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littlemisskookie · 5 years

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Loveless: Chapter 2

Loveless: Index Ship: Reader | OT7 Description: Spy/Men in Black!AU | You worked at an institution that dealt with aliens- aliens that were the fictional creatures we were told were from fairy tales. The job entailed love only for it, and nothing else. That’d all change when a mission goes wrong. Warnings: Future Smut, Comedy, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, Violence, Gore, Panic Attack Word Count: 5,073

"We are expected to leave at 600 sharp. The Phasecraft 3000 will be waiting for us on deck and I expect all of you to be ready and well equipped."

You sat at the head of the table in the meeting room, the seven men flanking either side. You were colder and sterner than usual, far different from your typical demeanor. Inside you felt pent up and anxious, as though you knew that somewhere in this building was a ticking bomb, and you just didn't know where it was.

"Don't you think it's weird how we had thousands of numbers at the end of our equipment? Like Dr. Doofenshmirtz?" Jimin wondered allowed.

"Don't worry, Q, rest assured I'm always well-equipped," Jin said, smirking as he leaned back in his chair.

"I've seen your dick, dude, and you don't have much to brag about," Jungkook struck back.

"Alright, number one I was peeing and flaccid, and I'm a grower, not a shower. Second, who the fuck stands right next to someone at the urinals when there are plenty of available spaces?"

"Someone who wants to piss you off."

"Fuck you man!" Jin said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, at least I don't drop my pants and underwear around my ankles like Agent V!"

"It was one time and you just happened to see my ass! Get over it," Taehyung quipped back. "Leave me out of this. You're the one who admits to looking at other guys' dicks in the bathroom."

"I just wanted to see if he was all talk. And he was."

"For the last time, I'm a grower, not a shower!"

"Are you guys done blathering on about nonsense? We've got a mission at hand," Namjoon interrupted, clearly agitated. You'd figure after working for years with the same idiots, he'd get used to it.

"What's the big deal? We've done shit like this before. This can't be as bad as the Kraken," Hoseok questioned, yawning as he looked at his blunt nails. "Kill mission? Negotiation? Information? Or just subtle ways of moving the pawns around? We've handled it all, what's the big deal?"

"Haven't you noticed? The maximum amount of agents typically sent on a mission is five. We've got eight. This isn't our normal mission," Namjoon says, turning to you for confirmation, "is it?"

You lowered your eyes, knowing all of the men's gazes were trained on you. "Right as always, Namjoon. Perhaps your specialty should be changed to psychic abilities."

"I thought there was a reason you weren't being as witty as usual," Jimin said.

"I wouldn't exactly call it 'wit'," Yoongi grumbled into the pair of arms he rested his head upon, trying to drown out the noise in pursuit of his nap.

"Namjoon's right, though, this isn't the normal mission. And truth be told I don't feel as confident in this one as I would typically. We've never had to use this many agents, especially our best ones. It's... unsettling." You stared down at the paperwork in front of you, looking over the words you had been analyzing for the past hour.

"So what is it?" Hoseok questioned.

You sighed, sliding the stack of papers down the table. "A new species has been discovered on Earth, one unlike any of the others we've seen before. It doesn't reside in any of the universes or galaxies we know of."

"Maybe some of the other species finally did the do," Jin murmured. "I always knew the Mothman was getting a major bug boner for the Minotaur. They better invite me to their wedding if they really fornicated."

You ignored his joke as you looked over the data. "It doesn't appear to be related to any of the species we've come across, either. This isn't your average mission by any means- it's a highly risky one that requires the top agents."

"At least we all get along with one another, so we won't worry about that," Jungkook offered hopefully.

"Most of us," Yoongi murmured.

"I wasn't in charge of this lineup, and truth be told I'm surprised I'm being asked to lead the mission. There is a reason why we're the ones chosen to have the first contact with this new species," you continue. "I, for one, couldn't have picked a finer group of men."

"Fine is right," Jin snickered.

Hoseok elbowed the man in the ribs. "Way to ruin the sentiment, dumbass."

"What? You said it yourself. We've handled plenty. I'm sure this isn't that bad. Most aliens are relatively peaceful," Jin shrugged. "This'll be a walk in the park."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that." Jimin's face is sour, analyzing the paperwork in front of him. "We can forget everything we know when it comes to them. It's a blank slate, and we'll have to improvise in any possible scenario. There's no telling what could happen."

"Agent P is right- for all we know they can wipe us out within a minute for no reason. And I don't just mean the EAA." You can hear the nervousness in your voice. "I know this isn't the most efficient of options, and the Head of Board would be pissed to know I'm even offering you this, but something about this doesn't rub me the right way. Agent C, don't you dare make a joke about that expression."

He shuts his trap immediately, the joke dying in his throat as he slumped back down in his chair.

You continue your speech. "If even one of you wishes to leave the mission, I'll allow it. I'll make sure you won't be forced into this, and though we aren't supposed to harbor distractions, the last thing I'd want for one of my friends to die before my eyes. You seven, even Yoongi despite the major piece of shit he is, are the closest to my heart. I've seen agent after agent die before my eyes, but I know if we all go on this mission, nothing would be the same. I can't bear to let a single one of you go, despite the fact I know all of you are more than capable of handling yourselves. However, I discourage any of you from participating and urge you to let me do this on my own."

Immediately, chaos ensued. The men erupted in anger, offense, and shock.

"You're kidding, right? Please tell me this is one of your practical jokes," Jimin pleaded, his eyes wide.

"This is extremely stupid, even for you, Agent Q," Yoongi said, finally fully alert as he deadpanned.

"No way are we letting you go on a mission by yourself, especially with the risks you listed." Hoseok shook his head.

Jin simply crossed his arms, fuming. "I'd think you knew us better than that, Q! We aren't cowards, we won't back down from this. You said it yourself, we're friends. Friends stick together."

"He's right. We care about you too, Y/N. We feel the exact same way, but it's more reason for us to stick together," Jungkook assured you, placing a hand on your shoulder. "I was trained by the best, so I know I can handle it. I'm confident the others can, too."

"You're not alone in this," Taehyung grinned, trying to provide a sense of comfort. "You'll always have us."

You felt your heart warm at their sentiments, but couldn't reveal your emotions that way just yet. Instead, with an expressionless face, you turn to Namjoon, whose opinion you valued above all. "Agent B?"

"I think the decision is pretty unanimous, Agent Q," Namjoon said, a small smile on his face as he gave you a soft pat on your arm. "You're not getting rid of us that easily."

Were you not a master of control, you would've wept. Instead, you let out a sigh, up to interpretation for relief or frustration. You stared up at the boys, all anticipating your response, strong and firm as they stood their ground against your disapproval.

"Looks like we've got a mission on our hands, then, gentlemen."

"Everyone's got their suitcases packed and ready?" you question, trying to project your voice over the sound of the other jets taking off outside.

Everyone had their own suitcase- civilian clothes or disguises besides the standard black and white suit and tie, adorned with sunglasses. Extra necessities that could possibly be used for your own specialty, in case you needed to improvise. Taehyung would have spare parts for weapons to make on the go, Yoongi had torture tools, Jin first aid and medical kits, etc. There was a memory wiper for everyone, as customary as the shades. Extra weapons were standard in the luggage, as well as a basic foreign phrases booklet. You wouldn't really need that one with Jimin around, though. But most importantly was a little pen, where if one were to bite down on the tip of it, they'd consume a lethal poison. They'd be dead before they even hit the floor.

"Yes, ma'am," everyone answered, suitcases by their side.

You pulled out a pen from your jacket pocket, clicking the top eight times, each of them shrinking to be no more than five inches. About the height of Tinkerbell. The pen worked simply, just click it for as many customary suitcases there were within the radius, and it'll grow or shrink.

"Remember, gentlemen, we're going to attempt friendly interaction and such first. Still, keep weapons in hand and trained, however. We don't want to take risks," you remind them, each of them giving you a curt nod in reply.

You huff, taking in a deep breath as you began to board the jet. Your destination would be a small island off the coast of Australia, near where a plane had crashed. That's where the foreign entities seemed to be residing now.

You felt shaky, but looking back at your men, all confident and assured, you couldn't help but feel a bit the same, as though the aura was contagious.

Hopefully, this'll work.

Your jet landed on shore, and you waited for the foreign entities. Guns cocked and loaded, all of you prepared yourselves, forming a defense circle with each barrel pointed outwards, your backs pressed against one another's.

You furrowed your brows as you tried to look for where the entities were. They were supposed to be here.

Before you knew it the water before you seemed to swallow in, as though it were falling down a deep, long tunnel, sinking below and falling. Not swirling, like a whirlpool. Just caving in as though a new crater was formed. Your jaw dropped as an airplane, having been abandoned for years prior, bubbled up to the surface.

A group of about six or more entities was atop the plane as it went to the surface, all completely dry. Finally, the plane seemed to come to a halt, bobbing along the surface, the creatures balancing atop it.

You felt your heart sink into your stomach, your finger tense over the trigger with an urgency to shoot.

You didn't know why, but you suspected you were coming across one of the most powerful beings the world had ever known.

You studied them as the plane slowly floated closer to shore, letting them come into view. Their eyes were far bigger than a human's, unnaturally so. Their pupils seemed to be surrounded by tiny solar systems, a tiny dot within the pupil glowing bright orange, as though the sun. Their skin looked as though it were made of pure diamond, almost translucent, reflecting everywhere as the sun hit the water and bounced off of their skin, emitting rainbows wherever they moved. They dressed in robes of light silk that would protect whatever skin wasn't exposed from the blistering heat. Their hair seemed to be luscious and voluminous, cascading down and rippling in the golden light.

They were beautiful in a fascinating way, but when the head of the group went nearer, she smiled to reveal sharp teeth, you weren't so sure you'd call it beautiful by the end of this.

"So this is the tiny planet they call Earth, is it?" The voice sounded gravelly, deep, and feminine, reminding you of stones rolling down mountain tops, in a bizarre fashion. "Why is it so many venture to stay here?"

"Stay long enough and you may find out," you say, speaking formally.

She smiled, fluttering her long lashes, and you swore you could feel a soft breeze wash over you. Her bare foot stepped off the plane and onto the shore, her entourage following. You could smell a sort of perfume that reminded you of citrus, and oddly enough she became more enchanting to you, as though putting you in a trance. No, everything was entrancing to you. The sky began to seep more colors, as though hidden gems within were coming to light. Everything was slightly iridescent, as though you were in a surreal dream.

Was she a god?

She studied you for a moment. "Are you the ruler of this planet?"

"Only the men beside me," you say, quirking your mouth to the side. This was good- real good. So far no malicious intent had been established. Simply wonder and curiosity, and on both sides. "Are you of yours?"

Her face soured, teeth hidden as she pursed her lips. "Was," she notes. "Much like yourself, I only lead with my loyal followers. We've run from our home planet."

"You seek refuge?" You look to Namjoon, and he steps forward, briefcase in hand. "We have paperwork and such for you to fill out if you wish to reside here. We cannot promise to anything, of course, and the process will be far harder considering we've never come across your species. No wars will be brought to Earth, however, under any circumstances. If you're still on Earth and your government comes looking for you, you'll be asked to leave immediately. You cannot interact with humans outside of the Extraterrestrial Association Agency, and you'll be required to share any and all information about your species."

She quirked a perfectly arched brow. "You wish to study our kind?"

"Of course," Namjoon snorted, unable to prevent himself from interjecting. "It's essential to learn about all you can, and with a new species, we cannot let the opportunity pass. Knowledge is the key to life."

She turns her attention back to you, a pleased smile shown with her pointy teeth. "Your follower is very wise. Is he a royal advisor?"

"I'm by no means royalty. I'm just leading these men," you inform her, watching as a member of her entourage takes the briefcase to Namjoon. Namjoon steps back with the other boys, still keeping his aim at the group. "And you?"

"Me?" She chuckles softly at that, as though amused. "I'm a scientist. Though I'll allow you to call me Jashwi. "

You can't help but be caught off guard by that, your brows shooting up. "Scientist?"

"You Eartheans aren't the only ones to seek knowledge," Jashwi says, her voice like silk. "My group believes in obtaining knowledge by any means necessary."

"We have a few departments that are similar," you note, thinking to Yoongi's torture methods.

"Might I ask if you all can lower your weapons? It makes my rapture a bit anxious." Her tone is serene, but you can't help but stress over her words.

"Rapture?" you repeat.

Jashwi chuckles. "An inside joke. It refers to a group of messiahs. Truth be told it's a group that all have a telepathic bond with the leader, which would be me. A singular bond with me can be formed, and I can open the gates for them to also speak to others who I have a bond with. Something that you dirt dwellers would call a hive, I suppose, but not quite."

"What are your capabilities beyond telepathy?"

She thinks back on that, thoughtful. "My species, the Anancites as we call ourselves, typically doesn't have any abilities- we're as ordinary as you. A tiny bit more immortal, and it takes far more to even attempt to hurt us. It's only very few who possess a certain spark that can even acquire a power bestowed by the gods. Though that certain quality we're looking to find out. No ordinary civilian, even of our kind, can even attempt to try to form the telepathic bond we share.

"Besides that, there's been known cases of water manipulation, which is what I possess. Others may control other elements, such as fire or air or earth- whatever else you can come up with. A specialty, however, is shadow bending, though that's more so a skill you have to learn than luck."

"Shadow bending? We've got a few of those who deal with those sorts of things. Demons and ghosts, mainly."

She shakes her head with a haughty laugh, as though she found you to be a rather amusing mouse. Jashwi's large eyes looked to you with glimmering curiosity. "You dirt dwellers hardly know anything, do you? So much for searching for knowledge. Shadow bending for us is to kill one's shadow. The shadow is where the soul resides, as both sides have to share it. You kill the shadow, you kill the person. It's something that many wish to learn where I live, for it's a skill so rare that one who possesses it immediately goes to the castle to live a life of luxury. What is it some of you call it? Ah, yes. It's to the same standard of Nirvana for some."

"Is that what you'll list as your weakness?" You could hear the soft shutter of the lens camera through someone's contact, a sound you had gotten accustomed to since your time at the agency. Based on the positioning of the sound behind you, you assumed it was Jungkook who took it upon himself to record the encounter for further documentation.

She shrugs, as though you were a small ant that had pinched her ankle, and she was a god. Unbothered and uncaring. "I suppose it'd only be fair. Blood bags such as you have far too many."

"What is it you consume?"

"We are by no means parasitic," Jashwi says demurely. "Our feeding is beneficial for both. Most species seem to need sustenance in harmful ways. Vampires drain lifeforce through drinking blood. Succubi drain lifeforce through sex. They only leave enough for them to regain strength for the next feeding, leaving an endless cycle only to serve one person's needs. No, we do not focus on selfish desires such as that. Nothing is for only one, but always for many, as it should be. I'll leave the question blank for now- you'll find out soon enough. Shall we move on?"

"And are you related to any other species?" You thought to the top of your head, trying to find something similar to them. You found nothing, truthfully, but it was worth a shot. "Sirens? Banshees? Vampires?"

She pulled the sour face again, scowling. "We choose not to interact with their kind, as they've proven themselves to be insufficient."

"Insufficient?" you muttered to yourself.

"Of course," she only said, her smile wide to reveal the sharp teeth. "And if there's one thing a true scientist hates, it's insufficiency."

"Might you state your reasoning for coming to Earth? Refuge? Vacation? Migration?"

She steps forward, inches before you. You hitch your breath as you feel all of the guns behind you point to her, her body towering over your smaller one. You'd most likely act as an 'insufficient' shield from the bullets.

"Didn't I ask for you to lower this?" She puts a single finger on the gun, lowering it so that it pointed to the floor whilst still being in your hands. "My rapture's still very anxious about my safety."

"Why are you here?" you repeat, voice hard.

She cocks her head to the side, lifting your chin with a single finger, forcing you to look at her. Her eyes take up perhaps most of the upper half of her head, and as you stare into her eyes, you see an entire universe is trapped in there. Spinning planets and moons and suns, orbiting around one another as though a digital map of her home.

Jashwi hums, staring into your eyes intently, too. You didn't have to turn around to know the boys were waiting for the signal from you to shoot.

"Do you recall when I told you about going to any means necessary for knowledge?"

"I do."

"Just making sure." You feel her fresh breath on your lips as she says that, and she lets you go. You stagger back and land on your ass, air slamming into your lungs as you realize that you were holding your breath that entire time.

"Might I speak to this one? The big one with the cute eyes," she questions.

Your eyes widen as you look to Jungkook, who seems just as shocked as you.

"Jungkook, y-"

"It's alright," he hastily cuts off, pushing past the others, gun still raised as he approaches her.

She holds his chin for a moment, examining his face as she turns it from side to side, her touch gentle. Jashwi then looks at his biceps, her touch cool as she traces the muscle beneath the nicely fitted suit.

"Would you describe yourself as strong, my boy?"

"I suppose," he says, his jaw ticked as he looked at her with a stony expression.

Jashwi looks over to your boys, quirking a brow. "Is he the strongest out of your group?"

There was no doubt about that. Warily, they nod.

She sighs, running her tongue along the inside of her cheek. "I suppose you'll have to do, then, little boy."

Her mouth opens wide, her entire face splitting in two, her jaw becoming unhinged as her mouth opened wider and wider. It was something like a bear trap, but far more terrifying. She had three sets of teeth, as though she were a shark.

Her grip on his chin was ironclad, keeping him in place and turning it to the side, as though to leave the neck exposed. Bullets fire at her carefully aimed to avoid Jungkook's writhing body as he struggles in her grip. The bullets simply embed themselves halfway inside of her, cracking some of the skin, as though she were a marble palace that refused to fall. At this point her rapture began to fight back, moving towards the men as they got more guns and blasters, testing everything they could for the creatures' limits.

Without thinking you're on your feet, slamming your body as hard as you could against Jungkook's bulky form. If he were stable on his feet, you would've uselessly bounced back to crash to the floor. Instead, he was knocked down, and before you could fall with him you're grabbed by the throat.

Jashwi doesn't bother to do so much as sneer at you, instead seeming disappointed. "I would've assumed a leader would understand better than her follower."

She raises you above her head, and you kick and thrash, her long limbs hoisting you far enough where you couldn't reach her. You could feel your face reddening fast. At this rate, you'll die.

Jashwi seems to sense that, as well as the urgency of the battle behind her. One of her men falls, Hoseok's blaster steaming after the newest hit. The body evaporated in the sun, as though it were water boiling into steam.

"Shoot the shadows! The little rainbows- now!"

Jashwi tenses, cursing under her breath as she tosses you up like a ragdoll, snatching you by your hair to allow airflow into your lungs.

"I guess you'll just have to do, won't you?" she says. "Don't disappoint me, little dirt dweller."

With that, she sinks her teeth into your jugular, and you can't even scream. She sinks all three sets of teeth into your throat, clamping down until she rips away, throwing the chunks of flesh out on the floor. Your head is barely kept together save for a bit of muscle, though there's still a gaping spot where flesh should be.

Your eyes were lifeless as your corpse hit the floor, blood everywhere as your body let it seep from the wound, running like a stream.

Jungkook still had most of the wind knocked out of him, all of it happening so fast. All he could do was watch as your body continued to bleed out before him, surrounded by nothing but blood, flesh, and chaos.

He can't help but crawl on his knees towards you, blasters and rays and more flying overhead. His eyes are fixed on your body, shock making him feel cold and numb.

No, you weren't dead. You couldn't be.

You couldn't be.

He didn't even have time to process it before Yoongi was yanking him by the bicep, putting him to his feet and shoving the blaster that had been knocked off of him into his hand. Yoongi gritted his teeth, glaring at the boy, eyes glassy. "Avenge her goddammit!"

He shoves the boy away as he aims once again at a moving shadow of one of the Acancites. It dodges the blasts, dancing around it. Jashwi hopped upon the plane, and soon enough the others wordlessly followed her, still dodging the blasts.

The crater formed again, the water parting as the rubble of the plane sank into the water, the crater resealing itself back up, the plane disappearing.

"Come back and fight, cowards!"

Taehyung enraged, fuming as he blasts into the water, watching the bright beam disappear down, down below, never to be seen again. He continues, over and over again, hot tears rolling his cheeks as he lets out whines and whimpers, his arms shaking.

"Agent V... Taehyung." Jin steps forward, pushing his arms down, ceasing the constant roll of blasts. Jin looks at the boy, who already seemed to be grieving whereas everyone else was still in shock. "Stop."

"They fucking killed her! She-" Taehyung looked back to your corpse but was unable to bear the sight. Every agent had seen a mangled body, but something about it made him want to throw up and never consume anything again. He choked on his tears, shaking. "She can't be dead, right? Y/N can't be dead. Not her, anyone but her."

He starts breathing heavily, shaking from head to foot, and Jin moves him away from the water, sitting him down where he wouldn't have to see you. Not that it helped. He could smell your blood everywhere, the smell consuming him completely. Perhaps your corpse was already beginning to rot beneath the hot beating sun.

"Guys, he's having a panic attack. Step back."

Taehyung wrapped himself into a tight ball, hugging his knees as his weapon clattered to the ground. He felt so pathetic. He felt so useless. All he could do was rock back and forth, heart pounding in his ears as he let out a cold sweat, anxiety and dread coursing through him.

What's done is done. What's done is done. What's done is done.

No. No no no no no no NO!

You weren't dead. You can't be. Not you. You were the best goddamn agent he knew, you couldn't be dead.

"Breathe, Taehyung. Deep breaths. Close your eyes, clear your head," Jin reminded him. "You need to breathe."

He did his best, taking in deep breaths, crying as he did so. He wanted this to end. All of this. He hated this feeling. He hated every bit of it.

"This is my fault," Jungkook said, staring at the elder man as the panic attack began to subside after a few minutes. "It's all my fault."

"No, it's not. No one knew what would've happened." Jimin was in such a state of shock as well, unable to even cry. He couldn't process any of what had happened.

"It should've been me. In the end, I was so stupid. If I had done something else, anything else-"

"You're having survivor's guilt-"

"Y/N should be standing here. Not me." He looked to your corpse, feeling sick to his stomach. "I should be that right now. I went up to Jashwi, and then refused my leader's orders when she tried to warn me. If I hadn't done that none of this would've happened..."

"It was an honest mistake."

"This one cost someone their life," Jungkook cut in sharply. He took in a deep breath. "This is all my fault."

"We need to stop wallowing in our pity and go find the sick bastards," Hoseok interjected. "What're we waiting for? Why don't we just dive in after them?"

"Agent A..." Jimin trails off, his voice wary.

"No, don't you 'Agent A' me. It's Hoseok. We're friends. That's the last thing she said, right? We're friends. Not just coworkers." Hoseok stared down at the water bitterly. "And friends don't let other friends die in vain. She was the closest thing I had to family, and now that's taken away, too."

"We can't rush into things without thinking rationally," Namjoon reminded him.

"Fuck rationality! They just killed my best friend, and I'll kill the sick sons of bitches myself if I have to!" Hoseok shoved Namjoon's comforting touch off of him, flinching away, boiling. "What're you going to say to change my mind?"

Namjoon's gaze softened. "Are we really just going to leave Y/N here? Are we going to abandon her? In the heat?"

Everyone quieted down at that, lowering their gazes in shame. Perhaps some of them were being too self-focused on their own misery.

"We should get her home," Yoongi says, sucking in a shaky breath. He leans forward, using his sleeve to clean your face a bit, wiping away the blood so they could see your face clearly. "It's the least she deserves, and she... she deserved... Well, she deserves more than this." His voice cracked mid-sentence as he tried to choke back tears. Despite how often he'd tell you he hated you or how you annoyed him or to leave him alone... He didn't mean any of it. He just wished he made sure you knew that. Now it was too late.

Taehyung's quiet, trying to force himself to look at you. Never had he seen you with such a blank expression. With a shaky hand, he pushes some hair out of your face, lips trembling.

"She deserved the world."

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computerguideworld-blog · 5 years

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5 Real Computer Hacks You Didn't Realize Were Possible

New Post has been published on https://computerguideto.com/must-see/5-real-computer-hacks-you-didnt-realize-were-possible/

5 Real Computer Hacks You Didn't Realize Were Possible

If Hollywood is to be believed, every single thing around you can be hacked. Is your home heated with natural gas? All a hacker needs is a Die Hard movie and a computer to blow that shit up like a volcanic eruption. Do you use a smartphone? Uh oh — a sufficiently skilled hacker can detonate that thing like a hand grenade.

We all like to point and laugh at the ridiculousness of Hollywood computer crime, but here’s the thing: With everything around you, from guns to doctors to airplanes, growing ever more connected in what nerd-types call “the internet of things,” Hollywood’s “everything is hackable” trope is becoming less dumb every day. For instance …

Electronic Billboards Can Be Easily Hacked (To Play Porn)

via Tech Crunch

Electronic billboards, aka the bane of every poor bastard unlucky enough to work a shift that requires driving home after sunset, are gradually spreading to every intersection in America. Normally the image they’re searing into your retinas is informing you where to buy a new Ford or how many appetizers you can get at T.G.I. Friday’s for $10, but one spring Saturday in 2015 at an upscale neighborhood in Atlanta, commuters and diners at a pizza joint were instead treated to the presumably unappetizing image of a giant splayed asshole.

via IBTimes “Gr- Grandpa?”

A concerned driver called 911 to report the “totally disgusting” image, and the FBI kicked off an immediate investigation, because apparently the FBI’s time is much less valuable than we previously assumed. It turns out all it takes to hack into one of these eye-broiling behemoths is to track down its web interface, type in a password that the sign’s owner probably never changed from the default, and boom! You’re free to put a gigantic floppy anus on display for the world in glorious, larger-than-life LED.

And this isn’t an isolated incident. Back in 2010, downtown Moscow traffic came to a standstill when a giant billboard displayed hardcore porn and drivers found themselves with a sudden shortage of hands for driving. More recently, a public billboard at a bus stop in Sweden displayed a continuous porn feed as a group of men huddled in close to watch (but not too close, because that would be weird). More recently, a hacker known only as Johnny Cockring used the aforementioned default credentials to hack into two Alabama billboards and upload Photoshopped images of then-presidential-hopeful Marco Rubio in hardcore gay porn:

Twitter/Cockring_Johnny Scads of Alabama commuters are still unconsciously humming “Y.M.C.A.”

So, yeah — all you need is a set of default login credentials and an adorable hacker name and you can break into one of these electronic eyesores and really brighten up someone’s evening commute.

Remote Surgery Bots Can Be Hacked To Murder You Mid-Operation

University of Washington

It’s a staple of science fiction that future doctoring will be entirely offloaded to robots, because an electronic surgeon probably can’t go on a three-day Kahlua bender just before digging into your sensitive heart meat. And while we’re not at the level of fully robotic doctors yet, we are making great strides in that direction. For instance, surgeons can’t always be where a necessary surgery is needed, but they can tinker with your innards from thousands of miles away via remote-operated robots. The first such procedure took place in 2001 (a fitting year for technological breakthroughs), when a surgeon in New York removed a gall bladder from a patient in Strasbourg, France. That’s some next-level Captain Picard future shit.

iStock/UberImages “What level are you on?” “Digestive tract, but I can’t beat the cancer boss.”

Luckily for that patient, there was no hacker standing by to carve his Xbox Live name into the patient’s liver. But while the dedicated fiber connection used for that surgery would have prevented such shenanigans, it’s since become clear that the internet is a much cheaper means of linkage. And when has relying on the internet ever gone horribly wrong?

Researchers led by Tamara Bonaci at the University of Washington demonstrated that, with some fairly simple remote hijacking hijinks, they could make a Raven II surgical robot’s arms twitch like it hasn’t gotten its digital meth fix. Worse still, they could just as easily take total control of the robot using their knowledge of the Interoperable Telesurgery Protocol … the specs of which are freely available to any random asshat who’d like to brush up on the ins and outs of long-distance slicing and dicing.

SRI International “Med school’s for noobz.”

This means that, rather than your life being in the hands of a doctor with years of training, you could be at the mercy of a misanthropic hacker, a jilted lover seeking revenge on your fun bits, or a bored teenager looking to use your heaving carcass to play Surgeon Simulator minus the “simulator” part.

Bossa Studios “Oopsie! Where’s the restart button?”

As an added bonus, Bonaci’s team discovered that the robot’s video feed was publicly accessible. So the most horrifying prospect of all is that someone could intercept your hemorrhoid surgery, set it to the tune of Selena Gomez’s “Hands To Myself,” and turn it into a viral YouTube sensation (or put it on an electronic billboard).

Sound Waves Can Steal Data From Your Computer

Key45/Wiki Commons

Given today’s online environment of Fappenings and commonplace credit card account breaches and entire hospitals being locked out of their own computer systems by ransomware, there are probably those among you who yearn for the olden days, when getting online meant enduring the death howls of your dial-up modem screaming at AOL to allow you to check your ever-loving email. If you happen to be in that camp, we have bad news for you: Even if you stomp your Wi-Fi router into unrecognizable shards of plastic in a vigorous attempt to become a digital recluse, it won’t be enough. Not when every computer comes equipped with the capability to sing your most sensitive information to a nefarious hacker.

Back in 2013, German researchers at the Fraunhofer Institute For Communication, Information Processing, And Ergonomics produced a proof-of-concept malware capable of transmitting data via sound waves outside the normal range of human hearing. Using standard laptop speakers, the researchers were able to transmit sensitive data such as passwords for distances up to 65 feet. That may not sound overly impressive, but this range increases greatly when multiple infected devices are employed to repeat their whispers to one another in an “acoustical mesh network,” like a game of Telephone in which the ultimate payoff is not a hilariously jumbled story but your un-hilariously un-jumbled bank account and Social Security number.

Thierry Dugnolle/Wiki Commons “0 … 4 … 8 … purple monkey dishwasher …”

Then, in 2015, security expert Ang Cui pushed the concept a step further by altogether eliminating the need for speakers and all-too-whimsically dubbing the resulting technology “Funtenna.” By inserting just seven lines of code into the meager brain of an off-the-shelf laser printer, Cui was able to fiddle with its electromechanical components and effectively transform the printer into a radio transmitter.

Though the resulting signal was weak (printers were designed to produce hard copies of school reports and teenage poetry, not output radio signals), it could easily be picked up from outside a building by an AM radio receiver or a geophone — a device readily available on Amazon for use in ghost-hunting, of all things. Of course, the only ghost being hunted in this case is that of Ben Franklin. So an enterprising hacker could theoretically steal every piece of data on your computer using nothing but your on-board speakers, and you wouldn’t even hear it happening.

A Sniper Rifle Can Be Aimed And Disabled Via Wi-Fi

Lee Hutchinson/ARS Technica

Becoming a sniper requires rigorous training, tip-top physical fitness, perfect vision, and a brain like a calculator to factor even the most minute environmental variables into every single shot. Of course, if you have an uncontrollable urge to remotely perforate things and quality-used-car amounts of cash burning a hole through your bank account, you could also just buy a computerized sniper rifle from TrackingPoint, because being able to order mile-away murder over the internet is the world in which we now live.

Lee Hutchinson/ARS Technica “I’ll pay double for a nut-shot guarantee.”

Each rifle in TrackingPoint’s Linux-powered lineup comes equipped with a hi-tech scope that weaponizes math for you. Much like an accountant who depends on QuickBooks to do all the actual accounting, these rifles use “the same lock-and-launch technology found in military fighter jets” to “help shooters of any skill level shoot better than the best shooters who ever lived,” according to their website. Because guns were apparently not quite easy enough to use. While that in itself sounds downright liquid-terror-shit-inducing, if you spotted the mention of “Linux-powered” a moment ago you’ve probably already inferred that the real danger comes not from the man holding the gun but from his technologically savvy douchebag of a neighbor.

Lee Hutchinson/ARS Technica Complete with d-bag shades.

Security researchers and happily married couple Runa Sandvik and Michael Auger (because the couple that hacks together stays together) spent a year hacking into a pair of TrackingPoint’s $13,000 self-aiming rifles just to see what they could make them do. And the results are alarming: After compromising the rifle via its Wi-Fi connection (for those wondering why a rifle has Wi-Fi: It’s so you can stream video of your shot to Facebook, which we’re pretty sure is the Seventh Seal), the researchers were able to fiddle with variables such as wind, temperature, and the weight of the ammunition to remotely re-aim the rifle wherever they damn well pleased.

In one demonstration, they caused the rifle to miss an intended target by more than two feet by simply cranking up the ammunition’s weight value. The couple could even remotely disable the rifle’s firing pin, essentially transforming it into the world’s most expensive Metal Gear Solid cosplay accessory. One thing they could not do, thankfully, was actually fire the rifle remotely — there’s a mechanism in place requiring a manual trigger pull in order to make big gun go boom. Because, you know, safety first.

A Plane Can Be Hijacked Mid-Flight (With A Laptop)

iStock/kasto80

In the movies, a laptop is like an enchanted fucking talisman. With it, you have the power to make traffic signals succumb to your will. You can heftily inflate your bank account with one forceful flick of the Enter key. You can cause the commercial airliner on which you’re sitting to do a sick-ass loop and head straight back to Syracuse to retrieve your forgotten disco pants.

OK, we may have just reached the pinnacle of faux-hacking absurdity with that last one. There is no possible way you can simply whip out a laptop and remotely commandeer a commercial airliner’s flight controls … unless, that is, you’re (former) cyber-security wizard Chris Roberts. Then you can absolutely do that exact thing.

Fox News You can also grow the shit out of a wizard beard.

After getting enthusiastically booted from a United Airlines flight in April of 2015 for jokingly tweeting his intent to hack the plane and activate its emergency oxygen masks, Roberts’ previous discussions with the FBI regarding his concerns about the rampant hackability of commercial passenger flights came to light. In fact, an FBI search warrant details how Roberts hacked into the in-flight entertainment systems of various airplanes up to 20 times between 2011 and 2014.

If you’re thinking he just wanted to watch Pacific Rim without coughing up his credit card number, think again. You see, on certain plane models, the in-flight entertainment systems were inexplicably connected to the cabin control systems, which in turn were even more inexplicably connected to the plane avionics systems. That’s how, according to the FBI documents, Roberts was once able to issue a climb command to one of the airplane’s engines, “resulting in a lateral or sideways movement of the plane during one of these flights.” That’s right — Roberts, using a laptop from his seat in coach, was able to make the airplane fucking move.

iStock/Lilyana Vynogradova “I’m just trying to rock the crying baby in 14A to sleep.”

For his part, Roberts claimed that he only ever accessed engine controls in flight simulations, not while aboard actual flying jetliners brimming with jet fuel and a hundred other passengers. But then that’s precisely what we’d expect a guy who revved up a jet engine just for laughs to say.

Alex creates biopunk dystopias here and dream thrillers here.

What’s The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we’re not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it’s a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!

For more ways to tap into the Matrix, check out 5 Hacking Myths Dispelled By A Real Hacker and 6 Real Cyber Attacks Straight Out Of A Bad Hacker Movie.

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