would be there. So when you were inside —some first years had opened for you— you heard Sirius before you saw him.

"I think Avery is really messing with Y/N; maybe Lily's right," Sirius said. You tried to stay still and not make a sound. You knew what you were doing wasn't right but you couldn't appear now when he was talking about you.

"She told you," Remus asked him.

"No, she didn't; actually, I think that she hasn't told anyone," Sirius replied to him. And suddenly, it didn't feel nice to be noticed. Sirius read you like a book, and he displayed you to his friends. You didn't want to sound so miserable, nor did you want everyone to know your problem.

"How are you so sure, then?" A new voice asked him, Maybe it was James or Peter you didn't know.

"Her mood is always changing when he's near her, and sometimes I feel like she's scared that he will appear from nowhere." He said again. He made you sound so miserable; you weren't a scared little girl that you needed his help; you could handle it all alone as you did the last seven years. Even though everything he said was true, you felt sad when he talked about your problems with someone; you couldn't even recognise his voice.

"You have known me since the first year, and you can't even notice when I'm mad at you." The unknown voice said again.

"Oh, come on, Peter, we are talking about some other kind of noticing here; he cares for her in another way," Remus said with a playful tone. You hold your breath, ready to hear Sirius answer, which would make you forget about your second thoughts. But that never came.

"Yeah… I mean, no, no, it's just sad. I feel bad for her; she's having some difficult times," Sirius stated, making your heart lose a bit.

Remus breathed out; that was what Sirius always would do: push himself away if he felt emotionally vulnerable. It was frustrating, but Remus knew it was his way of protecting himself.

You felt so empty; he felt sad for you. That's why he noticed you and asked you questions that no one had. Did he kiss you because he felt bad for you?

"Sirius…" it was Remus's disappointed voice that stopped your heartbreaking thoughts. "If it's for pity, you have to stop giving the poor girl hope." You couldn't stand listening to them. You couldn't even stand thinking about what they were saying, so you just left, running from your room. You weren't just some poor girl who needed Sirius Black's pity or his rescue.

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So when you didn't appear in Gryffindor's common room, Sirius was worried sick. Why did you not come? Did something happen to you? Did he make you uncomfortable? But no, he kissed you, and you kissed him back. Maybe you didn't finish the project, or maybe you were too tired. He didn't know what happened, but he would find out the next day, or this was what he said to himself. Sirius was a man with a plan.

So when he entered the Great Hall and saw Avery at your table, he forgot everything about his plan.

"I was expecting better from you, Y/N. I thought they were saying that you are smart, but falling for him... Come on, he's Sirius Black, and you are, well, you are a nobody…" Avery said making you feel so small. When Sirius walked into the room and you both saw him, Avery laughed.

"Poor Y/N, I bet he's talking to you just because he feels sad about you. He's pitting you, but he shouldn't; you are a filthy mudblood after all." He continued. Sirius was now closer, but he still couldn't hear what Avery was telling you.

"St-Stop it," you said, cringing when you heard your voice cracking. Avery knew what to say to break your heart, and he was doing it intentionally.

"Oi, Avery, why haven't you shut up already?" Sirius basically shouted, making the whole hall turn to look at you three.

"Oh, look who's here, the prince with the saviour complex," Avery sneered, turning his attention from you to Sirius. Sirius took a step forward, his eyes blazing with anger, as he prepared to defend you against Avery's cruel words. Every word that was leaving Avery's mouth was hitting you like a knife.

"Sirius, stop," you managed to say quietly.

"You heard her, Black; your princess doesn't need to be saved," Avery said with a sarcastic smile.

"Talked to her one more time. I dare you." Sirius said, getting closer to Avery as his eyes darkened.

"So protective," Avery said as he left you two alone, laughing at both of you.

"You okay?" he asked, looking worried at you. But when he looked at you like this, the only thing that you could think of was how he talked about you last night. He tried to hold your hand and come closer to you, but you backed off.

"No," you said, looking at him madly and shaking your head. Before he could say anything else, you left him alone, walking away from him.

"Luv, wait," he called you, but it was too late. But Sirius knew where to find you; you had shown him your secret place, and two minutes later he was facing you again.

"Why did you leave like this before?" he asked you with a confused look.

"Obvious, because I want to be left alone, Black," you replied to him without even looking at him.

"Y/N, what are you even talking about? I just… for Merlin's shake I just want to help you" he said trying to catch your eyes.

"I'm fine I don't need your help or your rescue; I'm not your problem to fix." You said, finally letting out all the things that had been weighing on your mind since last night.

"No, you are not fine; don't give me this bullshit excuse of yours," Sirius replied, not being able to control his anger anymore.

"Okay, I guess I'm the coward who can't accept the fact that Avery has been messing with me for the last seven years, but who cares Sirius?" Your voice cracked as you shouted the last words, feeling the weight of your heartache crushing down on you.

"Who cares? I care, dammit!" Sirius exclaimed, his voice full of frustration and concern.

But you shook your head, your voice now raspy and weary. "Nobody cares, Sirius. You're just pitying me, and I don't want your pity." The words stung as they left your mouth, but you couldn't stop them

"I don't pity you; I care about you," Sirius insisted, his eyes pleading for you to understand.

"You didn't even know I existed two weeks ago, Sirius. How can you claim to care now?" Your voice trembled as tears continued to fall on your face. "You're just trying to ease your own guilt by pretending to care about me," you added, feeling a mix of anger and hurt in your voice.

"I'm sorry if it seems that way, but I truly do care about you," Sirius responded softly, trying to reach for your hand again, but again this time you pulled away, feeling the agony of his words tearing at your heart. "Then please, just stop," you whispered brokenly before turning and walking away from him once more, feeling shattered and alone.

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reblogs are always appreciated!

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and i don't want your pity i just want somebody near me

#sirius black x reader #x reader #sirius black angst #sirius black x you #sirius black x y/n #sirius black x fem!reader

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degenerateshinji · 1 month

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tosses this at u & leaves

#okay maybe i spent like hours upon hours of my life reading this manga #okay maybe this is my new favourite thing idk give it a few months #grr them them them them barks at you #miyayama #ryu yamada #toranosuke miyamura #miyamura x yamada #yamada and the seven witches #yamada-kun to nananin no majo #yatsw #art #fanart #my art #really tried to cram the shojo vibes into this one please eat up #EVERYONE READ THIS NOBODY HAS READ THIS PLEASE READ THIS

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mikakuna · 10 days

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why do anti-jason fans always have an opinion on his characterization and how we write him in fanfic as if they've read anything beyond comics where his character is completely assassinated and written by individuals who despise him?

"you're not actually a jason fan if you remove everything that he's done in canon"

answer me truthfully: would you accept a comic as canon if it was written by someone who hates your favourite character? i'm not a tim fan so i'd mess up his entire storyline if i wrote a comic for him. would you read that and happily accept it as canon? because i assure you that i'd purposely mess his entire character up just because i dislike him. it would be full of bias because i don't understand his character as well as an actual tim fan does. would you still accept this comic as canon?

literally the majority of jason comics are written by people who don't like him and don't even know his source material. why shouldn't we nitpick what we wanna accept as canon??

#this post was brought upon by anti jason bs in the tag #we are tired people!!!!!!#please let jason fans enjoy things #antis are genuinely infuriating like please calm down and interact with other material #nobody is forcing you to read jason fics #i assure you that your fav batfam character has amazing fics where your fav isn't ruined to make everyone else look good #why do you have such a strong stance on something when you don't even fully understand it #let's practice peace of mind and interact with things we like so we don't lose it #jason todd #red hood #anti tim drake #just because i don't want tim fans to stumble upon tim hate by accident

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anirudhpisharody · 8 days

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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much #it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with #i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown #friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any #close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it #would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely #i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with #other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes #it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know #like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk #to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that #i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that #it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have #more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i #don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so #they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine #wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine #and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom #which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn #anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed #i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight #shut up hanna

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bmpmp3 · 2 months

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(jigsaw voice) hello viz media. kodansha. seven seas whoever the fuck- hello english manga localization companies. before you is a list of shoujosei manga:

ah itoshi no banchousama

himitsu top secret

love rerun

kotou buchou (and hitomonchaku nara yorokonde while ur at it)

sora wo kakeru yodoka

dame na watashi ni koishite kudasai

you have however long you need to make english releases of these series. WITH physical release. i want them on my book shelf so i can sit on the floor and read them instead of doing my homework. if you do not follow my demands than i will., be sad

#as i am making this dumb post i am realizing how like half of these have drama adaptations #also realized that aa itoshi no banchou sama DID have an english release. cmx. only volume 1 #AUGHHHHHHHHHH #who the hell owns cmx's old licenses. apparently DC does. DC if you dont rerelease and finish localizing this i am going to. intervene #i was also gonna include liselotte and witches forest as another random ass shoujosei im weirdly attached to #but i just found out its been localized??????? since 2016????????#WHY did nobody tell me I NEED to find these books NOW #also not all of these are good. most are. love rerun is kinda messy. but its short and im obsessed with it regardless #kotou buchou is fantastic tho same with the other thing by the same author about the hr lady #kotou buchou has everything its silly its funny its serious its cute its weird its awesome #also everyone should read himitsu top secret its INSANE. insane. and homoerotic <3 #also manga plaza PLEASE release physical versions of fat love and mistakes NOW #or like get a contract with a publishing company to do it PLEASE im begging im on my knees and BEGGING

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ortustheninth · 2 years

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What do you think tazmuir is implying about Augustine

Fratricide :(

#going tbh tho my thoughts on this are NOT ironed out. but the ‘nobody likes a peacemaker’ line haunts me #SOMEONE on their side shot Alfred; would be very metaphor of tazmuir to have it be Augustine #tlt #nona the ninth spoilers #augustine the first #alfred quinque #the locked tomb #nona the ninth #tlt spoilers #the locked tomb series #half the problem is that sometimes jod tells the unvarnished truth. most times he is just lying out of his ass. SO maybe jod has solid iron #proof that Augustine would wish death upon someone who said ‘let go it; no one needs to be punished for what happened/is happening to earth’#and skimmed the chapter where Alfred (and everyone else) dies and there’s nothing that contradicts Augustine pulling the trigger.#which considering he’s his brother. you’d think there might be SOMETHING #altho there was. a lot else going on and it’s john ‘egomaniac central’ gaius narrating #but it would line up with christobel’s 1st and 2nd death paralleling each other. ok ok I’m going to stop talking in the tags now. trul #if u have read this far in the tags and have any thoughts please tell me them I have 2 brain cells and have already worked them to max capa #city coming up w my own thoughts on this and there was not a whole lot of quality control during the process #ntn #I have answered like 2 asks ever so I do not know the secret ask etiquette. apologies for any violations they were inadvertent

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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this is so unrelated but your art makes me insane and now i need to write a yk2 minedai hookup

anon please write the yk2 minedai hookup and then drop it into my mouth like a mother bird feeding her child before she thrws him out of the nest and hopes he flies otherwise watch him splat and die on the forest floor

#snap chats #no pressure tho but i would LOVE to read #id been looping my train fic in my brain for months i would like to be a victorian boy with his empty plate of food all More Please Sir #speaking of tho i just ate all my ice cream :( aw :( it was mint cookies and cream if you were wondering :)#y2k minedai can be something so good....#mine dont know this daigo- he doesnt know what a heart of gold he has #he just sees some hedonistic drunkard stumbling around and getting into fights #and just chalks him up to some regular jackass trying to be tougher than he is #and then on the inverse daigo hates how mine seems to always look down his nose at people (even if he doesnt mean to)#he cant lie he doesnt appreciate his honesty tho.. even if it means calling daigo a helpless nobody #like do we see the vision everyone. can we see into my dome really quick

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coratorium · 1 year

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steam reviews are so funny bc they're all like

NOT RECOMMENDED I already owned all of the different DLCs in this bundle, but I bought the bundle anyway, just in case something would happen. Nothing happened because the developers are evil greedy scumbags. DO NOT BUY THIS BUNDLE. 857 people thought this was helpful 30 people thought this was funny

#nobody on steam can read ESPECIALLY the people who write shit. they can read even less than everyone else #even lower than the dipshit steam reviewer? people who comment repeatedly on every single official news post about a game #whining about something that has nothing to do with the news and picking arguments with people for a week straight #truly the most miserable type of human being. please reconsider

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thedreadvampy · 2 years

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my god people who send Neil Gaiman asks don't half talk some fucking shite

#'what's the Real Canon?' shut up #'mr Gaiman mr Gaiman please clear up the ambiguity in your highly metaphorical story what is the Single True Meaning?' shhhhh #the latest one to pop my melons is 'excuse me sir i think you're a good writer but i don't like horror. why would you write horror?'#they appear to be legitimately confused that horror can include elements that are transcendental and spiritually powerful #AS IF THAT'S NOT WHAT DEFINES A LOT OF GOOD HORROR #like oh my god. not everything has to be tailored to your personal fucking taste #for real I'm generally not a Nobody Has Any Media Literacy These Days kinda guy #but reading asks on Neil Gaiman's page may change my mind #do any of you understand. The concept. of art?#art is allowed to be discomforting ambiguous and not to everyone's taste #in fact i would argue that in most cases NOT being that is a failure of artistic vision #bc like. if you can explain everything if you can explain its meaning if you leave no room for interpretation #then what's the art FOR you could just SAY those things #if you aren't discomforted by it then you're limited in your ability to find catharsis in it #if it's prepared. to express something meaningful personal or philosophical then there WILL be people who will not vibe with it #and that's ok! but it's also what art is MEANT TO DO #red said

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reliablejoukido · 1 year

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after writing 24k words in 7 days this past month, I think I need a serious break. I hope to spend time in December doing some research and prep work so I can finally write the Takeru chapter of "Somewhere Only We Know" when Camp Digimonth starts up in January. I feel bad that it's been 6 months since I've updated that story, and that I've been focusing on so many other projects. I've really enjoyed writing those other stories though, don't get me wrong.

Of course I say I need a break and then I have this IDEA that won't leave me alone

#hiding this in the tags but like....#suddenly I ship Daisuke and Michael so there's THAT I have to deal with #I want to write a fic but like omfg nobody is going to read that #also again it's taking away from writing my main fic #but like..... hear me out...... new york city and Daisuke is like 25 #and single #michael wants to be an actor like his dad and decides to do some off-off-broadway shows #Daisuke has a ramen food truck and decides to park it in the theater district #they are...both bi....#after a show one day.. michael sees Daisuke at his truck and they catch up and michael returns frequently with his cast member friends #and like everyone ships them #Daisuke goes to Michael's show and is blown away and kind of star struck in the way he used to be when he saw michael's dad in films #Michael asks Daisuke up to his nyc high rise for a drink and they talk about Michael's goals and dreams #idk and Daisuke talks about being single #they drink wine and dance and like kiss idk idk #y'all don't enable this I'm dying here #please don't @ me about Michael having a crush on Mimi at age 13 or whatever #i headcanon him as bi okay? okay.#also Daisuke is a bicon #we all know that

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inkskinned · 9 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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ms-demeanor · 8 months

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any thoughts on the new post that staff went scorched earth on which is now making the rounds abt tumblr live? it basically screenshots all the tos and claims if you've ever opened the app (or in some rbs, unsnoozed live) tumblr has gotten your data. on the one hand i feel like this is fearmongering, but on the other its true that MOST sites have your data as is so its pretty standard. you seem pretty knowledgeable abt data gathering so i was wondering abt your take

This is going to be pretty unkind but watching tumblr users interact with staff and live is a great primer on how conspiracy theories happen.

Nobody on this fucking website knows how to read a ToS, nobody on this website knows how anything fucking works (sorry, this is not a dig at you but how would tumblr "get" your data from you clicking or unclicking live; the only data that tumblr has on you is the data that you have put on tumblr what data do people think that clicking the "new" button is scooping up that is anything beyond interactions or posts or IP addresses which are the things that tumblr already has information about like you do not introduce new information into the tumblr ecosystem by clicking a button you haven't installed anything you haven't changed permissions on your browser if everyone is so goddamned scared about live stealing their data i strongly recommend they stop using anything but public internet through an anonymizer and making sure location data is shut off on all of their devices and anyone who is flipping their shit about the type of data that live is collecting but who is using chrome on any device needs to chill the fuck out about live and flip the fuck out about google)

this is like that post about twitter's content policy that circulated the other day or that post about deviantart's content policy that circulated ten fucking years ago nobody knows how to read legal documents and nobody knows how to read technical documentation and this comes together into unholy matrimony on the no reading comprehension at all moral panic website

live never violated the GDPR it was just rolled out in the US first but the entire userbase decided that because it hadn't been rolled out simultaneously in the EU and the US that it was SO UNSPEAKABLY PRIVACY VIOLATEY THAT THE EU HAD BANNED IT FOR ITS CRIMES with, like, nothing whatsoever backing that up because, again, even at its most intrusive Live collects about as much data as Twitter or Yelp, both of which are *capable* of meeting GDPR standards with that level of data collection (even if musk sometimes makes decisions that violate GDPR).

Live is significantly less intrusive than any facebook product, than Amazon, and than any Google product. If you use youtube logged in, don't worry about live, the horse is out of the barn and tumblr is the least of your worries *regardless* of live. If you regularly use Google as a search engine please god learn how to evaluate and compare risks across platforms because Live is like a coughing baby compared to about a dozen things that most highly online people interact with every single day.

If you don't want to use live don't use live. Clicking the button doesn't magically transfer your secret FBI file to tumblr and even agreeing to the ToS doesn't share anything that tumblr doesn't already have if you don't continue to interact - if you don't interact with live after agreeing to the ToS it's not collecting any data except your non-interaction.

For everyone who is losing it over Live just turn off your goddamned location on your fucking cellphone and turn off your location on your goddamned computers and that's it, you're good, you're fine, relax. If your response to "turn off your location" is "but I need it for _____" then don't worry about Live, whatever "_____" is was already collecting and selling your data.

Do you use an activity tracker? Congrats, you have much, much bigger privacy issues to worry about than tumblr live.

Okay but also I yelled about that post and the very many ways in which it was incorrect in January.

And I happened to take an archive of the page at that time because I'm a paranoid motherfucker.

And if you want my guess as to why staff went "scorched earth" on that post it's probably because if you scroll down to the bottom of the page on the archive, OP calls on everyone looking at the post to send a kind fuck you to the CEO then tagged his tumblr.

If you look at the other posts that went scorched earth in relation to tumblr staff they were also posts that very pointedly directed a lot of ire at a single staff member.

I don't think that any individual tumblr staff members are above criticism and I don't think that staff as a whole is above criticism but part of learning to read a ToS is understanding that someone can be shitty and vague and use TERF talking points and skirt the line and be technically okay under the ToS while someone can have a legitimate gripe about another user being horrible and manage to violate the ToS by accidentally spinning up a harassment campaign or suicide baiting someone.

Shitty people like nazis and terfs thrive on being edge cases. They are very good at finding a boundary and standing juuuuuuuuust on this side of it and going "la la la I'm not violating the ToS, you can't stop me!" and that blows and it leads to a lot of people encountering a lot of shitty stuff on a lot of websites but personally I'm pretty glad that there's a lot of gray area because when you cut out gray area that's when you see things like It's Going Down getting banned as extremist content alongside white supremacists. Please continue to report nazis and terfs, and when possible go deep into their pages to report because a pattern of behavior is more likely to get recognized as hate speech than a single post that gets reported a hundred times. Please block as many people who it's harmful for you to interact with as possible because it's clear that staff is not going to do the kind of work protecting users that users would like staff to do.

However I just can't get angry on behalf of a blogger who got nuked for saying "Hey everyone who hates this feature that we all hate please go tell the CEO to fuck himself at this URL specifically" - that is an extremely clear violation of the ToS because it is absolutely targeted harassment.

So now tumblr-the-userbase is going off on its merry conspiracy way skipping through fields and lacking reading comprehension and saying "users are getting banned for reporting the crimes of tumblr live and its gdpr violations" and ignoring the fact that the post was nuked because the last line was saying "hey everyone, let's all individually tell the CEO to fuck off in messages sent directly to him that are certainly not going to include any threats, exaggerations, gore, etc. etc. etc."

If I were to make a post that had 50k notes and the last line was "and while you're at it, please send tumblr-user-ms-demeanor a personalized message telling them why they're a terrible person so they know what we think of them" it would absolutely be reasonable to say that was harassing that user. And that post did it with the CEO. Who is not above criticism (and I have my criticisms! I don't think he really gets tumblr and that's a problem!), but jesus fucking christ don't tag the goddamned CEO or any other staff member in a call to action asking users to send them messages saying "fuck off" this is literally the stupidest thing I've ever seen a tumblr conspiracy theory coalesce around.

Anyway thank you for giving me a place to vent i've been getting more and more pissed about this for three days. Everyone feel free to kindly tell tumblr user ms demeanor to fuck off.

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birdantlers · 8 months

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A heartfelt and grievously expanded-upon update to this—please, please read the whole thing if you can. reblogs much appreciated.

(DISCLAIMER, for all who are saying reasons like abusive parents/legal stuff/toxic ex/triggering memories/page got deleted/job/stalkers/bullying/[[insert any other shitty life thing]], This is not concerning that—personal safety & health ALWAYS comes first, and is worth more than any media ever could be. This is my biggest reason for defending that autonomy. I would be a hypocrite to say I hadn’t deleted triggering posts of mine or ones that got me in trouble with my family.)

it genuinely makes me sad and kinda upset when someone purges all their old art off the internet like. barring harmful content what if someone liked that. What if someone would have. And now nobody will ever know and it's just gone. even people's old invader zim askblogs or whatever getting deleted feels like a micro alexandria to me and that's just something I made up. I wasn't even thinking of a specific one it just stresses me out. Is this the autism I don't get why nobody else seems to freak internally abt it like I do. I see artists whose blogs I've never even looked at go like "man so glad I deleted all my old stuff it's so clean" or saying they throw out art from when they were kids I'm like. how are you not hurling. How is that not distressing that is literally your tree rings why would you do that. I want to see what's out there. people want to see it I promise someone out there likes it

...don't they??? Does everyone get quietly irrationally upset by this as me, or is this just hyperfixation/autism/some amalgam of the two. I'm not a hoarder or obsessive compulsive or anything like that so i wonder..

Anyways. reblog if you had a favorite amateur youtube animator in your childhood whose channel got nuked without a trace one day that you still think about.

I wanted to attach this video because it condenses my point very well. A TLDR of sorts. Please watch the whole thing, it genuinely changed the entire way I think about art as a concept.

(2nd vid is "Subjectivity in Art")

“The moment your art touches an audience, the ownership shifts in an irreversible way. [They're] not having an art experience with you and your intentions. They're having an art experience with the art object.

“You can't just burn your past; it's not even your past to burn anymore. It's other people's history as well. Whether or not you like it, that art is already bonded to somebody's soul, and if you rip the art away, you're ripping a bit of the soul that has adhesive contact to it.”

The digital age makes it very easy to distance or detach yourself from the impact your work has—be it art, fanfic, videos, even memes. Online content is as important to people now as any other media, if not more. But it's also by far the easiest, fastest, and most effective form of it to erase from public access. Media so unbelievably important to people and in general. Yes, you—with the 2010s purple sparkle dog speedpaint. I still think about that speedpaint all the time, because it was the first time i learned that you could draw on a computer, and I thought it was cool as hell. I still do.

I do wish there was a stronger culture of preservation and consideration for this, because every time I see people talk about snuffing their stuff because it doesn't personally resonate with them anymore, I just think ...what about all the people it did?

I've seen lots of people saying "get over it, it doesn't even matter," but it fucking does. It does matter. Even if I didn’t make it, even if I don’t have to deal with being the one who made it, even if I'm naturally inclined to be distressed by it—It still matters. And there’s nothing you could ever say to suddenly make it not matter, because there’s nothing you could ever say to make it not matter to me.

Don't devalue the act of creation. Don't dismiss something you made. It's out there, in people's thoughts and hearts and souls, and that is real. Even if you don't know it. Especially if you don't know it. Especially in a world where physical media is being snuffed out, the internet is constantly dying without any physical remains to recover, social isolation is rampant, and simply because independently produced content online is still media.

Fanfiction can hold equal or greater significance to someone as a book, but you can’t unpublish a book. Authors don’t have a button that can vaporize every copy of their work across all time, but fanfiction authors do. I’m not counting people who download fics either—when you buy a book, that transaction is over. But online, you have the power of unending transaction that can be terminated instantly at your will. The process of publishing fanfic vs. publishing a book may be different, but people’s connection to the art is the same intensity.

So yeah. I do get depressed about the Internet being a constant Alexandria, but the times I get the most depressed is when I click someone's page and see that all their work is gone because they're ‘curating a new aesthetic’ for their page or some shit. Or weeding out all the "ugly" art. Or just went on whatever the hell 'thrill deleting' is, because they just get a kick out of it.

Fuck it—yeah! It upsets me! I’m not wrong to say that. I’m saying it!

Under the cut, because it got long as shit! Also don’t worry the ending is way sappier and more ‘beauty of human nature’ vibe so it’s not all doom and gloom lol

What if that was someone's favorite art of that character. What if someone read that 'cringe oneshot' on the worst day of their life. What if that Warriors meme vid is still burned into a college student’s mind despite being gone for 10 years. What if it's actually not just you and the ones and zeros you rent out to the world—secure in knowing the original will always be on your computer for you to do whatever you want with it.

I really, deeply wish there was more of a general awareness of this, because even though social media can be used like a diary, that’s functionally the opposite of what it is. It’s social media. When you post, it’s no longer in a vacuum, even though you can’t see the real humans that content touches—often deeply.

Media is history. You shouldn’t burn that history just because you personally believe it isn’t worth saving.

Because it’s no longer just your personal opinion. It’s no longer just your personal work. it’s. history. Memory of media is not a suitable replacement for the media itself. If it was, we wouldn’t save anything at all. Nostalgia is an agent of that. The definition of nostalgia is grief for moments of the past that are inaccessible, and the biggest balm for that pain is accessing a physical reminder of those moments. That opinion of yours is no longer personal. It’s weighed against uncountable people across all time that your thing is ALSO personal to. People who would, and will mourn its absence.

How many times have you joined an older fandom only to discover that some of its most popular works are gone? How many times have you routed through random blogs looking for scraps people hopefully reblogged? how many times have you used Wayback machine desperately praying that a fan fiction or a YouTube video will be there? How many times do you look up crunchy old vines or YouTube videos or anime AMV‘s? How many times do you remember old fanfic.net sex that impacted you in middle school, only to shake your head and go ‘probably no point even looking.’

i mourn the absence. No, people can’t and shouldn’t have their agency over what they post revoked, but they should be conscious of that weight. If you’re reading this and getting extremely annoyed, and you’re not in the pink text above,,,, good.

I honestly do hope it gets under your skin. I hope it sits with you. I hope you feel it every time you hit that button, and whether or not you do hit that button—if you hesitate, if you remember this, even spitefully, I’ve done my job. I am howling into the void. And I may not want an answer, but I do want my anguish to be heard and remembered. Because it isn’t me just being melodramatic.

I know I sound that way writing so much, but if my favorite writing YouTuber can drop trow this week and go, "yeah, sorry, all my video essays from less than a year ago that you listen to in the car all the time? I'm "rebranding" my content so i deleted them. besides, my personal views don't really agree align with the analyses i did, or the techniques i taught in them anyway. Sorry if some of the literal tens of thousands of you used them, but I don't want to feel shackled to having youtuber "classics" tied to me”

….then i guess I'm just going to have to sound dramatic! That fucking sucks! Hours of work and knowledge gone! This was a new channel too. It’s very likely there’s no archive of any kind, because who would think someone who worked hard enough to write, record, and edit hour-long videos, would just turn around and nuke it all? I definitely didn’t see it coming, but I did just start a new screenwriting class a few weeks ago, so I’ll tell you at least one person is REALLY missing those fucking videos right now. Because a lot of them were about specifically screenwriting, which I know jack shit about. and that specific person’s pace, editing, and style of breaking down information was the best suited style I found that I could focus on and absorb. There’s no replacement for that. No alternative for his individual perspective. his jokes. his opinions.

No, they may not resonate with him now, but in this decision, he’s put up a big middle finger to everyone who might have. And he has like 100k subscribers! Those are confirmed supporters! Imagine how many silent and untethered observers are feeling this loss right now. Imagine how many will not have it in the future.

If he never posted them at all, we wouldn’t know we had it. It wouldn’t be a loss. But we did. We did have it. Until he decided that no, we didn’t, because he just happens to be the one out of millions of individuals holding the button to burn it in a hundredth of a second.

His personal work, the attachment I had to it, and the ways that it helped me are now just ripped away. I am one person out of millions, literal MILLIONS of people who saw and liked this content before it vanished. The soul has been ripped, the access severed, and by CJ’s (and my) definition, the art is functionally dead. Not for the YouTuber or anyone else lucky enough to save a link or download, but everyone else. From this point until the end of time, even if people even two weeks from now don’t know it. Even if someone who stumbles upon his channel today, doesn’t know it.

We only mourn the concept of Alexandria because we had some kind of scope for what was inside. Yes, maybe you got self-conscious and deleted your 12 year old deviant art account. Do you know who else is doing that?? THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of other twenty somethings who ALSO feel self-conscious about their old socials. Art. Fanfic. One direction fan videos. anything.

Suddenly, an unquantifiable amount of information from your age group—an entire age group in 2012, is. gone. And we will NEVER know what’s been erased from that history. We will NEVER know what could have been significant to us ten years from now. Twenty years from now. A hundred years. A thousand.

You could have deleted a fanfic that would have been someone else’s new go-to panic attack distraction tomorrow. You could have deleted a video someone used to laugh at with their friend who died yesterday. When you delete something, you risk tearing a hole in unknowable personal histories.

The Internet isn’t just a big library of Alexandria. It’s a library containing libraries. And those libraries have their own libraries in those libraries have their own as well. libraries inside libraries, inside libraries, ad infinitum. To conceive the amount of destroyed history on the Internet is crushing.

And I just can’t help but I ask myself how in gods name people can choose to contribute to that, instead of reposting everything to trash heap alts titled “hall of shame” or some shit.

You can offload to alts. Put up disclaimers. Make password locked blogs, or dropboxes, or anonymous imgur dumps. Anonymous reuploads. Orphan fics. Make a playlist or linktree of unlisted videos. Cut off the watermarks. Delete all references to it on your main. Make a dedicated unlisted playlist. make a google drive. Make new portfolio sites. Delete any questions you get about it. Change pen names. Pretend it never existed.

Give a heads up.

Something.

But don’t. kill. the media.

The knowledge that our stuff is going to forever be tied to us is a cross we have to bear, but the responsibility that comes with putting it out there in the first place, can’t be ignored.

Anyway. I'm not trying to start conflict. This is not a bash on anyone, nor a call for witch hunts. Or anon hate, or blocks and unfollows or anything of that nature. I'm not wishing ramifications or hate of any kind on anyone who does wants to do any of this.

I'm also not guilt tripping— I am not saying that you should feel bad. I AM saying why it makes me feel bad. That’s not guilting, it’s a dialogue. One I personally feel is long overdue.

It's me yelling into the void: please consider the real people on the other side of the screen before you hit that button. Realize and know that whatever you're about to erase from history could be the most important thing in the world to someone.

Art is an experience. It's why we revisit it. If art and history simply lived in the matter and code of media, we would only need to look at it once. We wouldn’t put things in museums. We wouldn’t build libraries. We wouldn’t look up vine compilations.

If you're able, consider (and I do mean consider, this is not a call to action) not destroying that. And don’t shrug it off as some pretentious asshole venting on Tumblr. You only need to look in the notes and tags to see that it isn’t just me. it’s never just me, or you, or the pixels.

And even if you do shrug it off, then at least recognize that what you make matters. Whatever you think about it, if it’s out there, that's not your discretion anymore. If a tree falls in the woods and even one person is around to see it, it fucking mattered. Because it happened. Don’t mulch your tree rings if you don’t have to. Because if enough people do it, a whole forest is gone. Media is history, no matter whether you think it’s worth putting in a museum, or only has 30 notes.

Thousands of years ago, a child named onfim doodled on his homework. They’re crude, and everyone has the wrong amount of fingers, and they’re also priceless archaeological artifacts recognizable throughout the world.

the only thing separating Onfim’s doodles and your MS paint Pokémon doodles is time. The only thing separating your old MS paint Pokémon doodles from being a priceless artifacts, thousands of years in the future is time. Your creations are already priceless artifacts. No matter what you do, don't ever, ever deny that. It isn’t blowing up your own ass, it’s artistic and anthropological fact.

The mundane and the supposedly unworthy are often the first things lost to time, and that’s why they’re so precious. That’s why artists who were before their time are scorned first only to be celebrated later. Do you think they knew that was going to happen?? What if they nuked it? Many probably did! But now that’s happening exponentially and instantaneously everywhere, WITHOUT the artist having to destroy their only copy—which makes it way easier and more dismissable.

Sometimes, If you’re revolutionary enough, people will make an effort to preserve your work, but recognized and thoroughly recorded work is rare compared to unrecognized and thoroughly recorded work.

Sometimes something is beloved enough that it would be impossible for it not to go down in history, but even then it isnt a guarantee, and it’s rare. But if van Gogh burned all of his paintings in a fit of despair before his death, we would have no van Gogh. Because he wasn’t respected as an artist in his time, but that wasn’t what defined the worth of his art. The people after him did, because his art was still there for them.

If you rip the art away, you're ripping a bit of the soul that has adhesive contact to it. If you belittle your art, you belittle the very real relationships and emotions and revisitations people have with the media. You defy the inherent worth and weight of a creation. you created. That's effort. It's passion. No matter how flippant or unskilled or worthless you think it is, it matters. Because at the end of the day, you could have chosen to make nothing at all, and you didn't.

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Muting notifs

#artists on tumblr #Artistic #digital art #art history #anthropology #humanity #art discussion #art theory #skit yells

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