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sugar-omi · 10 months

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Hi Naeomi!

I have a Baxter ask, but it might be a bit angst? It's all good if you are not comfortable doing it 🤗🤗

I was wondering how Baxter would react to an MC who is kind, goofy, and easygoing with her friends but not to everyone. When Baxter goes to say, "You dont have to go out with me just to be polite--" MC scoffs, "Please, I would never date a boy I didn't like just to be polite." Seeing Baxter's surprised expression, my nervous MC laughs and goes on. "But I like you, so..." Or Baxter would tell her she's too kind or nice after giving him a compliment or treating well on a date, and she would chuckle, "No, no I'm not."

MC had a hard time in school during puberty (as in mean gossip, boys brazenly checking her out and making comments, and small instances of bullying for being 'different'). That is the MC's history, and she has learned from Liz how to stand up for herself and not let anyone disrespect her--she has instilled a mean girl essence in herself with the most cutthroat comeback that has Cove recoil at her side (she has him cover his ears for this reason).

MC finishes high school with a jaded view of boys (except for Cove and Derek, her standards are high because of how kind and sweet these two are) and developed a bit of a sharp tongue when angry, something she is not proud of. And when MC meets Baxter, her crush from 5 years old, she is nervous and blushy and treats him with the utmost consideration. She worries that Baxter would see her spitting vemon one day and not like her anymore.

crying...... your mc reminds me of myself as well bc I'm also jaded n mean sometimes 😬 I will see your mc's in therapy LOL

anyway here you go anon<333 also I had fem reader in mind but I realize it's not very implied either so I hope that's OK

n i will edit the format a bit later bc I'm on my phone again 👍👍 ALSO NEW HEADER WHAT DO WE THINK it's suppose to be coves tattoo but I shrieked it bc I didn't like how bulky it was but now I feel like u can't tell it's the ocean so.... I try I try

tags: hurt/comfort, ok for fem/masc/nb readers, shy/nervous reader, mentions of bullying/harassment, headcanons at the bottom ft step 4, perhaps I'm using this to tell everyone that I think baxter finds assertiveness/"mean"!mc attractive but we won't talk abt that <3333

the first time baxter hears about the issues you had in the past, it was when your cousin laughed about how you look like a cinnamon roll but you slapped a guy hard enough his nose bled.

baxter took note of how your face scrunched up, and you looked at him to scout out how baxter reacted to the comment.

you mutter something quickly, "he deserved it. anyway..."

the mood was a little damp for a moment after that, the joke not well received because of the new addition and baxter felt bad that you had worries about how he'd take what Lee said.

after your group parted ways, and before you could retreat to your bedroom, baxter stopped you.

"forgive me if my words are unwanted, but... if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here." his voice was soothing, but his pitiful gaze was off putting...

you did appreciate the gesture, baxter is always so considerate but you didn't want him to feel bad for you. you didn't want him to know how vulnerable you were.

when you were still in school, all the bullying had you feeling like a stray ally cat in front of a pack of dogs.

you didn't want baxter to know about the rougher side of you...

after that, baxter starts to notice your mannerisms even more.

you just nod and thank him, hugging him goodnight.

one morning, you brought him a breakfast sandwich and coffee.

"you spoil me y/n. who knew sunset bird was hiding such lovely people."

you just laugh humorlessly, no shyness or humility in it just a pained expression. "I try, glad to know I'm doing good..."

baxter smiles, trying to bring back your good mood. "you are. that must be why cove gravitates to you so much."

you laugh a bit, thinking about your clingy neighbor. "maybe, but he's the sweetest between the two of us. cove always takes care of me, more than I do him in fact.."

when he's in your living room and you're fluttering around the house with haste and fretting over every detail...

baxter doubts that, thinking about how the stories of your childhood he heard from your family and cove when you graciously invited him on the boat trip.

"no need to be humble. now, shall we eat together?"

when he first showed up, you were in a tank top and leggings, but after seating baxter and leaving him with a bottle of water you ran upstairs to get ready and came back in shorts and flowy top in your favorite color.

not that baxter minded, you were beautiful. but you were comfortable before, and it was the middle of the day, so why the sudden change of clothes?

then it was how jittery you were while making some tea, hovering over the pot and fixing baxter's cup diligently.

"y/n..." baxter decides to approach this lightly.

"yes?" you smile but it doesn't reach your eyes. you look so worried, like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"can we talk about what's going on? I don't mean to intrude, I know I'm only here for the summer.."

the reminder stings you but you listen on.

"but you're still someone dear to me, so if it's something you don't mind sharing, I'd like to know what'd bothering you. I want to help, y/n..." baxter places his hand on top of yours.

you swallow but inhale and prepare to tell him enough to paint the picture, at least.

"i.. don't want you to hate me." you hang your head. "i like you so much, baxter. I'm worried that my jaded view will make you run away..."

baxter nods, choosing his next words carefully.

he brings you into his side, holding your hand and the pressure is grounding.

"nothing like that can make me dislike you y/n. of anything, I like you even more." baxter grins at your surprised expression.

"there's nothing wrong with you for being assertive when defending yourself." baxter smiles soothingly and he decides to bring up a moment of weakness he had early in the summer.

"remember when I was a half asleep mess when we went to get drinks that day?"

you nod.

"its like that, I'm not always so prim and proper." baxter laughs, ignoring the flush of his face as he recounts the blunder. "just like I'm a mess in the mornings, you can be a bit snappy but it's all about the situation."

you grin and let out a watery laugh. "are you seriously comparing your inability to be a functioning human in the morning to me being mean when someone pisses me off?"

he grins shamelessly. although with the blush on his face, perhaps bacter feels a bit more humble than usual. "perhaps."

you laugh loudly, "you are!"

baxter grins. "it worked didn't it?"

you nod, wrapping your arms around him, allowing yourself to melt into his body as he hugs you back. "yeah.. yeah it did. thanks baxter..."

baxter loves when you stand up for yourself

seeing you snap at some douchebag hitting on you at the bar even though you said you have a boyfriend and he's right here?!

finds it hot when you're angry

always reassures you that you don't need to bring him breakfast in bed every day for the rest of his life just bc he saw you snap at some nosy Karen after she made a nasty comment about your outfit

it's a beach, what does she expect people to wear???

don't verbally or physically beat someone in front of him bc he Will kiss you

"fuck off! I'm not interested asshole!!"

baxter, heart eyes: "please kiss me, do u wanna get married?????"

#our life: beginnings & always #olba #our life baxter #baxter ward #baxter ward x reader #baxter x reader #baxter dlc #baxter ward x mc #olba baxter #baxter our life

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thegeminisage · 3 months

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it IS tng update time. saturday we watched "relics" and "schisms" and last night* we did "true q" and "rascals."

*times altered bc as usual im typing this up late at night

relics:

oh boy. ohhh my god

so like, i'd like to preface this with: i am not a scotty stan or anything. don't get me wrong i love the guy and i'm fascinated by the way he tricked me into thinking he had all ten fingers. like he's v fun and all. but im not like Extremely Emotionally Invested In Scotty. all right. that said

I CRIED. LIKE A BABY. no one was more shocked than i was. actually i'm sure catherine was not shocked at all

i didn't cry when he first showed up which is what i suaully do when i see spock. no, no, no, no. it was when he went to the holodeck and created the fucking BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. and they played the main theme!!! the sound effects were even the same!!!!!!! and like all his friends are dead now except spock and bones and bones frankly has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO UPSET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

chronologically, this is also the last time we'll ever see a tos cast member coming back to reprise their role except for aos spock and um. an appearance which i do not wish to discuss now or ever. anyway it's definitely the last time in tng proper. and like yeah we have aos and snw and everything but those guys arent the OGs. AUGH.

also wah him saying the doctors are prettier on this enterprise. thats SO MEAN TO BONES………………….i miss him so bad and he's WAY prettier than beverly sorry beverly

i definitely wanted to kill geordi for yelling at scotty when he tried to tell his old man stories. im glad they hung out for the rest of the episode and that geordi treated him really niceys but it still felt a teensy bit patronizing of him at first like he was just doing it because picard told him to make scotty feel useful

THAT SAID. for once, i am pro picard, because picard is a giant nerd and he wanted to listen to scotty's old man stories as much as i did. not that i got to enjoy them while being blinded by tears. i'm actually genuinely tearing up right now while typing this just thinking about it. i think it was genuinely compassionate for picard to want to give scotty something he could genuinely help with in a way that WASN'T patronizing. like old people are just regular people you know. we all get old one day if we're lucky

spotted scotty's missing finger twice, which is two more times than i spotted it in my original watch of tos.

he remembered how to hide the missing finger (mostly) but forgot how to do his fake scottish accent. in his defense it's been ages and he was old but it was still funny

synthehol is wack. it's just another way in which there's no work-life boundary in tng. you're always on call, so you can never get drunk. you will NEVER have personal time aboard this ship. they can call you in your son's parent-teacher meeting. they can call you during birthday parties. you cannot raise your children here. but they do. anyway.

IT'S GREEN!!! i remember seeing a gifset of data floating around saying that to somebody, and then later i saw a gifset of scotty saying it in tos, but i didn't realize data was talking TO SOCTTY i thought it was just a reference!!!!!!! there were actually sooo many tos references in this episode, i was so pleased to hav caught them all <3

looooooved the dyson sphere. that was genuinely so fucking fascinating and it was the b plot!!!!! why can't it be the a plot!!!! it was so cool looking

i thot for a sec they were gonna kill scotty at the end and got REALLY worried but they didn't and he decided not to retire after all and good for him <3

anyway. that cry felt like a full-body workout. horrific.

schisms:

OFF GOES RIKER TO THE COFFEE SHOP

i waited so long to see the episode that gifset is from and it did NOT disappoint

my one sour note re: this ep was the beginning with data's poetry. can we please be nice to him and not loudly fall asleep in the front row. i know the circumstances are highly extenuating. i of all people understand sleep deprivation, which i am currently experiencing even as i type. but that was just rude!!! could he not have simply explained he was unwell and unable to attend!!!!!!! the crowd being restless was terrible. if you simply tell him that he has to have a limit on his poems he would understand. i'm glad geordi was an honest critic when data asked later but i would have liked to see data's results after incorporating his feedback. ok anyway

firstly, i loved when a little guy is sleep deprived. it was great when sam winchester did it and also great when riker does it

SECONDLY, that whole sequence with the table was fucking insane. everything getting darker and darker both literally and metaphorically and deanna starting to look uneasy near the end and riker's eyes being ABSOLUTELY HAUNTED and that table was basically like a chair, anyway

when they were like "yeah the aliens cut off your arm and reattached it" READER I HOLLERED. you can't just put a guy on a chair and tear his arm off and then make him forget stuff. please. it's been nearly 10 years.

when he's like theyre gonna take me again whether i want them to or not. yeah man they sure are. this isn't quite riker roulette but it is definitely adjacent

i think the best cure for insomnia is to be absolutely terrified of going to bed because you're still in uniform and have a tracking device on you because you are about to get abducted by fucking aliens. who could resist sleep after that.

i did wonder why he laid on the table so long before attempting his escape when time was precious but i doubt i could have done any better in his shoes. i sure did love the way that knife thing hung right above his neck though. i'm pretty sure we spent that entire scene hollering DISMEMBER HIM. TRAUMATIZE HIM!! and then they didn't <3 but i'm not even mad about it

anyway. 10/10 episode they need more space horror in star trek bc it's always fun. i remember reading that tos was originally meant to be space horror-y, but i found the pacing of those earliest episodes waaaay too slow. i want a star trek show with more dismemberment though.

true q:

mistakenly thot this episode was named qpid (got it mixed up) and was hoping for more of q wanting to fuck picard to so bad it makes him look stupid but all we got was one little arm around his shoulder. which was REALLLY funny because picard instantly made a face like he'd eaten sour lemon but we deserved more. to reiterate i do NOT want them to fuck i think the dynamic of q wanting to fuck and picard preferring to die first is the funniest possible set of circumstances

instead, q constantly displays predatory body language towards this EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. he leans really close to her and whispers in her ear and all that stuff and i did Not like it

i kept waiting for this girl to secretly be his child, or for her parents to have once been friends with him, but they literally were just randos to each other. disappointing, especially after he vanished while she was having her emotional moment on seeing their faces

where do the puppies go when she vanishes them? do they cease to exist?? did she just kill 12 puppies on screen???? too horrible to contemplate. i wish i could make kittens out of thin air though. actually that would be a terrible power the world is overpopulated with kittens as it is but STILL.

i want to know more about the weather altering net. we could have an entire episode about that alone. you just...got rid of tornadoes? and forest fires? did you fix climate change??

riker almost being killed by an empty barrel sent me into fits. they didn't strap them down after what happened to worf? this spaceship gets jostled horrifically EVERY EPISODE. what are they thinking!!!!!!!!!

RIKER ROULETTE STRIKES AGAIN. her bringing him to the alternate dimension and trying to lay on the moves was bad enough but using her powers to MAKE HIM START KISSING HER? HELLO???? i'm still mad they wrote an episode about rape and just used it for deanna fetish fuel instead of actually discussing what this poor guy goes through. why is it somehow ok/not noteworthy when it's men. come on now

it was kind of silly to have this girl go "no way im a human forever" and then immediately solve climate change on this other planet because her lil crush (/VICTIM???) was down there. like that was so rushed and weird

ultimately not a very good episode. i only like one thing about q and they did NOT deliver. he was also a misogynist to beverly once...like, die

rascals:

this got a 1 on letswatchstartrek.com and i simply disagree. i would have given it a 2 or mmmaybe 3. well no probably a 2 but STILL. first of all, tng's children are ALWAYS charming, and these guys were no exception, save possibly the kid who was playing picard, who was fine until the tantrum scene/riker's son bit, at which point i wanted to die

i never want to hear riker say daddy again.

i HAAAATE the ferengi theyre racist theyre misogynist i HATE THEM.

i felt like there was a missed opportunity with obrien and keiko to have him be cool about it, instead of awkward like everyone else. like i obviously dont think they should be canoodling or anything, gross, but there's nothing wrong with a little platonic compassion. he got there in the end ig but idk it would've made a nice contrast

how old is their fucking baby??? i just looked it up and she was born at the beginning of season 5...her ass is NOT old enough to be talking yet let alone full complete clear sentences??????

anyway speaking of compassion............GUINAN AND RO

i actually unironically loved ro's little arc here. anyone who had a shitty childhood will tell you they'd cut off their arm before going back, but she had to go back anyway, and guinan neither pitied her nor minimized anything she'd gone through. instead she got to occupy that space in a totally harmless way and receive a little closure. while the rest of this episode was okay-ish to maybe less than okayish (i NEVER want to hear riker say daddy EVER again) ro's little bit was so so so good.

re: ro...i love that we don't constantly bring her past and situation up as if it's the only thing about her but nor do we shy away from it and how it's shaped her and the narrative has never once suggested she's too harsh or too angry or whatever. of course with a season and a half left there's still time to ruin it but so far her whole thing has been one of the very few instances where tng is doing everything wonderfully.

NEXT TIME: "a fistful of datas" (noooo it's a holodeck episode) and "the quality of life."

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #i hope im not at work when this posts but u never know.

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waitingforeddyneddy · 5 months

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His fans are so funny to me cause we watched them for a year and a half saying ‘he gets invited but he doesn’t go bc these things are not important to him, he would rather go to the theater. he’s an ACTOR, he’s not in it for the fame unlike the others. he’s too booked to be attending events.’ Then the wimbledon pics dropped and boom, radio silence. And now that he’s everywhere to the point of being overexposed, his fans are too happy to be fed to realize their hypocrisy. Bc the truth is that he does like fame, he does like the clout of being associated with famous people, he does want to campaign hard to win nominations. He isn’t above any of it like the rest. The only reason why he didn’t do it before is bc he didn’t think he could benefit from it. People like pretending that he was mistreated like Simone but we have heard from different people how he was the most respected on set. He was allowed to go do a play instead of promo and film multiple projects during S3 shoot not bc there was not enough for him to do but bc he had enough clout that he could go do other things that would benefit him more. Isn’t it very telling that during S2 promo, he chose to do only solo promo that would benefit him and his play when he was working with someone who wasn’t very popular and now that he’s working with famous people, he has no problem tagging along with them everywhere. This is someone who often visits his fan pages and takes pics from them so he does like the attention. I’ve always believed that the 4 times he’s mentioned Simone on insta was to make his fans happy and not for her and now that he has bigger projects, he doesn’t have to ever mention her at all again. I don’t think he mistreated Simone on set but he was absolutely in a position to help her out more on set and during promo the way Leonardo DiCaprio is using his position to hype Lily Gladstone or even how Matt is hyping him up now. But he preferred to only focus on himself and build his profile instead of working as a team. It will always rub me the wrong way how he always brought up cc when someone mentioned Simone. His fans will say he’s just supportive but he could have also mentioned nc and others then if he was just trying to be nice. The truth is that he never saw her as his leading lady, he never thought of them as a team, he was the lead and they were both his love interest. That nomination post will always bother me. The way he tagged both Simone and cc as the ducks, how he posted a bts pic of kissing cc but only a still with Simone. I’m very happy Simone doesn’t associate with him. She deserves better coworkers who will treat as an equal and will want to hype her up.

ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I COULD CRY

I'm so happy today i'm receiving so many asks by people who are so eloquent at explainign why I really, really dislike this guy and why it bothers me so much that delusional people called him and Simone besties. There's really not much to add, you said everything. He was a shitty, shitty coworker, I don't think he mistreated her on set as you said, but he never viewed her as a his leading lady. Nobody did in that production. I can't wait for June to come so Simone can be free.

Also thank you for exposing his and his fans hypocrisy

#simone ashley #jonathan bailey #bridgerton #kanthony #asks

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onsunnyside · 1 year

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Okay but like. Micheal Myers. But it’s Ari.

but he actually talks and it's more of dark!ari is obsessed with his neighbour and stalks her 🥸 conveniently leaving his apartment when you arrive at yours, only to see you've been burglarized !! all of your valuables are gone, and your entire apartment is ransacked !! you have no family or friends nearby to stay with bc you just moved to the city (me also thinks Ari manipulated you into dropping all of your friends too 🫡🫡 “they don’t treat you right, honey. They’re just using you” or something to make you think he’s your only real friend) and money was already tight so a hotel was out of the question.

"I'll pay for it," Ari says, rubbing up and down your back as you sit on your torn-up couch, mourning the loss of everything, well, your little everything anyway. You didn’t have much. “Put you up in a nice place, somewhere you can relax while the cops deal with this.”

"I can't ask you to do that."

"You aren't asking, I'm offering." He hesitates before grabbing your shaking hands. He holds them, his palms warm against your cold skin. “Let me help you, sweetheart.”

"But what if they were looking for me?" You peer up at him with tears in your eyes, "what if I was home when they came and—and they—” Your voice breaks into a sob.

Poor girl. Ari wraps you in his arms, letting you cry into his shirt. "I have a cabin out by the lake, you can stay there until you feel safe again.”

And in the days you stay at his cabin, you can’t help but feel like you’re being watched 🫡 one day you come back from a walk to see the door wide open and all of your belongings are missing, yet the rest of the furniture/things in the cabin are fine. You believe it’s the same people who robbed your apartment and they found you again—and in a distressed state, you beg Ari to come stay with you.

this has very much basement wife potential. Ari takes you, a scared, broken woman with no hope, no family and friends and makes you into his perfect girl.

#slutty nutty party #Ari wants a basement wife au #<- I don’t know what else to call it #johnny simpfinger<3 #sonnysprompts #sonny drabbles #tw dark

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dnangelic · 4 months

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IM DONE WITH THE FIRST LN..... it was rlly cute and idk how much i trust my summarizing skills (or google translate wheelchairing me thru everything) but ill try, disclaimer that not all of this will necessarily be in perfect detail or order bc i'm horrible at that but it's a gist(tm). LNs take place really early on in the series so daisuke still likes risa and hasn't properly figured out he likes riku yet, dark is WAAAAY more of a creep, etc. also putting it under a read more because it's enormous. open at your own discretion, this is ~200 pages condensed into one post

first few chapters is mostly shenanigans/general chara introductions and setting up the fact daisuke's class is doing a sleeping beauty school play. risa's the princess, hiwatari's the prince, daisuke and riku are basically fairy extras, but daisuke is also the last fairy with important lines that basically help to wake up the princess in the end. in the midst of all this daisuke transforms a couple of times but mostly keeps control of his body, clumsy gap moe darksuke stuff ensues, dark in his head even tells dai to go have some fun and daisuke snaps back that fun for dark is either stealing or flirting with girls and he's NOT doing any of that. 😂

daisuke kind of huffs and mopes about what's going on between him and dark a bunch, with dark 'stealing' risa away from him and simultaneously taking over his entire life, to which emiko offers to listen but daiki tells her that 'a confrontation with dark is a confrontation with oneself' and 'there's nothing you can do.' there's also this very nice passage about dark and his relationship with the artworks that happens:

daisuke was looking at the weathervane spinning on the roof of a certain western-style building. there are many buildings like this, which have both a profound sense of history and delicate beauty in the area where daisuke lives. as his mother once said, the townscape was perfect for a gorgeous phantom thief. these are precious objects that survived an era when art in general was treated badly by the rapid development of science and technology, and the people who used it. as works of art and the techniques used to create them were lost, their rarity value and prices soared, and now they were treated with more respect than before. daisuke had heard stories like this from his grandfather and mother. most of what dark aims for is something imbued with that lost technique. however, these items are not sold and are still sleeping in the basement of the niwa family's house. high tech is progressing in areas that can't be seen, and efforts are being made to prevent intrusions by unscrupulous people. ironically, the same science and technology that eliminated traditional crafts and their techniques are now being used to protect what little beauty and skill that remains. for daisuke, who transformed into dark, breaking through multiple security devices and traps to steal wasn't difficult to do. but how to earn the heart of the one he loved?

daisuke also misses kosuke (his dad) a whole bunch cause he isn't home yet and is still on a trip (he doesn't even know what his dad is really doing,) cue this portion too about his personal anxieties. interesting bits about how daisuke's family doesn't mind how daisuke does at school/goes as long as he prioritizes his skills as a phantom thief because a certain level of educational mastery is needed. daisuke wonders to himself whether or not his mom and grandpa would 'cry again if he asked them to be sensible' lmao.

anyways, emiko pulls out a couple of date tickets to a newly built aquarium/museum called the aqua dome/deep blue, says she'll pick out a cute and cool outfit for daisuke, dark offers to go in daisuke's stead, daisuke tells both of them to shut up and says that he can do it all himself. 'i'll never let you go!' he tells dark. at the aquarium itself it turns out the two tickets that emiko gave him provides admittance for two people per single ticket, so even though he expected a solo date with risa, riku and saehara show up too.

riku actually gets a lot of character focus for being 'strong' and not 'cute' like risa. she's simultaneously insecure/jealous but considerate of risa while risa likewise complains that no matter what she does, she'll still be the younger one with an older sister, and that can't change. riku's sense of conflict over liking daisuke while daisuke (at this point) still likes risa is described as her feeling both a 'burning feeling' and also being 'cold and dark as ice,' which i liked, given the way dnangel usually handles that thematic.

everybody (riku, risa, daisuke, and saehara) goes to a haunted house attraction. daisuke is willing to go because he thinks it's a good chance to show off his cool side since he's a pro at walking in the dark. there's a mechanical 'killer' that chases anybody in the haunted house, which daisuke immediately figures out in regards to how it functions. riku and daisuke also have a sweet moment where in the pitch dark daisuke starts shaking because he's terrified he's suddenly transformed, (he didn't) and gets misunderstood for constantly looking at the emergency exit, but riku grabs his hand and tells him everything's okay in a big sister-ly way, even though she's actually really afraid of blood and is trying to act tough to comfort/encourage him. she tells him not to be afraid because she's with him, daisuke says thanks then grabs her hand back. 'her hands, still a little smaller than the small daisuke's, stopped shaking a little.' 😭😭😭

they leave the haunted house attraction and figure out that saehara has pretty much gone off on his own. saehara comes across satoshi in a fancy suit inside an area 'modeled after some traditional opera house' (POTO REF POG) and satoshi gets described as 'some rich guy's bonbon' LMAO. wiz is also there and starts 'playing tag' with a guard. around the actual aquarium daisuke's having a great time, risa calls a sea otter cute and daisuke can't bring himself to say 'you're cuter,' which he's sure that someone like dark could have said without any embarrassment. (MY SON'S HIDDEN RIZZ!!)

daisuke finally gets to see the mermaid's tears (an artwork/red gemstones) being showcased at the bottom of the attraction, has this crazy moment:

'the reason for the "please do not lean over" warning on this fence is because the 3d light that is projected from the floor covering the mermaid's tears doubles as a sensor to detect intruders. the security device activates when the light is blocked. daisuke carefully listened as a security guard gave an explanation to two young women who were trying to touch the 3d mermaid.

that means we have to do something about security first.

reflexively thinking that, daisuke scratched his head and said 'no way, are even my thoughts turning into dark's?! i'm not going to turn into dark anymore!'

he screams internally while risa gets lost in the daydream sauce, they go to the gift shop, the great phantom dark is a broke ass middleschooler moment. all of the sudden, riku starts shouting at someone to give back risa's wallet- it's a pickpocket. daisuke's legs start moving as soon as he sees riku get pushed away and the pickpocket starts running. daisuke reminds himself he can't cause a commotion only as he's already tackling the guy, who he had absolutely no trouble catching up to/keeping up with. only, he's too small and there's no way he can compete with a grown man in strength, so he gets flung away. he stays where he is 'suppressing the urge' to throw a punch, hiwatari shows up above him sending security to catch the pickpocket, but also softly compliments daisuke for a 'great performance' while lending him a hand to stand up. turns out daisuke had stolen risa's wallet right back and still had it in his hand.

'what? ah ... ah .... '

it's obvious, after all. daisuke, holding risa's wallet in hand, could only laugh.

in fact, the split second daisuke was clinging to [the pickpocket,] he slipped the wallet out of the [pickpocket's] pocket, and just before he was hit by an elbow, he let go and fell. what he miscalculated was that he couldn't slow down enough and fell on his face. and then there was hiwatari. without him, this "perfect crime" would have been completed.

daisuke immediately starts considering satoshi and his own's circumstances.

'i once heard that people with cold hands have warm hearts. hiwatari is always alone. but is that what he wants? just like saehara, who is always chasing scoops, and like his classmates who attend cram school with their future in mind, i wonder if hiwatari is also trying to do something, at the expense of a normal, enjoyable school life. i wonder why he's going to such lengths to pursue dark.

even though i'm being chased, i have no goals. even though i'm just desperately struggling to escape from dark.

turns out deep blue if not the entire aqua dome was built Specifically with dark in mind, and that's why the area where the mermaid's tears' are is called the special exhibition room. daisuke bursts out laughing at the fact and hiwatari briefly touches him to ask if he's okay. daisuke blurts out asking if he wants to have fun too and hiwatari basically declines with nothing more than a 'faint, gentle smile' and a thank you. risa and riku rush over and start to fret over daisuke because his face has gotten all messed up; he tries to laugh it off and say 'it's no big deal' until riku's expression darkens and she asks him 'why are you being so reckless?'

even if someone asked me why, i couldn't answer because my body moved without any time to think.

(MY SON'S HIDDEN PROTAG SYNDROME!!) risa gets her wallet back and calls dai manly, dai gets rocketed into heaven just from that sole compliment. they go to the artificial beach that's part of the area, daisuke has a moment over risa and starts to transform.

daisuke ran as fast as he could, interrupting the love stories of the couples scattered on the beach. no matter how far you run, no matter how hard you run, your shadow will follow you. the strong midsummer sun gives the shadows a sense of presence. there is a clear boundary between light and shadow, but this is the opposite. what is shining is not the owner of this body, but dark, who's supposed to be a shadow...

... i'm embarrassed, pathetic, and angry because i was so excited. daisuke is always there. it's my other self who effortlessly accomplishes the things i want to do but can't.

dark walks out of the banyan forest daisuke had dived into and onto the beach like he's hot shit. unfortunately for everybody involved he is because the very first thing he does is start flirting with an icecream lady, who gives him an icecream cone 'about three times the height' of a normal ice cream cone, calling it a service. dark offers to give a picture or something in return to her btw, but she declines and only asks him to come again. dark says 'of course, i'll come to see you,' and winks swaggering off. he immediately hands off the icecream to some other girls who cling to his arms and bring up that he looks like dark, to which he has a total tony hawk moment.

'i thought i've seen you somewhere before, but don't you look like dark?' 'they look alike, it's so cool!' 'oh, did you find out? actually, i came to steal the mermaid's tears.' dark grinned, and the girls gaped for a moment, then burst out laughing. 'i almost believed it!' 'it's the truth.'

dark and risa have a moment, daisuke starts to fall into total despair. riku appears and dark hauls ass to transform back. everyone starts to leave the aqua dome because it's getting late, and it's riku and not risa who notices that daisuke is suddenly intensely depressed. he says he's fine and gives a half-hearted smile that looks like it's about to burst into tears, they fall into silence. cue a lovely image of daisuke staring blankly at the nighttime scenery. 'the image reflected in the window glass overlaps with the pitch-black town. without realizing it, he was gradually becoming darker.... daisuke couldn't escape.'

later in bed daisuke wakes up in a lot of pain to turn on the lights. he's relieved because 'instead of the beautiful phantom thief who is said to be more popular than idol celebrities, he saw a very ordinary face that is sometimes said to be cute.' turns out his back's hurting for the past few days harshly enough that he's getting sleep deprived. after transforming back from dark he fell about two meters (6~7 feet) and insists that he could have broken one or two bones if he weren't trained. emiko had laughed saying it was a product of his training, but for daisuke it wasn't any sort of laughing matter.

the pain is similar to the pain that occurs when transforming into dark. it slowly melts out from the core of the body. ugh, it hurts. it was a pain that felt like something was trying to forcibly reshape daisuke's body.

the next day at school saehara and daisuke start doing a manzai routine over wiz being caught transforming on camera. there's an ominous note in the midst of it regarding change: 'even if it transforms, then like a chrysalis, it won't go back to normal.' daisukes goes into the art room to finish on the last piece for the school play.

a forest of thorns covers sleeping beauty's castle. countless fingers that obstruct those who try to break the curse. i layered many kinds of dark colors on that forest. on her 15th birthday, sleeping beauty's future is suddenly closed to her, and her sadness is midnight blue. the thorns that cause anxiety are spruce green. the feeling of trapping despair is the same as dark's wings.

the glue made a clear shadow of daisuke on the test paper. the shadow of the brush that was creating the deep forest suddenly stopped moving.

it won't go back to normal. the curse can't be erased. i can't get those words out of my head. the only girl who can erase the curse is, of course, the only one who can see the curse itself. will i continue to be myself and no longer myself without anyone knowing?

hiwatari puts a hand on daisuke's shoulder as he's going unsteady and daisuke immediately says that he's fine, just not getting enough sleep- but also he hasn't made any progress on his homework, he has to memorize his lines, and he's being swayed by saehara. dai finally brings up that he's never really thought abut the future, and he immediately berates himself for talking about something like it in front of satoshi, who had excellent grades and was already part of the police force. hiwatari surprises him by saying 'me too, i've never though about the future. i've lived my life thinking only about one thing.' no further elaboration is given as hiwatari offers to help out and immediately picks out daisuke's coloring as 'the color of despair.'

daisuke laughed. i tried my best, but i ended up slipping up quite a bit. it's like i painted myself. like sleeping beauty, everything is taken away from her. her love, her body, even her future... she becomes dark and may never be able to return to her former self.

this might be a serious passage but daisuke comparing himself to a fairy tale princess is so funny and on point for me. YOU CAN DO THIS CHRISTINE!!! later after school emiko shows up with the entire aqua dome's cutaway floor plan, and daisuke has NO idea how she managed to get it but starts planning the heist out. everything is practically set against him; darkness is prevented, there's only one vent that's' too small to get through, and there are hidden passages not shown in the drawings. daisuke reaaally wants to stop being dark, dark himself yells NO!!! and emiko and daiki also barge out from the hallway to immediately berate him. 'don't be selfish! if you don't do it, who will? even though mother wanted to be dark, dai-chan just throws away his chance! that's terrible!'

daisuke shuts them out until they finally relent and his mother leaves him with a few last words of apology and this.

daisuke, don't blame dark for things you can't control yourself. i don't want to hear anymore about dark. daisuke covered his ears. what you're worried about now is nothing special. although it's a little different from what everyone else is having. don't be afraid. everyone notices their own carvings that they didn't know before. i'm going to go... his mother's voice did not reach daisuke.

emiko reminisces about her own mother telling her that while dark was never caught by the police and was sure that he had stolen a beautiful jewel, it was actually dark himself who had always been caught but never realized it.

several years have passed since then, and the time has come for the girl who wnated to be dark to be glad to be a girl. she meets the young man who will become daisuke's father and falls in love... the jewel in her heart shines like it's on firer. just for one person. you've already found your true treasure, right? aim for it. she imagined her son alone, waiting for the moment to take off into the great sky.

daisuke himself in the meanwhile is going thru it. he considers how his father can't be dark and wouldn't know dark, and likewise would be able to listen to daisuke's woes.

but where are you? when i woke up, my father wasn't home. that doesn't mean there were any problems, and judging from my mother's reactions, it seems like they were still passionately in love with each other. i've heard that he moves around the world for work, but i don't really know what kind of work he does. i can't believe that my father was also a thief...

...this may be the first time i've felt my father's absence so much. my mother and grandfather were enough to care for me, and even more, they always played with me when i got home. hide and seek, tag, and dogeball. survival versions with traps. ah, now that i think about it, i can only think that it was meant to help me escape when i became dark. once, when he was caught in a trap and injured, daisuke asked his grandfather, 'why do i have to do this?' now is not the time. when the young boy complained in tears, his grandfather flatly told him, ' the time will come when you understand.'

baby daisuke calls his grandpa a shitty old man (kuso jiji/くそじじ) which he apparently picked up through imitation from saehara without knowing what it meant, absolutely flooring poor daiki for a second before he decides to give daisuke a hint: 'all of this is to steal the maiden's heart.' dark pops up and he and daisuke bicker a little, which is really more like dark keeps his casual, annoyingly playful attitude while daisuke gives him a cold shoulder.

'i don't know dark. i don't even know what's going to happen to me...' ---isn't it interesting? i'm excited to see what happens. daisuke didn't have anything better to say to dark, who kept his playful tone. 'anyway, dark is special. he can do anything and knows everything.' --- ah, i've been perfect since the moment i existed in this world. but that's also boring... i need to refresh myself by playing with a pretty lady.' 'that's just a hobby, isn't it?' ---'i wouldn't say so. an unapologetic, bright voice. daisuke felt silly worrying about something like this. why did i talk to someone like dark... well, it would have been understood even if we didn't talk. dark, who seems to have fun doing everything and never takes anything seriously. while concentrating on the conversation in his mind, daisuke forgot about the pain in his body and fell asleep. ---do you know what it means to never change? daisuke couldn't hear it. dark's voice was a little serious. big deal... if you really want to win against me, you should change it. our destiny.

emiko and daiki warmly send daisuke off to school with a sports bag containing dark's clothes and some other supplies, daisuke apologizes to them in his mind and swears to himself again that he wouldn't turn into dark, which is a goal he terrifically fails as soon as the day is up thanks to riku. dark heads off to the aqua dome to finally get the heist started. cue the cool heist stuff, which i'm too lazy to transcribe the majority of rn, but trust me it's pretty cool and wiz is once again not getting paid enough for all the shit dark and dai make him do. daisuke refuses to speak throughout about half of the heist until dark cracks a joke about how 'loved' he is, and daisuke finally snaps that it's not the time to be joking and he's worried about getting caught and how he has to go to school tomorrow. (daisuke...) dark grins and brings up that daisuke finally spoke, then he immediately gets waterboarded and sent off to a different area by a flash flood. they're now stuck outside the area of their plans, daisuke starts having another moment of doomspiralling before dark tells him to quit it -

'don't think so darkly. i won't get caught.' ---where does that confidence from from...? 'where is this?' with the thumb of his tight black glove, dark pointed to his chest. 'are you that worried that you're being hijacked?' dark laughed arrogantly. 'there's no way anyone would like something like that.' daisuke felt as if his chest had been sliced open. he should have been able to feel the pain in his body right now. even though it's not there, there's still an unbearable pain. if you like and love something so much that you can't accept the growing feelings, it might be easier if they just disappeared. after all, it was my fate to be swallowed up by dark...

some more running around, risa clings to wiz-dark, saehara's somewhere in here too, you kids are crazy. at some point dark and dai start having this conversation:

inside dark, daisuke was devastated and drenched with worries. i don't want to think about anything anymore. then i'll happily take over your body and your future, just as you wish,' happily spoke a deep voice. 'and the one you like.'

daisuke remembers riku and unconsciously calls out to dark, who tells him 'don't yell. it's too late now. if it's fate, you'll just follow it while crying the whole time.' daisuke hits back with 'you don't know that yet! i'll change it!' to which dark grins and eggs him on a little more with a 'you tell me.'

'keep going like that and get out of here. please, brother. (kyodai/兄弟) ---we're not brothers. however, it wasn't a complete denial. in truth, somewhere deep down he was enjoying stealing beautiful works of art and playing chase with the police. maybe it was just as my grandfather had said, or maybe i was just being dragged along by dark's heart. what daisuke hated was himself. i found myself being dragged along by a situation that was unexpectedly changing at a dizzying pace. daisuke laughed. perhaps only dark can see that expression. because right now, in reality, this body is not my own. this heart is the only thing that keeps it alive. that's why you can't use it unless you feel strong. even if no one can see you, even if no one can hear you, this is proof that you are definitely here. daisuke can't help but recognize dark's true strength. and for the first time, i called out to my other self from the bottom of my heart. ---we're accomplices, right? we're the only companions who share everything, including our bodies and memories. a phantom thief who violates a maiden's heart. however, i don't like how he's always one step ahead of me.

this cuts into daisuke looking through dark's eyes trying to figure out a way to escape from the area they're trapped in, and the hilarious description of 'the artificial beach where dark was picking up girls' being the location right above them. hiwatari shows up and pulls out the cuffs, daisuke can't do anything but watch as he and dark dodge and squabble. hiwtari pulls out the heartwrenching line 'how many sacrifices have been made for your existence!' at dark, and hiwatari's suffering and pain is described as 'something that daisuke also knew well.' even though daisuke in truth had been enjoying himself, he couldn't anymore with hiwatari like this.

but... now, while he's cornering dark, there's hiwatari who feels like he's been cornered himself. i don't want him to look at me like that anymore.

hiwatari slips after cuffing dark and daisuke freaks out for him, 'reaching out for him' despite not being the one in control of the body. satoshi's glasses break but dark catches their owner, while hiwatari himself looks up at dark 'as if he to ask why he helped him.'

'there's someone who wants to help you.'

dark pulls out a flare/lighter of sorts and sets off a fire alarm and lets him escape, he turns back into daisuke who ends up meeting up with riku and risa. daisuke thanks wiz for helping him and being willing to jump into water even though wiz hates water, daisuke goes home clutching the mermaid's tears, a red gem that 'shines like a flame.' hiwatari muses that dark is an opponent you have to be careful with and that if you let your guard down or get impatient even a little bit, he can easily escape. later daisuke heads off to school again and 'mobilizes all the gods and buddhas to pray at the last minute that he would not transform into dark' during the school performance. riku's trembling from stagefright and when the trade glances she says 'it doesn't matter, i don't have many lines,' to which daisuke says 'don't say things like that. everyone has a role to play. besides...' the stage is set, the lights go out, and in the darkness, daisuke holds hands with riku. 'i'm with you.'

sleeping beauty turns out to be a huge success, the kids pour soda water all over each other instead of champagne, and the daisuke from a while ago probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy that sort of nonsense.

'i'm soaking wet, i'm covered in bruises, all sorts of things happened... i don't know what's going to happen to me, but something is starting to move. daisuke thought it might be a good idea to let the wind blow around him, because the future can be repainted freely.'

the LN closes with emiko finding a picture of riku that daisuke can drawn into his sketchbook, the mermaid's tears beside it.

the light reflected by the jewel, which contains intense feelings that cannot be expressed in words, appears to be lighting a red flame on the chest of the girl in the painting. the flame of my heart burns brightly.

#fav #reference.#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#nd that's book one. my brain hurts now #somewhere in the earlier section is sato going full vampire n putting his lips to a wound #dai gets while they're painting #so that it doesn't get their work ruined #the detail shows up a few times #what with dark n dai sharing wounds #but whatevs #i couldnt figure out how to put it into the post after i had already started writing it. rubs my fingers into my temples

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proxythe · 1 month

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Hello dear mutual

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I ADORE YOUR ART!!! Call me your biggest fan if u dont have one already /hj

Always wanted to interact w you more but!!! Interactions are scary!!! So I'm sticking w liking your art and rb.......

but honestly, you really inspired me, because im a transmasc and well, god gave me two big naturals and honestly, I don't want to chop them off!! so seeing your aki really help me feel way better :')

AGHH I WANTED TO TELL U THAT YEAH HAVE A GOOD DAY

and one last thing.... im really curious abt your hcs on akishinji or akihiko in general... so if you want to spare some..... no pressure though.... okay bye...

hiii ooomf 🙋

thank you sooo much for saying this 😭😭 no one has ever told me theyre my biggest fan before… im really flattered thank you so much!!

i also overthink interactions real bad but if you ever want to message me or anything, you can !! i would seriously love to talk to you !!!

and im also transmasc w a large god given chest and i think ive said probably both these things before but that is also why i like to draw and represent that!!! ill never get tired of showing these bodies thru my art 🫰it makes me really really appreciative and happy when people tell me this .. i am Certain ive said this before… but i never get tired of letting anyone who tells me that i am really grateful to be told that my art helps in any way.. it makes me really happy i could cry

finally…. for my hcs… lemme separate them so the post doesn’t look so cluttered

me hiding an underwhelming amount of hcs under this cut im so sorry oomf im really bad with headcanons for some reason but let me try to think if i have any lmfao

- i think them (literally) sleeping together is a big hc for them in general but that’s probably my favorite akishinji hc of All Time … it can do no wrong… its perfect…

- (more likely fits post canon/shinji living route) shinji being clingy asf is also one of my faves idk i think there’s just something in seeing him happy and shameless for once in his shit life 😭 getting hugs and physical contact he used to not think he deserves … i eat it up …

- aki being a cat person i think is a hc … it mostly came to me from pq when hes being so dramatic about koromaru licking him … he loves koro yes but i believe he is a cat person at heart … shinji is generally an animal lover but he’s also just a dog person

- p4au debunks this with that god awful design but i’ve always believed it: aki’s wardrobe is immaculate. guy is always dressed in some nice ass clothes and perfect style. ignoring p4au i also think aki would dress nice even in timeskip

- this is also popular methinks but them taking in ken and koromaru time skip is another that i basically just treat like its canon lmfaoo this one also is just perfect… does no wrong… amazing …

erm i think that’s all i can think of rn bc for some reason when someone asks me to specifically name hcs i kinda sorta forget every single one that’s ever entered my mind whether ive drawn it or even spoken it aloud … am i stupid ?

#ask #THIS LONG ASS REPLY !!!!!#and thank you again so much oomf #u can seriously msg me whenever #i would love to be friends….

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astrocalypse · 2 months

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Y'know what? FUCK YOU*MAKES A VITA ET MORS OC*

Tw: Self harm, suicide, that kinda shit :3

Ok so this miserable girlypop (I have no name for her yet) She does portraits, photographs, even documents Morte's life for Morte WITHOUT GETTING PAID, IT'S ALL PASSION. Because yk, Morte. And as she should.

She seriously loves him as a whole but she doesn't want to confess

It's not only his looks or some shit that you'll normally crush on she loves him for everything. EVEN imagining that they spend their lives together, yeah, like- with kids and shit.

The more time they spent with each other, the more her love for him grows.

Her mood depends on him.

Admires Morte like a god

LOVES MORTE LIKE ONE SHOULD LOVE LIFE ITSELF BUT THAT'S TOO BAD CUZ SHE DOESN'T LOVE HERSELF (ME FR)

When she first met Morte she was like "HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TALKED TO A FUCKING ANGEL???!!!"

And that's where her mentally ill ass started to like him

She sorta has an obsession with Morte (obvi). She's devoted to him and he knows that duhhhh

Morte likes being treated like a god huh? (Is he not?) Well in terms of a DEVOTEE, then he hit the jackpot!

At first she believed he wasn't human. After all, how can someone be so.... Beautiful? Like a god? (Hahah)

If she could, she would move mountains just to be with him (aweeee you sad little motherfucker)

Always compliments Morte like he's some sort of god or something YIPEEEE!!!! Call her a worshiper atp lmao

Like, just dress a little fancier... Actually no- you don't have to dress nicely Morte. As long as you exist, this bitch is gonna give her soul to you.

"Omg you look really wonderful in that attire!!!!! Any woman would fall and maybe die for you!! ^_^ *insert words of pure admiration* May I take a picture??? Make another painting maybe??"

Gets worried for Morte more than she should for herself

Prioritizes Morte

Over a hundred paintings of Morte

Tons of photos of him as well

Likes writing about him

Said "You're my everything" to Morte in french, hoping he'd be confused.

Then she found out he can actually speak french and ohh boyy she died a little

Most of her portraits are perfect. If it's not good enough (in her eyes or what she thinks Morte thinks), well..;

She hurts herself when she thinks Morte doesn't like her stuff she made for him

like one time she bruised her thighs because Morte didn't compliment her painting for him like he did the last time, it sounded dry.

"I'm sorry for being too clingy, Morte..... :("

Her thoughts on the daily:

"Am I even worthy of being around him?"

"What if Morte finds me annoying?"

"What if my compliments doesn't sound genuine? I'm scared."

"Am I appreciating him for being him or is it just because of his looks..?"

"What if he thinks I'm just trying to get him?"

"What if he secretly hates me?"

"He probably hates how clingy I am"

"He hates me."

*Starts self harming* (girlypop cmon 😞)

Stays up late thinking about him and ends up crying cuz she thinks he doesn't care for her HAHAHAHAH

She knows what he does actually (kept it in secret so she doesn't get killed) But does she care? No!!

Likes being used as an alibi if anyone dares to be suspicious of Morte.

Would suffer for him.

Would kill for him.

Would DIE for him.

Literally anything for Morte (HAHAHAH)

When Morte died she did horrible things to herself (you can guess what those are)

She also cried for 7 MONTHS

Ever since Morte's death, she's the one who keeps taking care of his and Roxanne's graves (?)

Goes from complimenting to sobbing to his grave

Drawings of Morte EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Always says "I love you" before she leaves like girl he don't love you shut yo corny ahh 😭💀🙏

Always hangs out on his grave. People find it weird asf bc why are you hanging out in THAT place?? There's a serial killer buried there..

Compliments Roxanne too so she doesn't feel left out :>

She documented his life and kept painting him until she finally killed herself, hoping to see Morte in the afterlife.

Ew cringe 🤢

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS CRINGE OC INSERT SHIT @aestheticghostie 🙏🙏🙏

I JUST MADE HER YESTERDAY (02.25.23) LMAO I MIGHT REDO THIS AT SOME POINT

#aestheticghostie #astrocalypse #oc concept #vita et mors #oc #hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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cowboy-robooty · 3 months

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Robooty Reviews: Royal Servant (3/10)

Read this way back in middle school... shared mangago lists with one of my friends and recognized this one and decided to reread. Lord. Who Likes This. The story is about Kyon and his master Lucaon and theres like some plot bullshit since in this world theres these guys who are royals and got these powers that they never fuckin use and live longer too and are strong n all that. and the only way to kill one tho is to give them this special poison that is completely undetectable and the only way to cure it is if the person who administered it fixes that shit. But yeah Lucaon hates servants and Kyon is a servant and Lucaon is a classic stoic scum gong and falls in love with Kyon but only starts being nice to him once Kyon literally spends 20 chapters on the brink of death lol bro got a fever and slit his wrists and fell into an ice pond and then got a fever again and pneumonia and Lucaon went "..... ok ill be nice to you now"

the art is good for this story dont get me wrong but its really really really stiff expression wise. maybe i'm just a little stupid and i need to see a huge cartoon tear drop to tell a character is sad but for realsies I do think that the art is pretty, but the expressions when bitches are fucking dying and shit could be a little more extreme. its okay to sacrifice their pretty boy looks for one pannel trust me..

The romance itself is just like whatevs. I will admit I am a fan of how kyon will just take anything like bro does not give a fuck okay cuz hes madly in love with Lucaon and doesnt care what he does to him. Im pretty sure in one chapter Kyon is just walking in the halls and Lucaon lunges at him and bites him until he bleeds and kyon passes the fuck out from the attack and its just like ok lol. LUCAON DOESNT GIVE A FUCK HES SO MEAN TO KYON UNTIL HES SUDDENLY NOT BECAUSE HE HAD HIS SCUM GONG REALIZATION WHEN KYON TRIES TO LEAVE HIM 15 MILLION TIMES AND ALMOST DIES IN EVERY INSTANCE OF TRYING TO LEAVE. the upside to kyon is that hes a simp and a pussy and he is a bit of a little bitch but he isnt a whiny bitch about it. like lucaon is his tormentor and he finds out that THERES A POSSIBILITY that he could be the cause of Lucaon's demise and immediately is like okay ill kill myself i need to get out of here and thats why he almost dies 10 million times trying to leave bc he only tries to leave bc lucaon's blonde ass brother is like dude. you might cause Lucaon to die since you're a secret spy with your memories wiped. AND ITS KINDA FUNNY BECAUSE HE STRAIGHT UP SEES KYON ALMOST DEAD IN BED AND GOES "GOD I WISH THIS BITCH WOULD JUST DIE ALREADY" LOL!!

When i was younger i was a fan of the pink haired guy (lucaons other brother) and his servant who is his boyfriend and treated as an equal and yeah younger me was right tbh kind wish the story focused on them instead. but ngl i hate the entire family drama thing bc like its the plot and all that but im like WHO GIVE A FUCK? this manhwa is just mid. mid as fuck. I'll admit when i was younger i re read the 20 chapters where kyon is on the brink of death like 50000 times over and over again because i loveeee suicide and i lovee when kyon tries to kill himself a million jillion times and Lucaon is like FUCKING STOP. theres like idk tiny hints of goodness. I can enjoy a good scum gong alright and I do like when Lucaon is like "brah... ive seen you cry more times than smile..... thats kinda fucked" MMMMMMM YES. FEEL BAD. FEEL REMORSE. but its just not worf it okay the manhwa sucks and its 100 chapters or some shit like that bruh moment. I also do like how at the end Kyon acknowledges that hes going to die before Lucaon and Lucaon needs to learn how to love other people than him because he doesn't want Lucaon to be stuck on him forever and ever. I think it was a nice bittersweet thing. In short. just not my thing. mid. equivalent to eating spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner. Like you can... wont be very satisfying tho

#robooty reviews #yaoi review #rec #recommendation #recommendations #recs #Royal Servant

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chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter · 3 months

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[personal vent with some sprinkles of tr]

Today I feel emotionally exhausted. Completly drained. But not physically, with doesn't help because my body have too much energy for just laying down and be sad.

But I can't stop crying for everything and anything at the same time. And I know the sadness, the pain, the tears, are real. I know it bc I feel it. But at the same time I feel like nothing happened to me to be like this, like I don't have a 'real reason', that I'm not allowed to be this exhausted when from the outside it looks like I did nothing.

(And I know that's not true, I know I was burn out from the managements I had to do for having internet back, I know it scares me having an uknown man in my home, even if the internet technician was really nice and kind with my dog, what relaxed me bc if my traumatized dog doesn't feel danger and it someone treats him so good, that means everything is safe. And I know the day before I had a job interview and I had to go to the center what makes me be activated as fuck and my anxiety goes high being inside such a crowded small space like the metro. I know that all this things are a lot for me, I know it but if I don't write it is too easy to forget)

(And I also know that I'm finally talking about things in theraphy that broke me just too mention, I know there are real and valid reasons for be like this, I know I should be proud of myself. But I hate that the past can still hurt me, I hate how weak it makes me feel. Even if I know the fact that I'm finally open this box means I did a lot of progress with myself for getting here. But suddenly the old fears are screaming again and it seems like all the work I did for accepting my own vulnerability and not be terrified of feeling old pains just disappeared. And it sucks so much and only makes me be harder on myself)

Weirdly, if this was like my usual burnouts were I just don't have more spoons or an emotional flashback were I need time to feel safe it would be easy to manage. I would be more compasionate with myself, I'll know what to say to my intrusive thoughts.

But is not that. I'm emotionally exhausted to pretend to be strong, to be fine, to not be broke, to not be fighting with my mind constantly bc I wanna be better, I wanna get better, I can't slip into the same coping mechanisms again (even if it feels so easy to do it).

And I just feel like a kid, starting to cry again and again without "reasons". I just feel like a kid that doesn't want to be this weak, that wants to smile and to not make everyone worried bc it's fine, I'm fine, I'm strong, I'm resilient, of course I'll stand up again, ofc the past is not going to drown me, I'm strong and strong people...

Strong people cry.

Strong people are able to admit that they are scared and want to run away.

Strong people fail. And fail again.

Strong people have a lot of flaws and do a lot of mistakes.

Strong people allow themselves to feel the pain, the sadness, the fear.

They broke. Again. And again. Because they admit when something hurts them, they don't deny the pain, don't pretend to be unharmed.

And after that, they try again. Because they never give up. But they ask for help, the show weakness, they show their tears, they show they are vulnerable.

Because maybe being able to be vulnerable is what real strenght mean.

(and yes, I chose this image on purpose because the contrast with this empty Mikey and Takemichi is so huge, Mikey isolating himself on the top, never breaking until he can't take it anymore... I see myself so much in Mikey and it hurts, but it's also a good reminder of how much I need to remember the lessons that Michi showed us)

And I don't know if any of what I just said makes sense or if it's just me rambling around and remembering to myself what ment for Mikey being so strong and so unbreakable and how Takemitchy being openly vulnerable and showing his feelings to the whole world, saved him. Saved us.

Because Takemitchy saved me too and he does it again every time I'm about to not allow myself to cry and go to the old-repress-and-denial.

So yeah, thanks our crybaby hero. I needed you so much and even if I don't say talk about you enough, I love you a lot 💜

#me venting about irl and not so much #emotional hangover bc doing it better also means opening really scary boxes i guess #mental health #trying to remember that i'm not weak for being vulnerable it's hard #but takemitchy helps #our crybaby hero #weird ramblings that i don't even know how to tag yey #tokyo revengers #hanagaki takemichi #takemitchy is an amazing mc and i will say it again and again #takemitchy saved me too bc he saved everyone #thanks wakui

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waywardmillennial · 3 months

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update on me

what I've been up to the past few months -- that'll end up being mostly a fandom update bc that is my life (no joke) and also some insights into what I'll be blogging about more now

✰ dan and phil games returned!

anyone who follows me on discord knows I love dnp and I was shocked when they made their dramatic comeback last October. that funeral video was so extra, in the most dnp way! I'm so happy that they're already making the channel whatever they want it to be, and can both be out and make so many gay jokes now

✰ ofmd s2

it was beautiful. it was sad. it was joyous. those first few eps were so much darker than we were used to, but I trusted Jenks and he did a great job (esp when you think of max cutting so much of their budget -- bugs bunny meme to those twats). but I was given so many Izzy feelings that I never asked for T_T doing what I can to help get s3 renewed and I have some hope

✰ loki s2

this one was also beautiful, and heartbreaking, but in a good hurt kind of way. this season was made with so much love and honestly one of the best things marvel has ever made. s2 also gave us O.B. (Ke Huy Quan I love you!) and it was even gayer than s1 which I didn't know was possible. I want more (kinda?) but also don't want them to mess up what was practically a perfect ending -- and the most canon lokius we could have hoped for. if they decide to let the old men kiss, then they can greenlight s3

✰ doctor who

the end of the year really kept given me more fandom content than I could keep up with -- but having Tennant and Tate back together again was such a joy! and following the trend of everything else I've been excited about recently, DW came back loudly declaring "gay rights!" I'm unsure if disney being so involved is a good thing (I'm inclined to say it's not) but I already love Ncuti and I can't wait for more of Fifteen & Ruby. and I'm still crying about Wilf tbh

✰ the marvels

solid movie. so much fun. Kamala and family stole the show! and god bless they made Carol gayer

✰ holiday times

I put more effort into celebrating halloween and christmas and enjoyed both of them more than I have in the past few years, so that was really nice.

✰ creative writing

I have only started to get back into doing anything creative but I have a few ideas. I'd like to finally post a stony fic this year. and maybe lokius. and probably skippypants (I have a few others that are very rare pair, so who knows)

EDIT: I can't believe I forgot a big one!

✰ gf live

what an amazing show! the boys are so good with a live audience and it was a treat to watch the show with a whole theatre full of people. it's the best way to watch it imo and I would do it again. and at my show Mari came up to wait in a line near me so I talked to her for a bit. I didn't ask for a photo or anything, just had a normal conversation. but I definitely melted into a puddle right after and she is even more beautiful in person!

#blog psa #this'll be pinned for a little while #sorry if that annoys you #I'm also still very much into Watcher content and anxiously awaiting what the new Steven show could be (pls say Andrew is joining!)#if you see anything on this list that you wanna fan out about feel free to message me #I won't publish any asks that are marked PM [Private Message]#I also accept prompts #esp for lokius bc I wanna write for them but I have less ideas #and could use a set of beta eyes on my stony stuff

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celiaelise · 2 years

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My thoughts after watching The Owl House for the first time! 😊 (muchos spoilers!!!)

(I watched with some good friends who had already seen it; they had strong opinions but were also determined not to spoil me.)

We yelled at the screen a LOT. The most common cries were, "It's The Fascism."/"Do you think maybe it could be the fascism?"/"yeah because you're a fucking FASCIST!" we also yelled at Lilith for her poor decision-making skills very frequently. Like, "yeah, you did this!! This is entirely your fault!!!!" Oh, and at Luz for not thinking things through, though we accepted it's a part of who she is.

I LOVE Willow soooo much!! She is so cool and fun and has great outfits; I would like to cosplay her! I started doing her little part with her during the theme sequence in s2. When they revealed her interest in derby, I was like, "she's SUCH a lesbian."

Probably the least satisfying arc to me was how quickly Eda and Lilith reconciled with their mother, but I'm 100% willing to admit that's probably bc I'm projecting my own Issues onto the situation.

My best friend couldn't help but express sympathy for Hunter and Darius the whole time, which led to a few arguments during our watch 😂 they kept saying, "he's a GOOD BOY!" about Hunter, and making excuses for Darius, and I was like, "yeah but he (Darius) could've not been a dick about it, though." But I did agree that Hunter was doing pretty well considering how abused and conditioned he was. We compared him to Lilith, who ended up in a much worse place, after being raised in a much better environment.

Obviously the Belos/Philip/Hunter/Caleb stuff is super compelling!!! My heart was breaking when Hunter ran into the woods at the end of Hollow Mind, both because of his emotional distress and because, "oh my god, he needs to get out of the open, where is he going, he is going to get himself killed." I don't remember when I first suspected Belos' true identity, but I was pretty sure by the middle of the time travel episode. The foreshadowing and reveal were masterfully done, especially with Luz clinging to the hope that Philip could help her get home.

Gus is literally the most powerful illusionist there is??? Also he's like a tiny bit unhinged, but what can you do. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My friend pointed out that all the copies he makes of himself seem to have some degree of sentience, and express fear, specifically fear of death/not existing, and thus, fear of Gus himself. Which is likely not something he's specifically doing on purpose? So that's interesting. But also he's Baby!!! Someone give him a hug!!!!! He just wants to do a good job and be accepted and appreciated!

KING!!! 🥺💕 His arc in s2 was also heartbreaking, oh my god. The episode where we saw his castle was probably the closest I got to crying during the whole show. He is also Baby.

I don't have a lot to say about Eda? Not in a bad way, though, I think I just don't relate to her much. I did really appreciate her curse as rep for people who are chronically ill and/or have to take maintenance meds just to exist every day. I'm not sure I've ever seen that treated so naturally onscreen before. wrt meds specifically, it's usually either a joke to show the character is "weak", or a Big Fucking Deal that is portrayed somewhat tragically. Obvs the curse is tragic, but Eda using the resources at her disposal to manage it isn't.

Similarly, I don't have much to say about Amity. You would think I'd relate to her more, with us both having emotionally abusive mothers, but I think her being a rich mean girl overrides that 😅 No hate, though!! I like that she's gay and a huge nerd, and that she puts up a front of being together but she's still very much Just A Kid.

Luz just being Latina and occasionally even speaking Spanish is so 🥰💕🥰💕🥰 Also no one mispronounces her name the whole show?! So nice. I am curious what her ethnicity is. I assume the creators have one in mind, but if it's hinted at in the show, I didn't notice. Though I get the feeling she isn't Mexican-American. (that's what I am) (One small downside is that I've always liked the name Luz, but I fear it will now forever be a "fandom name" in my brain 😅)

I've seen fan speculation about Hunter's clothing hiding a lot of scars, specifically his gloves. Which makes sense, but I had the thought that he could have some homunculus- or even automaton-looking shit going on under there, before I remembered that's something he probably would've noticed about his own body. Could still make for a cool AU, though!

I LOVE Kikimora! She's chaotic and kind of dumb and ADORABLE, what else can we ask of anyone?

I'm probably forgetting a lot of things. I kind of already want to rewatch it! But my attention span for this post is waning, so I'll wrap things up.

Despite the circumstances, I am very happy the kids all ended up in the human realm together!! I'm excited to see the witchlings be out of their element in our world, as that is my exact favorite flavor of hijinks! Also I'm so glad they're together and we get to see them be friends; it's refreshing what a loving and drama-free squad they are. Y'know, once they decide they're not mortal enemies, lol 😅

#the owl house #toh spoilers #willow park #philip wittebane #toh hunter #hunter whittebane #eda clawthorne #gus porter #augustus porter #king clawthorne #luz noceda #by elise

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neowinestainedress · 2 years

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no pls I wanna kiss YOUR brain, turnng it into a series would be absolutely amazing!!! and fr, you will do so well I just know it!!!

yes pls oh lord, I didn't think of that but now that you said it, haechan introducing jaemin to oc will indeed cause us so much pain.

imagine being unknowingly the reason why your partner finds somebody that treats them better and will probably leave you for them

the way you framed this sentence already has me biting my fist 😭😭😭

fr I envisioned jaemin as literally perfect (I mean ik we all have flaws but c'mon it's jaemin we're talking about). and fr, as a sunflower I really need to write him a formal apology for always painting him as the bad guy 😩🥹

oh I really didn't add any deets about hyucks ex jsjsjs but in my dream she was literally the kindest person ever. like she's actually, genuinely nice and like you said, that puts oc in like a very weird spot bc she can see why hyuck fell for her and all that, but a part of her (,which is human, I'm sorry is like so fucking envious). but then she can't even wish anything bad for her bc hyucks ex is actually nice 😭😭 I also pictured a scene where oc is crying and venting to jaem ab hyucks ex and she goes, "I wanna hate her, I really do, but doing that only makes me hate myself more" or something like that idk I'm bad w words.

also, I don't want haechan to be a bad person in this fic as well ( I mean I do but not with the others) I was hoping for like him being portrayed as actually a very nice guy, like YK even when he was dating his ex, he was the best boyf ever but then when it comes to oc, it just isnt the same idk. he tries (or maybe he doesn't) but like it doesn't work.

and jaem and oc being compatible is pls 🤞🏻 the most crazy thing ever. bc like she's in love with his friend and what not aaaaaa my heart already hurts.

I guess cheating is allowed, right? or do you want it to be like haechan and oc break up but he’s still jealous and wants her back but on the other side there’s jaemin and she’s stuck (so jealousy, sex, and all that)

oh my dear god. option two pls. if hyuck and oc have sex it's all good bc I mean they're dating but if jaem and oc (or even hyuck and his ex) have sex, pls I want them to break up beforehand, I'll literally d word if either of them cheat 😭😭😭 like YK I mean idk you can write it the way YOU want but I was thinking hyuck and oc break up and then she sleeps with Jaemin and that for some reason makes hyuck real mad like hejsjs I want him to hurt oc with his words then (I'm sorry) like YK "ofcourse you went ahead and slept with him, you were waiting for us to break up" or sumn like that. bonus points if Nana defends oc and they get into a lil fight djjsjsjsjs

now that I've said wayyyy too much, I'd like to say that at the end of the day, it's really upto YOU, you can write it however you want and I know I'll be grateful either wayyy aaaaaaa.

+ this is the first time I've sent such a long message to any one so I apologize if the paragraph breaks are weird.

YK WHAT I ACTUALLY LOVE BUBBLES ANON NOW SO YOU CAN JUST TAG ME THAT WAY ☺️💌✋🏻🌻 ALSO HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT AHEAD BYEEEEE

-bubbles anon

hi again! so i was writing down the outlines for the story and i came up with something:

what if haechan and oc were childhood best friends and she always had a crush on him but he never liked her like that, so obviously he dates other people but they are all silly flings until he meets his ex that is literally perfect and nice and that’s why oc is so jealous of her / can’t stand her, 1) hyuck doesn't love her and 2) she can't find a reason to hate her. but then hyuck and his ex break up (we need to come up with a good reason for this break-up it's going to be hard) and as always oc is the one lifting him up, always by his side and she's confident about making him fall for her (kind of if i get my way vibes). so one thing leads to another and they start dating. but as you said in the first anon it's like a rebound for him like he feels good with oc because she has always been his best friend and they truly get along but he's not sure that what he feels is love. i think it can be nice because jaemin could also try to open her eyes by saying that haechan is not the same he was when they were young and she needs to let go of this image of him she has in her eyes. AND them being best friends before being partners makes it even more painful because not only she's terrified of losing a lover BUT also her dearest friend. obviously this will be implied (maybe there will be some flashbacks) and the story will start with them already in a relationship.

anyway, their relationship has been going on for a year / a year and a half when haechan makes oc and jaemin meet. AND i was thinking that jaemin and hyuck have known each other for quite some time but lived in different cities (e.g.: jaemin had to move and now he's back). option one: if i make it a college!au jaemin could've changed university in his second year and now he and haechan are roommates. so imagine the DRAMA when haechan and oc break up but she keeps seeing jaemin so she’s always at their place and hyuck has to watch jaemin treat her better and all the romantic things going on. maybe the first time jaemin and oc have sex he overhears them but he doesn’t think it’s her and then boom in the morning she’s in the kitchen WEARING JAEMIN’S SHIRT and he loses his mind (like you said and even hurts her with words) option two: if it's not a college!au haechan offers (double stabbing himself in the back) jaemin to be his flatmate so they can split the bills, spend time together and so on. and then the rest is the same as option 1, same pain, same tears. probably this would be more interesting because since they would share a house jaemin would also see their domestic dynamics, idk maybe she acts as if their living together and provides even for his place but haechan doesn't do the same for her and jaemin would get mad ever for that, idk

also, wanted to ask if you minded if i gave oc a name and some physical characteristics (since i think of setting it in korea she'll be korean i guess) or do you want me to write it nameless like in the new stories i’m posting?

and jaem and oc being compatible is pls 🤞🏻 the most crazy thing ever. bc like she's in love with his friend and what not aaaaaa my heart already hurts.

NO BUT imagine that she likes something and she asks hyuck to do it with her, let's say an art gallery, but he finds art boring so he tells her to go alone and then HIII jaemin's right there, going with her. i think it would be even better if he also doesn't like art that much but he'll still go for her like screaming, crying 😭

I'll literally d word if either of them cheat 😭😭😭 like YK I mean idk you can write it the way YOU want

NO NO I'M FINE WITH THEM NOT CHEATING I HATE CHEATING but some people don't mind it so i was asking if you wanted that for extra pain or if it was a big no, happy we want the same thing 😌

bonus points if Nana defends oc and they get into a lil fight djjsjsjsjs

YES!!

+ this is the first time I've sent such a long message to any one so I apologize if the paragraph breaks are weird

no dw nothing weird about it!! (also i'm the first one that after more than a year here still doesn't know how to use tumblr so i won't judge)

YK WHAT I ACTUALLY LOVE BUBBLES ANON NOW SO YOU CAN JUST TAG ME THAT WAY ☺️💌✋🏻🌻 ALSO HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT AHEAD BYEEEEE

perfect, i'm happy you like it! i'll keep that then ♡🌺 HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT TOO

#anon answered #bubbles anon

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1d1195 · 1 month

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Omg yeah it was pi day yesterday! Completely forgot about that lol math is just hard and you’re one in the lucky ones who actually GET IT which is honestly amazing! I feel like as long as you don’t make any kids cry you’re good lol

AND MY BESTIE IS A GOOD SINGER?!??? I shouldn’t even be surprised bc of course you would be good! Idk why but that just makes me smile! I fear that the universe made you be shy in front of people because you would have been too powerful lol bc being good at math, being THE SWEETEST PERSON EVER, being a great writer and being able to sing??? YOU WOULD BE TOO POWERFUL!

Love that you just wanna look at Harry while driving, ICONIC! I get the scent thing! You definitely seem the type to like very natural or just overall comforting smells that don’t overpower but who knows scents can be very tricky! I love this specific Christmas candle that’s sold only in target and it’s smells so good! If by next holiday season I remember to look up the name I’ll let you know bc I think you would like it!

You know what’s wild, Harry’s 2019 SNL performance is what pushed me into this fandom! Was a casual listener before! Something about him using brass instruments for his live performances and showcasing them just did something to me plus HE LOOKED SO HOT HE HAD ME FEELING THINGS😵‍💫🫨 and omg you’re literally so kind! And music theory could honestly be your vibe! Music and just anything creative in general is just so important to me, I agree that I think I would die too lol aside from 1D did you have any artists that you would consider to be your top picks without question?

ALSOOOOOO toothpaste WAS SO GOOD! IVE NEVER WANTED TO BE AT THE DENTIST MORE TGAN EVER!! Like ahhh so so good and cute! Him taking her in on a short notice was so nice! But my girl was stressed and I love how immediately Harry was there to ground her and clam her down a bit! Their chemistry is just so good lol I would love to read more of them when inspiration hits! also I just love how you treat all your anons! Hope that this does make 🐱 feel a bit better!

Hope you’re having a lovely weekend bestie!!!-💜

I think if a kid cried because of me I would quit 😭

HAHAHA there are a lot of things I think I was slighted on because I would be too powerful. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I drank water regularly and/or worked out properly.

I have Harry all over my apartment (calendar, laptop background, and I hid him in one of our photo collages of our friends and family--technically it's a pick of 1D but still) and he's all over my classroom. So he's never too far from my sight. Poor bf thinks I'm crazy but I like to tell him I've known Harry longer than I've known him 😂 tbh idk how I've kept a bf this long when my heart belongs to Harry.

OOOH Def keep the candle in mind next holiday season! I LOVE Target so I will be first in line to get it 😂

He was so cute in 2019. I was just looking at 2018 pics of him and it's weird that was SIX years ago but that might be my favorite version of him 💕

As for another artist? Hmm...right now probs Noah Kahan; when I was young I LOVED Hilary Duff (her name was Sam in A Cinderella Story and made out with Chad Michael Murray so I ALWAYS wanted to be her (still do--she's so pretty and perfect)) I don't think I'm a diehard fan of any artist in particular--I'm def the popular song by a band/musician by and large. Maybe The Goo Goo Dolls or Vanessa Carlton. I think I could write an entire series of stories based on their music. I also like music my parents listened to more than anything on pop radio tbh. I think it's under the umbrella of classic rock/rock in general (John Mellencamp, Queen, The Eagles, Bruce Springsteen, I'm sure you get the vibe). I've def mentioned I'm not really all that musical and I don't do deep dives into most musicians or bands. I'm ashamed to say I only vaguely understand the lore of Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks and I feel like that's sacrilegious where Harry is such a big fan hehehe

Anyway, I know you went through an emo phase and obviously we LOVE Paramore but what other musicians do you like?

Very glad you liked Toothpaste! I hated the dentist growing up. I'm less scared now but MC is ME. I've had a LOT of dental work done over the years and I think in scale of health my priorities are (1) Mental (2) Dental (3) Physical. I could never be a doctor but I think i could do pretty good as a dentist. Last time I went to the dentist I was thinking about how scared I used to be and how much I hated it but I thought about how nice it would be if Harry was my dentist 🥰 So there will be more to it, but yes, I wanted to make my sweet 🐱-anon happy 💕

I hope you don't mind, I'm going to tag 🎶 because music talks are our specialty and I feel like I've never mentioned this to her! 💕

Thanks for your message bestie, it's so good to talk to you. Hope you get to relax a little this weekend! 💕

xoxo

#💜#🎶#toothpaste

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troglobite · 1 year

Text

laskdjflaskdjf

retroactively caveating this: if we're mostly/p much only internet friends, the dynamic is so entirely different that none of this really applies. i'm talking ppl i've known almost my whole life, and/or ppl i know irl and would be meeting w in person if not for ongoing covid.

------

sitting here thinking

realizing some things

previously it felt like the tiny number of friends i had/have were only ever interested in using me for their needs and purposes

previous friend group was always talking about everyone else's problems--for hours, days, weeks on end. nothing ever changing.

when i brought my stuff up it halted the entire conversation

i would complain and get nothing in response.

someone else in the group would, out of the blue, make a big request or set a big boundary and it was no problem

but my small requests, discomforts, and boundaries were always treated as Too Much.

and previously i've always thought--it's partly my fault, partly the fault of all friends i've had, that friends always relied on me and sought my advice and instruction and wanted me to do things for them, but didn't ever want to do things for me.

but i'm also realizing now--

well i mean i sort of have always known as well, but in general people. don't take an interest in the things i'm interested in. they don't want to hear about it or listen to me talk abt it.

my mom is the only person who puts up with my infodumping, and she does her Mom's Best. most of the time i don't feel awful. when i try to stop talking bc i feel annoying sometimes she'll ask a question to keep me talking.

haha okay i'm just crying now??? idk.

anyway. it's nice. i still feel deeply annoying. and it's not bc she treats me that way in those moments, it's bc i know she's not truly interested, and also bc at other times, when she's angry or hurt or triggered by something, her resentment towards me comes out. and so when she's being nice abt my special interests and infodumping, i guess part of me is like. she's being nice, but she's just being nice. bc she loves me and cares abt me. but it is. a kind of emotional chore.

so anyway there's that detour.

point being all those posts online "i love when people infodump at me i love seeing how happy and excited they are i love learning new things"

WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?! I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF YOU. EVER. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

okay another detour over, sorry.

i'm just now thinking. about friends and friendship again.

i get mad when i can help someone and they don't tell me or ask me. or they don't even give me a chance.

i get MAD. i get so panicked and hurt and upset and confused. idk how to describe the feeling. it's. Big.

it's just Big and Loud and Intense.

when i can help someone and they don't let me know they need help, or they refuse my help when i offer, or they don't ask and i have to come in media res to help out after they've already hurt themselves or overextended themselves, when i could be there for someone and they don't reach out.

i get. That Really Big Feeling. and it's bad and i don't like it.

and i'm frustrated and thinking bc like. part of me is someone who can't handle not being able to help people.

i am disabled and poor and my various abilities are very limited. i cannot do a lot of things that would help a lot of people.

it crushes me. i don't like that feeling. nobody does.

and i care so so so deeply abt the ppl i love.

and--

and we're back to this bit where i don't allow myself to get invested in friends and relationships bc again, i've always been Too Much for ppl.

if i msg too often, ask too many things, open up too much, want to hang out too often, want to share everything w them and be close and. it's Too Much.

and being a queer kid, i couldn't be clingy and huggy w my friends bc it was seen as creepy and gay.

i just. didn't get to hug anyone v much. i had to hide and suppress a lot of my affection. both bc i'm queer and autistic, so it always read as Too Much and Weird.

and it's just very weird to go through life most of the time feeling next to nothing abt other people. bc i've shut that off. and if i turned it on and allowed myself to feel i'd just be a mess, constantly, all the time.

bc if i feel those things then it makes it even harder to deal with what got me Thinking in the first place--

that i'm not a priority in any of my friends' lives.

and it's weird and shitty this time bc now, for several months, i am not even the person that any of them turn to first for help.

so my ONE way to be in contact w friends & feel helpful? is not available to me bc i am not a priority--and i'm not in their list of first responders.

i am not number one. i am not anywhere in the top five.

i'm someone they occasionally think about. or only think about in a certain capacity.

mainly, rn, their DM. or the person who offers compliments. or the person who spams the discord like an annoying bastard w stupid things that no one gives a single solitary FUCK about, and so they ignore.

so it's the double whammy

i don't even get to FEEL something about them ~only using me for advice and support~ and never engaging w my interests or offering to support me

bc they're not even asking me for advice or support

and i'm just realizing how little i matter

and how many other people they have who are more immediate, more important, closer to them--who they just plain like more

and i have no way of finding any other friends

and i'm sort of spiraling

i thought i had. The Friend Group. like i was set. i was so excited and--looking back. ha.

part of what began to drive the stake between us was my Too Muchness.

apart from some red flags i was ignoring, it seemed like we were all in for each other. there were so many things we wanted to do! plans we were making!

we went on a vacation together, which was HUGE for me, w my overwhelming fear of road trips (hard to explain, not what immediately comes to mind), general anxiety abt being away from home, and lack of Comfort around ppl other than my mom. and i thought it went really well! it seemed like it!

but then i went to grad school and they thought i was an elitist traitor or something? that i thought i was better than them? i literally don't know bc they never told me or admitted to any of their actions or feelings so i've been left to guesswork to fill in the blanks.

but the other part of it was--

i so wanted. to do all those things with them. they were a top priority for me. they were involved in the way i was planning literally the future, years out ahead in my life. that's how i was thinking abt my future. with them in it.

and i just remember one time we went out to eat (which they forced me to do even though i fucking hated it and just wanted to hang out with them and not spend money or be around other loud people) and at that time they revealed that they had plans to move in together (three of them) and they hadn't told me but they'd told the friend in virginia.

they talked abt being concerned abt that friend in virginia--but not me, off in minnesota.

and they mentioned a summer vacation. and i said oh wow that sounds awesome, i love that place. do you think we could do another trip like last time? would that be possible? or maybe just one like it some other time?

and i was so excited and enthused abt it. ME! EXCITED ABT VACATIONING W PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!

and looking back i can see how offput they were (mainly one of them) w that suggestion. they found it distasteful and were humoring me.

of course, covid hit and everything fell apart, so it never happened. lucky them. they went on many trips together after that. i know bc i haven't unfollowed or blocked all of them on social media. they're not often on it so it doesn't matter too much.

but they've posted abt their other trips together.

including one BEFORE i had "left the group" that they just. didn't tell or ask me about.

but i was Too Much for them.

despite everything--despite putting up with their treatment of me and not even noticing it was wrong or bad--i was so excited to just spend more time w them and build my future plans involving and around them.

and even though THEY were the ones that started it...

me doing it was Too Much.

and now i have this group

and the group has splintered bc three of them roomed together and it went Very Weird

and now there's literal hatred and animosity btwn a couple of them

which has meant that for the first few miss frizzle games, all i got hanging w the ones i'm closer to afterwards was just an endless stream of angry complaints abt the other players--

even when i thought everything was fine and had gone well.

yes, even i get frustrated w those two players sometimes. but this last session went really well and the story's picking up and i'm excited for it. and i just--the things that have made me frustrated. i've gotten over. or i've said something in a funny way to make the complaint/dislike clear so we can laugh abt it and move on and it won't get repeated. and it's worked.

but i'm just.

it used to be that we could all chat in the discord sometimes

then that group fell apart

and then 3 of them were like "hey let's make our own server and hang out there"

and it was good for a while

and now it's radio silent, same as before

a few memes or tiktoks

but i'm the one in there most of the time

trying to start conversations and share things

and getting no response

and they're all going through shit, i know

but only loosely

because none of them fucking talk to me

i was called a best friend by one of them and now i'm not even on the list of ppl to inform abt her life. to complain to. to chat w. for months now.

and honestly i'm just so sad and tired and lonely over never having any responses to anything i put in the discord that i just--

i know they're all tired and overwhelmed. i know.

so i don't reach out asking abt that stuff.

if they wanted to complain to me or get my support, they would ask.

and i know that bc that's how it's been in the past.

but they're all in their own spaces and places w their own ppl who are. more enmeshed in their lives. more important. more everything.

and i'm just the annoying shithead who's like 5-6 years older than them just posting stupid shit in the discord for them to ignore.

and one of them bailed 15 mins before our miss frizzle game this past sunday, after having told me they could come and play. i also had set the expectation that ppl tell me if they can't make it w a few days' heads up, bc i need to be able to prepare. we could survive a couple ppl missing a class/game session here or there, it would be okay. and obviously shit happens last minute, so that's fine.

and i absolutely understand that they're going through the Pits of Depression Hell, rn.

but i only get it vaguely bc they don't talk to me. i am not an important or close friend.

i'm not saying that to insult them or myself. it's just true. i am not an important or close friend, for them.

but i asked them--on the off chance--if they might want to sit in on the session, since this "class" was going to be two gaming sessions, and if they could make it to the next one, i'd want them to know what was going on or lemme know any choices they made.

and i said either way, we'd just retcon that their character was there, no problem.

their response sounded. so fucking mad at me. "god i'm fucking sorry i went back to sleep. he's [the PC] basically plant life it's fine"

i didn't say

"hey fuck you for not showing up"

i asked if they'd wanna sit in the group and observe

partly bc sometimes sleeping curled up in a depression pit makes things worse, and partly just so it was easier for them to rejoin in the next session.

bc like. reading an entire game session summary is also a lot. and these players. have a hard time reading ANYTHING i send them. they do it. they manage it. just enough. oddly, the players i anticipated having the most trouble w that are the ones doing the best--my expectations have been flipped.

but i figured sitting in the zoom room might be vaguely entertaining background noise (w camera & mic off!) and they could pick up next session easier, and maybe being around ppl they generally like would be a little bit of a pickmeup.

but instead my question/offer was seen as. angry? needling? judgmental? idfk.

my response was me pretending nothing was wrong bc they had voiced nothing to indicate that anything WAS wrong, and i'm having to work on not interpreting things from ppl when they haven't communicated anything to me. if someone is upset w me or if i hurt them, they HAVE TO TELL ME or i cannot do anything abt it. it's not fair to either of us to expect me to psychically divine every time something is wrong.

and they responded in kind.

but i'm just like.

what the fuck?

you don't talk to me. you don't respond to anything i say. you said, before this campaign ever began, that you "just want a campaign that actually happens"

and then 15 mins before the game you bail--when i have to calculate and balance encounters for a certain number of players AHEAD OF TIME. when i have to spent a lot of time preparing roleplay scenes and information to give your character.

so i'm kind of scrambling, yeah, and hoping that maybe you'll sit in on the session--NOT PLAY! NOT TALK! NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARTICIPATING AT ALL SOCIALLY OR IN THE GAME!--so that it's easier for BOTH OF US to prepare for the next session

because now i have to type up a whole game summary to fill them in on what they missed

assuming, of course, that they don't bail on the next game 15 mins beforehand

i just. i understand that things happened.

but i quite literally went into the discord w just the 3 of them who were like "let's all be friends in here!" and then proceeded to fucking ignore me

and i said basically--

'hey what's the vibe? how are y'all feeling abt the campaign and playing in it, rn? bc i'd be fine hitting pause until y'all felt more ready to participate. we could do oneshots and jackbox game sessions, instead, for a few weeks or a couple months, and then jump right back in. bc i have this campaign literally outlined through to the end, so we WILL complete it. we're NOT bailing on it. lol but we could hit pause if need be. bc this game is a lot of work, and i want y'all to be there in such a way that you can enjoy it. i don't want y'all to miss out or not be present mind-wise. so if we need to hit pause, let's do that.'

and to be clear, no one had communicated ANYTHING to me.

but that was sort of the point.

radio silence.

how am i supposed to interpret that? what am i supposed to do with that, except infer that i should ask them how things are going?

they won't talk to me about their lives, maybe they'll fucking talk to me about this game that THEY wanted to happen. that THEY are invested in. that THEY requested have a large, overarching story and lots of roleplay.

no one directly engaged w anything i said. they both responded abt the upcoming game, and that was it. said they'd check in by friday.

i had to remind them and ask explicitly to get a response friday at like 5 fucking pm

and if that doesn't say it all abt where their priorities are right now

which--

WOULD BE FUCKING FINE

IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME

but they don't and won't.

and here i sit capable of only feeling so many emotions.

if they're (the one who responded as such above) mad at me for being too "businesslike" abt the game, despite me not being a dick abt it and saying it was fine either way, then i'm sorry

but maybe try actually fucking talking to me AT ALL abt ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GAME so that way it actually feels like maybe we're friends

instead of me being an unpaid DM doing a LOT of fucking work for a group of people who don't particularly care abt me or my wellbeing or the work i'm putting in

and who have lives and friends and family and other shit that's infinitely more important than me

and to circle back around, part of the reason i was so. baffled and confused--and i didn't even have the space or capacity to process and feel that at first--by the angry response to my offer/question

is because

if it's that bad

why are you isolating away from me?

i can't DO anything for you if you don't talk to me! if you don't fucking say anything!

i'm trying to reach out these stupid little branches for fun little moments of conversation and goofiness and what have you

and just. no takers. no response. no nothing.

and idk what their life is like bc they don't talk to me.

none of the three really talk to me.

and forget the other three players, i NEVER talk to them. i am just someone who DMs for them.

they don't ask abt my life or anything. we don't talk abt it.

i don't have a friend group.

i have a group of people, half of whom claim that i am their friend and do nothing to demonstrate it, that i DM for and work my ass of for, and i get nothing in return.

i just wanted them to have fun.

and this last session went so well

but that's it. that's all the time i have to talk to these ppl.

my requests that we hang out more--forgotten for weeks, so i don't bring it up again. bc i have ALWAYS been the one asking.

only to find out, every time throughout my life, that they were all hanging out without me anyway. that i'm just annoying.

i'm Too Much. they don't like me. they don't want me.

and when they do, it's just for advice or support or to use me for something, like DMing.

that's it.

and when we talk abt the game i get excited bc i work so hard on it and i care abt it so much and this is my FIRST TIME EVER DMing for a longform campaign

i have so many hundreds of pages written, so many maps made, so many characters and plots and stories to keep track of

because they asked me to

an option for this campaign was for it to be a monster of the week type thing. no overarching plot. no outer worlds. just a new class each week, everything's fine, then the class ends, end of campaign.

but they wanted an overarching story. and i made it. really big. and, i hope, really cool. really interesting and exciting to try and figure out. something that they'll have fun pulling apart, that will be compelling when it's revealed--all of its itinerant pieces revealed and explained, one by one, over the course of the campaign.

and i just.

want friends.

period.

but also, friends with whom i can get really excited abt this campaign.

and i offered to pause the campaign so everyone could rejoin properly.

and so far the one who bailed 15 mins before--btw, going through diff med changes which are ALWAYS difficult, and didn't fucking think to tell me until i'd had to explicitly ask abt attendance and scheduling like a fucking pain in the ass HR manager or teacher scolding them--has said nothing abt it.

bc they just don't fucking talk to me.

but clearly they need the time as well

and what, they think that despite the fact that i have the entire campaign outlined, that i'll bail on it?

meanwhile the three i was worried abt bailing on the game are fully in, and the three who claimed to be completely in and want this most are not able to be in it, right now. and won't communicate that to me.

i mean to be fair it's really only two of them at the moment.

but now i'm just going down this whole again where i get worked up about the campaign.

but i'm just. realizing. that part of the anger and frustration--which i have to emphasize is not AT any of them--is bc.

they don't need/want me as a friend.

i am not important outside of the game.

and now the game is not even in their top 5 priorities--and i understand why.

but now it's like

they don't ask me for help or support

they don't care abt the things i say

they don't want to have fun conversations or times with me

and they can't be there for this game that i am working so fucking hard on for them

i am making this game for them.

it's really, REALLY hard for my brain to do this. i can't judge if i'm saying too much or not enough. if i'm making something disappointing and boring. i can't tell if they're actually enjoying it, or if the few of them who say "that was fun, thanks, beck!" are humoring me or if they really mean it.

i can't tell if this is exciting and cool. if they like the NPCs. if they like the other PCs and the roleplaying. if they see the mystery. if they're invested.

i can't tell.

and i get little hints that, maybe they are?

and so i worry i'm just in my head abt this, that i'm making this game for me.

i want to have fun, too.

but all of the things i'm doing--i'm doing bc they asked me to.

i offered a miss frizzle game.

i decided i needed to make the world for it.

i asked them what they wanted from the game

and after a lot of fucking pestering they FINALLY told me what they wanted (bc it took them forever to fill out a 4 question survey where the answer could be "nope i'm good!" to basically all the fucking questions, takes 5 mins at most)

and i took that to heart

and i built a world and a plan and a campaign around that

i worked to find ways to connect everything to each of their characters

i've put so much into this

and i'm just

feeling really confused and conflicted

bc no one wants me.

they maybe want me as a DM. maybe.

and that requires. so much work on my part.

and i don't get. any actual friendship from them.

i don't even get to help them with their problems or talk to them abt stuff. i don't even get that anymore.

i feel annoying trying to talk abt the game between sessions. like i'm annoying all of them.

and i just--

this is part of why i resent being told to reach out and be interested in other people

they find me annoying and creepy and Too Much

bc i love other people

as much as i say i hate them

i hate them bc they hate me

i wanted to just read my book and go to fucking sleep early tonight and instead i've been sitting here for an hour crying and typing this up.

and for what?

it changes nothing.

and then fuck me, too, for the times when i'm too tired to want to be engage in a full conversation.

or i'm wary of replying too quickly to something bc what if i'm being annoying or overwhelming?

worrying with every message i send that i've done something wrong. bc isn't that always the case?

and so i want to respond when i feel good enough to respond w the right tone and it's not forced or fake.

bc i guess i'm still trying to perform the interesting agreeable cool funny friend

even talking abt problems i don't talk abt anything that someone can't relate to at all.

and things in my life are so nebulous and weird anyway.

no one could "offer support", right, so why do i even want or miss it?

it's just stupid. i'm tired of being 28 fucking years old and still having to deal with shit like this.

and all those "life gets better in your 30s"

do you SEE the world?

i'll be lucky if i even make it to 40.

not even by my own hand. just everything else.

"there's always time to start what you wanna do"

that's a nice sentiment. it's even true a lot of the time.

when there's not a pandemic. when you have money. and friends. and opportunities and options in front of you. and no disabilities.

i'm just being stupid and shitty and negative now.

but i sort of resent anything that makes me feel fulfilled or alive rn bc then the crash back to earth hurts even worse.

the absence of everything else the majority of the time feels even worse.

and i'm not going to talk to ANY of them abt this bc what would be the point?

they're not in a place to handle a conversation like that w any grace. i'm not even MAD at them! they haven't deliberately done anything wrong, they're just struggling! a lot!

and last time i tried to have a conversation abt things that i was worried abt or hurt by or just wanted to clear up, everything imploded around me and i ended up ghosted and abandoned and blamed for everything.

shit's already empty and absent enough without me throwing dynamite at it and making it worse.

it's just that normally the effort i put into a friendship is immaterial.

but now i'm DMing this game and the effort is very material.

and now i'm feeling it more accutely.

and i can't do anything abt it.

i just.

hanging out w friends makes me feel better. and i KNOW that's the case for most people.

and here i am, trying to make that happen in a low stakes way just talking in discord.

and still nothing.

just.

nothing.

i'm a bad person for trying. for asking. for wanting.

i can't help if i don't know, if they don't tell me.

but they don't want me to ask. bc they don't respond to anything i say, at this point.

enough to know they're alive. and that's abt it.

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