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ohshitmomitsawritingblog · 4 years

Note

Aight my friend I'm here to give you your first post I got you For the Alphabet Soup: Obito, Madara, Deidara, Kakashi, Zetsu, Kisame, Sasori. You ofc do not need to do all, just given some variety; pick and choose, also choose whatever letters you want, my brain can't comprehend so many letters rn Have fun ily

Puca bless u this first post is gonna be a Fat One Folks

Deidara

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Deidara wants to do new stuff all the time, full stop. He’s perpetually uncomfortable with a distinct routine, which he’d consider being stagnant. With his S/O, he’d be down to do anything once - maybe the one bit of consistency in their relationship is his need to be around his partner on a pretty regular basis.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

He thinks complaining to his partner is a good excuse to tell them about his day.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Surprisingly pretty understanding! I’ve always seen Deidara as being incredibly independent and assumes others feel similarly, so it’s not like he’ll ever be overly dotting, but he will be considerate. In pain? Go lay down. Need help with something? He’ll lend a hand. That being said, he can be a little egotistical so while he anticipates his partners physical needs often, he can be apt to not check in with them emotionally and sometimes doesn’t consider their views on things. Youth, ya know?

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

‘Hey, you!’

Lmao, he’s a little rude and not the type for being publically sweet to his S/O - in fact I think he’d see it as a kind of weakness or source of embarrassment - so he’d probably come off as a little gruff when addressing them, as if subconsciously compensating for how sweet he really is on them.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Decent. He’s not overly passionate, but he gives surprisingly comforting kisses. But. There’s a learning curve. His first kiss with his S/O involved a lot of knocking of noses and clacking teeth. He takes their face by the chin when he kisses.

Kakashi

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Kakashi probably likes his S/O because they’re tenacious and on the ball in terms of their own goals - of course he 100% supports them doing their own thing, and he deeply believes that they’ll achieve whatever they set their mind to. So much so that it doesn’t cross his mind that they could fail.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Their name. Kakashi nearly passed out reading very innocent phrases from Icha Icha, I think he’d actually choke on his own tongue if he even attempted calling his S/O something like ‘dear’ for like. Years. That’s reserved for the bedroom. 😌

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Reading! Exploring the village! I get the impression that Kakashi and his S/O are partial to late night dinner and drinks with friends - especially on cool, smokey nights. Going to obscure bookshops is a big second, and I can see Kakashi enjoying quiet, laid back art scenes - that giant ass painting in his apartment speaks of a taste for impressionist scenery. I feel like Kakashi likes washing the dishes or cooking dinner with his S/O best! They talk about their days, or they just enjoy the silence of working together.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Sitting next to them. Existing in the same space. If his partner is the type to clearly need physical affection during a crisis, I can see Kakashi being the type to sit next to them and press his shoulder to their’s, or to rub small circles on their back. If they’re crying or are generally on the shorter side, he’ll press his mouth and nose into their hair. It’s his way of telling them ‘I see you, and I’m not turning your pain away’.

Furthermore, Kakashi struggles with himself and what his needs as a person are, and isn’t sure how to relate to his partner beyond being a solider or comrade, and desperately doesn’t want to invalidate his S/O’s feelings, as his own have in the past. He also has no idea what to say, other than going off his his own desperate attempts to make sense of his grief, anxiety, and sadness, but often feels like that doesn’t cut it. The pain may, at the root, be similar, but his S/O’s suffering his their own, so he tries not to say anything at all. I think he especially deeply reflects his S/Os feelings when they’re feeling hurt or sad and it shows in those small physical cues.

To quote Cole from Dragon Age: his hurt touches their’s.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Kakashi kisses are electrifying - he’s so soft and sweet but so intense. Lots of pecks are his style versus one long kiss. When he first kisses his S/O, it’s almost a little sad, though they can’t place why at the time. He cups his S/O’s face in his hands when he kisses them.

Kisame

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Hiking! Swimming! I feel like Kisame would be the type to like to distance himself from civilization during his scant bits and pieces of free time, and would genuinely enjoy the experience nature would offer, any time of year. When he feels restless, I could see him wondering away from his campsite and just exploring the area. Alternatively, I can see him enjoying the stillness of it all. I can see him enjoying a deserted stretch of beach with his S/O, not a soul around but them, watching the spring grey clouds or the washed out blue waves and just taking it all in. Very zen.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Kisame makes it a policy to have zero secrets from his S/O. He doesn’t, by nature, have a taste for lying, but his work and duty have dictated that he lie or, at best, stretch the truth more times than he can count over the years, and now he despises. If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed. That being said, Kisame is human, and I think there are things he’s done that he elects not to volunteer unless directly asked.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Kisame understands his partner and their needs well - I don’t think he rushes into relationships (in fact I think he shies away from anything more than casual interactions more often than not) and I don’t think he wouldn’t take his time truly understanding how his partner ticks. He doesn’t pry, but Kisame is a good spy and a smart man and he observes what his S/O says and does (and reads between those lines) on a consistent basis.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

If Kisame’s partner is female, I feel like he definitely calls her by ‘woman’ affectionately. He’s a little old fashioned like that and I can picture him growing up around adults who referred to their own partners like that. Kisame is one of those men who expresses his affection for his partner through the way he speaks (low pitched voice, soft and just loud enough for you to hear, for instance) versus what he says, so nicknames aren’t really his thing.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He kisses tenderly, and is kind of stiff - but the more he does it, the more he falls in step with his partner and their likes and dislikes. Not good or bad. The first kiss with his S/O was a simple press of their lips, nothing super passionate, and a little awkward.

Sasori

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Absolutely does not like his routine messed with, and, presumably, neither would his partner. Sasori seems like one of those people who are absolutely adverse to any kind of change and isn’t too thrilled with the idea of ‘spicing things up’. He’s there, he’s present, that’s enough right?

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

One of the simplest, most profound expressions of love for Sasori is acts of service - particularly putting a blanket over his partner if they fall asleep without any covers. He’ll never admit it, though.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

That’s a big ol’ no from me dawg. Sasori is just set in his ways and kind of a prick when it comes to anything messing with his plans and how he views the world. If his S/O did slowly influence or help him overcome anything though, I think it would be his consistent rejection of intimate relationships. Like, Sasori has spies, Sasori has informants, Sasori has Akatsuki teammates and associates, but hardly any of them see his ‘true form’ and even less actually like him. He’s a hard man - whose hard on others - who very ruthlessly destroyed his relationship with his sole living relative AND single handedly threw his birthplace into chaos by murdering the third Kazekage.

For him to even toy with the idea of having an S/O, he’d have to really, REALLY like them. He’d have to put aside a lot of subconscious fears and complexes and decide, at the vert least, that he wants them. That’s a huge change, for him, and not one he can fully commit to 24/7. Basically, his S/O changes him before they even get together. Good luck trying to squeeze anything else out of him.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

‘Woman’/‘brat’/‘boy’. Sasori is kind of a dick and he definitely means it as half a put down, half letting anyone in the vacinity know who his S/O belongs to.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Noooope. Sasori doesn’t do affection well, isn’t super inclined to kisses even when he has a human body, and as a puppet, he’s kind of stiff. The first kiss with his S/O is a quick press of the lips to the head or temples - not much of a kiss at all, but for Sasori, it means a lot.

Madara

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Have you watched Naruto?

Yes. Absolutely. Madara has lost so much, and when he connects with someone enough to presumably fall in love with them and pursue a relationship, it’s for the long haul. Madara’s love means Madara’s protection means Madara’s almost obsessive worrying he hides under twenty layers of coo cool, smooth boyfriend material. Worst case scenario, Madara will kill a man for his S/O, and won’t feel bad about it. Worser case scenario, he’d endeavor to create a false dream world where there’s no strife, war, or death, and no choice. ☺️

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Physical activities! Hunting, rock climbing, falconry, hell, even cleaning - i can see Madara’s idea of a relaxing time being cleaning out a shed or re-organizing his office! Presumably his S/O would either be similarly inclined or would indulge him. It does need done after all! There’s something about these all consuming, mentally stimulating activities that i can see Madara truly enjoying. He’d come out feeling refreshed. When feeling less adventurous, or maybe even, gasp, lazy, I can see Madara and his S/O playing board games, practicing calligraphy together, or painting.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

In a long term relationship? Madara definitely sees a future where his S/O is Lady or Lord of the house, deeply involved with clan matters, and maybe, if they’re wanting and capable, with some kids running around. Keep in mind I imagine large families were common amongst the Uchiha pre-Konoha merge, so his idea of ‘some’ probably means five at the least. He has no real expectations of how his S/O would orchestrate themselves - beyond well, that is. He likes them for them, and doesn’t deign to even toy with the idea of putting them in a box, even in his head. The bottom line is: they’re together, and they’re strong together, and the world they build together is sturdier than the one they came into.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

A repeat question, but on the more emotional side: I think Madara, for the longest time, genuinely wishes for a future in which he and his S/O live quietly, and well. It’s in that bittersweet way though, the way someone wishes when they don’t necessarily think it’ll ever come true.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Not well. Madara is naturally inclined to pinning and has some intense separation anxiety - which no one would ever know because he’d rather die than show just how much he misses his S/O. Madara, paraphrasing John Mulany, stuffs all his feelings deep deep deep down, and he plans to die like that. He just doesn’t cope, and the longer they’re apart the grumpier he gets. He pouts when alone, almost - but not quite - spaces out during meals, and busies himself with the finer details of cleaning equipment. Anything to shake the creeping dread that digs up his spine. Around his S/O’s return, he presses kisses to the nap of his S/O’s neck, just at their hairline, when they’re finally alone; if still around people, Madara has a habit of watching their neck and mouth, but says nothing that gives himself away.

Obito

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Going under the assumption that he has an S/O during the canon timeline? It’s not the sweetest confession in the world. He’s very to the point: his S/O is his. I can’t ever see him saying the world love, even if his body language expresses it loud and clear. He’ll run his fingers over their cheeks, press his forehead to their’s, and his stare? His stare could peel wallpaper, kill, and undress his S/O all at the same time. He’s just real intense and tongue tied at the same time.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

As a kid? Obito is painfully obvious. As an adult with all the maladjusted neurosis boiling under that hood of his? It’s not at all obvious. Obito is a busy man, what with the stirring of many pots and scheming and LARPing as Tobi, local terrorist cell’s local idiot. If he does show his love for his S/O, it’s like a leaking faucet; he doesn’t mean to touch their hand with the back of his, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t mean to look at them as they retreat from a meeting, but he does. It’s the little, tender things that hemorrhage from his cold half dead little heart.

Bonus: if this is a post ‘canon’ au where Obito lives and is the weird, kind of unstable, under house arrest for international dream crimes uncle of the Boruto gen, I can see him being much more open. Super clingy - prone to mood swings where he can become his old, cold self, but that’s just the package deal - a little pouty, and incredibly sweet on his S/O. He’s all hugs when they gets home, his hand pressed firmly to their lower back as they walk the village (probably breaking all kinds of rules in the process) and way more inclined to agree with you or go along with your plans. Everyone knows he’s his S/O’s man because he’s proud and loud about it.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Their relationship is deeply important to Obito. I would say in terms of importance, only the moon’s eye plan trumps his S/O - how he reconciles with these two deeply potentially conflicting facts? He doesn’t. He just assumes they’re on board. Other than that, he will put his partner above everything and everyone else, with an emphasis on their physical safety.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Dominate, even in a post-canon-I’m-alive! AU. Obito has an unhealthy relationship with control, and while he’s not one to want to dominate his S/O’s will, he would almost expect his S/O to follow his lead.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Very very romantic and cliche, although Obito reigns in his more dreamy impulses (flowers or picnics, stuff he daydreamed about as a kid) well. His direct displays of affection or ‘dates’ are few and far in between, and very lowkey. He’ll bring his S/O something he’ll know they like - a string of dried flowers grown only in a particular a temple from the land of Fire, a polished, perfectly oval turquoise rock from the land of Wind. He’ll mail them to his S/O or, more likely, leave these little gifts in places he knows they’ll find them. His idea of a good time, of a happy time with his S/O, is quiet nights where plans and identities are put aside, and they can rest or talk about nothing or go for a simple walk. His biggest daydream he still toys with as an adult is getting caught in the rain and kissing his S/O while they’re both soaked.

Zetsu

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Well Zetsu is an alien prince(?), and a plant, and generally kind of weird. That being said, I think he’s very upfront about his S/O and their relationship! There’s definitely a gap in time where he talks nonstop about his S/O and uses any chance to bring them up. Obito toys with the idea of offing them just to get him to shut up. In terms of kissing or physical affection in front of others though? He’s a nervous wreck/directly dismisses the idea.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Honestly, I feel like his S/O would have to confess to him, rather than the other way around. They casually mention liking him, he scoffs, only for them to insist, and it ends with a very vaguely embarrassed plant ‘accepting’ their feelings.

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

What can you do with a plant man? Probably spying, or exploring various places - he isn’t particularly in awe of nature like Kisame, but he likes the quiet and having his S/O all to himself. I can see him liking cards, too.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

‘Babe’ comes to mind - he doesn’t quite get the whole ‘affectionate nickname’ thing humans do, but he likes the sound of babe in particular.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Nope! Zetsu is just happy to have his S/O present, even if they’re presumably just another human who eventually will be swept away in his mother’s plans. He still loves them, and he’s willing to do whatever they’d like in the time they have together.

#obito uchiha #sasori #kakashi hatake #madara uchiha #kisame #zetsu #naruto imagines #obito x reader #sasori x reader #kakashi x oc #madara x reader #kisame x reader #deidara x reader #deidara #zetsu x reAder #fluff alphabet

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justsomefluff · 4 years

Text

Good Morning with Ateez

Summary: the title pretty much explains it all lmao

A/N: Sorry that I haven’t been writing! School has been crazy with everything going on, and I have to work as well. Hopefully, I will be able to write more in the coming weeks.

*Members after Joong are below the cut*

Hongjoong:

ok, waking up in the morning with joongie is wild

If he wakes up first, he’s all giggly

bugging you

kissy kissy all over your face

he’s practically on top of you

it’s not that he wants to get up or anything, he just prefers when you are awake at the same time

“Let me sleep, Joongie”

“but iM LONELY”

If you’re really tired though he’s gonna be cute with you and let you sleep all you want

he will just lay with you and stroke your hair and kiss your hands and ugh im soft

BUT

if you wake up first

he expects the same

so, if you wake him up with anything other than smooches he’s gonna whine and complain so much

“GIMME KISS”

“no, you have morning breath”

“so what you're saying is you hate me”

SO dramatic

if you manage to slip out of bed before he can trap you

he will jump out of bed and latch onto you

LEECH

tries to steal your energy through his hugs

but overall a cute bb who likes a calm, sweet wakeup with his love

Seonghwa:

(THIS GIF I CANT BREATHE)

So, our precious baby Seonghwa

ALWAYS awake before you

like how does he do it???

why does he do it???

whenever he wakes up, he’ll kinda check on you a little bit

make sure you’re in a comfortable position, give you a kiss and all that

but then he’ll slip out before you wake up??

rude.

And then you wake up and you're kinda grumpy bc why would he leave you cold and alone when you could be cuddling rn

when you find him, he’s halfway through making you breakfast

and that makes up for it

he always tries to do things for you to make your mornings easier

It’s his way of making up for all the things he can’t do for you while he’s working

When he notices that you're awake omigod the biggest smile

Will deadass abandon his cooking to come give you a squeeze

your eyebrows are all furrowed and you’re pouting and you're hair is just the worst but he’s so in love with you, you big dork

Gives you a kiss and then makes you sit down

serves you breakfast, all proud

if it’s something he doesn't normally make, he will watch you take the first bite and cross his fingers that you like it

which you always do

Mornings with him will pretty much always be domestic and sweet

Yunho:

McSquishy

When he wakes up, his cheeks go poof

anyway you usually wake up before him on your days off

but he will wake up soon after you

it’s like he senses that you're awake and wants to join in on the party

so when he wakes up, he feels you stretching and wiggling around

Will make fun of you if you make any of those awkward stretching noises

“UGHHHHH AHHH”

like hush leave me alone

isn’t hard to wake up but he will 100% drag you out of bed as soon as he can

mostly because he wants food

if you don’t get up right away he’ll just make you

like the recent video where he just picks up San and moves him? Yeah exactly

will also do that weird shimmy dance he did in that video too just to show you how excited he is

like a golden retriever no lie

so excited to be with you all the time

“Baby, let’s go” “baby, let’s eat” *smoochies*

and you just kinda let him drag you all over the place because he’s cute

isn’t one for morning cuddles in bed, but will still make you sit on his lap during breakfast and stuff just to have you close

cute squish who just wants to be loved aw

Yeosang:

clingy baby right here

Will probably wake up before you

but he’s not totally there yet, you know?

like his eyes are open but he’s dead

kinda flounders for a second trying to find you in the bed

when he does, he’s sticking to you and not letting go

probably falls asleep again because he’s so comfy and warm

so, it’s up to you to wake up before both of you sleep through the day

he’s usually pretty happy when he wakes up

lots of sleepy smiles

nuzzling into you like crazy

even though he’s groggier than you, he will be the first to get up

probably to pee or something idk he just needs to move

eager to start the day

If you’re still in bed 5 minutes after he gets up he’s gonna judge you

“How dare you let me start our day together by MYSELF”

when you do get up, all is forgiven

the kind of person who likes to go out for breakfast rather than cook it at home

it’s not that he can’t, he just doesn’t want to lmao

always excited to dress up a little bit with you for breakfast dates

the perfect beginning to your day together imo

San:

SO WHINY

obviously you’re gonna have to be the one to wake him up

waking up is San’s least favorite part of the day

will trap you in bed for the entire day if you let him

“San, I know you’re tired but we slept ‘til noon”

“Let’s make it 2:00″

literally goes through the 7 stages of grief when he wakes up

Denial: “not morning yet, bye”

Guilt: “I’m so lazy”

Bargaining: “BABY, two more hours, it’ll be great”

Depression: “they started the day without me and I’m lonely”

Upward Turn: “maybe I feel a little more awake now”

Working Through: “ok I can do this, just one more stretch”

Acceptance: “Im up”

Like finally

definitely likes morning cuddles though so if you didn't give him at least that, then he’s gonna hate you for the day

loves starting his day with you and if you don't help him wake up the way he wants

Grumpy baby all day

just snuggle him dammit

Mingi:

ok so he’s not waking up I don't care

when Mingi sleeps, he’s comatose okay

until he has a genuine reason to get up, he is parked

likes to cuddle, but not gonna sacrifice sleep for it

so, if you get up and start your day, whatever he’ll stay

like he’ll ask you to stay and cuddle but he isn’t gonna have enough energy to argue with you over it lmao

you deadass need jumper cables to get him started

if he has to get up to pee or something minor, he will try to do it without you noticing so he can go back to sleep

“SONG MINGI, I SEE YOU”

“NO” and then he sprints back to bed

cue wrestling in bed because once he is fully awake he can’t sit still

like you’re trying to get him up and, while he’s awake now, he just wants to make your life a little harder

pulling you under the covers and everything while you're begging him to come eat with you

he will eventually give in because food

but with him, you kind of just have to let him wake up on his own

if you want to get him started that’s fine, but it prolly won’t help lmao

let him sleep, he’ll figure it out

Wooyoung:

Wooyoungie babyyyyy

When I wake up in the morning...it’s not as sexy as you think

contrary to popular belief, Woo does not wake up sexily

he wakes up friggin adorable

when you wake up first, he just makes you cuddle him until he’w ready to get up, no arguments

but if he wakes up first, he’s wiggling all over the place

another one who just cant sit still

will stretch and bounce and just be a nuisance until you get up too

he will definitely smack you in the face when he’s stretching and then just laugh when you glare at him

when really he should fear for his life like you did not just wake me up by SMACKING ME

but will definitely be kissing you everywhere because he always says he wants to start his day by seeing you smile

cheeseball fr

also he’s loud

in case you didn't know

“JAGIYA WAKE UPPPPPP”

“SHHHHHHHHHH WOOYOUNGAH”

but his volume is contagious and then you're both yelling and its insane

but then you're both giggling and kissing and hugging and its a good morning because

no time spent with Wooyoung is wasted

Jongho:

(How could I not use this gif I mean really)

Jongho is so hard to wake up

like at least Mingi will wake up to shoo you away

but Jongho physically cannot

You could squeeze an air horn by his face and he wouldn't even flinch

basically he’s a heavy sleeper

But as you have more sleepovers, you’ll figure out a way to wake him up more effectively

whatever your method may be, he will be smiling as soon as he opens his eyes

always excited to see you

bc he’s a sweet baby

will make you hug him for a little bit and he’ll kiss your head

after a little bit he’ll sigh and be like “okay”

that’s when you know you can both get up

will follow you around and do pieces of his routine as you do yours

you're almost totally in sync its kinda creepy

but then he will offer to help you make breakfast and always lets you pick what you want to make

just soft for you in general and he’d give you the world

hell, he’s definitely strong enough

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez fluff #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #fanfiction #ateez imagines #ateez reactions #ateez scenarios

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

Text

Jude & Ali

Jude: Hey

Jude: can I stay at yours tonight? I need a sec to think

Jude: I don’t know how I’m gonna tell mum & dad or anyone how badly I’ve fucked up

Ali: Of course you can

Ali: but should I expect 🚓/🚑/🚒 to follow closely behind?

Ali: not sure which ranks highest on the bad scale so give me a clue

Jude: it’s not like that, I’d take it over how it is but

Ali: Ah, that kind of fuck up

Ali: You can go to mine now, I’m not in yet but you have your key and god knows how many cats will keep you company whilst you think

Jude: bus ride’s 👍 for it & they’ve probably seen worse

Jude: you can’t really see owt yet to look at me & maybe there won’t be anything to see anyway

Jude: might be it’s a mistake, I did or read it wrong idk

Ali: Oh bus drivers are the masters of seeing and not saying a thing

Ali: Opposite of taxi drivers in that regard, which if you’re after quiet contemplation is welcomed

Ali: If you need a listening ear however

Ali: How many periods have you missed, love?

Jude: 2 but that don't have to mean

Jude: it can mean loads of things & tests can be wrong, right? I only did the one

Ali: False positives are rare but not totally impossible

Ali: You’re not on any medication that could interfere, UTIs, kidney or ovary issues can but again you’d know beforehand

Ali: Chemical and ectopic pregnancies, maybe

Ali: That leaves user error, sometimes when the urine evaporates it leaves a very faint line that can be confused for a positive on a test that shows 2 lines, was that the kind you did? The timing is important but it’s more likely you’d get no result or negative, as you know

Jude: NOT comforting rn nan!

Ali: No, probably not

Ali: I don’t think that kind of lie is comforting for very long if at all either but we can sit in it whilst it is

Jude: it's already not when I know you're right & that means so's this test

Ali: I’m sorry about that

Ali: what would be comforting right now then?

Jude: just tell me what to do

Ali: In the long run or in telling your mum and dad?

Jude: obviously you can't tell me what to do in the long run

Jude: I can't even think that far ahead when this doesn't feel real

Ali: it’s too big for you to get in, what, an hour, less

Ali: it won’t feel real for a while yet, that’s alright

Ali: You can keep this to yourself for as long as you need, I won’t tell anyone, or bring it up again if you don’t want to talk about it after this

Ali: There’s no way telling won’t be scary, and really hard

Ali: but it shows that you care, about them and what they think, the fact you are scared

Ali: and you know they love you

Ali: even if it’s as disorientating for them as it is for you right now, or even a fraction of that, they will come around to supporting you and being there for you

Jude: I can't avoid mum forever & I'd have to for her not to work it out

Jude: she's always sussed any secret I've tried to keep

Jude: it's scary that this happened to me when I'm so careful

Jude: Toby takes the piss about how paranoid I am

Jude: God, how am I gonna tell him?

Ali: It’s unfair

Ali: and rarely talked about how not foolproof contraceptive is, whatever the method

Ali: That’s at least easier, he knows what you’ve been up to

Ali: though I’m sure he’ll feel as baffled and duped as you do

Jude: we're not like Jac & Sav, he's gonna hate me for this

Ali: It’s a very new relationship

Ali: but if he doesn’t want to be with you, do you think he’ll at least support you, in whatever you choose?

Jude: Yeah

Jude: but he can't support me that much, I need mum & dad

Ali: Of course you do

Ali: and you can tell them, whenever you’re ready

Ali: there’s no words but the facts, that’s all you can say

Jude: idk how I'll get my head round this

Jude: I'm not ever gonna be ready to tell them I ruined everything like this

Jude: it's exactly what I said to Jac I wouldn't let happen

Ali: You can’t control these things to that degree

Ali: it was an accident, right?

Ali: nothing needs to be ruined, everything is salvageable

Jude: that's not gonna calm anyone down though

Ali: No

Ali: do you want the truth on how likely a calm response will be?

Ali: their immediate response, anyway, that’s hard

Jude: maybe I'll just get rid of the baby without telling them, Toby won't say anything & you could go with me

Ali: We could do that

Jude: I'll 🗨️ to him but then

Ali: Good idea, once you’ve done that, get back to me

Jude: Don’t worry, I know all about the different types & when they do it, I won’t leave it too long before I speak to him

Ali: Good stuff

Ali: The pills are considered preferable, I’ve been told

Jude: I wanna do it in person but even if I talk myself out of seeing him a few times before I go ahead with it we’ll still have time to get them & do it at yours

Ali: Of course, as long as you’re aware of how long you have, then you can take the time you do have to do it as well as you can, with the minimum amount of stress instead of the absolute max that comes with the blind panic

Jude: Thanks nan

Ali: No need to thank me

Jude: there is, for not having a go like everyone else would’ve if I’d told them

Ali: It seems you already feel bad enough

Ali: and it’s not my place to judge, not to mention I can’t see it would do any good, or not as much good as, hopefully,

helping you will

Jude: I’m not sure if I feel enough of anything but I just found out, I guess

Ali: Shock’s pretty standard, it’ll come

Jude: when?

Ali: that isn’t on the clock

Ali: the more you think on it

Jude: rude, I’d like to still be in shock when I have to talk about this again, if I had any say, like

Ali: good luck 😏

Jude: no stretch to say I've got 0 rn

Ali: You’ll be okay

Jude: will I?

Ali: Yes

Ali: I promise

Ali: Whatever you do and whatever happens, you’ll get through it

Jude: is crying on a bus stage 1 of getting through it or am I fucking this up already?

Ali: If you aren’t crying on a bus at least once in your life you aren’t really living

Ali: but seriously, that’s very much the normal response

Jude: good timing to have really lived before my life's over

Ali: Your life isn’t over

Jude: it might as well be cos it's not gonna go back to normal

Jude: whatever I do

Ali: you feel like that now, you won’t always

Jude: idk nan, that sounds super fake

Ali: I obviously did it one way, but I know people who did it the other

Ali: we’re all alright, pretty much

Jude: okay I'll choose to believe you're not just saying it to make me feel better

Ali: Obviously I would, that’s my job

Ali: but I also mean it so do believe me

Ali: is there anything you need that you won’t be able to find at mine?

Jude: what like the bravery to 🗨️ to my boyfriend & parents or?

Ali: I’m sure I’ve got some alcohol lying about

Ali: but not my recommendation so 🤫 on that or your mum will be really mad at me

Jude: I can't drink

Jude: that's literally the 1st thing they tell you not to

after 🚭

Ali: I was kidding, sweetheart

Ali: poorly timed, perhaps

Jude: YOU might be but I'm not NOT considering it as a 💡

Jude: I'm in the worst trouble so

Ali: you wouldn’t be the first

Jude: I don't mean that it's just

Jude: Toby's got the 1 track mind, why isn't he crying on a bus & having to break the news to me?

Jude: I don't wanna have to do this

Ali: You can’t worry about ruining his peace

Ali: of course you don’t wanna have to do this, but you still

have to, you got into it together, the minimal is getting out of it together too

Jude: I know

Ali: If he’s worth his salt, he’ll give you that and not too much grief, you can share in it

Jude: He is

Ali: Glad to hear it 😌

Jude: can I bring him over when I wanna do it? I don't know where else we'd hang out that I can even hear myself speak

Ali: Yeah, ‘course

Ali: I can make myself as scarce or present as you need/want

Ali: it might be… not nice but what you want, to just be you two, once you’ve got to grips of how it will feel and what will happen, which we can work out beforehand

Jude: you're not gonna be there?

Ali: It’s up to you

Ali: I just need you to tell your parents first if you can

Ali: I don’t think it’d be great for me to go behind their back, as it were

Ali: If you really can’t, I could talk to them for you, but it’ll be best coming from you

Jude: you're right, it's my mess

Jude: I'll do it

Ali: I’ll be on the phone if you need backup

Ali: again, I won’t just turn up with you straight away, but you know I will come if you need if it’s not going well

Jude: it's not gonna go well, but I can't blame them, it's not great news

Ali: yeah

Ali: but you know, worse than you can handle

Jude: Yeah

Ali: you’re doing great so far

Jude: very funny

Ali: I can do better than that if I’m trying, come on

Ali: you are, there’s no better you can do really, given the situation

Jude: I've not done anything but a test & that didn't even go the way I wanted

Jude: nobody is gonna give me a 🏆

Ali: no

Ali: but you can give yourself the 🤏 bit of a break, there’s not anything you can do on that bus right now, so take that time

Jude: but what I said about wanting a sec to think was total bollocks, I don’t, what’s gonna happen next is too scary to think about

Ali: it’s just because it’s unknown, it’ll be a lot less scary when you understand what’s going to happen

Jude: I can’t do it

Jude: it shouldn’t be me making this massive decision

Ali: you can, and you will

Jude: you’ve forgotten how long it took me to pick between school subjects & I’m only really bothered about one of them

Ali: I didn’t say it’d be easy

Ali: you’ll either do it or the 🕑 will decide for you

Jude: how long did it take you?

Ali: Honestly?

Ali: I just did it, I can’t say I gave it much thought

Ali: I just knew

Ali: but I didn’t think about anyone else, honestly, and I’m not going to say that’s right

Jude: I can’t stop thinking about mum & dad

Ali: That’s a good thing

Jude: but then how am I gonna know I’m doing what I want instead of just what I know they want?

Ali: Those two things might look or be the same, if they’re that intertwined

Ali: but when it comes down to it, if you don’t want to do something, you won’t be able to do it

Ali: no one is forcing you, that’s the important thing, even if your parents and other people have ideas, no one will be insisting you do anything, so what you do, will be something you can live with

Jude: you’ve made it sound way simpler than it is but okay

Ali: I don’t fancy making things sound or feel any more complicated for you

Ali: it’s a big decision, one of the biggest, I know

Jude: he’ll help me make it though, like you said & then I’ll talk to mum & dad

Jude: it’s a plan

Ali: It is

Jude: what do you reckon I should do?

Ali: I can’t tell you what to do, what would be best for you, only you can work that out

Jude: yeah but you must have an opinion still

Ali: I don’t think it’s helpful to give it though

Jude: I care what you think, it’s obviously gonna be helpful to hear

Jude: especially cos you have experience of this exact thing

Ali: It’s just, I’m trying to say whatever anyone thinks won’t matter, truly, when it comes down to it

Ali: so all it’d do would be placing expectation or needless guilt

Ali: you’ll do what you have to do and I’ll be there regardless, and I’m happy about that, whatever you end up doing, okay

Ali: that’s all that matters

Jude: okay, okay, don’t tell me

Jude: I love you too

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starlightshore · 4 years

Note

im kinda want to get into this sort of thing so is it okay to ask u a few questions? if not just delete this, but here goes? would u reccomend game maker studio 2, and how hard is it to use in ur opinion? and is there anything u wish u knew at the beginning of making ur fangame?

aw anon you’re so sweet! don’t worry about asking about this, its really exciting to make games and trying new things! i would not say i’m an expert, and i wouldn’t even say i know gml like. at all. i just understand a how the code is used, but now what the code itself is or what to type exactly. like, i understand the theory more so than actually doing it. which is, eh, fine? i’m getting by, and i’m still learning. i’ve only been using gms 2 for 2 months now.

also, i’m using a fangame engine! i feel its kinda like cheating lmao, but its just meant to be a framework to build your own thing off of. and i still need to learn gms2 to use it, and i plan on doing more advanced and complicated things (ie: changing how battles even work structurally.) so. i’m not good at gsm2 yet, but uh, really once you understand coding its not any harder than i’d imagine w/ other professional game engines. compared to unity, i like this better because it seems built on the idea of making 2d sprite games. its SO much more simpler and the userface (while. i’m not a fan of how it has its workspace but whatever) is simple and easy to grasp.

i can’t say for certain if i recommend game maker. its very pricey and doesn’t go on sale often. (big sales i mean, it goes on 15% somewhat frequently) i really, really recommend doing your research first.

so here i talk about what game engines i’ve used over the last year. (also i hear Godot is good!)

at the end of that post i said this: “TLDR; figure out what kind of game and story you want to tell/make. i could of saved a year’s worth of work if i just sat myself down and realized i wanted to make a completely new fangame separate from my old blog stuff. and that i wanted to make an rpg specifically.“

and so! past me has good advice. figure out the scope and what story do you want to tell. with AL, I know it has 2 chapters, and rn i’m only concentrating on chapter 1. chp 1 has 7 nights and one area where you fight enemies. its very story/character driven and is more so like. a deconstruction of the rpg genre than an actual rpg game. (i know that the word deconstruction is over used as hell, but it is what this is.)

it builds off the themes of the original, while focusing on things that i want to focus on and develop. ut, at it’s heart, is about stories and grief, i’m just taking it to a different extreme and angle.

uh, anyway, i really wish i knew what i wanted to make and understood the source material more and what i wanted to make. i’ve. thought really really hard over what UT means, what message toby was trying to convey, how he did it and what I thought about it. understanding what YOU want from and for your project is the most important thing. WHY do you want to make this? WHAT do you want people to feel and think about when playing? or even, after playing? it doesn’t have to be super deep either.

so, figure out what you what to make, and then you can work on the how. really plan your story, but honestly i wouldn’t recommend planning it in super big details right off. also, super helpful to have a friend help you brainstorm and plot check things for you. (shout out to my friend the sniffer

anyway, don’t plan things TOO detailed because things are GOING to change no matter how well you plan! just try to get get an outline done, then rewrite it 5 more times and then MAYBE you’ll be ready to tackle a more detailed version. then write it 5 more times. i can’t stress enough how important planning is, and how you shouldn’t expect everything to work out even on draft 10! things will work, and when they do, draft 10 is going to look like bad awful nonsense cause you’re at draft 20 now and everything is much more coherent and better. games aren’t written or consumed all at once on the fly. its not a piece of fanart, a fanfic, a comic. its not updated more than once. its out, and then its just out. plan for it.

and real quick, don’t worry about art assets! depending on how you do the art, that’s most likely going to change and its going to be polished LAST. i could go more into how you should think of art when game developing, but thats another topic. just. honestly use shitty art assets and worry about it later.

kris’ place holder sprite for deltarune ^ it don’t need to be pretty, it needs to be practical.

second advice: start SMALL!!! i feel i should of done this, and frankly i probably will have to sit down and do this lmao, basically, you should make boring small games to learn the basics. I know, i know, nobody really wants to recreate asteroid when you got big ideas of making stories and animations u wanna make. but like. you really need to figure out how the program works and how the code works in theory and practice.

ok so like, think of coding like this. i got this from a skillshare video series, so uh. i’m going to retell this but in a shittier and likely less nuanced way. sorry

ok so imagine. you’re telling this guy who is trying to get to Gary’s house. now, Gary’s house is just down the road, few houses down, now, you can tell this guy that and he’ll likely find the house just fine. but if you’re telling a robot it’s not going to understand what “down the road” means. what road? how long? it needs instructions that are simple and work in a language it understands.

so you tell the robot “go down two houses, stop at sign until x seconds pass, turn right, go forward 1 house, turn ect. stop at house, ring doorbell. IF Gary answers, go inside; ELSE: do not go inside, wait;

so this what i mean by understanding the theory behind the code rather than the code itself. yes there’s complexities and differences in each language, but they’re ALL based on the same concepts. different program languages are less like different speech languages, but rather different dialects of the same. (uh, like us english vs uk english) its just different rules and “spellings” of the same core concepts.

next advice: don’t be afraid to ask for help! but also! do so within reason! if people are OPEN for helping, be sure do so in the right environment and within what time works for them. compensate people for the time and effort if you can. ALWAYS try to figure out the solution yourself first. often with coding, it can be a simple solution that you could of thought of yourself if you took the initiative to. google is your friend, youtube is your friend! (ok, youtube isn’t, but in this case! yes!) the answer might not always be easy to find, and its perfectly fine to look for help but its good to at least try on your own first!

speaking of which! LEARN LEARN LEARN! be ready to devote A LOT of time to watching and reading about game development. this goes to every game making program, not just gms2. i watch. so many videos on gms. i rec having the video play at 1.5x or 2x speed to cut down time. obvs you still need to retain the information, so speed might be not a good idea then. and its REALLY GOOD to pause and type out the code and follow along. but its also good to just understand the concepts, and theres no harm in rewatching once you’ve understood it better at a different speed.

things WILL click and work out for you, and its going to be a very time consuming and long journey to get there. i LOVE making this game and telling this story but I also had no idea what i was getting into! and i probably will have more advice once i’m further in, (i’ve only used gms 2 for 2 months!) but thats the best i can say for now! i hope you pursue your dreams and start making things!!! you can do it!!!

the best time to start is yesterday, the second best time is right now! even if you put a little effort into it everyday, you’ll build up progress and you can learn SO MUCH over time and theres this whole world of possibilities out there! the world NEEDS your story and your perspective, and i think creating it in anyway you can is necessary for humanity! your work will mean something to someone someday, and i am so excited for you to start your journey!

#i know u probs meant gms2 specifically but this got a little out of hand lmao #long post #personal stuff #sams replies #Anonymous

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albatris · 5 years

Note

Hello! I think it was you I saw a post about making more realistic characters with psychosis (I think that's the right word?), and I was wondering if you have any guidelines or help saved for what to do and not to do with them? Because I'm making a new character right now and it sounds like psychosis might fit with them so I want to see if I could make it work :) thank you so much for any help or nudges towards help that you can give! I hope you have a wonderful day!

Hello! Aha yeah that was probably me, or if it wasn’t me that particular time you’re thinking of, it absolutely has been me at some point or another, I’m definitely not quiet about how much I’m on the lookout for realistic psychosis rep. And I’m super happy you’re looking into it! We definitely need more of it! Much excitement on my end over here and good luck with your character-creating and research! I hope you’re having a wonderful day too!!

OK LONG POST

So firstly I wanna emphasise that “psychosis” itself is a super broad label that encompasses a lot of different symptoms and experiences! And that there are many different psychotic disorders. In terms of psychosis symptoms, most commonly people think of hallucinations, delusions and paranoia. And while you can have a character whose psychosis is limited to those things, because any array and combination of symptoms is possible, this isn’t the case for many psychotic people! There are a lot of other common facets of psychosis that exist that are hardly ever addressed in fiction (and are specific criteria for certain psychotic disorders). I will talk about some of these in one of my lists! This is something to be aware of regardless, but especially if you’re going to be depicting a specific disorder, because often there are a lot more symptoms/criteria that go into a psychotic disorder than people think and you’ll want to do your research on the disorder in question.

Anyway so this is a HUGE question and I’ve broken my response into some lists, we’ve got some lists, we’ve got a general what to do list, a general what not to do list, and a things I would personally love to see more of but aren’t applicable to every story and context list

some non-exhaustive lists, hey, because I’m sure I’ve forgotten a bunch of things that I’ll think of later and be like Oh Man I Forgot That Thing

and I wanna emphasise re my what to do and what not to do lists, these lists are gonna be fairly general, because without knowing your specific story and the character in question, I can’t cover all the things, yeah? For me to get super specific with these lists it would depend on the character in question, the premise of your story, the setting, the specific symptoms you want to represent, etc, etc…

ANYWAY

LIST TIME

AND READMORE TIME UNDER THE CUT

we’re gonna start with….. (because my first dot point is my most important and literally no other reason)

What not to do

Firstly, don’t freak out. Try not to get overwhelmed! Honestly it can seem like a really huge thing to tackle, but don’t let anxiety about getting it wrong stop you from trying, if you decide that this is something you want to include for your character. You can start small, you can work bits and pieces into your character, you can explore different things and see what happens! Anyone who is writing an experience that they themselves haven’t experienced is bound to make some mistakes, and that’s more than okay! Be open to learning and listening!

Don’t use psychosis for a cheap plot twist or shock value. Hey, there’s lots and lots of ableist twists and tropes out there involving psychosis. Stuff like “none of it was real, it was just some crazy mentally ill person’s fantasy the whole time!!!!” tends to be tired and stale at best and horribly ableist at worst. Also certain tropes in fantasy settings such as schizophrenia being caused by demons can get real dicey real quick. If you want to go the direction of having some sort of “twist” around it, definitely ask around and get some opinions from psychotic people on it. Like, absolutely, twists around psychosis can be done, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle them.

Don’t present psychosis as some sort of horrible dead end or the worst possible thing that can happen to a person. This is something I see a weird amount of? Please do your best not to present psychosis as some awful world-ending tragedy, do your best not to treat it like some sort of fate worse than death. Like absolutely psychosis can be debilitating and exhausting and difficult to deal with at times, but as a non-psychotic author please do not use it as, like, grief p-rn or whatever. Also we end up dying at the end of a lot of stories and that’s supposed to be, like, a relief? Like “oh they never would have had a happy life, this is probably for the best” and like whoa that’s not probably not a great message to be sending. You can definitely delve into some of the challenges and struggles of psychosis but be really mindful of the way you’re talking about it. And the idea that psychotic people can’t live happy, fulfilling lives is something that needs to die like yesterday

Don’t have the character’s psychosis only present when it’s convenient for the plot. This goes for any mental illness, and I see it with every mental illness. It’s something that exists in the plot only when it’s cool and edgy, or only when it’s convenient, or only when it’s relevant. Or, the illness will exist, but only the symptoms that the author can glamorise or use for edgy plot purposes. Another way of phrasing this is psychosis doesn’t exist in your story just to make it interesting. It’s not something you can dip in and out of and only commit to when it’s easy or when it suits your story. That doesn’t mean it has to be the sole focus or all-encompassing, but it does mean you need to actually commit.

If you’re not psychotic, I highly highly highly advise against writing a psychotic villain. And I know me saying outright “don’t write a psychotic villain” is probably gonna strike some nerves for people because blah blah people can write whatever they want and blah blah there’s a way to do everything respectfully and blah blah what if my psychotic villain is a sympathetic character and morally complex and not all bad and look, I get it, I get it, I get it

I’m sure it is possible to write an interesting, morally complex, respectfully-depicted psychotic villain, but that’s not the point, that’s not the problem! The issue is that we have barely any psychotic heroes and protagonists and good guys! We have no positive rep to balance it out! We might have more space for well-written psychotic villains if we had an equal amount of psychotic good guys. Like…. psychosis is terrifying and isolating enough to deal with on its own, but adding to this is the fact that most of the representation we see is in the form of villains, antagonists, killers, etc. and like…. not only is that awful to see as a psychotic person, but fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and psychosis is already misunderstood and demonised enough

This is less a hard-and-fast DON’T DO THIS and more just a very very strong opinion, like, I can’t stop you if that’s what you’re doing but just. something to bear in mind, y’know?

And now onto:

What to do

Listen to psychotic people in your research! (You knew this one was coming, hopefully!) A whole serious tonne of your research should come in the form of sources by actual psychotic people, like, read their work! Read their books! Read their papers! Visit blogs, visit forums, listen to their experiences! Listen to their experiences of the specific symptoms you want to include in your story! Most importantly, take in what they’re saying and don’t assume you know better than them about their lived experiences!

You’ll get a much better sense of how psychosis affects people and the different ways people deal with it, and you will learn things you would not have even considered otherwise! Medical webpages and articles are fine but if you want a realistic portrayal, this is absolutely not an optional step. I have read way too many books with psychotic rep written by authors who have clearly just………. never actually listened to a psychotic person talk about their experiences in their entire life and it’s actually mind-boggling to me

On this note, I follow a lot of psychosis support and information blogs on here for psychosis reasons, but a lot of these blogs are okay with and happy for people to follow them for learning or to gain a better knowledge of psychosis to support others in their lives or to ask questions about experiences. You can also find a lot of YouTube channels where people with psychosis talk about their experiences. These sorts of things can be a good place to start!

Research psychosis itself, not “writing psychotic characters”. General advice posts about how to write psychotic characters can be a good jumping off point and link to some good resources, but they’re a step removed and shouldn’t form the entire basis of your research. These posts can be great, especially if they’re made by people who experience psychosis, but they’re still meant as a starting point and you should be doing your own research as well. As a general rule, your research shouldn’t come primarily through the lens of “how do I write a psychotic character”, and should very much come through the lens of “what are psychotic experiences?” and “how do people deal with psychosis?” and “how does psychosis affect people?” and other such questions, so that you have the knowledge of to write these characters.

Also, because “how to write psychotic characters” as a google search will lead you through a plethora of terrible pages titled things like “HOW TO WRITE AN INSANE UNSTABLE CHARACTER!!!” and things that equate psychosis to being inherently violent, evil, unstable, dangerous, etc. and, I mean, I shouldn’t have to tell you that there’s absolutely nothing of value to be found in these pages? But hey.

On that note, ableist language is a huge red flag for “hey this source is a bad source”. Be mindful of your non-psychotic sources.

Be aware that there are also negative and cognitive symptoms of psychosis, and positive symptoms other than hallucinations and delusions. So I mentioned this a bit earlier, that there are a lot of other facets of psychosis that I rarely see addressed in fiction. For a lot of psychotic and schizospec disorders the symptoms can fall under the categories of positive symptoms (which “add” something, eg, delusions, hallucinations (auditory, visual, tactile, pretty much any sense) disorganised behaviour, disorganised speech), negative symptoms (which “take away”, eg, lack of motivation, flat affect, reduced speech, social withdrawal) and cognitive symptoms (eg, memory problems, disorganised thoughts, concentration problems, difficulty processing information). For most people with psychosis there will be a range of symptoms across these areas. Even if you’re not currently experiencing positive symptoms, negative and cognitive symptoms can be affecting areas of your life as well.

Of course, it’s definitely possible to experience only a handful of symptoms and there are plenty of people who experience some symptoms of psychosis outside of having a specific psychotic disorder, so it depends on what applies to your character. That being said, it is something I would love to see a lot more of in fiction because it’s………. honestly a really huge part of psychosis experience for a majority of people? And it can really help a realistic representation, as well as giving some visibility to other, less-known effects of psychosis. THAT being said, if you are writing a specific disorder such as schizophrenia, schizoaffective, etc, including other symptoms is definitely not optional. There are a lot of cookie-cutter representations of disorders like schizophrenia that barely cover half of what schizophrenia actually involves. Again, research is ur best bud

Understand that for a lot of people, psychosis isn’t really a switch that flips from ON to OFF. What I mean by this is for a lot of people, while psychosis can come in episodes, it affects most of a person’s life one way or another. Like for me personally, even on my best week, it’s still something that shapes the way I understand the world and it’s a lens through which I interpret the reality around me. It’s not something that disappears completely. It’s not something I can untangle from my gender and my sexuality or my experiences of religion or my relationships, it’s not necessarily something I can untangle from myself as a person. I have a different relationship with the world around me, and that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes it’s a nice thing. Sometimes it’s a difficult thing. Mostly, it’s just a thing. So when you’re writing a character who experiences psychosis, consider the ways it might present itself and what affects of it might be present outside of an episode. This might be in the way they see the world, or the way they speak, or the way they go about their every day life such as rituals or safety or clothing choices or things they avoid. Honestly there’s such a huge diverse range of experiences and it will depend on your character.

Understand that no two experiences of psychosis are going to be the same. Again, “psychosis” itself is a super broad label that encompasses a lot of symptoms that can come in any number of combinations and presentations, and even two people with the exact same set of symptoms can have those symptoms expressed in entirely different ways. Even two people with the same disorder are going to have different experiences of it. And beyond the differences in psychosis itself, the experience of psychosis intersects with other aspects of a person’s identity such as sexuality, gender, race, religion, etc. in fairly major ways as well. There’s not a “one size fits all” when it comes to experiencing psychosis. Consider what sorts of experiences might impact your character and understand the diversity of experiences! Research, research

Remember that first and foremost, you’re writing a character. They have a life, opinions, likes, dislikes, neighbours, goals, whatever. Their experience with psychosis may be something that shapes their life significantly and something that affects a lot of other facets of their experience, or it might not be, but either way it’s not the only part of their identity. Your character should be just as varied and nuanced and in-depth as any of your other characters.

and now a definitely non-exhaustive list but a list that’s good enough for now considering my brain is fried:

Things I would personally love to see more of but aren’t applicable to every story and context

Casual, everyday depictions of going about life with psychosis. I mean, this is just in general, in general I would love to see more representation in fiction of mentally ill characters going about their daily lives alongside Whatever Nonsense is going on in the main plot, where it’s acknowledged that they’re also attending therapy or taking meds or dealing with symptoms or in treatment. I think it can go a huge way in the normalisation of people dealing with mental illness and the fact that mental illness is a part of some people’s lives. I would love to see this specifically in stories that aren’t About Mental Illness. Like, an urban fantasy story where a character is shown casually taking their meds? Or a YA story where a character mentions they can’t do a particular thing ‘cause they have a psych appointment booked for that day? Or characters using coping strategies and it’s not treated as weird or other? Just, characters with psychosis, existing, in their every day lives

Supportive friends and family, or good support networks in general. Partly because I’m a sucker for found family tropes and cheesy power of friendship stories, but like, psychotic characters with friends who support them and understand them and who help them with their coping strategies! Psychotic characters with healthy support systems and friendships! Psychotic characters who get to goof off and have fun with their friends, and who get to support and help their friends! Psychotic characters who get to have romantic relationships with supportive partners!

Happy endings! I mentioned this earlier, too, like…… in terms of representation, so much of what’s out there is either psychotic characters as villains or psychotic characters dying tragically, and this over and over and over again, y’know, eventually the message being driven home is “there is no good ending for you!” which is………. bullshit, obviously. But it can be terribly isolating and scary to internalise if you’re experiencing psychosis, and even if you know it’s bullshit, it’s exhausting! You want to see yourself represented as someone who has a future and can be happy! As I said earlier, the idea that psychotic people can’t live happy, whole, fulfilling lives needs to die, and we are in dire, dire need of stories with good endings for psychotic people.

Explicit representation of specific disorders. I was going to say that schizophrenia is something most people think of when it comes to psychosis representation in fiction, but like, honestly, a lot of those writers don’t even do the bare minimum research for what schizophrenia involves and they have a really stereotyped version of the disorder that they clearly haven’t researched at all……. but anyway yes, my point is, there are a lot of different psychotic disorders, and I would love to see some of them represented explicitly, and not just left vague and unlabelled. I would also like to see accurate, well-researched, actual representation of schizophrenia. I would also like to see psychotic depression! Or schizotypal personality disorder! Or schizoaffective! I’d like to see some actual names

Anyway that’s all that’s coming to me right now even though I’ve probably missed like fifty things for each of these lists……………… I hope that this has been a little bit helpful, maybe, somewhat, perhaps, who knows, I reserve the right to come back and say more things,

#Anonymous #hngnhnhgrwejrhgihrg i always type answers like this and then i'm like #ok but is any of this what u actually wanted?#i hope i've been somewhat useful or at least sorta pointed you in some directions #disclaimer i'm just one person of many people and my word is just like. my thoughts. my opinions. i guess #also be proud of me for going this entire post without using the phrase ''first and foremosterly'' which is my current thing for some #godforsaken reason #i'm really here for first and foremosterly and here for therefore and thusly #considering ''alasly'' as well that could be fun #going to pepper these into my vocabulary starting today #none of that is relevant whatsoever to this post i'm just tired

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idratherstayslytherin · 5 years

Text

Re-writing the story I once wrote, but not really

Some of you may remember my fic “The Feelings We Can’t Let Go”.

It began as a head canon, then the lovely person on tumblr wrote the more put together version of it. We decided to write the fic together. It was going well until university and UK fucked me over. During this whole madness my co-writer disappeared from tumblr and I can’t contact her. I have tried it many times. She didn’t reply. I started writing the fic myself determined to finish it, but my life is hell rn and I don’t have the time to write the two last chapters. I do have the outline and hopefully after i start earning money and start actually getting better mentally and studying and money wise, I’ll finish it. For now I went back to the first version of the headcanon I made with my co-writer and noticed A LOT OF GRAMMAR mistakes as well as some things that weren’t making sense. I wanted to re write this kind of first chapter, so I did. I added a lot of new text, fixed all the mistakes that I could see and ta da! There you have it. You have to be happy with just this until I have the time to finish this damn fic. I want it to be enjoyable, but also make sense, maybe even help people with their own problems, I want it to seem real and I want it to be a lovely love story. I’m a romantic shoot me. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy it! Let me know what you think of it <3 I love reading your comments. Also if any artist wants to idk make a fanart of my work now or after I finish this damn fic and have a beta read it , then feel free to do so. Okay, I’m talking way too much, just STFU Ola, no one wants to listen to you rumble :D

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Harry felt like he should have wanted to go back to Hogwarts. Even worse, he knew he should go back there. But he just couldn’t convince himself, not even with Hermione and Ginny returning. Then again, Ron wasn’t going back either, and he didn’t even feel guilty about it, not even after Hermione talked to him about the importance of learning and getting the best possible results in their NEWTs. He got a bit of yelling too, but Hermione directed most of it at Ron, leaving Harry to deal with an angry and sad Ginny, who wanted him to go back.

But there they were on the first of September at King’s Cross station saying their goodbyes and waving after the Hogwarts Express before apparating back to Grimmauld Place. Ron had no intentions of spending the year at the Burrow, it was too far away from London, and he wanted to help George out at Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes in Diagon Alley. He also admitted that he couldn’t really deal with his parents’ grief, and Harry was more than happy to offer him accommodation, not only because Ron was his best mate, but he really needed the company. Grimmauld Place might have looked a lot less gloomy since they renovated it, spending all June and most of July sorting and chucking out old furniture and artefacts, knocking down some of the walls (this being the only way of getting rid of the horrible yelling portrait of Sirius’ mother), and painting the rest in brighter shades, the house was still way too big for one person.

Soon, having turned Hogwarts down, Harry found himself obliged to decide on what he wanted to do with his life or at least the foreseeable future. Of course everyone expected him to become an auror, it seemed like the most obvious choice, but despite admittedly being interested in the job back in their fifth year, he wasn’t sure anymore if he wanted to go along with it. He might have defeated Voldemort, but was that really what he was destined to do all his life? Hunt down dark wizards?

He decided on meeting with Kingsley to discuss further possibilities. After getting detailed information about all of jobs he recommended to Harry, and spending three days straight going through the descriptions, forms and books he got, he was sure he would either want to become an Unspeakable or a Curse-breaker. He would have been happy to dive back into his books and papers to choose one of the two jobs. However Ron was already complaining about the whole house being littered with the papers; how Harry did nothing except sit on the couch, read and compare and read and compare; so Harry decided to give himself some time to consider his choice, meanwhile enjoying his freedom.

Do you seriously want to be an Unspeakable?" Ron asked, his mouth full. This was the only part of the last few days he was enjoying, the takeaway they had every evening. "You can never shut up about what you are doing. Do you really think you could go without telling anyone anything about your job?"

"Probably not." Harry shrugged, picking up another slice of pizza. "Though I guess I’ll have to, and it will be worth it.

"C’mon, Curse-breaking seems much more interesting. I’d go with that without hesitation."

"Well then why don’t you? And let me become who I want to be?" Harry snapped. He ate the last bit of pizza, and wiped his hands. " Sorry I didn’t mean that, I’m tired. " He apologised as soon as he realised Ron said nothing that should have angered him. He rubbed his eyes.

"Hardly surprising, you barley slept these past few days, mate, seriously. Just forget about this job thing for a while, it isn’t going to do you any good. Besides, it’s not like you have to start work instantly, you have enough money to live happily for the rest of your life."

"I did sleep last night." Harry protested, deciding not to comment on the money part, as what Ron said was true, he did have a vault full of money. His friend didn’t, and even though he offered to help them, they never accepted it. What he also didn’t mention was that even though he did get a bit of sleep, he kept waking up from nightmares, and if it hadn’t been for the coffee he had every two hours, he would have nodded off halfway through the day. The nightmares, and pretty much everything else connected to the war were one of those topics they avoided. It sometimes resulted in uncomfortable silences, Harry agreed that it was better this way.

"I wonder who else from our year is going back to school." Ron said, changing the topic. "I know Neville decided to do the auror training. And Seamus isn’t going back either, he said something about opening some pub in Diagon."

"I think I heard Dean was going back."

"Oh yeah I heard that too. And Padma and Parvati. I don’t know about anyone else though."

"Me neither. I only know that most of the Slytherins aren’t returning, a lot of them got house arrests with their parents and stuff like that."

"Malfoy?"

"House arrest, in France. But I think he will be taking NEWTs."

"He deserves to rot in Azkaban with his father" Ron scowled.

"He isn’t that bad. I mean he did save my life once" Harry said, though he didn’t sound too sure about it. He might not have despised him as much as he did before, but it was still Malfoy.

"Yeah, and then you saved his, so don’t get any funny ideas of owing him or anything" Ron told him, making Harry grin, Ron knew him more than anyone else. He did feel like he owed Malfoy, a bit at least, but he guessed that speaking in his favour at the trials made them equal.

"Alright" Harry laughed. He vanished the empty pizza boxes, and stood up, yawning. "I’m tired, let’s pack it in for the day."

"I second that" Ron stood up as well, and the two friends made their way upstairs to their bedrooms, Ron in one of the guest ones, Harry sleeping in Sirius’s old room.

Days passed, Harry visited Kingsley once again, then spent another day reading before eventually deciding on Curse-breaking, which seemed ideal for him except for one small thing: he needed an Exceeds Expectations in Potions. Which was impossible to say the least with his skill and knowledge. So he went to the Ministry again, and consulted with several people before agreeing to let them find him a tutor.

He ended up spending a week doing whatever he wanted, before he got any news on the matter. He visited Ron and George; he went to Muggle London; he started repainting Sirius’s old motorbike that Arthur fixed for him, leaving the finishing touches for Harry. He also sat around at home, waiting for Ginny’s face to appear in the fireplace, so she could tell him about school, and he could tell her how much he missed her. He also thought about who will be chosen as his tutor. Was it going to be some weird old Potions master like Slughorn or someone distant and cold, but really talented and intelligent like Snape, or maybe just someone of his age, who was better at the subject than him? The Ministry owl arrived on Friday, with the name and address of his tutor. But something was wrong, the address was somewhere in France. And the name was Draco Lucius Malfoy.

"Are you kidding me? Malfoy?" Ron asked horrified, when he read through the letter Harry shoved into his face as soon as he got home that evening. "Don’t tell me there isn’t anyone else in the whole wizarding world who could help you in Potions. Why did they have to choose that git?"

"I have no idea" Harry sighed. "But it’s not just that. Why France? Why can’t it be someone here in London? I don’t speak French, I don’t know anyone there, it just doesn’t make any sense."

"Can’t you ask the Ministry to find you someone else?"

"Already tried. But apparently Malfoy is the best solution, as we know each other, and we would both benefit from it."

"Both benefit from it?! How would you both benefit from it? What would Malfoy benefit from it? You are lucky to actually learn something if you don’t get killed, but how can he benefit from it?"

"Search me" Harry rolled his eyes.

"When are you leaving?"

"I have a Portkey for next Wednesday."

"Wednesday? But that’s less than a week!"

"I know, but I guess I’ll just have to do it, no matter what."

"This sucks, mate."

"I know. If I don’t get an O after this, I swear I’ll be using some Unforgivables on some people."

The next few days passed quickly, way too quickly in Harry’s opinion, and soon he found himself at the Ministry, looking at the corkscrew on the table, his belongings in his pocket, all shrunken.

"Here goes nothing" he muttered, before taking hold of the charmed corkscrew, and letting it transport him in only a few seconds to his destination: a little French town.

From what he saw on his walk to the Malfoys’ place (Kingsley thought it would be safer for him to arrive outside the town for whatever reason), he thought it could have been England, the small cottages were no different from those they had back there. The one Malfoy and Narcissa were living in was just like the others, a simple Muggle house. The Ministry told him that he would be staying there in a spare bedroom made for him with the help of the expansion charm, until he mastered the needed level of potionmaking, practising in Malfoy's lab. Apart from this, all he knew was that Narcissa had a Muggle job helping out at a clothes shop in the town, and Draco also worked a bit from home, neither of them allowed to leave the boundaries the Ministry had set, and neither of them possessing a wand.

Narcissa greeted him when he arrived, looking as pale and tired as ever, and much to Harry’s surprise wearing a simple blouse and jeans, something he never thought he’d see her in. She showed him around the house before retreating to the living room where she was sorting through some papers, telling him that Malfoy was in his room, and that he should make himself comfortable in the his bedroom. Harry thanked her, and did as she suggested, unpacking, and quickly Flooing Ron and Ginny before lying down, hoping for a decent night’s sleep, not only so he would have all the energy he needed for next day to face Malfoy, but because he would have felt extremely embarrassed if he had woken up screaming from his nightmares like he did sometimes. Then again, a simple muffliato charm should do for the latter.

Next day he woke up feeling surprisingly fresh and well-rested, that didn't mean he was ready to study Potions. With Malfoy. In France. When he could have been at home, spending time with his friends, or just enjoying his freedom.

But then he reminded himself he needed this to get the job he wanted, so gritting his teeth, he headed downstairs to where Narcissa said the lab was, where his old nemesis was already waiting for him.

"Malfoy" he greeted him, sitting down at the table looking around. The walls were filled with shelves of books and tiny bottles, each of them full of liquids of different colours, labelled neatly. The work space however, was empty except for two cauldrons and a copy of a simple Potions schoolbook. Harry's eyes shifted towards Malfoy, who looked pretty much the same as he did the last time Harry saw him, apart from his white-blonde hair being longer, the strands escaping his elegant hair. He also seemed much thinner, Harry noticed, he must have lost at least 20 pounds, it made the boy's features much sharper and angled than they were before.

"Potter." he nodded, restraining himself from scowling, sitting down opposite to Harry. "So, I’ve heard the Chosen One may not be as perfect as everyone thought so. Problems with Potions? Seriously?"

"Shut up Malfoy!" Harry snapped. He wasn’t expecting any different, but it still angered him that the other boy was already getting under his skin.

"Whatever, Potter." Malfoy shrugged. "But then don’t expect to get anything better than a D." He smirked.

"Fine." Harry said angrily. "Just shut up about other things and let’s get on with it. I get it, I won’t pass the stupid exam without the help of perfect Draco Malfoy, who is the best Ministry-recommended tutor in the whole Wizarding world, but we’d make better progress if you actually started explaining things" he snarled.

For a moment Harry thought this would be the end, and Malfoy would stalk out, but after glaring at each other, the blonde broke the eye contact and opened the course book without any further ado, and started explaining everything, starting from the very basics. Harry soon found, that even though he would never admit it to anyone else, Malfoy was a good teacher. He cleared up some things Harry previously didn't understand; and apart from the snarky comments, he was almost patient. Well he did snap and start shouting and swearing when Harry messed up a potion even after trying several times, but still. He was way better than what Harry had expected.

Soon they developed a daily routine which consisted of going down to have breakfast on their own, avoiding each other; having a short, theoretical lesson in the morning; having lunch on their own; a longer practical lesson in the afternoon; spending time on their own; then having dinner on their own, except for when Narcissa insisted that they should sit together, which usually resulted in glares and uncomfortable silences.

But Harry was definitely improving at potions, and after all, that was what mattered. As two weeks passed, and October was drawing nearer, Harry found himself tired of arguing with Malfoy, and the other boy must have felt the same way, because all of a sudden the nasty remarks were gone, and they were actually capable of spending time in one room without wanting to kill one another. This definitely was an improvement. Malfoy would actually compliment him if he did something right, and Harry would smile at him. They didn’t try so hard to avoid each other in the time between the lessons, but actually greeted each other, and sometimes even stopped to have short conversations. Nothing too serious or deep, only little things, but this was already much better, Harry realised that Malfoy’s company was actually quite alright sometimes, now that they weren’t constantly arguing.

Weeks passed, and Harry was getting used to living there, and as now he felt more comfortable around the Malfoys, he decided it was time to change some things. He started going for walks around the town and the countryside. He spent a bit more time with Malfoy, they stayed in the lab every so often after the lessons and just talked. One evening Harry even asked Narcissa if he could cook something. They have been eating takeaway pretty much everyday, and Harry didn’t mind it, but after over a month, he had to admit it, it was getting a little repeatable, and he was craving a home-made meal.

Narcissa was surprised, but happy to let Harry work in the kitchen, so after making a quick supply run to the shop around the corner to get all the ingredients he needed for the curry, his favourite dish, he occupied the kitchen.

As he started heating the oil and chopping up the onions, the unmistakable smell of cooking filled his nose, he realised how much he missed it. Cooking was one of those things the Dursleys made him do, but he didn’t really mind it when he was making food for himself or his friends, and after seven years at Hogwarts without cooking, he enjoyed experimenting with all kinds of recipes that he learned from Muggle cook books.

He had started dicing the meat when he grew aware of someone watching him. As he looked up, he saw Malfoy standing in the doorway, watching him.

"You know, it’s not too polite to stare" he said, smirking at the boy. "And do try to be more secretive if you want to look at me." He added, grinning as he saw Malfoy blush, which was definitely something he hadn’t expected to see. Ever. But now that he did, he couldn't stop laughing, making the blonde boy blush even harder, his normally pale face was a deep shade of red. "You should see your face now!" he choked out, holding onto the counter as he tried to calm down, suppressing the laughter that was bubbling in his stomach. Malfoy just stood by the door, glaring at him, his face still flushed. "I’m just messing with you, no need to plan my death" he said with a shy grin as he finally stopped laughing, and went back to chopping the meat, but still keeping one eye on the other boy.

"I wasn’t. I never did. Plan your death, I mean." Malfoy said quietly. Harry looked up and saw that the boy's face was serious. Harry swallowed thickly and nodded, not knowing what to say, so he just kept staring at him, green eyes locked onto the pair of grey ones.

"So, do you want me to show you how to cook?" Harry broke the silence, moving to one side so Malfoy had his space at the counter, offering the boy a little smile. The blonde boy hesitated, running one hand through his hair, and chewing on his bottom lip, which caught Harry’s attention for some reason, he couldn’t explain, he looked away embarrassed, afraid of being caught staring. Malfoy made his way over to the counter. Harry carried on cutting up the meat, giving the other boy smaller tasks, explaining why he did things the way he did, and within half an hour the spicy scent of the simmering curry was filling the room. After tidying up, Harry sat down on one of the chairs, fanning himself with a piece of newspaper that was laying on the dining table, his gaze fluttering to the other boy, who was pouring himself a glass of water, before leaning back onto the counter, flushed, but this time from the heat of the cooking, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, his hair messy and curly from the vapour, making the lines of his face look softer. Harry didn't even know why he thought of that, shaking his head, he stood up, and started setting the table.

"So where did you learn how to cook?" Malfoy asked him, his tone genuinely curious, something Harry still wasn’t completely used to.

"The Dursleys, you know, my foster parents made me cook for them, so I had to, but I actually always enjoyed it a bit." He shrugged.

"They made you cook for them?" Malfoy asked, sounding horrified.

"That wasn’t the worst part. I had to do all the cleaning too, I could never go anywhere. I had to pretend that I didn’t exist whenever they had guests over, and I lived in the broom closet until I was eleven."

"You lived in the broom closet?!" The blonde boy echoed, his voice raised. Harry nodded. "That’s even worse than how we used to treat our house-elves. At least they had proper bedrooms."

Harry just shrugged again, and went to serve the dinner without a word, he didn’t understand why Malfoy was so shocked by how the Dursleys have treated him, or why he cared at all. Dinner passed quietly, apart from Narcissa complimenting Harry on the curry, but otherwise they ate in a silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, it was just strange. He noticed Malfoy looking at him few times, but he always looked away when Harry caught him staring. When they finished eating, Harry did the washing up by magic, not wanting to spend the rest of the evening scrubbing pans, something Draco watched almost in awe, telling Harry his wand was taken by the Ministry, and how he missed using magic, how strange doing everything manually was.

They carried on talking, and walked up the stairs together, but when they stopped on the landing, instead of parting ways, Malfoy asked Harry whether he could explain Muggle technology to him, and Harry was happy to do that, so he followed the other boy into his bedroom. He was surprised to see that the room wasn’t much different from the one he was staying in, except for having more books and other bits of things. But the walls were plain white, the bed wasn’t the posh four-poster he was expecting, and wasn’t covered in Slytherin green sheets with silver lining. It was just a simple bedroom.

"What were you expecting, Potter?" Draco smirked, and Harry realised he must have been staring in shock. "This isn’t Malfoy Manor."

"I don’t know. I just thought it would be more like you."

"More like me? And what’s that like?"

"Well definitely not this" Harry said, gesturing around the room.

"Oh and you know me so well that you are positive that I loved Malfoy Manor and now couldn’t stand living somewhere that wasn’t green and grey and silver and black and full of snake-patterns" Draco snorted.

"That’s not what I… oh never mind" Harry rolled his eyes, already feeling irritated with Malfoy, but also himself for thinking that they could actually spend time together properly, without things like this. He was on the verge of walking back to his own bedroom, when he noticed that Malfoy wasn’t glaring at him, he was smirking. Harry sighed, and flopped down onto the bed next to the boy, and started telling him how toasters and TVs and computers worked. He actually enjoyed it more than he thought he would, and he was surprised to see that Malfoy wasn’t being difficult, but genuinely curious and interested, and would listen to Harry’s explanations without interrupting, only showering him with questions afterwards, a fascinated smile spreading over his face, Harry thought that Malfoy was much nicer this way, smiling, friendly, patient and interested in almost a childlike way.

They made this a regular thing, often making breakfast or dinner together, and spending hours before going to sleep talking about Muggle things, and sometimes bringing up other topics as well, and Harry realised he was starting to enjoy Malfoy’s company.

Harry was also improving in Potions, he was now able to make quite a lot of decent ones, and Malfoy was almost proud of him. However then he accidentally burned the cauldron down, causing the blonde boy to give him silent treatment and avoid him after yelling at him about being irresponsible and hopeless.

But after a day of ignoring each other they called truce, and went back to doing things together. This was when Harry realised actually how much time they spent together, and how he talked to Ron or Hermione and Ginny less and less, calling the girls late that evening, feeling guilty. Hermione told him about the lessons, and asked him questions about potions, she was happy with his progress, reminding him again how important it was, and that he needed to carry on. She then left Harry to talk to Ginny privately. They talked about school mostly, and how they missed each other, and how Harry had to go home for Christmas, because Ginny couldn’t go any longer without talking to him properly, face to face, or kissing him, or touching him, and before saying goodbye, Ginny pulled her shirt up, teasing Harry, saying all kinds of dirty words she could think of, leaving the boy with a hard-on. He was too embarrassed to wank, being separated from Malfoy by only one thin wall.

He kept thinking about Ginny, even though he didn’t call her for some time, thinking how things would be when they both got back home. Will they get married straight away? Will they have kids? And if yes, how many? He missed her, a lot, but he had to admit, these thoughts were scaring him slightly. He knew Ron and Hermione were planning on getting married and moving in together when Hermione graduated, but Harry wasn’t sure if he could imagine himself settling down already and becoming a father.

In the end he found himself in the lab, as he did quite often for some time now, deciding it was the best time to practice, trying to make some dreamless sleep for himself, but failing, which meant he could only hope for a decent night’s sleep without nightmares, even though he knew it was unlikely.

He did seem to have less nightmares than before, but now when he did, they were the worst ever, and he would wake up screaming, and couldn’t go back to sleep properly afterwards, and would be stressed and irritable all day. He just really hoped Malfoy never heard him screaming, embarrassed even by the thought of it. One night he felt two unfamiliar firm hands shaking him awake, and a voice, unsure yet steady telling him to breathe, and how it only had been a dream, and finally when Harry was calm enough, handing him a vial of dreamless sleep, he thought he never could have been more thankful, even though he was indeed extremely embarrassed.

Malfoy gave him dreamless sleep and that was all that mattered, because he slept until 1 PM next day, and when he woke up, he feels much better than other mornings, except for the sadness and anger that lingered from the nightmare, but he was used to that. He didn’t even want to get up from bed, he wanted to just stay there and disappear, somehow slip into nonexistence. It was mostly on the days after his nightmares, but sometimes even on just ordinary days, that he thought of what it would have been like to stay dead. He knew some people would have missed him, but with the Horcrux in him destroyed, the world didn’t need him anymore. And it wasn’t bad, it didn’t hurt at all, Sirius had been right, he didn’t feel anything. It didn’t really feel like being dead. It didn’t feel like anything to be honest. But he came back, even though he wasn’t sure he should have.

He decided to go and tell Malfoy that he wasn’t in the mood to study, but he didn’t find the boy in his bedroom or the lab or anywhere else. Or at least anywhere he was expecting to find him, he realised why as he entered the kitchen, there stood Malfoy he was cooking something by the stove, it smelt amazing. The smell of cinnamon mixed with apples and something sweet filled Harry's nose.

"Hi." he said quietly, stopping in the doorway.

"Hey," Malfoy looked up to greet him. "You look like shit" he informed him. Harry snorted. He didn’t need Malfoy to tell him that. He felt like shit. "I’m making you food. Sit."

"What? Harry looked up at him, shocked, unsure if he heard him right. Malfoy was making him breakfast. Malfoy. For him. How did this even happen? And why?

"Can’t you ever do just one thing you’re asked for?" The blonde boy asked, rolling his eyes. "Are you really that much of a rebel?" He asked, as he watched Harry sit down, still dazed, he smiled. His voice was softer than the usual, and Harry couldn't understand why. He continued to stare at the blonde boy in complete shock, until the latter lets out a soft chuckle, and told him to stop staring at him with his mouth open. Harry felt his cheeks grow warm in embarrassment, and he mumbled something Malfoy couldn't quite make sense of. Harry dropped his gaze to the table, and toyed with the spoon. He runhis hand through his hair which was messier than usual, he didn’t even try to comb it as he was planning to go back to bed. He felt Malfoy's eyes on him. Harry turned his head to meet the blonde boy's gaze just as Malfoy turned away.

Malfoy sat down opposite to Harry, handing him his breakfast and a cup of coffee, he himself only drinking tea.

They sat in silence, the blonde watching Harry eat.

"We don’t have to study today" he said, breaking the silence. Harry just nodded, still confused by the boy’s kindness, and carried on eating. As he finished, he watched Malfoy sipping his tea, gazing out of the window. He looked different, Harry thought, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on the difference, the only thing he noticed was that his hair was messier than usual. That couldn’t have made such a big difference, it was more than that. It was something about his whole face, all of his features. But mostly his eyes. His eyes were definitely different, no longer cold and distant, but almost soft. Harry watched his eyes fixed on the garden outside, the shape of the window reflected in the sliver greyness. The practically white eyelashes around his eyes. His pale, porcelain-like skin. The pointiness of his nose. The pinkness of his lips, that for once weren’t frowning. His perfect jawline. The way his shoulder length hair fell onto his shoulders. Harry thought he was beautiful. He felt weird had just thought that, but as he continued to look at the boy, he couldn’t help but admit it. He also couldn't help but notice how his heart was hammering in his chest. He tore his gaze away from the boy and looked back down at the table. What was wrong with him? Why was he finding Malfoy attractive? He swallowed hard, allowing himself another glance at the boy. He noticed the longing in his eyes, the sadness on his face, and he realised, Malfoy must be missing being outdoors. Of course he must miss being outside! He had been in the house arrest for over a year.

Harry couldn't stop thinking how terrible it must be, not being able to go out, and within a minute the idea pops in his mind. He stood up abruptly and told Malfoy he’d be back in a sec. He rushed up to the bedroom and called Kingsley on the Floo, begging him to allow Malfoy leave the house with him, explaining what a great teacher he was, and telling the Minister that he trusted him. He didn’t actually realise all of this before he said it out loud, but it was true. He trusted Malfoy, especially after he gave Harry dreamless sleep and made him breakfast. He deserved something good. Harry was really pleased with himself when Kingsley permitted him to open the doors and go somewhere with Malfoy. He had to make him a promise that he’d look out for the blonde and would be careful, which Harry promised he would. He quickly packed few things and rushed back down to the kitchen.

Malfoy looked up startled as Harry re-entered the kitchen, his expression soon turning to shock, as Harry told him to get up because they were going out.

"What do you mean ‘out’?" He asked, looking at Harry in confusion.

"I talked to Kingsley" Harry shrugged, as if it was nothing, already making his way to the door, unlocking it, and casting several counter spells that would let Draco out as well. The blonde boy followed him, still shocked and surprised, but as he stepped outside and inhaled the fresh air and felt the breeze tug at his hair, he just closed his eyes and let a smile spread across his face. Gosh, how he had missed this. Harry stood looking at him, smiling, thinking how gorgeous Malfoy looked with the strands of blonde hair flowing around his face. No. He wasn’t gorgeous, Harry thought, feeling angry with himself, feeling like his thoughts were betraying him.

"There’s a beach a few miles from here" Draco spoke up.

"Are you suggesting we go there?" Harry asked, snapping out of his thoughts.

"thought that was obvious" Draco smirked, and Harry grinned at him as they set off. They walked in silence, until Draco spoke again. "Thanks. For taking me out." He said quietly. Harry looked up at him. "And everything" the boy carried on. "Testifying for my mother. Saving my life in that room."

Harry didn’t say anything for a few moments. The situation was so strange, Malfoy sounded so honest and so vulnerable, and he just didn’t quite know what to say.

"I did what I thought had to be done." He said in the end. "And… I never thought you deserved Azkaban." He added after a pause, avoiding Malfoy’s eyes. "You saved me too, at the Manor."

"I should have done more" the blonde boy whispered. "I was a coward. I still am. I should have helped." The words spilled out of Draco, no louder than the wind whistling in their ears, and if Harry hadn’t seen his lips moving, he wouldn’t have believed that he heard what he heard. He watched the boy’s face, noticing the way his eyes were shining, tears flooding them. "I deserved all they planned for me at the trial. You should have left me there, but I guess you can’t stop yourself from saving people’s lives, even if you hate them." He said, a sad smile on his face, Harry found it heart wrenching. He swallowed thickly, once again lost for words. He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true, that he didn’t deserve to be punished, that he didn’t hate him. He wanted to squeeze his hand and tell him it was okay. But he didn’t, instead he kept quiet, and carried on walking.

Neither of them said anything on the rest of the way to the beach. It was quite a long walk, they both stopped to catch their breaths as they arrived at the end of the cliff from where the carved steps led down to the beach. Harry had been going out for strolls around the area, but he felt a little exhausted after the walk, and Draco, who had been indoors for ages was clutching his side, but it was definitely worth it.

The view was beautiful, the sun was just starting to set, tainting the sky pink and orange, the warm light reflecting on the surface of the water, the white cliffs and the pale sand on the shore making the picture perfect. It was breezy, but not too much, just enough to ripple the surface of the ocean and to catch in their hair.

They made their way down to the beach, Harry spread out the blankets he brought with him, before sitting down, Malfoy following him, they sat down, watching the sky together.

"I miss Sirius." Harry suddenly blurted out, not even knowing why he said it, regretting it immediately.

"Your godfather?" Malfoy asked, not looking at him, messing around with a stick he found in the sand. Harry nodded, and lied back on the blanket.

"He and Remus were the only people who made me feel like-" He took sharp intake of breath. "-like I still had a piece of my parents with me" he sighed. He didn’t know why he was telling Malfoy this, but he couldn't stop himself. As the blonde boy seemed genuinely curious, Harry carried on talking, telling him about third year, how he met Sirius, and about Peter Pettigrew, and the Marauders Map, and about the Order of the Phoenix, and everything Sirius told him about his parents. Malfoy listened intensely, asking questions every so often, being very careful not to cross the boundaries.

"I’m sorry they aren’t around anymore." Malfoy simply said when Harry stopped talking. He tilted his head to the side, looking at Malfoy’s face, studying his expression, but he couldn't see anything except for honesty and sadness, and something slightly even like an affection. He felt like crying, but he didn't want to cry in front of the other boy. He knew he should feel angry, after all if Malfoy hadn’t let the Death Eaters into Hogwarts, if his father hadn’t been there at the Department of Mysteries, Sirius and Remus could still be have been alive, but that’s too many ‘if’s. Harry thought of asking Malfoy what his intentions actually were, or something, but he chose to keep silent.

"I’m going swimming" he announced after laying around for a while, he stood up, already taking his shirt off.

"Are you crazy? It must be minus twenty down there°C!" Draco exclaimed, sitting up.

"Yeah, sure, minus two hundred." Harry chuckled. "Chill Malfoy ." Harry rolled his eyes, shucking his jeans as well, making his way to the water, ignoring the feeling of the other boy’s eyes on him.

"Come back here you prat, I don't fancy being framed for your death. It’s dark and it’s cold and you will drown. We can come back here tomorrow and then you can do whatever you want." Malfoy called after him, making Harry laugh.

"If you are so worried about me, come with me" he snorted, stepping into the water, leaning down and splashing it over his body, before carrying on walking deeper into the water. He was in knee-deep when Malfoy caught up with him, stopping at the side of the water. Harry went in even deeper, looking back and shooting a grin at Malfoy. "You better take that shirt off if you want to rescue me when I drown."

The blonde boy just stood there shaking his head as Harry carried on, the water was now up to his shoulders. He couldn't help but laugh as he looked at the fully clothed Malfoy standing on the beach, and suddenly an idea crossed his mind. What if he faked drowning? Would Malfoy really rush to rescue him? He grinned in anticipation, before going in a bit deeper, and pretending to drown, yelling for help, and sure enough, the blonde was there beside him within seconds, his hands around Harry’s waist.

"You idiot" Malfoy said angrily, letting go of Harry when the brunette burst out laughing.

"And you said I’m the one with a saving people's lives-problem." Harry choked out, still shaking from laughter, clutching his stomach with his arms.

"You’re such an imbecile! We could have both lost our footing! I thought you were really drowning." he sneered, and splashed Harry with water. The other boy splashed him back immediately, still laughing, and soon enough Draco was laughing too. They were splashing each other madly, trying to get away from one another, making their way to the beach.

"Scared?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow as they reached the dry land, still breathless from laughing, clutching each other.

"You wish." Draco smirked, and chased Harry back to the blankets, ending up on top of Harry, kneeling between the boy’s legs, holding his hands down above his head. "Feeling defeated, Potter? Did I just defeat the Great Harry Potter?

"As if I’d let you." Harry said, wrapping his legs around Malfoy's waist. He knocked the boy over, straddling him, with a triumphant grin, which died down as soon as their eyes met. Until now, Harry didn’t quite realise how close they were, only a few inches between their faces. He was starting to feel uncomfortable, and dropped his gaze, but if anything, this made things worse, as he found himself staring at Malfoy’s chest, his white shirt sticking to his body, the wetness making it almost see-through, the boy’s lean muscles and his hardened nipples visible to Harry, making him blush. What was wrong with him? It was the third time that day that he found the boy extremely attractive.

"Potter…" Malfoy spoke up, sounding a little embarrassed, as he shifted underneath him. Harry didn't get it for a moment, but then he realises he had an unmistakable hardness in his pants, and it was pressing right into the blonde boy’s thigh.

"Shit, I’m sorry, I just…" he stammered, as he stood up as fast as he could.

"Stop, it’s okay. It’s a normal reaction, I guess, I mean you’ve been away from your girlfriend, and…" Malfoy trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished, avoiding looking at Harry, who was also avoiding looking anywhere near the other boy. "Let’s go home. Or do you want me to go and you can just stay here, think of your lovely girlfriend, jerk off, and meet me back at the house" Draco said, picking their stuff up, his words making Harry blush even harder.

"I’m… I’ll be alright" Harry managed to say. Malfoy snorts.

"For Merlin’s sake, just stay here, and follow me back when you-" "fuck, just take care of yourself, Potter!" With that said, Malfoy was already turning his back to Harry.

"You are wet. You’ll catch a cold." Harry said desperately, not wanting to make this situation any awkward, which he probably was doing anyway.

"Well then cast a drying charm on me, will you?!" Malfoy looked angry. Why was he like that? He was sneering at Harry, Harry felt like they were back at Hogwarts and Malfoy was about to make one of his snarky comments that always boiled Harry's blood. "You are the one with a wand, you arse!" He rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed huff. "if you are so concerned about my health then do it." he snapped, and Harry obeyed. As soon as he did, the blonde haired boy turned around and left in a rush without saying another word. What was wrong with him? Why did he get so pricky about all of this?!

He left Harry there on the beach. On his own. With a bulge in his pants. Still painfully pressing to his trousers.

He tried to think of Ginny, he really did, but he couldn’t help it, his thoughts drifted back to earlier that day, Malfoy’s hair flowing in the breeze, and Harry remembered how much he wanted to run his hands through it. The closeness of the boy made his body shiver, his angular face, his soft silver eyes, his flat yet arousing chest… oh Merlin, he felt like he could melt away just thinking of him, however weird it is, and however guilty he felt about not thinking of Ginny. What the fresh hell?! Malfoy was a boy! Harry wasn't gay for crying out loud! How the hell was he getting of to the thoughts of Malfoy?

The next few days passed in their usual routine, making breakfast together, Potions theory, having lunch together, brewing, making dinner together, and talking about Muggle things until it’s time for bed. Neither of them mentioned the day at the beach, and Harry was thankful for that, but he couldn’t stop thinking back to that very day, and what it felt like to be that close to Malfoy. He kept thinking back, and would often get distracted from doing whatever he was just by looking at Malfoy, or listening the way he talked about Potions, with such enthusiasm, or the excitement on his face when he showed Harry a book on Muggle things and told him how he finally understood how something worked, and it dawned on him, that he was growing more and more attracted to him.

It wasn’t just his looks that made Harry want to press the other boy to the wall and snog him senseless, though he didn’t even try to deny how his soft platinum hair and silver eyes drove him crazy, but it was his whole personality. The way he was nice to Harry now, always, but still kept teasing him, and Harry would tease back, and sometimes it occurred him that it felt almost like they were flirting or something. Or how patient and serious he could be as a teacher. Or how clever and intelligent he was, almost like Hermione, but in a different way. Or how he enjoyed just small things, like walking out into the garden when the sun was shining, or finding a new book among his mother’s belongings that he could read, or a nice meal they made together. How honest he could be sometimes. How passionate he would get if he was talking about something that was important to him. How similar his sense of humour was to Harry’s. He felt like they could be friends, like actual friends, who would stay in contact and have fun together even when they weren’t locked up in a small cottage in France together to study Potions. But real friends. And maybe even more, because Harry wanted to touch him again, to feel his soft skin, or his silky looking hair. Malfoy was driving Harry crazy, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

After another week or so Draco told him that he was doing well enough to pass his NEWTs easily, and they decided to go down to the beach once again, before Christmas. They spent the whole day there, taking a basket of food, they swam, but only a bit because the water was much colder by now, they talked and laughed and talked even more, about school, about their childhoods, about Quidditch, anything they thought of. Harry couldn't imagine his life without the blonde boy by now. He thought of how hard it will be for him to leave this bastard. How hard will it be to say goodbye to all their memories. Forget about all that they have accomplished and of course, about the whole attraction thing. Harry didn't even know if maybe he allowed himself do what his mind, and other parts of his body, told him to do, then would he discover something about himself. He found his mind drifting off to this idea while he stared at the blonde looking up to the sky.

As the sky grew darker, covered in thousands of sparkling spots, bright and shining like diamonds, scattered all over the sheet of the night, they lay back on their blankets, and Malfoy started to point the constellations out to Harry, saving his favourite one, his own one, the dragon for last. His voice proud as he told the boy next to him which one it was, which Harry found adorable, and returned the boy’s smirk with a grin of his own. Their eyes met for longer than they have ever held each other's gaze. It was like looking at the other's soul through them, finally seeing the real version of the person they never got the chance to get to know better. Harry wanted to kiss Malfoy. He wanted to throw his arms around the boy and press their lips together. He didn't. Whether it was because he was scared of what would happen if he did or he was scared of what he would become if he made this move. Harry turned his face towards the ground. The moment was ruined.

Sometime after staying quiet for a while, they started to talk about more serious things, and Malfoy told Harry how he didn’t want to kill Dumbledore, and how he only realised then that his parents were wrong, and how all he wanted before was to make his father proud. How he did everything afterwards just so Voldemort wouldn’t kill his parents. How terrible it was to let the Death Eaters into Hogwarts, but how he had no other choice if he wanted his parents to live. What it was like to live at Malfoy Manor with the Dark Lord. How he wanted to just apparate somewhere where no one knew him and there were no expectations he had to live up to, no war, no pain, no suffering. How he felt like a coward but still didn’t do anything.

Harry saw the tears shining on Malfoy's cheeks, in the moonlight, as he got to the end of his story, and without thinking, he wrapped his arm around the boy, pulling him close to himself. Malfoy instantly pulled back as if Harry's touch burned him. He mumbled something about not wanting to be pitied and knowing that he was a coward and a bad person but he wanted to change, and Harry didn’t know what to say, so he just sat there beside him.

Later they lay down on their blankets, and fell asleep next to each other under the starry sky.

When Harry woke up, to the first rays of sunshine stroking his skin, he found himself wrapped around Malfoy's arms, their bodies pressed together. He stayed in those arms for a while, enjoying the warmth that came from Draco's, not Malfoy's, body. Oh how much he wanted to stay here forever and just breath this air, go for long walks, talk to Draco, discover himself, get away from all the stress that England and people there caused him. But he couldn't do it. He felt too obligated to be the man everyone expected him to be. He couldn't just disappear and stay here with the blonde. It would be mad. Besides, he had his friends in England, his girlfriend, probably soon to be wife. He wanted to have a family and a job that he enjoyed, the job that would make him feel more human than just the Savour of Wizarding World. He had to go back home, no matter how much his heart was begging him to stay here and try losing himself in the unknown, something that didn't feel quite possible and normal, in something that was as exciting as scary. Just trying to be happy without all the shit that was going to await for him in London. Harry got up from under the blanket and Draco's arms carefully, making sure he wouldn’t wake the other boy up. He conjured a piece of parchment and a quill, with a deep sigh he started writing a letter. He knew he wasn’t the best with words, especially when they were goodbyes, and writing it all down helped, he could say all the things he could never say face to face. He could thank Draco and promise him he’d talk to Kingsley and find a way for him to come back to England. At least that's what Harry wanted. If he couldn't stay here he wanted to hold on to this unexpected friendship in any way he could. He wrote how he’d wait for Draco, and would want to see him, when he did come back to WIzarding World where Harry would be. Harry realised how much he's going to miss Draco, his smile, his snaky comments, the lessons with him, their midnight or morning walks to the beach, their inside jokes, their conversations, Draco's eyes that at some point became everything Harry could think of, just Draco Malfoy in general, still the same git, but trying to become better.

Harry rolled up his blanket and put it back into the basket along with all of the other scattered bits, and put the letter on top. He looked down at the boy below him, and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss onto his cheek, feeling the soft skin underneath his lips and smelling the scent he will never be able to get out of his mind, he didn't realise when a warm tear run down his cheek. He shook himself from the trans he was in. Before he got up to his feet and head back to Malfoy's house and then the town to take his Portkey back to London, he took one last look at Draco sleeping peacefully on the beach, Harry once again couldn't breath. If he never again got the chance to see this idiot, he didn't know if he would ever feel understood and complete as much as he did in Draco's presence. He could only hope for the best.

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Read Chapter Two HERE

#drarry #drarry fic #drarry head canon #head canon #my fic #first chapter #re writting stuf #wip #fic #ao3 #feelings we can't let go #drarry squad #harry potter #draco malfoy

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macbookpro-hard-drive · 6 years

Note

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan:

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right?

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head).

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids.

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this!

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy.

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read.

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck”

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such.

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

#Anonymous #asks

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rorykillmore · 6 years

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and i'd love to hear about any aus you've been thinking about/working on!

okay so lately i’ve been getting nostalgic about charmed, as sometimes happens with me,

but i’ve always loved the idea of playing with charmed aus because the universe is so extensive! you can get so creative with translating character concepts into it! and it’s just really fun in general?? so i’ve been thinking about building on that more often buuut for lack of a core concept to center anything around rn, i thought i’d just talk a little bit about the ideas i have for my characters! some might be subject to change depending on how much i keep developing this, but

okay so lucille i think would probably be some kind of darker, underworld-aligned species. i’ll just say a demon to make it easier. lucille is some species of demon, but probably with some human blood in her background. human traits probably initially manifested more in her brother, thomas, than they did her, but after he died she started struggling and succumbing more and more to grief and guilt (which full-blooded demons can’t typically experience) and probably ends up trying to explore that and grow from it at some point?

to reflect the redemption arc she went through on denny i even like the idea of her eventually making a deal similar to the one drake made, where he got to be human for a year but then had to die at the end of it. i mean,, that’s really sad but i also feel it’d be kind of rewarding for lucille in a charmed au. she’d really get to experience life properly for the first time and learn shit about herself and it’d have all the more meaning for her if there was some kind of time limit on it.

siobhan -- easy one, she’d be a banshee!

...actually charmed banshee lore isn’t toooo different from siobhan’s family curse, save for the fact that banshees in this universe essentially ‘infect’ each other (if you’re a witch who’s stagnated in deep grief or pain and you hear a banshee’s scream, you slowly begin to transform into one). so yeah siobhan starts out a witch, gets turned into a banshee at some point and loses her humanity, is a pretty spooky villain for awhile. maybe at some point there’d be hope of turning her back though?? like whatever involvement rocket or red would have in this au, maybe they’re the ones to do it.

sara.... i dunno, i’ve considered a few aus where she’s a witch, but she could also potentially make for a very interesting whitelighter? a sassy damaged whitelighter who kinda stumbles her way through helping people sometimes but can also be very good at it; kind of paige-esque. because sara’s death in her canon is like, an infamous event, and sure characters die and come back all the time on charmed. but with how much sara’s death changed and transformed her (and how she has to leave her old life behind afterwards), i think it’s appropriate to bring her back as a whitelighter, and have her get assigned to watch over a group of ragtag, time traveling witches who are supposed to save the world. you get the picture!

i’m keeping heather a witch because i really like the ideas you’ve already come up with re: her, duke, and mcnamara kind of being this buffy-esque teenage demon fighting trio!! and then like meeting/joining up with veronica later on and stuff. one little twist i was considering adding in (appropriate to heather’s character,) is maybe making her a witch/demon hybrid? which... isn’t a fact she’s keen to disclose because if revealing you’re a witch is dangerous in normal society, revealing you have demon blood is dangerous even in magical societies. she has a slightly more aggressive nature and more destructive powers because of it, but is by and large pretty firm about defining who she is and what she wants to be.

okay and for madeline, i’ve kind of fallen in love with (no pun intended,) the idea of her being a cupid! i love. charmed’s cupid lore. a cupid is essentially a like a whitelighter where after you die, if you were a good person in life, you get offered a ‘higher calling’, except instead of being a guardian angel you’re essentially just... an angelic matchmaker?? you spread love, help people fix their relationships, etc. i feel this is something madeline would be genuinely good at, but also like, i can think of nothing more appropriate than giving her a job where she literally has to meddle in people’s relationship bullshit. she’d LOVE it.

trish would be a witch who i’d kind of envision playing a role similar to prue where she’s like, a really headstrong, formidable, slightly obsessive force of nature in the magical community who has a pretty established reputation for taking down demons. i’m not sure what her active power would be... maybe one of the elemental powers?? or maybe something like molecular combustion like piper has. it’d be something pretty in your face, much more offensive than defensive.

i also had the the thought that an interesting thing to throw into trish’s arc is to have her... join up with the avatars at some point?? or be strongly tempted to. because in this au, trish is still... trish, she still struggles a lot with wanting to save people and wanting to save herself and not wanting to be helpless. so this organization offering her a shitton of power and also the opportunity to save the world would be IMMENSELY tempting for her, and of course if you remember anything about the avatars, things would spiral into disaster from there,

dolores... man i still haven’t settled on a strong idea for her, i feel like, because there are so many different directions i kind of want to go in. one thing i do feel strongly about is she would be a GREAT character to demonstrate like, what absolute assholes the elders can be in service of the “greater good”. the elders seem like a good standin for the park engineers in this context because like, both are all-powerful forces (in their respective settings) who oversee things and have no moral qualms with manipulating events as they feel they need to.

so one idea i’m playing with is dolores being a witch (or possibly a witch/whitelighter hybrid?) who has some kind of Big Destiny she’s involved in that the elders are Very concerned with. but it kind of fucks with her life a lot and puts immense responsibility on her, so at some point she kind of just decides to fuck off and break free onto her own path

...but the elders don’t like that, and reset her memory so they can train her for their purposes from scratch

so you’d still get those same elements of like, her trying to figure out who she really is and what’s really true and trying to break free from something really huge and complicated?? yeah i think i like this

sophie-anne, of course, would be a vampire! easy one! i honestly can’t remember if much is known about charmed vampires except for that a) they’re considered outcasts even in the underworld, b) they live in clans and are run by queens, c) are actually mostly women (with some exceptions i remember) for some reason. basically i’m pretty sure that charmed vampires are a bunch of gay demon ladies who decided they were fed up with the underworld’s bullshit. so that all translates pretty well for sophie! she’s the queen of one of the more prominent clans and basically just likes to chill. and flirt with witches sometimes, which exasperates her advisers constantly because don’t draw their attention, sophie!!! maybe she also turns cloud at some point, depending on whether you’d want to translate that aspect into a charmed au for him

as for camille... i think she’d either start out a normal human, or some kind of witch with pretty chill powers who doesn’t usually get involved in the witch/demonic conflicts. camille just wants to live a quiet life, basically. BUT in this au she does have a ~destiny~ as a future whitelighter, but it’s evident to like. basically all of the powers that be that she has a lot of shit to work out before she’s ready for that. so camille would basically be the character in this au who gets ASSIGNED a whitelighter to try to help her through things as my opportunity to explore that. i’m not sure who it would be yet but i just feel that is the best way to translate some of her pre-existing character stuff and play with some really interesting growth. camille with a guardian angel would be a disaster. but she’s also so unwaveringly kind and resilient as a character that i think she’d ultimately make a good whitelighter herself if she had someone to work through some things with. so.

i wasn’t sure what concept to settle on for sly. maybe he’d be a wizard... ? i remember wizards kind of being this like, offshoot branches of witches who are kind of mischievous and sometimes untrustworthy (and also they’re almost entirely extinct and the remaining survivors seem to have a lot of issues with that, which... is fitting for poor sly...). do you remember that wizard who wanted to become the source of all evil so he could use the power to revive his entire species? yeah i feel like sly in this au would ultimately go up against that kind of well-meaning but very dangerous villain and really struggle with it

alternatively maybe he’d be a werewolf or something, to express the fact that he’s a furry, but i don’t have as much of a developed idea for that,

delia is both easy and difficult to fit into this au. obviously she’d be a witch of some kind, but i’d have to figure out some kind of extra edge to express the whole supreme thing. maybe she comes from an especially powerful bloodline like the halliwells, or maybe she’s some kind of demigoddess... ? idk i’ll think of something interesting

and honestly i feel like some of my cats would actually work very well as familiars, especially if i could figure out some interesting characters to pair them with

#long post #BECAUSE I HAD A LOT OF IDEAS APPARENTLY #thanks giz i hope you enjoy this!!!#i am already kind of hooked on this au #cuts dennys lvad wire #digitaldragoon

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