#ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEE these are so high-quality!!

[jypbae7]

Me me meeee <3 I'll request a full analysis about NCT's Johnny! 😚😚 Include errrrthing baby hahaha 18+ stuff, him as a romantic partner aka bf <3 whatever you want! I'm so excited to read this akndfkgkfn 😎😎😎❤️❤️

Johnny Suh - Natal chart

Finally finished it!! Johnny was actually the most requested member I received in my inbox! Sorry that it’s nearly the length of a novel lmao but I sectioned it to make it easier to read and navigate 💕

(Not claiming to be an expert this is just for fun please don’t take anything too seriously!) Hope this is helpful and that you enjoy it 🥰❤️

Personality: Aquarius Sun, Gemini Moon, Aqua Mercury, Virgo rising, Leo Mars

While Aqua is a fixed sign it is definitely the most adaptable of the 3 fixed signs due to the Air element of Aquarius plus the ever spontaneous Gemini moon. Most things that make the rest of us feel anxious tend not to seem that scary to fearless Gemini or cool as a cucumber Aquarius.

Natural social butterflies who love their tribe deeply and fiercely once they find them. Busy bodies who are easily bored if left unstimulated too long which will turn into crankiness if not rectified quickly. Thankfully Aqua & Gem have a zest for life that makes them quite easy to please. They are open minded and will gladly stay up till 3am talking about aliens and conspiracy theories, just like they are thrilled to go on last minute random trips just because why not (Gemini impulsivity at it’s finest lmao)

Gemini is a mutable sign unlike fixed Aquarius. This is a pretty big difference and something that goes under the radar with Aquas due to that cool as a cucumber attitude. Because they are adaptable and typically very easy going they don’t often show their stubborn aggressive sides and honestly prefer not to have to unless they are feeling extremely disrespected or pushed beyond their boundary which is a BIG let me say that again, BIG no no with Aquarius (almost as big as it is for for the water signs)

Adding to these deep inner thoughts and vast inner world that Aquarians have, his Virgo rising adds more depth and self awareness. As perfectionists and highly intellectual minds they are a lot more self critical than they let on, just like they are a lot more caring and soft than they let on. They deeply care about others and the world in general seeing the big picture in a very earthy and traditional way - good people should strive to put good out and try their very best at whatever they do. They deeply dislike mean, malicious, manipulative, or spiteful behavior or people and generally keep guarded around people they don’t know well until they feel certain of the person’s true intention. There’s nothing Virgo is more cautious of than to be swindled or hurt by someone they take it reallyy hard and they know it.

Now we alllll know his swag and confidence is legendary and we can all thank the Leo Mars placement for that and the beautiful lush shiny hair and big toothy smile (Looking at Mark, Jaemin and Xiaojun like 👁👄👁) But beyond the aesthetics and dripping confidence and charisma, Leo is another creative sign that tends to be a lot more intellectual and intuitive than people give them credit for.

When the other members call Johnny one of the scariest members you can bet it’s his aggressive fiery fixed Leo Mars which is loud and even violent when provoked enough not to mention the fixed Aquarius tornado energy...Oooof that is a lot of Fixed sign rage right there honey so let’s tread lightly with Johnny boy and appeal to his open minded and friendly nature with a gentle tone and non-pointed words during discussions and all shall be good even if there’s some disagreeing!

Honestly if the argument starts getting bad you can always distract the Gemini moon by just bringing up other interesting topics! Geminis minds move FAST and while they can process a lot of information quickly and precisely they tend to get distracted easily (but here’s the good side of that😉)

Aquarius have a deep love of family and the desire to create their own (Geminis often share this trait) they can feel a bit like outsiders or “other” from people and thus crave to build a tribe of their own - this can be friends that are lifelong deep relationship carried on no different than family or starting their own family with a partner and kids

Relationships:

Non-Romantic Relationships & overall communication style: Aquarius Sun, Gemini Moon, Aqua Mercury, Leo Mars, Virgo Rising

Built off laughter, time spent together whether its at home hanging out casually or going out for meals and fun new things to try together

Wants to bounce lots of ideas off of his closest friends and secretly loves doing creative stuff together the most - this is pretty evident if you watch JCC he’s happiest when he’s doing stuff with his bros whether it’s sporty, musical, or crafts

Does not like to be vulnerable even with those he’s close to, tends to stick to neutral and more light hearted topics of interest and conversation because he prefers to spread a good mood instead of a heavy one

If he really trusts you or has worked through it enough already to want to talk about something serious you’d better listen cause the boy drops gems of wisdom and has a really soft mushy heart

Immediately adopts his close friends as family and no matter the time apart or distance will always treat them the same

Likes friends he can learn from and take on new adventures with they satisfy the intellectual Virgo rising and Aqua & leo sign thrill needs - Gemini is all about BOTH of these

Deeply appreciates loyalty, acts of service, and quality time with his friends and family - makes his heart soooo happy BUT

He would rather fucking DIE than let you or anyone see him cry so he cries like 4 times a year at 3am in the bathroom while everyone’s asleep (HIGHKEY feel like Ten & Jaehyun are exactly like this too)

Romantic relationships and preferences: Capricorn Venus, Leo Mars, Capricorn Juno, Capricorn Eros

Mr. Johnny Suh has THREE Capricorn placements tied to love and intimacy so that’s saying something lmao

Going against Aquarius’ open mindedness and anti-traditional persona Capricorn prefers all things traditional and stable.

Very much does acts of service for his partner as a sign of affection also lots of touching and quality time.

A veryyyyyy spontaneous boyfriend/partner thanks to that Gemini moon - he either wants to stay at home in pjs and order food and have movie marathons or whisk you away on zero notice to a trip lol

Earth sign men are drawn to women who embody very flowery feminine energy and aesthetics. They prefer a “natural beauty” who can spice it up sometimes rather than a super flashy 24/7 partner. (He’s said in the past that his ideal type is Yoona which says it all lol)

Will be highly drawn and intrigued by someone with a high work ethic and high intellect. BIG bonus points if you can keep up with his sarcasm and jokes.

Earth signs are pretty physical and handsy so expect to have little personal space around him, make no mistake they enjoy this very much. He will definitely be grabbing you and picking you up often! He’ll be smirking down at you devilishly watching you get flustered backed into a corner trapped by the sheer size of his muscular body. A Capricorn male’s ego really enjoys this dynamic, trust me lol.

Also another quirky male Capricorn trait that actually applies to Aqua & Gem as well… They like to initiate all the touchy feely stuff - What I mean by that is they can get easily spooked by clinginess too early on. These three signs want romance and definitely want to feel that you’re into them but they also are innately independent and enjoy relationships where their partner can also go off into the world and thrive in their own way and meet back together in the middle. So long as you can find a happy balance, when you are together you won’t have to initiate anyways honestly because he’ll be the one pulling you.

Okay let's talk about Juno & Eros - Juno in Capricorn is about serious, loyal, long term commitment though they tend to marry later in life once they’ve already achieved the things they want to for themselves which I can see being the case for Johnny as well especially with his current career.

18+ Preferences:

Eros in Cap where to begin - high libido, stimulated by visuals and touch. Wear interesting colors, patterns, textures to catch his eyes & his hands - lacy lingerie is a plus the texture will really excite him and the feminine look will please his earthy traditional cap side. If you really wanna have him drooling throw in some spicy contrasts like a leather choker with the lace set and you’ll also set off his Aqua, Gem, and Leo placements as well ;)

Tends to bounce back and forth between fucking you like you’re a cheap groupie whore and taking his time staring you in the eyes and kissing you passionately as he’s stomach deep - no inbetween but really who’s complaining??

DOM KINK - NOT UP FOR DEBATE he has THREE Capricorn placements for fucksake meaning 3 cardinal signs which are literally called “the INITIATORS” plus all his other fixed personality placements

More of the classy rich ceo vibes kind of dom (suits, expensive cologne and jewelry, leather, black and red binds) - takes you to bougie hotels when he really wants to ramp it up and not have to care who hears. You can expect not to sleep those nights but he’ll damn sure pamper you afterwards with cuddles, food, and a spa date.

Now...with all his Air sign placements...I have to say it...he’s a kinky ass dude. Few things are off the table, but he’s also super content with “normal” stuff too. It’s more about the person and experience for him than doing the wildest things possible. So if it feels natural and right then he’s down.

Don’t be surprised if he wants to tie you up like a pretzel or role play because he’s definitelyyy going to ask. Well actually he’d probably just buy whatever outfit or binds he wanted to use and casually be like “look what I got for us baby” as if it’s matching charm bracelets or something. The good news is he’ll dress up and get into it with you and he’s super receptive to your boundaries, fantasies and making it enjoyable as possible for you too.

If you flip the script on him and suddenly break the norm either by taking the initiate/lead first or trying something new he will absolutely combust 🤯 and be in the palm of your hand staring in absolute awe and fascination till he can’t take it anymore and reclaims his spot as the one in control

Nudes, videos, and phone sex when apart are a definite and they really keep the passion burning for him which is honestly VERY important and don’t worry he’s NOT shy and you will be grateful for the beautiful collection of photos and videos 🤤

Boredom for Aquas, Gems, and Caps can quickly lead into self-sabotaging behaviors and/or wandering eyes not because they don’t value loyalty but that they really need and benefit from mental stimulation and feeling wanted so when that’s gone they can pull away

Honestly pretty much any type of lingerie or outfit will turn him on because the most arousing part for him is knowing that you spent time doing such a naughty thing for his sake

Breeding kink - 3 earth placements and has said himself in interviews he would’ve started having kids at 25 if he wasn’t an idol soooooo that’s a definite. He imagines you pregnant with his baby and it makes him super soft and warm which quickly turns to super turned on. He loves the primal marking aspect of claiming you in such a way and also watching you unravel to the point of begging him to do it. Even if it’s just “play” he loves it and will probably think about it a lot more than you know. If you ever do it for real he will be utterly and completely obsessed with you forever and be practically more excited about all the stages of your pregnancy than you are

#nct #nct 127 #johnny suh #nct Johnny #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct astrology #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 smut #Johnny suh fluff #Johnny suh smut

[artificialqueens]

Tree House Kisses, Chapter 38 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: Click here for previous chapters. And thank you so much to @saiphl for the beta help!! XO!

Chapter Summary: The girls spend a summer apart, but then start their senior year, closer than ever.

Chapter 38: Feelings

Courtney’s dad had moved with his girlfriend to Berkeley earlier in the year, and both of her parents unilaterally decided that she should spend the summer with him for some “quality time.” She’d argued, she’d protested, she’d pleaded with Karen, she’d even cried; but in the end she had no choice but to go along with the plan, sullenly packing her things and boarding the train, defeated. Her only solace was that Roy was doing a summer program in Stanford for a month, which meant that at least they could still see each other on the weekends for part of the time she was there.

COURTNEY: JFC I’m gonna be sleeping on a goddamn fold out couch all summer. This is shit.

ADORE: Awww, so sorry, princess. Xx

COURTNEY: Lol, fuck you. You have no idea what this is like

ADORE: That’s true. I haven’t seen my dad for like ten years

COURTNEY: WAH WAH WAHHH YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO WIN

COURTNEY: ;)

ADORE: lol

The truth was, Courtney hadn’t really spent much time with her dad since the divorce. Sometimes it made her sad, thinking about how close they used to be. She tried to keep an open mind, but a big part of her was still angry about him having an affair, turning their lives upside-down, leaving her mom...leaving her.

Adore was right, though. As far as absentee fathers went, things could be much worse. One night, while he sat on the sofa (the one that doubled as the least comfortable bed she ever had) watching TV, Courtney wandered over and sat down next to him.

He looked up from the TV, surprised, a smile spreading across his face.

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Hi.” Courtney shifted slightly, tried to shake the horrible feeling that she was sitting next to a grown man that she barely knew. “Whatcha watching?”

“Just the news...if things go well this year, we can take both the house and the senate,” Peter told her. “And in 2008, that fucking shit-for-brains will finally be done and we can get the White House, too.”

“That would be awesome,” Courtney agreed, letting her head rest on her father’s shoulder. He wasn’t perfect, that was for damn sure...but when it came down to it, she supposed she was lucky to have him.

-

Meanwhile, Adore had gotten a summer job as a counselor at an arts day camp, and soon began spending her days surrounded by loud, attention-seeking child star wannabes. Every day, she came home and collapsed in exhaustion, vowing to never, under any circumstances, ever have children.

COURTNEY: How’s camp?

ADORE: The worst

COURTNEY: I’m sorry

ADORE: It’s all good. How’s the homewrecker?

COURTNEY: Weird

ADORE: Is she teaching you any good stripper moves?

COURTNEY: No, she just like, chain smokes and talks to her birds

ADORE: She has BIRDS?

COURTNEY: Yeah man, I told you. WEIRD

ADORE: What are the birds’ names?

COURTNEY: Something in Russian, I dunno. I just call them Boris and Natasha

ADORE: Lol you’re so corny

COURTNEY: I did meet some pretty cool anarchist guys down the block  

ADORE: What’s their band called?

COURTNEY: Who said they have a band?

ADORE: What’s their band called, Courtney?

COURTNEY: Pussy Whisper

ADORE: LOLOLOLOL

-

COURTNEY: Okay, so...this is going to shock you…

ADORE: ???

COURTNEY: The Pussy Whisper dudes?

ADORE: Oh jeez, what?

COURTNEY: They’re gross

ADORE: Yeah, no shit

COURTNEY: i just really liked what Tristan had to say about late stage capitalism

ADORE: Right

COURTNEY: And Grant said I was smart

ADORE: Well, that was your first clue

COURTNEY: HEY!!!

ADORE: Lol, not because you’re not. Because dudes in a band called “Pussy Whisper” that call you smart are up to some no-good shit

COURTNEY: Right. Ugh

ADORE: Bird lady still a fucking weirdo?

COURTNEY: Yeah. Although she did take me to a yoga class this morning, so that was nice. She’s actually maybe not the most vile person on the planet

ADORE: Awww, look at you, falling in love

COURTNEY: Shut up

-

Once Courtney got over her initial resistance, she had to admit that Berkely was somewhat cool. Certainly more her speed than the bland suburban wasteland she was used to. She spent most of her days wandering around used book stores, head shops, or combing through racks of cute vintage dresses. One afternoon, sunbathing in the backyard of her dad’s apartment building (which was a converted Victorian house that she also had to regretfully admit was pretty charming), she made friends with a very affectionate marmalade-colored kitten. Turned out, the cat belonged to their downstairs neighbor, and soon Courtney found herself fully enchanted with the older woman.

COURTNEY: Okay I found a much better new friend than the PW boys. She’s our downstairs neighbor and she’s like 70 and so cool. She has pink hair and all her clothes are made of hemp. She’s gonna take me to an Iraq War protest on Saturday.

ADORE: Oh jeez. You’re gonna come back with white person dreads, aren’t you?

COURTNEY: lol it’s a nice look

ADORE: IT IS NOT

-

ADORE: Abortion should be legal until the kids are like...12 years old, at least

COURTNEY: Campers getting on your nerves?

ADORE: If I snap, will you visit me in prison?

COURTNEY: Of course! I’ll bake a nail file into a cake for you and everything. XOXO

ADORE: Good cake or some bay area bullshit?

COURTNEY: Gluten free agave-sweetened carob cake, courtesy of Patsy

ADORE: Fuck off

COURTNEY: Don’t insult Patsy. She’s been protesting since Vietnam, she’s awesome.

-

ADORE: HEY CHEERLEADER THIS IS WILLAM! YOU’RE A SLUT AND WE MISS YOU!

ADORE: AND I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU DIDN’T FUCK THE PUSSY WHISPERERS

COURTNEY: Sorry bunny

ADORE: He’s high

COURTNEY: And you?

ADORE: Meeee? Whaaaaaat?

ADORE: Yes lol

COURTNEY: Lol, have fun

-

COURTNEY: Would it be really bad if I liked Katya?

ADORE: Omg are you gonna start calling her Mommy?

COURTNEY: Shut up!

COURTNEY: But seriously...it would be like, disloyal to my mom if I liked her, right?

ADORE: Are you gonna start adopting birds?

COURTNEY: No, I just think she’s kind of funny sometimes. I’m a terrible daughter

ADORE: Well, your mom IS the one who sent you up there for the summer. So…

COURTNEY: True

-

ADORE: So. Something happened last night that was...uh…

ADORE: Very

ADORE: ...

COURTNEY: ???

ADORE: Give me a minute...I’m processing...

COURTNEY: Tell me!

ADORE: Well, we started in Violet’s basement, drinking, and I’m not sure how but somehow it ended up being like 10 people

COURTNEY: Aww, was Violet sad I wasn’t there? Did she cry?

ADORE: lol, totally

COURTNEY: So what happened???

ADORE: Yeah, so...I went out to the backyard to smoke and Trin came and like...I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but I think I made out with her

COURTNEY: WHOA

ADORE: Yeah

COURTNEY: Is she gay???

ADORE: No, definitely not. We were just like, drunk and high

COURTNEY: Is everything cool between you??

ADORE: Yeah, I think so. We were laughing about it this morning. But like, I still feel a little bad.

COURTNEY: Why do you feel bad?

ADORE: I mean, I dunno. I don’t want people to think that I’m like, some predatory asshole, you know?

COURTNEY: No one would think that

ADORE: My track record might disagree

COURTNEY: The only thing your track record shows is you’re a ho

ADORE: WOW

COURTNEY: I WAS KIDDING!!!!

ADORE: lol, I know

COURTNEY: XOXOXOXO

-

As much as Courtney tried, and as much as she made her peace with her summer surroundings, by the time August rolled around, she began to get increasingly homesick. Missing her mom, her bedroom, even Grandma Muriel. But especially, missing Adore.

COURTNEY: I really miss you

COURTNEY: Like so much

ADORE: Me too

COURTNEY: No like SO much

ADORE: Are you high?

COURTNEY: No, are you?

ADORE: A little lol

COURTNEY: I’m not high. I just love you.

ADORE: Aww, thanks babe

-

“DORY!!” Courtney squealed, practically leaping from her car the second she pulled into the driveway. She’d texted Adore from her last stop for gas, but she was thrilled to see her best friend actually waiting for her.

She wrapped Adore into a tight hug, her excitement causing her to pepper Adore’s entire face with wet kisses.

“Hi, okay, stop it,” Adore giggled. “Nice car, by the way.”

“Oh yeah, I know, it’s pretty great. Peter gets a gold star for that one.” Courtney glanced back at the car, her dad’s old Honda Accord, shaking her new bangs out of her face. He’d surprised her with the keys just last week, and it had almost made her forgive him for leaving in the first place...almost. “It was kind of scary to do that whole drive alone, though. I’m very thankful to have made it in one piece.”

“Me too,” Adore said, with a grin that told Courtney she was home. “Now that you’re back, it’s gonna be a fuckin’ party.”

Courtney laid a head on her shoulder, sighing happily.

“You’re going to Darienne’s goodbye party on Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah, of course. Omigod! Dory! I wanted to make those peanut butter cupcakes that she loves, but you know I’m just absolute shit at decorating, can you help?”

“What on earth makes you think I’d be good at cupcake decorating?” Adore laughed.

“I dunno, you’re better at art than me,” Courtney said. “Plus, it’ll just be more fun with you.”

Adore pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Count me in.”  

-

School was going to be starting back up soon, and as Adore looked around the party at her friends, she couldn’t help but feel a little ambivalent. Summer had just been so nice, and having that small taste of freedom made her long to be done with school altogether.

Tonight, there was a big group at Pearl’s house--her usual friends as well as a bunch of the neighborhood kids, enjoying the pool and the warm evening air. Violet, Fame and Trinity lounged in the hot tub with April, watching the sun set. Pearl was standing at the grill, living her butch fantasy as she cooked up food for her guests, swatting Bob away with as he peered over her shoulder, trying to “help.”

It was a little bittersweet--Darienne had already left for Pepperdine a few weeks earlier, and Jamin for Cal Poly. Even though they weren’t as close as they used to be, it still felt strange, somehow, for them to be missing. Hell, it was even weird for Alyssa to be gone, the loudmouth head cheerleader now torturing people at UC San Diego, probably already sorority president.

A handful of people were dancing, including Courtney and Willam, twirling until they were dizzy and laughing.

“Ugh, I don’t want school to start!” Willam suddenly whined, reflecting Adore’s feelings exactly.

“I know, but this year we’re coming back as seniors, and we’re gonna rule the school,” Courtney said, imitating the line from Grease perfectly.

“Oh really? You think you’re Rizzo?” Adore challenged her.

“Why can’t I be Rizzo?” she demanded.

“Bitch, you are Sandy and you know it,” Adore laughed, grabbing a beer and sitting down on the back steps.

“I can be Rizzo if I want! Fuck you!”

“Yeah, lesbian! How dare you put cheerleader in a box! She can be whatever she wants!” Willam cried.

“That's right,” Courtney added, “I mean, I did spend all summer hanging out with a prostitute. What did you do? Day Camp?”

“I was a counselor,” Adore replied, laughing. She reached into the cooler and pulled out a bottle. “Here, have another drink. And I thought Katya was a stripper, not a prostitute.”

“You don't know her. It's a very blurry line,” Courtney explained, taking the offered wine cooler.

Willam grabbed Courtney’s hand and pulled her away, spinning her around and around. “Less talking, more dancing!”

Adore shook her head, watching them with a smile, lighting up a joint. Roy sat down beside her--the last of his class, since UCLA didn’t start for a few more weeks.

“Hey, Delano. How ya doing, man?”

“Good...bro.”

Roy flashed some dimples at her, then just sat for a minute, unusually quiet, as they both watched their friends dancing like fools. Willam dipped Courtney low to the ground and she shrieked and giggled.

“God, she’s so fucking beautiful,” he said.

Adore wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or himself. She nodded, leaning against the banister and sighing slightly.

When Roy spoke again, it was quiet. “I know, you know. How lucky I am.”

Adore looked at him, considering her reply. Finally, she just nodded and said, “Good.”

Roy gave her another smile.

“Make sure she stays outta trouble while I’m away.”

“I think I’m probably the least qualified person for that job,” Adore laughed, then held out the joint.

“Thanks, I’m cool.”

“Debatable,” Adore retorted, taking another hit.

Roy shook his head, chuckling.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Delano.”

“Aww...shut up.”

-

On the first day of their senior year, Courtney and Adore walked out of their fourth period economics class together, giggling over Laganja’s unfortunate new haircut.

“I feel bad for saying so, but it’s just so...”

“Hideous?” Adore supplied, and Courtney giggled some more.

“Yeah. Poor thing. Although it’s hard to say whether her hair is more or less tragic than Mr. Sutton’s awkwardness. He’s like a baby deer.”

“I know! But like, imagine trying to get the respect of students who are pretty much your age,” Adore laughed.

“How old do you think he is, anyway?”

“Uh, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure he graduated with Kim and Angie. I think I remember him from when Angie did show choir.”

Courtney grabbed onto Adore’s arm, eyes wide.

“Omigod, you’re right! I knew he looked familiar!” she exclaimed.

It wasn’t until they were halfway down the hill that Adore noticed Courtney still walking with her. She hadn’t split off to go sit with the neighborhood kids like past years, simply walked beside her towards the oak tree, where Trinity and Willam already sat, sword-fighting with breadsticks.

“Are you...planning to join us?” Adore asked curiously, and Courtney bit her lip.

“Is that okay? I mean...it’s just a little weird without Roy and Darienne, so I thought…you can say no if-”

“Of course it’s okay!” Adore pulled her in for a side hug. “Everyone loves you, you know that.”

“Everyone?” Courtney asked, one eyebrow nearly to her hairline.

“Almost everyone.” Adore smiled ruefully. “And anyway, I want you here, so she can just deal with it.”

As it turned out, Adore was right. Everyone welcomed Courtney enthusiastically with open arms. And even Violet was unusually cool about it, containing her disapproval to some muttered asides to Fame, who promptly thumped her on the shoulder every time, akin to bopping a puppy on the nose with a newspaper.

Courtney didn’t seem to mind either way, cheerfully trading barbs with Willam and letting Fame “fix” her eyebrows, which were deemed “just too pale.”

“Are your pubes blonde, too?” Willam asked curiously, and Trinity began choking on her sandwich from laughter.

“Gross,” Courtney said, wrinkling her nose.  

“Actually, are they? I’m kind of curious,” Trinity said.

“Come on, cheerleader, just tell us!” Willam urged.

“You know, I quit cheerleading almost a year ago,” Courtney said.

“So?”

“He still calls me ‘New Girl,’” Pearl explained.

“Why are you stalling? Show! Me! Your! Pussy! Hairs!” Willam said, and Fame put her whole head in her hands, letting out a horrified groan before going back to Courtney’s eyebrows.  

“Careful, Bill, or you might get what you wish for,” Courtney sang, staring him down. “You really wanna see my pussy?”

“Uhh...no. Well, maybe...but no. Or…” Willam’s brow furrowed.

“Shit, you broke his little gay brain,” Pearl said, laughing.

“Omigod, that’s so much better!” Fame sat back on her heels, holding up a compact so that Courtney could see her new defined eyebrows.

“Oh wow, that is better! Thank you!”

After snapping the compact shut and handing it back to Fame, Courtney caught Adore’s eye, both of their faces melting into a grin. As Adore buried her smile into her sandwich, she couldn’t help but think about what a change it was from last year.

Maybe a sign of good things to come...or maybe the calm before the storm.

#rpdr fanfiction #tree house kisses #scorpio #veronica #adorney #adore delano #courtney act #bianca del rio #bitney #willam belli #miss fame #lesbian au #high school au #angst #fluff

[capitainecorbeau]

K you know what I tried to write a steam review but it turned out way too long so here you go ! (the random italics/bold are here for readability, it’s LONG and I know wall of texts can be hard to digest)

I want to like this game, I really do. There was obviously a lot of love poured into it, and there ARE some stuff in it that are pretty cool and made me happy... but overall it just... not very good.

Buckle in, it's gonna be a long one. Also light spoiler warnings, I'll try to stay vague, but I am going to discuss some plot points. Also tw for mentions of mental illness and harmful tropes relating to it.

GAMEPLAY : this is, IMO, the worst part of the game. They tried to spruce up the ol' jRPG/tactical RPG formula, but the result dosn't work.

Reason 1 : The combat is extremly unsatisfying. Like, in every single rpg I've played, even the more lackluster ones, there was always a couple a ways to deal significantly more damage to the enemy. It could be a weakness/resistance system, critical hits, buffs, a gauge that when filled lets you unleash more powerful attacks, grouped attack, etc etc. Inkenfell doesn't really has that.

Ok so, when you time your attacks, there are three results : oops, when you mess up, nice and great. Except that great, the best you can get, feels like what bog-standard attacks do in other rpgs. There is no significant difference between nice and great. I ended up very quickly setting the timing on auto (every signle attack is "great") because it felt like they just added an extra tedious step to the usual menu-based combat. Also despite that, and skipping all fights save for the bosses, it STILL felt long and grueling.

There are attempts at more powerful damage but they all fall flat. Most buffs are single target, which I don't bother with because I could spend that turn attacking rather than applying a buff that most often a)makes little difference or b)wears off too quickly.

There are a couple attacks that deal effective damage against certain enemies but a)the difference is negligible b)one of those is against a type of enemies you barely ever fight against. There's also a "powerful" attack you can only do when your hp is below half ! It's less powerful than the single target spell you get at the very beginning of the game. All in all, it makes every thing long, grindy, and not very exciting.

Reason 2 : The utter lack of variety. Almost every single boss fight is exactly the same. Couple of phases, the boss attacks you and summons minions. SOMETIMES they also have status effects/debuffs. And that's it.The first couple bosses have this trick where their minions explose on death and deal bigger damage. But that quickly disappears. I can't really speak for the other battles because I skipped them but for what little I played it also felt very same-y. As for your characters, you have characters focusing on raw damage and other focusing on utility (healing, buffs, etc).

I basically benched every utility character because the general damage output is already low enough and the utility isn't really useful. Healing is fine, buffs would be fine if it didn't buff enemies caught in the range as well (I usually use them once at the start of the battle and then stop bothering). You can set traps if you want, and then tear your hair out as you watch the enemy repeatedly side-step them (though there are two character who can set traps, maybe you couyld make a strategy out of that). Most likely the trap will expire or you will kill the enemy before they step on it. You can steal items, but you find so many everywhere in game that if you don't use those skills you won't miss them. You can poison your enemies, for an amazing ONE DAMAGE A TURN. Or delay their turn, if you feel like eating two attacks in a row later. Nothing really feels worth it you know ?

It results in this long, drawn-out same-y battles where you just use the same couple of spells against the enemy, over and over until they die. Which, in terms of bosses, can take a very long time. My reaction to new phases was generally "are you kidding meeee ANOTHER one ?" which is not a good sign.

Reason 3 : The lack of juiciness and quality of life. Example : you can freely see enemy hp ! if you specifically go to the menu and hover over the enemy. Otherwise, it's hidden. Why ? Either make their hp easily and quickly visible, or keep it hidden ! When you factor in the fact that every attack has its own, sometimes awkward range, that you cannot walk on occupied tiles (apparently your allies will not deign step aside to let you through), the short walking range of the characters, AND the facts that many enemies love to pepper the battlefield with traps (high damage+lost turn), actually getting in a good position to hit the enemies can be rather tedious. Hitting the enemies doesn't feel satisfying. There aren't little things like shaking their sprites, shaking the screen, cool fx, satisfying sound effects, etc. Just the damage and a little "oops/nice/great". It's a little things, but it makes battles feel even more flat.

TL;DR : the fights are repetitive and unsatisfying, and none of the alternatives to "deal damage to enemy" feel interesting enough to explore.

STORY :  The story is... eh ? Well let's just say there are good things, bad things, and utterly confusing things.

Good : The characters are pretty endearing, for the most part. I'm not gonna be thinking about them for long after finishing the game, but they're nice, there were lots of funny quips and cute moments. That's mostly what kept me around despite the bad gameplay (and other issues I'll get to), I wanted to know what would happen to these people ! Also I loved that there are so many nonbinary characters !! With different presentations and pronouns !! AND who are all humans :D That made me really happy.

Bad : The pacing is bad. My god it's bad. Most of the first half of the game boils down to : we have to do x, but for that we have to go to y, but we can't so we have to ask w in z, and just when you think you can, finally, do x, another obstacle pops up and you have to go on the other side of the map to do something else. It really feels like you're making little to no progress, and it ended up being quite frustrating at times. The second half of the game is better, but sometimes, after an emotiolly intense moment, you would snap right back to "oh we have to go to q but there's a giant rock in the way !". Jarring. Also some scenes left me asking "wait that's it ? You're not gonna discuss things further ?" or "Why aren't the characters reacting to this ?". The story in itself was ok, but the pacing... yikes.

Also, this is more a personal gripe that anything, but... (spoilers warning) I really didn't like how the game handled trauma and ptsd. It fell into the ol' trope of "ptsd/delusions makes people dangerous and violent", and that's not really something I expected from a game that tries to be progressive about this stuff (The inclusion of content warnings is a very good thing !! more games should do that). And I'm not talking like "lashing out at people", no, we're talking kidnapping, assault, murder, potentially triggering the apocalypse. And like, the game deliberately puts these characters through some of the worst things that could happen to them, which made them very violent and dangerous as a result... I don't know, it feels pretty thoughtless and cruel. Not to mention that they then go down the "oh but it's not your fault it's the traumaaaaaa" which, ew, no. No, mental illness, ptsd, trauma etc don't make people inherently violent and dangerous. But when you harm people, it's serious, and you should make amends, regardless of what mental ilness(es) you may or may not have. I dunno, maybe it's just me but that whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth.

Confusing  : There's a character who is handled very weirdly ??? Like, at the beginning of the game they're pretty present, they get an arc, join you and then... barely do anything ???? They almost never interact with the others, or react to what's going on ? There are scene where they went to the trouble to show their sprite (characters who don't contribute to the conversations usually don't appear), but they don't say or do anything ??? At most they make a quip about fighting and stuff but that's it ??? There was a scene when the group argues and a few characters go off on their own, and other follow them and comfort them. I thought, well, since they have a huge crush on the protagonist, they're gonna go and talk to her, right ? They're the only one who hasn't left yet. But nope ! They don't even react ! And yet they're one of the few characters who gets a song ???? I feels like they were added as an afterthought what It's a shame, they're pretty fun.

TL;DR The characters are endearing but one is handled weirdly, the pacing is bad and some plot points felt unsavory.

And finally, some random stuff. In general, the world feel very bare and empty. I'm not just talking about the very low number of npc, there's a plot reason for that, but there is almost no flavor text ?? At first I tried to check out everything, to learn more about this setting and the people in it, but the only things you can interact with are plot important. Makes the whole world rather flat, and that's a shame ! I would've liked to learn more !

One good thing though, is the inclusion of accessibility features like different options for the timing gameplay, displaying content warnings and stuff (though I've seen someone say the game wasn't friendly to photosensitive people , there is an option to reduce flashing lights but I dunno how good it is). That's very nice, and I hope more games will include those features !

So here's my giant wall of text on Ikenfell. I'm sad I didn't end up liking it more, but the game has quite a few issues (ESPECIALLy gameplay-wise). I hope the developers will take that as an opportunity to leanr, because I'm sure they can make good games ! There's some good stuff in there, some good ideas that would've just needed to be imlplemented better !

#babbles #game babbles #long post #very long post #apparently I spent an hour writing this lol #adhd #some repeats with my previous posts but more fleshed out

[johnmurphysreddit]

ifandomus replied to your post “Very late but I think part of the reason Russell puts me on edge is...”

@johnmurphysreddit From what I remember wasnt the population problems only about the lack of hosts? I mean they sacrificed null infants, and didnt let the nulls reproduce. Why would they do that if they had population issues.

Hey! So minimum viable population size is an issue I don’t think we’ve beaten to death on Tumblr! Let’s go.   

Basically, to have adequate genetic diversity to avoid inbreeding and the associated damage that comes with it, there’s a minimum number of people needed.  The lowest number I’ve ever seen is 160, (or 80 if you’re really really dystopian) however any minor disaster or widespread disease stands a high chance of killing everyone and ending that colony.  Also note that article has them returning home after 20 generations to introduce more genetic diversity.  Also note that this number gives each generation a marriage pool of about 10 potential partners and everyone in each generation is expected to produce a child.  It’s theoretically viable for a few generations, but it’s grim.  

Most projections have the number well over a thousand with four thousand seeming to be a pretty commonly accepted number for a self-sustaining and genetically undamaged community with employment diversity and specialization. 

Even when Sanctum had the all adults required town meeting they seemed to be right around that 100 person cap.  The kids were in bed an the adults were living highly regimented lives.  They were livestock like and treated as such.  

So, yes, Josie’s stated reason for sacrificing the infants was wah wah wah I don’t want to raise grain to feed people who won’t ever spawn hosts for meeee! but that’s crazy as hell.  It’s killing the boy baby chicks because they’ll never lay eggs, and that’s not generally what you do with people.  If their goal is for the colony to survive until rescue rather than just their own immortality then the primes should have recognized the utility, practicality, and quality of life improvements they’d get from a larger population and stopped Josie.  That it never seemed to occur to any of them suggests that she wasn’t the only one who considered herself a different species from the humans.  

#ifandomus #meta #the 100

[loxxxlay]

Official note about Dark Thor Grandthorki fic and Semi-Hiatus

The Situation My Dumb Ambitious Ass Has Landed Itself In

Unfortunately, my big bang date has arrived a lot quicker than I expected it to. >.> On Friday, I’m expected to post the fic I’ve been working on since June. Don’t get me wrong, I have very much been working on it this whole time; unfortunately, I have also been doing quite a lot of exhausting things, including treatment for mental health and college classes. I’m suffocating in the stress of my last semester, which isn’t great for fanfic writing. T_T woe is meeee~

Because of ^, my dark-Thor grandthorki fic (god it needs a title too, huh) is incomplete and, no matter what, will not be completed by Friday (especially considering that all but one of my classes has something due this Friday, too, ugh). Luckily I did sign up for a solo track for big bang so no artist has been ill-used! Unluckily I have robbed some actually prepared & hard-working individual of a very lenient&late posting date. T_T Thus, I want to at least post something on Friday because it would be super inconsiderate and irresponsible of me otherwise, no matter how unprepared I am D:

So, here is what I have decided for my Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki fic:

I am going to post the beginning chunk (about 10-15k words) of the fic! It will be posted as a WIP but as the spirit of the big bang is only to post a completed fic, the part I post will not end on any rudely patience-challenging cliffhanger.  (Those who are still waiting for OoT and Figment of Choice to be complete, I am so so sorry lmfao, and this will not be anything like those cliffhangers.) In fact, I’m trying to make this chunk end on a note that is as complete as possible, while still being a WIP.

As for the quality of this beginning chunk... sigh... It’s definitely not my best writing ever since the only times I could work on it were unfortunately times where my writing skill was rusty and atrophied. >.> However, it’s definitely not my worst writing either lmao, so hopefully it will still be enjoyable! @veliseraptor will be betaing the part most recent and most clunky (I didn’t ask her to beta all of it because that would be super unfair in such a short time frame lmao), and until Friday I will be doing my best to polish the rest!

However! As the entire fic isn’t quite written/outlined, I’m nervous about posting this beginning chunk because of how future writing might require changes to be made. Therefore, the part I post is potentially gonna be subject to extreme changes once I start working on it again months from now. In other words, after I graduate, I’m gonna edit it, possibly change things that happen in it, depending on future scenes, and hopefully do it better justice.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, because I don’t want y'all to read this Dark Thor Grandthorki fic with high expectations! T____T I know a lot of you have been super excited and eager to read it after all the excerpts I’ve shown you and all the meta I’ve posted about it. I remember receiving a ton of asks about it back in the pique of me working on it. And.. like.. I know I say this a lot, but I genuinely mean it this time: This is not going to be my usual expected brand of (allegedly) good fic. This is gonna be at least a little disappointing. This is not to criticize myself. It’s just a fact based on how I’ve been writing it and how little I can edit it right now.

And I’m honestly super sad because this project has been so so so important and fun for me that I don’t want you to go in without knowing that it won’t be as good as I want it to be.

In fact, my biggest reason for telling you all this is to give everyone an OPTION to actually NOT read it on Friday. If you want to see it in its final form and its final form only, you can instead wait until I’ve actually had a chance to complete the entire fic, edit what needs editing, get it beta-ed, and feel prepared enough to stick to a regular posting schedule. Obviously I don’t care one way or another when you choose to read it--have at it if you don’t care about it being sub-par! ^_^ I just want you all to know where I’m coming from and be able to decide one way or another. So yeah. Feel free to decide whether you want to read the shittier version on Friday or whether you wanna save yourself for the less shitty version later!

Semi-Hiatus Info:

Initial Note: I’m not really going on any kind of hiatus. I’m changing nothing about what I’m doing recently. I’m just... officially acknowledging that I’ve got one foot in fandom right now and one foot out. And that it will continue to be like this until I graduate in December.

And sighhh, I know I say “ohhhh I will be so much more free and able to work on fandom stuff when this date arrives” again and again and again and nothing ever changes lmfao. But when I say I’ll be more free to work on stuff after December, I actually mean it lmfao because that is when I’ll be graduated from college. I’ve never been graduated from college my entire time in fandom, so you can trust that I’m not kidding around this time.

So yeah, in light of my recent silences/etc, please don’t think I’m disappearing. T_T I’m just really stressed and ... even though I try to lie to myself about it ... realistically ... it’s just not possible for me to do all the fandom stuff that I want to be doing right now. :( Especially as this final semester starts ramping up and finals week starts approaching. :/

Obviously, I’ll still be busy after I graduate. I’ll be looking for full-time work and be starting the process of moving out (I’m super excited!) But the mental energy I’ll need for writing won’t be used up by essays and papers and original creative writing classes! (Assuming I get a seat-warming job, crosses fingers lol.) So basically I’m just letting you all know that, despite my behavior, I haven’t forgotten anything! I just really don’t have time (yet).

For sake of knowing when you can expect things, here’s a list of the things I want to work on (starting December) in order of importance:

(honestly this is as much for my reference as yours lmao)

Commenting and reblogging this year’s Grandthorki Day fics! Very top priority, and if I get a free two seconds in my life, I’ll try to do some of this before semester ends too

Putting Grandthorki Rimworld streams into shorter view-able highlights instead of the full-streaming chunks that they currently are in (especially that 3-hour unwatchable one)

Finishing OoT

Commenting on the rest of the grandthorki fics that have been neglected in recent months

Finishing Moment of Peace

Finishing Figment of Choice

Completing the Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki Fic

Going through my drafts to answer all the asks and recommend all the fic I’ve put there

Finishing that Whumptober Collection and/or Re-Doing Whumptober (because lets be real by the time all of this is done, it will probably be October haha)

Updating Happily Ever After

If I’m forgetting anything that you guys really have been wanting me to do, please let me know!

#sorry i just felt like i needed to say S o m e t h i n g because this has been weighing on me quite a bit the last several months #long post #blog maintenance #grandthorki for ts #dark thor #lox talks personal

[thatskepticalbitchcara]

Hi babe, how are you doing lately and did you have fun at the comedy show??

▪︎favorite color: lavender

▪︎favorite food: pasta

▪︎are you friends with exes: my very first girlfriend fron HS is a really good friend now.

▪︎do you still have feelings for exes: no

▪︎coming out story if you have one: I already told that story here.

▪︎what time do you go to bed: weekdays 7:30 pm. Weekends, depends on what I'm up to.

▪︎what time do you wake up: weekdays 2:45am on the weekends I love to sleep in so I wake up when ever I feel like it or I have something planned in that case I have to set an alarm or I won't wake up.

▪︎what's your best wifey quality: I'm not sure but I could provide for my wife

▪︎what's your worst wifey quality: I hate hate doing laundry but I love folding it.

▪︎body count: I'm not embarrassed to say, 3 it's pathetic I know.

▪︎worst habit: when I cook I use way to many dishes/pots and pans for the simplest meals.

▪︎are you a sports fan: I love soccer but anything else nope

▪︎what activities did you do in high school: lots of dance competitions and dual enrollment in college and graduated a whole year early.

▪︎have you been to pride: are you kidding NYC has one of the biggest pride festivals in the state

▪︎have you ever lived with a partner: Nope

▪︎do you have piercings: yes, 5 (ears, nipples, navel) I went a bit crazy when I turned 18

▪︎Instagram handle: I don't have one

▪︎what did you do today: I helped my gramps built a bench, he now owes me a manicure. We are currently watching Castle

▪︎place you want to travel to: I've been to a lot of places so I'll go anywhere my partner wants to go.

▪︎do you have a big family: no I always wish I did. My dad was adopted, my mom is an only child and so am I. They wanted to give me a sibling but my mom had complications with getting pregnant again.

▪︎biggest fear: that I won't be able to have a biological child of my own. Long story that I wish to tell you one day.

▪︎adult beverage of choice: sweet wine

This was fun, well dinner is almost ready and my parents just got here so I'm going to spend some time with them since I've been with the grands all week. Hope you have a great evening I'll come back tomorrow. 😜😍❤💕🤪

hi there 😉 💕

the comedy show was great! much better than expected bc it was DIY so veryy like underground (literally) but also very well done.

how are you?!

also.. lavender and pasta? incredible answers. pasta is also a favorite of mine. and not to brag, but i make pretty good pasta.

your sleep schedule sounds CRAZY btw omg... i don't know HOW you do it.

and also.. nothing about you is pathetic at all. mine isn't even much higher than yours lol. nothing weird about it to meeee 😘 and totally understandable about the biological children. i also have always wanted to have a big family (even if it's found family) because i grew up so lonely. i'm okay w adoption though.

hope you're having a great weekend and enjoying some time to relax as much as possible 💜 hope to hear from you soon!

[amma-af]

it aint me

dancing--shut up and dance with mlooking to cast a model for a portrait series based on identity for TFP only (unfortunately) but i promise ill make it fun/complensate with quality pics. 

can how deep is your love be a qawali

qawali series--songs we can consider to be a convo between the divine and its lover/unsure, anxious, nervous devotee 

how deep is your love is def one of those--just read the lyrics. made me dance a bit uncontrollably. haram?

ask sania, in collaboration with shezantino. why dont you revive that or no longer identify with? i associated it with you for a while

too ooncha man.

we’re reaching.

im reaching.

too high. 

for example, sitting in my plaid shirt in my living room, disheveled, surrounded by afterschool projectst that look menacing but also cute at the same time, but make it fashion--pink hand, dog placed eerily.

paranoiaas

walking doll jumping on me mad creepy r.l.stines style

desires, husband comes to comfort, or party and all these college like outdoors noises dont exist beyond our music.

listening to music feeling evil distraight but also ok? idk. 

dancing with hub shut up and dance with me--what that song embodies used as title.

she took my arm, i dont know how it happened. 

should i ask friends to model or make model friends? lol

wooohoo shut uo and dance with meeee

queen record

 maybe shoot of its own?

i realized this is my last chance

aaj jane ki zid na karo

im losing my mind feeding muf.

cuddling muf

sex on the couch

sitting and watching psych

hanging with muf

eating dinner

happily

depressed

ecstaticly high

normal

sleeping

watching psych

fighting on NYE

coming home early because you missed me

happy birthday awkwardness

NYE sitting talking to family

NYE sitting missing family

NYE sitting heads in hands.

mustafa sleeping in the middle.

aas a child, reading, at walker street

writihg. in pain or harry potter at walker road

dreaming at lakeshore

library, brandy?  for sure.

popularity

back scratching game

runescape

skorts

fuck 

grasshopper

pony

so many memories shit that shcool was good those vibes were amazing, i exploited the shit out of my popularity lol

i hope brandy isnt a trump supporter. i think she was mormon. i hope shes happy and healthy and safe.

same for h. 

too many self portrait ideas

lets do the simple in quarantine vibes

and then make more model friends to capture--i miss korinne im sorry i couldnt make you famous kid, wish we had more energy and i hadn’t taken your condition lightly, had i just done my photogrpahy more like you always encouraged but hell, where did yoi have the time? was i too mcuh competition for joe that she didnt even fucking ask?

maybe she could sitll be friends with Kor and maybe wed be on the way to the path of being infkluencers and hell Kor maybe wed be famous sooner and we couldnve made it together but fuck jo. 

lmao me in college would be a hilarious yet terrible shoot.glorious maybe lmao freaking kainee man.

what i look like in college what i looked like in high school what i looked at my worst/best what i looked like as an adult and beyond? maybe ev en as a kid?

baby--lol recreate.

[drblueneck]

Jagged Pieces - A glimpse into Minato and Kujin’s friendship (Part 2)

Black Rabbit-san and Mavis said on ffnet something along the lines of: “You know, some part of me thinks that male Kushina is gay for Minato” – you may be right, you may be wrong. Who knows what goes through Kujin’s head half of the time! Here is a little drabble for ya all! Enjoy :)

  Drinking with Kujin was never a good idea: the red leech would become even more of a parasite, clinging to Minato’s body like an octopus with the strength of a boa, all the while switching between singing off-key about love and whining about random things – such as the poor quality of wire strings or the lack of meat buns at a new food truck he hit the week before.

The worst was that Minato would indulge him, too drunk and tired to really fight off the ridiculously buff man – these were the moments when the blond would wish he was physically more built than his friend. At least, when sober, he could kick his ass in less than ten seconds…

And so this is how he found himself wearily dragging his feet back home, already thinking about his plush bed and Naruto’s dulcet screeches, berating him for coming home past midnight, trying to forget about the redhead attached to his back like a baby koala – which was no easy task.

“Minaaaaatooooo,” Kujin moaned right in the man’s ear.

When no reply came, Kujin’s fingers crawled into Minato’s hair and grabbed a handful of locks in tight fists. He then proceeded to use them as he would reins on a horse, jerking the man’s head up and down, right and left, punctuating each shove with a whiny “Minato”.

“What?” the blond finally sighed, having trouble seeing straight after the rough treatment.

Warm fingers trailed down the blond’s cheeks, followed by equally warm but clammy palms brutally smooching them together. No reaction.

“Minaaaatoooo… You’re nice to everybody but meeee!!” Kujin whined, forcing his friend’s lips open and close, as if playing with a dead fish’s mouth.

His hands were batted away as Minato massaged his abused face, trying to remember if he was supposed to turn right or left. The Uzumaki tugged on his hair, guiding him to the left. He followed without asking questions, and yelped when two bare feet dug viciously under his ribs.

“You didn’t say anything, asshole,” the redhead pouted, his arms getting uncomfortably tight around the Namikaze’s neck.

“Cause I’m not nice,” the blond man drawled sleepily.

They both studiously ignored the fact that instead of letting the Uzumaki back at the pub with no shoes and barely able to walk, he went out of his way to bring his friend back to his own flat, in the opposite direction from where he lived.

“Ya should be nice ta me, though! I’m ya best friend, dick.” There was just a sigh and Kujin tightened his partial chokehold. “You like me, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Minato said through a yawn, fully relaxed despite the impending danger his throat was in. “Like a brother.”

And there went the high pitch whine Minato had been trying to avoid all night long. Kujin kicked his legs and arms, tugging harshly at the blond’s hair.

“Miiii-naaaa-tooooo! I don’t wanna be your brother – you treat ‘em like shit!”

“What do you want to be then?”

Kujin bounced excitedly on Minao’s back, and he knew that he’s have to stay in bed tomorrow morning to nurse his poor spine back to health. Sometimes, he felt older than his 23 years…

“Your wife! Duuude, you treat Naruto-chan so nicely, I’m jealous!”

Minato actually stumbled at the words before righting himself and trying to make sense of his friend’s words.

“Yeah, well… she bore me a child.”

Even though he couldn’t see him, Minato knew Kujin was pouting.

“So what?” the redhead grouched. “If I give you a kid, you’d be nicer to me?”

Indulging his friend just to shut him up, the blond nodded. “Yep. Basically.”

Kujin pumped his fists up, crying “Alright!” with all his might. There was determination in his voice as he urged his friend to go faster towards his flat. “We have a baby to make, dude!”

Silence. Then a sigh followed as Minato continued to walk at his leisured pace.

“Kujin.”

“What?”

“You’re a man, Kujin. You can’t have babies, Kujin.”

An outraged exclamation was his answer, followed by more hair-tugging and an old civilian banging his window open to yell at them to shut up. Kujin didn’t care one bit.

“Is that a challenge?! Is it? I accept it, Minato! I can pull off everything. Just watch!”

“I’m not having sex with you, Kujin…” came the weary voice of his fellow shinobi.

“Come on! How am I supposed to beat that challenge without your dick being involved? How?!”

Another sigh. “Shut up, Kujin…”

A grumble, then the Uzumaki finally settled , arms loose around Minato’s neck. “I’m totally having your baby, man. And you’re totally gonna treat me like your wife. Ha! Your other wife is gonna be so jealous….”

He should really, really trop drinking with the red leech.

Naruto-san will laugh at me for years if people find out… I hope nobody heard us…

Two days later, Naruto just stared at him, then back at her Kunoichi Weekly, then back at him, and smirked.

“So,” she drawled, dark blue eyes alight with mirth, “apparently, Kujin decided to change sex just so you could elope and have kids together?”

Minato’s glass broke in his hold and he glared at the trashy periodic where he knew some of Jiraiya’s short stories were published. One day, he’d burn the printing building to ashes. But he’d first beat to a pulp the informant working for his mentor.

 ---

(Imagine Minato’s and Kujin’s reactions if they one day learn about Naruto being their love child from another dimension. Hilarious. Kujin would totally call it a win and demand to be treated AT LEAST as Minato’s mistress. And Naruto would just stand there and be like, “Yeah Minato, that’s no way to treat your man-wife, you bastard. Take responsibility!” They make one fun trio…)

But, for real, to answer the question: Kujin is definitely into boobs, though he’s an adventurous mofo, so he wouldn’t be opposed to try the D at least once. Or twice. Or more. He just likes sex a lot. And let’s be real, if Minato would ask for a good boning? Kujin would be the first one ass naked and ready for action, like “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE, MODAFUCKAS! MINATO, HERE! TAKE MY ASS VIRGINITY! DO NOT BE GENTLE.” Because Minato is special like that. (So yeah, he’s just really devoted to his friend, to such an extent that it can become creepy fairly quick. But creepy Kujin is too funny to hate IMO.) In fact, if Kujin had to settle down with anybody, his first choice would’ve definitely been Minato. Not because he’s in love with him, but because Minato is his dearest friend, and that like me, he thinks that marrying a really good friend may be better than to actually take a dive into the world of Love and possibly get hurt in the long run. His ideal lover would be his best friend. And it so happens that Minato is the said best friend.

Aaaand because homoeroticism is really fun to write. I admit. Sue me. (But honestly, you really can’t help it when you major in literature and you spend half your time reading and studying novels from the 1700s-1800s where male friendship was pretty… suggestive.)

TL;DR: No, he’s not in love with Minato, I just like to push the BROmance to the extreme because it’s fun to rile up the readers.

(This could be considered as Part 1 of this impromptu series)

#jagged pieces #jagged pieces snippet #snippet #Minato Namikaze #Kujin/Male!Kushina #male kushina #Naruto Uzumaki #bromance #BROTP

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Ready for the return of the epic old-school recaps? Us too! We've started a crowdfunding campaign to make it happen. Visit the campaign page for The Return Of The Epic Old-School Recaps.

Guys! I actually can't wait to dig into this Law & Order: SVU season premiere in recap form! Over the last few seasons, the show has increasingly suffered from "especially heinous" writing and silent-movie acting, with the result that it's now a hate-watch for this correspondent -- but, to lean on another reference to the aughts here, I just can't quit it.

[fires warning shot of compressed air under caps-lock key] Aight, let's get this over with so we can get back to marinating in quality episodes from the past on USA Network, shall we? Chung chung!

Fade up on what I can only classify as proof that NBC is trying to penny-pinch SVU to death. You know in high-school productions of, like, South Pacific when a scene supposedly takes place on a beach, and the "sea" is two rows of blue oaktag cut into scallop shapes, with one of the theater kids who can't sing in the wings on each side, shoving them back and forth and seething because Mr. Ellroy SAID the spring play was Noises Off?

Welcome to the network equivalent, although a chyron is valiantly pretending it's "Havana, Cuba" and not a cramped corner of a Silvercup soundstage. When Will "Luke Wheeler" Chase appears with his pretty lady friend and adorable moppet, I almost expected him to have a plywood-and-suspenders "boat" on. He does not. Nor does he break into "Younger Than Springtime"; he merely bids his (we assume) little family adios and strolls off down the "cobblestone" "street."

Cut to another, verifiable street in the 212, where Lt. Olivia Benson and Noah are heading towards a corner, and Noah is whining about…well, I can't make it out over the loud whooshing sound generated by his Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. Unless that's the sound of that vein in my forehead swelling with rage-stroke blood because oh my God when is SVU going to stop with the Noah In Peril storylines -- NO! ONE! CARES! This is a police PROCEDURAL! Please proceed…TO NEVER SHOW NOAH AGAIN! …Why do I bother. As long as MarHar Superstar is an executive producer, I have better odds of Santa finally coming through with that pony than I do of getting anyone to listen to me on the Noah tip. More on why I find the child's storylines so terribly tiresome in a moment; first, let me note that, when last seen, Noah was a toddler with straight dark brown hair and brown eyes. This Noah is twice the height -- I'd guess the actor's age at seven, minimum -- and has light brown curly hair. I just…what?

At least he's also wearing black Chuck Taylors, my own Converse of choice, but before I can sew a cool-parenting badge on Liv's sash, Liv chooses to respond to Noah's whingy "I don't wanna go!" with an overly cheery "School is fun, right?" I just don't understand why the writers do this to Mariska Hargitay, I really don't -- or why she lets them, when she has kids of her own and should know that this fakey, hesitant dialogue she's always saddled with in her scenes with Noah is not how parents speak to their children. I don't have kids, so boulder of salt, of course, but I know parents, I had parents, and this is how people who don't know how to talk to kids, or who just met a kid five minutes ago, talk to kids. Exhibit B: Noah monotones that Lucy, his nanny, wouldn't make him go, and he wishes she were his mommy. Liv:

I mean, first of all, the fuck she wouldn't; Liv is always calling Lucy at all goddamn hours to get childcare coverage because God forbid she delegate anything to Fin, plus working for this stupid family has gotten Lucy shot at, menaced by William Lewis, and I've forgotten what all else, so there is no damn way she's letting Noah horn in on her cigarettes-and-crossword time when she can drop him at school instead. Second of all, and to my point above: toughen up, Liv. It's not your first day. Kids say bratty stuff. Get over it. But no, she's got to whip off her aviators and cry-voice, "What did you say?" This is where I start giggling because I'm remembering the time, SINGULAR, I observed that I would like to go live with my grandmother, who was a lot more permissive about things like sugar cereal and…most of the other things, because grandmothers, and my mother said, "What did you say?" and because I didn't want to get kicked to death, I chirped, "Nothing!" and ran off to do a loathed chore unprompted.

Alas, it is not Barb who is in charge here, but Liv The Helicopter Friend-Mom, so Noah reads off a cue card that is very obviously positioned 140 degrees away from where Liv is kneeling that he wishes Lucy were his mommy. Liv physically flinches, but pulls it together to quaver that it looks like he's stuck with her. She takes his hand and they continue on down the street, but at the corner, she gets a call and lets go of Noah to answer it. The signal changes from don't-walk hand to walk figure, and Ryan Buggle rather too carefully proceeds towards his mark in the crosswalk, and nearly gets grease-spotted by a taxi. Liv shrieks, "NOAH!" and grabs him out of harm's way as the cab -- and all the rest of the traffic on that avenue, like, is the light red for them or not? -- careens past, and then the ADR kicks in with a bleaty "Mom-meeee" that sounds like a kitten, so how old is Noah supposed to be, seriously?

Liv clutches him and repeats that he's okay about 150 times, and if she reams him for going ahead into the street without a grownup and/or scaring the shit out of her, we don't see it, because Liv is a saint who would never raise her voice to her child. I get that seeing the quotidian discipline and negotiations of child-rearing isn't necessarily great TV, but there's a simple solution to that problem in a cop show, to wit: refer to Noah without showing him onscreen. If you must incorporate him into filmed material, write Liv like an actual parent and not a weekend-dad kiss-ass.

Cuba Luke finishes an espresso, then gets kidnapped off the street and hurled into an ancient VW bus by two burly guys. In the back of the van, he's cuffed, then greeted by Fin: "Buenos dias, pendejo." You can say that word in network primetime now?

Hey, I wasn't complaining!

Cop shop. Liv gets another call, this one from Noah's school; apparently he's got some worrisome bruises, and after asking if he's in any pain, Liv theorizes that "maybe it was another student" and "maybe he just fell." Jesus H. Gambino, writers. Has any of you ever even met a little boy? I don't think my brother took a school photo without some kind of contact injury on his face until he was 12. There's no way a New York City school is going to call a parent who is a New York City cop over minor bruising, and there's no way said cop parent isn't going to be like, "Kids bang into shit, don't call me at work unless he's bleeding," and hang up. I mean, am I the crazy one here? Fortunately for us all, Liv is distracted by the entrance of Fin, styling a pair of black shorts and a little Panama hat, and his prisoner. Carisi and Rollins exposit that Willuke, who is going by "Byron Marks" here, raped three women "that [they] know about," then split before they could arrest him. Byron, unconcerned, greets Liv with "Detective Benson. How are you?" "A lot better now," Liv smugs, and I expect her to issue a snotty "and it's 'Lieutenant'" but she doesn't, just adds, "I hope?" by way of confirming with Fin that he took Byron into custody by the book. Fin claims he did.

In an interrogation room, Byron blah-blahs smarmily about the Cuban people. Rollins and Carisi are humorlessly offended by his bonhomie, to the show's customarily non-credible-for-veteran-police degree. Enter Liv; Byron twinkles that he missed her, calling her "Detective" again, and this time she does snap that she's a lieutenant, and if he missed her, maybe he shouldn't have run. He notes that, when "wanderlust strikes," a man has no choice, and blathers on about the verbal sparring, the "heave and ho" he so enjoys; even Liv's assertion that his DNA came up a match to all three victims doesn't affect his sunny attitude, so she leans down into his face to PSA that he ruined the lives of "three! innocent! human beings!" At that, Byron joins the rest of us in having had it, blaring, "And I suppose your sanctimonious crap fills their days with sunshine, and light!" I don't care to be siding with the perp here, but the writing has left me little choice, so: seeeeriously. Byron then bets that he can guilt Liv for not following up with the survivors forever, and snots that, after a couple of years, she stopped sending them Christmas cards because she got busy with conferences and co-op meetings -- but it's cool, because another victim will come along soon enough to let Liv pour out "that goopy stuff" overflowing her heart. Burn. Doesn't seem like he struck a nerve there, as Liv shrugs, "You done?" and suggests he confess and save them all some time, since they've got him cold. Byron's like, nah: lawyer. Rollins: "What happened to the old heave and ho?" Hee. Credits.

Barba's in the house, and he's skeptical of whether they can stick the landing, given the statute of limitations. When Fin's pressed this time re: whether the arrest was lawful, his answer is a dodgier "I thought we were all on the same team!" Encouraging! For now, we're briefed on Byron's m.o.: meet prospective victims at farmers' markets, carry their bags, then threaten to cut off their breasts "if they didn't 'enjoy their afternoon.'" Barba's like, yikes, then asks how the arrest went down. Fin's story is that he was on vacay in Cuba, saw Byron, tipped the local authorities, and pinched Byron without incident. Barba doesn't buy it,

but when Liv backs Fin's play, Barba tells them to "arraign the bastard." He leaves. Liv cuts Fin a "you better not fuck me up with this" side-eye.

At the apartment of Joyce Peterson, Carisi and Rollins inform her of Byron's capture. Joyce is visibly depressed and suffering from PTSD, but when she fails to evince a sufficiently gratifying reaction to the news, Rollins duhs at her that Byron "raped you at knifepoint," like, I think she knows. Joyce mumbles that nobody cares about her, including NYPD; that's why it took them six years to crack the case. Rollins protests that they never stopped looking for Byron. Carisi tells Joyce, albeit reluctantly, that they can subpoena her, but Rollins interrupts to thank Joyce and say they'll be going.

A playground. Keesha Johnson and Rollins watch Keesha's son shoot hoops. Keesha shrugs that she can't blame her son's dad for running off; who would want to be with a victim of sexual assault? Rollins reminds her that it was in fact assault. Keesha says that's what the doctor at the ER said, and Liv, but those are just words. "Things are good for" Keesha now, finally, so she's not going to testify.

Carisi bitches that they've finally caught "this prick" and now the victims won't take the stand. Rollins notes that Byron was one of her first SVU cases (NB: it was offscreen; we've not seen him before) and talks about his very real charm, and how she could have been "one of those women." Carisi joins me in giving her a "…k" look.

Karla Wyatt answers the door to Carisi and Rollins with, "Please don't tell me he's dead." Karla is played by Amy Smart, whom I've always liked and thought should have gotten more famous than she did. It's not like she vanished; she works, but she has star quality, and didn't turn into a star. Until recently, I guess I chalked it up to bad script choices or "just one of those things," but now I have to assume she got Weinsteined some kind of way. Anyway, here she's got a significant scar on her face, and a Jabba of a husband whose response to Karla's excited report that "they caught the bastard" who raped her is, and I quote, "whoop dee doo." He goes back to watching bowling -- okay, we get it -- but perks up, and not in a good way, when he hears that Karla has to testify. Carisi's like, it's not your choice, but Frank's like, she's my wife so it is too: "Like I'm gonna let her embarrass us in front of Mikey and Joe and the guys?" Yeah, we get it. Karla cringes, possibly because her living room just turned into a social-hygiene film about the stigma of sexual violence, as Frank goes on that the other victims can shoulder the burden of court. "Actually, Karla's all we've got," Carisi grunts. Frank's like, so "those other girls" have their heads on straight. Karla sighs that "Frank knows what's right"; Rollins's attempt to argue that testifying could bring Karla closure goes nowhere. Despite six years on the job in New York City alone, Rollins has apparently never been confronted with a reluctant witness or family member.

Back at the cop shop, Liv tries to de-Amish the proceedings by noting that the Wyatts' balking is "upsetting, but not surprising." Liv is wearing a pale-peach version of what is evidently her blouse of the season -- you know, for a couple seasons it was a lightweight v-neck sweater over a cami; another season, it was that gauzy floral under the v-neck?

Lately it's this tenty notch-neck affair. Not the most flattering, IMO. Anyway, Fin suggests using grand-jury testimony from six years ago, but Liv wearies that it's inadmissible hearsay; she'll let the Wyatts mull it over for a day or two and take another run at them herself. Fin doubts that's going to work. Liv snarks that she's sorry he ruined his own vacation, then, and he shrugs that he can only do so much fishing. Liv calls him aside and asks if he's still sticking with the coincidence story. No reason to change it now, Fin says. Hee. Liv is getting heated about how unlikely it is that, with the FBI and the Marshals looking for the guy, Fin's the one who happens to stumble over Byron in Havana. "I'd rather be lucky than good," Fin says, but Liv won't leave it alone. She's shocked Byron didn't put up a fight. Fin should know better than to admit that he "may-a had a little help," but admit it he does, and adds that it's better Liv not ask from whom. This gets a full-head eye-roll from Liv, but Fin is saved from a deeply hypocritical lecture by Liv spotting Karla at the precinct desk. She's going to testify, "screw" Frank. Liv and Fin exchange "…huh" looks, but because it goes on for like 45 minutes into the act-out, it's more like "…h…uhhhhhh…hhhhhhh."

Byron's arraignment, at which he's represented, scruffily, by Randolph J. "Taub From House" Dworkin. Dworkin takes issue with every single person in the state of New York arraying themselves "versus" his client, at length, and when Barba tells him to get new material and asks for remand, Dworkin objects not just to that but to "this entire proceeding," and asks for ROR. Judge Peck is like, "ha? defendant is remanded," as Fin slinks out the back. We're not the only ones who noticed that, as Barba catches up to him outside and asks since when he attends arraignments. Ain't you watched the show lately, Rafa? The whole squad is in court for everything, because nobody else gets assaulted until the current case is discharged. Keep up. Fin does not say this, just claims he wanted to make sure it stuck this time, and what's up with "that clown show" Dworkin? Barba would kind of like an answer to that himself, as Dworkin's usual bailiwick is federal court.

Oh, brother. So Liv is trying to back Noah's teacher, Mrs. Smiley (snerk), off with the "he's a kid" explanation for Noah's bruising. While I try to triangulate an explanation of Noah's current age based on the "Kindergarten, Here We Come!" signage in the room, Mrs. Smiley explains that the nurse interviewed Noah about the bruises, and Noah said Liv gave them to him. Liv does her now-patented Starman head cock and says she finds that hard to believe.

Exactly. Mrs. Smiley observes pointedly that Liv's job sounds very stressful. Liv doesn't see what that has to do "with anything," obliging Mrs. Smiley to explain to a veteran police officer who heads up a unit devoted to sexual and domestic assault that stress can cause people to act out physically. So Liv…acts out physically, rolling her eyes and grimacing and pacing and literally clutching her forehead.

When Mrs. Smiley isn't having her histrionics, Liv fumes that this is all a big misunderstanding. Mrs. Smiley's like, riiiight. Then she asks about Noah's father, which doesn't strike me as relevant or appropriate; Liv is incensed, but confines herself to gritting that "he is deceased." Mrs. Smiley is sorry to hear that. She says Noah seems to like Lucy a lot. "She's his nanny, what's not to like," Liv cry-voices bitterly.

Mrs. Smiley 2020. Liv begs her not to go where Liv thinks she's going "with this," and repeats desperately that it's all a huge miscommunication. Mrs. Smiley is sure Liv's right. (Ron Howard: "She isn't.") She just "had to see it for [her]self." What does that even mean? If you think Liv is harming Noah, the hell good does a parent-teacher conference do? You're a mandated reporter, no? File the report. On another show, preferably, because I could not care less about Noah if I were in a coma. Liv has also had it with this scene, because she stalks off.

Cop shop. Liv is sloshing coffee everywhere. Rollins is like, maybe enough caffeine?, and asks if Liv needs an ear. Liv brushes her off, but Rollins asks again if she's okay, like, she's your boss so maybe leave it out. Alas, Liv only needs one follow-up question to start sharing, like, she's your employee so maybe leave it o-- ugh, forget it. She tells Rollins she got called into the school about "this mysterious bruise on Noah's arm," which, now that I think about it, should really not be all that puzzling since Liv commented in the previous scene devoted to this POS subplot that she thought she'd cleared "all that" up "yesterday" -- meaning she got the initial call about the bruise yesterday, then presumably picked Noah up from school, or at least saw him after she got home, and could have questioned him about the bruise or even merely looked at/for it when she was getting him ready for bed. But no, by acting like they don't live together or that Noah chills at home in a hazmat suit, the writing can amp up the threat to Liv's little family by making the bruise "mysterious." Rollins NBDs that he probably fell off the swings; that's what Liv thought, but Noah told the nurse "a different story." Rollins is gobsmacked by the idea anyone would think Liv hurt Noah. Liv doesn't know "if he's mad, if he's acting out…" You don't know if your kid is mad? Whom you live with? I fucking can't, people! Learn how humans who live together act, writers' room! And by the way, The Horror At The Corner occurred a fucking day ago; would not a veteran investigator DETECT that perhaps it's whipping the ankle-biter out of the crosswalk like a giant yo-yo that caused the bruising?

Giphy

Liv whispers that she just kept thinking while Mrs. Smiley was quizzing her, "I'm the one who asks the questions." Rollins reassures her that she's a good mom, and "if anyone says different, they'll have to answer to" Rollins. Because who's a better character witness than Amarofucker McGamblingdebts over here. ...Okay, that second bit is unfair, but I stand by the first part. Shut up, Amaro. Barba stomps in just then looking for Fin, because Dworkin has filed a motion to dismiss the charges, claiming Fin kidnapped Byron.

Hee. "What if he did?" Liv grunts, not caring as much about managing her staff as she probably could. "We're screwed," Barba says. Liv looks around and chews her lip for a week before someone finally says "cut."

Motion hearing. Dworkin asserts that Fin "invaded a sovereign country" and grabbed Byron up. Barba counters that Byron is a serial rapist. Dworkin rants that that isn't a fact until a jury says so. Great, Barba says, a trial is what we want. The Honorable Johnny Sack looks disgusted with both of them as Dworkin continues that, had Fin pulled this shit even in Jersey, the arrest would be thrown out. Judge Sack asks if Dworkin wants to put Fin on trial. Dworkin says this court doesn't have jurisdiction in the first place. Barba and Dworkin joust with precedents for a while before Sack announces he'll hear arguments tomorrow.

Fin, Barba, and Liv sulk in Liv's office. Fin swears he didn't torture Byron, so the case Dworkin cited to kibosh the arrest isn't relevant. Barba hopes Fin can make that case from the stand. Fin: "I'm a credible guy!" Ringtone! Fin can't believe it doesn't matter that the arrest was in a grey area; neither can Barba, actually. He leaves, and Liv clocks him for not looping her in. Fin can live with some "mud" on his face if it means he caught Byron, but Liv can't; she intenses that, as long as she's in charge, "we do things the right way -- the legal way!" [eye-roll] Okay, Atticus. Fin's over it as well and snarks that she wanted Byron as bad as he did. She stares moodily out into the squadroom and says they fucked up not arresting Byron fast enough the first time. Fin shoots her a "well…yeah" look. She announces that she has to go home and teach her son -- pointed stare at Fin as she grabs her keys -- "that lying is a bad thing." Fin pulls a "good luck with that" face that is probably not how Ice-T was directed, but is quite amusing, because shut up, Liv.

Oh "goody," we "get to" see the aforementioned lesson. Liv is helping Noah on with a supes cute pair of octopus pajamas. Examining an adult-hand-shaped bruise corresponding to where she would have pulled him out of traffic, she asks if it hurts. It doesn't. Liv lets him know that she talked to Mrs. Smiley, and what she said the nurse said. "She asked!" Noah shrugs. Liv's like, we talked about telling the truth, remember? Noah did tell the truth: she gave him the bruise when the taxi almost clipped him.

My tax dollars at work, ladies and germs. Liv forgot! She's so sorry! Big hugs, and a reminder to tell the whole story when he tells the truth! Rueful violins are rueful, because even though Liv is doing a great job picking out cute sheets for Noah's bed, the violins have watched TV before, and this is not over!

Motion hearing. Dworkin examines Byron, and notes upon learning that Byron's job is English tutoring, "That's admirable." Barba objects without looking up from his legal pad. Hee. Judge Sack sustains it. We learn that Mrs. Byron and the Byronlet are Cuban, not American citizens, before Byron testifies that two guys grabbed him and threw him in the van, Fin cuffed him, they "drove…someplace," and he was left in the back for four hours. Here then is the torture claim, as it was over 100 degrees that day. Hearing this, Barba chews the inside of his cheek.

Fin's turn on the stand. He walks Barba and us through tracking Byron down: Byron is a big jazz fan (pfft, figures) (don't @ me), and in particular a fan of a guy named Walter Smith. Fin checked Smith's website periodically to see if Byron might have commented, and when a "B from Havana" compared Smith to Coltrane, Fin thought he might have his guy. So, he went down there, he put Byron in a van, and he convinced the local cops that he was legit and Byron was a bad actor. But he didn't torture Byron. Dworkin begs to differ, confirming with Fin that if he found a dog in a hot car he would have to arrest the owner for animal cruelty. Fin's like, I checked every now and then, and Byron never asked to get out. "Could be because he was unconscious," Dworkin says. Fin glares.

Judge Sack rules that, while he doesn't approve of Fin's tactics, they don't descend to the level of torture, and the trial will proceed. Not so fast, says Dworkin, and introduces a Mr. Formosa, a representative of the Cuban government who objects to his country's borders and laws being violated. Now it's Barba's turn to glare. Dworkin tries to tell Judge Sack he's not competent to hear a political question such as this, but Sack thinks he can deal after he eats some lunch.

And now, to lose my own lunch as Karla stomps into Liv's office to complain about the handling of the case and that the cops don't care. Liv's like, that's not exactly what's up here, which is true, and then Karla is obliged to whine, "You told me closure's a good thing, that it helps in the healing process!" They sit on Liv's Empathy Office Couch so Liv can cheerlead that Karla hasn't let the attack stop her. Karla is not a hundred that her having gotten married is evidence of her indomitable spirit (cosigned), and shovels an exposition pass about politicians deciding whether Byron gets justice in Liv's direction. Liv dunks it: for Cuba to "have standing," they have to show harm to one of its citizens, in this case Mrs. Byron, who's set to testify tomorrow. If Karla doesn't also testify, well… Told that they need her to keep the case alive, Karla's like, maybe Frank's not so dumb after all, and stalks out. Wait so but isn't she upset that the case might not go to trial? And given that it's not the cops' apathy that's endangering it, but rather a presentation of related factors which she could directly influence by taking the stand, why is Karla against participating now? The show could conceivably be taking the position that a survivor's attitude towards testifying can be changeable and/or illogical, but this doesn't feel purposeful. It feels like this part of the script never got past a first draft because everyone's focus was on this dumb wiener Noah B-plot.

Mrs. Byron testifies breathlessly that she met Byron when he came into her store. They went to lunch every day "for weeks" -- during which time, it's implied, he didn't try to rape her -- and fell in love and got married. She wails directly to Barba that it's wrong what Fin did. If Byron doesn't come back, the Byronlet, Teresa, will be destroyed. Dworkin stretches his legs after the guilt trip with a motion to release Byron ROR. Barba leaps to his feet while Dworkin needles him about only charging Byron with one count of rape instead of three, and maybe Karla's testimony isn't so solid either, hmmmmm -- and by the way, if the court isn't "competent" to adjudicate this case, it's not competent to hold Byron, either. Not sure how that argument works if you're going ahead and calling witnesses in a proceeding you don't acknowledge the validity of, but in any case, Judge Sack releases Byron to Dworkin's custody with a stern warning that they both better show up the next day. The Byrons hug.

On the courthouse steps, Barba grumbles that he wants Byron followed. He's not keen on letting Fin of all people do it, but allows it until someone else can take over, and bitterly bets that the Byrons will be en route back to Cuba by the next day.

What looks like a JFK terminal too fancy for me to have set foot in. Rollins tails the Byrons and Dworkin. She loses them, but Carisi picks up the trio. Later, Carisi explains how Fin violated international law as he and Rollins watch their tailees eating at a diner. Byron gets up to use the head, and Rollins tries to keep an eye on him while Carisi is still banging on about Raúl Castro sending a federale to kidnap Fin. Rollins is peering around Carisi's noggin and grousing that she gets it, he went to law school. After about 12 seconds they decide Byron's taking too long, and head in to check on him. Dworkin brays, "This is harassment!" It's going to get way worse if Byron isn't back there struggling with his dairy intake, Rollins tells him (sort of), and sure enough, a search of the crapper and the diner's storeroom makes it clear Byron has bolted.

Cop shop. Fin's alerted all the area airports, but Byron can't leave the country because he doesn't have his passport…so where did he go? Liv gets that liquid-bowels look and calls Karla, begging her to pick up. Then she dashes out. Um, delegating?

…HA HA HA HA, because why keep it frosty in your office like our queen Anita Van Buren when you can go out in the field without backup instead and REALLY put your foot in it? Liv charges up the front walk of Chez Wyatt, gun drawn, yelling for Karla. The front door is open. Liv has her gun sighted, but has learned nothing from the home invasion she blundered into a couple seasons back, or from doing this for 20 years, because she fails to clear the doorway, doesn't have a vest on, etc. She finds Byron seated tensely on the couch, and Karla pointing a revolver at him. She tells Liv to go away. Smiley/Karla 2020. Karla knows Liv can't do that, so can she put the gun down? Byron eye-rolls, "Women," and I don't want to laugh, but that line reading is aces. Less so Amy Smart's screechy choice on "You think this is FUNNAYY?!", which gave the line a weird top note of Real World Tami that doesn't work so well. Liv doesn't want to see Karla go to prison, but what does Liv think Karla's been living in the last six years? She sees the scar every time she brushes her teeth, brushes her hair…Byron babbles that he didn't come there to hurt her, he just wanted to explain about his family and ask her not to testify. Karla's like, GTFOH with that. Liv then goes with a "point the gun at me" approach, and I kind of want to see her get shot somewhere non-fatal like in the ass to teach her a lesson, but girlfriend never learns so let's just get on with this.

The ploy fails. Karla orders Byron onto his feet and shrieks at him about having made her beg him to cut her face. Now she wants him to beg. Byron is frozen, so Karla orders him to his knees or she'll kill him. Liv undermines her with, "No, you won't," like, shoot her in the kneecap or shut up, but you're not helping. Karla and Liv then get in a spat, basically, over whether Karla's capable of shooting Byron and how Liv can't leave her alone with Byron because blah blah blah honor-cakes, and it looks like Byron is thinking that he can make a break for it while these two dummies debate the concept of closure, but in the end he decides not to risk it, and kneels. "Now. I want you to beg me to shoot you." Karla presses the muzzle to his temple. Liv, who in this shot is standing not eight inches from Karla, keeps fruitlessly pointing her own gun at Karla's…belt? and reminding Karla she'll have to arrest Karla if she "do[es] this." Just arrest her now, fool! She's right next to you! Byron begs. Karla isn't satisfied: "You call that begging?!" She cocks the hammer, then begins to decompensate, wailing about the contents of her farmers'-market bag and Byron taking her life away. Liv murmurs platitudes about the pain returning when Karla is behind bars, but at least she's putting up her own gun and making like she's going to grab Karla's arm, finally. Liv says she's just going to take the gun, but a weeping Karla resists, and as Liv is wrenching it away, it fires into the ceiling. Liv orders him onto the ground at the point of Karla's gun, and cuffs him. "You're okay," Liv pants, but a sobbing Karla very much is not.

Cop shop. Liv hurls her blazer at a coat rack, where it lands on a hook perfectly straight. Got it in one! Nice. Barba hopes Karla thought Byron was going to assault her, presumably so he won't have to charge her, but Liv doesn't think so; nor does she think Byron broke in. She's going to take Karla's statement "in the morning" while Byron cools his heels in a holding pen overnight for tampering with a witness. Karla's not there now? I sympathize with her, but: menacing? illegal discharge of a weapon? Liv sighs that this way they can guarantee Byron shows up for court tomorrow. "If only to file false imprisonment charges," Barba sighs back, like, thank you, as I said I stand with Karla but she didn't not do anything. Barba says maybe Liv should just have let Karla shoot Byron. Liv snorts. Barba has to point out that he was joking. After a moment, Liv cry-voices, "I told her to point a loaded gun at me." Barba makes a face like "Livs gonna Liv," and Liv says, "I have a kid, Rafael. What was I thinking?" Not paraphrasing; that's the line. Barba doesn't know what to say to it either, so he pats her on the shoulder and murmurs, "Anyway." Pretty much, yeah. As he's leaving, Liv wonders if there's any way to convince a judge this isn't a political matter. Barba's like, after poor widdle Mrs. Byron cried on the stand about having her hubby taken away? Unlikely. Liv stomps off to take Karla's statement.

Said statement goes into detail about the rape -- Karla remembering trying to get through it by counting crumbs from her breakfast toast is quite affecting -- and is taken in the presence of Mrs. Byron, Dworkin, and Formosa. No idea how that's supposed to be binding, what the timeline is, whether Karla consented to putting this on Front Street for Mr. Formosa...I assume they're flooring it in the A-plot because Bruisegate ate so much runtime, but let's just go with it. Mrs. Byron is crying; Dworkin complains that this is completely out of line (amen). Liv tells him he can leave if he doesn't want to hear it. Mrs. Byron can't believe it was Byron, but Karla presses on with her story. Prompted by Liv, Karla sobs that, when Byron was done, he let her drop to the ground, then urinated on her. Dworkin starts to herd Mrs. Byron out of the room, but Liv notes that they have Byron's DNA, so they know he's done the same thing to at least two other women. Liv then works the kid angle, talking about how Noah insisted on bringing Teddy to school so he wouldn't get scared at home alone. (Fine, that's cute.) Teresa, the Byronlet, used her allowance to buy her doll a dress so she'd look pretty at Teresa's birthday. Dworkin can see the effect this is having, but Liv talks over him to ask Mrs. Byron if she really wants a rapist raising her daughter. Dworkin's like, aaaaand scene, but now Mrs. Byron wants to know what happens if she changes her mind and her story. Liv says that's fine: "All you have to do, is tell the truth." Barba asks Formosa in Spanish what the Cuban government's play is. Formosa basically says they'll stand aside if Mrs. Byron changes her testimony. Is Byron going to jail? Liv assures Mrs. Byron that her soon-to-be-ex is going to pay. Mrs. Byron wants to go home. Formosa will put her on a plane. They leave. All better! ...Yeah, I know, but again, just going with it here. Dworkin knows he's beat and asks if Barba is willing to talk. "As long as he does double digits…and the first one is two," Barba says smugly.

Everyone else shuffles out, and of course Karla has to thank Liv, although Liv says that was "all you, Karla." Karla half-jokingly asks when the closure kicks in. Liv takes her hands: "You're gonna be good. That I can promise you." You…can? Because picking up trash as part of your gun-charge probation is cl…eansing? This show, ffs.

…THIS SHOW, FFS. Okay, so Liv is fun-mom sing-songing "Who wants ice creaaaam?" to Noah and teasing him about how he ate all the strawberry ice cream AND finished the chocolate syrup too, like they're roommates and he was supposed to put it on the list or something, idek. There's a knock at the door, because Liv lives in the Felicity dorm where you can just walk into the building, no doorman, no buzzer. She does check the peephole, for once, and given who's on the other side of the door,

I suppose you could fanwank it, since they were basically living together a few years ago and he could still have a key, or have badged her doorman, but it seriously happens all the time on the show and I simply cannot accept that a longtime SVU detective who has been stalked her own self would be this blithe about home security, especially not when she has a kid now. She gets doorstepped by Brooke Shields in the next episode, no? Writers: buzzer. Videophone. Something.

Anyway, Cassidy is still foine, and flirty about Liv owing him a cup of coffee. She allows as how it's not a great time, but doesn't invite him in, choosing to make chitchat in the doorway about Cassidy's moving to Florida, and this is totally me projecting because I own three cats but Liv just standing there with the door open is giving me agita. Invite the man in already, jeez -- especially since the rambling story he's telling about deciding retirement isn't for him and moving back to Gotham to take an investigator gig in the DA's office is taking kiiiind of a long time to get to any kind of point. As I'm wondering why he didn't bring his old partner Munch with him since he's also on DA-investigator detail, and whether Belzer passed on coming back or what, Cassidy edges up to why he's really there, saying he caught a child-abuse case. SVU had to recuse themselves, he says. "That's odd," Liv says, because apparently giving Karla purpose and meaning caused a selective amnesia concerning Bruisegate in The Best Detective Ever. Cassidy's like, sooooo it's not really that odd because we're investigating you. Liv gawps at him for what feels like a month, no doubt groping for something, anything to say in the face of the utter pointlessness and inanity that is this plot twist. Cassidy comes to tell her? Not a social worker or Child Services, or IAB? Not a cop from another precinct? Not Peter Gallagher's left eyebrow? And…now they come? Over a single bruise that she can credibly explain, and presumably did already? And seriously, truly, find me someone who cares in the first damn place. YOU CAN'T. NO ONE CARES. NO ONE! NOT ONE PERSON!

CREDITS! …God.

Dear Lord in heaven, how I love to hate this 25-car pile-up of a show. Thanks so much for coming on this journey with me, and for supporting us in our quest to return to old-school epic recaps. (I dare y'all to force me to recap the Vixy Platinum episode somehow. Hee.)

Cragen 4eva, Sars

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