#Crazy Food Lady Channel

[crazy-food-lady]

How to Make Rainbow Swirl Frosting

If you're an amateur cake decorator (or mom baker as I call myself) and you'd love to be able to produce multi-color swirls of frosting, this is a quick and easy way to get that end result.  You can use two or more colors.  I used a six color rainbow in this video to make a Pride-themed birthday gayke for a friend turning seventeen.

Directions

SUPPLIES NEEDED

White frosting suitable for piping (I used quick buttercream)

Food coloring (gel or liquid)

Waxed paper or freezer paper*

String and tape

A large piping bag with the tip of your choice

Something to frost (cake, cupcakes, etc.) 

* Parchment paper will do in a pinch (I used it in the video below) but it is not ideal.

 INSTRUCTIONS

Divide and color your frosting. This could be as simple as white and one other color.

Lay out a sheet of the paper you're using, waxed or plastic lined side up.

Dollop your frosting in rows along the long side of the paper.  Some people will pipe this, but that takes extra time and results in extra mess, so I don't bother. It doesn't have to look pretty at this point, and the end result isn't any different.  If you are only using two colors, you can split the individual colors into multiple lines (eg: two blue and two white), to get more of a swirl effect rather than a half and half effect. 

Fold the long side excess under on one side, getting as close as possible to the frosting. 

Roll the folded edge toward the other side, forming a tube. 

Wrap the excess around the tube, trimming excess if there's a significant amount. 

If using waxed or freezer paper, use some tape along the seam to reduce leaks (tape will NOT stick to parchment). 

Twist the back end of the tube to close it off, then secure with string or baker's twine. If you only have parchment paper available, wind the twine around the tube to help keep it closed during use.  Don't make it too tight.

Clip excess paper off the open end, and slip the tube, open-end down, into your large pastry bag. 

If you're working in a hot kitchen (like I was in this video) the frosting may have softened too much to hold its shape at this point. Just chill it in the freezer or refrigerator while you get everything else set up.  Don't let it get too firm to pipe. 

Frost in swirls, twists, or dollops.

Video

I’ve also got a previous text and photo post to walk you through this if you prefer.

#Crazy Food Lady Channel #Design #Frosting #Technique #Rainbow Swirl #directions #video

[iantimony]

a day late because yesterday i was tooooo busy! some spoilers in here for dungeon meshi and saltburn!

listening: mostly background stuff. i still haven't played more nier: automata but the boyf got me listening to the soundtrack and it whips.

reading: more tgcf at night to soothe my frenzied brain to sleep. i finished dungeon meshi yesterday!! i did cry!!! it was so, so good, i loved it. i really liked that there was no set antagonist, per se, at least not until the very end with the fight against the winged lion, it was all just a bunch of characters with different but justifiable goals that had their aims all butting up against each other. very cool. i love kabru what a little shit

a collection of some good screenshots:

watching: many things this week. my partner is visiting for the week and we like to have videos on while we're cooking n eating so we watched...essentially the entirety of weird history food channel, started with the trader joes one and spiraled from there.

we also watched the currently-released episodes of dungeon meshi. very charming. i cannot wait to see how they animate certain scenes.

on sunday night we did a friend dinner, so me and my boyfriend, roommate and hers, and one other friend; after dinner we movie night-ed it and watched saltburn and blazing saddles:

saltburn was insane! apparently there is shock and alarm at the sex scenes, which i am not very online about it so i have no idea what people are actually saying but imo it was not that crazy. there is a solo, uh, let's call it Moment towards the end of the film that is pretty out there, but besides that the sex scenes are the least of anyone's worries in this movie. it took me WAY too long to realize that the main character was the antagonist, i'm normally pretty savvy to those kinds of twists so that took me off guard. my roommate had seen it once (or even twice?? i think?? i have no wish to watch that movie again, good for her though) and i didn't start clocking it until immediately before felix tricked oliver into going home. as they were in the car i was like "there's no fucking way that he lied about his family to felix. right. right??" oops. some good cool symbolism in there, i had a bit of an xkcd "of course everyone knows this myth" moment when my roommate was like "huh i wonder if there's a symbolic reason for the bull-man statue in the maze at the end, or felix's angel wing costume" and i was like surprise pikachu. the minotaur, the labyrinth, icarus, hello? wdym you don't know the story of the minotaur??? much to think about with this movie. i searched it on tumblr and feel like a lot of people missed the point in favor of blorbo romance but like, fair, it is the blorbo romance website. 8.5/10.

blazing saddles was our palette cleanser after that doozy of a film. my friend said at the end "anyone who thinks this movie is racist needs better media literacy" and i'm inclined to agree. yes the n word is in there - but the people saying it are so unambiguously depicted as insanely stupid and wrong, and the leading man is a charismatic handsome black man, and tbh the smartest person in the movie? arguably more homophobic (the end scenes) than racist but even then the way 'f*ggot' is deployed hit me like modern tumblr humor.

idk. even though it's a comedy it is Very clear to me that a message from this movie is "Racism Bad". i thought it was fun, didn't find the blonde lady's musical number very good or funny, got a few chuckles out of it overall. classic mel brooks. 7/10.

playing: wizord101.

making: started experimenting with english paper piecing! i forgot to take a picture yesterday so ill try to remember and add that later today. or maybe for next week's post. also started a pair of fingerless gloves for my mom

eating: my boy made us all a budae-jjigae type object on sunday and it was so so so yummy - photo from before simmering for like 30 minutes, with pork belly, spam, tofu, and a bunch of mushrooms, grunions, and kimchi:

before my roommate came back from a conference we did this cabbage and thin-sliced hotpot beef thing that was. so fucking good. we had it two separate nights in a row. just layering meat and napa cabbage and then cutting into ~2in strips, laying them in a pot, filling the center with mushrooms; make a broth of soy sauce/dashi/misc soup stock powder from leftover ramen, pour it over, simmer til cooked baby. delicious. this image is a little steamy bc i tried to take it right after opening the pot, lol

misc: wough. struggling to get back into the routine a little. i need to make more spreadsheets for my agonies (apartment hunting and determining what internships/programs to apply to for this summer). and i need to start using my planner again because i keep forgetting to do shit.

#tuesdayposting #Youtube

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Over the Hedge

Yeah so I think I just entered Dreamworks' first Exceptionally Mid Era, because by god this movie just... well it simply just is.

So Over the Hedge. I've never seen it before and yeah... I feel like my life would have been completely unchanged if I'd never seen it. It strangely almost doesn't feel like a Dreamworks movie, it feels like something made by a c-tier studio that makes ripoff versions of Disney movies. Idk man, it's just... the vibes in this are so weird.

So the story. We follow RJ, an opportunist raccon indebted to a bear who has to collect a mountain of human food or be killed by said bear. To do this, he tricks a family of various other small animals, led by the cautious turtle Verne into going... well, over the hedge into the newly built nearby suburbs to steal as much human food as possible. Pretty simple plot, littered with enough cliches to kill literally any one of these creatures, really.

I think one of the problems this movie suffers from is its main cast is... simply too big? Like yeah, we focus mostly on RJ and Verne, but then there's the rest of the animals tagging along. Most of them are agressively unimportant and I wouldn't be able to tell you any of their names from memory because they're all just that forgettable (aside from Hammy, the crack-addicted squirrel, I guess). As for the humans, our antagonists are some crazy Karen lady who is trying so hard to channel Mrs. Tweedy (bitch wishes she had that level of Unhinged) and Dwayne, the exterminator, who is probably a Redditor tbh.

The animation is agressively bland, and honestly falls short of even the past several Dreamworks movies. There's just... not a lot of style to it? And what little style that's there is just so saturated and uninteresting to look at. The music is just as forgettable, a few whatever pop songs against an average score. I honestly kinda zoned out a few times while watching this because... idk it just didn't do a very good job at keeping my interest.

I feel like, tone-wise, this was the first Dreamworks movie very much made with young kids in mind. Coincadentally, I think it's also the first Dreamworks movie to not feature any swears or adult jokes? (aside from Prince of Egypt? I suppose, but that's a different case entirely). It's very focused on its slapstick, its "family is everything" messaging, its cutesy, silly animal antics, and so on and so forth, coming together to make what's, in my opinion, a pretty boring package overall.

So yeah. Over the Hedge. It certainly... exists. It's not insanely terrible or anything, but I think its definately one of the most... forgettable things Dreamworks has put out so far. Kinda understandable why this one never caught traction or became one of their reoccuring series. It's just sorta lame (shrugs).

Overall Rating: 4/10

Verdict: Call pest ontrol on these uggo animals

Previous Review (Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit)

Next Review (Flushed Away)

#jen watches #dreamworks watch #jen tortures herself with every dreamworks animated movie #over the hedge #dreamworks

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

What did you do in Europe?

Uh oh you opened up the floodgates friend. See, I suffer from "post europe syndrome," wherein I will talk about it every chance I get. I'm sure my European followers are scratching their heads right now in confusion that the crazy lady is so happy she got to go over, but as a kid who religiously watched Passport to Europe with Samantha Brown on the travel channel it was a dream come true. It was the most transformative experience of my life, for more reasons than the obvious that I got to live my dream.

In short, everything I wanted to and much, much more.

I do want to preface it by saying I went with a travel group because it was my first time traveling alone and I wanted the safety net of a group/tour director to haul us from one place to the next. It's also a great way to meet people because a lot of people actually go alone. I feel comfortable going by myself now, but at that time I was lured by the safety net of a group, and it also admittedly kept my parent's mind at ease.

I did their big European tour and I was away for over a month. In Barcelona I saw a flamenco show, went to the local market, and wandered through Park Guell. From day one I wanted to party hard because to be frank I was a goody two shoes in college and was obsessed with being "the good daughter," who didn't party and get involved in anything questionable so I knew I wanted to explore and party overseas. Yep, did just that in Barcelona, a city whose night life goes hard. It was magical. Cramped, sweaty, but something I'll never forget. I did everything I could dream of in Paris, my second time there--the opera house, the louvre, getting rained on in Montmartre. The Moulin Rouge. Having my own solo day by going to the Orsay and the Richelieu library. Walking the city by myself. London: everything I wanted and more. Saw three shows, including my favorite, Phantom of the Opera. Met the phantom. Went to the Globe, saw Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh's first house, the whole journey feeling a bit illegal because I was in a rich residential neighborhood. Worth it. Rossetti Exhibit at the Tate--meeting one of my oldest moots Jen. Perfection.

Amsterdam, Went to the Anne Frank house. Got drunk on a river cruise. Laughing my butt off as me and a few friends wandered the city. French fries. Prague, I went to the opera, partied again at an eighties club and had one of the best nights of my life dancing with no fear or inhibitions. Munich, meeting another internet friend zuendwinkel... drinking beer and going to a local biergarten/festival. Switzerland: climbed a mountain, wandered through nature, did ziplining. Wine tasted in Venice. Saw Birth of Venus in Florence, and had a day at the Cinque Terre. Rome. Oh Rome. My first city international when I was sixteen. Meet some interesting Italian men in Trastevere. Went to an Irish bar and had another amazing night. topped it with a four AM trip to the Trevi Fountain.

And then in Greece, in Athens I fell in love with the city. The food, touching our ancientness in a way I had never felt before. Sitting at a rooftop bar and feeling like you can touch the Parthenon. Then sailing in Paros, jumping into the Mediterranean sea. Being looked at like I was a revelation, like I was more than myself. In meeting so many amazing people I not only got to enjoy their company but I also saw myself in a completely different way. Writing feels different now for so many reasons, because I am different. And lust, I have learned, isn't like fire. It's earthen. When I want I am ancient as Athens.

I love my story. I love who I met. Thank you for asking.

#replies #not naming the tour group publicly but if you are interested please DM me I can give you more info #the story of the TD is a whole story in itself but since I covered that saga I will spare you LOL

[needs-to-stop-looking-at-valves]

You've done Aizawa headcanons, now we need some Present Mic headcanons. Pls??

That's true, these idiots cannot and should not be seperated-

Present Mic gets along with everyone. For the most part. Like, he'll go to Karaoke with Ectoplasm, and they rock out, but. Well. Ectoplasm says lady gaga like 'lady guh-gah' and he insists that's how you say her name. Aizawa agrees with him just because it pisses off Mic, and All Might ACTUALLY says it the same way Ecto does. Help Present Mic, he's DYING, he's gonna KILL HIM.

Present Mic has only felt genuine resentment for Best Jeanist. Because at every single party they go to, Best Jeanist tries to outdo his look and steal his spotlight. Literally in EVERY other interaction, they get along beautifully. But when they want to dress and impress, they act like the most PETTY bitches. Constant shade thrown between them.

Present Mic likes neck accessories. He has a nice collection of scarves, necklaces, Aizawa's hands-

Present Mic finds himself beautiful, and he is, but he DOES find himself jealous of the more beefy heroes. Sure, he can throw a punch, but he's more of a long distance fighter, so he doesn't have the same muscles or scars as his brooding buddy. But hey, at least he can LOOK at the beefy babes all day.

Present Mic has a fondness for loud foods. Crackers, fried foods (especially chicken), and pop rocks. Aizawa hates it when they're on missions together, and suddenly he has to listen to Present Mic's mouth full of popping candy. And yes, Mic annoys him with it on purpose.

Present Mic does more of the domestic stuff around the house. The laundry (Aizawa just throws his shit in the wash without separating anything, drives Mic crazy), cleaning rooms, watering plants, etc. Honestly, the workload seems unfair, but Aizawa cooks and does groceries, so they're pretty happy with it. Oh and Aizawa kills the spiders, Mic sure as hell isn't doing that.

Present Mic reads to Eri, and he calls her 'his littlest listener'. She loves it when HE reads, he does all kinds of voices.

Present Mic has an ASMR channel on the side. It focuses a LOT on whispers and hand rubbing, but he also does cooking, and yes, I'm calling it, he's done spicy shit plenty of times. This man is hot and I need people to pay attention to it-

Present Mic knows multiple languages! I don't know the extent of it exactly, but he, in canon, knows Japanese and English, so more doesn't seem far fetched. Also, his parents are deaf, so chances are he knows how to do ASL too.

He. Absolutely. Loves his kids. And he's VERY open about it! Alongside Midnight, he's the most approachable teacher to come to for things, and WILL cut his lunch time to help students.

Teachers shouldn't have favorites. But he kinda does. Koda, Shoji, Jiro, and Uruaka. Little Uru is CUTE, Jiro and him actually have similar tastes in music, he's trying to get Koda to come out of his lil shell, and he just. Likes that Shoji is quick to catch onto lessons, and is able to help his classmates.

#not transformers #asks #mha #Hazashi Yamada #i love this man so fucking much #hes beautiful and talented and I need more of him #present mic

[star-firework]

wow, i watched a clip of paramore's song for twilight and it oddly threw me into nostalgia memory mode

i was in 7th grade and i remember hearing all the girls in my class talk about twilight and so i decided to pick up a book

but it was new moon and only once was i half way into it i realized "hey this might be the 2nd book...............and why i dont know whats happening" or i figured i could assume, idk

i still really liked it and so i picked up the first book

oh FUCK i was HOOKED, i would wake up at 4 am before school just to read!!!!!! I also had just discovered nico nico douga and so i would play the medley songs and read fjdsklfjsl

i mentioned i would wake up to read and teachers thought i was a smart kid finally but little did they know i was just reading twilight

then i would search fanart or anything i could to get visuals since the movie was only announced and no previews released

i found stephenie meyers blog and would read whatever i could, later on I remember she had the rough draft of the only just released edward book?? I remember reading it in 2007!!! so crazy!! its like food fight (2012)

once the trailer was released, i was a bit disappointed in how they looked, much diff than how i imagined, especially jacob!!!!! idk, i thought jacob in the first movie had such a distracting wig on so i didnt like his design LOL the later movies i was like hell YES

i was a jacob girl and my mom became a edward girl after the movies

i got the first round of twilight shirt merch with alice on it and a thin ass jacket with twilight on the back. alice's hair was becoming popular and i really wanted it too. I think I ended up getting her cut but obviously her hair is styled so my hair instead just looked like an avon lotion MLM sales lady...

The next few movies my mom was actually the one who would get us midnight screening tickets with her friend. i didnt even have to ask LOL! she was so into it, such a phenomenon

afterwards we would hit the kind-of-waffle-house and try to get sleep before school. For some reason couldnt miss it even tho we were out til 2 or 3 am lol

those years were such a rough, terrible, traumatic time in my life but the obsessions and internet roaming was some of the best times and memories.

i was also into gaia and would love walking around on the world, seeing cake-kun frozen on the waterfountain in the town square, and try to make friends and get a cool avi outfit

i remember someone named super? saia neko chan or something, i always thought of the shipping company, SAIA, and now I work w receiving from SAIA LOL, not a coincidence but a funny thought

iscribble.net was also around, i would DREAM, LITERALLY DREAM, of getting the full permission of all the tools once i drew enough or something like that. I was obsessed and would also wake up at 3-4 am just to draw. I wish wish WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had screen recorded the loading screen of my oldest draw room, "epic girls only"

we made an effort to never clear the board and let it have a history, an archive of our art. it would take foreeeeeeeeeevvvvverrrrrr but it was always so fun to watch our art over the years flash by and be erased and redrawn. there really wont be a time like that again i think, same with pretty much all the early internet era stuff like first era of youtube, tumblr, and twitter. they were just soooo different. tumblr wasnt callouty. youtube would let you edit the design of your channel like myspace and it was the best, the comments i would interact w were also different. I am now having kids today talk to my comments i made at their age on the same videos!??@?@?@ thats so crazy

a my melody opening video i commented on in 2007 or something is still up and so just a few months ago, young kids replied to the comment asking if i still am alive or old loooooooooooool so cool!!!!

interacting w the past and future in one

#blogpost #me thinking #twilight

[scentedchildnacho]

I did have a screaming episode more like the victim shoved down a well in the silence of the lambs...at Clarisse starling....its God bitch you will help me now

It will put the lotion on itself about Canadian dugas theory on nun a vut treaties...those ladies of course believed in austerity and pulling roots from the dry ground

Anyway help did arrive so my blood sugar is back up and im.not sleep deprived or dehydrated I do more pray to saint John and scottish new left theory for mercy

John galliano wants to give me the candy and coffee he wants things good to him instead

Uhm fruitive aspects have also been homogenized so I think my culture or genetic disposition does get very phrenetic if im not allowed work apologies from felons like caramel coloring in pepsi

If you go to this type of man he can help call your stuff just bad a bit and stop the Asian factory threats

I think the security was more communists at Taiwan culture here so

And that's all I have known China to be in the states and those contracts were given to Taiwan so stop stalking please

Falun dafa I have a preventative culture and that's communists are more then bad people that was terrorizing

I was white and treaties I guess have to be very controlling China has to help immigrants and I as white should go back to plateau not basin

Its a city mall in the states so claiming a nation is a counter culture has no relevance so that's my discrimination complaint

I may not go for crab I'm who really wanted to go to crabby fast food and I was told white chicks may not have crab and fries

I'm who did want panda I wanted panda

And that's I don't like women who stare at me on Mira Mesa Blvd. Because that area is schizophrenogenic their such nature health freaks they cause schizophrenia

Im baby k and those channeled chicks would not stop staring at me

She told me there is nothing she hates more then fish.....it's the fish and I can't go Eudora welty

Oh my God that security threatened my life so badly I wanted to kill myself

The immigrant security by Vons......said he was from Afghanistan but I think it's chezch people if it's Bosnia herzgovinia they steal out our stuff and try to put European depression cafes in

I'm a hungry to the Vons security a plath a Sylvia so

Americans did bomb Afghanistan so badly they became homeless colonies and homeless colonies may be terrorists so I think the security is maybe lying

Bosnia herzgovinia was largely Muslim so it's if their going to do that here then Moscow was bombed

Eventually a tattooed white man arrived at Dunkin donuts to keep eating in front of me who looked like a soft white underbelly confession who would help find porn off homeless camps so

So that security wanted to call me not a real woman and children of God camp rape me so I don't think I'm all that crazy for preparing to kill myself before enduring the rape planned

The boob queen won't stop trapping herself by a bathroom to help with feeding training to incoming immigrants so the boob queen has to finally tell the men no that's unsanitary

The Fish won't stop trying to cause deformism in poor Muslim areas so Moscow was bombed they are these blue eyed men with no genetic relevance to white people here and it is the blue eyes that has white genetic relevance

The Czech security by Vons that is a Putin ite it looks white and has no relation to us at all

Put....ins golf of no meaning or genetic relevance here

They called us a bugs hitlerite and wouldnt even serve us our Pepsi because a roach poison is in it

Because the blue eyed negro is not white and he thinks he is negro and he is a creepy Czech putinite

My aid asked me what I was doing so I said they sent us to a program in pacific beach....that appears to be heretical

The apostolic documentaries have proved some of this violence is a demonic possession

So they were claiming very violent felonies were people the homeless had to forcibly allow in our programs so I was verbally battered and injured by constant activity and poor sleeping all the time

All they did to me in pb was psychologically batter me I felt like anne frank

Peace is the most insipid man and he could at any time have said no active duty to the felons that just addict around and dissipate energy in violent nothing but peace told us to endure so

And that's I was called an arsonist when the city does have deconstruction work for me

They passify some of us so badly peace does and then try to make us explode at people when they could give us work attire and appropriate safety attire

The men in the pb program have viral odours worse then anything I have ever smelled so I think the compass toilet had body parts flushed down it not toilet paper

Its Dakota country paranoia there is so bad the little lambs the boys Jesuses little lambs were sacrificed in Dakota country

Ruth mas in boulder called me a paranoid I do not do anything violent because I found out as a woman I prefer not having children....I do like liberal history so I have not had to be violent....

If I had to birth I think I dont want pregnancy and have never wanted pregnancy because He would call me a beater the Czech security wants to sell Russians at much higher rates so I would get called a beater

Baltics killed Fred Hampton not whites....Fred Hampton was like elected and baltics couldn't sell Russian privilege under Fred

Anyway I told my aid about pb that those felons do need to be under seclusion orders they cannot be around people here they have reeky odours worse then anything I have ever endured and cannot socialize in any way anymore

They hate white people and so will not lobby for the guns to take care of people that offensive

Anyway I explained to my aid that la Jolla and pb have plans to deconstruct downtown areas and some social housing for a large park with some real estate which is to me a really good idea

White people are not french and it's a repulsive disgusting distressed Parisian nightmare there

Uhm because gainful employment is with energy companies deconstructing prior nuke projects

Its really not a good beach for tourism it's a very scary work port more like modern reads from Mississippi culture like gertrude stein

Anyway I probably do need to go to rehabilitation awhile and pb is not an area that wants population growth so I have to go probably to an institution awhile

And I've found out I am more union then confederate and I need larger populations to have sanitation in life

[incarnateirony]

No, nothing can be done about the "obsessive ex" who has finally drawn a line after three years of you harassing us. Three years. You are literally a stalker.

Let me put this in very tiny words for your psychotic ass: in your fakery, you "channeled" an ancient anime joke to make your special pretty princess roleplay, mark one on your "I can make up whatever belief I want from whatever thing I want", apparently your prime source is Mazoku Octopese from the anime Slayers as your fundamental belief system, but you're just now discovering that, because you made a hilarious story for you to eat more fat bitch food.

There's no imagining that away Shea, that is a full on delusion you branded to your life, then put your signature on without knowing who actually owned it. Your signature with your address, your life, everything. What does signing on someone else's name do in magic, Shea? or is that part of the things you do or don't believe on any given Tuesday? Or is it one of the things you just pretend not to understand?

You literally will be unable to stop harassing us until you let me and him go, which is why we're not letting you run away from it this time. Literally. There's nothing. Nothing at all. You could shoot me in the head tomorrow and it still wouldn't stop it, what's not clicking?

Tell me, would your gods care about you Believing in parts of them and disbelieving in them randomly? Oh let me guess, your gods only care about what you believe them to. The Octopuses in your head are the only true voice. Literally crazy bitch. Only the voice in your head channeling your ex's anime obsessions matter, books are for losers and wombs work great when ripped full of holes, nobody's wisdoms matter and you can plagiarize cannibalize and appropriate whatever the fuck you want in the most jackass retarded white girl way ever cuz oreos filled your white matter too much to even try to read a book.

Don't run from that truth. You are developing active psychosis, and that's why you're still in my every server, shitting around in my friend groups, and whatever else. Because RUMPOCKY IS LITERALLY ME. JUST LIKE HER STOLEN DESIGNS SHE ENVISIONS. You can't face that retarded truth so you'd rather cling to your goddamn octopus voice illusions and your perforated circles.

You can't actually "make it stop" or even move on if you're clinging to the illusion of us. Nothing will change that, and we will not stop until you actually let go. Whining for presentation on tumblr won't stop gods.

Your weird roleplay fetish has to end, Shea. It's over. We're gone. Let us go. Stop trying to groom other people into re-enacting us. You end up here. In Octopus Land. And honestly, it's just really rapey of you. Like. Goddamn. Get Mark to touch you more without either of you having to pretend to be somebody else, try that on.

like, literally get off our dicks. it's freaking weird, lady.

[ojodeneptuna]

goodbye Virgo season,

it’s been clarifying

•just Virgo things•

1) It’s interesting to think of Virgo through its essential existencial axis, Pisces; the wonder of reading exists for example, as a result of the forever-intertwined interaction between these two signs. Language itself and reading, understood as the mental translation of symbols to language, it’s a fascinating Mercurial manifestation. It is necessary to go through the diverse phases of learning how to work this translation out into our daily communication habits, before being able to truly connect with literature, which I believe works actively with imagination (ah yes, the Neptunian quality of it 👌🏼). It’s crazy to think (emotion coming from a Pisces ofc), how one of modern’s daily communicative obligations consists on the act of reading, but it’s only when we’ve truly dominated this when we can actually understand the channel it truly is, when it wakes up that little fantasy-moving motor in our heads which works between logics of the real world, and the one which can contradict it. The domination process, is very mucho the Virgo experience. Food for thought. Reading, from a literary point of view, quite literally makes us hallucinate new possible worlds and stories that would often wake this compassionate side of us, or this illusive (and yes delulu) side of us, which kinda’ makes the world go round. Where else would we escape to in order to get out of our daily routine? which usually responds to the Mercurial necessity of just basic reading.

2) Did you know KimK is ruled by her Virgo Jupiter which is exact ☌ her Midheaven at 28°? (this basically explains why she mainly got ridiculously famous bc of her family’s -especially her mom’s- dealings on a private experience of hers), and that she is a Virgo Venus’ ruled Libra? (on her 9th; an international beauty for sure). we can say a lot of things about her, and this astrologically fascinating yet controversial photoshoot, but we can’t say she hasn’t also worked her ass off for the reputation she now holds, the one of a very perfect looking lady.

3) Did you know Virgo rules chess?

4) also pets and small animals :)

5) THE virgo moodboard

6) MJ was a Virgo ofc, a truly fascinating one cause he was a also a Pisces moon and rising, meaning he worked actively through his whole life with this axis. he did have very interesting ideas about purity and a very mysterious and uncertain health condition 🤔

Diane and Wilt are sooo Virgo if you ask me.

7) Virgo rules critics. Michelle Visage is a Virgo sun a moon that’s no exception +she totally resembles Madonna and always looks perfect. It also rules boardgames that imply critical thinking such as chess, puzzles, dominoes, etc.

8) I will not elaborate on this one. It’s clear.

9) ♍︎ rules ants and humbling experiences; the ant meme is Virgo’s biggest, most satirically accurately funny manifestation of its energy if you ask me 🤭

10) Rory Gilmore’s such a Virgo 🤍

The sixth astrological house is related to Virgo since it is the house of health, fitness, systems, analysis, pets, work and organization habits, and of our sense of usefulness and service given.

The house of discipline.

Who would’ve thought the act of reading these mashed-up memes also required the Virgo-Pisces/Mercury-Neptune presence of it all explained in description no.1? Maybe just a Virgo.

[slyth3rinbab3]

My Top Favorite Cat Youtube Channels

Being a kitty lover and a first timer in being a cat mom, I’ve started looking up for some channels or videos on Youtube that create contents like how to take care or look after a cat or kitten, what foods you can give or cannot and the likes.

I’ll share at least a few of my favorite cat Youtube channels:

1. Kitten Lady – Aside from being a professional kitten rescuer, Hannah Shaw is also a best-selling author and humane educator who’s on a mission to change the world for the tiniest felines. Her project strives to create global change in the way we perceive and treat kittens.

She also founded Orphan Kitten Club which is a charitable organization that provides lifesaving programs including neonatal kitten nursery, a TNR program, and world’s first grant program that specifically funds innovation in kitten welfare.

Her project, the Kitten Lady, provides educational media, training resources and instructional workshops that help both individuals and animal shelters learn how to save kitten lives in a fun and engaging way.

Shaw’s literary works include Tiny But Mighty, Kitten Lady’s Big Book Of Little Kittens, Kitten Lady’s CATivity Book and Adventures of Fosterland.

Her YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/@KittenLady

Website: http://www.kittenlady.org/

2. Cole and Marmalade – Chris, the man behind the YT channel, is a self-confessed crazy cat guy who grew up with cats since he was a child. Chris worked as a media producer at Big Cat Rescue for 7 years in Tampa, FL where he closely worked with tigers, lions and other exotic cats.

Jess, on the other hand, is a devoted mom and servant to Cole, Marmalade, Jug and Zigzag. She’s also the primary writer/editor for the website and helps with the video ideas and pics. She’s also responsible for the kitty props in the videos including costumes and cat castles.

YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/@coleandmarmalade

3. Relax My Cat – This channel specializes in relaxing music and TV designed to help cats with variety of problems like separation anxiety, sleep problems, loneliness, boredom and depression. Its music and TV is produced to help as many cats as possible in reducing their anxiety and sleep issues.

They helped over 42 million cats worldwide with anxiety problems, sleep problems, depression and even loneliness.

YT channel : https://www.youtube.com/@relaxmycat

4. Kitten Academy – This YT channel combines education and fun and often does livestream instead of publishing a content and leave it up for a day or two for those to catch up with what they have missed out in the previous livestream. Kitten Academy also offers quality advice regarding training concerns and collection of videos featuring kittens.

These are a few I have in mind. What cat Youtube channels are your favorite (if you’re a kitty lover like me) ?

#YT channel #kittens

[crazy-food-lady]

Things Going Wrong in the Kitchen

Got a new immersion/stick blender with all the attachments at Christmas.  Finally decided to give the whisk a go for making crepes, because my other whisk/mixing gear was dirty.  It did not go to plan.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/deH3NGnCToc

Tumblr won’t let me embed this video, possibly because it’s a short, which is stupid, but there you go.  It’s 60 seconds of ridiculousness.

#Video #New tools #Immersion blender #stick blender #things going wrong #Crazy Food Lady Channel

[gems-x-gabby]

Social Media Break and Just Going For It

I have been super crazy busy lately - working a regular job and an internship for a bridal shop - and it has taken its toll on my mental health. I have tried to hustle in the past (spoiler alert: it didn't work then) so these past two months were another trial to see if I could make it. I did not. I've learned over time that my best bet for keeping my mental health in check is a balance of work, ample rest, and time to cook food at home and see loved ones. It's my "magic formula".

I ended up working so much that I got very sick with COVID-19 and boy did it suck! It was around the time I was starting to feel ill that I decided to uninstall Instagram and take a break from the socials. Honestly, it made work more boring, but I don't feel like I missed out at all. The first week was spent recuperating so it was almost better to not doom-scroll while stuck in bed. After seven days of sleeping and watching TV, I was able to do some deep cleaning and even some drawing.

Okay, enough of my old-lady life updates. :)

Here's what I did for sewing:

I saw the Simplicity 9325 pattern a couple months ago. It's been discontinued for year but I was able to buy a copy from a seller on Etsy. What drew me to the pattern was the unique square neckline and the fluttery sleeves. I am a sucker for a fun summer dress!

Cover of Simplicity Pattern 9325

I was worried that the pattern was a little too dated and would not compliment me. Based on a sketch I made, I decided to just trust my gut and find a matching a fabric.

My vision for this dress; a sketch detailing me in a version of Simplicity 9325 made in a black floral fabric

As you can see from the sketch I shortened the skirt. This would give the dress a more modern look. The fabric I choose to use was an estate sale find from this shop on Etsy: LaceInTime

Black floral fabric

I was not confident when I cut into the fabric! To comfort myself I referred to the process as a dive into "experimental fashion". By now you should be able to see that I am an overthinker and a worrywart. When the hems and last raw seams were stitched up, I was surprised and overjoyed at the results.

A mixed, black/white cisgender woman wearing a black floral version of Simplicity 9325

C'mon I look like a freakin' rockstar! I was definitely channeling some "ROCKSTAR 101" by Rihanna vibes.

Overall all, this project is a 10/10 for me. Trusting my gut worked and I will be doing that more!

#slowcontent #slowliving #bipocsewist #isewmyownclothes #blacksewist #blackwomenstitch #sewingblogger #sewingblog #simplicitypatterns #afroalt #afropunk #blackgirlrock #alt black women #alt black girl

[ireviewuread]

Who is IreviewUread?

Who is IreviewUread?

Just a girl, whose idea of makeup is lipstick and foundation & whose idea of skincare is pimple cream and moisturiser. At least that was the girl I was 6 years ago.

Now I’m the lady who test the boundaries of Beauty & creation of various DIY projects in the aspect of my own home - many of the times I would like to refer to as My Cave. Once in a while, this cave woman would venture out into the sun and turn into a vampire whose skin sparkles and glow. Those are the times where my lifestyle posts come in.

Most of the time you’ll see beauty reviews and beauty related posts for as mentioned, I’m a cave woman. I mean, who needs to go out if you have everything you need within the walls of your cave?

Aside from being extremely homely, allow me to describe myself a little further:

I like to write. Facebook is clearly no space for me to present my grandmother story, twitter has a very irritating 140 character limit and Instagram is a place for me to spam photos. Thus I look into a slightly modern and easy-to-use blogging platform: Tumblr

Aside from writing here, I also do freelance writing for other sites. Read more articles from yours sincerely:

TheBeauTraveler 1 | 2 | 3

Wake Up | Notion Press

UglyWriters

SultanGate.SG 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Contact me via email if you like me to Guest post/ do some Freelance Writing for your website.

I like philosophy. I find them very applicable to many people of different stages of life. Yes, having read too much of these things does make one sound and think alot more maturely then they are supposed to. So, whatever age you think I am, minus four from that.

I like to laugh at myself. Before you laugh at others, you have to learn to laugh at yourself. Laugh at your mistakes and learn from them.

I love music. Growing up joining music related CCAs and being obsessed with melodic shows, it’s only natural that I still have that side of me. With that, I’ve picked up a new instrument which totally ruin my left fingertips - Nail artists loathes what I’m doing to my hand - the Ukulele. Watch me perform on I Uku U Listen youtube series.

I might be a little Kooky.  While others say weird, I’ll say eccentric. Supporting statement? Head over to my crazy thoughts for that. You won’t be disappointed ;)

I love food. especially the sweet stuff. Yes, desserts entice my sweet tooth. So, my dear Instagram followers, be prepared to be bombarded by lots of food. *Yeah, Food!*

I like to DIY for every single piece is unique that way. As such, I’ve updated my Youtube Channel to add in some DIY videos for your pleasure. 

I’m obsessed with videos. Be it watching them, making them, I’m all about them. With this inquisitive nature of mine, join me on this journey where I record and edit a wide variety of videos on my youtube channel!

I’m sure there’s so much about me which you like to know but there’s only so much space and so much time. So let’s sum this up: I’m a melodic, philosophic homely girl who writes, records and laughs at herself, causing others to label her as the mad foodie. If you just say “Wut?!” upon reading that, allow me to assure you, it’s not going to be the last time you say that on IreviewUread.

As mentioned, I only have so much time. Thus, I’ll continue this About the CaveWoman session another time. Leaving you with questions like Why IreviewUread? Why a Beauty Blog? Why Oh Why?

♬♪♩♭♪♪♩♭♬♪♩♭♩

More about Shi Hui & IreviewUread:

Skin type: Combination (Oily and Slightly Dry)

Hair type: Straight and Dyed

Camera used for the photos:

Canon EOS M3 & Samsung Galaxy S7

View my work Here

View IreviewUread’s Media Kit here.

~~~

Top Lifestyle Bloggers in Singapore 2020

Fashion Potluck Maya Awards 

Top 30 Lifestyle Bloggers in Singapore 

Ambassador of Que Origin 

Beauty Insider Contributor

Footnote

This was my previous ‘about me’ introduction for years. As IreviewUread transverse into a new era, I thought I’ll keep the previous about me page as a blog post - for memories sake.

On the other hand, check out my revamped about me page and the new changes on the website! More details to come.

#shtb #about me

[ateezmakemeweep]

broken (part 2).

san x reader

word count: 12k

angst, fluff (tw: mentions of domestic abuse and rape)

(part 1)

no matter how many times you tried to change your thinking patterns, you still classified your life into two parts: before the abuse and after.

you thought, after watching your ex-boyfriend being escorted out of the courtroom with a one-year prison sentence, that you wouldn’t be scared of him anymore.

you thought that moving out of the house and living in your new apartment would make day to day life easier, not needing to see the floor you were beaten on or counter you were forced to have sex on every day.

you thought that having san would make you feel happy and loved and enough. that having a whole new family unit consisting of seven other crazy boys and a crotchety old lady would be enough.

but as you sit curled up on the bathroom floor with tears in your eyes, you’re seeing you severely underestimated everything. 

underestimated just how much trauma you still had to sort through and how badly that asshole really did mess you up.

six months ago:

“so we have the surveillance footage and witness testimony from your neighbors,” your lawyer explains gently, an older woman with kind eyes and soft-spoken voice that quickly transforms in the courtroom. 

“but a personal statement, if you feel comfortable, would probably guarantee the harshest sentence.”

the harshest sentence being one year, a measly 365 days compared to the 1,825 he subjected you to every kind of abuse: sexual, emotional, mental, physical. 

hitting and grabbing and slapping until your skin was littered with bruises and cuts. 

talking so harshly to you that you believed dying was the best option, stripping you from any sort of confidence or self-esteem you once had. 

making you feel completely inept and useless, solely viewing you as a piece of property he could boss around and use at his disposal. 

you had left the office with shaking hands and a pounding heart, barely being able to dial san’s number before he answered after one ring. 

this was the first appointment you’ve went to without him, insisting he can’t and won’t miss his midterm for this. 

“hi, love. everything go okay?” he asks softly, with the sweet gentle voice that has quite literally kept you alive these past few months. 

you don’t know what you did in another life to deserve san but you know that without him, you probably wouldn’t have made it this far. without his constant support and sweet reassurances, you wouldn’t have believed you could ever do this. 

willingly tell police officers and lawyers about what happened to you, break down and expose yourself in such a way that always made you feel weak and pathetic. 

admit aloud that, yes, you’ve been a victim of abuse and no, those bruises and scars on your body aren’t from clumsy falls into the wall or cabinet. 

without him, accompanying you to the police station or lawyer’s office, where you knew jungkook was lingering, you would’ve never felt safe. 

you would’ve broke down and took it all back, told them that you made it all up and to release him because he didn’t do anything wrong.

but he did so much wrong and you and san know that. the police and lawyers and judges know it too, several outbursts from the man in court and at the station proving that. 

it’s what makes the thought of a personal statement so hard, having to look your ex-boyfriend in the face and watch him stare you down with not an ounce of remorse or sorrow.

san must know it too, if your silence through the phone tells him anything, and you can already hear shuffling in the background as he prepares to leave his class and head to your apartment.   

“are you done with your test?” you ask first, voice sweet but mousy in a way that makes san’s stomach sink

he knew today was gonna be rough for you, he knew he should’ve asked his professor to retake the midterm next week. 

“yes,” the boy answers immediately, knowing he’s about to run back into the classroom, circle c for the last three answers and haul ass to his car. 

“san, are you-”

“i was done, it’s fine, y/n,” he confirms gently, feet moving and body desperate to rush toward your apartment. 

because he knows after all of this time, you’ve learned to hold back your pain and suffering. years of practice and keeping tears at bay that he’s noticed have made these months difficult for you two. 

and he hates knowing that you still wait till you’re alone to cry. 

that even though every time you do, he wipes away every tear and holds you to his chest until you fall asleep, you still feel most comfortable being sad alone.

that you’re probably already home now, about to bury your face in a pillow and sob until you hear his car and wipe your cheeks clean like nothing is wrong. 

but there’s a lot wrong. 

a lot wrong with how you’ve been treated and how hard it is to move past it. 

a lot wrong with the legal system that makes this painful journey even more exhausting, forcing you to recount memory after memory and answer question after question about the worst ordeals of your life. 

that’s why san can’t help but turn in his test and rush out the door to his car, speeding off campus and onto the highway in hot pursuit of your apartment above the bakery.

it had seemed like perfect little place to get you back on your feet, the smell of freshly baked bread and pleasant bustle of regulars greeting you in the early morning hours. 

there was no commute for you, just a walk down the stairs and through the yellow door of the bakery, where simple work waited for you. 

“you just need to ring up the customers and maybe clean a table or two. most people take their things to go,” your boss had told you, a divorced mother of three who spent most of her life baking before she was finally able to open up a place of her own. 

it was simple work but it was more than you’d done in years, something as little as small talk with regulars successfully draining you. filling you with a nervousness and fear that you’re still feeling even without your ex’s presence. 

but it’s in the way a man yells on the phone about a business deal going sour while waiting for his morning coffee. 

a woman chastising her kids saying that they won’t get to eat the cookies she’s buying after dinner. 

the slam of the door when a harsh gust of wind howls from outside and rattles the small bakery with light blue walls and pictures of bread and desserts.

you don’t know how many coffees you’ve spilt or plates you’ve broken from jumping at the harsh sounds, realizing little by little how hard this transition was gonna be. 

even with san and his friends and your boss and the crazy old lady who secured this new life for you in the first place, it’s still hard. 

you can’t even imagine doing all of these new things alone, just living in such a simple way that the average person takes for granted. 

but you suppose it’s not all simple yet, going back and forth between meetings with your lawyer and the police for the court date that’s rapidly approaching. 

you can feel that the closer it comes, the harder it is to breathe. 

the mere thought of seeing the man who hurt you for the longest five years of your life, sitting in front of you with not an ounce of remorse on his face. making  this process even harder because how are you supposed to talk in front of him? 

see clear as day that you’re not safe and you never will be. 

that he’s gonna get out in a year, because that’s the harshest sentence possible without you being hospitalized or dead, and hurt you again. he’s never gonna stop hurting you because he always said you were his and he wouldn’t ever hesitate to-

you don’t even hear the jingle of san’s keys opening the front door or his softly spoken call of your name. 

you’re only aware of his presence when you feel his warm, small hands cup your face, his thumbs rubbing over your wet, salty skin as he mutters your name lowly.

“hey, i’m here, i’m here,” he mumbles sweetly, tone soft and gentle the way it always is no matter what the circumstances are.

he plops down on the couch before pulling you into his lap, his hand rubbing up and down your back gently. you hear the quiet but firm “sh, sh, sh,” against your head, the sharp calming hums always in threes as an attempt to ground you.

you try to focus on his calming sounds and even breaths, the hand on your back so warm and gentle as he lulls your panicked body into a calmer state. 

you bury your face in his chest and breathe in his scent, cologne and detergent mixed with his natural scent that lingers on your pillow every morning. 

“i-i’m sorry.”

the words make his stomach plummet, tears burning his eyes because you never have anything to be sorry for. you never have anything to be sorry for and you say it all the time. 

when you bump into him in the kitchen while making food together.

when you sit on the remote and change the channel by accident.

when you burnt the cookies one night and made the fire alarm go off. 

he remembers that being one of the worse nights, the loud noises making you jump while also flinching away when he lifted his arm up to fan away the smoke. and then you immediately apologized again, cookies long forgotten before he grabbed your hand and led you into the living room. 

he just held your hand as you both watched tv, his thumb rubbing over your skin before you spoke words so quietly, he almost missed them. 

“i wish...i would stop doing that.”

he cranes his neck over to look at you, eyebrow raised and eyes soft as he looks  at you questioningly. 

he wants to tease and say that you’ve never burnt the cookies before but anytime you feel comfortable enough to talk to him like this, he never wants to say the wrong thing.

“i...i know you would never hurt me,“ you continue after a few moments. “and i know i’m just...scared easily, i guess. but it makes me feel bad,” you admit quietly, heart pulling in your chest as you look at the man beside you. 

he has gotten you through the hardest times of your life, has been by your side every step of the way with no questions or complaints, and you haven’t been able to repay him. 

not even with a plate of fucking cookies. 

“you don’t have to feel bad, y/n,” san says gently, his hand reaching out slowly to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. 

your eyes close at his feather light touch and the way it makes your heart jump, his fingers lingering on you in a way that makes you feel so safe and content. 

“and i know it’s hard to believe still but you have nothing to be scared of either. i’m not gonna let anyone hurt you again and i mean that.”

“but i feel like i’m hurting you,” you mumble softly, pulling your knees up as you rest your head on the couch cushion. his brows pull together as his eyes roam your face, a pout on his lips the more he looks at you in silence.

“you’ve helped me so much and i just...” tears fill your eyes as you struggle to find the words and breathe. you’ve only been living in your new house for two months now and almost every day, san has been here. 

bringing you food, helping you clean and decorate, spending late nights with you watching movies, helping you through an inevitable fit of panic when your memories and life become too much. 

he makes it easier to breathe and you’re scared that without him, you’re gonna stop one day.

“i just keep... taking from you. you get nothing out of helping me but you still do it anyway and i...you shouldn’t even bother, san. i-i’m not worth this time and i just want you to-”

“stop.”

he tries to keep the anger out of his voice knowing that all of this is what you’ve been told. you’ve been told your whole life that you weren’t enough, were only deemed worthy by a piece of shit who did nothing but hurt and berate you. 

but it doesn’t make it any less hard to hear. to hear in your voice and see in your eyes that you truly believe you’re not worth the time he wants to put into you. 

“you’re worth the time to me,” he says, voice gentle but firm in a way that makes a lump form in your throat. his finger reaches out to trace small circles on your hand, your eyes following it so he doesn’t see the tears building up. 

“i like seeing you happy, y/n. and i wanna help you.”

your teary eyes meet his and you swallow the growing lump in your throat when you see the look on his face, soft and sweet in a way you still can’t believe is directed toward you. 

“i feel like i need a lot of help,” you mutter, voice barely above a whisper as you think back to how day to day life is so challenging and draining. 

the loud voices and the screaming kids and banging door that sends you into a panic. the broken dishes and tear stains on your pillow that are there more often than not after san leaves every night. 

but san’s hearing each and every word right now, his heart panging in his chest at how vulnerable you are right now. how you let him see this side of you and continue to despite how hard he knows everything’s been. 

“that’s okay,” he smiles softly, stopping the circles on your hand to intertwine your fingers. “i’m gonna be here as long as you need me, okay?”

you look up to meet his gaze and feel a tear slip down your cheek, a cry bubbling in your throat that you so desperately wanna let out. 

but you also don’t wanna make san any more sad tonight, biting down on your lip as you nod your head before leaning on his shoulder. 

you don’t see the smile that crosses his face or hear the content sigh that leaves him, his hand in yours and presence enough to lull you into a dreamless sleep. 

“you have nothing to be sorry for,” he assures you quietly, looking over your face as he wipes at your cheeks. you meet his gaze and your eyes stay locked on one another, his thumb gentle and soft across your skin.

“did you do good on your test?” you squeak out after a few moments of silence, a smile breaking out across his face. 

“of course i did, we studied all night, didn’t we?” he teases, referring to just last night when you helped him with index cards and read them all to him twice before promptly passing out on his chest. 

a blush crosses your face as you look down in embarrassment, a sweet high pitched laugh bubbling out of him. 

“it’s okay, don’t be embarrassed. your drool only ruined a few of them.”

“i don’t drool,” you mutter, a small smile on san’s face as he tightens his hold on you in his lap. 

“did you eat yet?” 

you shake your head as indistinguishable mumble leaves your mouth, curling yourself into his chest more as his warmth and comforting scent envelop you. 

his lips brush against your hair in a small smile, quietly asking what you wanna eat even though he knows you’re gonna say you don’t care. 

“whatever you want,” you mutter against him, the exhaustion of waking up at 5 am and the draining meeting with your lawyer catching up to you. 

and san knows on days like these that chinese food and watching reruns of old cartoons is usually the thing you need to feel a little bit better. 

pretend that just for a few hours, everything is okay and there’s nothing more pressing than spending the night together in what always turns into having a sleepover. 

because just as you found it difficult to live in that house you once shared with jungkook, san finds it difficult to go back to that block every night. 

stay just a few houses away from where he’s reminded of how you were treated while he was just a few feet away.

watching as the backyard once full of flowers becomes dull and colorless and every window reminds him of what was truly going on behind the walls of that house.

it’s one of the reasons why staying with you just makes sense. that and the fact that leaving you always proves to be the hardest part of the night together. 

you with a pout and sad eyes quietly whining for him to stay and him being completely powerless as he throws himself down next to you and wraps his arms around your waist. 

he’s not surprised when the same thing happens tonight, your eyes drooping and body slacking against him before he quietly asks if he should get going. you look up at him tiredly, eyebrows pulled together and one cheek red from you leaning on his chest in a way that makes him hold back a smirk.

“no,” you say quietly, your eyes roaming his face before you quickly realize he might want to leave you. the thought rips a pang of hurt through your chest but you can’t help but feel that might be the case. 

you ripped him away from his test and cried on him all night. why would he wanna stay with you? 

“unless you want to. i-i don’t wanna force you to stay here if you don’t-”

“of course i want to,” san responds, taking your face in his hands gently and allowing his thumb to run along your soft skin. “i was just checking.” 

because he also never wants to overstep. make you feel too overwhelmed or smothered since if it were up to him, he’d never leave your side again. 

his words and touch send relief through you, the panic and fear that attempted to break through quickly dying it. everything about him makes it so easy to be calm and comforted, a smile making it’s way on your face as you nod. 

you place your head back on his chest, sighing contently when you feel his arm wrap around your shoulder a few moments later. you stare at the tv blankly, not sure how long you’re lost in thought about the conversation at the lawyer’s office. 

“but a personal statement, if you feel comfortable, would probably guarantee the harshest sentence.”

could you really do that though? strip yourself to the most vulnerable degree and proclaim to a courtroom full of people how weak and defenseless you were for five years? how the man who’s gonna be seated just a few feet away over you had that much power over you? 

would you feel better looking jungkook in the face and telling him that you’re gonna be strong and come out okay? that he won’t be able to hurt you anymore and will rot behind a cell for what he’s done?

or would you it make you feel worse? seeing him again and the blankness behind his eyes. the pity and sorrowful looks on the judge and court officers when your voice shakes and eyes brim with tears as you recall your old life.

you’re not even sure if san is awake at this point, his arm heavy around you and breaths even under your head but you can’t seem to stop your tired self from speaking.

“my lawyer suggested i make a personal statement.”

san doesn’t stutter under you, the only sign of him being awake when he hums lowly and gently pulls away from you. the bed dips next to you when he lays on his side, your eyes meeting just as he reaches out to smooth out a messy strand of hair.

“yeah?” he mumbles lowly, his soft eyes roaming your face. “how do you feel about that?” 

the question, despite the serious tension in leaves in the air, makes you smile softly, remembering when your lawyer recommended counseling, you thought back to san waiting in the car and felt as if you already had all the support you needed. 

he has the most patience and kindness of anyone you’ve ever met before and you can’t imagine trusting someone as much as trust him. have someone else hear you this vulnerable and genuine, see you cry and feel all the emotions that come with rebuilding your life after being a victim of domestic violence. 

“i don’t know if i can do it.”

the words make san frown, holding himself up on his elbow as he looks over your face with concern. he can tell you’re tired, eyes hazy and drooping but he also can tell your mind’s been preoccupied. 

more so than usual. 

“i...i don’t know if i could do it with him there.”

“he’s not gonna hurt you anymore,” san reminds you gently, his hand creeping down in between your bodies to take ahold of yours. it’s soft and small and warm and everything about it makes you feel safe. 

“i-i know. but...just him being there. watching me and hearing me say what he’s done when i know he has no remorse. and then telling more people how i let it go on for so long and-”

“you didn’t let anything go on for too long. it wasn’t your fault. y/n.”

tears burn your eyes as a lump forms in your throat, hearing those words from almost everyone in your life but still not having the ability to grasp it. 

it feels like your fault, it feels like you’ve allowed yourself to be treated in a way you knew was wrong for far too long. 

because now look at you. trying to rebuild your life but being panicked when the wind howls just a little too loudly outside. 

you take a few deep calming breaks and swallow as you look at him, eyes hazy and glossy and threatening to close shut; you’re so tired but it’s like your brain never stops going these days. 

“she said...it’d guarantee the harshest sentence. but shouldn’t the evidence be enough? the tapes and the witnesses? why- why do i have to keep going through this?” you whisper, voice shaky and tears building as you look at him. the sight alone makes san stomach sink, rolling his tongue between his lips anxiously. 

“i just want it to be over. i don’t wanna keep recounting what happened over and over and over again. i... it’s so hard, san. it’s so hard and i feel like i can’t do it anym-” 

your words break off as a quiet whimper leaves your mouth, crumbling against san’s body when he pulls you forward and wraps his arms around you. your head falls in the crook of his neck as his hand rests on the back of your head, breathing slowly and evenly as quiet hums leave his mouth. 

“I know, baby,” san mumbles, his lips against your head as he presses a kiss to your hair. “you don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do, okay? no one can make you do anything.”

"you're hurting me, jungkook," your broken voice tells him, the cracks and pain behind it familiar to even your own ears.

you don't know how many times you've heard yourself like this. so desperate and defeated.

"i wish i didn't have to, babydoll," he says lowly, "but you never listen. you make me do this."

and you don’t even think about if you’re gonna regret it at the time. not use your own voice and speak up in front of the courtroom about what the man on trial did. 

you can only think about his eyes watching you, your friends hearing your voice quiver and shake, the judge maybe not taking your words into account. it all seems too much right now, the crushing weight of anxiety and fear that’s making you feel too weak to do that. 

“you made it this far. and it’s almost all over, okay?” san reassures, his hand stroking your hair as he tries to calm your cries. “if you wanna do it, i’ll be right there next to you. we’ll all be there for you and you’ll be safe the whole time. but if you don’t, that’s okay too. you don’t have to and everything will still be okay.”

and because it’s like the blonde just knows everything when it comes to you, everything is okay - or as okay as things can be under these circumstances. 

your lawyer didn’t bat an eye when you told her you weren’t sure if you could do a personal statement, her hand on your shoulder as she gently tells you that it’s okay. that the harshest sentence would probably still be given, considering the unusual amount of evidence in a case like this. 

you watched jungkook get taken out of court with a one year sentence, thrashing in handcuffs and cursing at you while you gripped san’s hand tightly. 

you had foolishly thought watching that was gonna somehow heal you immediately. 

no longer make you afraid or flinch at the smallest of sounds or movements, make you feel like now you can take san’s words to heart and feel worthy of the love he showered you with. 

but it was with that love, you started to grow too dependent. let it consume you in a whole new way that made you feel like without san, you couldn’t breathe. 

at first, he didn’t know what had triggered the episodes that followed three months after the trial. 

it had seemed as if you were making a lot of progress over the past few months, truly happy and smiley without an ounce of fear in your eyes that had always seemed to linger. 

you were working hard at the bakery, becoming closer with the regulars and even finding it easier to talk with them. they found you comforting and sweet, always greeting them with a warm smile and remembering how many sugars they got with their morning coffee. 

the same warm smile you gave san when he told you he was visiting his parents for his mom’s birthday one weekend, sending him off with a loaf of bread and an array of cookies. 

“don’t eat them all,” you teased lightly, side-eyeing mingi who was one of your many regulars and could also take your advice as he shovels rainbow cookies in his mouth. 

“i won’t,” san smiles gently, looking in mingi’s direction and holding back a laugh upon seeing the boy. 

he was probably the next closest person you came to trust since you all got to know each other, a soft spot for him ever since the moment he deemed sunflowers ‘sunnies’ during the darker times. 

mingi was the happiness and innocence you think you must have had once. finding the good in everything and being happy just because the sun was out and dessert was on the table. 

“and neither should you,” san chastises the younger boy, smacking him in the back of the head lightly. you smile softly at the exchange, holding back a snort as you clean off the table next to the bickering boys. 

the arm around your waist a few moments later would’ve startled you had you not smelt san’s cologne, leaning into him and feeling grateful you’re the only three in the store right now. 

you look over your shoulder and smile softly at him, heart stuttering at the look on his face. eyes full of such concern, you should know he’s about to ask you if you’re-

“are you gonna be okay tonight?” 

he wasn’t ignorant of the fact, the same way you weren’t, that this is gonna be one the first nights you’ve spent alone in months. 

not falling asleep to the gentle lull of his breathing or his arms around your waist. no one to be there if you wake up from a nightmare, where memories torment your body as you hear the shouts of your ex and feel as if your body is still being bruised.

san not being there to wake you with a gentle peck on the cheek before dragging you back to the warm bed when you try to get up for work. 

but you have to be okay, right? you’ve been doing so good these past few weeks. and you’re an adult the same way he’s an adult, it’s ridiculous to think you guys would have to spend every night together. 

“of course, silly” you poke him gently, smiling when his dimples poke out of his cheeks. “have fun with your parents. don’t worry about me.”

“i always worry about you,” he mumbles lowly, his lips ghosting over your hair as you push his chest lightly. he bites back a smile when he sees the blush on your cheeks, pulling away from him immediately so you can stick your tongue out at him. 

and that night, it actually feels as if you’re okay. 

you busy yourself by cleaning and cooking before passing out to the vampire diaries. your sleep is dreamless and calm, waking up to a good morning message from san consisting of a bare-faced, messy-haired selfie. 

but a few days after his return is when he began to notice the little changes. 

behaviors he thinks you weren’t even aware of that made his heart sink into his stomach; it reminded him so much of the first few weeks you were away from jungkook. 

how despite the fear in your eyes, you clung to him because you knew he’d never hurt you. felt safe in his presence and sought him out when you were feeling uncomfortable or upset. 

and he sees you’re back to the place right now, so obviously uneasy and upset despite the major progress you’ve been making. 

it was like the second he came through the door, you had to be by his side. leaning your head on his shoulder as you watched your shows or grabbing his hand when he got up to go to the bathroom. 

at first, he thought it was cute - your clinginess and obvious affection toward him. he thought it was sweet and it made him so happy, smiling softly and kissing the top of your head as he told you he’d be back in a minute.

but the more the weeks went on, the worse it was seeming to get. 

you asking him after only a few hours of him at school when he was gonna be back. nightmares and bad memories haunting you when you’d fall asleep for naps in between your shift ending and his last class. 

“baby... are you sure you’re okay these days?” 

the words cause you to stop stirring the pasta in the pot, craning your neck to where san is sitting on the countertop. 

he meets your gaze with a soft smile and extends his hand out to you, leaning down to press a kiss to your nose before pulling you up.

you squeal at the sensation, giggling quietly because there you two are just perched on the counter like two cats and no regard for the boiling pot of food beside you. 

you giggle again when he places a kiss to your neck, tightening his hold around your waist.

he relishes in the sound of your laugh because it also seems like these days, he’s hasn’t heard it that much. 

“i feel like i haven’t heard that in a while,” he mumbles against your neck, his lips lingering on your skin. he never wants to say the wrong thing with you or make you feel like you’re not doing good enough. 

you pull back and look at him with a small pout, your fingers toying at the end of his shirt nervously. 

“i...i’m okay though,” you tell him quietly, thinking it’s the truth even though you have felt off these days. 

you didn’t know what it was though honestly. it’s felt like ever since san came back from his parents, you’ve needed him extra. clingy and needy and annoying in the sense that the poor man can’t even go away without you needing him. 

and now he seems to know it, too. 

maybe he doesn’t wanna do this anymore. maybe he didn’t sign up for months of you going back and forth, feeling great and confident one week and then back to being clingy and scared the next. 

because you know it’s only a matter of time before two things happens: he gets sick of you and leaves or starts resenting you. doesn’t wanna waste his time with a battered woman when he could be wth fun and carefree college girls. 

“have i been annoying?” 

your blurted out question throws him off as much as it breaks his heart, immediately shaking his head as he cups your cheeks. 

his lips fall into a pout and your eyes immediately fall to them, about to comment on it before he places a sweet, short peck on yours.

you two, despite your close and intimate relationship full of skin-ship, don’t kiss a lot. you can only count of one hand how many times san has kissed you on the lips, most of the time going for your cheek or head.

but you certainly don’t mind. 

you think it’s good to take it slow, since everything else about your relationship is so intense. that’s why the times he does kiss you, you get filled with such a happy warm feeling that usually makes you feel better no matter what. 

that’s how you know you’re not right. that suddenly, for some reason, you’re not okay again despite being so incredibly lucky that the people in you life now care about you. 

they’re trying so hard to help you and it feels like you can’t repay them in any way.

“no, no, baby, not at all,” san says when he pulls back, his thumb gently rubbing your cheek. “i’m just concerned.”

the lump in your throat makes it feel like you can’t breathe, biting your lip harshly as you look up at the blonde. 

“i love that you want me around,” he continues softly, his voice barely above a whisper as he looks down at you. “but i’m just...i also wanna make sure you’re okay.”

you nod your head as you take in his words, slightly calmed by them despite the way your mind is trying to tell you otherwise. 

he loves that you want him around, he just said so. and he wouldn’t put up with you if he didn’t want to, right?

“i’m okay,” you assure sweetly, leaning into his touch just a little bit more. “i guess i just missed you.”

your cheeks flush at the soft, almost touched look that crosses san’s face, his lips falling into a pout as he tightens his hold on you.

“i missed you too.”

boiling liquid splashing onto the stove causes you both to look away, a squeal leaving your mouth as the foamy water overflows the pot. 

“shit!” you squeal, jumping down from the counter to rush over and lower the heat. san watches from his spot with a small smile, chuckling lightly when you throw him a look.

“sorry,” he says sheepishly, a playful roll of your eyes causing him to jump down and hug you from behind.

he presses small kisses and laughs into the crook of your neck as you finish making the pasta, feeding him pieces from the pot to see if it’s cooked enough. 

you eat on the couch and spend the rest of the night watching tv, a relatively calm and relaxed night that makes you feel much better than the past few days. 

you think you just got so used to his presence, the comfort and warmth and light he provides by just being in your apartment and smiling at you. 

you were scared by how attached you’d grown to him, depending on him in a way you think a person who has gone through what you’ve gone through shouldn’t.

but he’s so good and makes you feel loved. it’s such a different feeling than one you’ve ever experienced, after your family and friends and ex-boyfriend let you down time and time again. 

you’ve never had someone like this before but you’ve also never tried to rebuild your life before. never had the chance to be your own person and make your own decisions - it’s something you’re still learning and that’s evident to everyone in your life. 

but the next morning, a pleasant surprise in the form of mrs. kim comes bursting through the door and immediately lights your face with a smile; apart from san and mingi, she’s another person you’ve grown extremely close and fond of. 

she’s the one who made everything possible, rebuilding your life with a new home and workplace. it’s why she always tries to push you further out of your comfort zone and into the real world with gentle prodding and much needed assurance. 

she’s at the bakery for almost two hours before she pulls up a chair behind the register and gets that look in her eye you know all too well. it’s the look she gave you the day you accepted the apartment, insisting you take it and make it your own and to not even think about how to pay her back. 

the look she gave you before the trial as she gave you strength, told you that you were strong and you were gonna get through this, with or without your personal statement. 

and apparently it’s the look she gives you when she broaches the topic of you enrolling back in school. 

“so what do you think?” she asks, tone carefree and excited like she’d been thinking about this for weeks. “is that something you’d wanna do?” 

your immediate thought is yes. yes, yes, yes shout it from the rooftops yes. you miss school and learning and all the experiences that come with getting an education. 

you once loved school and had so many aspirations but then your life apart. the prospect of an education or getting a job was dangled in your face as some sort of manipulation tactic.

that when jungkook went too far and left you especially bloody and bruised, he’d mentioned school like it was the answer to all of your problems as a couple. like that was his penance and would win him boyfriend of the year.

and mrs. kim must see the haunted look in your eye, replaying flashbacks and memories from how choices like that weren’t under your control for the longest time. 

“listen to me, stop staying in there,” she says, flicking at your head and making you wince. “is that something you wanna do? yes or no?” 

“yes but i-”

“but nothing,” the old lady says, wiping out an ipad the boys had been teaching her how to use for the past few weeks; the font is the biggest size you’ve ever seen and has a cat case on that almost makes you burst out laughing upon seeing.

“i was looking at the local school, it’s close and cheap but you could always get some financial aid, scholarships or even a loan,” she begins to tell you, eyes squinted and a wrinkle between her browns as she taps on the screen. “this shit is so hard, i’m still trying to learn. oh, great here it is, okay. look, they even have this major.”

you had mentioned once that you thought about a career in journalism to her, one night when you and her were making cookies in her house as the boys tended to her garden (because they were gardeners now, official, professional gardeners who only know how to plant sunflowers). 

tears almost immediately fill in your eyes as you follow her pruny finger, licking over your lips so you don’t start sobbing. 

she looks up at you after a few moments of silence and it’s promptly followed by her smacking your arm, a scoff leaving her mouth that makes you giggle. 

“what are you crying about?” 

the emotion clogged in your throat makes it hard to speak, attempting to talk through the strange contrast of tears and laughter bubbling in your throat. 

“i just... i can’t believe you remember i told you that. it was so long ago.”

“what? you think because i’m old i don’t remember shit? i’m not a senile, y/n, jesus.” 

a wet giggle leaves your mouth as you listen to her talk about the research she’s done, about how to pay and when you can start and her son’s experience at the local college. 

it all makes you feel very hopeful, excited even, as you think about what once seemed impossible. 

getting out in the world and pursuing a passion you as an individual had. making connections and just conversing with different people and seeing relationships form. 

but all of those doubts and fears instilled in you don’t just go away.

you remember months back when you told san you were writing again, he was the one who recommended going back to school. 

was so happy about it that his eyes were shining and dimples were out and you’d never seen someone more handsome.

but now that you guys are...kind of together, would his mind change? does he not want you talking to other people either now? will he think it’s silly or pointless, since you already have you job at the bakery? 

you know deep down that that’s not the kind of person san is. you knew from the moment you met him and risked talking and smiling and laughing with him that he was good.

but that part of you still scared and broken from what you went through, the prospect of school and freedom dangled in your face as some sort of reward or apology, is scared he won’t approve.

and whether it’s unhealthy or not, all you want is san’s approval. 

“c-can i ask you something?” you ask him later that night, both of you cuddled up on the couch.

a blanket’s thrown over your lap with san’s arm around your shoulder, your head now off his chest as you look up at him questioningly. 

he immediately looks down at you with a soft, curious expression, running his hand through your hair as a small smile makes it’s way on his face. 

“anything,” he hums lowly, already making your nervous body feel slightly more calm. 

you have to try and always remember this is the boy who’s been by your side for months, with no complaints. who saved you from your life before this and only wants you to be safe and happy. 

“i was talking to miss kim earlier today...” you begin, his interest already peeked because he thinks he might know where this is going; he was suspicious ever since the older woman asked him how to make the font larger on her ipad. 

he sees the slight apprehension and fear in your eyes so he takes your hand in his, running his thumb over your skin gently and giving you a small, encouraging nod. 

you take a deep breath and try to shake the worry off, opening and closing your mouth before deciding to spit it out. 

“we...were talking about me going back to school. and i...kind of thought that would be something good for me to do. i used to love school and learning and mrs kim. said there’s a lot of things i could do to pay for it and stuff, if i needed to...” 

his chest hurts slightly watching you stammer over your words nervously, your eyes moving from him to the wall as you start to unconsciously hold his hand tighter. 

“but if you don’t want me to or think it’s a stupid idea, i won’t. i just...wanted to make sure it was okay with you.” 

you don’t see the way san sits there in contemplation as you’re too nervous and toying with the edge of the blanket, his face sympathetic but also a little surprised. 

there’s a lot of things that san is still getting used to, the way you’re so vulnerable and attached to him (in a way he doesn’t mind at all). 

but it’s like right now he’s seeing the severity of it, watching as a grown woman asks for his permission for something she absolutely doesn’t.

it makes tears burn the back of his eyes but he quickly pushes the sensation and desire away, his hand lifting your chin so you made his gaze head-on. 

“y/n...you don’t need my permission to do anything. you... you know that, right?”

your eyebrows pull together almost in confusion that he didn’t immediately respond with a yes or no, head cocked to that side as you lick over your lips nervously. 

he can’t help but think if this was a fault on his part. did he make you feel like you have to ask his permission or approval for things? did he maybe at any point make you feel scared or judged when he’s been doing his best to avoid that?

your harsh grip on his hand brings him back to the conclusion that, right now, this isn’t about him. 

whether he did that or not, he has to make sure right now that you know you’re your own person and don’t need to run decisions by him or anyone else. 

“baby, i think it’s great you wanna do that and will support whatever you wanna do. but you don’t have to ask for...my permission to do anything,” san tells you softly, his hand cupping your face as he presses a kiss to your head; the words ‘his permission’ even feel gross on his tongue.

“i’m happy if you’re happy. and if going to school will make you happy, i’m gonna be supportive 100%. you got it, love?” 

you don’t even know why you’re surprised by san’s reaction but it still brings tears to your eyes, only being able to nod before you bury your face in his chest. 

he bites back a smile at the feel of you against him, running his hand up your back to gently rest in your hair. 

“you still wanna study journalism?” he mumbles against your hair and again, you can only nod so you don’t let out the whimper threatening to leave you mouth.

because it still shocks you day after day that everyone in your life now truly seems to care. 

they remember things about you and want to see you smile, always remind you that you can do whatever you want and are slowly making you see that, maybe, you will be okay in the end. 

it may not seem like a lot to someone who’s been lucky enough to have these things but, for you, it’s something you haven’t ever had before.

the ability to giggle and smile and spend your night with someone who you can see really, truly loves you. who wouldn’t do anything to hurt you and always has your best interests in mind.

that’s exactly why when you fall asleep, san can’t help but turn to look at your sleeping form. he runs his hand through your messy hair, moving a strand from your face and feeling his heart lurch at how peaceful and innocent you look. 

he still can’t get the thoughts out of his heads from earlier, wondering if, maybe, this whole time, he hasn’t been doing the right thing. 

maybe these past few months, you should’ve been rebuilding your life on your own. he shouldn’t have been here every, single step of the way to sooth and coddle and protect you. 

it was something hongjoong said just a few weeks after you moved in and he nearly attacked the boy, asking how he could let you cry alone every night and feel lonely and scared in a new place?

but he also knows that hongjoong is more logical than him. he’s always let his emotions get to him, empathetic and caring almost to a fault. 

and with you, he was always even more clouded. 

now, though, he’s seeing that maybe hongjoong has a point. he’s seen it in the way you’ve become more clingy and dependent on him, something he loves and makes him feel warm but also knows, for you, is a part of feeling safe. 

and as hard as it is for him to admit, he knows you need to feel safe without him. slowly rebuild your own sense of self and security without him always being there to wipe your tears or kiss your face. 

but how is supposed to do that? he thinks, watching your sleeping face with a pained chest and burning eyes.

he’s about to get up to get a glass of water before he hears you whine, both his feet not even on the floor before even in your unconscious you can sense his departure. 

“going to get water, love, i’ll be right back,” he mumbles in your ear, kissing the side of your head when you still and roll back over. 

he gulps down the cool liquid before resting his head on the cold fridge, letting out a sigh as he realizes he may need to have another discussion with hongjoong.

even more so when he goes back into the room and sees your face, the slightest hint of discomfort in your pinched eyebrows and frowning lips. 

you turn back over when he crawls in the bed again, your head on his chest and arm wrapping around his stomach. 

he smiles upon hearing your sleepy voice call his name, dazed eyes staring up at him as he kisses the tip of your nose. 

“hi, baby. i’m back.” 

“i love you.”

the confession make his eyes widen and heart speed up, shocked into silence at those three, sudden words. 

because while it’s obvious that’s how you both feel for each other, your sweet touches and words exchanged since the moment you met one another, you two haven’t ever uttered that sentence. 

never put it out in the open and really discussed your feelings for one another. 

but your eyes are shut and breaths turn even before you can even hear his softly spoken, “i love you,” in return. 

and it’s because he loves you that he tells hongjoong about the thoughts he’s been having, wondering if he’s been doing the wrong thing the whole time and just making this transition harder for you. 

“i think you’re trying to make it easier because you love her and don’t wanna see her hurt anymore.” 

san’s eyes meet hongjoong’s across the dining room table at their house, a house san hasn’t slept or eaten at basically since you moved out; everyone knew where he was and they understood it completely but they also missed their friend’s presence. 

“but...she does need to learn to be on her own, san. she’s never done that before and she’s always been dependent on someone. luckily you’re just...so fucking good that it wouldn’t be a problem. but even with her asking you if she could go to school...she’s not okay, yet, san. she needs to sort her shit out.”

“i don’t want her to be alone,” the blonde admits, voice tight and eyes threatening to water. “i don’t want her to think i’m leaving her.”

“you’re not leaving her alone. you’re just not gonna be attached at the hip 24/7. it’s normal for couples to be apart. you still live and pay rent here, you know. everyone misses you.”

the sound of bickering and plates crashing promptly comes from the kitchen, mingi’s harsh yelp of wooyoung’s name causing a commotion of bickering to break out. 

hongjoong looks at san with a half pained, half amused expression, knowing that the dimpled boy  will have to readjust to how loud and chaotic the house is all the time. 

“you don’t have to do right now,” hongjoong says, wanting to finish the discussion before the boys notice san is here and lost their shit. “ease her into it. talk to her about it. see if she feels the same way. but let her know you just wanna help her, because i know you do, right?” 

san’s nod is immediate and hongjoong mirrors him, his eyes quickly widening as he looks over the blonde’s broad shoulder. 

he doesn’t even get to turn around before a slew of bodies bump into him, nearly knocking him onto the floor as six large, excited boys are jumping and squealing around him.

“san! you’re finally home!”

you’re nearly two months into your first semester of college by the time you’ve fully adjusted to your new schedule and pace of life.

classes monday, tuesday and thursdays mornings followed by your shift at the cafe during the afternoons. you miss your early morning regulars dearly and don’t know what to do with the 10+ memorized coffee orders still in your brain but you already love school so much. 

you love learning and talking with your professors and meeting the many different people on campus. you’ve even found a small group of friends, two girls who sat next to you and immediately started up a conversation with you.

you were terffied and shy at first but eventually opened up, giggling and sharing your thoughts with them before class started - you even always made sure to be 10 minutes early so you could get in your chats with them. 

unsurprisingly, san had been nothing but happy and supportive for the entire journey. helping you apply and become familiar with the campus while also assuring you everything was gonna work out. 

your days were busy and packed with work and you truly loved it but night was still your favorite. when san would walk through the door with take out or you’d be greeted with the sight of him waiting for you on the couch. 

it really felt as if your life was finally coming together, happy and at peace in a way you never felt before. it was like you finally had some sort of control over what happened to you, long gone the feeling of knots in your stomach or an uncontrollable shake in your hands. 

but when you notice san is a little more quiet than usual today, you feel that foreign feeling make it’s way back into your body. 

“is...everything okay?” you finally grow the confidence to ask, his hand absentmindley rubbing your leg that’s sprawled out on his lap. 

you can tell the question throws him off by the way he snaps his head up to look at you, brows pulled together and his head cocked cutely to the side as his eyes roam your face. 

“’course love, why do you ask?”

“i don’t know,” you hum softly, leaning the side of your head on the couch as you look at him. “i feel like you’re quiet today.”

“just thinking baby,” he tells you, tightening his hold on your leg before looking your way. “how were classes today?”

“good, i have to start my essay soon,” you tell him, something uneasy still pulling at your stomach; you’re not used to san being quiet or so lost in thought, usually the only time he’s silent is during a new episode of your shows.

“you’ll do great on it,” he says encouragingly, the hand on your leg gently calmingly rubbing your skin up and down. “you’re doing really good, you know that?” 

happiness fills you at the thought of making san proud, a small smile on your face that causes one his own to cross his face. his dimples poke out and it reminds you so much of your first meeting, when the sun reflected off of him and you just knew there was something too pure and good about this man.

“thank you,” you smile softly, a faint blush on your cheeks that has san’s heart breaking in his chest even more.

he doesn’t wanna have this conversation tonight but he thinks it would be the best time. bring up maybe not staying over every night to create some more space for you while also allowing you to be more independent. learning how to fill your time with things other than him.

but you’re so happy tonight. 

you’ve been so happy these past few months and he doesn’t wanna be the person to ruin that; it seems, though, you can see something behind his eyes and in his demeanor already, your body wiggling closer to him as your gaze shifts nervously. 

“are you sure you’re okay?” 

he lets out a sigh and you can’t help the way your stomach drops, watching carefully as his face turns contemplative and torn. like he wants to say something but isn’t sure if you’re gonna be able to handle it. 

and that alone is scaring the shit out of you. 

the silence is probably only fifteen seconds but it feels like hours, your eyes staring wide and heart starting to race as you look at him; you don’t know what you did but you had to have done something, right? he wouldn’t just act like this out of nowhere. 

“did i...do something wrong?” you ask meekly, that feeling of fear and panic you haven’t felt in almost a year creeping back. you almost forgot how debilitating this feeling is, fully consuming your body until you feel like you’re about to completely breakdown and crumble. 

the fear and concern on your face immediately makes him frown, shaking his head adamantly as he pulls you closer to him. 

“no, no, no, y/n, of course not,” he assures softly, his lips brushing against your head. 

you feel his calming breaths in your hair, like he already knows from the slight waver in your voice and look on your face that you’re getting worked up and anxious. 

the few moments of silence should make you more anxious but you can only focus on his breathing and the warmth from his body against you, trying to stay calm as you remember that this is san and he would never do or say anything to hurt you. 

“i’ve just been thinking about some things and i wanna talk to you about it,” san says, breaking the silence and immediately making your stomach flip nervously. “it’s nothing bad, baby, i just... you know i always have your best interest in mind, right?”

you swallow the lump growing in your throat as you turn to look at him, the soft look in his eye making you happy as much as it makes you sad. 

because while you love seeing it, how sweet and thoughtful and truly kind he is, you know it’s also there because he thinks you’re about to lose your shit. and you haven’t lost your shit in quite some time. 

“i-i know...” 

he takes your face in his hands when your eyes start to wander, the quiet hum leaving his mouth making you look up at him again. the look in his eyes truly stirs something in you, tears burning your eyes even though you’re not even sure why yet. 

“and you know i’ll never, ever hurt you?”

you nod again, feeling panic deep within your chest at where this conversation seems to be going.

“so what i’m about to suggest, i need you to hear me out, okay?”

he waits until you nod, his stomach sinking at the glossed over look in your eyes before he daringly opens his mouth again. 

tells you that he thinks you living on your own while you start a new chapter of your life will be a good thing for you both. that learning to be independent and on your own will help you immensely in this new part of your life. 

“you’ve been doing so good, y/n, and i’m so proud of you. you’ve started school and you work full time and you’re doing all the things you want to do. but we’re together all the time, baby, and i...i don’t know if that’s healthy, for either of us, you know?”

and you think to the average person, who hasn’t been abused and neglected and spent the last five years in normal, healthy circumstances, they would hear this and understand immediately. 

that being alone and learning how to be on your own is a good, healthy thing that everyone needs to experience. 

but all your brain can hear is he doesn’t wanna be with you anymore. 

he’s tired of your brokenness and tired of looking after you all the time and needs some space from you; and while, you suppose, you can’t blame him, it doesn’t hurt you any less. 

it doesn’t terrify you or upset you any less, even though you know his intentions are good; you can only feel unwanted and unworthy and like your time with someone so much better than you is up. 

“is it...i just...do you not like it here? with me?”

did you not keep it clean enough? did you not cook enough, were the meals too frequently takeout and leftovers? you remember jungkook hated that, demanding the house be spotless and dinner be ready and homemade. 

san would laugh at the question if this weren’t the current situation, a serious talk he’s been dreading having because he knows how you’re gonna take it at first. 

but he loves being here and that’s the problem. 

he would coddle you and love you and protect you for as long as you let him if it were up to him. but he knows that’s not what you need anymore, that you’re both not helping anyone if you continue to live your life in what became too comfortable and safe. 

you deserve comfortable and safe but you also deserve to live happily and freely by yourself. and maybe that’s not his decision to make, he often thinks, but he certainly doesn’t think he’s helping you by enabling you to depend on him. 

“baby, i love it here and i love you and i’ll never leave you until you tell me to,” san says, pressing a kiss to each cheek he prays tears don’t fall on in the next few minutes. “but i want you to be okay, love. i don’t want you to need me every night to sleep or think you need to ask my permission for things that are your choice.”

“is that- is that what this is about? that i asked you if i could go to school?” you ask meekly, the idea of talking back foreign but something you can’t control right now. “or is it because i’m in school?”

because maybe you’ve been too busy. maybe he feels like you neglected him. maybe he just wanted an out and this is it. 

“of course it’s not because you’re in school,” san says, slight outrage in his voice as you even suggest that; he always tries to control his responses to you, knowing you’re dealing with years worth of manipulative behavior and maltreatment, but sometimes it does also get to him. 

he was always supportive of your career and education, even when you were just friends and he admired you from afar.

“how could you think that?”

“because this is so random,” you squeak out, tears breaking through as the knot in your throat grows bigger. “i...i didn’t even know you were feeling this way and now you wanna stop seeing me.”

“i don’t wanna stop seeing you, y/n, when did i say that?” san asks, cocking his head to the side as he looks at you contemplatively. 

“you said you don’t want to be together all the time...” you mutter out, feeling stupid and childish but not yet truly understanding what he means. you guys don’t fight at all and you’re always smiling and laughing together - isn’t it okay to be together all the time if good things like that are happening?

“y/n, i love you, of course i wanna still see you. but i just mean...living together the way we have these past months. you’ve never been alone. you’ve always depended on someone, right?” 

you think back to your dysfunctional childhood, depending on alcoholic parents who never taught you how to fend for yourself until you fell into the arms of yet another abuser who you depended on even further.

restricted company and meals and communication, even restricted in what you could do outside the walls of your house. 

“yes,” you nod, sniffling as you wipe at a stray tear on your cheek. “but they’ve only ever hurt me. you never do.”

that fact makes san’s chest pang with hurt, his own eyes burning with tears now as he thinks about how much pain you’ve endured. 

“i know, baby, and i never will. but i think this’ll be good for us. good for you, mostly, that’s always my mian concern.” 

but you start to wonder how this could possibly be good the second the front door closes a few hours later, leaving you alone in your apartment that now feels far too cold and far too dark and far too empty. 

his lack of presence is noticable immediately and it doesn’t take long for panic and sadness and all that existential dread you once felt so deeply start to come on.

he doesn’t want you, nobody wants you, and the only people who did want you hurt you. 

it’s a mantra you repeat in your head as you cry silently, splashing your face with cold water after your puffy eyes can’t take it anymore. and when you get a good look at yourself in the mirror, tear-stained and blotchy and a big fucking mess, you can’t help but see that same girl who was trapped in that house with jungkook.

weak and afraid and horribly incapable of doing anything right. so similiar to the current state you’re in now, sinking down on the bathroom floor and crying into your hands again. 

this could be about san leaving, you know it has something to do with it, but you’re also crying because you now see just how badly you’re still effected by everything. 

you could be distracted by school and work and san but there’s still so much under the surface that you haven’t come to terms with. 

so much so to the point that even san had to step in and do something about it, him still seeing signs that you’re not okay despite how much everyone in your life is trying with you.

and it makes you feel bad that you have so many supportive, lovely people in your life but still can’t find it in you to feel okay. to not depend on one singlar blonde man to make you feel happy or act as if without him, you’re gonna break.

because you can see he’s tired of it. if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have-

“y/n?” 

his voice coupled with his fist hitting the door causes you to jump, at first thinking it’s a bittersweet trick your deluded little mind is playing on you. but then he knocks again, his sweet murmur of “y/n, please open the door,” causing you to cry out again.

hongjoong told him not to go, that he’d barely been home for an hour before he was already itching to rush back to you. 

but he felt uneasy leaving the way he did in the first place, and then even more so when you didn’t answer his three messages and two facetime calls; he hated thinking that you were crying alone or feeling upset. 

and it’s heartbreakingly evident when you reach up to open the door, curled up on the floor in tears, that that’s exactly how you feel. 

“baby, no,” san hums lowly, immediately dropping to the floor so he can gather you in his lap.

it’s so much like the scene when you ran there after the final incident with jungkook, when you collapsed on the floor and finally told somebody about what you’d been going through. 

what happened?" he asks desperately, voice strained and wavering.

but you can only shake your head and cry. cry for how long you've been dealing with this alone and how you feel trapped and how if you don't tell someone tonight.

"he's gonna kill me," you sob out as you shake your head frantically now, "i-i he's gonna kill me," is all you can repeat through ragged breaths.

san can only act on instinct, sitting down cross-legged and holding his arms out slightly before you crash into him. he shakily inhales when your head rests on his shoulder, sobs muffled by his shirt as he feels tears promptly soak through the material.

but he can only sit there, hand on the back of your head as he rocks you soothingly in his lap back and forth.

he listens to your sobs with a broken heart, tears stinging his own eyes because he had suspected something was going on for months and just sat here and did nothing. and now here you are, broken and bruised and in fear for your life.

"i can't go back there," you cry out, "i-he's gonna-"

"no one is gonna hurt you, anymore," he mumbles lowly in your ear, "i'm not gonna let that happen."

“you’re- you’re gonna leave me,” you whimper into his shirt, the only sound in your bathroom for the past few minuets your crying and his soothing hums. “you’re not gonna wanna deal with me anymore and leave and then i’ll really be alone and i’m so-”

“i’m not going anywhere. i’m not gonna let that happen,” he mumbles in your ear, his arms wrapped tightly around you as he presses his lips to your head. he rocks you back and forth so similarly to that night, his hand running up and down your back as he tries to get you to calm down.

“we’re gonna get you help. real help. and we’ll all be here for you whenever you need us. you’re gonna be okay, my love.”

one year later:

you look back at the breakdown in your bathroom and are always surprised that you don’t feel embarrassed.

you think that was the moment when you finally realized how much you’d gone through and how much you really had to sort through. that you could distract yourself all you want and depend on san as much as you felt you needed but you still had things to work through. 

it took you about four therapist consultations to find the right one, eventually finding a sweet older woman who reminded you so much of your boss at the cafe. she listened to you and encouraged you and helped you find so much strength within yourself, you regret not taking your lawyer’s advice sooner about seeing a professional.

you still had bad days, of course, but now you’ve learned how to properly cope with them. cope with the stressors of everyday life, like the shouting of voices and the slamming of doors and san not being by your side 24/7. 

and san, little to your surprise, had done the right thing in saying you needed to learn to be independent.

it scared you at first, living alone and being alone with your thoughts and memories that tried to haunt you every chance they got. but now your life is so full of happy ones that it makes everything a little bit easier; you now love the freedom of living alone and have come to enjoy the peaceful silences of your apartment.

you now have so many things to laugh and feel happy about, like mingi and seonghwa’s obsession with gardening (even though they’ve moved on to vegetables now and have yet to combat the battle with squirrels eating their tomatoes). 

you have school and classes and friends that you made, making straight a’s while also balancing time with your study group, the boys and mrs. kim and your official boyfriend san. 

there are still some days when you wake up and feel a sinking feeling in your stomach that you think might be there forever, a certain smell or certain pain richoetting through your body that will remind you of what you went through and survived. 

but you know that you’ll be able to get through it, not only because you’re strong enough now but because you still have san to lean on - the boy in question currently with his arms wrapped tight around your waist and snoring down your neck. 

you can’t help the small smile on your face as you turn in his hold, your finger reaching out to trace the contours of his face. 

the warm, overwhelming feeling in your chest should scare you but it makes you feel even more happy and content with life, shutting your eyes immediately when his brown eyes meet yours. 

his loud chuckle fills the room before he lips attack your neck, quiet giggles leaving your mouth that only spur the blonde on more. 

“i saw that,” he mumbles playfully, smiling against your skin as your giggles get louder. “good morning, baby.” 

you pull back and smile at the boy staring down at you lovingly, the late-morning sun beaming through your window reminding you so much of the first time you saw him. 

heard his sweet, friendly voice that you immediately trusted and probably fell in love with right there.

"those are coming out really nice!" you hear a voice say from the yard next door. 

you shoot your head to the side to see a young man standing there, probably about your age, eyes kind and dimples poking out of his cheeks as he holds an overflowing white garbage bag.

your lips quirk up ever so slightly, probably being mistaken for your mouth twitching before you give him a tiny bow.

"thank you."

tag list: @mochibabycakes​ @atinyarmyx1​ @middle-of-a-wonshua-sandwich​ @minbinwhore​ @chrryhwa​ @chogiout​ @marksflvr​ @bunbaebae​ @markleeyeosang​ @inkigayeo​ @nlost21​ @toffee-hwa​

#the italic flashbacks always get messed up on mobile!!! #srry hope its not confusing #san #san angst #san fluff #ateez #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez scenarios #san scenarios #ateez imagines #san imagines

[cocosstories]

Damien Haas One Shot

Can I request a Damien Haas x Reader where Damien proposes to reader? I don't know, I just want some fluffy fluff about my boi

It was supposed to be just a normal day. The smosh crew was filming a new Eat It Or Yeet It and your boyfriend Damien had invited you to come along.

As you get to the Smosh offices, Courtney comes bouncing up to you.

"Y/N! I'm so glad you're here! Thank you for agreeing to do the show today!"

She says and you give her a confused look before looking over at Damien.

"Um babe, what is she talking about?"

Damien sighs.

"Thanks Court. It was supposed to be a surprise but we are doing a special episode of Eat It Or Yeet It today. A couples one. You, Sam and Claudio are going to join me, Olivia and Sarah."

He seemed a bit nervous as he explained but you chalked it up to the fact that he kept the true reason you were joining him at work a secret.

"Ok but I swear if I eat something nasty, I will kill you."

After thinking about it for a few seconds you agree, deciding maybe it could be a little fun.

Courtney and Damien look at each other with a knowing smile before he ushers you off.

It was a couple of hours before the show was set to shoot and you spent it hanging out around the office while Damien did other shoots for the channel.

Finally,it was time for the Eat It Or Yeet It shoot and you were beginning to get nervous. This wasn't your first time being on the Smosh channel but for some reason, this one felt different.

Damien leads you into the room and the two of you sit at the table, waiting as Claudio and Sarah and Sam and Olivia join you and filming begins.

"Welcome to Eat It Or Yeet It! Today we habe a special episode for you today. Its a couple challenge. So everyone please welcome Claudio, Sam and Y/N."

The room was full, pretty much anyone and everyone from Smosh there to watch. You note Shayne, Keith, Noah, Kimmy, Jackie and Tommy have joined the normal crew as spectators to witness the torture that is this particular game.

"Alright so just like last time, the guys will be ringing the bell for the girls and the girls will be ringing the bell for the guys. As always, we have the Garrett care station in case you get something a little icky. Here is some bread to coat your tum tums and while you do that, everyone watching should like and subscribe and hit that notification bell!"

Courtney runs through her opening monologue in her quirky adorable Courtney way.

"Ok who's hungry?"

She leaves camera view for just a moment to grab the first 'food' and places it in the middle of the table.

"Alright ladies, you will be choosing for the boys. Ready? 3 2 1."

After one Court pulls the lid off the plate, revealing An interesting looking plate of ravioli like pasta with a pinkish color sauce.

You look to Damien to get an idea of what he's thinking about this dish and plan to go for the bell.

Sarah beats you by a millisecond and Claudio becomes the first victim of the game.

Two rounds later and Damien still hasn't even gone for the bell for you. You were getting even more anxious as you realize this meant not only were you taking 'the big bite' but Sarah had already gotten a good food so you were screwed.

Courtney brings out the covered plate and sets it on the table. The countdown begins and Courtney lifts the lid, revealing a very homemade looking chocolate cake.

You swallow hard as Damien hits the bell and Court slides the plate towards you.

"Alright Y/N, big bite now."

She laughs and the room falls silent as your shaking hand grabs the fork and goes in for a bite.

As you try to break into it, the fork hits something solid and you look up a bit confused as you pull out a small box.

"What's going on?"

Your heart begins to pound when you realize Damien is no longer sitting next to you but down on one knee on the floor. He reaches up and grabs the box off the table and takes your hand.

"Y/F/N Y/L/N I have loved you since the first time I saw you. I know that sounds a little crazy but its just the truth. I knew from the very first time we met that you were going to change my life. I knew if I was able to get you to just give me a chance, I would never let you go. I'm nowhere near perfect, I would never claim to be but with you, its something I strive for everyday because that's what you are in my eyes, perfection. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to the man that you deserve so if you will have me..."

Damien stops and opens the small box, revealing a beautiful diamond ring.

"will you be my wife?"

The tears blur your eyes as he spoke, the room around you was silent as he finishes and and waits nervously for your answer.

"Yes! Damien Christian Haas I will marry you!"

You jump up from the chair and into his arms as the room fills with applause and chatter. Damien places the ring on your finger and you kiss him deeply before being reminded that they were still filming.

"Well guys I think Y/N wins the game! Leave a comment below to say congratulations to Damien and Y/N!"

Courtney ends the show as everyone behind the camera swarms you and your new fiance.

#damien haas x reader #Damien Haas one shot #Damien Haas #cocos stories

[binniesthighs]

call me babydoll | reader x chan

a/n: chapter threeeee here it is!!! hehe thank you all for being patient for this update and thank you as always for giving this fic your love!! i start out the first part of this chapter in 3rd person which is a lil different, but i wanted to try it out! hehe i love hearing what ya thought of the chapter too! 😊

Pairing: self insert, female reader x bang chan 

Genre: action, mystery and suspense, fluff, smut, angst 

Tags: (of this part) bodyguard au, secret agent au, royal au, moderndayprince!chan, secretagent!reader, secretagent!jeongin, secretagent!jisung, collegestudent!seungmin, skz side characters, 3rd person for the first section, adventure and mystery, action and peril, plot driven, running out of time, slow-ish burn, growing feelings, sexual tension, explicit language, mentions of food, brief talk of gaining weight while travelling, there’s a few spoilers hidden in this one...can ya find them? ;) 

CWs: blood and other wounds, shooting at a convenience store, thoughts about death and dying when in peril 

Word count: 5.6k 

Parts

ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR

Two years of pocket change and Seungmin had finally saved up enough money to afford to study abroad. It had nearly taken him life and limb, and he might’ve suffered (1) concussion from a bowl of soup being thrown at his head, but, he had done it. 

With grease stains on his sneakers Seungmin traversed the long and stretching corridor of the airport terminal with his backpack strapped onto him tightly. The air smelled different here. It was fresher than he was used to--coming from a large city center--everything here felt more pristine. Outside of the tall glass windows, airplanes lifted off into the sky like massive metal giants. He couldn’t remember properly, but the last time that he must’ve been on a plane, it likely had been when his mother...

Seungmin shook the dusty and cobwebbed ideas out from his head. 

No more sad thoughts. 

I’m gonna like it here. He thought to himself, then clipped the little buckle to his backpack straps over his chest with a determined huff. 

I’m really going to like it here. 

With his phone in hand, he tried his best to decipher what the signs said above him. Mostly, they looked like a jumbled mess of symbols, but luckily he had spent some time trying to learn the language between shifts and sneaking peeks at his little dictionary under the diner counter. The whole terminal buzzed with a lovely kind of energy, and he was thrilled to get to know it better. The first wonderful thing about travelling abroad was that no one knew who he was, and he could be whoever he wanted. In this new land, no one knew him or anything about the dingy little apartment that he had lived in. No one knew about his less than honorable roommates or the debt that he had put himself under to go to college in the first place. 

I could be a prince for all they know. 

Seungmin liked that idea a lot. 

His stomach grumbled as he passed by food stands, however he hadn’t had the chance yet to change his currency, so he knew that he would have to wait just a minute longer. Seungmin had been assigned a host family by his college, and he hoped like crazy that they would be the kind to cook for him. Seungmin had heard somewhere that kids who go on study abroad gain a ton of weight at first...but he didn’t mind. Where else would he get the chance? 

There had been a host father that had sent him an email a couple weeks ago--that he promptly had to run through Google Translate--who told him that he would meet him outside the main luggage claim area after his flight landed. Seungmin had tried to look up and see if his host family were on social media, but he could find no such profile of theirs. He decided it probably was better that it was a surprise. 

Seungmin lugged his two large suitcases out to the summer air of the new and strange land, and it finally hit him. Standing on the solid ground of another land thousands of miles away from his home, it was really all happening. 

The landscape outside was like that of a movie scene: rolling hills and jagged mountains capped with snow, adorable little homes built into the countryside and tiny cars with horizonal license plates. The sun was warm in the cerulean sky that puffed with perfectly white clouds. On the air, the scent of flowers wafted, and he was certain that there was a lake nearby too--he had researched it. There were old men in their caps with a crook in their back, and ladies with long floral skirts and dresses with Mary Janes. Each of them had smile lines on their faces and under their eyes as if they had all lived lives well lived. There were pretty girls too with slender legs and delicate arms swaddled in light scarves. 

Seungmin wouldn’t have minded getting a girlfriend on this trip. While he kept the fact to himself, Seungmin had never really done anything with a girl before outside of some awkwardly handsy kissing in middle school. Maybe this time around, he would finally get his chance: he had read somewhere that girls often like foreigners. 

“Seung Min! Seung Min?” A man’s voice called. 

The young college student whipped his head around in the direction of the sound, finally finding a middle aged man with salt-and-pepper hair with whiskers of the same color. He had red cheeks and a large nose, and looked a bit like a character from a comic. Seungmin waved back, greeting his new father. When they met, the older man threw him into a large hug with a chuckle. He smelled a bit like Tabaco and old leather. He had a couple missing teeth, but that didn’t lessen his bright smile. 

“English?” Seungmin’s host father asked. 

“Yeah! I can speak English.” He returned with a welcoming grin. 

“I thought it would be good for us to speak English since I don’t know your tongue and you don’t know mine...meet in the middle?” 

“Thank you for coming to get me!” He said, handing the man his suitcases which were just a bit too big for the tiny trunk of the car that looked as if it had come from the 80′s. In the end, they decided to put his bags in the backseat. 

The man beamed with smiling eyes. “Of course...son!” 

Seungmin gave him a little bow, “Heh, thank you.”

“Get in the car! You must be hungry right? Long flight?”

“Oh yes, it was really long.” 

“You will eat well here! Mother knows how to feed well. She will put meat on your bones. She did with me!” He guffawed out with hearty laughter, and Seungmin already knew that he would really like this man. 

“We have a room ready for you back at home, and I will show you tomorrow how to use the buses. Okay?” 

Seungmin nodded with a bit of rose to his cheeks. He found his hand wandering down to his arm which he pinched at lightly--cliché as it was. His host father coughed and the engine sputtered, then they took off away from the sounds of jet engines to the countryside which was scattered with churches with protruding steeples and all kinds of homes with red-orange roofs and perfectly symmetrical windows. Seungmin couldn’t help but keep his eyes glued to the window as they drove on to take in the whole scene. Never had he seen a place so beautiful or magical looking. They drove on past a crystal clear lake that stretched on and on to the base of a mountain appearing to claw at the heavens, and adorned in emerald green pines and other deciduous trees. If it was even possible, he had never seen greener grass in all his life. 

“Beautiful, eh?” His host father said while tuning the radio. 

“It’s amazing.” The young student said in his amazement. “Oh, do you know if there is somewhere I can change my money? I don’t have any of your money yet.” 

“Ah!” The older man said with a wink. “I know of a place. I can take you there first.” 

The radio hummed with a static fuzz as Seungmin’s host father messed with it, skipping over the channels, blurring the music and the talk radio all together. 

Seungmin tried out the best he could to make out the words he knew, but even then he didn’t focus too hard, not when he had all this to take in. 

Mad....crime....joke...violence in the South...drugs...unknown...information...hiding...red... 

“Ah!” His host father called out after changing the channel once more, “I love this song!” He held his chest with an affectionate grasp. “The song of my homeland!” 

Seungmin whipped his attention back, trying to listen to the song that sounded anthem-like, and was sung by what sounded like several men harmonizing. Seungmin tried to focus on the melody--it was nothing like he head heard before. It sounded very...honorable. 

The small car whipped up to what looked to be a gas station on the edge of the town with one single pump and a little convenience store attached to it. In the window he read the yellow and black sign saying Currency Exchange. 

“This is what you need?” 

Seungmin nodded in his thanks then stretched his legs out once he exited, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Are you coming too?” 

The older man shook his head and took out a pack of cigarettes. “I’ll gas the car, you go in.” 

The young man gave his host father one more nod, then set fourth inhaling the immaculate summer air into his lungs. It was as if the very oxygen there held the vitality of life; he almost felt bad wasting it on himself. 

The door swung open with the tiny tinkling of bells and he entered to the smell of cured meats hanging on hooks along side the dry scent of the refrigerators holding their display of soft drinks with labels that he had never seen before. He chuckled a little seeing the giant slab of meat with twine hanging from the ceiling as such. 

“Free sample?” The attendant said while he picked his teeth with a toothpick. “Foreigner?” He added after looking Seungmin up and down. 

“Yes, and no thank you. But, can I exchange my currency here?” 

The unamused man nodded in the direction of the little kiosk in the corner of the shop. He went back to reading his tabloid where he slumped in a stool surrounded by an assortment of candy and cookies. 

Seungmin picked his mother tongue first on the little screen, robotic and green, thankful to see Korean for the first time in this new place. He navigated to the options screen. Behind him, the little bells tinkled to the shop door again, followed by the sound of the attendant scrambling out of his stool, metal legs scraping the floor. 

The student turned his head around in the commotion, taking in four very strange looking customers. Firstly, they were all covered in blood in one way or another, and each of them wore clothes--pajamas from the looks of it--which were shredded, torn, and blackened by something that might’ve been soot. Three men and one woman, and they all had a bit of a crazed look to their eyes. Clearly, none of them cared that they had walked into the store looking as such. 

Seungmin pressed his body to the corner of the shop, as if this could make him invisible. The attendant cowered behind the counter with a series of scared sounding whimpers. 

“Wh-what do you want?” He asked in his native tongue with quaking breaths. 

One of the men in the group wearing a flannel with chocolate brown hair threw open one of the fridges, took out a water bottle, cracked it open, then greedily slugged the liquid down his throat. 

“Pay the man, Fox.” He said to a man with pure white hair and shattered glasses. 

The man with white hair and glasses nodded, digging through his pockets. The man with the flannel then proceeded to revenge the place, opening up snacks and shoving the cheesy dust into his mouth with gluttonous moans and crunching loudly with an open mouth. Had he not been doing something as unsavory as such, Seungmin thought that he was pretty handsome, and somewhat familiar. The other three simply stood and watched as he did so calmly, and surveyed the shelves themselves after a moment. 

The attendant clocked Seungmin with fearful and confused eyes and Seungmin truly didn’t know what to do besides melt into the corner with the currency exchange kiosk. 

A man in running clothes ran a hand through his deep brown hair, then turned to grab several first-aid supplies in his hand. Seungmin noticed that he had a horrible gash over his eye that crusted and bled into the white of his sclera. The woman approached the attendant with arms crossed over her thin camisole that was stained a number of different colors which Seungmin didn’t want to identify. He noticed that she was only wearing white socks that were nearly stained green. 

“You do currency exchange right?” She said with a bold kind of confidence. “EGP?” 

The attendant shook in his boots, then pointed a trembling finger at Seungmin. The young man nearly felt his heart stop. The woman had stern eyes that were bagged with exhaustion, but that didn’t make her any less intimating. While she too looked a wreck, there was something about her so cold and threatening that Seungmin felt like crumpling up into a ball. Over it all, she was startlingly beautiful too. 

“Are you done?” She asked him kindly, and Seungmin struggled to get out a feeble “yes.” Of course, he hadn’t actually drawn any money out yet, but this seemed to be the best answer. 

The man in running clothes dumped a large arrangement of goods on the counter with an emotionless expression: coffee drinks, shooters of alcohol, gauze and tape, Band-Aids, anti-bacterial ointment, gum, a couple lighters and toothpaste with four tooth brushes, combs, several bottles of water, sour candy, and, oddly, condoms. 

The man with white hair came behind him to provide the cash to pay, and the attendant rang the odd group up with nervous glances to the man in the flannel who destroyed the store further. That man laughed maniacally as he popped open the plastic packaging to a pastry, then shoved in as of much of it as he could, smearing white cream over his lips. 

“Bee!! You have to try this!! A day driving through the woods and this is fucking fantastic!” He jumped up and down like an ecstatic toddler--but this was a strange juxtaposition to all the blood staining his arms and the fabric of his flannel. 

“Have some decency, Your Highness.” The woman chided, then held out her hand as the bills dispensed from the little machine. 

“Your Highness?” Seungmin muttered, not really understanding why he was still in there in the first place. 

“Fucking scam.” She muttered. “Is this all that you have??” She growled at the attendant. 

“It’s a little thing!! What do you expect??” He stammered with hands thrown in the air as if she had pointed a gun at his head. 

“F, tell Carroll to wire us when we get to Egypt. This’ll barely get us a place to stay.” 

“When I get internet access, sure, I’ll try my best.” The man with white hair said with an edge to his voice, sarcasm clearly giving it a type of bite. He then took to shoving all of their goods into plastic bags since the attendant had been too fearful to do so. He slid a few spare bills onto the countertop. “This is for everything that he ate.”  

“Do you have a bathroom?” The woman demanded, and the shopkeeper nodded, giving one more fearful glance to the college student. 

“Is there somewhere around here to get clothes?” The man with running clothes asked. 

“I-In town, a couple minutes in--” 

Outside of the little store, the sound of tires screeching on cement screamed, and all four of the strangers whipped their heads in the direction. Seungmin jumped too at the sound, and held his backpack to his chest tightly as if it were some kind of safety vest. 

The four strangers gravely exchanged terrified glances before throwing their bodies to the floor without a word. 

“GET DOWN!” The woman screamed, and in milliseconds, the rapid-fire crack of machine gun bullets came shattering the glass of the convenience store. 

Seungmin too threw all of his weight to land on his stomach on the cold linoleum floors and pressed his cheek against it while his ears rang. Tiny shards of glass pricked at his hands, but this adrenaline didn’t even let him feel the pain. He was certain that he must’ve been hyperventilating, because the room had started to spin among the relentless sounds of metal shells hitting the ground and metal shelves being upended from the force. The room filled with the smell of dozen different kinds of foods as packaging was ripped open and food and drink came spilling to the ground. The shopkeeper whimpered out loud prayers in his native tongue while he hid behind the counter. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as three of the strangers whipped out hand guns from their waistbands and knelt down behind the remaining shelves to shoot back at the black van outside. 

Seungmin pinched his arm with eyes shut. 

He wished he hadn’t. 

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. He bit the words into his lip. 

“Hey kid!” The man with white hair growled at him. “You okay?” 

While the two of them looked nearly to be the same age, this other man with snow white hair seemed to know what he was doing, so Seungmin decided to take the smallest bit of solace in that over the deafening sound of bullets. 

“I-I think so?!” 

“Keep your head down!” He said with gritted teeth, then angled his gun with a squinted eye. 

“Bee??? Bee?” The fourth man with the flannel cried. 

“Head. Down.” She said while firing more shots. 

The room filled with a thin haze, and Seungmin covered his ears with bloody fingers. 

The strangers fired their guns until there was nothing left, then escaped hiding behind the shelves with heaving chests. The young man had curled up into the fetal position, mouth feeling deathly dry with hot tears streaming down his cheeks. 

Seungmin didn’t know that he had gone on this trip for his life to end. 

How fucking cruel fate was. 

His body shook, and he clung to his bag for dear life, waiting for it all to end, and for his time to come. Seungmin would’ve thought that in the moments before he had died, he wanted to think of all the good things that had happened in his life, but, he was disappointed to find that all he could come up with was fear. 

“Did you get a look at him?” One of the strangers yelled on the other side of Seungmin’s muffled ears. 

“NO!” One of them barked back. 

“He was wearing the crest!! The red!!” The woman called out. 

The world was black behind his eyelids, but anything was better than the scene that was actually unfolding before the terrified college student. Soon, the sounds faded, and Seungmin was then really convinced that it had finally happened. This was it. He was even still scared to open his eyes. 

A grip at his arm pulled him up. 

“You okay? They’re gone. You kinda blacked out there for a second.” It was the woman had pulled him up to his feet. 

His head spun seeing the carnage of the destroyed store, and the student became dizzier by the second. 

“I-I think I’m about to black out again--” His knees felt week and his vision blurred. 

“Hey! Hey!” One of the other strangers, the one with the running clothes scooped him back up and gave a light pat to his face. “You’re alright! See?” 

Miraculously, Seungmin really was unscathed. 

“Who-who are you? Who...who the hell were they? What the FUCK was that?” 

The four of them exchanged glances once more, communicating some kind of silent understanding between all of them. 

“What’s your name kid?” The white-haired one said as he put his gun back into his waistband. 

“S-Seungmin?” 

“Ok Seungmin, there’s a lot going on here that you really shouldn’t be aware of, and there's a lot of answers that I can’t give you, I just need to to trust me, alright?” 

“O-okay?” 

Now that the shop was devoid of windows, the summer breeze came blowing into the store--an odd contrast to the mess that was made all over the glass shards and food. 

“You’re safe now. They’ve gone. No one can hurt you.” 

“A-are you sure about that?” 

“We need to get going. I don’t know why the hell they leaved when they had us cornered, but we can’t be here for long.” The man in running clothes said with a tentative bite to his lip. 

The woman nodded. “You’re right Two.”

“What do we do with him though?” The man supposedly named Two said, motioning to Seungmin. 

“D-do?” His eyes widened to frightful full moons. “D-do????” 

“We take him with?” The man in the flannel suggested and shrugged. 

The woman rolled her eyes. “You don’t call the shots on stuff like this, Your Highness.” 

“H-Highness? What??” Seungmin blabbered. 

The man with white hair snatched the young student’s bag from his hands. “You got a laptop in that bag of yours?” 

“--H-HEY!” 

He man pulled out Seungmin’s dismal Chromebook that he had also saved several months for. 

“Hm. This will do.” 

“I guess we don’t have any other choice...” The woman rolled her eyes. “Introductions later. They could be coming back.” 

“Hey, HEY!” The shopkeeper yelled, then rose from his hiding place to look in despair at his destroyed shop, and his aging cured meat slab stuck with bullet holes on the floor. 

“We’ll take care of it all. We apologize.” The man in the flannel bowed deeply. 

Sunlight stung Seungmin’s strained eyes, and he realized that he had completely forgotten about his host father in his little car from the 80′s. To his surprise, the little car was nowhere to be seen. 

“M-my dad??” He said under his breath, also realizing that all of his belongings had gone with the man too. All he now had left to his name was his passport, a spare set of clothes, his laptop, and a couple school journals. 

“Get in.” The man named Two said while throwing open the door, but then gave him squinted wink. “Been to Egypt before?” 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

“This mission is fucked.” Jeongin muttered to you, voice echoing slightly in the cobblestone alley. 

“Yeah, it certainly seems like it.” 

You fiddled with you new blouse. It was two times as itchy as you had expected and two times as expensive, but you had been desperate. With all of the spare supplies destroyed in the bombing, you and your partner had found yourselves hopelessly empty handed. 

“Carroll is gonna have our asses. Fuck...” Jeongin slicked a hand through his hair with a bandaged arm. “We can’t take that kid to Egypt with us!! We already have to be on high alert for the prince...and now this??” 

Your partner threw his head back incredulously against the brick wall, then stopped to watch the rest of the group sitting outside of the café and garnering odd glances from passerby's. 

“Well what the hell else to do we do??” 

Jeongin shrugged, then looking to the side shamefully. “You...know what the protocol is. We can’t stay here to watch over him until someone from the agency comes...and, we’re running out of time...White Rabbit is waiting for our correspondence..” 

“Absolutely not.” 

The poor young kid, naïve as he was, you couldn’t but help but feel bad for him. Not only was he all alone out there as he had explained, it appeared as if his host father had made off with all of his things too. It was hard to not pity the kid. 

“Y/n, you know that he’ll only drag us down. If we take him with, his life becomes our problem. If he dies, we’ll have to answer to whoever his family is and we both know that could get messy. We already have a mission: get the intel, then get the prince home. Not take that kid along with us for the joyride.” 

“You’re forgetting that they’ve seen him with us now. He’s associated with us. If we leave him in the dust, there’s gonna be an innocent kid dead in a foreign land, and it’ll be our fault for letting that happen. Do you want that to happen?” 

Your partner sucked at his teeth in thought for a moment, then groaned out. 

“I really fucking hate this babysitting thing.” 

“It’s the three of us and the two of them. The odds are still pretty much in our favor.” 

“It’s still dangerous odds.” Jeongin threw his hands onto his hips, then paced the length of the alley for a small stretch. “As of now, you’re assigned to the prince. Forget about the kid, Two and I will worry about him. The prince is the priority. If shit hits the fan, don’t even think twice, take the prince and get out. Okay? You should never leave his side.” 

You nodded in agreement, feeling a sneaky sense of pride. After all of the chaos and the uncertainty, Jeongin was really coming into his own. 

From the little patio where the others were, it looked as if Chan and Seungmin were getting a long swimmingly. You assumed that it had something to do with shared trauma. Weirdly, Chan had taken to the young man like a bit of a pet. Knowing all that the prince was going through, it made sense...perhaps this also could’ve explained why he had kissed you more than once. Anyone in his position would’ve acted as frantic as such--at least, this was what you had convinced yourself. 

Two sat with the two men wearing thick black sunglasses to hide his gnarly eye wound, sipping espresso. Jeongin started walking back towards the group when you grabbed at his arm. 

“--Wait, I need to talk to you about one more thing?” 

Your partner’s rather gaudy Hawaiian-themed shirt flapped in the breeze. “What’s that?” 

You drew him in closer. “What do you make of Two? He doesn’t strike you as suspicious?” 

“Suspicious? Why?” 

“I-I don’t know...it’s just a feeling that I’m getting. We know next to nothing about him--” 

“--But isn’t that how this goes? We’re not supposed to know things about each other? That’s the point? He’s stuck with us this far...and...” 

A couple passed by the two of you with linked arms, and Jeongin stopped his thought out of distrust of the two of them listening in. 

His voice lowered even further, “If Carroll trusts him, so should we.” The young man nodded, then patted your scratched shoulder. You winced, and he quickly apologized. “It’s...fine that you’re suspicious. Its best for us to be, you know?” 

“Expect the unexpected?” 

Your partner dished out a little eyeroll, “Yeah. Something like that.” 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

It was as if His Royal Highness Prince Chan had never seen the inside of a public airport before. Everything was just so novel to him, and he gasped out at all the little trinkets and tchotchkes. 

As excited as he was, he still tried his best to keep a solid composure under his disguise: a cap, a hoodie, and thick framed sunglasses. The royal didn’t look the most non-descript, but you figured that it was better than nothing. 

The young kid sulked seeing the inside of the airport once more, as he had claimed that he had just left from there. You still didn’t know what to make of him all the way, but at least you could tell that he had a good heart. While in the car he told you and your companions how he had saved up all this money to travel, studied the language and arranged to go to school here too. While all of his plans had been thwarted, at least the kid was still getting to travel...with a price on his head...but still...he was getting to travel. 

Now that Jeongin had been able to contact HQ thanks to the kid’s computer, everything was arranged. Flight tickets, sleeping arrangements, supplies and Bun even knew that you were on your way. You had little desire to see that man considering how you had heard that he was one to live up to his eccentric reputation, but there was little other choice. Jeongin’s words ran through and through your head, “If Carroll trusts him, so should we.” 

Over it all, it was the prince who had worried you most. He was out in the open, and undoubtedly whoever those bastards were with the red crests would be close on your tail. Your neck strained with a pain that only seemed to grow stronger with every corner that you turned to ensure that no one was there. While the handsome prince liked to joke about how his life was on your hands, it was much more serious than that. 

You had seen the fear in his eyes that night--it was so tangible that you could practically hold in your hands. He was a man terrified of death, and he knew that he had little control over it. You had control over it, but you knew that you could only stretch yourself so far. 

Your group of five neared your gate in the international terminal lined with several dozen different kinds of multi-colored flags. You situated yourself between Two and the Prince on one of the thin teal chairs with flattened cushions. Chan tapped his hands on this knees impatiently as he inspected the place. 

“Kind of exciting isn’t it?” He said with a tiny grin. 

“What?” You moved to look at him with his obscured features. “Exciting?” 

“Yeah, you know, travelling together. It kind of feels like an adventure. I mean, they’ve got a gun to our heads, but at least we’re together right?” 

You scoffed, simply amused at how he had taken the severity out of the situation. It was clear that this prince knew little about the concept of perspective. 

“I’m not following.” 

“I get that...we need to be careful, but who said that we can’t, say, enjoy the journey?” 

“You’re saying that you want us to have fun while we’re running for our lives?” 

The prince smiled. “You know that I like having fun. That and...I’m just trying to be optimistic.” Under his cap, he slicked his brown strands back. “The three of you seem to be so tense all the time. Obviously, that can’t be good for your health--” 

You cracked out with laughter. “You’re being ludicrous, Your Highness. We have to be on high alert at all times--” 

“I said, that you could call me Chan, remember?” He rather languidly spread out his legs in his seat, removing his glasses for moment. “How about, when we go to Egypt, I take you out somewhere nice to eat? We can relax, talk, get to know eachother more--” 

You raised your hand up to silence him. “--If this is just a ploy to get me alone, I politely rescind the offer. Here I was thinking that you were concerned about all three of us...” 

“--I am!” Chan quickly piped, “I-I’ll take you all out for dinner! But...but...you’ll have to allow me to take you out for drink then. Just the two of us. I still hold to my word of wanting to get to know you.” 

The prince’s face was puffed and bloated, and scraped with little pink and red cuts, but nothing stopped him from pulling out his signature charming and persuasive grin. 

“Try to kiss me again, and I won’t hesitate. You might be royalty but I don’t ca--” 

“--Hmmm no promises.” Chan then cut in, his grin turned even more indulgent while you watched him inspect your frame in that god-awful scratchy blouse. 

Next to you, Two let out a particularly amused sounding scoff of a laugh. 

“Forward as ever, Your Highness.” Jeongin deadpanned, then buried his nose in his coffee and newspaper once again. He hadn’t gotten to finish doing so earlier. 

Seungmin, the young student stifled his own laughter which then gradually got louder and louder. “I can’t fucking believe this. Me. Kim Seungmin, the most normal-ass person in the whole world with you four: a fucking prince, secret agents...and now we’re going to Egypt??? Egypt???” 

“Why does that sound like the set up to a shitty joke?” Two popped a bubble he had blown with the gum from the convenience store. Turns out he actually had a bit of a “gum habit” as he called it. 

“Settle down kid.” Jeongin said without his eyes leaving his paper. “You’ll make a scene.” 

The prince yawned, sliding his sunglasses back on. 

“I never really did end up getting as much sleep as I would’ve liked.” If you could’ve seen his eyes, you would’ve then seen him eye your shoulder. “May I?” he politely asked. 

Rather than giving him an answer, you rolled your head around as if to say do I need to? 

Chan let out a happy little hum after resting his head on your shoulder, nuzzling in slightly. 

You met your partner’s side eye, and he repeated for you, I really fucking hate this babysitting thing. 

“Thank you Bee.” Chan softly muttered, almost too quiet for you to hear. “I really do owe you everything.” He was careful at first, but he reached out his hand to rest it atop of yours. While the action made you twitch at first, you remembered how the same action had calmed him in the van when you had escaped the gala. 

You told yourself that you were just being nice. 

The young kid pulled out a journal from his backpack and started scribbling something, Two popped a bubble, snapping it on his unnaturally white teeth, and Jeongin sipped at his coffee. 

This really was the set up to a shitty joke. 

A woman cleared her throat over the intercom and announced, Flight C1180 to Cairo will be boarding in one hour. Thank you for flying with us today. 

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses! 

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @eunaeiekim @lunarskzzz

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