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definitelynotnia · 3 months

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

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djeesperate · 5 months

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Worrywart

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Word count: 2135

T/W:

Event spoilers/mentions (…And You, A Sweltering Eternal Getaway)

Not so heavy(?) mentions of Gawain feeling anxiety and Bertilak being suicidal.

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He couldn’t stop crying.

For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, the turbulent sea of emotions could not stop gushing out no matter how hard he tried to piece himself back together.

The captain had a fever, that was what everyone thought. But that fever turned into Nectar melting all over the floor and the fabric of reality tearing apart all while everyone screamed to the top of their lungs for them to wake up.

This is the norm, he told himself.

They’ve always been a lightning rod for danger… but for a fever to turn into something heinous like this?

God, Gawain’s paranoia was building up so much, that it could fill the gaps between the island that housed Feendrache, Dalmore and Wales all the way down to Pandemonium itself.

It was the norm. It had always been this way.

It’s just that Gawain wished it wasn’t. He just wanted them to go through the rest of their life with as little danger as possible.

He could relate to that Orologia, he supposed… but he’d never hurt the captain to that magnitude before. Nor will he ever want to.

Gawain’s poor heart couldn’t handle any more bad news about them, frankly speaking. He was fine the first few months with the Grandcypher crew but after a mishap (and fallen angel or two) here and there, the saviour of Dalmore developed a feeling he wasn’t familiar with.

Anxiety.

It ate him away, and he wasn’t aware of it at first… not until the captain collapsed with a fever and he heard nothing but suspicious whispers between the dragons and that blasted Eternal man named Siete. That’s when he realised it wasn’t a regular fever, and they were once again hurting in a place far beyond his reach to be of any assistance.

Gawain was human, with human capabilities. Sure, he was strong but he’d be joking if he equated his strength to someone like Sandalphon or Fediel… or Siete… even if that carefree annoyance was just as human as him (is he human?).

What can Gawain do? Nothing.

In every instance when they’re in danger, he couldn’t do anything of significance no matter how hard he tried. He would start to lose sleep during the nights when they’re not back on the ship, even though the other crewmates happily talked about the recent letters and trinkets they received from them that would indicate they’re probably well.

You were a liar, he concluded; a dangerous one at that. The kind that would tell everyone around them that everything is fine before being found dead the next day, with traces of prolonged suffering kept secret.

How does one cope with being in love with someone like that?

It was painful for him to bear this fear of losing them daily, what of their suffering? What’s going on in their mind that they’ve never told him? Would they tell him?

It hurts.

It hurts Gawain so much, he can’t get himself up from bed on some days. No one would pester him about it too, no one on the ship was particularly close to him.

So he just rots.

Rotting away in one of the storerooms, he calms his heart before he walks out to face other people. He’s slumped to the ground, leaning against the shelves as he hugs his knees and rests his head forward.

“What the hell?”

Gawain almost jumped at that voice – he wasn’t expecting anyone to enter. “Bertilak,” he tried to keep his usual composure, “What do you think you’re doing here?”

“Don’t Bertilak me, dumbass,” the brunet snapped back, “I should be asking you that. This is my sanctuary, and I ain’t sharing.” He gestures to the surroundings in the room.

“Can’t you go to your room?”

“Tch.”

“C’mon, get out.” Bertilak clapped his hands as if talking to a dog, “Ever since I hung out with those Erune brothers, they won’t stop pestering me about rizzing up a 5-meter tall bombshell so my room’s not safe. Honestly, if I can’t stand Charlotta, what makes them think I’d want 6 of her stacked up with duct tape?”

Silence.

“Oh my godddd, Bahamut to Gawain? Sir Gawaaaainnnn? Are you in there?” The brunet knocked Gawain’s head a few times before his hands were shoved away.

“Can you just!” He raised his voice before inhaling to calm down, “… just leave me be,”

Bertilak wasn’t sure what he walked into, but if the knight that protected his country was sitting in near fetal position, refusing to fight back? Something was definitely off. He decided to bite.

“Nah, don’t feel like it,” he simply responded, “But what’s up with you? On the ground all depressing like that.”

“Not in the mood.”

“Captain-related?”

“...”

“Aha! Pre-marital angst!” He rubbed his palms together with newfound interest, “What troubles in paradise are we havin’ today?”

Bertilak’s smirk cracked wider seeing the man beneath him sigh in defeat.

“It’s always those Eternals men,” He started, “Or those Society members, or dragons, or primals, or angels,” Gawain’s frustration started to seep out, “They’re always off with those crowds saving the Skies from extinction. I’m always left behind to wait until they’re back… Sometimes they disappear and don’t come back at all. They’re always so close to dying on me.”

“On you?” The younger male snorted.

“Shut it,” Gawain’s voice was stern, “you know what I mean,”

“Uh-huh…” Bertilak put his hand on his chin, posing as if he was trying to think about it, “Aren’t you like, special to the captain?”

“I doubt it.”

“They give you presents for every occasion. Every year. Without fail. You know how fat their wallet gotta be to pull that off?”

“They do that for everyone.”

“Rightttt, even Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes.”

“What the fuck, how come I never got anything?!” He whined at the discovery, “Hey, it’s requited though, right? You give them presents too?”

“Yes.”

“Huh, maybe that’s how to get on their good side. Y’know that one weird-haired guy that flirts a lot? The one with all the swords strapped to his pants without it falling – Big brother this, big brother that?”

“Siete.”

“Yeah, yeah, that guy. He brings them literally everywhere, man. It’s crazy. I think they went to Levin for the hot springs not that long ago. Always wanted to go th- ohhhhh…” Bertilak figured it out, wagging his finger smugly. “It’s cuz they all turned blue-haired recently right? Like they’re destined to be.”

Silence.

“...I had that,” he crouched to the ground to meet the knight’s pained eyes, “That was how it was when I was back home.”

More silence.

That was his queue to elaborate.

Bertilak isn’t all that great with telling people how he feels but he breathed in, clearing his mind as he gathered his words.

“In Dalmore, I was so… tiny. Doesn’t matter what I did, I never played a big role where I wanted to,” his shoulders slumped, “No matter how many bones I broke from training, no matter how much I cried myself to sleep when the day ended. I wasn’t ever a part of what made Dalmore free…” His breath shook. The boy bit his lower lip to stop it from quivering the way it did, “Everything that happened… would’ve still carried out the way it did if I never existed –

– Because Dalmore was your story. Not mine… Never mine.”

Gawain’s head lifted an inch hearing his admission.

“Made me fucking angry, when I finally met you. The hero of my dreams, lookin’ down on me.” A pathetic laugh escaped his lips as he frustratingly ran his hand through his hair, “It’s exhausting, y’know? Waking up to try your hardest, only to just feel like dying at the end of it. Then being treated like some spoiled brat on top of it all. All that effort, not even acknowledged.”

“... I didn’t know,” Gawain spoke up.

“And you wouldn’t have ever known,” He snorted.

“Are you…?”

“Yeah, I still wanna kill myself every waking hour of the day but what’s new?” Bertilak nonchalantly said as he inspected his nails, looking bored out of his mind, “How I got out of that mindset was to just… leave. After your stupid potato pullin’ lesson, I thought, ‘I’m not letting him go without me’. So instead of balling my eyes out back home till I kick the bucket, I left that shithole chasing after you.”

Bertilak now staring into Gawain’s eyes, his own burning with determination, “No matter how much you shove me away, I’m squeezing myself in your business. If Dalmore wasn’t my story, then I’ll tag along this ship glued to your ass until I find my calling.”

He softly knocked his knuckles onto Gawain’s forehead, a smirk worn on his face but it was more endearing than cocky this time, “And once I do, you’ll be part of it.”

Gawain’s eyes widened as he heard the young man’s confession, but before he could speak up, Bertilak thrust his fists further into the man’s skull.

“Augh!”

“I’m strangling you and myself if you bring this up to anyone.” Bertilak dusted his pants as he stood back up, “Orrrr maybe I’ll tell Cap'n how you’ve been feeling this entire time?”

“... Would you?”

“No,” Bertilak’s face was serious for a split second, “None of my business. Just go be by their side. If they’re leaping through different dimensions, why not follow? Who cares if you’re not familiar with the other goons around them? They probably don’t either. Travelling the skies like that… isn’t that lonely? Wouldn’t it be nice to at least have someone close by their side? Besides… you know, the red gecko and blue kid. Why’s there so many blue people? A fucking whatever-blue fantasy.”

“Besides, surely that Siete guy can’t do everything.” He huffed, “Aunty Metera said flirts like that are a temporary high. You can’t really settle down with someone like that,” He crossed his arms, “There’s not much they can confide with between lizard and Lizria either, you know. Some things you just can’t tell someone that raised you… and I’m 100% sure they hide a lot of their pain from the girl to keep her from worrying. You starting to see what I mean?”

Gawain sat there, thoughts stew in his head as he processed all that was said. Bertilak took this as a sign to lighten up the mood, “But screw all that. Aunty Korwa getting me in a dress was much more fun than dealing with my feelings. Sometimes you gotta slay to keep the sad away… or whatever Chloe says. Have you met Chloe? She did my nails once. Most mentally stable I’ve felt, to be honest,” he rambled as he took a look at his nails one more time.

“Anyway, bye. Hope your love life sorts itself out. Hope I don’t see you here again, Sho’s also pretty clingy so this place is still mine.” He turned his heels and left Gawain alone.

Kids are… something. Whatever just happened, it will take some time for Gawain to understand (what does slay mean in that context? Lizria? Why’s he acquainted with so many people already?), but one thing was certain – he didn’t feel as horrible as he was before the brat showed up.

Gawain sighed. There was truth in Bertilak’s words about their relationship with Vyrn and Lyria. The captain was always hiding, it was probably just as soul-crushing bottling it up as he has with his own feelings. Maybe it’s better to confide in each other?

That sounds like a mess…

But the thought made Gawain smile regardless.

He kicks himself off the ground and walks out of the storage room, feeling more like himself again. It was about time they came back from Sierokarte’s errands anyway. He’ll be there to help carry the boxes.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Sometime, not too long ago, word spread around the ship of Fiorito’s birthday coming soon. The girls were buzzing, hoping to make gifts that would suit their friend. A certain designer had special plans…

“What.” Bertilak deadpanned, not believing his ears.

“Please! You’re about the same body measurements as her, I can tell!” Korwa held onto his hands, pleading.

“Fuck no, are you kidding?” He swatted her hands away.

“It’s just a one-time fitting! I just need to see if the dress fits around the back.”

“I’m not wearing a dress.”

“Why not?”

“I… can’t think… of a valid excuse… Whatever, fine.” Bertilak’s head hung down, giving up his resistance, “But it better look good on me or I’ll be pissed.”

“Lucky for you, that’s my area of expertise! Come, let’s go back to my workshop.”

Bertilak learned how comfortable skirts were that day.

#gbf #gbf headcanons #granblue #granblue fantasy #gbf imagines #granblue fantasy imagines #gbf gawain #gawain gbf #granblue fantasy gawain #gbf x reader #gbf x reader imagines #gawain x reader #I have this very specific headcanon that Gawain is very jealous of Siete's proximity to MC but is completely fine with Six #I want more Bertilak content he is actually really likeable (in my head where anything can be real)#I want Bertilak to be the pouty child showered in glitter by the many aunties on the ship #I also want him to be a ball of messy emotions that's just... surviving somehow #I strive on Gawain-Bertilak bonding I love them #Fetal position Gawain

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