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percabethpond · 7 years

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eight

"Hey! Hurry up or we'll be late!" Your boyfriend's yell echoed through your small apartment as you quickly finished up the last touches on your makeup. “I’m coming!” You shouted back, grabbing your purse as you walked out of your bedroom. You met him at the door to the apartment with a grin, and he chuckled at you. “I can't imagine what took you so long.” he said. You took a moment to take in his features for the thousandth time. His curly brown hair draped over his big brown eyes. You noted his similarities to Taehyung, but recalled the height difference, as your boyfriend, Yeongsu, was quite a bit taller than the other seven members of BTS. “Y/N, I'm serious, we’ll be late.” Yeongsu grumbled. You turned him around and gently pushed him out the door. “Let's go then!” You exclaimed. He made his way towards the parking lot, with you following closely behind. The both of you arrived at your car and got in. You strapped your seat belts in and Yeongsu pulled out onto the road. “I can't wait to see the boys. We haven't talked in ages!” You said, turning the radio on. The first song to come on was Twice’s new song, Signal. You silently bopped along to the tune, trying not to disturb Yeongsu. He began to sing along, and you found yourself doing the same. Of course, he couldn't match all of the high notes, being that he was one of the few rappers in BTS, along with Yoongi, Namjoon and Hoseok. As you sung, you found yourself thinking about how lucky you were to be at fanmeet where you met Yeongsu. You smiled to yourself, but quickly, it dropped, as you heard screeching and felt the entire car lurch as you were thrown from your seat. The last thing you saw before blacking out was a lot of fire, and Yeongsu passed out a few feet from you, blood dripping from his head. “Dude, I think she's waking up.” You heard a masculine voice as light began to shine through your eyelids. “Y/N? Can you hear us?” A different, deeper voice spoke. You groaned a little when you began opening your eyes. “Yeongsu?” You instinctively asked, attempting to identify the men speaking. There was silence. After a few seconds your eyes shot open and your body shot up in the bed you were in. Fire? Blood? You quickly looked over at the men and found it was Jungkook and Namjoon sitting there, surprised at your sudden action. “Where's Yeongsu?” You gasped, as your memories quickly returned. The two men glanced at each other. “Y/N”, Namjoon softly spoke, “do you remember what happened?”. You slowly nodded, tears forming in your eyes. “He didn't make it?” you whimpered. Jungkook lowered his head to conceal the tears forming in his eyes, too. You took a deep breath as you realised that you were lying on a hospital bed in a sunny hospital room. Namjoon took your hand and said, “You have a concussion from the accident. The doctor said you will feel nauseous for a few days, and might have pretty bad headaches, but you should be fine.”. He looked thankful for that, at least. You clenched your jaw when you realised that you were fine, while Yeongsu was dead. Dead. He was gone, forever. Several tears trailed down your cheeks. Suddenly Yoongi and Taehyung walked through the door, and noticed you immediately. “Y/N? You’re awake!” Taehyung exclaimed. You nodded slowly, as a migraine ebbed through your head. “Y/N? Are you okay?” Yoongi asked. Your migraine stopped you from speaking, telling them you were in pain. Tears sprung from the corners of your eyes as you grasped your head. “Get a doctor!” Namjoon demanded. Taehyung ran out of the room and half a minute of pain later, he returned with a doctor. The doctor sat down next to you on the bed and asked where it hurt, how long it's been hurting, etc. He left for another few minutes and you laid back and curled up in the bed. Taehyung and Yoongi pulled up chairs next to Jungkook and Namjoon, and you felt a little uncomfortable under the stare of all of the boys. The doctor came back in with a little case of pills. “These are very effective painkillers. Only take one when you are in pain, and it will probably make you very nauseous, or it will make you tired. Do not drive after taking these.” The doctor warned before passing the case to you. Jungkook stood and grabbed you a glass of water from a nearby sink and gave it to you. You took a pill, and immediately felt sick, but felt the migraine fading. “Well? How do you feel?” The doctor asked. You told him, and he nodded. After leaving, the boys all fell into a silence around you. The silence made you feel sicker, and you weakly stood to go to the bathroom. Jungkook quickly stood as well, to help you. He let you grab his strong arm as he lead you to the bathroom. You went in, and locked the door. As you sat in front of the toilet, you thought of Yeongsu, and you immediately vomited. The four boys sat outside, not knowing what to do. They all decided to leave Jungkook so they could go and work, and Jungkook would make sure you were okay. After half an hour, you came out of the bathroom with dark eye bags, so you walked over to the bed and fell asleep silently. You fell asleep thinking about Yeongsu.

#bts #jungkook #jhope #hoseok #namjoon #yoongi #suga #jin #jimin #bts smut #fanfic #kpop

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buttercreamfrostedmurdercake · 6 years

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I’m stuck in a cycle of anxiety, pain and depression...

I’m venting about my severe mental illness, feel free to skip. I’m just trying to express my frustration at the moment. (TW: self-harm, drug use, suicidal thoughts)

I need my diazepam (aka Valium) to fight panic attacks on bad days. It keeps me from pacing until I have blisters on my feet, picking and plucking until I’m bleeding, mutilating myself with nail clippers, scissors and razor blades. Combined with a muscle relaxer, it’s especially effective at keeping me slow and comfortable in bed until the trigger or hormone spike or whatever passes (basically a chemical restraint). I voluntarily drug myself into a useless blob at least once a week to keep from harming myself or inflicting my issues on my caretaker (mom) more than necessary.

But the side effects make things even worse. I get vertigo, so I’m nauseous and dizzy just sitting here typing - walking is a bitch and trying to clean or cook is a joke - I spend hours or days without food because I can’t manage the process of assembling a meal without getting so dizzy I pass out/fall down and can’t get off the ground unaided). I get sound sensitivity that is so bad it’s difficult to describe to people who haven’t experienced it (anyone with migraines - it’s that sound sensitivity) and it ‘s so painful I cry and it furthers my anxiety. I basically live in gun-range ear muffs, including while I sleep. Sometimes I use ear plugs and muffs which hurts in its own way, but nothing like a bad sound day. Just talking or chewing something with a crunch hurts from the noise inside my own head.

It’s depressing being stuck in a dark, low-stimulation space, alone, with no one to talk to and even the clicking of the keyboard or chewing gum is physically painful. It affects my executive functioning, my balance and my reaction times so I can’t drive or go for walks. I’m stuck in my house and can’t even interact with my pets because of the noise that they naturally make.

There’s also some evidence that the substance itself (benzos) could be furthering my depression. But I haven’t found anything else that works the same that isn’t illegal. Cannabis has recently been legalized in my state and very very very low doses of THC with lots of CBD helps soothe me without triggering my anxiety, but it doesn’t touch my panic attacks or help depression (and there’s evidence it could be making me worse too - yay).

But you know what does work? Opioids. I’ve taken them on and off for almost 20 years and learned in the beginning that I was self-medicating my mental illness into something functional. The valium affects my brain like alcohol does (GABA A/B), so that really is just repeating my stint as a functional alcoholic (not addicted, but needing to drink each night to get through the next day - once I quit that job I stopped drinking without an issue). But not one single anti-depression med has helped me function, let alone with so few side effects like tramadol or hydrocodone. Zoloft literally ruined my life and changed my personality, Welbutrin put me in a mental hospital and gave me a whole host of new phobias about ordinary objects, and the others either made me destructively anxious or endlessly sleepy while killing my will to do anything but cry.

I spent almost 5 years succeeding in college (full-time 3.5gpa with part-time work that I won awards for) fighting back against my illness because of the availability of pharma-quality low-dose opioids. But I lost my trusted supplier and my whole world fell apart. Not because I was addicted, the withdrawals were over in a few days and I didn’t crave the pills, but having them felt the same as having my thyroid supplements - I’m a real person on them, I can get out of bed and face the world without suffocating under a wet blanket of mental and physical exhaustion.

I’ve spent the last 5 years locked in my home, losing against the effects of my illness. Now with the addiction-panic, I can’t even talk to my psych about what I experienced to see if there’s an alternative for people like me. And I sure as hell can’t afford a cycle of ketamine treatments, let alone a trial one (don’t let the miracle stories fool you, the studies are saying it’s a temporary effect on mood, you need repeated applications - though the LSD trial are very promising especially for PTSD and cPTSD).

I’ve honestly, truly, thought about picking up street heroin as an alternative. You can smoke it and, even if it’s adulterated, you’ll nod off before you get a lethal dose. After 5 years of being housebound with bouts of bedbound from my illness, after losing every single person in my life besides my mom, I would trade being a functional addict for being this - lonely, atrophied, dangerously uncoordinated, confused, always nauseous, pathetically terrified of open doors at night, voices in other rooms, and the door bell - thing that I am right now in a heartbeat.

Luckily (unluckily, who the fuck knows?), I’m so unbelievably poor and without resources that I couldn’t afford a single dime bag, even if I could find a dealer and drive there and back.

I hate my life so bad some days. I hate my life most days if I could handle thinking about it. I definitely hate my life today. I fought back against being suicidal because of my mom. So now she gets a drugged up blog who reads reddit/tumbr/ao3 in bed as their only daily activities, but at least I’m not hurting her or anyone else. I was going to have family, a career, a garden and a little writing hobby. But that’s all gone now, and there’s now way to get it back in my current state. When she’s gone, if things aren’t any different, I doubt I’ll survive it.

I want to get better. I would prefer to do it on my own. But hell, if prohibition ended, I would be popping percs and going out to meet with old friends an get a job and everything. It wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be better than this.

#venting #delete later

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