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spiritcc · 9 months

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EXAMINING EVERY ACE ATTORNEY CASE ON THE LIKENESS OF US BEING PAID

The topic that must be finally put to rest considering how every AA protag and money issues go hand in hand, how many cases did we actually get paid for?

PHOENIX WRIGHT: BROKE ATTORNEY

1 - literally spelled out by the game that larry left us with fuckall, a bad omen of the life to come.

2 - nothing could scare the law offices' balance sheet more than the entrance of maya, but in the frenzy of fighting for the life of our workspace we didnt even notice the whiff of the long-lasting implications.

3 - okay this is the first $u$pect that can pay our bills, no way will powers left us without a relatively phat check so GIRL WE MAKING MONEY!

4 - genuinely if edgelord somehow figured that money dont matter in a friendship, either it was my wallet that bullied him into killing himself between these games or he at least had the decency to utilise von karma's leaked pin code situation and allowed us to drain his bank account posthumously. either way my belief that edgeworth got the bill paid here is naively high.

5 - i dont care if lana was going to pay or not bc i billed her for every fucking turn she did at the detention center. either way whether her estate got arrested in the investigation or not it seems like she'd be forced to pay so im staying positive.

ACE ATTORNEY: RAMEN FOR ALL

1 - maggie. what exactly can maggie even pay me. i feel like the case was more of a friend request anyway so we're eating roaches for dinner again, but i also feel that maggie would be inclined to offer at least something. im not sure if putting down a "presumable twenty" counts as success. i'm going to go with no.

2 - maya is starting to get slightly comfortable being a liability to my expenses, this is my first warning girl.

3 - MAXIMUM GALACTIC PROFIT??? OH HE PAYIN. OH HE PAYIN EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS CLOWN ASS. CONFIRMED. FORCED.

4 - this HAS to be a case of the arrested estate being distributed towards paying the fee because i absolutely refuse to live in a world where maya's existence just keeps costing me money. engarde better have paid for it all. the gallows dont drop until he signs my check.

ACE ATTORNEY: TROUBLES AND REMUNERATION

1 - a very big question mark about what can peenie the fail art student pay and whether grossberg is someone who entertains himself a free case. the existence of case 4 may actually suggest something interesting so let's come back to this one later.

2 - i dont care what kind of crippling debt ma$k has because if his wife can allow a bike she CAN, and WILL, pay my fucking fee i dont care. she looks like the type to pay anyway.

3 - maggie. maggie, maggie, maggie. what does it matter musing on how things would've turned out differently if they had actually remembered my face in time. in either universe, this is another expense, in a crisis where my laundry bill is financially ruining me as coffee cups keep flying in my face.

4 - this is a convict already. what can a convict pay to grossberg law offices? suddenly it looks like his gig takes up on free cases bc usually this dude would get a state attorney, right? is grossberg providing such services? if we are getting paid here, it is only the bare minimum it seems, so in retrospect it IS possible for case 1 to have been completely unpaid. as for this one, marking it as unpaid bc Doubt what we'd get could even pay for a single-ply toilet paper + they'd find a way to pay out even less considering the trial technically didn't go through smh.

5 - bitchass fucking fey family, call it THE FEE FAMILY for the way NONE OF THEM ARE PAYING IT!!!! THEY PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chronologically we have edgelord's two investigation games next so:

THESE TWO GAMES FOLLOW SEVERAL CASES CONDUCTED FOR A MILLIONAIRE'S OWN ENTERTAINMENT. WE DO NOT CONDONE MONEY PRIVILEDGE BEHAVIOUR AND WE BOYCOTT THE ANALYSIS OF THESE GAMES.

MONETARY JUSTICE: ACE ATTORNEY

1 - well money was probably one thing in the whole mess there, sure. Dick Wright jailed this barbie girl motherfucker just so he wouldn't pay the bill. girl we making no money era is back.

2 - weirdly enough but god might exist after all because no way the kitakis are not paying me. we are saved!!!!!

3 - in a grand twist, there is also no way that these moneyfucks are not signing me a phat one so big bet a hot meal was had that day! i think after lamiroir regained her memories she just decided that this fee was her paying off child support for both kids and fucked off forever.

4 - boy I lost my god damn job.

5 - an interesting situation here because this case was most likely sponsored by the state since it's testing out the jury system and all so. we got paid? almost three cases in a row? WOE MAMA!

ACE ATTORNEY: DOUGH'S DESTINY

1 - not this shit again. another freeloader caught up in the scheme of my monetary ruin. at the time when a teenager is feeding a company of four. peenie's new drip alone cost us six months worth of rent. girl we eating discarded prison gruel at the dumpster in this dark age of the law.

2 - oh a wrestler AND a mayor? oho. ohohohoho. ohohohohohoho.

3 - the humble beginnings of my empty wallet, innit. sure, let her get away this time. not my first rodeo.

4 - starbuck for the love of god i know they said their budget went down but he is PAYING that bill or im cutting wires on his rocket and doing phantom a favor here. he can afford to pay me.

5 - maya sure evaded leaving her footprint on my taxes but there's such a sweet difference between an employee and an independent contractor and athena saw why. sure, free case! its cost is taken out of your salary, baby. you're not eating for four months. at least.

6 - hey the aquarium folks Surely have the dough, right? they found us themselves too so that's a definite bill here.

BROKE ATTORNEY: NO SPIRIT OF JUSTICE

every case in the russian republic of village kurainovo was free which is a devastating stain on my financial report this year, remember how durke said we probably cant afford three meals per day? hello????

1 - motherfucker. this case actually cost us about 20 brazilian roubles because albi charged us for the magatama edible. the first case that lands us in the negative twenty. incredible.

2 - i fucking. if trucy thinks her main breadwinner status excuses her from freeloading a case that almost landed us in 3m debt then im selling rights to the gramarye IP to bozo the clown. family is Nothing to me. i havent eaten properly since 2016.

3 - stop fucking reminding me. not only that but fucking MAYA. THE BIGGEST EXPENSE IN MY LIFE IS BACK WITH NO JUSTICE DONE TO MY FINANCIAL WELLBEING. i havent showered in months. remember how nick told edgeworth that he "heard" that washing in the sink is good enough in the temple? so he didnt even do that himself. the lowest point of my life.

4 - with the urgency of it all and everything i have a strong suspicion the payment of this case was soba. max of what we're getting is food from that place. im shaking does this count as fair barter economy in their eyes? we're not in ancient fucking egypt.

5 - penniless, fatherless, across two countries too. whats not to like in this world. we havent seen a cent in this entire game.

6 - THE $PROKET$???? HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Let's count the results:

31 cases across 6 games

13/31 cases most likely than not were paid for in acceptable capacity, which is less than a half. if we exclude cases where the situation isn't entirely clear (eg. engarde, lana), that is even less and we are looking at a third of all cases being remunerated for.

despite quite a few of the presumably paid cases involving rich clients, our gig most likely charges standardised fees, which makes the wealth of our clients irrelevant and simply further questions how much we actually made at the end of the day.

they are not lying, we really are making no money. this is concerning. ga'ran was right, fuck the attorneys just go and pick a state-backed position with the forces.

#ace attorney #finally something to get out of my system

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heavyhitterheaux · 4 months

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Ghost Part 4

AN: 💕

Synopsis: The two of you have finally gotten on the same page regarding Ace and Jack has shown you that he's all in when it comes to his and Ace's relationship. However, he ends up taking one step forward and a hundred steps backward when your safety is compromised

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 first

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Sitting in your car in front of your apartment building, you let out a loud sob that you had been holding in since the judge had made her decision.You were confident that she would rule in your favor, but the only thing or person on your mind rather was Ace.

He had gotten so used to seeing Jack often that you weren't quite sure how he was going to adjust to only being able to see him every other weekend. And you didn't know the first step in how to explain that to him and more than likely he probably wouldn't even understand. This was the last thing you wanted to ever happen, and you thought for sure that Jack would meet you halfway in order to do what was best for Ace, but once again his pride got in the way.

You had lost track of time and didn't know how long you were sitting in your car crying when you grabbed a tissue from your purse in order to wipe your face and make yourself look a bit more presentable. Blaire wasn't going to bring Ace back until later in the day and you still had some time to kill. It was simply decided that you would get into some comfy clothes and watch Disney plus because you figured that was probably the only thing that could somewhat lift your mood.

Before you started watching anything, you sent a simple message to the group chat since you knew that they had been waiting to hear from you.

You- I got full custody of Ace

Blaire- 👀👀👀

Nadia- As you should. What them child support payments looking like?

You- 40,000 a month

Liv- DAMN he actually got lucky. For a celebrity, I’ve heard of people paying a lot more than that.

Blaire- But how are you feeling overall?

You- Sad for Jack believe it or not

Liv- He got what was coming to him smh I don’t feel bad because he brought this on himself

Nadia- I second that

You- But now I have to tell Ace and I don’t know how he’s going to take it

Jack was in a daze driving home from the courthouse and the realization was hitting him that he didn't do anything but make things more complicated for himself. He had now driven a bigger wedge in between the two of you and knew deep down that no matter how much he apologized to you that it wouldn't be enough. He wanted to have a relationship with his son, but also wanted to have a healthy relationship with you too and at this point even getting you to talk to him was going to be a challenge.

He had gotten home and didn't realize that Clay had been following him and pulled up behind his car in the driveway. Jack sighed to himself not wanting to hear him say ‘I told you so’ again since he had a feeling that he would never let him live this down. He knows that he fucked up and doesn’t need to hear it over and over again.

Once he stepped out of the car, Clay was next to him with his hands stuffed in his pockets and simply looked at him.

“Clay, not now. Please not now.” Jack said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I'm just here for support. What just happened was a lot to take in and even though you've been treating me like shit the last few months, you're still my big brother and I still care about how you’re feeling.”

“I know and I'm sorry. I just… There isn't any excuse for the way I've been acting and treating you as if you're not important to me when you know that you are. I just want that close relationship that you have with Ace and I’m jealous of it and not afraid to admit it. You've been in his life since he was four weeks old and I can't say the same thing. Y/N is never going to forgive me now. I wish I would have talked to her when she gave me the chance.”

“That is literally all she has wanted from the very beginning. She never wanted it to get to this point and she actually low key thinks that you hate her.” Clay quietly said as they both walked into Jack’s house.

“What? I could never hate her. I don't hate her. Why would she think that? Never mind, don't answer that. I… get it.”

“And you failed to realize how this would affect Ace because he's the one that's at the center of this whole thing.”

“And now I can't even see him how I want to.”

“You now have to make it up to not only Ace but Y/N too.”

“And I don't have any idea on where to start.”

“You already know what you need to do and no one should have to tell you that. You can start by being the best father you can possibly be to Ace. This isn't rocket science, but you damn sure know how to make things more complicated. Are we sure that you’re even the older one at this point?” Clay asked while smirking and Jack gave him a small smirk in return and shrugged his shoulders.

Jack's mood had been off for the rest of the time that had passed until it was his weekend with Ace and he wanted to get himself together before you dropped him off. But he just couldn't shake this being his new reality. He knew now that he should have talked to you and simply let you explain, but his thoughts of you moving and taking Ace flooded his mind and that was the only thing that he could think of. But all in all, he just made a bigger mess.

He had sent you multiple text messages with you responding in ten words or less and it wasn’t because you were being mean or trying to spite him, you genuinely had no idea what to say to him at this point. Until you did, there was no reason for you to give him a longer response.

It was a little awkward when the person supervising the visit, Britney showed up at his house ten minutes before you were going to drop Ace off and knew that he had to prove to her and to the court that he could take care of Ace and take care of him properly. But most importantly, he wanted to prove it to you.

Once he saw your car pull up, he went outside to meet the two of you as you were helping Ace out of the back of the car. You were grabbing Ace’s backpack that had all of his toys (and told him that he could only bring three because Jack had an entire playroom in his house specifically for him) and clothes when you heard his voice.

“Hi Y/N.”

“Hi.” You responded while barely looking at him and took a deep breath before continuing to talk.

“His clothes, shoes, and toys are in here and I'll come and get him Sunday at 5.” Was all you said as you handed him Ace’s backpack and Ace was simply looking between the two of you.

“Um, okay.”

“Make sure he's ready by then for me to come and get him. Okay, Ace, give me kisses.”

You kneeled down to his height and he immediately embraced you and it seemed as if he was holding onto you as if he didn't want you to leave.

“Mommy, can you stay?” Ace asked as he pulled away from you.

“Ace, you're going to have fun with daddy and I'll see you in two days, promise.”

“And we can call mommy before you go to sleep.” Jack chimed in with an attempt to make it less awkward, but he knew that this was probably going to take a while.

“Will you sing to me when I do?” Ace asked, looking at you hopeful. Just about every single night, after the two of you read a book, you would sing him to sleep.

“Of course. Anything for my baby boy.”

—

“Daddy, you okay?” Ace asked Jack as he looked over at him and saw that he was staring off into space when they were supposed to be baking brownies. Peanut butter and chocolate, which he learned how to make from you which had now become his favorite.

“Oh, I'm fine. Now let's get this batter in the pan so we can watch a movie.” Jack answered as he ruffled Ace's curly hair that resembled his.

“Can we watch Cars!?”

“Of course we can and when our brownies are done, we have ice cream to go with them.”

“But you still look sad. Are you sad about mommy?” Hearing Ace say that made Jack's breath hitch and he simply sighed before saying anything else. To only be three almost four, Ace was incredibly smart and picked up on a lot of things that went on around him.

“You definitely notice everything, don't you?” He asked as Ace simply smiled and nodded.

“I hurt her and I don't think that she's ever going to forgive me.”

“Just say sorry. That should make it all better. Mommy has a big heart like me.”

“That she does, but I don't think that's going to be enough.”

“Well, I still think you should try.”

“Ace….”

“For me?” Ace asked while looking up at his father with eyes that resembled his.

“Now you know that I have a hard time telling you no. And stop with the puppy dog eyes!”

“So you’ll do it!?”

“I’ll try for you.”

The next few months came and went with the celebration of Ace turning four, and Jack having to do more and more appearances and fly around the country. When that happened, Ace would just stay with you until the next weekend that he was able to come and get him once he was back in Louisville, since he wasn’t allowed to take him across state lines yet. It was Friday afternoon and you were cleaning up your classroom as Ace was sitting at one of the tables coloring when he suddenly asked you about Jack.

“Mommy…”

“Yes?”

“Can daddy come over for a movie night?” He asked while turning around to look at you.

“Um, Ace we have to see. Daddy might be busy.” You said while grabbing your purse from underneath the desk and taking out your keys.

“Can we call him?”

“Sure, we can call him once we get outside in the car. Come here so I can help you put your jacket on. We can finish coloring at home.”

Ace was secured in the back of the car when you slid into the driver’s seat and attempted to turn the car on. The only problem was that it wouldn’t.

“You can’t be serious right now.” You muttered to yourself as you lightly laid your head on the steering wheel. Liv had taken a half day today in order to go to a few doctor’s appointments so you know that you couldn’t call her. Nadia would still be at work, and Blaire didn’t close the bakery until seven.

So, that left one person.

Jack.

You sighed as you dialed his number and he picked up on the second ring.

“Hello? Y/N? Are you okay? Is Ace okay?”

“Hey, we’re fine. But I need a favor. Are you at home?” You mumbled because you didn’t like asking him for help, but at this point you needed it.

“Of course. Yeah, I just got back in. What’s going on?” Jack asked as he was looking for the Chinese take out menu from his favorite spot.

“I’m at work with Ace and my car decided that it doesn’t want to start.”

“Say less. Drop me the location and I’ll come get both of you.”

“Thank you, I’m sorry to ask, but….”

“No need to apologize. I’m on my way now.”

It took less than twenty minutes and you finally saw Jack’s jeep pull up beside you and this made Ace yell in excitement.

“Looks like you get to see daddy after all, huh?” You said as you peeked at him in the backseat and he excitedly nodded towards you.

Jack hopped out while coming over to you and opening your door.

“Thank you again for doing this.” You said and Jack simply waved you off.

“It’s not a big deal, Y/N.”

“I didn’t take you away from anything did I?”

Jack immediately shook his head no as he opened the back door and unstrapped Ace from his car seat and picked him up.

“Hi daddy. I told mommy to call you because I missed you.”

“I missed you too, bubs.” Jack answered before kissing his cheek and putting him in

His car seat in the back of his jeep. Jack then opened the passenger side door and helped you up, while putting your purse and work bag in the backseat. Once he slid in the driver’s seat, he started making his way back to your apartment.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“What do you want to eat? I was actually going to order Chinese food for dinner. Did you want that?”

“Yes! I want an egg roll!”

Only now you noticed that he was going in the opposite direction.

“Umm? Jack? My apartment is that way.”

“I know.”

“Then where are we going?”

“I want to show you something and I figured that this was a good time in order to do it.”

He glanced over at you and saw the look on your face and couldn’t help but to laugh.

“No kidnapping involved, promise.”

It was another fifteen minutes when you noticed that all of you were literally a few streets over from where Jack’s house was. He then pulled in front of a modern looking house and it looked as if it had just been built and no one had the chance to live in it quite yet. You looked around and saw that there were others similar to it and that it looked like they were building more.

“Jack? What is this? Where are we?” You asked not having the slightest clue on what was going on.

“This is your house.”

Your eyes went wide as you looked at him in disbelief. You looked out the window at the house before looking back at him and was clearly confused.

“I…”

“I don’t want you two in that neighborhood anymore because it’s not the safest. This way, Ace can go outside and play all he wants and I don’t have to worry about you two not being in a safe environment. This is a gated community so unless you have the passcode, you can’t get in.”

“Jack….. You bought us a house?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t accept this, how in the world am I going to pay for it?” You asked as a million things started going through your mind.

“No one said you had to pay for anything. You need more space, even if it’s just the two of you.”

“But….”

“Y/N, it’s a gift. No strings attached. It’s fully furnished and everything.”

You sat there for a minute before glancing back at Ace who was too busy playing with one of his toys to notice you.

“Come on, let’s go inside so you can at least look at it.” He said while holding up the keys and smiling at you.

“Is this a ploy to get me to stay in Louisville?” You asked, suddenly getting defensive because of his previous actions.

“No, not in the slightest. If that’s what you eventually want to do, then okay but this house will still be here and still be yours. Just while you’re here I figured that the two of you should be as comfortable as possible. And also that you would have probably said no if I asked the two of you to move in with me so it would be safer knowing that you would probably want your own space. You don’t have to move in immediately, but come on so we can at least look at it.”

“Okay.” You quietly said before taking off your seatbelt and getting out the car as Jack did the same thing while tending to Ace after.

All three of you walked through the house and you were in awe. Ace’s bedroom had a Louisville Cardinal theme since that happened to be his favorite team right along with his dad, while your room had a black and gray theme. Ace had his own playroom filled with toys and even a mini kitchen with a working stove that was perfect for his height.

“Ace, don’t you like this house and want to live here with mommy?” Jack asked as Ace had begun examining the stove and the little apron that was hanging to the side that had his name on it which was similar to the one that you bought for him.

“Yes! I like it.”

All Jack did was look at you, but you still had hesitations in the back of your mind. It was true that you and Jack were growing close again and working on being good co-parents to Ace, but you couldn’t take him possibly doing something to mess all of this up all over again. Before either of you made a decision regarding him, you would call each other and discuss it first. This just seemed all too much for you and you were overwhelmed.

You remained quiet as Jack simply laid the keys in your hand and closed it.

“Whenever you’re ready, there is absolutely no rush. Please understand that. And also understand that I’m trying to do my best to make up for what I’ve done or what I haven’t done rather. I just want to do right by the two of you.” He whispered so that only the two of you could hear and all you did was nod in response before Jack went to scoop Ace up in his arms.

“Bubs, you ready to go to daddy’s house and eat Chinese food?”

“As long as we watch Cars!”

“Uh? Again?”

“This is nothing compared to his Lion King phase.” You muttered as all three of you made your way back downstairs.

“Oh, one last thing. Let’s go this way.” Jack then led you both in the direction of the garage and your jaw dropped once you set foot in it.

“Didn’t realize that your car was going to give out on you today, but… surprise.” was all Jack said as you were now staring at a BMW SUV. When you and Jack had first started talking, you told him that this was the car that you eventually wanted to buy for yourself and had no idea that he actually remembered.

“Jack….”

He didn’t say anything and instead slipped his hand in his back pocket to get the keys and hand them to you.

“Ace can ride with me while you test out your new car.”

About another month had passed and the temperature was beginning to warm up and you couldn’t wait to be able to take Ace out all summer and was trying to think of where you wanted to go and wanted to do. You also made sure to include Jack in your plans if he wasn’t too busy. You had the night to yourself since Ace was with Jack and you were currently fiddling the house key in your hands that Jack had bought you. He told you that it was no rush and you were deciding to take your sweet time. As far as the lease for your apartment went, Jack said if you wanted to break it, he would pay for it. But at this point in time, you feel that he already did so much for you already and would probably just ride it out until it was time for it to be renewed again. However, just about every day after you were finished teaching, you would take the long way home to pass by it.

It was around midnight when you had gotten a text on your phone from Nadia and it seemed urgent.

Nadia- Go look at Jack’s instagram…. NOW

You- Why? What’s wrong?

Nadia- HE POSTED YOUR FACE, THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!

Your heart was now doing backflips as you logged into your instagram app to see that he did indeed post you and now thoughts were beginning to run rampant.

Liked by urbanwyatt, estgee, champagnepapi, 2forwoyne, taylorrooks, saweetie, and 1,200,154 others

jackharlow: Y/N, thank you for being just an amazing mother to my son who has wanted for nothing ever since he came out of the womb. I'm thankful that we're in a better place with one another and keeping him at the center of it because at the end of the day, he's the most important part of this. I can't change the past and what went down between us, but I can move forward and do what's best for the both of you.

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You wasted no time in texting him wanting to address this and how incredibly dangerous it was.

You- Jackman, I’m coming over because we need to talk

Jack- Is everything okay?

You- No, everything is not. I’m getting dressed now

Jack was waiting at the door for you once your car pulled behind his jeep in the driveway and he could tell that you were fuming. He simply stepped aside to let you squeeze past him as you went to sit down on the couch in the living room. All Jack did was come and sit next to you waiting to hear what you had to say.

“Y/N?”

“Why did you post that?”

“Because I figured you deserved a public apology. I just wanted to show how appreciative I was of you and how important our relationship is.”

“Do you not understand what you just did? First, those pictures that were taken were for your birthday and for your eyes only and I actually forgot that I even took them until now. Second, Jack, I have an Only Fans. Did you not put two and two together?! NOW PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE AND MAKE THE CONNECTION! I hardly show my face on there, but I have some videos where I do!”

“I….”

“I could lose my job over this! And that’s exactly what I was afraid of! Even if it was a few years ago, they aren’t going to see it that way.”

“Wait, your Only Fans is still active!?” Jack asked curiously, but all you did was roll your eyes.

“Is that really all you got out of that?! Yes, it’s still active! Any time if I was in a bind or needed money, I would upload videos to get paid for it!”

“Why, when you could’ve asked me?! You need to deactivate it and how was I supposed to know you still had it?! All I was trying to do was something nice for you. I swear that I can never win with you!”

“I’m not deactivating anything because that would literally be how me and Ace would eat some days when you were nowhere to be found.”

“Well, I’m here now! You don’t have to worry about that anymore! Anything you want or need, I’ll get it!”

“Every time I need something, I’m not going to run to you and ask for it. We’re not in a relationship anymore or did you forget?”

“I… well what if I want us to be?!”

This had you taken aback and you simply looked at him in disbelief as you shook your head.

“Jack…..”

“Please Y/N, just give me another chance. I’ll delete the post and make this right and I’m sorry for doing that without clearing it with you first. I compromised your safety and you know that was never my intention.”

“It is literally only a matter of time before someone finds my account.” You muttered without giving Jack an answer.

“I can delete it.”

“But not before almost a million people liked it. The damage is done so it doesn’t even matter at this point.”

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@fantasywritersstuff

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@its-jennarose

@js-a-writer

#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow angst #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow concepts #jackman thomas harlow #jack harlow x you

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loser4loserswhok1ll · 10 months

Text

First Meetings + Touches With The Slashers

How you meet and how your first touch goes

Headcanons

Sfw, fluff, some angst, slashers learning how love works and sort of failing</3, GN reader

Includes: Martin Mathias, Brahms Heelshire, Michael Myers (RZ), Norman Bates, Kurt Kunkle

💉Martin Mathias

It was.. awkward.

you were spinning slowly on the roundabout thing at the park with Martin

it was late at night, pitch black out, and you guys were just existing together, talking only every now and then

youve done this since martin moved into town

you guys met when he delivered a package to your house and when you came to put it away for your mother you instantly wanted to know this kid

he looked around your age and you think he felt the same

so you guys just became friends and sat in the silence of the other like this often

you did most of the talking as Martin just watched silently, only chiming in every once in a while when something really caught his interest

at some point deep into a comfortably one sided conversation, your hand slid slightly and gently rested on his

you didnt notice, but oh god he did

he just stared at your hands and shifted uncomfortably but not in a disgusted or hateful way, more like a cautious and unsure way

it took a moment before you looked over and realized and you moved your hand back almost immediately

he just stared at you with those puppy eyes, mouth slightly open showing the tips of his front teeth (cute stuff yknow?)

You apologized but he just,,, stared. scanned you. observed you.

it took a moment before anyone spoke, and shockingly, it was him

"Its ok. your hands are warm.. s'okay. I promise." and he said it so soft and in that awkwardly boyish manner that he has

that made you smile gently, easing the tension, putting your hand back in its spot comfortably

it was a peaceful night and an even more peaceful comfort between you two

🗝Brahms Heelshire

the actual first time he touched you wasnt even when you were awake

that wall freak snuck into your room when you were asleep and petted you basically

but the first time when you were awake was when he decided it was finally time

he just couldnt wait to reveal himself any longer, he would go insane if he had to watch his goodnight kisses be wasted on some hollow porcelain again and again

he tried to be gentle, soft, tried not to scare you

of course you were damn near terrified to death

a tall and strangely muscular man just lumbered out of the wall, the very same walls youve spent months in between, months living with, and yet never once did you think they were a living space themselves

it took you time before you could calm down, painfully long before you even let brahms take a step closer to you

but when you let him, he was overjoyed

he gently grabbed you and nearly swallowed you with his arms, taking a very obvious and harsh sniff of your hair

that was the first of many lingering hugs and touches so you should probably adjust to this new life soon- for your own sanity

🔪RZ Michael Myers

oh, and make a new list of rules

you werent supposed to be there, actually

there was a halloween party going on at the myers house (and it wasnt even a good one smh)

you didnt want to go but your friends didnt want to walk alone (and they definitely needed a chaperone to walk them home)

so you walked them there, dropped them off, and gave them a time when youd be back to wrangle them (also chastising them for disrespecting the house and the myers family so horribly)

you had a nice evening to yourself, 0 worries, watching some slasher films alone (house of wax, wolf creek, house of 1000 corpses, yknow the good stuff)

time to get your friends unfortunately *sigh*

you turn off the tv and make your way to the myers house

there are.. a lot.. A LOT.. of police

in a panic you sprinted through every shortcut possible to make it there

one of those shortcuts was through bushes and in between neighboring houses fences

thats where you bumped into him

you looked up and froze, fear paralysis, staring at the blood splattered ghost white face- no- mask

from your end, you were sure you were gonna die

from michaels end, he didnt know what to do with you

he saw you ramble on about how these dumb drunks should just let the myers family rest and they were disrespecting them and blahblahblah

because of that he wasnt going to kill you

but here you guys are, body pressed on body, between bushes and fences, staring at eachother

he made the first move and you flinched and blocked your head with your arms instinctively

he didnt do anything, just left you there to collapse into a ball of fear and confusion

anyways he had to contemplate why he liked the warmth of your body against his so much (and why its been in his mind for weeks after the incident)

oh also ur friends are dead :p

🛎Norman Bates

you were just a normal guest

just passing through but it got late and it isnt safe to drive when youre so sleepy

so you pulled into the nearest motel you could find and low and behold its the bates motel!

you got your stuff and checked in

you just assumed norman was this shaky and nervous around everyone

norman knows hes not. at least not to the degree that you made him

god the moment he layed his little puppy dog eyes on you he was in shambles

you are the definition of what he desires

mothers pissed!

he helped you bring your stuff to your room and you guys talked about anything and everything

he invited you to eat dinner with him after you mentioned you hadnt eaten

you unfortunately refused because your exhausted tanked your hunger by a long shot

as he was going to leave you touched his arm gently, a friendly touch

you thanked him and he shakily gave a thank you back for choosing his motel and being so kind and being so gentle and for being so- he should really get going now before he rambles too much and loses his dignity, shouldnt he?

you laughed softly at his behavior and gave him a kind goodnight before closing the door and readying yourself to sleep

norman basically booked it back to his house

mother had an earful for him but he was so dazed and stupid from the things he was feeling for you

the absence of your warm fingertips on his arm made him crazy, he wanted longer touches and he wanted to feel that warmth endlessly

he was very adamant you stay in the bates motel again soon when you checked out the next morning (much to mothers dismay)

📱Kurt Kunkle

he was your spree driver (so unexpected ikr)

you got into his car when he pulled up and happily greeted him

he liked your kindness, he likes not awful people a ton

was real awkward with you but you didnt seem to mind (you were also a little awkward so it was like a mutual thing)

you asked him about the cameras and he told you it was for some webseries about safety as a driver or something (he said it very strangely so you kinda didnt trust him)

you leaned forward to talk with him more and you guys really hit it off

he thought you were cool, you thought he was a total weirdo

perfect match

the drive was painfully short though so you had to leave soon after you got in

when you got out you knocked on his window and complimented his service

you also gave him your number and he gladly took it

after exchanging numbers you placed your hand on his shoulder while thanking him

he went RED and stuttered out a 'your welcome' and also rambled about how hed love to drive you more often and stuff

after you left dude had to take a BREATHER

he wants you back in his car NEOW

rides the high that your touch gave him for the rest of the day (even a little bit the next day too)

#slasher headcanons #slasher fanfiction #rz myers x reader #brahms heelsire x reader #kurt kunkle x reader #norman bates x reader #martin mathias x reader #slasher x reader #slasher x you #gn reader #loser4loserswhok1ll

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janesgms · 1 year

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Astro notes - 02

✨️ General Edition ✨️

Air placements could be more "air-headed" and hazy than water placements, specially when they're in places where they feel uncomfortable. this happens because air people's minds never stops and they will zone out all the time if you're not interesting enough to keep their minds on you.

If they also have personal planets in water signs or houses, then they will be kind of dumb too because they will be on their own world all the time. type of people who don't need drugs or alcohol to feel high, just a little bit of music lol

Underveloped leo mars & venus people with other earth/fire placements (specially moon) need to do therapy asap. they need to stop being bad and throwing their anguishes/traumas/bad energies on people who have nothing to do it, and they still do it thinking is not a big deal. You guys can be SO, but SO incredible and genuine people when you want, you shouldn't let your demons get control over you, because you're traumatizing others and losing your inner child slowly

Hi, how are you doing woman with heavy lilith energy? I know you think you'll never find true love and that men will always want to use your for their own pleasures but just know you will be happy in love one day and you're bigger than these negative beings 💖. But always be careful with people's envy in general.

Also, what is it that these women seem to make some insecure men hate them for no reason? Specially if they also have pluto placements These women (maybe subconsciouly) show that they won't lower their head to any trash of a man just bc they are men and i'm here for it. they're the true definition of powerful women when they learn how to use their gifts

Oh. my. God. why people are so freaking obsessed with spreading rumours about women with leo stelliums? leave us aloneeee 😭

People with young souls are such a pain in the ass smh... if you know someone who's a child forever (in the bad sense), this people is probably in her first/second life and they have a long loooong way to learn their lessons

Why do guys with gemini + cancer placements write and act like old men on social media? It's funny but also cute. they also can be such dads sometimes 🥺

Older souls usually get better with other older souls, they might find young souls really shallow or even "dumb". You usually get along more with people who have the same amount of lives as you or a close number

If you have the same amount of lives with someone, you probably feel connected to this person, it may be due to how you'll probably learn similar lessons in this lifetime

Quintiles and biquintiles are very important aspects to look in a synastry. they're as important as trines/sextiles/squares in my opinion

People with 12th house + taurus planets in natal need to be careful with smell addictions (drugs) and cigarettes even more than with alcohol

Venus in 1st house people marry with me now (it's an order 🔪)

I think natal houses are very forgotten when people talk about synastry. I know overlays are important but the natal houses are more because they reflect the native's nature. If you have the same houses in planets with different signs or houses that naturally match each other, it creates an important connection too

Virgo suns are the real clean freaks, virgo risings only look put together they are actually messy

10th, 6th and 2th house overlays in synastry are huge indicators of marriage.

10th house: means admiration, public life, adoration, social status, career you will always find this person cool, you will wanna be seen with her and you will cherish her on her career life, people wil lfind you good together. a power couple

6th house: means routine, everyday life, health & also work. you will care for this person's health and you will be part of her daily life, also cherish her work. a couple who does everything together lol (go to the gym, shower, skin care, cooking, brushin teeth even 😭)

2nd house: means material posessions, gains, sensations. you will gain material posessions when together, you may be posessive of them, you will bring money to the house together, you will be successful. a luck charm couple.

The vesta aspects in your chart can indicate how you will feel about your partner in the moment you lose your virginity.

vesta positive aspects to ascendant: you will find your partner expressive, personal, beautiful and you will like it

vesta positive aspects to venus: you will find your partner loving, soft, feminine, beautiful, delicate and you will like it

vesta positive aspects to mars: you will find your partner sexual, masculine, passionate, fiery, fast or aggressive and you will like it

Psyche conjunct personal planets in synastry mutually will make both of them thinking of the other 24/7, they will also feel a mental connection to each other

Venus conjunct ascendant in natal will make the individual very beautiful but they won't see that and hate pictures if they have 12th house placements or the venus is in the 12th house 😭 I wish they could see themselves the way other seem, they would feel more confident (even if they show they are, is just a natural thing for them, it doesn't mean they think they are confident)

Your death in your last past life could show in this lifetime as an inexplicable pain sometimes. I was murdered in my last life by my husband who cut my head off and I feel a pain in the back of my neck when I travel long rides and I rest my head in the seat - is so annoying tbh

Remember you may not have any past life in this world because this could be your first life (that's why you could be a shallow person, but I doubt any first liver would be reading this post, nah, they're probably busy being a kid lol, i kind of see why)

12th house people could naturally attract medium people from a young age without even realizing it, and these medium are also 12th housers/pisceans lol

You will always aspire to be like people who have personal placements in the sign of your north node

People with euterpe (27) in libra positively aspecting personal placements in mercurial or venusian signs, can have a beautiful singing voice, a sweet tone that remembers you of sunshine and freshness, or just a pleasant voice in general, even if it's not good technically. This can also apply to euterpe positively aspecting the venus.

Sagittarius mercuries need to be careful of what they say, they always hurt someone when saying something without even noticing 😟

This is a serious one, tw: murder. I just found out someone made black magic to kill me, and there are 4 obsessor behind me now. Now guess what I have in my lunar return chart? Sun, pluto and mercury in the 8th house. I also have bml in the 8th house and 8° in my solar return chart. Be careful with 8th house planets in solar/lunar return charts guys... (And send good energies to me)

Now this is it! I'll fix this post later, bye! Good night guys Update: I'm not dead and they're gone now <3

#astro notes #astro observations #astrology #synastry #aesthetic #astrology notes #astrology observations #astro community #past lives #souls #soul

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celestiababie · 2 years

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stay at home dad/ house husband mingyu who gets up early to make to make his wife and daughter cute lunch bentos, dress up as the prettiest princess to play tea party with her, makes the best dinners for his family but would also rail you into the sheets almost every night in the most filthy way possible. is an absolute sweetheart afterwards and the next morning and gives his girls kisses after dropping them off to work and school

Stay At Home Dad/Husband! Mingyu Part 1...

Warnings: Fem!reader btw, not much other than mingyu fucking you hard, use of the term "mommy" but not during the sex part really, cum eating, oral (f) , most of this is fluffy

A/N: Dare I say this is one off the most perfect things I've ever received in my inbox 😭 plz send more. I hope I did this justice:(( oh and sorry not sorry for using these iconic photos...they've just always screamed "husband" material to me rather than boyfriend material. Feedback is always appreciated!

Series Masterlist

Send Me Something :D

• Mingyu loved being a husband just as much as he loved being a dad.

• He was living his dream life. Beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, nice house. He wouldn't have it any other way.

• He wouldn't pay mind to those who judged him for choosing to stay home and take care of the house while you went to work. He still supported you two with some side investment money, but he wanted to be the most supportive husband and dad he could.

• All the other mothers would be jealous of you. How on earth did you find that sexy of a man who was willing to do house chores AND take care of the kids AND was just as in love with you before you got married.

• But they just didn't understand that Mingyu was a giver at heart and thrived over taking care of his family. It brought him more happiness than anything else could.

• And how could he not be in love with you? You brought him the most amazing daughter in the entire world and he would always feel the need to repay you for bringing him that happiness (even if you told him over and over that he didn't need to thank you for having a kid with him).

• Mingyu was the cutest husband, greeting you with a warm hug and kiss every time you came home, grabbing your bag for you and telling you to unwind while he finishes up the dinner that him and your daughter were preparing (she wasn't actually helping but she thought she was and that's all that mattered).

• He'd glare at you if you even dared to help him do the dishes, telling you that you didn't have to clean up after a long day at work since it was his self proclaimed job.

• But he'd pout and eventually give in to your push back because he did enjoy your company.

• You two would be washing dishes side by side, him doing the washing and you drying the plates as he passed them off to you while your daughter sat on the counter giggling and playing with the dish soap bubbles.

• Mingyu would be very attentive to your needs as well as your daughter's needs. Anything you needed or were running low on would "magically" appear the next day. Any holes in clothes would be patched up before you could even complain about having to buy a new pair. Anything broken (he probably broke it with his tall ass smh) would be fixed without you having to remind him.

• You never needed to waste money for lunch at work because your loving husband would always prepare a meal for you and his daughter to take before the two of you woke up.

• His alarm...would probably wake you up but he'd press a kiss to your forehead and shush you back to sleep before checking on your daughter

• Because your daughter spent so much time with him, she'd probably pick up a few of his habits which always warmed your heart.

• She had his smile, his laugh, his adorable pout that was hard to say no to (you have to be the strongest soldier fr to say no to not only your puppy of a husband but your adorable daughter)

• Mingyu loved spending quality time with his daughter. He knew she would grow up eventually but he'd always have these memories to cherish and look back on.

• It was quite the sight to see coming home from work sometimes to see your 6 foot 2 buff husband dressed up in one of your maternity dresses (probably the only ones that would fit his big ass body) with... questionable makeup on his face while he played princess with your daughter who was clearly having fun with her dad all dressed up.

• Once he noticed you watching, he wouldn't be embarrassed. Instead, he'd have the sweetest smile on his face as he picked up your daughter to carry her to you, the both of them pressing glossed kisses to both of your cheeks.

• But as much as your husband was this tall teddy bear of a man, you never forgot about his duality although it did always amaze you.

• Mingyu liked to keep in shape, not for aesthetic reasons, but he wanted to make sure that his growing age didn't hinder anything he needed to do for you and your daughter. Maybe there were a few shallow reasons for him staying so buff, but he still loved looking good for you after all these years and he knew you appreciated how sexy he was. He loved how proud you got when introducing him to others. He loved how turned on you'd look over the most basic tasks he'd do just because his muscles would flex in his shirt.

• Mingyu was the sweetest husband and father but he also was just just a man at times and couldn't help himself as he snuck in a few "innocent" touches while your daughter was distracted.

• Luckily your daughter couldn't hear all the filthy things he'd whisper in your ear as he gave you back hugs.

• But your daughter would be concerned when you'd let out yelps whenever your touchy husband playfully smacked your ass while your daughter was playing.

• "Princess, what's wrong with mommy? She's been acting weird lately." Your husband smirked at you before feigning concern for you in front of your daughter.

• You weren't complaining though, you loved how Mingyu still found you sexy after all these years and how he had no problem showing it and voicing it.

• Especially when he was balls deep inside you after the two of you read your daughter to sleep.

• "God damn, you're so fucking sexy, baby. Fuck—your pussy's so fucking good," he moaned out, his hips slamming his cock deep into you as he took you from behind, his strong hand pushing you down on your stomach while the other pressed against your head to muffle your moans in the pillow.

• "We can't be loud, Y/N. You wouldn't want to wake up our little princess, right? Fuck, shit—I've fucked you hundreds of times, how are you still this fucking tight."

• He'd quicken his pace, fucking into you so hard it was pretty much guaranteed that you'd be walking funny the next day.

• After making you cum around his cock and burying his face into your neck as he emptied himself inside of you. He offered to clean up the cum inside of you with his mouth (again how could you say no) and giggled as he watched how your eyes could barely stay open after multiple orgasms.

• "Let's go to bed, baby."

• It always amazed you how your husband could easily slip back into the loving, clumsy, puppy husband and father role as if he didn't fuck you into the mattress the night before.

• He'd have the brightest smile on his face as he listened fondly as your daughter raved about her new drawing while Mingyu was cooking up breakfast for the family.

• But he'd have his moments in between where he'd let that innocent imagine down, whispering into your ear as your daughter started a new drawing at the table.

• "Baby, you might wanna fix how you're walking, our little princess was asking why Mommy was walking so funny and I can't exactly explain that I fucked her sexy mommy until she came six times." He sent you a wink before turning to your daughter with another bright smile as he brought the plated breakfast to the table.

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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AITA for telling my sister that I didn't find her instagram post funny and that I didn't want her to send me things like that again?

I (32f) have never had a good relationship with my sister (34f). We have gotten somewhat better over time, but we have always had a strained relationship. We are about as opposite as you can be. Social rights issues? No compromise. ACAB? Constant disagreements. Politics: best never mention them. TV Shows? No interest at all. Music? We cannot stand each other's music. We genuinely have nothing except our blood and the fact we were raised by the same people in common.

I am currently in the process of finishing my PhD and live on a different continent to her. We have been vaguely trying to talk and maintain a cordial friendship from afar.

For the past four months I had been preparing for a conference that I was organizing, leading, and moderating. It was a massive project that will be a huge part of my dissertation research, and it went very well. The day after the conference I had a long career planning discussion with some academic advisors, and spent about three hours talking in my second language with my own advisor. The combination of everything left me genuinely exhausted to the point that I woke up the day after it all still too tired to move.

After I woke up, I realized I had a text from her containing an instagram link - no comment, no notes, no context, just the link. I know I wasn't in a perfect headspace and still needed more sleep, but I clicked it because usually she just spam sends me instagram videos about random baby rearing things she finds funny. I don't find any of them amusing, but tolerate them because she seems to enjoy it. I usually just nod my head or offer a few responses to show I've seen it and move on.

But this video was different. This video was, as far as I can tell, an influencer attempt at selling an AI. It had a young woman walk into a classroom with the onscreen text describing how "my professor is the same age as us and she has her phd!" and when she was asked how she got it, the video shows how the "teacher" went onto Youtube, put Youtube videos into this AI which created an algorithm to summarize the video. It ends with the words "University is a joke in 2024".

I was....genuinely offended. After everything I had been through working on this conference and with years of thesis work, I was just hurt. I watched it a few times, trying to understand what it was even trying to say, and could come up with no good reason for why she would just send it to me. So I wrote back to her "idk how you even want me to respond."

She said she thought it was funny, and I asked her if she understood why I wouldn't find it funny. She wrote back "because you lack my sense of humor smh." I tried explaining why I was upset and reframed it in the context of her job. She doubled down that she thought it was funny, but that it was because she thought it was amusing anyone would think they could get any kind of degree like that.

I explained that AI is genuinely a problem in universities right now and that our students are using it to get through their classes and it's causing a lot of chaos with profs trying to crack down on it. Then I told her it felt like she sent me something just to annoy me.

The argument continued from there. I asked her not to send me stuff like that again, and she asked how she was supposed to know I would be triggered by an AI video, and that I was being oversensitive, and how it was my fault for always assuming that she is plotting to piss me off and that she can never show an interest in my life without me having a "feelings dumpfest" and calling her out for being a bully.

I don't understand how she could think sending a video to me saying "university is a joke in 2024" with no context at all would be taken as a joke in the first place. And I felt like if I didn't tell her I didn't like this kind of video and why it made me upset she would keep sending things like this to me I'd have to keep seeing and ignoring future posts.

AITA for telling her I didn't think it was funny and to stop?

Should I have just ignored it and gone back to sleep? (At this point that's what I felt like I should have done...)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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pascals-doll · 2 months

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ELLIE WILLIAMS —gatúbela moodboard

✐; ellie moodboard analysis

⊹ * ˚ ellie wasn’t always into feminine things and it was clear to her at a young age, as she grew up she found herself liking wife-beaters. she started wearing them in highschool during her basketball team days. so within the years, she found herself wearing them outside, she had different colors, a couple complimented by band-names she loves, and along with some that had random little paintings.

⊹ * ˚ ellie’s outfits consisted of muscle tanks and to be honest, she prefers them cropped more than long. ever since ellie started going to the gym, she kinda just unconsciously found herself wearing cropped-top which revealed her beautiful toned mid-driff.

⊹ * ˚ she also liked regular tees/band-tees and baggy shirt-throwovers like flannels and simple button-ups. she thrifted almost all her clothing, she cared to clean up of course but she would let her wardrobe find her inna way. many of her outfits were a combination of a wife-beater/t-shirt along with a flannel paired with baggy 805s or levis.

⊹ * ˚ ellie loved to wear boxers or boyshorts all the time! specifically because of the comfortable lining they provided. she also thought that the slight exposed lining that would reveal whe she’d wear her short tops, acting as an accessory of their own like a belt. ellie also liked to hold her jeans/cargos up with a shoelace if they were a tad bit looser than usual. speaking of accessories, ellie had a collection of rings, she loved the weird assortment of rings she would come across at flea markets and thrift-shops. ellies fingers always being complimented since she also loved to paint her nails. she would either go over them with just some clear polish or sometimes feeling like a baby blue, white, or black; sometimes she would even attempt to paint a little flower or small symbol onto her ring/middle finger.

⊹ * ˚ although ellie’s style wasn’t feminine, dont get my girl wronggg! ellie especially modern day!ellie likes to play around with her short hair, styling it in different ways whenever she feels like (you cant tell me otherwise, how else do u explain her cute little half up half down in seattle smh) . she also had all different types of bracelets of symbols, crystals, charms etc and when she got her tatts, she liked how it highlighted her tattoos more.

⊹ * ˚ ellie’s lean-back wardrobe never failed to made her look fine as hell. she couldve been waiting in line at 7-11 for her slurpee in just nike sweats and her muscle tank; she could still look she put it all together and didn’t just walk out. when she would dress up? thats a different story. ellie would be very tedious of every detail of her outfit, she would wear tight dress pants that flowed at the bottom with a proper black or brown belt that would match with the simple color palette of her button-up.

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*.ੈ𑁍༘⋆ dear reader, *ੈ𑁍༘⋆

ellie absolutely adored how your fashionista-like outfits completely contrasted her lazy style. it drove her insane matter of fact. the way you would pull stares by each step of your walk? fuck jealousy. ellie lived for that shit, becoming almost cocky while you walk with your hands interlocked. the only thoughts being ‘yeah stare thats all you can do motherfuckers’ ‘mhm my golden trophy right here’. ellie dissolved in your own force of naturaleza, seeing you as a divine feminine which caused her to loose and find herself completely entangled in the beauty and the terror of your life; finding each moment to be utterly perfect to her.

🌺. 🌺.

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ᝰ.ᐟ this analysis was more of a visual rundown on the way your relationship and how i envision ellie throughout this specific series! thank you so much for reading and appreciating the implemented representation in this fic! 🤎

#ellie williams #ellie williams tlou #♡¨*:·. ｡series masterlist #♡¨*:·. ｡DOLL SERIES #ellie williams fanfic #♡¨*:·. ｡moodboard

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imtheindiekid · 1 year

Text

Sweet creature.

Prompt: Reader is the new resident at the Sonic Catering Institute run by the excentric Jan Stevens, the woman who sponsors her art and in exchange asks reader to become her lover.

Ship: Jan Stevens x fem!reader.

Warnings: FLUFF in caps, literally so much fluff and besotted reader (lol), pet names, Jan Stevens being the bundle of joy I know she is. Reader is not a minor! Kisses LOTS OF KISSES (bc you cannot tell me Jan is not a softie for giving and receiving smooches). Kisses as love language, mention of alternative food art but not really. Mostly reader and Jan being two fools in love.

A/N: Hello again! Here I come to fulfill my dream of Miss Jan Stevens having an affair with one of her residents (but a real relationship, we're a big no no when it comes to Billy Rubin and his lack of international love smh) So yeah, hope you enjoy! xo.

----

Food it was always more than the simple sustain for life, or a way of living or making profit by creating meals to offer at a place. No, it was more than that when it came to you and food, almost like a deep connection to know more about it, your curious mind wandering trough the cook books and kitchens you had access to, always wanting to know why such bond held a very special place in your soul.

The only explanation you could give it was that the universe granted you this rare talent in order to pursue it, even at a young age.

Enjoying any kind of dinners was an experiencie, and everytime you did it never failed to feed the craviness of reaching new levels when it came to food. Almost like a miracle, you decided this uncertain but luring path was the one you needed to follow.

----

It took some years and a great amount of failed plans, but you were finally happy at the way this whole thing of food music turned out, even when at an early stage of it people thought you went completely mad for creating art made by food that was not eatable at all. If they put it out like that it sounded crazy, but you knew they didn't understand, not even one bit.

Great thing you never cared for hearing others peoples opinions about you ditching college and embracing the alternative yet excentric art of sonic food catering, the one that made your heart fully happy. And so there you were, after small gatherings in cramped spaces, effort and love for this art carried you to the magnificent Sonic Catering Institute; a place where your ideas and wishes could rest easily and get sponsored by the right people. By her, and only her.

Jan Stevens was the woman you would never see at the street or a common place. You were sure she was a woman you would never see her at all, and yet, the only one if she randomly appeared behind an aisle at the supermarket or a the next table in a restaurant. The oddity about her and the looks she always wore were the whole essence why you reached for her, the reason why pleasing her was as important as creating your art.

She had you in a chokehold, your muse.

And of course, Jan Stevens knew the power she held on you as well the the love and praise that seemed to escape without shame from yourself when it came to her. It was adorable, seeing you so enamoured with her and always behaving like a puppy around her expensive dresses. She loved it, so much that it wasn't so long after you both came to an agreement; she would sponsor after the residency if you became her lover, stating that she could do international love and being thousands of miles apart wasn't a problem for her to keep loving you.

You sealed the agreement by kissing her so unexpectedly, making Jan Stevens smile.

----

It had been two and a half months since your acceptance at the Sonic Catering Institute and one month since becoming Jan Stevens newest lover, and those were blissful days. Making art and sharing a compassionate love with a wonderful woman it was truly more than you have dreamed of.

A wonderful woman whom had her slender hand wrapped around your arm while taking a peaceful stroll with you through her mansion gardens. The day was beautiful and sunny enough to make both of you take a break from brainstorming ideas for the next gathering and soundchecking, so instead of spending the rest of the day in between the sheets, you and your lover went for some calmness at their favorite place.

"Look there my love, those flowers are blossoming today."

"They are indeed sweetling. Thriving and shining like you, Y/N."

A smile appeared in your face as soon you heard the soft voice praising you and comparing your success to the bush of flowers that bloomed so beautifuly that day; Jan Stevens never failed to burst love and adoration beneath your skin, with her words and pretty names she used to call you most of the time; she still had to maintain the façade of professionalism when it came to presentations or those dinner parties she threw occasionaly.

You didn't mind it though, that people weren't aware of your relationship, they had no right to know about it or think that you're only using Jan Stevens for getting her money. So therefore, it was kept secret in order to enjoy it in your way. In a few months, you would be pursuing the next phase of your art, and at that time the residency would be over; so no worry about secrecy.

But right now, strolling by the bushes and old trees with your excentric yet handsome lover, was more than enough to you.

"How can you say such things and not make me blush like a poppy?"

You asked, gazing at her and actually starting to look as red as a strawberry, which made Jan Stevens laugh softly and reach one of your cheeks with her free hand, caressing it. The mere action had you almost like a puddle, if you could actually turn into that, but it wasn't very practical if you thought about it.

"Because sweetling, I love the red flush that crawls through this beautiful face of yours. So beautiful and kissable and which I absolutely adore."

"Jan Stevens, please my peach!"

The blonde laughed again, finding cute the way you would turn bashful at the praise she threw at you. Having enough of standing up, Jan Stevens gently pulled at your arm and grabbed the skirt of her black and white dress, leading you both to a bench near the shadow of a big tree. There, you took a seat next to the older woman, careful of not stepping accidentally on her dress.

As soon you sat down, a couple of hands went straight at your face and turned you to look at your love, who was smiling before closing the gap between you two in a series of short kisses. You didn't waste anytime and found a place for your own hands in the waist of the blonde, tracing so slightly and lovely the curves of her body possesed.

The sound of hums tickled against your lips, making you smile at it and knowing that your beloved peach was really enjoying this demostration of love. It turns out Jan Stevens love language was mostly kisses, and she loved giving them to you or receiving them happily from you; the lipstick she used always got smeared in the corner of her plump lips while you ended with a face full of lipstick stains and a drunk in love face.

The range of her kisses would vary on the mood she was; sometimes, they were no more than a peck to remind you of their love. Other times, she would pin you against the matress and leave you breathless by how her kisses grow hotter and needier, this time reminding you of the power they held.

But the ones you loved were the ones that gave with such patience and grace, holding you as if you were a fragile and delicate thing. Those were the ones that gave you at the garden and you totally fell for it.

"Jan."

"Too tired to say my name, sugarplum?"

She whispered against your mouth, kissing you a couple of times before pulling out of the embrace, but not totally to be apart. Your eyes felt heavy and tired, but an enamoured smile was in that face of yours; the sight of you, fuzzy and high in love was endearing to Jan Stevens, who couldn't stop looking at you.

"Perhaps my lovely bunny would love to go and take a nap. Looks like someone's tired."

"Not tired, just simply love drunk thanks to you peach."

"You're always seem to be love drunk baby."

This time it was your turn to laugh at her response, squeezing gently her hips while a foolish grin appeared on your face. She was right of course, you were always love drunk and all because of her; of her captivating love she had in her soul. You simply rested your head in her shoulder, pulling her body close to yours.

Jan kept a hand on your flushed face, stroking your cheeks or playing with your hair, while the other one found a place in your lap. Silence filled the space rapidly at the absence of words, but it was okay; there were moments with such intimacy like this one that words didn't need to be said. Both of you just knew how much love was in between.

It didn't take long for Jan Stevens to kiss you, never having enough of your kisses which you gladly give. Pecks turned into sweet kisses that turned into a full make out session, suddenly initiating a fire in your lower abdomen and made you whine against Jan's lips; your hands gripped her hips while the elegants of your beloved traveled to your torso, teasing you so slightly.

Then, she drew out again and caused you to protest at the lack of her warm, but a finger was placed in your lips to silence you.

"No whining darling, and let's take this into bed."

The mention of laying with her instantly cheered you up, and also caused you to stand up to take her hand and pull her out of her seat. Amused and in love with your reaction, Jan Stevens followed you through the gardens and into her mansion, already looking foward for all of the things she plans to do with you.

Oh how she loved being the headmistress of a place like this. And how she loved you.

----

The end. <3

#gwendoline christie #larissa weems #larissa weems x reader #brienne of tarth #gwendolineuniverse #gwen christie #miranda hilmarson #the sandman #captain phasma #lucifer the sandman #jan stevens #jan stevens x reader #flux gourmet #imtheindiekid writes

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audhd-nightwing · 5 months

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percy jackson ep3 live reaction

yesss the attic it looks perfect

the voice crack on “hi” i’m cackling

“oh geez” HES SO PERCY

annabeth immediately i love him.

percy’s gf requirements: has to be willing to push him down a flight of stairs without hesitation

let percy understand the horses PLEASE

“i chose you” i thought it was gonna be like ‘because you’re my best friend’ but nah he is just suspicious of grover dang. “i trust you” DAMN HE REALLY LYING HUH. poor grover totally believes him too. good thing he earns his trust back eventually and remains his best friend forever

“i’m gonna pack the best snacks” HE IS THE BEST KIND OF FRIEND

why tf are there lobster traps in the cabin. WHERE IS HIS BED???

“i think they’re canadian maybe? or from chuck e. cheese i dunno” he’s literally my favorite person ever

“these are… interesting”

thalia’s tree :(

when do they tell percy that grover was thalias protector 🤔

“the most powerful being in the universe’s best idea to save his daughter’s life… was to turn her into a tree?” YEAH FR GET HIS ASS PERCY

bro really does not know how to read the room 💀 “she met a pinecone’s fate” dude she is talking about her dead friend/sister-figure. grover’s literally like “wtf man”

how tf did they get a taxi from long island to the city bro

“i’m sorry to hear that” UR THE BEST ANNABETH

why is grover singing… THEATRE KID ENERGY

“our voting system’s broken” hgjfhdhd

BIG OOF ????

the autism makes decisions so hard very real

NOT THE TOSTITOS /j

“they smell fear” “that’s bees” EXCUSE ME? BEES WHAT NOW??

damn dodds that’s brutal

“perhaps the most formidable demigod child alive” i adore how they make 12 y/o annabeth so fucking powerful. like i really really love that they do that cuz ppl always talk about how powerful percy is but not how powerful annabeth is

defeated by shitty evacuation skills smh

…we’re lost in the woods, somewhere in new jersey

“i didn’t even know they had forests in new jersey” king. what.

ahhh i wish they just made them 13 i really cannot see them as 12 year olds

ope it is revealed. GROVER STOP TRYING TO REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION ITS NOT WORKING

annabeth IMMEDIATELY knows it’s medusa lol

thinking abt how sally used medusa’s story to teach lil percy that appearances aren’t everything and “not everything that looks like a monster is a monster”. very interested to see what they do with her in this version of pjo

“and i definitely trust my mom” percy is such a momma’s boy i love it

i hope they don’t make her evil pls pls pls. SHES NOT EVIL SHES AN SA VICTIM. “a survivor” :(

“the gift the gods gave me is i cannot be bullied anymore” yes 🙌

girl really said “it’s not a gift it’s a curse” as if she was there 💀 ilysm but clearly the story you’ve heard isn’t what really happened

“so did i” :( she was a worshipper of athena

“i wasn’t like you, i was you”

ANNABETH “that isn’t what happened” GIRL YOU WERENT THERREEEEE

you tell them medusa !! her and percy get matching “i hate poseidon” shirts

team #trust issues

oop. yeah fuck poseidon.

okay yeah i really like this characterization of her. like a good person with a skewed moral compass. or at least good intentions but not great actions

leetle snakes hiss hiss

annabeth watching percy defeat alecto… she literally has heart eyes hehe

THEY BETTER SHIP HER HEAD TO OLYMPUS I SWEAR

you tell them grover!!!!!!

oh he really did choose grover because he trusted him aw :,)

YES SHIP THE HEAD

“i am impertinent” ily

the song 💀 this is why they are besties

LIN MANUEL MIRANDA? *lip bite*

#percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson show #pjo tv show #pjo spoilers #pjo show #aunty em #annabeth chase #grover underwood

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sleeplesssmoll · 4 months

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Vertin during part 2 of Green Lake.

I love her dynamic with Jessica! When she's with Jessica, you can see both her playful side and her parental side.

Vertin calls Jessica before her exams to check up on her. She is relieved when Jessica isn't anxious. Vertin seems more anxious than Jessica, who picks up on this and asks her about it. It's precious.

Vertin kept Sonetto's notebook from their school days. She used Sonetto's notebook to help her study and stay out of the guardhouse. She lets Jessica borrow them. It appears after the break away event they punished Vertin with the guardhouse treatment for not doing well on her homework or exams. Before the break away event it was only used for “correcting behavior” (according to what we see anyway). This makes Vertin’s later punishments feel like targeted attempts to harass her since her arcanum is weak and she was not a good student.

Vertin is constantly negotiating with the Foundation to make Jessica more comfortable and to give her leniency. The instructor goes as far as calling it “special treatment”.

Vertin stopped the Foundation from using “fasting” and “grounding” as punishments (flashbacks to guardhouse).

Vertin asks about how things are going/doing for Jessica in every call. Priorities. The Foundation isn't allowed to bully her little bambi! I think Vertin is scared they're going to hurt Jessica the way they hurt her as a child. She's very on top of things when it comes to her crew.

Also, we see her hide her face a lot. She's always done that when she feels negative emotions throughout main story but here she does it whenever she "fails". As in, she failed to give Jessica the best life she could. She does the hat tilt when Jessica expresses unhappiness, longing, or loneliness. Vertin takes her feelings more seriously than she does her own smh. I think my HC of Vertin going out of her way for her crew as a provider has more strength behind it after playing this event. Side note, imagine if a crew member snapped at her for some reason and decided to leave the Suitcase? From what I've seen during this event, it would hurt her a lot.

Vertin visits Jessica while she's at the Foundation dealing with Horrorpedia. No one knows she's done this because the speaker doesn't announce her visit. Could this qualify as more of Vertin being stealthy? That or she told the security guards to get bent because she is the Timekeeper. First one sounds more likely but the second one gives me joy.

The school complains to Vertin about Jessica's behavior. Vertin tries to find out the cause of the misbehavior and creates a solution instead of berating her. A very gentle Suitcase Dad. Finding ways to redirect a child's energy in productive ways is a skill. She might have learned this specific one from Tooth Fairy, who also does this for Jessica. Make promises within your power. Find solutions to problems by tackling the source.

Talking to Jessica makes her nostalgic so she does have a few good memories of the Foundation.

She compliments the tiara Jessica made. She accepts Jessica's gift even though she never takes off her hat lol. She does say she’ll wear it though and so far she's kept her promises to Jess. Maybe we'll see her wearing it one day? Just her, Jessica, and Jessica's Critter friends doing a photoshoot with Blonney lol.

Vertin gives Jessica a room in the Suitcase right next to Jennifer's. She gets it.

She is the King of the Living Dead! She plays along with Jess's idea to scare Blonney and Horrorpedia. They aren't scared, but Blonney puts on an act for her little “monster”. They're all so cute!

I may not be around to reply as much, but I do read your responses! If you have HCs or observations you want to share, pls do ☺️

#reverse 1999 #vertin #reverse 1999 jessica #i have an exam in a few hours #cant sleep but posting this makes me feel better

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briar-rolfes-research-oubliette · 2 months

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ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death�� the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

#how do I tag this. probs not in the official tag right #Murtagh: Don’t Read It!!!#DONT READ IT #I can’t believe how much money Christopher Paolini is worth… I also can’t believe he managed to father two children #man doesn’t know what women children OR sex are. how did he manage to solve that equation twice over

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slexenskee · 8 months

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I'm just curious. Can I ask more about JJK/GOT? It’s just that as soon as I saw the Satoru/Robb couple I immediately became interested 😅

Sure haha I have a few plot points I could use feedback on

The backstory is where I'm??

Idk if I want Satoru to be reborn as Viserys and start his life just vibing as a pampered prince kinda ambivalent about his life / couldn't care less about the rebellion or his batshit father until he gets shipped off to Dragonstone and eventually Essos. Then he kinda realizes A) his little sister is literally relying on him to exist and they're situation is pretty rough and B) he has no more fucks to give and now he can really do whatever tf he wants. Kinda goes a bit wild, takes over one of the free cities (casually), gets worshipped by the Dothraki as a god (accidentally), ends up creating something of an empire in the Disputed Lands/takes over the Stepstones and now all the pirates and traders pay him for safe passing like sailors paying tribute to the altars of gods. Mostly he's just bemused by it, and doesn't care what they do so long as they don't bother him or his sister, who's raising her dragons (a gift from Illyrio) and just living a nice happy life.

OR he's not Viserys at all, he legit transmigrates adult body (and powers) and all and becomes a wandering god around Essos just sort of feeling his way through this random new world - definitely goes to Valyria just because he can, makes a fortune selling all the random junk he picks up there and becomes something of a master on the topic just bc he ends up learning so much about it as someone who regularly hangs out there, and one way or another ends up the accidental god of the Stepstones like he is the first scenario. Except this time he's cajoled to Pentos at the behest of Illyrio Mopatis, who wants to know more about the Valyrian freehold, and while he's there he meets Dany and Viserys. Immediately clocks Viserys as a nutjob and Dany as abused but honestly doesn't really care about either of them until he sees the dragon eggs + his Six Eyes see Dany has magic and it's reacting with the eggs. He pays Illyrio/Viserys a veritable king's treasure in exchange for Dany as his 'bride' and gets the eggs as her bridal gift... which he does not bc he wants a bride but bc dragons are, in his opinion, the only cool thing in this world and he wants to have one as a pet and Dany is his ticket to that.

EITHER way he's the god of the Stepstones and Westeros tries to push their weight around and fails regularly. Gojo eradicates probably like 3 Redwyne and Lannister fleets and lets them wash up to Dorne in pieces before Westeros finally gets the picture to leave him the hell alone. Robert Baratheon comes personally a few times mainly because he has a total hard-on for Gojo and frankly just loves the fighting (his adoration is not returned), Oberyn becomes one of his favorite drinking buddies. They probably fuck multiple times, let's be real.

He's not interested in taking over the world or anything - honestly if it wasn't for Dany he'd have like zero purpose for existing so he's lowkey happy to have her in his life, but it's definitely a brother and sister relationship no matter which way I go with his backstory. It's all very wholesome.

By the time we get to S1 Gojo is an undisputed world power that's also something of an eccentric recluse.

He doesn't get involved in the plot until one way or another he's notified of Shit Happening™ in the far north. Idk how yet - maybe he senses it himself, or one of the Red priests/priestesses tells him?

He goes to the wall, meets Jon Snow, learns some of the Northern history, feels bad for the Night's Watch - who are actually doing the lord's work up in this damn place, what is wrong with westeros, smh - and sends men and plenty of food/supplies as he can see the magic in the Wall and knows it's not just there to look pretty. Especially not when his Six Eyes can see that the Land of Always Winter has more magic and is more active than old Valyria. He jokingly propositions Jon Snow, who to his surprise is not actually gay, and then afterwards when he's summarily rejected casually propositions his 'sister' for him instead- who's going through a romance phase and wants a handsome man and Gojo, being a good brother and also a fucking troll, decides to help out. Whether Gojo is actually Viserys or not, at this point everyone assumes he's Valyrian and also related to Dany no matter what he says, so he just rolls with it. Jon still declines, because he's still all up in his duty and honor phase. (He notices Jon has magic, like Dany, but assumes that's just because of the Northern magic)

He becomes fast friends with Maester Aemon, deeply interested in his stories of the Far North. He's actually interested in the North, in general, bc its one of the few parts of the world he hasn't yet gone to, and also has a history that's almost as old as Valyria. The Free Folk are downright unfriendly to him, so he decides to try his luck with Winterfell.

Idk what the route is but basically from the Wall he ends up in The North and finally meets Robb smack in the middle of the War of the 5 Kings. Maybe he goes to Winterfell with a letter from Jon, and then from Winterfell to Robb? Or from Jon straight to Robb? Basically no matter which way he ends up going, he gets a warm intro from one of Robb's siblings (or both). He also gets tasked, by one or both of them, to look for the Stark sisters. Gojo's all like, 'LOL look for them? Bruh I could blast down the Red Keep and drag them out within the next hour, but sure ok I'll 'look' for them). It's especially easy because he realizes all the Starks have more magic than most, so his Six Eyes can pick them out easily.

So Robb and Gojo kind of have immediate chemistry. Robb has obviously heard a lot about him, most of it mysterious, all of it dangerous, so he's shocked when this stupidly good looking guy comes out of literally nowhere (teleports) and has some messages for him, and is also going to go fetch his sisters as a personal favor. That last one he's a bit cautious about, because he's heard plenty about this Valyrian god or devil or both, and he doesn't believe for a second such a powerful being would offer such a boon for free.

Gojo's only response is 'I've got a little sister too ya know, I understand how it feels to be an older brother that wants to see them safe and sound' and Robb's all like, blushy and flustered, but plays the hard line and sort of just dismisses him and denies his help. And Gojo's all like, 'damn this guy's hot' also 'if my gaydar isn't wrong, which it usually isn't, he'd totally be into me' and also 'he'd be even more into me if I really did rescue his sisters'. Which he was going to do anyway.

He obviously finds both of them. Arya gets a free assassination teacher that doesn't come with the price tag of her soul, Sansa doesn't have a tragic few years ahead of her.

Idk haven't figured much else out after that. Robb pines but refuses to act on his feelings, but Gojo is swapped in for Talisa so we all know how this ends. There'll be plenty of consequences for that though, but no Starks are going to be injured (aside from Bran lo siento) in the making of this fic.

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heavyhitterheaux · 1 year

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Subtle Hints

First Lady of Private Garden Instagram AU

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, danivalentine, 2forwoyne, laflare1017, brysontiller, and 2,974,003 others

y/ninsta: my baby's birthday month is almost hereeeeeee and I cannot waiiiiit!!

and in other news: I have the cutest husband, wouldn't you agree?

jackharlow come here so I can kiss your face

jackharlow: stink, stoppppppp 🙈🙈🙈🙈

jackharlow: I'm on my way though 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

dualipa: he's okay, I guess

jackharlow: dualipa I'm not even going there with you today smh

dualipa: jackharlow because you know you'll lose

jackharlow: dualipa can't lose when my wife is sitting on my face. try again.

danivalentine: oh lord, how are you going to top last year?

y/ninsta: danivalentine I already started planning, I'll let you know

urbanwyatt: uh? did you forget it's someone else's birthday month too?

y/ninsta: urbanwyatt I didn't forget. This post isn't for you tho. get in line.

urbanwyatt: y/ninsta oh oh okay so I'm not helping you plan a got damn thing. do it yourself.

y/ninsta: URBY, DO NOT START. I'M PLANNING YOURS TOO!

urbanwyatt: y/ninsta you started it and I was only finishing it

saweetie: y/ninsta it's the fact that you already have a closet full of gifts for him in my house

jackharlow: saweetie oh?

saweetie: jackharlow no. I'm not telling you which house or what they are so don't even try it

jackharlow: saweetie one tiny hint?

y/ninsta: JACKMAN!

jackharlow: 👀

2forwoyne: how is y/ninsta about to top the kentucky chain? that's all I wanna know

y/ninsta: 2forwoyne we just have to wait and see. nothing is off limits for my baby 🥰

druski2funny: y/ninsta that's funny because he was just calling me his life partner not too long ago

y/ninsta: druski2funny don't start. been his life partner since 14 and made it official at 19. He isn't going anywhere.

druski2funny: y/ninsta I'll see you in court. consider this now a custody battle. y/ninsta: druski2funny court won't be necessary, this pussy got him in a chokehold. but if we're going that way, prepare to pay for all my legal fees.

lilnasx: druski2funny jackharlow wouldn't want to live with you anyway and he damn sure is not choosing you over y/ninsta. I'm trying to save you from a lifetime of pain even if you get on my nerves

druski2funny: lilnasx he'll fold

jackharlow: druski2funny only person I'm folding for goes by the name of Y/N Harlow. Next. y/ninsta: DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE!

dualipa: jackharlow you meant Y/N Lipa, but same concept.

jackharlow: dualipa I do not want to hear a got damn word out of you for the entire month of march

dualipa: jackharlow lemme get a date with the wife and I'll think about it

jackharlow: dualipa won't have to think about nothing because my foot will be up your ass for being outta pocket smh

jackharlow: I already got the best early birthday gift that I could ask for from my baby 🥰

y/ninsta: jackharlow stop before I cry

danivalentine: damn, bitch you always somewhere crying lol

y/ninsta: danivalentine shut up! lmaoooo

jackharlowsource: jackharlow what is it?

jackharlow: we'll reveal what it is soon

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, druski2funny, claybornharlow, popcrave, danivalentine, and 2,890,442 others

y/ninsta: OKAY GLASSES!

my baby did that. so proud of you smush😭😌

allthingsy/n: yes we're proud of him too but WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WE WANT TO SEE YOU! WE MISS YOU!

y/ninsta: allthingsy/n yall just saw me at the grammy's! lol

jackharlowsource: y/ninsta that was so long ago tho. it seems like you and jack make small appearances to let us know yall are alive and then you go back into hiding

y/ninsta: jackharlowsource all we will be revealed soon as to why 🤭🤭

urbandjack24: WHAT? ARE WE GETTING THE JOINT ALBUM MAYBE?

danivalentine: didn't think you would last on the flight so long

y/ninsta: danivalentine I was fighting it lol, had to lay in Jack's lap for the majority of it which he was very happy about

jackharlow: y/ninsta not you calling me out smh I just like for my wife to be close to me

jackharlowsource: wait, what? she's been on long flights plenty of times 👀

y/ninsta: not a joint album, but something else

jackharlow: y/ninsta thank you for coming with me even though I wanted for you to stay with danivalentine 🙄

danivalentine: jackharlow you know when her mind is made up that there's no changing it

allthingsy/n: what are yall hiding? y/n goes everywhere jack goes anyway when she isn't working on anything

jackharlow: danivalentine after ten years, I'm still not used to it. I just knew it was about to be an emergency landing

jackharlowsource: AN EMERGENCY LANDING FOR WHAT?!

urbanwyatt: and I made sure to sit far away, but close enough just in case

urbandjack24: what in the world are yall talking about?

y/ninsta: jackharlow we need to go back when I'm feeling a little better and not carrying so much

allthingsy/n: ARE YOU SICK?! WHAT'S WRONG?!

y/ninsta: allthingsy/n I promise I'm fine, nothing to worry about and nothing that I can't handle

saweetie: 🤭🤭🤭🤭

2forwoyne: y/ninsta you're still cooking this sunday, right?

y/ninsta: 2forwoyne for my baby daddy, yes.

yungskylark: y/ninsta you always cook for him though!

y/ninsta: uh? because he's my husband the last time I checked? lmaoooo

quiiso: y/ninsta has been starving us for 2 weeks

y/ninsta: quiiso I made you something 2 days ago

quiiso: y/ninsta oh. I forgot about that

theestallion: proud of you jack! now y/ninsta yellow or green?

y/ninsta: theestallion definitely yellow!

jackharlowsource: what are these colors for? 👀

y/ninsta: theestallion or do purple for jack

normani: y/ninsta we can do a few different things but I know you two will love it

Liked by jackharlow, danivalentine, softtcurse, urbanwyatt, nemoachida, djdrama, and 2,943,001 others

y/ninsta: WELL DUH 😭😭

okay yall see me? I'm alive. I'm okay. I'm healthy and I'm about to go have sex with my husband soooo byeeeee

jackharlow: BABY! 😭😭😭😭

danivalentine: hmm you've been doing a lot of that lately and it's why your ass can barely walk now

y/ninsta: danivalentine idk what you mean sis, I was doing the cupid shuffle earlier as I came in the room

saweetie: BITCHHHHHHH SHUT THE FUCK UP 😭😭😭

theestallion: I swear I can't stand your dumbass lol

urbanwyatt: and the video isn't lying. both of yall are. 🙄

y/ninsta: urbanwyatt and imma say it till the day I die that's my muthafuckin husband

jackharlow: y/ninsta 😊😊😊😊😊

2forwoyne: can we talk about how jackharlow was convinced that y/ninsta liked another boy at our school and not him

urbanwyatt: he literally needed a book entitled being in love for dummies. we spelled it out for him and his ass still didn't get it

jackharlow: AHT AHT! my birthday month is about to start and I need for yall to not act outta pocket

yungskylark: following her like a lost puppy

danivalentine: yungskylark he still does

nemoachida: SIMP!

urbanwyatt: still remember that day in cherokee park when I asked her what her type was. she describe Jack to a MOTHERFUCKING T and his ass was still looking around confused

quiiso: that was hilarious lmao

jackharlow: SHE SAID SHE WAS WAITING FOR JUSTIN BIEBER

2forwoyne: jackharlow DOES HE HAVE CURLY HAIR, BLUE EYES, AND FRECKLES LIKE YOUR DUMBASS DOES?

jackharlow: BABYYYY! THEY'RE PICKING ON ME!

y/ninsta: gotta admit that was hilarious lmao

jackharlow: y/ninsta you not helping mamas 😒

y/ninsta: jackharlow I'll help when I sit on your dick

urbanwyatt: here they asses go smh

jackharlow: y/ninsta say less

Liked by y/ninsta, urbanwyatt, danivalentine, claybornharlow, dualipa, theestallion, and 3,562,110 others

jackharlow: so proud to call you my wife 💖

y/ninsta: jackharlow now you know I'm sensitive and I cry all the damn time

jackharlow: y/ninsta just calling it like I see it. thank you for marrying me.

y/ninsta: jackharlow and I would do it a trillion more times, you're it for me pookie 💖

jackharlow: five years in

y/ninsta: and a lifetime to go

theestallion: ooh you look cute, where yall at?

y/ninsta: theestallion this was months ago when we were in Florida, I'm still at home in Kentucky

allthingsy/n: we need new music! I know you got a studio in the house!

y/ninsta: allthingsy/n soon. have some things planned, but for now I'm loving that I can get to spend time with my big baby

claybornharlow: little baby has now entered the chat

jackharlow: here his ass goes 🙄

y/ninsta: claybornharlow hi my little baby, we're going to have to give you a new nickname soon

jackharlowsource: wait, WHAT? DOES THIS MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS?

y/ninsta: jackharlowsource he's just old enough to drink now lol been calling him that since I first met him and he's now taller than me. what did you think I meant? lol

jackharlowsource: y/ninsta that baby Harlow was making their debut!

y/ninsta: jackharlowsource I told jackharlow I need ten years, besides, pop a plan b before I let him trap a bitch!

jackharlow: y/ninsta BABY! STOP. WE TALKED ABOUT THAT.

y/ninsta: oops, yeah he wasn't too happy with my verse on FNF, but another story for another day

saweetie: face card never declining!

y/ninsta: saweetie I miss you so much. please come visit and bring snacks.

jackharlow: healthy snacks only smh do not sneak her cheese fries like urbanwyatt did the other day

urbanwyatt: jackharlow look my best friend was hungry so I did what I had to do y/ninsta: love you urby, jack doesn't let us have any fun jackharlow: y/ninsta we have been having plenty of fun with my head between your legs so cut it out saweetie: ew lmaooooo

jackharlowsource: wait a minute.... I'm just going to say it.... I think first lady is pregnant

urbandjack24: OKAY I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME 😭😭😭

allthingsy/n: her and jack are hiding, she's only posting old pics of herself or things from the chest up, being on long flights and laying in Jack's lap which I assume she was nauseous, jack saying he already got the best gift he could ever ask for from her, jack getting on her about only eating healthy snacks, giving clay a new nickname, megan and normani making her choose between different colors which I assume for a party of some sort? gender reveal maybe? OH SHIT BABY HARLOW IS COMING YALL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!! MY FAVORITE COUPLE ARE BECOMING PARENTS!!!

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#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fanfiction #jack harlow imagine #instagram au #jack harlow instagram au #jack harlow x you #jack harlow fluff

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