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warwaged-moved · 3 years

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Although canon timeline gets confusing, likely because they didn’t think it through decided to retcon things later, I don’t disregard Beyond the Dark Portal but I have a different take on how things go, especially when it comes to A.lleria’s relationship with Tu.ralyon. So, taking it into account, here’s my take on how things happened (spoilers: it doesn’t include A.lleria calling Tu.ralyon my love half a second after they’ve talked to each other and made peace, sorry not sorry @Beyond the Dark Portal):

A.lleria and Tura.lyon met when fighting in the Second War. Before that, she did not have contact with many humans, and if she didn’t necessarily look down on them, A.lleria didn’t really see them as equals either (their senses are not as sharp as the elves’, their lives are way too short, and they are still quite arrogant in spite of that, in her eyes). It isn’t until the war that she has a chance to get to know them better, and fighting beside the humans definitely changes her views on them.

Tura.lyon, specifically, does not mean much to her in the beginning. He’s obviously smitten with her, and she finds it way too amusing to waste the opportunities to tease him — but in the beginning this is all her actions are: amusement. She never seriously leads him on, and he’s quite aware she’s entertained by his reaction to her. But as time passes they genuinely become closer. A.lleria learns to respect him after fighting with him and following his leadership, and then her actions around him are not as much jokes as they were before.

She’s interested, but she isn’t in love. It is infatuation at most, she thinks, and it’ll pass soon enough (it isn’t as if she considers a serious relationship with him either: he’s a human still, his entire life until adulthood is only a fraction of her own and she’s bound to outlive him). In truth her feelings go a little deeper than she’s willing to believe they go, but it isn’t some deep, endless love. She’s falling for him, but on her part it is slow, and she makes it slower still with all the resistance against it she creates.

When they learn the Horde will target Quel.Thalas, A.lleria is immediately on edge (she grows restless, impulsively wants to run to her home ahead of the army, questions every single decision he makes just because). She’s worried about her home, her people, and the people she loves that are there and don’t know what’s coming for them. Arriving there afterwards and fighting to drive them back and still having to watch their forests burn wounded her very deeply, even more because of her previous concern. And then she learns most of her family died, including her little brother, and it breaks her in a way A.lleria hadn’t yet been broken.

She doesn’t love Tura.lyon when she goes to him. The logic is flimsy, and only really logical to her because of the state of absolute emotional wreck she’s in. She doesn’t want to be vulnerable in front of people she knows and loves and who look up to her, though, and she came to like and trust him well enough that she seeks him instead. It isn’t a well thought out thing – she’s barely thinking at all – but it feels like a good enough idea at the time: this way her sisters won’t see her breaking, because she has to be strong for them, and she won’t burden friends who have lost people themselves, and she won’t be vulnerable in front of those who look up to her as a leader.

It (obviously) wasn’t a good idea. It is something she’ll regret immediately afterwards. A.lleria would feel guilty she had used him to try to forget her hurt, because he obviously cares for her and she does not feel the same, at least not as intensely. There is no future for them, she thinks, and what she did would give him hopes of something that couldn’t be. Beyond that, she’s still hurting; she’ll continue to hurt for a long time, unable to process her grief, unable to let go and heal. As soon as it is over and he is asleep, she leaves. Afterwards, A.lleria is cold towards him purposefully, so he will know it was just one night, so he won’t think it is more than it is. Tura.lyon doesn’t take well to it, but A.lleria thinks it’s best that way. Let him live his short human life with someone who can love him better than she can. Besides, it isn’t as if he understands; he doesn’t like the path she’s taking and she cannot meet his criticism with anything other than anger.

A.lleria isn’t concerned with love, by then and after that. All she wants is revenge. For everything, for all the family she lost, but especially for her brother. Even after the war is over, she doesn’t stop hunting the orcs, and she revels in their pain. She wants each and every orc dead, but a thousand kills do not lessen her thirst for revenge, neither do they fill the emptiness within her. They do not make her feel less guilty for being alive while Lirath is dead. She won’t let go of anger and hatred for years still. And in the meanwhile between the night she regrets and the future in which vengeance is not her utmost priority, A.lleria finds herself pregnant.

It is kind of (very) despairing at first. Most of her family died, and she’s in a very dark place mentally and emotionally. She feels the need to keep it together for those around her, but she’s falling apart. She came to regret the one night in which her child was conceived, and it isn’t like she can exactly count on someone she pushed away to care for a child now. Besides, it is said the High Elves didn’t look favorably towards half-elven children, which is one more reason to be concerned for her unborn child. A.lleria doesn’t seek support of anyone else; she hesitates in even telling people close to her about it.

But she’s decided to have her child and to keep the baby with her regardless. Eventually she’d have to speak; but before it would be noticeable, she’d let at least Sylv.anas and Ve.reesa know (maybe some of her closest friends, but even that is uncertain; she might also have panicked and told Hal.duron at some point before even telling her sisters...). So A.rator is born in Quel.Thalas, and no matter what she feels towards his father, she loves her son from the beginning. And I think much of her love for A.rator, and how deep and important to A.lleria it is, comes from the place she was in at the time of his birth. To her, he was a flicker of love and hope in a world that was seemingly all devoid of it; and the fact he may suffer some prejudice amidst her people only made her more determined to give him love that would make up for it.

Contacting Tura.lyon to even let him know never crosses her mind as a serious option. She would have thought of it at times, especially when his letters arrived, as he explicitly mentions having written to her and never gotten any answer, but she would be angry at herself for even considering it. If someone said she should (I believe someone might have), A.lleria would cut them short. She doesn’t need him, he cannot help; A.rator is her son, and they’ll be fine just the two of them.

Except they won’t, because even though she’s wholeheartedly dedicated and entirely loving towards him, she’s also consumed with vengeance and hatred for what happened to Lir.ath. A.rator would give her happiness she wouldn’t have felt ever since the war, but immediately afterwards even the faintest glimmer of happiness, she’d feel immense guilt (how can she be alive, happy, laughing, after having failed her home, after failing to prevent Lir.ath’s death? her brother would never get to laugh again, he would never father his own children; why should she have all of this, when he would not?).

It would become a cycle, and it definitely pushed her away further: happiness makes her feel guilty, guilt makes her dive headfirst in battle and revenge. She makes herself believe that A.rator would be better without her, but cannot find it in herself to tell Tura.lyon about their son and leave A.rator with him. It is part of why she’s so eager to go beyond the dark portal, too: she wants vengeance, and to protect the things she loves, and to die fighting, to die in a way that can at least leave her sisters proud, to die and leave her son to be raised by those who could do it better than she ever could.

Is it immensely hard to just pretend nothing ever happened once she’s forced to interact with Tura.lyon again, especially considering she is well aware their one night resulted in the most precious baby boy in Azeroth and beyond? Yes, but their antagonism towards each other helps; anger does not leave much room for her to feel guilty for not letting him know of anything. Of course, once they are together again, and once she acknowledges her feelings for him go well beyond just infatuation, she knows the conversation has to happen — and it is only then that she tells him of A.rator. It is quite a mess that they made, so reconciliation isn’t by any means easy, and A.lleria is never one to just give herself completely and without wariness. To her, opening up to him again is a slow process; and if physical contact comes earlier and easier than verbal declarations, even that would be slow. She doesn’t shy away from him, maybe even seeks him at times, but more often than not, A.lleria would more likely wait for him to seek contact than initiate it herself —- and it would definitely take a long while for her to reciprocate I love yous.

#I forgot to bring this to the new blog but #here is a slightly updated version #because it's an important headcanon #especially when I keep asking for a tura.lyon but have a very specific idea of how their relationship developed #between tod and btdp and how arator fits with all of that #but honestly #this is still what makes the most sense with the fact they don't acknowledge ara.tor in btdp and he couldn't have been born later #‣ out of character { the mun } — ❝ THAT GLOOMY GIRL WHO SIGHS A LOT. ❞#‣ muse { alleria windrunner } — ❝ VOIDFORGED. ❞#‣ character study { alleria windrunner } — ❝ WILD AND WARM LIKE SUMMER. ❞#‣ dynamics { alleria windrunner & turalyon } — ❝ DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN. ❞#‣ dynamics { alleria windrunner & arator windrunner } — ❝ SUNSHINE ON HER DARKEST DAYS. ❞

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warwaged-archive · 4 years

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Alleria had always been good at pushing aside unwanted feelings.

It wasn’t comfortable, no, but easy enough to do while moving forward towards she who had been her tormentor for so long. Leave her dead; leave her buried in rubble never to be found again. It is what she deserves. What leaves her lips is much more softspoken, heart poured out in spite of her hesitance to do so; there is no word against the Light Mother, no offered offense regardless of how many come to mind. No sense of retribution to see her shattered, no gloating, no satisfaction; but there is fear, and there is vulnerability, and there is the silent begging for him to see her reason, to see her side, to see her pain.

And what then? I was locked in a cell for delving into the Void against her wishes. Will she make me a prisoner again? Or worse?

He would have tried to soothe her at the very least, in the past. This time there is no offered comfort; there is nothing but nearly disinterested certainty that surely it shall be fine, surely Xe’Ra would see the reason, surely she would do Alleria no harm.

But she has already done. Alleria has the scars to prove it.

Hurt that hits her then is not of so visible sort; only in her heart, after all, and that she can hide easily enough. Not comfortable, but easy. She knew Turalyon trusted her; she knew the Army of the Light fought for the future the prime naaru had foreseen. They think it is the only way to save the universe from the Legion, of course bringing her back is important. Somewhere deep down, she can almost hear the echoes of disagreement.

(Weren’t you important for him? Didn’t he care? You gave your heart and body and soul in a way so complete and honest and whole, in a way you never had before; you gave yourself to the wrong person. He doesn’t care. You abandoned the Light, and he no longer cares. He cannot love someone who dwells in the Shadows. But he can love a being of Light even if it is a tyrant, even if it is a torturer.)

They are not loud enough she cannot silence them. The bleeding is not severe enough she cannot ignore it.

Alleria underestimates how hard it would be to see Xe’Ra again.

Indeed, apprehension gripped at her heart at the mere suggestion of restoring the Light Mother, but she had since steeled herself to the inevitability of it; or so she thought. The Windrunner had never been the submissive sort, never one to be forcibly controlled; one who valued her freedom too much to ever submit to chains, never had, not other than those that would lead her to Azeroth again. Alleria could have escaped, even if she could not have fought; could have returned to the Void, to her displeased teacher, could even have wandered the Twisting Nether again until she found path to Azeroth by herself — but the Xenedar was where she had to be, reliable path to the future she had seen that Light and Void were both blind to. The future where they won.

It wasn’t enough to make her fond of her cage, but it was enough to make it tolerable.

The bars were made of Light, as pure and bright as the Light that composed Xe’Ra herself. Alleria could not touch them, of course; a way to guarantee she could not reach beyond it, to make her as little threat as possible. More often than not, she had been left alone to reconsider her path and forsake the Shadows; not always. Sometimes the Light Mother would reach to her in sickeningly sweet tone, elated in listing all that she would lose forever were she to stay with the shadows, before offering her a path to the Light once more. Unbeknownst to Xe’Ra, perhaps, those were the days she got to Alleria the most, heart tight at the idea of losing her sisters, her homeland, her lover, her son. Yet it was for them, too, she chose the path she walked; and it was holding on to this knowledge that Alleria kept herself calm enough not to give away any reaction, nothing but constant denial.

Other times, it was Light forced on her physically, or the attempt to. She remembered thinking of Lothraxion, of Fel being cleansed by Light, of how much it must have hurt for the Nathrezim; she remembered thinking Xe’Ra underestimated the Shadows and Alleria’s own will both, if she believed to cleanse her as easily as Fel. The Void would not surrender one who had so willingly given herself to it; and whenever she was at her limit, Alleria saw Xe’Ra give up, made aware the mortal would break before bending, and knowing she needed her alive for the future she had seen to come into being.

Well, at least until she decided Alleria needed another push, a more direct interference from the Light to set her once more on the right path.

Seeing her may have brought memory of such instances to her mind, but it does not make Alleria fear. She finds it hard to fear, then, in spite of being haunted by it not long ago. Seeing Xe’Ra again makes her rage. A quiet, contained sort of rage, to be sure, but one that burns intensely, one that she had not felt so strongly in so many years. Had she the power to destroy the Prime Naaru, Xe’Ra would be in pieces again already. The thought comes with a certainty that does not let her deny its truth even to herself; Alleria doesn’t try to. She does not shun the anger, either; it is justified, and she has kept it long enough. Let it be felt. Let it bleed out if it must. There has been silence and submission for too long.

If anxiety or anger occupy her, neither finds reciprocation in the dreaded Light Mother. Xe’Ra does not care, she realizes; and there is no shock in this, not truly, not for her who knows the naaru to only have cared for her perfect vision of the future for years, but to see it extended to Turalyon as well is new and unexpected — as is his loyalty to her, so blatantly offered, so unblemished. He kneels as if faced by most sacred being, and it is the truth of it, Alleria realizes, the truth of it in his eyes at least. There is adoration in his gaze, devotion in his voice, relief to see Xe’Ra restored.

It is enough to subdue the flames of her resent, ice cold aching in her heart substituting it. It is neither comfortable nor easy, then, to push aside unwanted feelings. It is hard, and it hurts; oh, if baring her feelings to be met with disregard had been bruising as being punched in the gut, this hurts as being trespassed by blade instead. Part of her wants to cry out betrayal, that he would so devote himself to this thing who had tried to rob her of choice, who did rob her of freedom, who hurt her as it saw fit and branded her wrong for having a mind of her own. Part of her thinks the betrayer to have been herself, venturing in the Shadow out of own volition. It hurts all the same. Duty she could understand; this wasn’t it. This was care and concern Turalyon had not shown to her, even when he had last seen her behind bars made of pure Light; it was commitment he had not shown her when she spoke of her worry and hesitated to aid one who had only done her harm.

Keeping herself impassive is stilling breath with same focus she had been taught once, so many years ago, when learning to tread amidst Eversong trees quiet as a shadow. It is clenching teeth and digging her nails in the flesh of her palm so strongly it hurts, but it is a welcome hurt, grounding, simple enough to deal with. It is forcing herself not to feel, impossible as it is — making herself ignore it, as if that was someone else’s lover, someone she did not know.

Did she know him at all, as it was?

Alleria had always been good at pushing aside unwanted feelings, and she succeeds, even when it is arduous effort. All eyes remain on the naaru, on the demon hunter that steps up to speak to it; all eyes, even her own. She feels what will happen before she processes it; heartbeat racing and body taut as a bowstring ready to snap. True understanding only comes to her, clear as crystal, when Illidan refuses Xe’Ra. She knows, and how could she not? It is watching her tale reenacted with different characters. It is seeing yet another fall prey to a monster who cloaks herself in good intentions, who makes use of righteousness to blind others on her tyranny.

She isn’t sure she can stomach to see it, yet green eyes do not dare look away, barely even blink. It is only when Illidan forcefully frees himself of binding light that Alleria releases breath she hadn’t realize she had been holding, a quiet gasp made soundless by deafening noise; only then gaze is forcefully torn away, the coalescing forces much too blinding to withstand.

There is barely a moment of quiet, briefest second in which she can feel how deeply Illidan’s words resounds with her, how deeply she feels it, from life that was not Xe’Ra’s to take to destiny that is his own, just as hers was, is, will always be. The moment ends too soon. All too quickly, it is brought to an end by a different voice loudly asserting his rage over Illidan’s actions, more vicious and angry and passionate than she remembered seeing in a long time.

When had he last acted like that? The rage upon seeing Lothar fall, perhaps. Turalyon had never been prone to outbursts of anger, seldom allowing himself to act on rage or resent. Lothar… Lothar had been his mentor, closer than even just his commander. There was connection between them, it is secret to no one; a bond, truly. And if any had been deserving of it, Anduin Lothar most certainly had; yet even drawing out such comparison thinking similar feelings would be attached to Xe’Ra sickens her (breaks her heart).

Breaks her further. Both relief and cathartic sense of justice done, found in seeing one pushed into a situation so similar to what Alleria herself had lived through destroy her tormentor, fade all too soon; feelings she had not even had the time to fully feel, truly, barely acknowledged at all amidst surprise and shock and rush of each turn of events. It is too much, too sudden, and amidst the overwhelming sea of feelings she experiences, she does not even know what is it she feels.

And then and there, for the first time in so long she does not remember when it happened last, Alleria feels like falling apart.

She doesn’t. Many years of shutting feelings tight within, burying them within own chest until they cannot hurt (until they hurt all the same, just as deep, just as truly, but all of it is securely beneath the skin) do not fail her then. Alleria barely acknowledges what happens, if focus is entirely on the scene before her; the words are lost in the haze, but she can see Turalyon’s sword (Lothar’s), half metal and half Light, and although she cannot see the wound, she can see Fel blood dripping to the floor, clawed hand holding sword in place even as it carves his flesh. Something Illidan says must have gotten to him, for eventually Turalyon withdraws, and eventually the demon hunter is left to brood in a corner, and eventually the paladin returns to the bridge, perhaps unsure how to go on about his duties then.

They have not been able to touch for many years now, but it is the first time Alleria is glad of it.

Even standing close to him feels like too much; but the mask does not slip, and neither him nor Vereesa nor Arator, not a single person in the multitude of faces within the Vindicaar, seems concerned when she offers some poor excuse of something to do, steps taking her away (away, away, even if she does not know where), aimless until she finds what she was looking for without conscious thought: a distant corner, empty and lonely and dark. Like she is. Where she belongs.

No strength is enough to keep herself together then.

The tears are quiet, if only because she does not dare making noise and drawing attention to herself — it’s not what she wants. Alleria does not resent that none of them noticed her distress; she has never been comfortable with exposing such feelings to others (lie; she had been comfortable enough once, with him, and the thought only causes her to cry more). If the sounds do not escape her, body still shakes with the soundless sobs, heartfelt, hurting, broken.

Xe’Ra is dead! Xe’Ra is dead. Gone, truly and completely this time. Why is it not enough? Why does it still hurt, even when she knows she is glad the Light Mother will never harm her or anyone else in attempt to force her will on them? Why does it hurt, when loathed dreading she had felt upon realizing what Illidan was going to suffer had turned to overwhelming relief, honest joy even, to see such fate averted and Xe’Ra dealt with? Why does it hurt regardless?

(How long have you been silent? How much have you ignored, set aside, pretended not to see? And now that she’s dead, what? Now you pretend and ignore and set aside and stay silent forever, because Xe’Ra is dead and it doesn’t matter anymore.)

Whatever she had suffered, it does not matter; not anymore. Her pain does not matter; this is as much justice as she will ever receive.

Her pain does not matter. And thoughts return to Turalyon, then, Turalyon who had once gone through lengths she expected none to go in order to help her; to offer her a hand she refused time and again, to do whatever he needed do to allow her to heal. Turalyon who shrugged off her concerns in favor of believing in Xe’Ra’s goodwill. Turalyon who knelt in front of Xe’Ra, who offered her respect and adoration he had not spared his so called wife. Turalyon who so eagerly threw himself at Xe’Ra’s killer, in blind rage that was not stopped by the logical thought he could not defeat Illidan, not truly, not when his own power would not have been enough to defeat the Prime Naaru.

Alleria had never resented the lack of further action when she was imprisoned. Turalyon stood with her then, between herself and Xe’Ra even, when he pleaded for her life. It was all she could have asked for; neither of them could defeat her, much less the entire Army of the Light. Alleria never meant to make them enemies, either. It was her path home, to accept Xe’Ra’s sentence; it was how she would reach Azeroth again (how she would see Arator again) — and Turalyon had done what he could. Had done enough.

Had done so much as he was willing to do, she thought now. He could have acted then how he acted now, could have known it was an impossible victory but raised his sword all the same. His lack of action was not because he knew it would be futile; he hadn’t done more because he hadn’t cared enough to do it.

He surely seemed to have a tremendous amount of care for the thing that kept her captive, however.

Arms wrap around her knees, attempt to make herself quieter, to give herself comfort (no; to make herself smaller, perhaps, as if she continued to shrink in her shadowy corner, she might disappear completely). It wouldn’t matter, would it? Arator had an aunt who would always be better mother figure than she could hope to be. He and Vereesa and Sylvanas had all believed her gone for so long; they didn’t need her (Sylvanas is the name that gives her pause; she hadn’t had the chance to meet her, hadn’t seen her in so long… but perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps it would be easier if she had not met any of them at all. At the very least, Sylvanas could be spared the disappointment.)

The Locus-Walker had taught her the Void would play her feelings to their purpose, and it never fails to prove true; her shadow companions, voices without bodies, whisper to fan the flames of her resent, to deepen her sorrow, to offer her comfort. It is barely effective at all; she is drowning in feelings all her own, sinking each time she briefly thinks she might swim again.

There is but one certainty for her, then and there; she does belong to the shadows, in the shadows, irreversibly, irrevocably. It is in the silent darkness she finds as much solace as she could find anywhere; and the cold nothingness of the Void does not feel like such terrible option after all.

#* muse: alleria windrunner / VOID TOUCHED.#* in character: alleria windrunner / A SUN NO LONGER.#* character study: alleria windrunner / WILD AND WARM LIKE SUMMER.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & turalyon / DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN.#xe'ra tag tbd.#I tag as if I'd ever bother giving her an actual tag lol #long post cw

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warwaged-moved · 3 years

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Contrary to popular belief, a.rator’s name was chosen as homage to an.duin lo.thar, last of the arathi, and not because of the land itself (which was called arathor). There’s a significance to it either way, and a.lleria was aware of it when choosing, but what prompted her choice wasn’t that arathor was the first human nation to establish a bond with elves, and rather that lo.thar was someone she and tu.ralyon both admired. even if she didn’t initially want him in her life, he’s still ara.tor’s father, and that isn’t something she’d ignore entirely.

there are many people she could have named her son after that meant more to her than loth.ar tbh, for all the admiration she has. I feel that even at her most unreasonable, that was still a form of compromise in regards to tu.ralyon and not erasing him from ar.ator’s life

if she had stayed instead of going to draenor, she would not deny arator of knowing who his father is. tbf, in an au like that, if tur.alyon didn’t get lost in the twisting nether I feel like? she might go back on the not letting him even know about ar.ator when their son was still young. doesn’t mean she’d change her stance on the fact 1. they’re fine without him 2. ar.ator stays in quel.thalas with her

#‣ muse { alleria windrunner } — ❝ VOIDFORGED. ❞#‣ dynamics { alleria windrunner & arator windrunner } — ❝ SUNSHINE ON HER DARKEST DAYS. ❞#‣ dynamics { alleria windrunner & turalyon } — ❝ DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN. ❞#'al.leria stayed on azeroth' au lives in my head #in part because I think staying with ara.tor is what she deserved

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warwaged-archive · 4 years

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lireesa is the more stern parent.

because she was the ranger-general, she was usually busy; she always did try to make time for her family, but I think this may have ended up with things like ‘come, we’re going on a mission’ ‘you know this doesn’t count as family time right’

lireesa taught alleria how to shoot

lireesa probably had a hand in teaching all of them to shoot tbh, but after alleria, siblings would always be involved too like – alleria helped sylvanas, the two of them helped vereesa, and lirath was learning more with his sisters than with his mom.

they were also probably considerably baby when learning to shoot so. tiny windrunners with bows. Someone probably says it’s a bad idea bc they’re still small, to which lireesa is probably like ‘I’m sorry are you trying to tell ME how to raise MY children who I gave birth to’

she was rather conservative and in favor of following tradition, and never expected it would be broken; so when alleria refuses the mantle of ranger-general when she offers to step down, it was, uh, not fun times in windrunner spire

I feel like lireesa would have gotten along better with sylvanas and vereesa; sylvanas because I see them as being more similar in temperament/personality, and vereesa because vereesa was the youngest, and the baby of the family for a long time until lirath was born. that’s not to say she had favorites (if she did, I think she’d never have shown it and each person would probably guess someone different, bc she was good at acting like she had no favorites).

in regard to looks, alleria is the one that looks more like her mom. they’re not incredibly alike, but there is enough resemblance someone who met lireesa would look at alleria and be able to tell she’s her daughter. lirath, considering he’s said to look like alleria, probably looks a lot like their mom too.

their father’s name was helios, and he was a warrior rather than a ranger

he was also a noble, although from a family of minor importance (his last name was dawnstriker, and he set it aside in favor of windrunner when marrying lireesa; part of it was because the windrunners are one of the families of most prestige in quel’thalas, part was because he just wanted to take her last name instead of it being the other way around).

helios would step in to prevent bad fights when lireesa and alleria clashed. probably worked on trying to make both of them more willing to compromise, and tried to get them to make amends when they fought

they? probably? didn’t teach? their children? it’s okay to feel things and demonstrate feelings and talk about them. or how to deal with the bad feelings, specially grief and anger. considering how their children turned out aksdjnakdf

alleria, sylvanas and vereesa are close in age because lireesa and helios decided it was better like that; easier to take time to take care of their children one time than do it three very separate times. it probably also means they had to deal with teen alleria, preteen sylvanas and child vereesa all at once and I pity them.

lirath came much later because he was an opsie baby aksdjnfkj

lireesa always tried very hard to separate family from her job, so she wasn’t partial to any of her children when they became rangers. in fact, she was even more strict when it came to them than she’d be towards the other farstriders.

alleria most of all was subject to this, because of her status as next in line to become ranger-general, but sylvanas also dealt with more of that strictness than vereesa

alleria and lireesa probably clashed a lot due to that — because lireesa would be even more strict with her, but alleria does not submit to orders she doesn’t agree with, not even those of her mother and ranger-general, to which lireesa wouldn’t take well at all in turn.

they did love each other, but lireesa intended to raise her and prepare her to be a great ranger-general one day and alleria had no desire to be ranger-general at all. they had that good old conflict regarding tradition too, because lireesa was very much in favor of upholding it while alleria didn’t care to do things in a certain way just because it’s how it was done.

which is why alleria feels guilty for not having taken the mantle when her mother died — and why she wouldn’t have passed it on to anyone other than sylvanas, who is the one she feels would honor the mantle and make their mother proud in a way alleria herself never would

this on top of sylvanas already being next in line for it ofc

their conflicts aren’t always open fighting. alleria did try her best to carry the weight of her family’s name and her position but she struggled with the more diplomatic aspects of it and she certainly didn’t see herself as a good enough leader. so even though she tried (mostly, for a while), it would take a toll on her to even have to try because it is a burden she doesn’t want to carry and it makes her feel trapped

and that damages their relationship, even if it was otherwise mostly good. she ends up being much closer to her father as a result — because she wouldn’t trust to be vulnerable in front of her mother, and she’d constantly feel pressured to meet her standards, that when they wouldn’t outright clash.

with her father, there are no such concerns.

part of the reason I think she’d try to shoulder the burden of carrying on their family legacy would be to spare her siblings. she knows they will suffer it to some extent (comes with being a windrunner), but because it is so heavy on her, alleria would want to spare the other three as much as she could.

which means she takes on more than she can deal with, and tries to deal with everything alone all the time, and just buries things within herself ——- which also means when she breaks she’s a mess because she doesn’t know how to deal with anything and at the same time can’t ask for help because she has the mindset that she has to do things on her own

lirath is considerably younger than his sisters. alleria is very protective of him, and spoiled him the most she could. he’d be the one amidst his siblings capable of reading her the best in spite of being the youngest, but alleria wouldn’t trust even him with most things because if she wants to spare all of her siblings the most she can, that’s thrice true when it comes to lirath

sylvanas is the one she’d trust the most tbh. they’re closer in age and while alleria feels protective of all her siblings to some extent, this is less true when it comes to sylvanas. they are more the kind to have each other’s backs, I think — pretty much the kind of siblings that poke at each other all the time and end up turning provocation into actual fights, but also the kind that can share secrets and vulnerabilities and would fight together and die together if it came to it.

vereesa is the least close to her. they are still close (the four of them always were), but in comparison to lirath and sylvanas, vereesa isn’t as close to alleria. alleria is also very protective of her, and I’m not sure how vereesa would see that tbh

all of this ofc before lirath and lireesa die

because her siblings meant so much to her and how close they were, she’d definitely want her children to have siblings too, if she hadn’t had arator at the worst time and also with someone she didn’t want to be with lol with a partner she intends to be for life, and in a situation where it would be suitable to have a family, she’d definitely want more than one child. when she comes back to azeroth, if her relationship with turalyon wasn’t, uh, terrible, she’d probably have wanted to have more children with him

#I was looking for this and realized I never brought those headcanons to the new blog #so I just copied everything that was in posts about alleria and her family in this post #* muse: alleria windrunner / VOID TOUCHED.#* character study: alleria windrunner / WILD AND WARM LIKE SUMMER.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & turalyon / DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & sylvanas windrunner & vereesa windrunner / THE LAST OF THE WINDRUNNERS.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & sylvanas windrunner / A SISTER IS BOTH MIRROR AND OPPOSITE.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & vereesa windrunner / COME WHAT MAY SHE IS YOUR SISTER.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & lirath windrunner / YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BRING THE LIGHT.#lireesa tag tbd.

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warwaged-archive · 4 years

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redeeming-sun said: Did Alleria ever read any of his [Turalyon’s] letters? What did they say? Are you ever going to stop hurting me?

She never read them.

When the first letter arrived, Alleria didn’t know whether she was furious at his persistence, sad for breaking his heart, or glad that he cared enough to reach out to her again even after all her attempts to push him away. She settles for anger, of course; it’s the default emotion by then, and Arator has yet to be born and dissuade some of it. Between Sylvanas’ intrigued glances and Vereesa’s curious inquiries, Alleria chose to toss it into the fire before ever opening it.

The second one took a while to arrive. He expected a reply, of course, but she never sent one; and it was only after giving up on it ever arriving that Turalyon wrote again (maybe the letter had been lost, maybe she had never received it at all; maybe she was still purposefully avoiding him, but I doubt he wanted to believe this to be the reason for it). By then, I expect she’d be well into her pregnancy, and when it arrives she feels guilty for the first time — guilty of never reading the first letter, guilty of never writing to let him know of the baby if nothing else. This letter she keeps in her hands for so long the paper starts bearing the light marks of fingertips long pressed against it.

She never opens it, though, can never bring herself to. He is human, and their lives are short, and their loves shorter; surely he will recover from his heartbreak soon enough. What use would be writing him? All it would do would be give him hopes for things she had no intention to go through with. Alleria would be fine with her baby in Quel’thalas, and he would be fine in his human kingdom, perhaps even have a family of his own. She didn’t want him near. There was no future for them anyways.

But this letter she never manages to destroy.

The ones that follow cause mixed reactions. Sometimes the sight of them makes her enraged (why won’t he give up? isn’t it clear she has no intention to write back?), sometimes they hurt her in a way she doesn’t understand (and ignores and buries because there is no room in her for hurt anymore, and she refuses to even acknowledge it at all). Sometimes the guilt comes back; one of them arrives when she has Arator in her arms, and his tiny hands tried to reach for the words a father he would not meet wrote to a mother who refused them. Sometimes she looks at them, stashed away amidst her personal things, secret even though it was no secret she had received them, never opened and never to be — and sometimes she would want to, almost do it before giving up, almost throwing them away before returning them to the same place and leaving them there, until rediscovering them by chance after forgetting they were there at all, or uncovering them to add a new one to the pile.

They never stop coming, but she stops receiving them. It is hatred that overwhelms her then, hatred for the world, for her family’s murderers, for herself. For him, too, unearned as it is. From herself most of all, and that he cares for her when she absolutely does not deserve it only further pushes her away. And hatred drives her further away from home and last of things she loves, last of people she loves, and there is no place in her life anymore for letters, even those she will never open.

She regrets not reading them once they are together again, conversations done and feelings bared and forgiveness received. She thinks she might, once they go back home, even if he says he could tell her about each letter he had ever written her. That will never come to be, of course; she would never get the chance, returning to a home long destroyed and a land who shuns her.

They are not love letters; not all of them, at least. They are as varied as her reactions to them, some offers of friendship and comfort and sympathy for the pain he knew her to be in, some a baring of his own feelings, some yet nothing more than attempt at conversation, trivial matters, something that reminded him of her like the feather he sent alongside the letter (she so enjoyed wearing them), or the sunflowers growing near the still-in-construction cathedral. He doesn’t know if she reads them, of course, having only silence meet him time and again; but he hopes she does, writes even if she doesn’t. Even as years pass, she is never far from his thoughts, always inspiring yet another letter to be written; yet another letter to be left unopened.

EXCUSE YOU YOU BREAK MY HEART ALL THE TIME THEN ASK WHEN I WILL STOP? rude

#* muse: alleria windrunner / VOID TOUCHED.#* character study: alleria windrunner / WILD AND WARM LIKE SUMMER.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & turalyon / DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN.#I guess I have alleria feels in general tbh

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warwaged-archive · 4 years

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Although canon timeline gets confusing, likely because they didn’t think it through decided to retcon things later, I decided Beyond the Dark Portal shouldn’t be disregarded entirely. So, taking it into account, here’s my take on how things happened (it doesn’t include Alleria calling Turalyon my love half a second after they’ve talked to each other and made peace, sorry not sorry @Beyond the Dark Portal):

Alleria and Turalyon met when fighting in the Second War. Prior to that, she did not have contact with many humans, and if she didn’t necessarily look down on them, Alleria didn’t really see them as equals either (their senses are not as sharp as the elves’, their lives are way too short, and they are still quite arrogant in spite of that, in her eyes). It isn’t until the war that she has a chance to get to know them better, and fighting beside the humans definitely changes her views on them.

Turalyon, specifically, does not mean much to her in the beginning. He’s obviously smitten with her, and she finds it way too amusing to waste the opportunities to tease him — but in the beginning this is all her actions are: amusement. She never seriously leads him on, and he’s quite aware she’s entertained by his reaction to her. But as time passes they genuinely become closer. Alleria learns to respect him after fighting with him and following his leadership, and then her actions around him are not as much jokes as they were before.

When they learn the Horde will target Quel’Thalas, Alleria is immediately on edge (she grows restless, impulsively wants to run to her home ahead of the army, questions every single decision he makes just because). She’s worried about her home, her people, and the people she loves that are there and don’t know what’s coming for them. Arriving there afterwards and fighting to drive them back and still having to watch their forests burn, it wounded her very deeply, even more because of her previous concern. And then she learns most of her family died, including her little brother, and it breaks her in a way Alleria hadn’t yet been broken.

She doesn’t love Turalyon when she goes to him. She doesn’t want to be vulnerable in the front of people she knows and loves and who look up to her, though, and she came to like and trust him well enough that she seeks him instead. It isn’t a well thought out thing – she’s barely thinking at all – but it feels like a good enough idea at the time: this way her sisters won’t see her breaking, because she has to be strong for them, and she won’t burden friends who have lost people themselves, and she won’t be vulnerable in front of those who look up to her as a leader.

It wasn’t a good idea. It is something she’ll regret immediately afterwards. Alleria would feel guilty she had used him to try to forget her hurt, because he obviously cares for her and she does not feel the same, at least not as intensely. There is no future for them, she thinks, and what she did would give him hopes of something that couldn’t be. Beyond that, she’s still hurting; she’ll continue to hurt for a long time, unable to process her grief, unable to let go and heal. As soon as it is over and he is asleep, she leaves. Afterwards, Alleria is cold towards him purposefully, so he will know it was just one night, so he won’t think it is more than it is. Turalyon doesn’t take well to it, but Alleria thinks it’s best that way. Let him live his short human life with someone who can love him better than she can. Besides, it isn’t as if he understands; he doesn’t like the path she’s taking and she cannot meet his criticism with anything other than anger.

Alleria isn’t concerned with love, by then. All she wants is revenge. For everything, for all the family she lost, but specially for her brother. Even after the war is over, she doesn’t stop hunting the orcs, and she revels in their pain. She wants each and every orc dead, but a thousand kills do not lessen her thirst for revenge, neither does it fill the emptiness within her, nor does it make her feel less guilty for being alive while Lirath is dead. She won’t let go of anger and hatred for years still. And in the meanwhile between the night she regrets and the future in which vengeance is not her utmost priority, Alleria finds herself pregnant.

It is kind of (very) despairing at first. Most of her family died, and she’s in a very dark place mentally and emotionally. She feels the need to keep it together for those around her, but she’s falling apart. She came to regret the one night in which her child was conceived, and it isn’t like she can exactly count on someone she pushed away to care for a child now. Besides, it is said the High Elves didn’t look favorably towards half-elven children. Alleria doesn’t seek support of anyone else; she hesitates in even telling people close to her about it.

But she’s decided to have her child and to keep the baby with her regardless. Eventually she’d have to speak; but before it would be noticeable, she’d let at least Sylvanas and Vereesa know (maybe some of her closest friends, but even that is uncertain; she might have panicked and blurted it to Halduron at some point before even telling her sisters). So Arator is born in Quel’Thalas, and no matter what she feels towards his father, she loves her son from the beginning. And I think much of her love for Arator, and how deep and important to Alleria it is, comes from the place she was in at the time of his birth. To her, he was a flicker of hope in a world that was seemingly all devoid of it; and the fact he may suffer some prejudice amidst her people only made her more determined to give him love that would make up for it.

Contacting Turalyon never crosses her mind as a serious option. She would have thought of it at times, specially when his letters arrived, but she would be angry at herself for even considering it. If someone said she should (I believe someone would have), Alleria would cut them short. She doesn’t need him, he cannot help; Arator is her son, and they’ll be fine just the two of them.

Except they won’t, because even though she’s wholeheartedly dedicated and entirely loving towards him, she’s also consumed with vengeance and hatred for what happened to Lirath. Arator would give her happiness she wouldn’t have felt ever since the war, but immediately afterwards even the faintest glimmer of happiness, she’d feel immense guilt (how can she be alive, happy, laughing, after having failed her home, after failing to prevent Lirath’s death? her brother would never get to laugh again, he would never father his own children; why should she have all of this, when he would not?).

It would become a cycle, and it definitely pushed her away further: happiness makes her feel guilty, guilt makes her dive headfirst in battle and revenge. She makes herself believe that Arator would be better without her, but cannot find it in herself to tell Turalyon about their son and leave Arator with him. It is part of why she’s so eager to go beyond the dark portal, too: she wants vengeance, and to protect the things she loves, and to die fighting, to die in a way that can at least leave her sisters proud, to die and leave her son to be raised by those who could do it better than she ever could.

Is it immensely hard to just pretend nothing ever happened once she’s forced to interact with Turalyon again, specially considering she is well aware their one night resulted in the most precious baby boy in Azeroth and beyond? Yes, but their antagonism towards each other helps; anger does not leave much room for her to feel guilty for not letting him know of anything. Of course, once they are together again, and once she acknowledges her feelings for him go well beyond just infatuation, she knows the conversation has to happen — and it is only then that she tells him of Arator. It is quite a mess that they made, so reconciliation isn’t by any means easy, and Alleria is never one to just give herself completely and without wariness. To her, opening up to him again is a slow process; and if physical contact comes earlier and easier than verbal declarations, even that is slow. She doesn’t shy away from him, maybe even seeks him at times, but more often than not, Alleria would wait for him to seek contact than the other way around —- and it would definitely take a long while for her to reciprocate I love yous.

#* muse: alleria windrunner / VOID TOUCHED.#* character study: alleria windrunner / WILD AND WARM LIKE SUMMER.#* dynamics: alleria windrunner & turalyon / DEEP BLUE BUT YOU PAINTED ME GOLDEN.

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