#But as an adult going through an impossible situation with next to zero support or care I'm having to come to terms again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tellerluna-stories · 1 year

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episode 07: away from home and back again

CONTENTS: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. m.list!

TW/CW: none!

A/N: annnd welcome to the final chapter, dear readers! thank you for following this storyline to the very end :''))) I'm happy you all enjoyed thoma and mc's shenanigans, and i hope that you keep the message of this story close to your hearts <;33

Your legs flew faster than light, carrying you across the field in a flash. People stopped and stared as you rushed past, but what were they gonna do, stop you?

You ran, and ran, and ran, and ran.

(Meanwhile, you were only one millimetre away from having a complete meltdown over… whatever had just happened. Listen, it wasn’t your fault that you had zero knowledge about how to deal with this!)

The only time you slowed down was to briefly scratch Taroumarou behind the ears, for he had been waiting outside of the gate. Hey, you still had your priorities, even when you were supposed to be running away from all of your problems.

But no matter how fast you ran, your racing thoughts swiftly caught up to you— you could no longer tell if your heart was pounding because of the complete overload of cardio or if it was thanks to Thoma and his way of words. Perhaps it was both.

‘As more than friends, in fact.’

Gritting your teeth, you ran even faster, no longer caring about where you were headed. Anywhere would do just as long as you could ignore how your heart threatened to burst out of your chest to take flight, or those ridiculously impractical butterflies that swarmed in your chest cavity like a swarm of hopeful pests. Really, just what were you they hoping for?

You slowed to a stop, the dead leaves crunching under your feet.

There you went again, running away from Thoma. Why did you always run from him? Why were you so afraid of him, of allowing him to treat you gently and cherish you so?

Overhead the branches rustled, sending scattered shafts of sunlight and falling leaves tumbling down from above— in contrast to your muddled state of mind, the world around you was serenely peaceful. And to top it all off, your legs had brought you to the crosswalk where you and Thoma had apparently first met. Talk about the irony.

“Unfair.” Crouching down next to a nearby lampost, you buried your burning face into your knees. “…So unfair.”

When you had promised yourself to support Thoma’s decision no matter what, you had not anticipated this. Everything was wrong, wrong, wrong— your armour of rationality was long-lost, leaving you to face your raw emotions alone and defenseless. The only sliver of comfort you could find was in the fact that there would be no cars using this road today, because the last thing you wanted was for the whole world to see you curled up like a disgruntled millipede beside the road.

The butterflies swarmed in your chest again, fluttering with the promise of hope; somehow you’d achieved the impossible and actually won the fifty-fifty percent chance of having your feelings returned. For some inexplicable reason, you… actually had a shot. At something.

“It was so much easier to think rationally when I wasn’t the one going through it,” you complained to the sky. “Can I take back all of my previous complaints, please?”

The sky remained helpfully quiet— well, you supposed that that was what you got for asking for change without even considering whether or not you were prepared for it. However, it did not make the situation any less frustrating.

“I never even expected to get this far! Now what am I supposed to do?!”

Woof!

“Taroumarou, wait for me!”

Your head snapped to the direction where that all-too-familiar voice came from— oh, you just couldn’t catch a break, could you?

Briefly you contemplated your options; the first one was to continue running away. And the second was to actually face your problems like an adult.

(Just kidding! You only technically had one option, because if you ran any more you were pretty sure you would keel over and die from overexercising. Shame on you for not giving your all in P.E. class.)

“Taroumarou…” The footsteps slowed to a stop, that voice of honey-sunshine trailing off into silence. You didn’t need to see him to know what was going on.

Taking a shaky breath, you silently accepted your fate; just like that, Thoma had found you once again.

You whirled around to meet a masterpiece straight out of the Romantic period– a work of art with golden hair gently tousled by the wind, his emerald eyes brimming with surprise. Faintly-flushed lips that had just barely managed to form your name before trailing off into reverent silence, and a school uniform in colours that matched your own.

(Somehow, the picture before you gave you a sense of deja vu.)

“I, uh– hi.”

“Hey.”

You both stood there awkwardly for a minute or two; the silence was so thick that you could’ve heard a pin drop.

(Well, except for the faint sound of whining that could be heard from behind Thoma– most likely the sound of judgement from the Boss Dog. Sorry, Taroumarou!)

“If it’s about what you overheard me say earlier, I…” He swallowed thickly, averting his eyes. “Well, it’s uh- that’s definitely not how I wanted to tell you. But if you’re uncomfortable with it—”

“No!” Your voice comes out louder than you anticipated. “I mean– no. It just…”

Oh, nothing. Just that you found out that all your unrequited pining wasn’t so unrequited after all. You, the former matchmaker who knew how to counsel any sort of relationship except your own and now had absolutely zero knowledge of how anything worked anymore because according to your predictions for yourself, something like this was statistically impossible to happen and now all of your calculations were now aflame and burning to ashes thanks to one singular puppy-boy—

Something cold and wet rolled down your face, the salty taste lingering on your tongue; with horror, you realised that you were crying.

“Wh–” You swiped at your face hastily, trying to catch the falling tears before you embarrassed yourself any more than you already did. “Please don't misunderstand! I’m not mad at you or anything!”

“Then what’s going on with you?” Thoma pleaded. “Just tell me what’s wrong, please.”

“I…” Your voice cracked, the tears not stopping even when you willed them out of existence. Stupid tear ducts.

The look in his eyes was so simple, so honest that it made you want to crumble right into his hands, and you hated it. Every cell in your body yearned to finally yield to what you'd been keeping under lock and key for so long— speak up, you coward! Running away will only hurt him!

“Since when?”

He swallowed hard. “I’m not really sure, but I think… since the beginning.”

“What?” You nearly choked on the air mid-sniffle, which was not an ideal situation to find out exactly when your long-time crush had been reciprocating your feelings. “Like, when we bumped into each other in front of the classroom?”

“No, here.” Thoma chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “Since… ever since we met here. I didn’t realise it back then, but…”

He trailed off in silence, the rosy flush of his face speaking for him.

If you were going to be completely honest, you gaped at him like an idiot. This guy had had a crush on you ever since he first met you – an event that you barely remembered – and he… he…

You needed to clear your head and be sincere, or else you’d really lose your mind.

“...If I'm gonna be honest, Thoma…” You say softly, every ounce of honesty pouring into your words. “I'm terrified.”

No words could describe how afraid you were; you, who no longer had any more armour or defenses to put up. Like a reckless, well-meaning dog in a china shop, all of those had been destroyed by the gentle heart of the young man before you, leaving you in complete surrender. And no words would ever capture the absolute joy running through your veins when he chose to be with you over anyone else, when he chose to care for you even when he didn't have to.

…Which was really frustrating, considering that now you actually wanted to verbalise your feelings. Just where did your gift of speech go when you needed it most?

“I’m… really not the best with words. Or feelings. Or—”

“Hey.” Thoma interrupts you mid-sentence, raising his eyebrows in his signature ‘don't you dare start self-deprecating’ expression.

“Right. Sorry.” You cleared your throat. “I don't— I'm just…”

“... It's okay, you know.”

His eyes softened, that bittersweet smile spreading across his face like sickness. “Like I said, I didn't want you to find out that way because I didn't want you to be pressured. You don't have to be considerate of me.”

Eh…?

Your eyes widened— what was he saying?

“Once again, I'm sorry for tangling you up in all this,” His words sounded distant and murky, reverberating through the thick fog of your clouded mind. “Please forget about anything I said—”

Horror and panic flooded your entire mind as you realised what he was saying; no, no, no, no, wait that wasn't what you were supposed to tell him wait wait wait—!

“I don't want to!” You practically shouted at the top of your lungs and buried your face in your hands miserably, crouching down once more in dead millipede position as you cursed your terrible communication skills– why, why, why did you have to be so bad at this?! “I like you too, for crying out loud!”

Absolute silence.

“...Thoma?”

He didn’t reply.

Several minutes passed, and still no response; you mustered your courage to peep through your fingers and nearly choked on your spit. You really, really didn’t want to laugh in this scenario, but… Thoma looked like he had just gotten hit with a shovel.

Taroumarou silently padded towards Thoma and gently tugged on his pant leg, but the puppy-boy remained unmoving. No amount of tugging or nipping would budge the golden statue no matter how hard the Boss Dog tried– but from the way he seemed too familiar with the procedure, you got a feeling that this wasn’t the first time that Taroumarou had to deal with this.

Finally, Taroumarou gave a resigned whimper and raised one of his hind legs– your eyes widened in horror as you realised what he was about to do.

“Taroumarou, don’t!”

Thoma nearly jumped a foot in the air at the sound of your voice, snapping out of his daze at a most admirable speed; the Boss Dog retreated hastily, giving a reproachful sneeze as he skittered back to a safe distance. The miserable expression on his face had you silently apologising to Taroumarou for what must’ve been the hundredth time that day.

“Um.” Thoma blinked owlishly, a confused (and hopelessly adorable) expression on his face. “I- I didn’t mishear you, right? You said that…”

“...Yeah. I did.”

“Oh.” His eyes somehow widened even further. “Oh.”

“I- look.” You began, ruffling your hair in frustration. “I can’t word it properly, so I’ll be borrowing some of your words here. Do you remember the last time we were here and I asked you what it meant to be in- in…”

‘Thoma, what does falling in love feel like?’

Your spit caught itself in your throat again, nearly choking you to death from the power of sheer embarrassment. What had you been thinking?!

“In…” Thoma’s voice trailed off, a rosy flush gracing his cheeks– why was he the one blushing like a young maiden here?! “Ah. I remember.”

“Right! Anyways!” Your hands flailed around nervously till they found their place on the lamp-post, your nails digging into the metal. “I- I kinda get what you were talking about now! The whole flying-but-falling, afraid but not thing…” Your voice trailed off as you accidentally made eye contact with Taroumarou, who had slowly walked up to hover behind Thoma’s ankles.

Kill me now, said the Boss Dog’s expression. Please. Death would be more merciful than having to sit through this.

That death stare alone was enough to make you rethink every word that was about to come out of your mouth; no, you didn't want to admit that you were doing this thanks to a dog, but… he had a point.

You were hiding again, hiding behind words that Thoma had already used like the wretched coward you were, all because you were too afraid of taking the leap. But it was time for you to grow up— if he could manage being blatantly honest about his feelings (the horror!), then so could you.

Yes, you decided, squaring your shoulders and looking Thoma directly in the eye. The time had come for you to suck it up and say what you really meant.

“...Do you remember the day we became seat-mates?” You asked quietly.

“Of course,” He replied almost immediately. “How could I possibly forget?”

In spite of yourself, a soft chuckle makes its way out of you; it only felt like yesterday in your memories, but so much time had passed between then and now.

“I still remember how confused I was to see you there,” You continued, a wry smile working its way up your lips. “Back then, I didn’t care who or what would sit beside me in class. I just wanted peace and quiet.”

You thought of how lonely and grey the world had felt when you had attained your desired empty seat, completely lacking in the warm hues that you had become accustomed to. Fiery yet gentle red, a warm sunset orange, and yellow that shone like sunlight– for someone who had experienced such vibrant hues, returning to black and grey was a torturous existence. How could you ever return to a normal life when you had already experienced it in colour?

“...Yeah, I definitely didn't get any peace and quiet after that.”

Thoma winced visibly. “Sorry.”

“Hey, don't be sorry. It was a good thing because…” You hesitated for a moment. “...I was happy.”

You could admit as much, though that sentence alone would never be able to capture how elated you were, the dizzying joy that rushed through your entire being when you realised that someone genuinely went out of their way to spend time with you. That somebody saw you standing in the shadows and went to stand with you, slowly walking with you till you stood side-by-side in the light.

To you, the forgotten extra, the afterthought who was only remembered when needed— there were no words that could describe how precious that feeling was.

(Man. You had fallen even harder than you originally expected. )

“Even if I’m bad at showing it, I was really happy. The times we ate lunch on the rooftop, or when we'd walk home and laugh about what happened during the day…”

Your fingers twisted in the hem of your shirt as you chuckled, shaking your head in resignation. “And that's why I didn't want to say anything about it. Because I was so happy I was afraid I'd mess it all up.”

That didn't even capture one-fourth of how terrified and confused you felt; the concept of someone finding genuine interest in you as a person was so alien to you that you tried to push it away, running as fast as you can till your legs gave out. But all the same your heart yearned and bled for the opportunity to be cherished, for something to change in your closed-off, wretched mindset, for someone to see through your armour and understand.

“I’m scared, Thoma. It feels like I’ve been reborn, and it all started when I met you.” Your eyes prickled dangerously, warning you of the tears that threatened to spill any moment now. “Everything is so new to me, and it scares me so, so much— I’m terrified of change.”

Good job, whispered a part of your brain— and in spite of being on the verge of tears, the uncomfortable feeling in your chest slightly loosened, leaving you with your raw emotions. Your mind flowed freely, recalling so many precious memories and feelings that you had accumulated over all your time with Thoma; all were so dear to your heart that you wished you could hoard them away forever. In complacency you had hoped to preserve them in a state of eternal tranquility, but…

“...Me too, actually.”

“Hah?” You blinked owlishly, your eyes coming back into focus just in time to see Thoma flush pink.

“I mean– uh, well, I get you there!” He sputtered furiously, rubbing the back of his neck with the same charmingly awkward air that he always had. “I really, really cherish all the time we spent together, but I didn’t know if it was the same for you, and I was– I was…”

I was afraid, just the same as you.

For a moment you're struck with the sheer irony of it all— this all could have been very easily avoided if you had actually just communicated with each other and weren't actual boneheads when it came to subtle cues.

Was it still too late to launch yourself directly into the sun?

“...Looks like we were in the same boat all this time, huh.”

“Yeah,” Thoma replied. “I guess so.”

That's it?! You wanted to scream at yourself. You had wasted so much time dawdling because of your fears, and now you didn't even have the energy to say anything anymore.

Thoma didn't deserve this, no– this was why you had thought he deserved better. He shouldn't have had to carry the burden of a coward like you who couldn't even say anything when it mattered most—

“I… You should go.” You sniffed most unbecomingly, dabbing at your eyes with the stiff fabric of your uniform. “Sorry– sorry for just bursting out like this all of a sudden. It’s not like me.”

But he didn’t turn away; instead, Thoma stepped forward to the edge of the curb. The dead leaves rustled around his ankles restlessly, parting themselves to make a path for his feet.

What on earth was he doing?

“Thoma, didn’t you hear me?”

“I know.” His emerald eyes fixed themselves solely onto you, soft yet steady— the intensity of his gaze sent heat flushing to your ears and your face in a most unwelcome manner. And then Thoma stepped even closer, blocking you from view with his body. "Sorry, I’m- I just…”

Your grip tightened on the lamp-post, instinctively trying to steady yourself for whatever he was about to say.

“I…” Thoma cleared his throat, the faintest trace of pink colouring his cheeks. “I just want to be a bit selfish, even for just a little while. I want to keep this moment for myself."

His voice is barely above a whisper, one softer than the dreams of a sleeping child, yet those words rang louder in your ears than a thousand school-bells. If — and only if — your intuition was correct, then this moment was a secret meant to be shared with only two people, one as well-kept as a hidden gem of a bakery.

(The sudden recalling of a certain memory made you flush even hotter— was that what he had meant to imply that day?)

“Do you know how happy you’ve made me?” He asked, a gentle smile gracing his lips like no other.

“No, not really,” You managed to force out, your voice wavering from all the tears you choked down. “I have no idea what I’m doing. Please send help.”

Behind Thoma, Taroumarou put a paw over his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to watch (well in his defense, you wouldn’t have wanted to watch this either.) But Thoma did not cringe, no— he threw back his head and laughed.

His was a light, airy laugh that sang of freedom, of joy, and of release; this was the laughter of a boy who’d been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders but was finally released from everything that had been holding him back. It was the joy of a young man who now knew that there was no need for him to hide any longer, that the truth of his heart was one reciprocated.

And then when he finished laughing, he gave you a smile that said, 'Don't worry. I'll help you, no matter how many times it'll take.'

Your hands trembled, your nails digging into your palms as you struggled to process what he just said.

You were… messy. Inconvenient. A violent delinquent who couldn’t control your temper, someone who pushed away affection at every opportunity and ran away when confronted with your emotions. So why did he keep reaching for you? What about you made Thoma want to keep coming back?

“I’m not perfect either, you know.” Thoma smiled ruefully, rubbing the back of his neck. “I get stressed out when I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me, and I can’t tell when I’m allowed to say no and be myself. But I’ve learned a lot, all thanks to you.”

Why are you the one saying that to me? You’ve taken the words out of my mouth, you wanted to cry out. Unfair, unfair, unfair.

“It always feels like home when I’m with you. Studying with you, eating with you— even if it’s just walking with you, I feel like I’ve finally come home.” He continued, fiddling with the hem of his shirt nervously. “Even if I feel nervous and unsure of myself, at the same time I’ve never felt safer. And it sounds rather selfish, but… I want to be able to give you that same sanctuary.”

The leaves fell to the ground silently, all the world quiet as if holding its breath to hear your response; Thoma shifted nervously, clearly more flustered than you’d ever seen him before.

His flush deepened. “If- if you’d let me, of course. Is it okay if I keep doing that, even when we’re old and grey?”

The tight, uncomfortable feeling in your chest suddenly released without warning, and your weary heart cried out in relief. You didn’t have to run away anymore.

You… didn’t have to run away anymore.

There was no reason for you to swallow your feelings down till they bloomed in your lungs like poisonous flowers; no, there had never been any reason for you to suffer in silence at all. You had worried for nothing when apparently he had always, always been looking at you– all this time you had been someone special to him, someone more than a funny sidekick or someone to set him up for his next character arc.

Tears ran down your face undisturbed, the warmth reminding you that this— all of this, was real. Thoma was real.

(And there was also that obnoxious little part of your brain screaming “VICTORYYYYYYYY!!!!” at the top of its lungs, so yes, this was definitely real. You would never have daydreamt that annoying shriek up, whether deliberately or not.)

Your legs ached to run away once more— but not away from Thoma, for the first time in this entire time period of knowing him and liking him. You wanted to run towards him and be caught up in his arms – or catch him up in yours – and cry. Or laugh. Or anything would do, just as long as it was with him and him alone. You wanted to make up for all the times you ran away from his sincerity out of fear, mistaken his kindness for some ulterior motive thanks to your never-ending paranoia.

Let’s go home, whispered your prodigal heart.

"Wait, stay there." Your voice trembled. "You're always the one who comes to find me. This time- this time…”

I want to be the one who goes to you.

His eyes widened slightly in confusion, but the puppy-boy nodded in acknowledgement.

Taking a shaky breath, you eyed the wide stretch of asphalt that stood between you and Thoma— a divide that you had put there in the first place, but who was to say that you couldn’t remove it?

Your foot trembled as you took one faltering step forward, planting your shoe in the center of one white stripe of the crosswalk. Courage, that was all you needed.

I’m not good enough for him, said a nasty, hateful inner voice. Three steps and not a single reply, for such folly was beneath your attention.

This won’t work out, said another. You ignored it and took another two steps forward.

I don’t deserve to be loved like this. Ouch, that one hurt— four steps forward, because you were feeling petty.

He waited patiently, just as he always did; the fading sunlight danced in his eyes of emerald, dazzling your world with the light of a thousand unshed tears. For a moment you remembered an old film based on a true story, one that told of a loyal dog who also sat and waited for someone special in his life.

You’re almost home now, said the look in Thoma’s eyes. Don’t give up yet, please, please, please.

A small part of you sighed and wondered what you had become— someone who was practically wrapped around the finger (the paw?) of an insolent puppy-boy, a reserved individual whose heart melted and now yearned for someone who shone like the sun. Realistically, you could have just run away once more and avoided dealing with this.

But the reason why it was called falling in love was because it meant that the other person would catch you, knowing that you would do exactly the same for them. And you wanted to become someone who could do exactly that for Thoma.

You prayed for strength, for bravery to see this through to the end; if you wanted to be that person for Thoma, then you would need courage. No matter how many times your legs trembled on this road, no matter how many people tried to tell you this and that, you could not run away. You didn’t want to run away this time.

One step, two steps— just a little further, you told yourself. You just needed a little more courage to brave your journey to its end.

One last step forward, and you held your breath, hardly daring to breathe as you allowed him to envelop you in warmth. A part of you still wondered if it was a dream, but that faint, familiar scent of laundry soap, the unprecedented warmth that bubbled up in your throat… you could never have dreamt that up in a thousand lifetimes.

“…I’m here, Thoma.” Your voice trembles ever so slightly.

He smiles and buries his face into the crown of your head, stroking your hair with a tenderness that you now knew was reserved only for you. “Welcome home.”

From a distance, Taroumarou watched as his subordinates embraced in a mess of tears, a satisfied almost-smile on his fluffy face. This entire ordeal had been ridiculously drawn out and could’ve been avoided if they had just communicated properly, but… the Boss Dog supposed that all was well if it ended well. You could only be a pup once, and as long as his subordinates were happy, then he was satisfied too.

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skyblue-ringpops · 3 years

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A Deep Dive Into Blaine Anderson

I wrote a six page essay analyzing Blaine Anderson.

Click to read it, I would really appreciate if you did. Keep in mind - it’s long.

I hope you enjoy, and feel free to share your thoughts!

Warning: There will be discussion of neglect, abuse, homophobia, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, and sexual assault.

When we were first introduced to Blaine Anderson, he was made out to seem like Kurt’s mentor, very confident and open to being himself. It wasn’t long before he changed, and many would say that change was for the worse. As many people say, he became whiny, clingy, and, according to many of his critics, annoying. However, it isn’t hard to see that Blaine was struggling mentally, and these issues were never explored further. This essay will not only determine what he was going through, but explain possible causes and effects.

We first meet Blaine at Dalton Academy, confident, accepting of himself, someone for Kurt to look up to and be guided by. But why does he suddenly change after season two? He isn’t being himself at Dalton, he’s being the way he’s expected to be. The Warblers all seem to have a similar presence that captures the spirit of the academy - formal, wise, confident. That fits the personality of season two Blaine. Why is he acting this way, though? There’s a few possibilities. One, he’s trying to fit in. Everyone else in the academy acts that way, and Blaine doesn’t want to stand out, he wants to fit in, something he wasn’t able to do at his old school. Two, he could have a mentor at the academy that he’s trying to act more like. Blaine is the head Warbler, but he isn’t the authority in the group. That role would likely belong to Wes or David, one of the members of the council. It’s possible that Blaine admired them or was inspired in some way, and tried replicating their behavior. Three, he could have been ashamed of his actual personality or feared nobody would like his true self, and tried hiding it either to fit in, as I said before, or to make Kurt like him. I personally don’t think this is the case since he took off his mask once arriving at McKinley. I think he was likely trying to fit the image of the academy, hoping it would prevent the bullying he faced at his old school. Although Dalton had a zero tolerance policy, he likely faced some trauma, and a simple policy wouldn’t be enough for him.

So, what happened at his old school? Blaine said that he and his openly gay friend were jumped at a Sadie Hawkins dance at their school, leading Blaine to transfer to Dalton. This affected him quite a bit, and it was shown multiple times. While at the prom with Kurt, Blaine seems protective of him at times and isn’t too sure they’ll be safe. The chance of this being his first dance since the Sadie Hawkins is very high, it’s no surprise that he’d be afraid, especially knowing that Kurt had been bullied in the past. After Tina very awkwardly asks Blaine to the Sadie Hawkins dance and gets rejected, she apologizes, thinking he said no because of his past experience. We know he said no because of his crush on Sam, however, I don’t believe that’s the only reason. He knew Sam wouldn’t feel the same way, and he knew Tina would have been willing to go as friends. Even if it wasn’t the main reason for him rejecting her, his trauma likely played a role in it.

alton Academy was a place of refuge for Blaine. He went there after the bullying, he made friends, he met Kurt, the Warblers were probably the closest thing he had to a family, he almost went back after his very hard breakup in season four. It wouldn’t be hard to believe that Dalton saved his life, which I’ll get more into later. When the academy burns down in season six, it’s clear that he was very affected by it. He’s brought into the auditorium clearly upset, crying, quiet. When explaining what happened, he seems distant, sort of zoned out. Chances are, he watched the academy burn - many agree it is a boarding school so even if it wasn’t during the school day, it’s very likely he was there. But the fire probably happened during the day, it makes sense since there would be something that could have caused it. Even if he didn’t witness the academy burn, he would have seen the results of the fire, even if it was just in pictures. The academy was clearly important to every student, they did what they could to respect it. Blaine has an extra reason to hold it so close, That would almost definitely add to his trauma, especially since it was a place that meant so much to him.

The Warblers were the closest thing Blaine had to a family. What about his parents, what about Cooper? We met Cooper and Pam, and his father was mentioned. However, in a deleted scene, it is confirmed that Blaine’s parents weren’t present in his life, they were too busy with work. Cooper and Blaine didn’t have much of a relationship, due to their age difference. Blaine’s father and Cooper aren’t even at the wedding, although it wasn’t originally his. There was a deleted explanation for Cooper’s absence, he had a callback for an audition. The only explanation for his father’s absence was also deleted - an implication that his parents got a divorce. It’s hard to say the effect this would have on Blaine, it was deleted so we never saw his reaction, and we don’t know if it even affected him much due to their absence. Also, it’s more than likely that Blaine raises himself. In flashbacks, it’s shown that he didn’t have the best childhood. We see Cooper teasing him and not letting him play, and we see him play Operation by himself. Chances are, he raised himself. He probably had nobody to raise him, no role models. We know Blaine didn’t have the best relationship with Cooper, we saw in the episode Big Brother that, although they seemed to make up at the end, Cooper never really supported Blaine and constantly criticized him, and Blaine seemed jealous of the attention Cooper received. These problems have probably always existed, and could even be traced back to their parents, if Cooper got more attention or praise. Their parents were absent for most of Blaine’s childhood, but due to the age difference, we can’t definitively say the same for Cooper. As for their father, he isn’t talked about much, but Blaine does tell Burt that his father used to fix cars with him in an effort to turn him straight. Now, this is only based on what Blaine says, it’s possible that he just assumed this and his father’s intention was simply spending time with his son. However, even if that is the case, there has to be some reason for Blaine to assume this. Whether his father made homophobic comments in the past, reacted badly to Blaine coming out, or explicitly said he had an issue with Blaine’s sexuality and/or wanted to “fix him”, or if his father never actually did anything, and he assumed the worst because of something done by someone else, there has to be some reason for him to think this. His mother does seem to be the better parent, at least she shows up once and he doesn’t have anything bad to say about her. But that doesn’t mean she was all good, and just observing her behaviors at the wedding shows this. First of all, she’s shown dancing with Puck, which must be weird for Blaine. Imagine seeing your recently divorced (although I’m not sure if we can consider the divorce canon since it was deleted, making this situation even worse) dancing with one of your classmates, who’s only a year older than you. This next point isn’t canon, it’s more of a possible scenario. His mother seems to be acting drunk at the wedding, and is one of the only ones to appear that way. Again, not confirmed. But if that is the case, imagine this scenario - Blaine’s mother hardly being present, and drinking when she is. First of all, this would make it much harder for the two to bond, since she probably wouldn’t be focused as much on him. Second, there isn’t much she would be able to do for him, so he wouldn’t have a responsible adult around if he needed one. And third - again, this is entirely speculation - it could potentially have a negative influence on him. While it definitely doesn’t seem Blaine has a dependence on alcohol (it actually seems to be more of the opposite, since he’s apparently drunk after one beer in The First Time), it could have a negative influence on his coping mechanisms, shown when he and Dave Karofsky are explaining their relationship to Kurt, saying they met at Scandals. This may not seem like an issue, but remember, during season six, Blaine was too depressed to do much of anything, to the point of getting kicked out of NYADA, but still chose to hang out in a bar.

Speaking of his relationship with Karofsky, almost everyone agrees that he shouldn’t have dated his ex’s former tormentor, and many criticize him for that. But what was his reason for choosing to date him? There are a few possibilities. First, he could have actually had feelings for him, which I doubt. It isn’t impossible, but he clearly wasn’t over Kurt, and he knew how Karofsky used to treat him, although he changed. It is possible that Blaine was just taking whatever he could get, like after the season four breakup when he was finally able to move on due to a crush on Sam, likely developed out of loneliness. Also, his feelings for Dave quickly disappear when he realizes he has a chance to get Kurt back. Another possibility is that he chose to date Dave to upset Kurt, out of spite possibly, but Blaine doesn’t seem like the type to intentionally hurt someone he loves. He usually tries to take on the role of a protector, so why would he try to hurt Kurt, even if he was upset with him, especially knowing what Dave did in the past? The third reason, which seems the most probable to me, is that Blaine dated Dave because he was seeking pain or abuse. There’s a few reasons why he could have done this. One, it isn’t uncommon for survivors of abuse, which with his father, Blaine might be, to seek out more pain after their abuser has stopped. It’s possible that, if his father was abusive, he did stop sometime around season 6, since Blaine likely doesn’t live at home anymore and if his parents did divorce around this time, he may not see his father anymore. Two, it could have been a form of punishment. If he blamed himself for the breakup, he may think he deserves pain for hurting Kurt. He also could have been seeking pain in order to feel something. He was extremely depressed after the breakup and likely felt numb, and in his mind, pain would be better than that. Finally, he could have been with Dave thinking he couldn’t do any better or didn’t deserve any better. This could be a result of the breakup or his previous insecurities shown in season 5.

Now, let’s take a closer look at his insecurities. Insecurity is something that has been covered quite a bit on the show, but is typically done poorly. In Blaine’s case, his insecurity makes him jealous and many criticize him for that. When Kurt begins a more healthy lifestyle and gets in better shape, rather than being happy for him, Blaine becomes jealous, tries to reverse his progress, and turns to the internet because he doesn’t feel comfortable around Kurt. There are some suggestions that Blaine may be going through something many characters in the show face - the eating disorder that only lasts one episode. There are many implications that he may be binge eating at the beginning of the episode, and even after deciding he wants to get into shape, continues consuming a large amount of calories, seemingly using it as a coping mechanism. However, this issue was completely overlooked, just like many others throughout the show. He also says to Kurt, “One day, you’re gonna wake up and realize that ‘I don’t love him anymore.’” He has the belief throughout the episode that Kurt is better than him, and could do better. However, this isn’t the first time he has a mindset like this. When Kurt texts Chandler, Blaine accuses him of cheating despite doing something similar with Sebastian and seeing no issue with it. When Kurt graduates, Blaine worries that the long-distance relationship won’t work for them, he worries that Kurt will leave him. When Blaine meets Elliot, he confronts him for trying to steal Kurt from him, despite both of them assuring him they are just friends. Kurt hasn’t done anything to make Blaine believe he isn’t loyal or wants to leave him. It seems that Blaine has abandonment issues, which could be traced back to his parents’ absence. This would also explain his clinginess and dependence on Kurt. Even when Kurt isn’t around, he always seems to have one person he latches onto. For example, in seasons four and five, he’s hardly seen without Sam, and even in season six, when he seems to go everywhere with Dave and moves in with him very quickly, and the only times he is without them are usually when he is with Kurt.

Blaine’s anxiety is shown in more ways than just his abandonment issues and clinginess. For example, when Blaine is reconsidering his choice to audition for NYADA and instead claims he wants to be a doctor despite having no prior interest, he is avoiding a cause of worry, a common symptom of anxiety. He also shows signs of an anxiety attack during the shooting. He’s shown sitting quietly, crying, and hugging his knees. He’s okay at first, but later panics after being shushed. He most likely thinks everyone is mad at him for making noise, and fears that if anything happens to them, he will be blamed. When Ryder calls “Katie” and the phone rings, everyone tells him to turn it off except for Blaine, who can be seen mouthing “Turn it off please” but doesn’t make a sound, likely because he’s too scared to speak. He doesn’t move and is the only one to not touch anyone during the lockdown. Even when Sam is trying to leave, Blaine doesn’t help, just covers his ears and tries to block it out. This could be signs of PTSD. Throughout the experience, he seems almost childlike, for example, curling up, audibly sobbing, clinging to Sam, and being the only person to call his parents and greeting his mother with “hey mommy”.

Along with his anxiety, Blaine is shown to have severe depression, which is especially notable during seasons four and six, but likely existed even before his transfer to Dalton. He talks about being unable to sleep and eat after he and Kurt broke up in season six, and was even kicked out of NYADA due to his lack of motivation. He nearly transfers back to Dalton after the season four breakup, a place of refuge for him, because everything at McKinley reminds him of Kurt and he can’t handle it. He even shows signs of being suicidal in seasons three and four. Season four has less to discuss, he says a few things that suggest he either is or is becoming suicidal, showing signs of severe depression and acting as if he has nothing left. In season three, though, there is more to look into, and if you aren’t paying close attention, it’s easy to miss. Both examples are from the episode On My Way. The theme for regionals is inspirational, and Blaine chooses to sing the song Cough Syrup. The song is viewed as a cry for help from the band when they were first starting out and unsure what to do. However, the song is not about suicide. It’s about the difficult decision to stray from the norm and do your own thing, or do what is expected of you. In fact, upon viewing the episode, the band said they never thought of the song in that way. However, many listeners do think of the song as being about suicide, and we don’t know what Blaine’s interpretation was. Later in the episode, the club discusses suicide. Everyone makes eye contact, and when they say what they are looking forward to, everyone laughs and smiles. However, Blaine doesn’t. Rather than looking at everyone else, he looks down, rubbing his wrists, suggesting possible self harm or suicidal ideation. He looks sad throughout the discussion, and his only smile, towards the end of the discussion, looks very forced and his eyes still look sad. Due to his past, it wouldn’t be hard to believe he had thoughts of suicide at some point, whether before Dalton, or during seasons three, four, and/or six.

My final point will be discussing this article. The article points out some inconsistencies about Blaine and sex, from his open discussion with Burt, casually bringing up masturbation, his sometimes sexual song choices, the car scene after he and Kurt go to Scandals, and his talk about sexy faces, to his argument with Sam when he says he’s “not for sale”. He shows no discomfort most of the time, until one suggestion makes him become angry and defensive. His character did go through quite a bit of changes, which could be an explanation for his inconsistencies, mixed with Glee’s notoriously bad writing, but there is another way to look at it: some kind of sexual trauma during his childhood. The ability to have a mature discussion about it can be explained by his exposure to it at a young age if this is the case, since, depending on his age, he would probably need an explanation and a discussion with adults, possibly strangers, if he came forward about his experience. He could, depending on the trauma, view sex as a way to gain approval. And if his dad actually is homophobic, this could be directly linked with Blaine’s experience, with his father possibly believing his sexuality is a result of the trauma. The presentation of his trauma could differentiate every day, being perfectly fine with talking about it one day and not wanting to the next. This could also provide a bit more of an explanation for the car scene during The First Time, if Blaine’s experience happened at a young age and that was his first exposure to and therefore the foundation of his understanding of sex, Blaine may not realize when he goes too far. We know that, whether this theory is true or not, Blaine experienced sexual assault when Tina “vaporaped” him. He doesn’t seem too bothered by her, and she even becomes one of his best friends after it happened. However, the response to trauma I discussed earlier seems to be present. Sam brings up the event later on, meaning he knows about it, and since the chances of Tina or Kurt (the only other ones who know) telling him aren’t high (Tina because she wouldn’t want to admit to it, unless she slipped up like she did with Kurt, and Kurt because he wouldn’t want to reveal Blaine’s trauma), and the fact that Sam brought it up in front of Blaine, shows that he was likely okay with talking about it. He wouldn’t tell Sam if he wasn’t okay discussing it, and if they never talked about it, Sam probably wouldn’t casually joke about it in front of him. If Sam thought the comment he made was okay, he probably didn’t think it affected Blaine too much. However, when Sam brings it up, Blaine clearly looks upset. It did have a negative effect on him, and it was more than likely traumatic. And there’s a possibility that it may not have been his first experience with sexual trauma.

There is no question that Blaine had a rough past, and many of those struggles continue to affect him. However, the show, for the most part, ignores them. I hope that through this essay, you were able to learn a bit more about Blaine, understand his inconsistencies and behaviors that seem out of character, to look past the surface level. Blaine is one of the strongest characters, but his issues are hardly ever brought to light. Keep in mind, a lot of this is speculation, headcanons, or analysis of background information that may not have been scripted. Respectful discussion is encouraged, and feel free to share any additional observations, theories, or headcanons, or suggest another character for me to look into.

#glee #blaine anderson #deep dive #blaine anderson headcanon #blaine anderson hc #blaine anderson angst #character analysis #glee blaine #klaine #blam

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''the heretic anthem'' by slipknot

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tired-college-student-writing · 4 years

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Here we go Loopty Loo pt 3

Summary: Graduation was supposed to signal the final time they all spent time together at UA, to show they have all grown into the Heros they dreamed of being.

It was supposed to be, but when has anything ever been easy for class 1-A?

AN: A Yagi central chapter for the big guys big day!

pt1

pt 2

pt 3 (HERE)

pt 4

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Loop #12

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Looping was… odd to say the least, even after so many years, they had yet to find a point of origin for their travels through time and dimensions.

Shouta and the students were making it through the best they could but the man could help but feel increasingly isolated.

Every single one of his students were partially his children at this point. Though he wasn’t going to admit that to their faces, he was fairly certain from the grins he got when he grouched about them they had guessed how he really felt.

He supported them throughout the trials and hardships of being stuck as high schoolers for nearly forty years now. They had plenty of happy, sad, uncomfortable, and embarrassing moments between them at this point, especially when the dorms ended up being built each first year.

He stocked them with enough candy, soda, and junk food to give them all heart attacks by twenty-five if they ever broke out of these damned loops, but also encouraged healthy eating ad spent more of his own money on keeping fresh produce and food in their kitchen then he was willing to admit.

He trained them passed what he ever had before, knowing that while their skills and abilities reverted each time they returned back to the start, the knowledge and muscle memory stayed and he wasn’t going to allow them to slack no matter how much he wanted to. It didn’t mean he was above treating them enough that Mic and Midnight had accused him of going soft more than a few times.

He allowed them more freedom then he used to because he knew they weren’t as naive as they once were, turning a blind eye if they brought alcohol back to the dorms, or got up to some ‘extra training’, though he took a certain twisted glee in forcing them all to sit through the safe sex talk each time they switched genders. He was not dealing with any of them getting pregnant, even if it meant throwing condoms at the red faces of his children and talking to Recovery Girl about getting the girls on birth control.

Even so, he felt so far separated from the students that were sixteen years younger than him. He was the adult, the only adult in this situation. Sure he was making sure to keep his relationships with his friends and lovers in every timeline they ended in, putting in the effort to be a good friend and allowing a few more of his walls to fall around them then he ever would in the original timeline, but there was only so much that could be helped when he could discuss the strain time traveling was having on him.

Sure he could talk to the children but… what kind of father was he if he put his own problems onto the kids that were just doing their best to stay afloat? He was their support, they didn’t need him breaking down on them to weigh them down further.

That’s how he found himself in bed at 3 am, on the first day of school, trying desperately to go back to sleep before he needed to go see the brats for the ‘first time’ all over again.

Had he slept in his bed the first time? He couldn’t remember, though he would appreciate it if the switch didn’t happen at ungodly hours of the morning.

Finally, at 5:30 he gave up and slowly made his way to the school. If anyone asked he could just claim that he had covered a patrol the night before and curl up into his sleeping bag until he had to be down in class 1-A at 8:45.

He tried to think over the changes to the timeline, as he entered the school, memories of this timeline crowding around his memories of the original and subsequent timelines, though he found himself fidgeting with his capture weapon in a way he hadn’t since high school, seems as if he never kicked the habit after Mic teased him one too many times this go around.

Everything seemed to be similar enough to the first timeline based on his memories with a few minor changes, he and Mic weren’t dating, this go around, but were still good friends. He had almost not made it into the hero course his first year due to taking second in the Sports Festival, but it was found out during the break between semesters the kid that beat him had cheated and was subsequently demoted to Gen Ed while Aizawa has been moved up. He still worked with vigilantes, though he was more friendly with them then he originally was.

Nothing too major for him to keep in mind about himself then, what about recent events?

He recalled watching the entrance exams, seeing the students through an overly critical eye, making snide comments he hadn’t truly believed since the third loop, he can’t think of any major changes from his kids, except… Midoriya…

He hadn’t shattered three limbs this time, had he?

No, if he remembered correctly the boy had actually managed to wrack up a mediocre five points from the robots this time from a lance and throwing knives he seemed to summon out of thin air before the Zero-pointer had appeared. He had still launched himself to impossible heights by a pair of wings that seemed to be made of light and blasted the robot back with a bolt of pale green lightning before passing out. Recovery Girl said there was nothing she could do for him but let him sleep. He hadn’t bothered to check up on the boy after that, not knowing him yet.

Whatever his power was it was powerful, but was it still One for All?

It didn’t seem like it. That would be new, not seeing the boy cultivate the power bestowed upon him by All Might.

But now that he thought about it he couldn’t remember the meeting introducing All Might to the staff including the truly mind breaking revelation of the man’s true skeletal form… was it possible that he never got injured… Was he still the Yagi that Aizawa had started treasuring as a friend almost as much as he did Hizashi, Nemuri, and Tensei?

His answer came sooner then he thought when he entered the staff room, blissfully empty at this earlier hour, only to hear a quiet sob from the adjoining bathroom. He slowly worked his way over, mind racing as he tried to figure out which of his coworkers could possibly be having a mental breakdown before the first day when he started making out the mumbling.

“-do this. It’s just a bit different than times before. You just need to… make friends again and find a way to train Young Midoriya to be your successor again… or is his current quirk to different? Damnit can I still give it to him without the other teachers growing suspicious? … I can’t give it to someone else… even if he’s not the same… it’s always been him…”

Yagi was… what did he mean by again? He couldn’t possibly…

“Stupid Stupid Stupid. Why are you even looking for a succeeder? I have a lot of life left in me now, I’m only 49… I really am pathetic, huh. Even now...”

The sobs were becoming too much for Aizawa to listen to without intervening, he had to know…

All Might jumped and whirled around to stare at him with wide eyes as Aizawa stood in the doorway. The tear tracks and red rim eyes worried Aizawa but he couldn’t help but notice the man in front of him wasn’t quite filling out his suit, even if it wasn’t quite as noticeable as it usually was, the shadows around his face receding almost entirely and his iconic bunny ears were gone, framing around his face in crinkled strands instead.

“Aizawa-kun!” He squeaked, scrubbing his face harshly, attempting to paint his famous smile back on, “I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here for another hour… I’m sorry that you had to witness me like this, it seems I was more panicked about teaching then I-”

“Toshinori,” He cut in causing a startled gasp to escape the man, who he couldn’t recall ever telling them his true name this timeline, “If I said the names Eri and Overhaul, what would you think of?”

The number one hero stiffened, hands clenching next to his legs as his shoulders shook.

“A very sweet little girl that needs saving and a maniac that harmed Eri-chan because of his quirk. How would you describe them?”

Aizawa couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his cheeks, “My daughter that I never get enough time with, who loves apples, Deku, Mirio, and to braid my hair with purple ribbons, and a sociopath with a god complex that despises quirks.”

All Might’s legs gave out after he started describing his little girl, sinking to the floor with another sob on his lips.

“You’re stuck too,” He whispered, as Shouta came to sit next to him, “You’ve been going through these damn loops just like I have.”

“Number 12,” He agreed, “You’ve been through this alone?”

The man nodded, but a real smile was already pulling his lips upward, “But, we have each other now, right? We don’t have to be alone anymore!”

Aizawa didn’t fight a smile, “Optimistic as always, you damn sunflower.”

He laughed, “How can I be upset? I’ve just received the best news I’ve had since this entire thing has started!”

“I don’t know,” Aizawa huffed, “I think finding out you still have your stomach and lung is pretty good news.”

“It came with the price of Young Midoriya knowing me, however,” He sighed, a sad tinge entering his words, “I prefer the constant pain to not having my boy being with me.”

“Well…” Aizawa drew out, “I don’t know if that’s entirely true.”

When Aizawa marched into class with the number one hero in tow, the students all froze, Kaminari snatching up the eraser to erase the words he and Bakugo were already writing on the whiteboard Momo must have created when she arrived. A glance over the room confirmed that all 20 students were there.

“Hello Class,” He greeted with a slight smirk, “I would like you to meet Yagi Toshinori, or as you know him better, All Might, he’s Looper number 22.”

That’s all it took for Midoriya to launch himself out of his chair and leaping across the room into his mentor’s arms, who caught him on instinct as he looked like he was about to start crying again. Aizawa had done his best to help Izuku through the strain of being so close yet so far from his mentor as he went through the motions of getting to know him over and over again even though he already knew the stories of One for All and All for One down to the finest detail and knew Yagi enough that he had called him dad in almost every timeline they had been in so far. From the tight hold Yagi had on his successor, and the gentle way he cupped the back of his head, it was clear the strain had been mutual.

The others stood back, eyes wide as they kept looking back between the hugging pair and Aizawa.

He merely sighed lightly shoving Yagi’s shoulder, “Get in the room idiots, unless you want to explain why you’re hugging a student you should not know in any fashion.”

“Easy,” Todoroki offered, “Just claim you’re his secret love child.”

Midoriya groaned, pulling his face from his mentor’s neck, “I told you for the last time, Shoto. I’m not biologically related to All Might!”

Yagi just laughed, withheld tears causing his voice to be raspier then anything, “Well…”

Aizawa smirked, “Oh? Do tell Toshi.”

The man moved Izuku to one hip rubbing the back of his neck with his open hand, “Two loops… or maybe three loops ago, Young Midoriya was my biological son, though Inko made me promise to not tell him until he turned 18, even after finding out I was training him to be my protege. I decided it didn't change the bond we were forming so why did it matter?”

“Oh my god,” Deku whispered, “I can’t believe your conspiracy theories came true.”

“I’m not really surprised by anything anymore when it comes to these damn loops,” Shinsou sighed getting a groan of approval from around the room.

“Enough talking,” Aizawa snapped, “Y’all know the drill by now.”

Yagi raised an amused brow, “Y'all? It looks like I’ve rubbed off on you a bit my friend,”

“Shut your star-spangled mouth, I want to get this over with as soon as possible so I don’t have Midnight and Mic pounding down my door to ask why I’m going so easy on the class.”

Mina snorted, “Like they didn't think you tried to adopt us all by the second month in the original timeline.”

“Detention for slander, Ashino,” He called as he walked to the front of the room, cuffing her lightly on the back of the head as he passed.

He forcibly had to stop himself from rolling his eyes as he sees the whole class grinning up at him as he leaned on his podium. All Might having sat on his desk with Midoriya still fused to his side.

“Okay since Katsuki and Denki are leading this thing this time you get to explain to All Might what’s we do every time we start a loop.”

The kids launch into a quick explanation as Katsuki rewrote all the rules again and copied down the major changes they had noted already.

Midoriya’s new quirk, Astral Weaving, was in the number one spot, but under it was also a few changes about families and old classes. Most interesting was how Shoto was still in contact with Toya but was pretty sure based on his looping memories that his brother was still Dabi.

“I got nothing to add,” Aizawa hummed turning to his coworker, “Yagi?”

The man just smiled before smoke began rising from his form, causing Deku to blink as his seat only shrunk slightly.

“Holy Fuck!” Sero cried, causing the entire room to be up in arms, awe, and happiness rushing through them to see their teacher was okay for the first time since they meet him.

Aizawa didn’t even try to lessen the smile on his face as he saw the first real All Might patented grin, not just a facade, not just the fake plastered on one that never seemed to reach his eyes that he had gotten so used to seeing since the beginning of the loops.

Surrounded by his friend and their kids, Aizawa could finally see the silver lining again. ___________________________________________

Taglist: @i-like-fairytail-and-stuff @plaguedoctorsnake (I’m so sorry for forgetting to tag yall in pt 2)

#bnha #boku no hero academia #aizawa shoto #yagi toshinori #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shōto #mina ashido #all of class 1-a #execpt for the grape #angst #time loop #time travel #Yagi isn't hurt #Midoriya has a quirk #dadmight

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kae-karo · 5 years

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[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

#advice

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aurimeanswind · 6 years

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Let’s Make Up—Sunday Chats—4/22/18

So last week I had a Sunday Chats all written and done, and while writing the last two closing paragraphs, my web browser crashed and Tumblr, being the platform with apparently no fail safes at all, completely lost all of what I wrote. I was initially going to just rewrite it the next day or the following Wednesday (my next day off) but then life happened and to be perfectly honest I had what we call in the biz a godawful week, so it didn’t happen. I apologize, I took your questions and selfishly coveted my answers when you had taken your time to submit them, and I am very sorry for that.

To make up for it, this week I am answering all of last week’s questions IN ADDITION to the few I got for this week, so hopefully it’ll be jam packed. Luckily I didn’t have a big editorial thought-piece ready for last week, so for this week...

The 10 out of 10

So I’ve been playing God of War, as I’m sure many of you readers have been, and I’m delighted by it in so many wonderful ways. But I think the reviews definitely set an expectation that is really impossible to meet. I’m not treading new ground here, I think that’s safe to say (as is usually the case with my writing) but it’s just the thought I’ve had the most playing God of War.

I think you get this idea that it’s a series of incredibly brilliant moments that tie together beautifully, and while I think much of that is true, a lot of what you do in God of War is run around and fight dudes. As great as that is, I’ve only had maybe two big moments in my ten or so hours with it. But the quality of what I’ve seen so far just gets me excited to see what moments I have coming up, especially since at this point, I really have absolutely no idea what the hell is going to happen next.

What i think gets understated in such a masterful score is just the sheer volume of production value poured into every inch of a game. I think that’s something that’s hard to convey across an entire review, let alone just a score, but boy, there is just a ton of polish and excellence throughout the game, from the small animations, to how Kratos always grabs a cliff’s face and doesn’t clip through it.

It’s really excellently made, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying it as much as I am.

What’s on Tap

So I finished Kingdom Hearts 1

I re-beat this game again, finally going and doing all the additional content, like synthesis, extra bosses, grinding to level 100, etc.

I dunno... I think Kingdom Hearts is great but its “post-game” content is really underwhelming. I think none of the bosses are truly “special” in a way that they are in Kingdom Hearts 2. They don’t have these strategies seared into my mind, at least.

That being said, the design philosophy in KH1 versus its sequel is so completely different and fascinating. It’s far more Metroidvania in its intent to have you backtrack and re-explore already searched areas. It feels almost like it’s from a completely different franchise.

Like... There is ZERO platforming at all in Kingdom Hearts 2. Like, none. I can’t think of a section where you have to jump from a thing to a thing, except maybe the extra dungeon they added in the Final Mix version.

It makes me hopeful that maybe they’ll revisit some of these ideas in Kingdom Hearts 3 but eh. I doubt it.

Kingdom Hearts 2 on Critical

I started this and it’s about as frustrating as I anticipated. It’s not terrible or world ending, as its essentially just Proud mode difficulty with half your total health.

But I’m about to fight Xaldin in my playthrough so basically it’s all downhill from here.

God of War

So yes, I’ve been playing God of War. It is indeed, a video game.

I mean it’s really great. I talked about it a lot on last night’s podcast if you want some more detailed thoughts. But here are some standouts:

The combat is labored in a way that makes it so much more intense and significant. Of all the things that remind me of The Last of Us, it’s this aspect. It’s the intensity of each hit, the feeling of desperation in every slam and slash, and the violence that goes with it feels justified in the God of War universe where it absolutely never has before.

I get a ton of Darksiders vibes from this game, specifically Darksiders 2. The way it introduces side areas, side dungeons, side puzzles, and especially chests, reminds me a ton of how Darksiders approached formulaic Zelda ideas. It works very well here.

The Axe is, of course, excellent. But I’d say it isn’t the throw of the axe that works, it’s calling it back.

The ambient dialogue between your characters feels pulled straight out of a Naughty Dog game, and it feels so derivative of that that it makes me like it a bit less that I’d personally want to. It just feels almost exactly the same, just with different characters, and so far, outside of Kratos and how “deals” it dialogue, there isn’t enough separating it.

Overall very good. I will eventually be writing a review for IrrationalPassions.com. Look for it someday.

Questions

Remember to look for my tweet with the hashtag #SundayChats every Sunday afternoon, reply to it with your question, and boom. That’s how the magic happens.

Last week’s questions:

Ya know last week I’d have a different answer but I’ll revisit that later. In short: stuff is happening. I’m trying to live my life. Trying to do good. Failing a lot, but I’ll keep trying.

I’ve been crazy busy too. I feel like this is the year I am trying to teach myself different and new things, whether they be on a technical level, or maybe software, or something else along those lines.

Thank you for the kind words. As for the future, I think there is another question asking a bit of something like this, but it’s trying to stay busy and trying to make bigger and better moves. Like, E3 I think is out of the question, but PAX West isn’t, and aiming for something like that is really exciting and it gives us a lot of new options and opportunities. Plus, we’ve been trying to have actual meetings on the reg about what we’re doing and what ideas we have.

A big one that Scott White has been spearheading you’ll probably know more about by the end of this month, and there are some new shows and new styles of pieces I think we are all trying to do. As for me, I just want to get better with video stuff, with supporting the team, and with GA, as that’s my main new project.

I like milk. I drink milk, by itself, or in chocolate form, pretty regularly. I’ve been at a restaurant with friends and asked for a glass of milk and everyone laughed at me. I’ve since never done that.

Milk is good.

I mean the biggest one was assuredly The Messenger, which is like, my #1 most anticipated. But I was lucky that my team got to go out there and see stuff and present it to me with cool thoughts and perspectives on all of them. Like, Solo sounds super cool and I want to see more of it, and City of Brass wasn’t on my radar at all but seems really cool. Mike convinced me to see Omensight and that’s just a really rad new entry from a team I didn’t think had it in them.

I mean, I don’t even really know who Kid Rock is. I mean I know of him, but eh. I’ve never heard his music before a day in my life. I hear he is like, not good? Like, not a good person, not necessarily a bad musician. But I don’t want to assume. Is this libel? Am I getting black balled out of the industry right now?

Also you look hella cute Roger. So proud of you.

It absolutely was not. A big thing was I was planning on getting a 4K TV, and since I had the Xbox One X I was happy with just that and then the HDR that my original PS4 could reach. But there was a good deal and if I was already investing so much I wanted to get the most out of my TV. So I swear to god if a PS5 comes out next fall I’ll be pissed.

Brian. Nabeshin. Jackson. So I can know what it feels like to be the nicest dude in the world and also a great uncle.

It’s really sad. But also nice since I can be alone again. But also sad.

A bit of a mixed bag.

Pretty much anything in Final Fantasy 15 looks amazing and delicious. But that Beef Bowl in Persona 4... Man, I’ve had dreams about that Beef Bowl.

This week’s questions:

Shoutout to Brandon Gann, who is in ALL WEEK’S questions for Sunday Chats.

Yes, God of War is great. I think I got into it pretty well above, but yes, I really enjoy it. The combat, above all else, just feels so great. It reminds me a TON of DmC Devil May Cry in that it is training me well and I feel really good at it. Plus the way the weapons work kind of reminds me of that kind of combat too.

It absolutely has to be the SNES. I think I’ve lost countless hours to that system, and it’s something that, as a gift for me, I had my parents go and buy of eBay waaay past its time so as I could sit down and revisit all these classic games. Something I’m still incredibly appreciative of to this day.

But A Link to the Past and Super Metroid are just so formulative of my current taste in games and the things I seek out the most in video games (see: adventure and backtracking) and that was the console I sank the most time into without a doubt. I think GameBoy is totally a great choice, I didn’t have my own until I got a GameBoy color, but the GBA was the one I fell in love with the most, and I wouldn’t really get deep into that until much later.

Hey like, real talk everyone? Hey? Everyone bring it down, it’s real talk time?

Like, I’m doing suuuuper not good. Like actively very bad, and it’s just a whole lot going on. Last week is like, top three, top four worst weeks ever for me, and I had to make a whole bunch of adult decisions that, while I was prepared for them, I wasn’t happy about anything, and everything seemed to just make the situation more miserable. On top of that, I just feel like I’ve been really shitty and a shitty friend to basically all the people in my life that matter the most, and on top of that I have a lot of stress from work and money and blah.

Like, in the grand scheme of things, I’m doing okay, I’ll be okay, but I feel bad, it all feels bad, and it’s pretty shitty. Like, I know this probably wasn’t the answer expected, but it’s definitely the truth.

I’ll do better next time.

In my defense, it’s what I was doing up until I started writing this, and, while I do need to go do the dishes before I get back into God of War because lord knows no one else will, I’ll be continuing my adventure in Midgard until I pass out tonight.

I mean I feel really good about it, so long as everyone involved feels good. Like we’ve certainly hit a lot more readers and have broadened our audience in a way we’ve never been capable of before, and we have opportunities now that we’ve never had before, and I feel really good about that. I’m not super into the numbers, but I am into opportunity, ability to cover games pre-release, go to events, things like that.

As for the end of the year, I feel like, or at least I hope, there is a bit more cross pollination as far as skill, like more folks will be able to support Social, and more folks will be able to do video, or host shows, or whatever that may be. But I want that to all happen within comfort: like Social is Jurge’s thing, and if he doesn’t want to share that because of his ownership of it, I get that, I respect that, and I’m all about that. People gotta have their territory of expertise, and since I’ve been jack-of-all-trading it alone this whole time, I’m all about doing that for myself.

Even though I kind of already have and that’s editing.

The Ninja Samurai from Ghosts of Tsushima (upcoming, I know) and Sly Cooper, because I’m all about creating the greatest Ninja clan this side of the land of the rising sun.

That’s all I got for this week. Thank you all for your patience and understanding. I’ll do better next time. I will try and continue to do these more consistently. I love you all, thank you for reading and supporting and listening and being great.

Until next time, keep it real.

#video games #god of war #sunday #sunday chats #sundaychats #Alex talks

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billydisagrees · 7 years

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#16 The Man who Turned the Tables

I think my self confidence hit an all time high at the beginning of last summer. I was surrounded by attractive gay men who were happily coupled off but still frequently showered me with compliments on my looks and personality. I have always had supportive friends but there is something about ridiculously handsome men calling you pretty that makes you believe you are a knockout.

I took to the wave of praise like a duck to water. I started to see myself as a catch. I have always believed I’m a worthwhile guy and I’m grateful I have a sense of humor people respond to but now I was looking at my face and body in a new light. I remember one of the guys on my softball team who I’d always thought dreamy telling me I had beautiful DSL. That is a crude and gratuitous acronym that you can google if you’d like. Sure, it was a vulgar thing to say but the rush I felt knowing he’d momentarily sexualized me isn’t something I’ll forget.

I took all of this in and started to see my physical traits differently. I don’t think I solely relied on the opinion of others to reinforce my attractiveness, but let’s be honest, when people you find attractive and whose opinion you respect start telling you you’re beautiful, it feels awesome and you start to believe them.

This ego boosting sent me approaching men I wouldn’t have previously bothered with. My boldness was met with mixed results. There were plenty of guys who were just as disinterested as I had previously imagined they’d be. Some were polite and friendly but definitely not on board for a date. Then there were a handful of gentlemen who surprised me with a yes. This is a story about one of those men.

I tend to let the other guy initiate contact on Grindr. My response rate is low at best so I assume that my limp “Hey” will be similarly ignored. It’s a selfish system but I like to feel pursued without dealing with the anxiety of following through. Early one morning I was lazily browsing through thumbnails when I came across a picture I couldn’t take my eyes off of. It was of a tall, lean man with a closely cropped beard and ice blue eyes. He had the sexiest smirk and everything about him exuded a cool confidence. I read his one sentence bio maybe a dozen times trying to figure out any kind of helpful clue as to how to approach him. I didn’t have any luck there so I was going to have to rely on myself.

I nervously typed, deleted, retyped, and redeleted several times before finally settling on a quick, “Hey Handsome!”. I stared at the blue message box I had sent, eager to see a response of any kind. After a few minutes I decided it wasn’t going to happen and put my phone down to get ready for work. Throughout the day I checked the app what felt like hundreds of times. An exercise that proved fruitless. This guy was clearly not having it and I decided that was that.

The thought occurred to me that since I no longer expected anything from this nameless jpeg, I was free to say whatever I wanted without fear of rejection, because for all intents and purposes I’d already been rejected. I asked him if he thought I was TOO good looking and that’s why he didn’t respond.

Nothing.

I asked him If he was in a Taken type situation where he was being held captive and wasn’t able to get back to me.

Nothing.

Then I asked him if he was more or less attracted to me than he was to Dame Judi Dench. For whatever reason that did the trick. He sent a message apologizing for not having responded and complimenting on my funny quips. We started chatting about all your basic expository topics and in minuted he had asked me out for a date the following night. I said yes with zero hesitation and he seemed genuinely excited.

The second we decided on a place and time I started to sweat. I was already so enamored with him and I felt immediately certain I was going to screw it up. I went into full preparation mode to try to get a head start clearing any potential road blocks. I made an appointment to get my back waxed. It’s just a fact of my hobbit like frame that I have a hairy back. It’s not like a full coat or anything but left unchecked I start to look like a labrador retriever from behind. I spent what felt like one hundred hours shaving my balls and their neighbors. I know that it’s not the prettiest image but guys who don’t pay attention to the grooming of their swimsuit region are pretty inconsiderate in my opinion. No one likes to stick their face in a cave filled with tumbleweeds.

After taking care of all my basic manscaping needs I struggled with a final chore. I am, typically speaking, a top. I think a common perspective for people who aren’t gay men is that every man is either strictly a top or bottom. In my experience most guys are flexible or commonly referred to as versatile. There are a number of factors that go into who does what when things get to that point and it’s mostly about who your partner is and what the dynamic of your relationship is like.

Unfortunately I can’t really call myself versatile. I tend to be attracted to guys who enjoy bottoming and that’s pretty much always worked out for me. I don’t have an aversion to switching it up, in fact I’m very envious of guys who can bottom with ease, because for me, it’s a Titanic sized production. At this particular time in my life it had been six years since the last time I had even tried to host a penis and it hadn’t gone great. I was reticent to say the least but just from our brief conversation I had a feeling that #16 wasn’t the bottom bunk type.

I wasn’t banking on he and I being intimate on our first date but I didn’t want to rule it out either. It’s not my favorite headspace to be in but my thinking was, if all he wants is a one night stand, I’m pretty sure I’m cool with that. So I made the decision to be fully prepared just in case it came up. Here is what that entailed for me…

Shaving your butt. This requires getting into some of the most undignified positions I can imagine. I suggest getting mirrors involved only when absolutely necessary.

An enema. The greatest fear when it comes to anal sex is poop. It is one of the most uncomfortable topics when it comes to sex and there is absolutely no way to circumvent preparation. You want to feel confident and in control and in my experience an enema is the best way to do so.

Something to help you relax the muscles. This usually means a butt plug. Which is the worst combination of words in the english language. It is impossible not to laugh just at the mention of it but its necessity can not be undersold. There is a very specific kind of pain associated with anal sex and I had already made every possible mistake in prior attempts. I wanted to get it right this time. So I inserted what I pretended was the world’s largest rectal thermometer and sat on it while I watched Gilmore Girls and thought about all the food I was going to eat after this date was over.

The last step for me was imagining myself getting into positions I’d never really had to bother with before. I tried kind of a dry run of all the possibilities to see which ones were compatible with hiding my less flattering features.

The experience as a whole taught me a lot about abandoning my ego. It was all so unglamorous. Even doing it alone I felt vulnerable and I was incredibly anxious for what it would be like with a buddy. I had always been envious of the strength and willingness of men who bottomed. Now I was developing a new respect for the effort they put in behind the scenes. Make no mistake, it’s work. I was certainly nervous but after all that, there was no way I was going to back out now.

That night I met #16 at The Cheerful Tortoise right next to Portland State. When he walked up to the bench I was on he wore a huge smile and wrapped me in a tight hug. He had the kindest face I could remember seeing and all of my anxiety began to melt. I immediately took notice of his hands. They were strong and big and clean and I wanted them to touch my face.

The conversation was breezy and fluid. He was enrolled in a grad school program at the University for psychology and participating in a full time internship working with at risk adults coping with mental illness. He was a happy, ambitious and big hearted guy who somehow managed to make me feel like what I had going on was just as important as his own situation.

After a few drinks outside we moved in and he ordered some food. I said I had eaten before even though I hadn’t touched food in about eighteen hours. I watched with envy as he carelessly nibbled on some chilli cheese fries. I briefly believed my stomach was going to grow arms and rip the food from his hands. I am not my best self when I’m hungry, which is why I eat about fourteen times a day.

I knew the date was going well. He was laughing at a lot of what I was saying and he had a remarkable gift for letting me know he was attracted to me by letting his eyes linger on mine for just a second too long. I knew without hesitation that I wasn’t dealing with an amateur. He had such an ease about him. I was awe struck by his laissez-faire approach to a first date.

When the evening began to wind down he asked me if I’d watch Bridesmaids with him. Earlier I had mentioned that it was my favorite movie and I was flabbergasted when he admitted to not having seen it. He invited me to his apartment which happened to me a five minute walk from the bar. He led me into the living room of a very small but meticulously clean one bedroom. I took a seat on the far side of the couch while he queued up the movie.

We had had no physical moments up to this point, our hug upon meeting notwithstanding, so I was beginning to think we might not be getting intimate. I had mixed feelings about that. I was really into him and I was hoping for a second date for sure but at the same time I wanted to see him naked so so so much. It was a tense few minutes.

He pressed play and sat directly next to me on the couch. Without looking away from the screen he reached around my shoulder and pulled me into him. It was seamless. If a panel of first move judges had been in the room there would nothing but 10’s hanging in the air. He burrowed his head in my neck and slowly raised his eyes to meet mine. When he leaned in to kiss me he let his fingertips linger at the edge of my cheeks.I opened my eyes to see him smiling nervously at me.

Except he wasn’t nervous. He was so totally in control of the moment. So skilled at creating the experience of romance without actually involving emotions. It was this air of dominance he possessed that confirmed my status as the bottom of the evening. At no point did it come up in conversation, it was easily communicated without anyone having to voice it.

When we went into his bedroom things began to speed up...and come off. I was happily existing in the moment and was granted a temporary reprieve from the anxiety of intercourse. I was able to maintain that feeling until he removed his underwear. I had been hoping against hope that I would be dealing with a small to average sized...guest. Like a small dinner party, the reality was basically a super sweet sixteen bash. That’s probably an exaggeration. Under normal circumstances I would have seen it as simply large, but coupled with the knowledge of the space it would be occupying I felt like I was staring at a telephone pole.

I was shaken but not deterred and I was desperately trying to hide any hesitation from creeping onto my face. I wanted to seem unphased and experienced while still appearing naive enough to not seem wildly promiscuous. So I tried to look simply impressed. I don’t know if it worked or not, I probably looked crazy just staring at his penis furiously trying to contort my face into an appropriate expression.

In any case he wasn’t bothered. We cycled through all of the preliminary business and faster than I had hoped it was time for the big show. I was lying on my stomach and he was aligning his body to prepare for the main event. He wordlessly reached to a drawer in the middle of his dresser and pulled it open. I was stunned when I saw the contents. Within the drawer there were three built in dividers that separated condoms, toys, and two prescription bottles. He must have seen the shock on my face because he quickly grabbed the bottle and explained.

“Have you heard of PrEP? I’ve been taking it for two months. I think it’s genius, don’t worry though I still use condoms.”

I told him I had heard of it and I agreed that condoms were a non negotiable. He put one on and grabbed some lubricant to prepare. He reached deep in the drawer and grabbed a small bottle of liquid and offered it to me.

“What’s that?” I asked, confused.

“Poppers. You’re going to want it.”

My knowledge of poppers consisted of thirty second reference to them in an episode of Broad City in which a gay character cavalierly explains that they “loosen your butthole”. I understood that they would likely be helpful but I couldn’t get past their shaky legality. Also in order to take them you have to snort the liquid up your nose. I was entirely unprepared for something like that so I politely declined. He asked if I was sure. I think that was his one mistake, the one pock mark on his smooth operator vibe. Until that point he had done and said everything right, he had actually made me believe that by some kind of magic this was going to go off without a hitch. Then he let it slip that without the aid of a chemical commonly used as VHS head cleaner this was probably going to hurt.

He began getting himself in position and my mind could not stop thinking about how prepared he was for this, but not specifically for me, just the occasion of sex in his bedroom. Bracing myself for impact, I began to replay all of the sly mannerisms I had admired about him throughout the night, after seeing his sex drawer they kind of lost their sparkle. He maybe wasn’t a naturally confident and self possessed first dater. I was learning that this was more than likely a practice makes perfect scenario.

“Are you ready?” he gently inquired.

“Um, yeah.” I stammered, shaken from my inner dialogue.

“I’ll go slow, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks, I’ll probably warm up quick.”

I actually believed that when I said it. I was preparing myself for what I thought would be like a shot. Quick pinch, then we’re good.

He lined himself up and began to push. My face flushed hot and the pain hit me so intensely that I yelped like a dog you’d carry in a purse. He asked me if I was okay and I said, “Yeah, sorry...it was just...cold.”

I can’t imagine how dumb I sounded, I just didn’t want him to think we needed to stop. I wanted him, sure. More to the point though, I wanted to make it work for me. I wanted to understand why so many guys I knew loved this. I wanted to know the trick. I wanted to stop limiting my relationship prospects based on one aspect of my sex life.

When he tried again the pain followed but I attempted to muscle through. He was slow and thoughtful but it was just too much. I couldn’t relax. I told him I needed to pee and went to the bathroom. I examined myself and checked for any blood. I was thankfully clear and I tried to soldier my resolve.

I went back in and we tried a few different positions and after a couple more trips to the restroom and I would say about a seven minutes of consecutive penetration I had to throw in the towel. By the time I called it I think #16 was more relieved than anything else. It felt like he appreciated the effort and we both laughed a lot after.

We sat in bed and I asked him about his tattoos and the stories behind them. He wanted to know about my stand up ambitions and why I loved Tina Fey so much. We talked for about an hour before I decided it was time for me take off, though he did invite me to stay the night. I decided I should take off because I was still not entirely certain I was ever going to be able to sit down again.

While I got dressed, I told him I’d text him later in the week. He warned me that he had a really busy couple weeks coming up and I tried to accept that as the truth. I knew what he meant though. We were both lying to each other. Him telling me there’d be a next time. Me sympathizing with his made up excuses about why a second date would have to wait. I was a little bummed as I left. He was a cool guy and I still wonder what actually dating him might of been like.

#16 was unique for me. He was kind, interested and patient. I liked him and I really believed he liked me. On my way home it occurred to me that he could probably make anyone feel that way. Everything felt so perfectly timed and executed. I wanted to feel dejected and misled but I realized that he had never actually said anything about another date. He never lied to me, he just never wanted more than the night.

I was still disappointed not to hear from him from but I tried to take away the positives from the evening. I had a good time with a hot guy and I took a dick for seven minutes.

All in all I feel like I broke even.

#36dates #gay #gayfunny #gayhumor #bottoming

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lawsonalfred94 · 4 years

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#Get Taller Crossword Fascinating Useful Ideas #Which Exercise Is The Best To Grow Taller

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kiddiemom-blog · 5 years

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Single parenting 101

It’s been over a year since I became a full-blown single parent. The hows and whys of the divorce don’t really matter. As I’ve said before, no one gets married to one day get a divorce. It’s hard on everyone and believe me, while people will judge, it should be known that marriages don’t fall apart without first extensive trying and hoping and praying and self-convincing. But eventually, people have to choose happiness.

The hardest part for me relates to my boys, ages six and nine. It was heartbreaking to lose the family unit. Until you’ve been through this, you have no way of knowing how it will all feel, but the loss of the marriage and the loss of the family unit are two entirely separate experiences. I’d already grieved the loss of my marriage, even when I was still in it. But at that time, I still had the family unit, so even though the marriage was struggling, I still loved having the family together.

A weird and unintentional confusion happens when couples stay together for the children. Because there is a disconnect between the adults in the house, all of the energy, focus and attention goes toward the children which then makes the family unit even harder to pull away from. What ends up happening is the children get a shell of who you really are and they also get a non-existent model of what a fun-loving marriage looks like, but they also become accustomed to both parents being solely child-centered. Then once the divorce happens, you go from being with your kids 100% of the time with maximum effort to spending multiple days without seeing them at all. It’s all very jarring to the psyche.

Nevertheless, as humans do in every situation, we adapt and figure it out. We learn to find a new normal. As I think about the past year, I’ve learned a number of things regarding how to be an efficient and positive single mom.

7 Helpful Tips for Single Parents

1). Be a good planner: There’s a quote that says, “Fail to plan, plan to fail.” This is my constant mantra. And I’m not just talking about planning out the week, I’m talking about long-term planning as well. When there’s only one parent in the home, there’s no tag teaming. The one parent has to do everything, so planing is imperative. I try to plan weeks and months in advance so I can figure out my work schedule, custody, childcare, doctors and dentist appointments, etc. On a weekly basis, I’ve found if I plan the week’s meals and coordinate my workouts with the boys sports’ practices, everything goes more smoothly. When I don’t plan accordingly, we end up at the grocery store every day at 6:00 p.m. and this does not make for a happy, productive evening. Also if I don’t plan when I’m going to work out, it doesn’t happen and then I’m grumpy and feel guilty for not exercising. If you plan well, you can spend quality time with your children instead of constantly scrambling around playing catch up.

2). Communicate clearly with the other parent: This one may be challenging if you and your ex don’t get along or if there’s a lot of bitterness, but even if that’s the case, you have to rise above that and do what’s best for the children. The boys’ dad and I are amicable and good at communicating for the most part. There have been a couple mishaps, but that’s going to happen until everyone gets in a solid groove. If we need a change in a weekend or in the custody schedule, we try to tell each other months in advance. If I learn of a school or sporting event when I have the boys, I let him know, and vice versa. We communicate in a number of ways including talking on the phone, text and email. If it’s impossible for you to talk to the other parent without getting frustrated or annoyed, use another method such as text or email. I’ve found the following tips make communicating easier.

3). Accept that doing it solo is exhausting: The sooner you accept this fact, the better. Single parenting offers zero relaxation, especially if you work full-time out of the home. For 12 hours every day, it’s balls to the wall. Wake up, cook breakfast, get ready for school, drop boys off at school, work all day, pick up children from school, take them to sports practice, drive home from practice or after school, cook dinner, clean up from dinner, do homework, sign agenda books, make lunches, fold laundry, get ready for bed, put children to bed. Then repeat everything the next day. The funny thing is, I actually enjoy it. It’s mind over matter. I don’t have any delusions that a gnome or fairy is going to appear and help me with some of these tasks so I can sit on the couch and paint my toenails. I love being a mom and I know what my day looks like going into it, so I just tackle it head-on. End of story.

4). Find time to be with yourself: This one is paramount. It’s important to find time to be with yourself on the days you have the kids and on the days you don’t. When I have the boys with me, I get up significantly earlier than them. I’m a morning person so this time works well for me. I enjoy my coffee and either read, journal or blog. It’s my sacred quiet time. When the boys aren’t with me, I try to get alone time working out or cleaning or something along those lines. The quiet alone time when the boys aren’t with me can be hard because I start missing them or wondering what they’re doing. Either way, it’s important we continue to love and befriend ourselves. There is a lot of guilt, grief and regret after the breakdown of a marriage which makes it even more important that you be gentle with yourself and feed your needs.

5). Engage fully: I actually feel like I’m a better, more engaged parent now that I’m divorced. With there being no other adult to pass them off to, I am fully focused on truly being with them. I’ve talked with other single parents who feel this as well. When it’s the just one parent and the kids, a unique bond forms and all parties get to know the others on a much deeper, more intimate level. There’s no longer the adults up here and the kids down there. It all blends together and I’ve really enjoyed this. While I miss having help and having another adult to talk to, I love focusing so intently on my littles.

6). Have fun when you’re not with the kids: The boys’ dad and I don’t have 50/50 custody, but it’s close. More like 60/40-ish where I have them a bit more than he does. Modern research says this is the best set-up if both parents live in the same town. I still see them every day because I’m involved in afternoon pick-up, sports drop-off; however, it’s still grueling going 5 days at a time without their little heads in their beds at my house. To combat this sadness, I do things I can’t do when I have them. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend Matthew who is also a single parent. He has the 60/40 custody arrangement as well and he is a very engaged father. Together we have five kids. On the weeks, the kids are with the other parent, we go on long bike rides, try out new recipes, travel, clean our houses, read, veg out and watch Netflix, work late if we need to, etc. I know everyone isn’t fortunate enough to have a signifiant other after divorce, but don’t settle just to have a person to hang out with it. The right person will come along. Believe me, it’s worth waiting for. Having fun on your off-days not only diverts your mind from not having the kids but it also fuels your own hobbies and goals which ultimately makes you a better parent.

7). Ask for help if you’re overwhelmed: Some single parents have little to no help from the other parent and if that’s the case, be sure to find a support system. Whether it’s friends, colleagues, church members or neighbors, you can’t do it on your own without eventually burning out. Since my mom’s passing, I don’t have someone who can consistently help me. Our awesome baby-sitter started college this year and my dad has watched the boys here and there, but he still works part-time. I sure do miss having my mom around. I feel blessed that the boys’ dad wants to be in their lives so much, and I work hard to get all my own stuff accomplished when they are with him. That way, they are my priority the rest of the time. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for help but people are more willing than you think, so if you feel like you’re about to lose it, reach out to someone. You’ll be so glad you did.

I’m the furtherest thing from a single parenting expert, but I am an optimist and a good problem solver, so just like any situation in my life, I’ve figured out how to navigate this new season so that everyone I love, including myself, can feel safe and happy. There are a lot of various personalities to navigate, both on the adult and kid front. Each day is truly its own adventure, but I’ve become an expert at gratitude. I am so extremely grateful for my faith, my work and the precious people in my life. If you’re a single parent or will be a single parent soon, you’re not alone. As Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.”

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lenaglittleus · 6 years

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How To Survive Shingles (And Not Go Totally Crazy!)

Remember that time I got the shingles? I know I won’t be forgetting that experience anytime soon…For anyone who has had or currently has shingles, you know this is a pain you won’t soon forget. They call it adult chicken pox, but I can assure you it’s far worse than chicken pox ever was. That or my memory is playing tricks on me!

But it’s not all bad around here. My Dad always jokes that whenever shit hits the fan around here, it makes for a great blog post and well, he’s definitely right about that. THM is my personal version of making lemonade! Or in this case, make shingles recovery out of shingles!

I’m going to skip over the whole medical diagnosis part since your doctor should probably be the one doing that but instead describe my personal experience with the shingles and what I did to nip it in the bud. The first thing I did when I got diagnosed, was immediately take to the internet to see if anyone had helpful tips for healing shingles. I read a lot of horror stories, some not-so-horror stories but also some really productive tips. I’m hoping this post can be that for some of you. Or if you have a friend or family member suffering, feel free to pass onto them. We got this!

So, first things first…

THE DIAGNOSIS

I actually told the full story in this Instagram post so I won’t go into too much detail. Basically, a couple days before the infamous shingles rash appeared, my lymph nodes on the left side of my neck and ear blew up. I then developed a lot of pain in my ear the next day so I went to the doctor to see if I had an ear infection. That morning I noticed two huge zits on my forehead which I thought was strange (because I never breakout on my forehead) but they didn’t occur to me as anything but zits. You know those huge underground zits you get? They looked and felt like those.

My doctor looked in my ear, felt my lymph nodes and informed me I did not have an ear infection but likely some kind of virus that my body was trying to fight. Neither of us thought anything of the zits and I went home feeling pretty crappy but relieved it wasn’t an ear infection.

Over the next few hours is when the rash really started to develop. A few more bumps on my forehead, one on my eyebrow and those big “zits” started to become really painful. The pain I felt in my ear started moving into my head and my swollen lymph nodes made it difficult to turn my neck. I later found out that the pain in my ear was likely caused by the fact that my shingles developed in my trigeminal nerve which is right next to your middle ear.

I knew pretty much as soon as the pain migrated to my forehead that I had the shingles. People have been shocked to discover that you can a) get shingles under the age of 60 and b) get shingles on your face. I knew both were possible because my Mom had them on her face when I was really young. Thankfully that situation clued me into what was happening with my own body but for any of you out there who don’t know this, you can get shingles at any age and they can happen at any nerve root in your body, including your face!

THE TREATMENT

Because I pretty quickly tuned into what was happening, I was able to get started with my shingles recovery fairly quickly. If you manage to catch it within 72 hours of the rash appearing, the antivirals are most effective. I’m lucky I caught it within that window and am certain the quick duration of my symptoms was because of this. Of course, not everyone will know right away, but if you have a gut feeling or any of the symptoms I described above, go to your doctor!

Besides my antiviral 3x a day I was also prescribed pain meds, which I honestly didn’t end up taking. Heavy pain meds make me feel sick and groggy so except for the first two days when the pain was pretty excruciating, I used advil and tylenol to help manage the pain. For as hippie dippie as I may be, when stuff like this happens I think the path of least resistance is often the best. I wasn’t doing myself any favors by trying to overcomplicate.

Of course, I also turned to diet and lifestyle choices to also help manage the symptoms. I’m fairly confident that in addition to the antivirals, these choices helped to decrease the span of my shingles experience. So let’s get into that…

HOW TO SURVIVE SHINGLES (and not go totally crazy!)

I think the most important piece of this post is this section. Of course, catching it early and taking the antivirals help a ton but shingles is so much more than just popping some pills and hoping for the best. I’m not here to throw conventional medicine under the rug. I don’t think I’d have had such a quick turnaround if it hadn’t been for the full course of antivirals I took, but there are a lot of natural treatments you can incorporate to also help speed up the process and the pain and itchiness that typically ensues.

CBD/THC

In addition to OTC pain meds, I used CBD and THC to help manage the pain. I’ve been playing around with different types of CBD and found the Calm pen from Dosist to be most effective. For THC I used topical salve on the rash itself and it was literally a godsend to help manage the pain.

BONE BROTH

There’s a reason your body craves broth when you’re sick. Bone broth is super anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting. It contains vitamins and minerals that help support gut health and reduce pain and inflammation.

I’ve had two cups of bone broth every single day for the last two weeks. Currently obsessed with Kettle and Fire and especially their mushroom and chicken broth!

KOMBUCHA/PROBIOTICS

When they say “it all starts in your gut”, they’re not kidding! After my bout with SIBO I had to eliminate and then slowly add in fermented foods and probiotics. I can’t even tell you how much I missed kombucha…It’s been almost 6 months since then and I am now happily back to taking my daily probiotic and guzzling my Healthade kombucha. 5:00 PM because my “kombucha happy hour” and I think that’s going to stick around for a while!

SUPPLEMENTS

Pretty much everyone under the sun will recommend a different supplement to you when they hear you have shingles. Truthfully, there are many MANY out there that could benefit you, shingles or not. I decided to stick with what I had from my Care/of packs and add in one that was consensus amongst everyone, L-Lysine.

Zinc – supports immune function and has an antiviral effect

L-lysine – an amino acid that helps reduce the spread of the shingles virus

Rhodiola – an adaptogenic herb that’s shown stress relieving properties

Astragalus – another herb that helps support immune function and has an antiviral effect

LEMON BALM

I wasn’t sure which category to put this under, so instead it gets a category of it’s own. Lemon Balm is an herb that is known to help reduce pain from shingles, both internally and topically. I pretty much got all my hydration from drinking 6-8 cups of Lemon Balm Tea a day and once the initial couple of days of pain went down, I used a topical lemon balm to help reduce inflammation, reduce pain and help promote healing. Someone on Instagram told me to order this Lemon Balm Salve from Amazon and it was literally the best advice I got from everyone.

DIET

I am a true believer in the healing power of food. Now I don’t think eating perfectly “clean” replaces other lifestyle habits or conventional medicine, but it is a great tertiary care to support your body. And truthfully, when you’re sick (at least when I’m sick), I’m not craving the same foods I normally do. I think when you really tap in and listen you’ll realize that the foods you crave like bone broth and vegetables are actually your body’s way of supporting you.

In my case I literally wanted all the warm, green veggies in broth. Particularly kale and bok choy. Interestingly my acupuncturist told me that bok choy is a common healing and cooling food in Traditional Chinese Medicine and that because shingles is excessive heat in your body, bok choy was a great cooling choice. Our bodies are crazy!

In addition to plenty of veggies, I also found myself gravitating towards antioxidant fruits like berries and lots of bananas. I didn’t intionally do it, but pretty much ate zero refined sugar for a week. As I started to feel better I was like “give me the brownies!!!” but while I was still heavy in the pain-zone I didn’t want any of it.

I also consumed more turmeric that I ever thought I could and especially loved it in my morning Matcha and Turmeric Latte. My body was NOT craving coffee so my morning matcha really did the trick.

ESSENTIAL OILS

I’ll be honest, when I’m sick I often turn to essential oils for primary support, but for shingles they definitely played second fiddle. I rubbed fortify on my chest and neck lymph nodes to support my immune system and diffused grounding and soothing blends like unwind, spa spirit and tranquility to help stay calm and promote self-care.

THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP FOR SHINGLES

I know that this is a lot of information so give yourself time to take it all in. Perhaps, more importantly take this one piece of advice: RELAX. Shingles is usually brought on by stress in your life. While I didn’t think I had a lot of stress (I’ve become a lot better at managing it!), when I listed everything on my plate it’s easy to see how my body was overburdened.

The biggest lesson learned through this process is how important it is to really, truly support your body. People often mentioned how lucky I was to be able to have a job that works from home, but when you’re sick it’s easy to just reach for your phone in bed or work on a project while recovering on the couch. The boundaries are less clear. Though I did the bare minimum I needed to do, I mostly took a lot of time to rest, nap, journal, watch TV and essentially do nothing.

I would have loved to have gone on walks or been outside but the pain of the wind on my face made it impossible. I was upset over this but C reminded me that compassion is a big part of the recovery process. So even though I felt stir crazy, I also knew that going outside actually created more stress in my life. Acknowledging those stressors and putting in plans of action to eliminate or diffuse them is the key to getting over shingles.

* * * * *

I’m still not 100% pain-free but that’s to be expected after 2.5 weeks out. I’m continuing most of what I listed above and easing myself back into work. I’m also doing acupuncture to help manage the pain and have also found it super helpful in reducing my stress levels.

Overall I can tell I’m drastically improved from where I was and also have learned one of life’s most important lessons: STRESS IS REAL and it can manifest physically, so don’t ignore it!

Have you ever had or currently have shingles? Any tips to add? Drop them below!

The post How To Survive Shingles (And Not Go Totally Crazy!) appeared first on The Healthy Maven.

from News About Health https://www.thehealthymaven.com/2018/03/shingles-recovery.html

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