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nyctophobia-au · 9 months

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Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

#updates #vent kinda #absence explanation #rot rambles

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javic-piotr-thane · 1 year

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“Like I think just personality wise, Gwen is the most capable leader “

i don’t strictly disagree, much in the same way i don’t disagree that ianto wouldn’t thrive in taking command, and ive said ab my communist theory just now haha

i think my opinion is probably tempered by how i see gwen? which is someone who will take charge & lead but often won’t make the most sensible decisions because she’s too swayed by her emotions (which isn’t necessarily bad, but i think torchwood leadership needs to be more cynical than emotional)

i know these are s2, but i’m thinking of the things that have confused me in her actions (very simplified) - in sleeper, she refuses to promise beth that they will not unfreeze her if they can’t fix her, something beth is clearly terrified about happening (given she kills herself at the end); and in meat she potentially jeopardises people because of her worry for rhys. i also would say the fairies thing too but the majority if not all of the team were upset by that (which i also don’t really understand, perhaps its my autism lol) so that one is more useless as a point here.

there absolutely are moments she excels, but i think chronologically between s1 & 2 she isn’t quite there yet. but yeah, again, odds are none of the others particularly cared to lead and so she was the best option (in that she perhaps did want to lead) but it always struck me as a little odd the newest torchwood agent became the highest ranking one

i think the fairies thing ("how can you give the child to them?!" uhh the child wants to go?? and also otherwise there would be untold revenge??) stumped a lot of people, you're definitely not alone there - i think the writers aimed for a more emotional response from viewers but that didn't quite happen in my impression :''D

and that's actually a good example for a lot of things, like Gwen the main character = the character most of the audience is supposed to relate to. but many (most?) don't.

Gwen is RTD's baby, she's the main character, of course she's in charge. she took over from Suzie who was Jack's Second, and therefore gets to be Second pretty quickly as well. apparently. also main characters have to be special and/or leader characters, that's just how it be. (something something it took Star Trek over 50 years to have a show with a main character who's not captain. only to make her captain later.)

but.... let's take a stop here maybe, because even writing this, i can feel myself slipping back into the negativity i've held for a long time regarding Gwen's... special position in Torchwood, both canon and in the bts and meta sense. and i unironically think leaving that behind was the hardest but also the best thing i've ever done in this fandom. because yeah there's gripes to be had. but i really don't want to be bitter, you feel?? i want to think about and enjoy an interpretation of Gwen (and everyone else, for that matter) that makes me happy and not angry or upset. partially born from fanon, partially born from a mix-up of all the different flavors of canon we have received over the years.

speaking of, regarding the novels; you don't have to rush to read them or anything. some are quite good, but some are something else :''D in fact i think i unintentionally spiralled into a lot of Gwen negativity (i don't like to say Gwenbashing because i like to think i never got that horrible on this blog, but if someone wants to use that term for some of my older posts ig that's fair) back when i first read those, (particularly but not only 12, 13 and 14) because holy fucking hell Gwen's characterisation there is. is not okay at times. everyone is mischaracterized at times in the books but Gwen's bits definitely had the biggest impact on me by far and in the worst way. so maybe. stay away :'D (or only read the first eight for a start, they're decent and have all the people. so double win!)

#now it's me who is rambling god #i hope that made any sense #to be clear i'm not accusing you personally of gwenbashing!! i'm just recognizing a pattern i used to run in #that IN MY MIND (to be clear! my opinion!) is connected to that topic #and therefore wanted to shut that down / step away from that #i ain't going back to that nope #especially because i still remember it all and so easily COULD #i will not #gwen cooper #torchwood

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paranormeow7 · 1 year

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TMC SPOILERZ

goddd I’ve been thinking abt this 4 a while so sorry if this sounds idiotic I’m not good at articulating my thoughts uh

so I’ve been thinking abt that one teaser 4 vol 333. yknow, the one with Jonah, alive, and Adam, implied to be an alternate SEPARATE from the Adam we saw in vol 2. I believe it’s been retconned in favor of the story they gave us (Jonah, seemingly dead, and Adam, surviving Cesar’s house and realizing he was always an alternate), but I wonder what made them do it, since Thatcher’s story seemed not to have been changed. I know there was some drama that went down with Jonah’s actor, but I hope that’s not the reason because I think that’s kind of stupid. (Thinking back, it probably is the reason :p unless the drama happened in a diff timeframe idk I don’t keep up with this shit) A working theory for how it could still fit in2 the series is that maybe if we’re really going the “Adam is super evil and sucks” route (which I hope we aren’t tbh), Adam was walking back from the house, Jonah saw him as he got out of the car, they had the exchange shown in the teaser, and Adam killed him. I don’t think this is too plausible, but idk, it could be. Maybe it’s like some kind of amnesia sleeper agent type of deal where he killed Jonah but didn’t realize?? Idk, I should probably stop rambling and go to bed lmao, ig we’ll see what happens in whatever Alex kister uploads next. :p so that’s just a theory!! A GAME THEOR-(gets taken out back and shot like a lame fucking horse)

#actual sugar post #izzy.txt #text post #rambles #theories #long post #the Mandela catalogue #tmc #Mandela catalogue #Mandela catalogue theories #tmc theories #analog horror #idk

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uniquezombiedestiny · 2 years

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🔊 angela lobotomy corporation?

Just like clockwork, brass and copper, turning, spinning, always running Tick tock tick tock, gears shift, can't talk, repair damage, oxidation Gold inferno, blazing fire, thousands screaming, thousands dying Sanity is withering, their consciousness is fading away Ever marching, ever turning, soldiers fighting, endless cycle With their fates now sealed in copper, just like clockwork, perfect timing --- But when the engine's cold And the battle has calmed and ended Embers will fly away And I'll see all that's died...

Just like clockwork, pendulum stops, hours, minutes, angels of death Glowing furnace, anvil, hammer, cide is born within the forge Molten core and twisting metals, all created for one purpose Faulty scraps left to the sidelines, never given room to glisten (Just like clockwork, divine rework)

---

i havent like. taken the time to actually see a character in this song before but this actually fits angela really well?? i think the first part of lyrics i put is lobcorp angela

"gold inferno, blazing fire" could be like her eyes since theyre orange and thats preeeetty close to gold. also theres fire to make up for it anyway

also specifically "gears shift, cant talk, repair damage" and "tick tock tick tock" + "with their fates now sealed in copper, just like clockwork" bc timeloop/time in general. shes just stuck to follow the script and stuff (fates sealed in copper)

2nd lyrics part is creation of the library then ruina angela

"but when the engine's cold" could be like angela becoming desensitized to everything or her being trusted kinda?? like shes just not seen as a danger with the engine referring to well. dangerousness (idk much about the later like story stuff so idk how trusted she is from days like 40-50 but i assume shes trusted by people/the sephirot/etc).

"embers will fly away" could be like the glowing pages in ruina :P

"cide is born within the forge" could both refer to the downfall of l corp and all the killing in ruina, or a like. metaphorical killing. like killing love or something (like the desensitization to everything through the timeloop thing, killing a part of herself [hey that fits the 2nd definition. nice])

"pendulum stops, hours, minutes, angels of death" 'pendulum stops' for the timeloop thing ending, 'hours, minutes' for angelas slowed perception of time, 'angels of death' bc iirc angela is called the librarian of death/pale librarian. also angel for angela and burrowing heaven AND being an attempt at making carmen kinda. its sorta like death and becoming an angel ig??

^ "(just like clockwork, divine rework)" about the whole angel thing, this fits in too

"faulty scraps left to the sidelines, never given room to glisten" ayin just. hated her and ignored her and all that stuff. also timeloop, also angelas revenge on ayin ('left to the sidelines, never given room to glisten' with glisten referring to the revenge or like. maaaybe doing something impactful? idk)

---

didnt mean for this to be this long lmao but woo yeah analysis :thumbsup: i dont wanna go get the emoji. also little --- things for formatting/separation/etc etc.

oh and one last thing some of the lyrics give me dakota vibes bc my brain simply has a dakota sleeper agent ig. her wearing the pink ego + anything she says about wars/battles/etc ever never left my head ("this war never ends... always starts over and over again" HIIIIIIIII)

#thanks for the ask! -nameless (newly formed alter he just. has no name yet lol. i call him purple sweater guy -dakota)#this really just. did get long like wow #i should do this more ive always like. wanted to do analysis stuff #guess i just didnt know how. and then i did #lmao #there may be typos like somewhere but i dont wanna reread and check #probably fixed them as i went tho so it should be fine

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cleaduvalls · 5 years

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i watched all 20 episodes of "spy kids: mission critical" twice in about a week and here are my thoughts (pt 1/5)

these will be divided into 4 episodes per post so they stay about the same length as one spy kids movie

1.1

no theme song. :/

wow specific location

wow. we love lying to our spouses

greg actually kind of sounds like greg??? like ingrids not right in the slightest but greg sounds like greg

oh yeah i call him greg instead of gregorio bc thats Too Many Syllables

i dunno id rather go on an adventure

oh!!!!! ingrids hair!!!!! cute

they look like friggin iron knuckles from cadence of hyrule

how do you..... classify a move

also why would they teach agents to counter a move that they also taught the agents

dont you mean SWAT

is that tom kenny?????

thats not carmen. i dont care WHAT you say. thats not carmen

shes 14???

since when can he build???

since when do they LIVE at the oss?????

thats a ball. not a blob

oh mood

juni your voice is so squeaky

Every Villain Is Lemons

is this a separate universe????? we already know about the third brain program. and you cant claim that people havent seen the movies cuz theyre ALSO on netflix

the experiment wasnt FUTILE it actually went really well. yall are just cowards

you can destroy gold???? like its not DIAMOND

did golden brain go through childhood??? or did he just.... spawn as an adult????

alliteration

take a wild guess carmen

why are you wearing jeans in the DESERT????

"sis"??? who says that

oh boy fart jokes already

little brothers, cuz youre younger, were related, and youre boys

did you mutate the agents too?????

oh i feel you juni

oh boy butt jokes

carmen youre 14. where im from you COULD have a job at certain places

is he... gonna kill them?????

oh!!!! the mimicking is back!!!

theres no way you had taco butte in the last 5 minutes

teenagers?????? the franchise is spy KIDS get it right

there SHOULD be, yall are licensed spy kids

roll credits

juni stop trying to be a lone wolf it never works youve seen all 4 spy kids

i want to be her

are you.... knighted?????? or are you just british

hes like 11 what do you expect from him

ahavschaj acemate

carmens FACE she looks HIGH

finger guns???? hes bi

THUMB THUMB!!!!!!!

TOM thumb thumb!!!!!!

F L O O P!!!!!!!!!

nvm i want to be HER

im sorry how the H*CK did you just say fegan???????????

piercings!!!!!

and i OOP-

aztec???? bc the aztec death spiral??? nice

maybe im a little biased bc floop but shes my favorite

why are the parents here

who calls it a cuddle bear?????? its a teddy bear what are yall on

oh i love carmens socks

i gotta say im living for goldies aesthetic

haha coward

to be fair hes from the outback, they have friggin emus. those things are creepy

:0 sneaky

nice timing

1.2

wow ig there really is no theme song :(

how can he sleep with a TEACUP

i think at some point youd just... fall asleep????

wow big flex

and i OOP-

scorpions so mean i love her

for like 3 seconds that animation looked like a friggin barbie movie

i thought thumb thumbs couldnt hold things???? like thats their whole point

did she hang up on them?????

when your mom said she wouldnt get mad if you tell the truth so you tell the truth and she still gets mad

K A N Y E?????????

oh no they all have died

drowning a chainsaw????????

PLENTY OF PEOPLE

my parents whenever im tired

did you not hear her name shes clearly immortal

stop yelling

at that point he shoudknt have even been able to drink the milk

why are the spotlights on carmen

*2 hours later*

dont put the phone on the desk????? have you not have a teacher give you detention for that????? i have

i think its pretty obvious what he was dreaming about

in the subtitles the u has the dots but hes not pronouncing it right. it should be more "keurp-ka-kay", not just "coop-ka-kay"

everyone has weird dreams????? step off ace

class lasted for 5 minutes wtf

do the three of them share a phone???? thats what it says in her contacts

ok visage thats a little too far

i hate this dude so much

visage shes allowed to be on her phone shes not in class

psi???? like earthbound????

😔

theyre not wrong

STOP YELLING

thats?? not possible?????? youre just weak

why are you saying that out loud

dude stop im dying of second hand embarrassment

wait the sign with the transcribed words doesnt have the ü. so how he pronounced it WAS right they just messed up the subtitles

i thought there was only ONE of its kind why do they EACH have one?????

why did so many people lose????? it seems pretty straightforward

also i love her ringtone

is that tom kenny again??????

thats.... not how it works

he should not have made that

so the big reveal is that it was his mom, but how does he know shes a cortez now?????? she was avellan at that point

take a wild guess

spurious??????? why are you using his first name

i dont???? think you can????????

1.3

the beats pretty good, im tapping my feet

i love his voice

thats not disco thats TECHNO

actually discos probably right. hes german and in germany clubs are called diskos. the music hes playing is pretty clubby, therefore it would be disco

she has spotify premium???? nice

ooooh scorpion has bed curtains!!!!

why do both cortezes have the floor bed???

how can juni hear aces music???? did his headphones get unplugged????? is it just super loud?????

sounds more like kids music than folk music

HOLY CRAP HES LISTENING TO THE WIGGLES (no offense to the wiggles)

yes hes a heavy sleeper we discussed this last time

he has a bazooka you might wanna run

"carmen is not here" me too carmen, me too

glitch chill

oh yay piss jokes

how does so much stuff come out on the floss

she was asleep???????? take it easy glitch

creative name

also the music sounds like it came right out of cadence of hyrule??????? which could be possible bc the girl who voices glitch also voiced link

glitch its clearly a virus

carmen you can go, psi can handle this

hes so protective of his records im dying

BAHAHA she said "worm?" and ofc my dumb ass thought she meant worm as in "oh worm?"

1.4

i had a whole bunch but tumbr decided to delete it and i dont wanna rewrite it so we missed the last 4 minutes of 1.3 and the first 8 of 1.4, sorryyy

it doesnt matter anyway no ones gonna read this

this whole point system was in the fourth movie, get some new plot points

is that really a good idea carmen???

throwback to when i was a kid and wanted to learn australian

oh no they died

JUNI NO YOU SAID IN THE THIRD MOVIE TO N E V E R SPLIT UP

sheilas a great name shut up

listen i see mirages all the time in the summer but how do you see a fake building???? its always a puddle of water

yeah the outback STEAKHOUSE

you sound like youre on crack

oh no he died

one time i ate a bug bc i thought it was some leftover dorito i had stuck in my teeth

hes pretty good at shelters, did you not see the second spy kids???

hey he calles him juni!!!

s n e a k y

what even is heat rash?????

STOP YELLING

nice STEALTH you tell him he has nice STEALTH

#spy kids #spy kids mission critical #mission critical #spy kids spoilers #spoilers #juni cortez #carmen cortez #fegan floop

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