spiritinabody

[spiritinabody]

August 29th, 2017

It’s actually the 30th but I didn’t get a chance to tell you about my day yesterday. Originally woke up, probably around 6 AM, to hearing the river and for a split second thinking it was rain. I had to remember where I was. We ate some breakfast, packed up and got on the road again. FIrst we drove through Moab since we were right there -- cute city, nothing spectacular. Then we stopped to get gas which was FUCKED because it was middle of nowhere and they were charging $4.77 a gallon. Just cuz they could!! We got a gallon and a half and drove maybe 10 minutes to find one that was at $2.76. Couldn’t believe that.

Almost immediately after driving into Colorado you begin to see dispensaries. Haven’t been to one yet but I hope I get to. We stopped at Taco Bell around 1:30 PM -- or stopped at the drive through I should say. The girl fucked up my order and didn’t give me beans on the side. :( Some sad ass tacos. After that we were in a traffic jam for probably half an hour. Which was cool with me cuz I’ve been reading James Baldwin. Wow. We drove up in the mountains and finally found my campsite probably about 4:30 PM. I thanked Zoe and Martha profusely, they really did help me out a ton. They even gave me the James Baldwin book and a few lighters which was more than I expected. Then I was left to set up camp and figure out who to find to extend my stay. I packed up prepared to walk to the nearest office and a park ranger stopped me and asked if I needed a ride, which was a life saver.

(Finally started seeing some mushrooms!)

The lady there was super nice, and I found a spot to charge my phone for a bit so I could let everyone know I was okay. I decided to do a night in an electricity site on Thursday so I could charge my phone, shower, and do laundry. Can’t do any of those things on my site now. I hiked all the way back to my site, just before dark, to make dinner. Only to find out none of the shit I collected would light. :( I put it under my rain awning to hope it would dry out by morning. Then, left in hunger and darkness and fear of bears, I went to bed. Uncomfortably.

xoxo Kelsey

#utah #moab #travel #traffic #colorado #hitchhike #mushrooms #golden gate canyon state park #bears #camping #hiking

[spiritinabody]

August 28th, 2017

Couldn’t be happier right now. I woke up at 6:30 AM originally and saw that Zoe texted that she would get me at 9 AM so I went back to sleep until 7:30 AM. Then I got up and packed everything up. I decided against a shower and went to get coffee from my favorite place instead. It was a guy working this time. As I was about to leave, he changed the song on the radio. I knew I knew it, and was originally thinking the Black Keys, but I knew it was the band that did “Seven Nation Army”... He was cute, so I asked him. The White Stripes, of course. Then I went back to my camp where George the rooster hung out with me for awhile, making begging noises and giving himself a dirt bath.

Zoe and Martha picked me up and we headed out. Took a quick detour in Bryce? Canyon? Made it just south of Moab at some camp “Big Bend” near the Colorado River, which is beautiful. We set up camp and went for a swim. When we came back I was attempting some meditation when I opened my eyes and saw a snake maybe 15 feet away. I proceeded to slowly creep up and watch it about 10 minutes. At one point I thought it was going to eat a lizard but it didn’t. They made me dinner, which was super sweet. They’ve been smoking a lot and it smells pretty good but I probably should get a job soon. :( We played some Harry Potter game, looked at the stars, Martha made amazing pears with honey. <3 Now time for bed! Gonna sleep good.

xoxo Kelsey

#utah #moab #adventure #summer #2017 #roadtrip #hike #rooster

[spiritinabody]

August 27th, 2017

Wow, just when you think you know what to expect! I woke up at like 7am, expecting to get a ride from Laurie to St. George Airport. I finished packing some stuff, had breakfast, and went to the laundromat to do my laundry for possibly the last time for awhile. While there, I read a few chapters of a book I “stole” from Billy on finding the middle path through asking open questions. As I was reading I got a text from Zoe saying they could give me a ride! They just wanted to meet up and talk details. So I met them back at the house and they said as long as I didn’t mind stopping to hike in Moab on Monday and staying the night there before heading to Denver Tuesday, and the fact that they are from California and smoke weed (ha ha) that I was in. So then I decided to camp for the night at a campground in town.

Once I set the tent and everything up, I headed out for a hike. After getting some Subway, I went back up to the mountains at the end of town I went to on Tuesday. Spent 3 and a half hours up there sweating and hiding in shade and thinking I was gonna die. But I lived! And took some amazing pictures and ran into Isabel, the intern that gave me a ride to the cafe on Friday. I hiked and chatted with her for a bit. She told me a little about Moab. She had plans so she decided to turn back, but I continued on for probably another hour. I finally decided to turn back so I could make it down before I ran out of water. Then I headed straight for the water fountain at the park, took my shoes off, poured water on myself and did yoga in the park.

As I left there was a couple, the guy laying on a blanket in the grass and the woman sitting on a bench behind a baby stroller filled with stuff. She saw my backpack and asked if I “was on an adventure too” and I told her yes. She said they were from some P city in Arizona and had walked here -- wow! I decided to walk closer to the campground and go to Pizza Hut. I ordered a personal pizza but they realized they had no more so they gave me a medium for free! WHich was 8 pieces… I ate 3 and decided to bring the rest back to the couple I met. They had started walking back towards town, but not far. I gave them the pizza and chatted about lots of things for awhile. They had been hiking for months, and occasionally getting rides. They were on their way to Montana where he has friends. They were together for over 8 years and were hoping to quit smoking by the time they got to their destination.

(My visual of the tree I was laying under in the park.)

(Seen on my walk to the mountains - like tennis shoes over the power lines, but a cassette tape instead. How hipster.)

I walked up with them to town and wished them luck. Then passed out pretty early in the tent.

xoxo Kelsey

#Utah #kanab #adventure #hiking #hot #summer #2017 #mountains #travel #kindness

[spiritinabody]

August 26th, 2017

My last day in Kanab! This week has seriously flown by. I hope Colorado doesn’t go even faster. This morning I got a ride from Madi that I met yesterday to Best Friends and started what ended up being the longest hike of my life. Seriously. I think I hiked at least 8 miles today.

(One of only two mushrooms I found in Utah. Way too dry.)

First I started on a trail right by bunnies which took me to Angel’s Overlook, a smaller pet cemetery. It was hauntingly beautiful. I started to tear up at the thought of how loved these animals were. Then, after finishing my morning coffee, I realized I was going to have to poop and went on the hunt. Once I actually was going the right way, it was 1 mile to Angel’s Rest. I hope they would have SOME kind of bathroom, but I was wrong. I gave my condolences, took some pictures, and continued on. Finally I realized where I was and that a lady I volunteered with yesterday had used a bathroom nearby. I made it just in time. Best. Poop. Of. My. Life.

Then I explored the area nearby and read some of my book as I watched a pack of wild turkeys graze. I found a feather from one and stuck it in my hat on my way out. Twice I stopped to hike through the mountain to try to get to the river below, but to no avail. There was too much brush that could have potentially held a rattlesnake nest. Finally, at least another mile later, I came to the Welcome Center and bought a few things to be shipped home. I decided I just wanted to get back to Kanab. I hiked all the way up to the road and probably at least another mile down that highway before someone stopped to pick me up. His name was Digs, he had a dog and dreads, and he was originally from Columbus, Ohio!!! Very nice guy. Dropped me off in town. Then I went in search of lunch as I had had nothing but granola and it was almost 1:30PM.

I stopped on a bench outside of a restaurant to collect my thoughts and ended up talking to a woman from another part of Utah for 10 minutes or so. She invited me in for lunch which was very sweet but I politely declined. Found my way to Wild Thyme Cafe which was very nice and had salad and vegan stew. It was super good! Then I walked home to pass out for an hour or so. Around 4 PM I headed to the historical museum just to get my Kanab history fix. After that I headed to my favorite gear/coffee/book store for coffee and to sneak some pictures of the map of Colorado, since I ain’t buying the whole damn atlas. I left a note in the guest book for folks to follow my travels via Tumblr.

Then I finally watched the sunset, which wasn’t impressive, and stopped at the grocery store for dinner. For my last night with a kitchen, spaghetti and soy sauce brussel sprouts, my favorite. Ryan drunk called me after. Laurie, the lady here with the cats, is going to give me a ride to St. George so I can get a flight to Denver tomorrow. The ride I thought I had bailed. :( Aw well, such is life. I saw a bunch more hummingbirds too! I also sent mom’s letter so hopefully that will make her happy. I think that’s it! Still have to get up early to get lots done.

(So excited I finally figured out how to tie my sleeping bag to my backpack.)

xoxo Kelsey

**Nobody Knows My Name by James Baldwin

#utah #kanab #best friends animal sanctuary #history #travel #explore #hike #summer #2017

[spiritinabody]

[spiritinabody]

August 25th, 2017

My last day volunteering at Best Friends. Bitter sweet. Tomorrow I am hoping to go see Angels Rest, their cemetery. I’ve heard amazing things. BUT today I got up extra early to attempt to hitch hike to Best Friends since Billy left for Costa Rica today. So excited for him. I hiked pretty much to the end of “town” where it turns into highway before the nice couple that took me to Dogtown on my first day stopped and asked if I needed a ride. I had coffee by then but I was still very thankful. They had done an overnight with a dog who was just adorable. I was early to my shift at horses but I told them all good morning and took pictures.

Then me and two older women went out to “muck” (or scoop poop), go on the feeding run (I fed horses from my hand!), and finally watch a demonstration of the technique they use with the horses which is just fascinating. Something with a “p” is the method. After lunch I got to spend time with the bunnies, who were super adorable, but very skiddish. There were a handful of guinea pigs too. A couple newer baby bunnies had been named after “Trolls” characters. SO stinking cute. I helped clean out their runs and then fed them their greens, which were lettuce and cilantro. They love it! They were trying to bond two who aren’t very friendly and we all heard this terrible screeching -- a noise I’ve never heard a bunny make. I guess the caregivers figured out the male tried to mount the female and hurt her already messed up leg. :(

The girl, Madi, who showed me the ropes is actually from Cincinnati! Nice to finally see someone from Ohio. She gave me a ride back to Kanab. They’ve been having a Western festival so I went to check it out and it was pretty much what you’d expect. Greeted by a parade of old tractors touting American flags. No, I’m not kidding. Got a drink and some deep fried pickles for festival sake. Wasn’t great. Made me exhausted though, along with the sun and day. Came back and took an hour nap. Then I ran to the store to get a stamp to send this card to mom, came back, ate dinner and here I am. Went out to look at the stars and you could still hear the country music impersonators going on down there. Was kind of nice. 

Oh and more wild turkeys today! They came out to eat the horses food when they get it. I was also sitting in my calm little spot secluded from everyone after lunch and a hummingbird, out of nowhere, flew by my head for a minute before flying off. A sign??

xoxo Kelsey

P.S. It’s the Parelli method for those who are interested in the method of training they used - it can work for a variety of animals and was quite fascinating. Based on creating a loving and trusting relationship with each animal.

#utah #kanab #adventure #explore #western #best friends animal sanctuary #summer #2017

[spiritinabody]

August 24th, 2017

“How Great Thou Art” playing on the radio. Sitting at a table in the back of the laundromat, writing this, listening also to the sounds of the washer churning clothes. Sipping an iced coffee I got at a cafe/book store/hiking gear store. I am hoping to catch the Kanab, Utah sunset over the mountains tonight after dinner, if my clothes finish quickly enough. I want to try a local restaurant with vegetarian options but am also putting up signs in local stores and restaurants looking for a ride to Denver. I have seen one police officer while here, and the police station is hidden back in a shop set up in a strip. Inherently I feel very safe being here.

-------------------------------------------

I missed the sunset again. BUT I finished my laundry for only $3.50 and also go some Mexican food. It wasn’t half bad, not as good as I thought it would be so close to Arizona, though. I got home and went out to visit Laurie’s cats (three outdoor cats that live in the back) and shortly found she was actually home which I guess doesn’t happen often. We talked for an hour and a half about tons of things -- Kansas City (where she’s from), Best Friends, Kanab, House Hunters, heroin, on and on. Very cool lady. Now I’m about to read and head to bed so I can possibly hitch hike in the morning. Buenos noches!

** orange is the cat that was obsessed with me

xoxo Kelsey

(Willow Canyon Cafe was the name of the store. 10/10 I recommend it if you’re travelling in or through Kanab, Utah. http://www.willowcanyon.com/ )

#utah #adventure #summer #2017 #best friends animal sanctuary #explore

[spiritinabody]

August 23rd, 2017

P.S. I saw/heard birds yesterday that flew in packs and sounded like they were laughing when they chirped. Ha!

Today was amazing as well, wow. Had coffee with organic coconut sugar this morning -- very interesting. Billy (the guy whose house I’m staying at) gave me a ride to Best Friends. It is beautiful there. I first got a ride from this lady to Cat World Headquarters. There I watched a video, then went to volunteer. I did dishes, walked two incontinent and slightly disabled cats (on leashes), and helped fold and put away laundry. Then I walked maybe 10 mintues to the Angel Cafe where they have a *vegetarian* buffet for $5! Shit was so good. I was too nervous to make friends. So I sat alone but had an amazing view. 

Then, I walked to Dogtown Headquarters where I was assigned to some easier dogs. I got a ride from a nice older couple to Fairway and was immediately given Willa to walk. She was more interested in chasing lizards (of which there are a TON) than going potty but she eventually did, after getting two walks. I then went in and swept the runs of all the dogs and got to socialize with them. My favorite was Cowgirl, a 5 year old hound/lab mix. She would not leave my side. I read them a book!

After volunteering Billy picked me back up and took me to Zion National Park. It was AMAZING. Pure beauty. Looked almost fake but definitely was not. Saw several animals. Took lots of pictures. Then I took him to dinner to thank him. Because he had a pass we got in for free. Got home and did some star gazing! Ready for bed.

#zion national park #utah #adventure #2017 #explore #bestfriends #best friends animal sanctuary #no kill

[spiritinabody]

August 22nd, 2017

Holy cow. I feel like today was one of the longest days of my life -- in a totally magnificent way. I woke up at 6am after being up until 2am after the Green Day concert (which was kick ass). After showering and getting the rest of my stuff together, mom took me to the airport. I actually got her to just drop me off -- I was already nervous enough about my backpack/sleeping bag combo being too big to fit on the plane. I gave her a hug and dragged that bag as well as my carry-on ALLLLLL the way to the end to check it with United Airlines. The bag size was fine so I fretted for nothing. As i was over an hour early, I found my terminal and continued reading my book “This Blessed Earth” while doing some stretches.

I got up to get some Starbucks but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth the $4+ so I got some pretzel snacks instead since I didn’t know when I would have time to actually eat. Once I got back, we started boarding. They were “testing” a new way of boarding, which I never thought about -- boarding the people in the back of the plane first. What a novel thought, huh? The plane ride was fine, although I felt like I had less space than usual. The guy next to me was probably early 50s and not very friendly. Not unfriendly, just not approachable. I read a lot of my book and napped a few times. My arm fell asleep. Once we landed in Denver, I had about 45 minutes before boarding. I spent that time looking for a map of Colorado, should I actually end up hiking an extended period -- only to only be able to find a map of just Denver. Better than nothing. Then I walked my way to the very end again to board for St. George. 

It was a small plane. Another, possibly older, no less unfriendly guy to sit next to. Not only that, but the lady behind me was your typical “bitching about not being able to use an expired coupon” type. Complaining because the seat belt was backwards? But still usable and perfectly fine. Then there was a delay because of other flights so she complained as if that would help. I took deep meditative breaths. That flight was fine as well -- finished a lot of my book! We got off the terminal about 1:45pm. It is the tiniest little airport I’ve ever seen. Literally. I think they only do one flight at a time. After everyone on the tiny flight had disappeared, I called one of the two cab numbers located outside and was originally quoted about $230, which was higher than I had calculated at home. The guy who came to get me was very nice, probably mid 50s, but his boss had told him $275 which I didn’t really have a choice but to accept. But luckily the cost of living here is really cheap -- realistically cheaper than Ohio. 

We drove through some pretty cool places in both Utah & Arizona and I took a ton of pictures. He was a great tour guide, so to speak. We saw multiple “Indian” reservations, the city that Mormons basically own?? How their houses are half constructed because if they’re not finished they don’t have to pay taxes... Saw a few in Kanab later in the day. They wear black dresses like the Amish. We talked about child marriage and domestic violence. He does taxi service for their domestic violence shelter. He dropped me off at 355 S. Main St., Kanab, UT where I found my Airbnb host Billy! Its a room in his quiet quaint house. Sitting in it now. I then unpacked and went for a walk around town. Found the vegetarian and vegan store and bought some stuff for breakfast. Then found the laundromat and a few other small stores. Explored the trails and mountains at the end of town. I was speechless. Kanab is beautiful and rich in culture and a pleasure to feel. I felt whole.

- Kelsey

#travel utah west adventure 2017

[spiritinabody]

*pictured: me, August 2011* Trigger warning: suicide, sexual assault, sex, vulgar language, alcohol

I was sixteen years old. I remember because it was when Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” was popular enough to be playing on the radio constantly. I have a memory of being in the car with both Nate (names changed to conceal their identities) and his mom, who was driving. She laughed at the irony of the song, since he was fifteen, a freshman in high school. “And then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car, and you feel like you’re flying”. When his mom wasn’t driving us somewhere, I actually drove Nate around a lot. Picked him up. Took him to parties. Looking back, I’m sure it wasn’t a bad deal on his end.

As a sophomore in high school, I still was not far from the beginning of my existence as a sexual being. I shared my virginity with a boy during the summer between 8th and 9th grade. While that relationship had its own set of problematic experiences, we are on good terms now and have found ways to connect. After that relationship, it seemed like I bounced between guys, looking for someone to fill the kind of void that I felt being single. Part of it was an obsession with feeling powerful, knowing that I had what it was that guys were looking for. Compared to a lot of my schoolmates, I was more experienced, and willing to do more. For a lot of my life I felt unattractive, but having sex helped me feel both powerful and either beautiful, or at least that my looks didn’t matter. I did not have the capability to look deeper into what, or who, I was doing. Due to my experience and age, a lot of the guys I ended up being with were virgins themselves. Despite probably not being very good at what I was doing at the time, it felt good to “take” someone’s virginity.

Several short-lived, meaningless relationships brought me to February 2010. I don’t remember now how I actually met Nate, but we started dating shortly after meeting. Our relationship consisted of hanging out with his friends who were all guys that called me “Nate’s Girlfriend”, having sex while watching Disney movies at my parent’s house, playing with his dog, listening to music, sneaking out to see each other, going to parties, and fighting over shit that high schoolers fight over. Typical high school relationship. We broke up 2-3 times between February and August of that year. I specifically remember the last time we broke up being right around my seventeenth birthday due to a picture that exists of me holding my cake, with him standing in the background.

Despite the fact that I was the one who initiated the break up, I still have my journal from this time period. July 11th, 2010. “I’m dating an almost Sophomore, Nate. We’ve been dating over 5 months. It’s crazy… I love him so much.” The next four pages, un-dated, list bullet points of “Things I Remember About Us… So We Don’t Forget”. October 15th, 2010 is addressed to Nate, stating “I heard you speak for the first time in over two months a couple days ago. You finally hit puberty… And I missed it.” I continued to write about how I still think about Nate constantly, how I wished I could go back in time and “do everything right”, and how I basically attempted to stalk Nate at school just to see him or hear his voice. The next day, October 16th, 2010 I wrote about driving by his house and looking for him to come in while at work (I worked at Subway at the time). I ended it with saying that I would do anything for Nate, including kill myself if that is what he wanted.

The craziest part of this is not how madly in love I thought I was. The craziest part, to me, is that I thought I was madly in love with him months after he sexually coerced me multiple times throughout our relationship.

Sexual coercion, according to the website Love is Respect is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

You might be thinking that because I thought I loved him, and because I had said that I would do anything for him, that it wasn’t coercion and that I just changed my mind after we broke up. Not only is this the phenomena known as “victim blaming”, but it’s also false. This was something I recognized during our relationship and although I did think I loved him and wanted to do anything I could to make him happy, it was at my own personal cost. It was not something that I wanted.

At the time, I knew it was uncomfortable. I knew it was frustrating, trying to tell someone no, making up excuses, trying to find ways to divert their attention, just to have it end up happening anyways. I knew all of these things, but it wasn’t until years later, that I actually saw this for what it was -- sexual coercion. Due to being young, and not having a lot of experience, and never really having a conversation about sex let alone consensual sex with my parents, I thought this was normal. Really, I thought there was something wrong with me for ever not wanting to have sex. Nate was attractive, I thought I loved him at the time, but there were times where I just did not want to. What was wrong with me? How was I going to sabotage this “perfect” relationship just because of something minor? It took me I don’t know how long of experiencing this to tell him, finally, how much it upset me and that if he didn’t respect my right to say “no” again, that I was going to break up with him. You can guess what happened.

Now, as a semi-functioning adult, I can look back on experiences like this and really see them for what they are. I’m sure, as Nate was a virgin before we were together, he was just starting to learn what his sexuality meant to him as well. And because of his life and his experiences, thought it was normal and okay to continue to badger your partner into having sex after they’ve already said no. That’s the whole point of dating someone, right? To have sex whenever you want? This is what we, especially boys, are taught that relationships are supposed to be. You may have to struggle and argue and deal with “emotions”, but it’s all to make up and enjoy sex again. At this time, I wasn’t enjoying it. I was enduring it. Although Nate did sexually assault and coerce me, and we have our personality differences, I want you all to know that I do forgive him.

In November of this same year, 2010, I started dating Marty. He was older, not by a lot, but enough to shock even me, who was used to dating younger guys. Despite this fact, he too was a virgin when I met him. Due to a combination of my reputation and his own self doubt, Marty was already distrustful from the beginning. I think part of him didn’t want to look stupid, and the other part of him couldn’t believe that a girl like me (this was probably the peak of my attractiveness during my life -- I can say that being 23 at this point) was actually interested in him. He was extremely insecure about his image and his weight. I can tell you that none of that ever mattered to me, mostly because I still felt like the ugly little duckling I thought I was growing up. Inside, that’s how I still felt.

Dating off and on for a total of about 3 years, there were plenty of things that went on in our relationship that I could write an entire separate blog on. Maybe someday I will. But this part isn’t about Marty -- it’s actually about Wyatt.

I have known Wyatt since middle school when he was in a class of mine, and then I became good friends with his twin sister. We had a brief middle school-esque thing in 8th grade and then went our separate ways for a time. The guy who ended up being my first and Wyatt were really good friends at the time. Somehow we ended up “talking” (oh Lord do I hate that term) again during the summer, before Marty and I got together. We again went our separate ways, for whatever reason you could imagine.

The moral of this seemingly pointless background story is that Wyatt and I had some history. I knew his family, I was at one time a good friend of his sister, his mom loved me, and I spent a decent amount of time at his house in high school. In our Junior year of high school, his mom’s new house became the “party house” for our group of friends. It was a newly built house, huge, with a decent-sized basement that his mom never bothered to come down to. That was where I got drunk for the first time. It was where Marty pissed on the floor after a party. It was also where I was sexually assaulted.

Fast forward to June of 2011. The summer between my junior and senior years of high school. Do I remember what was really going through my head? No. I have no fucking clue. I wish seventeen-year-old me had the sense to write some of THAT shit in my diary, but no. For whatever reason, Wyatt and I started talking again. I remember one day I came over to get a Gameboy game of his because playing Pokemon on the old fashioned Gameboy was making a comeback. We talked, hung out. I liked talking to him because he made me laugh and reminded me of simpler times when we both were younger. It was something different. I had never really been with someone for as long as I had been with Marty, and I’m sure my mind was beginning to wander, realizing I was going to be dating a “college” guy while still in high school. Did I want to date Wyatt? Did I want to break up with Marty? No. That, I do remember.

One night, for whatever reason, I planned to stay over Wyatt’s house with him. Alone. I’m sure his sister was there, but in her room or doing her own thing. I told Marty that I was staying at a girlfriend’s house. By now, there are probably a million alarms going off in your head. “You went to his house ALONE? You LIED to your boyfriend?” Yes. All of this is true. In my head, I wasn’t expecting anything to happen, but I knew the situation would look bad. I was more concerned about how the situation would look to my boyfriend than my own safety. Let me repeat that: I was more concerned about covering up what I was doing from my boyfriend than my own physical and emotional safety. Whatever part of me, or whatever part of Wyatt that told me what I wanted to hear, let me go forward with it.

We spent the night in his basement, probably watching movies and definitely drinking Four Lokos. Back in those days which are pretty much when I started drinking, everyone drank Four Lokos. They were cheap, easy to get, and would get you fucked up. At times, half of a can of Four Loko could cause me to black out. On this particular night, I probably had between a half and a whole can of Four Loko. Why did I drink this much? At the time, that was normal. It was how we had fun on weekends. I would usually black out due to my extremely low tolerance, but if anyone else ever experienced them, I didn’t know. I thought that, too, was a normal part of drinking and getting drunk.

What I do remember, vividly, is waking up the next morning on the floor of that basement at 1:00 P.M. I think I woke up to the voice of Wyatt’s mom upstairs yelling. I jumped up in a panic. Where was I? What time was it? I grabbed my phone from wherever it was and saw the time, as well as missed calls and texts. One was from my friend, Mia, the friend whose house I was supposed to be spending the night at. She was worried because Marty had tried to contact her after failing to be able to contact me. Another text was from Marty, blatantly calling my bluff and telling me he knew I wasn’t at Mia’s. As the reality of everything set in, I’m sure I grabbed my stuff and got the hell out of dodge. That’s again where things become a little, blurry.

The story of what happened that night is something that formulated in my brain after the fact, pieces at a time. In different ways. And for different reasons. I didn’t tell Marty what happened until several months later. That, I did write about in my diary. About how he took the news surprisingly well. But I didn’t write about the event itself in my diary. In my mind, it was something that was my fault. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have put myself in the situation. I should have said no. I didn’t even want to admit to myself what had happened that night because I knew, at the end of the day, I was supposed to take responsibility for what happened. I cheated on my boyfriend. I made that mistake. To other people, and to society, my emotional and physical safety still were not the important details here. It was what I could have done differently, and instead what I did do.

After that evening of drinking, Wyatt and I both passed out together on the floor. I don’t remember if we were maybe cuddling to sleep, or just fell asleep next to each other. We were in spooning position, with him behind me. At some point, I woke up to Wyatt guiding my hand to what ended up being his penis. Although I don’t remember for sure, I assume there was some kind of foreplay on his part -- either over my pants, or inside of my pants. After some time, I helped guide his penis into my vagina for what was maybe 30 seconds worth of sex. We then both went back to sleep.

Between Marty and I, this was something that was a regular practice. While I look back and think about how problematic the concept was, it was consensual between Marty and I. I would stay over, or he would stay over, and when we were able to actually sleep together overnight it was a somewhat regular thing. I cannot tell you and I will never know exactly what was going through his head when this happened between Wyatt and I. Realistically, I can’t even tell you what was going through my head. Do I think he meant to violate me? No, not really. Do I think he knew what he was doing? Yes. I think he knew who I was, he knew I was drunk, but like many other men (especially at that age) did not realize that consent is a verbal, non-coerced and freely given “yes” compared to the lack of the word “no”. Did I “help” him do what he did? Technically, yes. I also believe that part of my half-drunk half-asleep mind believed that I was doing this with Marty, like we had so many times before. I also believe that if and when I may have realized that it wasn’t Marty, I was too afraid based on what I had already done to stop and say “no”. From my past relationships and past experiences, I had it so far ingrained in my head that sometimes it’s easier, quicker, less painful just to do it than to say “no”. In this regard, I don’t blame Wyatt for what he did. I try to believe that as a semi-functioning adult, he would now know better and be able to do better. I want to believe that he will not pass that mindset onto his son, or any future children he has. While I don’t blame him, what he did was not right. I had a right to feel violated.

From that day on, whether or not he actually said it or just implied it, Marty used what happened that night against me. He used it as an excuse as to why he couldn’t trust me, as well as why he couldn’t trust me around other guys. We ended up breaking up, for other reasons not related to what occurred with Wyatt. A few years later, we ended up getting back together. Although part of that relationship was the idea of starting fresh, realizing that we were both different people than we had been, Marty still held that against me. He used it as a trump card every time I tried to defend myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have even had to defend. The combination of that situation, along with a lot of other things that made Marty not trust me, caused me to really turn into myself during a lot of our relationship. In order to please him, I stopped going out as much or rarely ever. I stopped hanging out with friends, or making an effort to spend time with other people. I stopped doing things that I had previously enjoyed because of the worry of explaining myself to him. It was not until I felt like I had turned into a completely different person, and still did not really have Marty’s trust, that I realized how toxic that situation and our relationship was. Despite how much I knew I loved Marty in my heart, I couldn’t continue to make myself small in order to help Marty feel at ease and in control of me.

Consent, whether to sex or sexual acts or otherwise, is no longer a mystery to me. While it is something that is sometimes hard to navigate, it is not only crucial but necessary. In high school, part of me believed that I didn’t have the right to say no. My self esteem was so low, that I would do it just to feel better -- to not feel like that ugly duckling that was trapped inside of me for so long. To feel in control. But instead, I was taken advantage of. My control over my own body was taken from me, piece by piece, every time I caved and did it or kept my mouth closed and convinced myself this was something I wanted. This is not what sex should be. I want everyone reading this, young or old, male, female or transgender, gay or straight or in between, to know that your boundaries matter. YOU matter. You have the right to say “no”, or say “not now”, or say “I’m not comfortable can we take a breather?”. I treated my body like garbage, and years later, I am finally starting to heal and forgive myself. To see sex as a way to connect with someone, not as a weapon or as a trophy. I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations to try to satisfy that craving and am lucky enough that it never resulted in serious negative consequences. We are taught and conditioned to believe that sex leads to love and connection with a person to make us happy. It is the complete opposite. Someone who can respect you enough to wait until you are comfortable to do whatever sexual acts is someone who you can have a connection with, and maybe some type of love will form. But all of this first comes from respecting yourself, and loving the essence of who you are to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

‘’Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you You're gonna believe them And when you're fifteen, don't forget to love before you fall I've found time can heal most anything And you just might find who you're supposed to be I didn't know who I was supposed to be Fifteen’’

I wish I had known all of that at 15. But I’m Forgiving Myself.

Credit to:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-coercion/ http://www.metrolyrics.com/fifteen-lyrics-taylor-swift.html 

P.S. I changed the name of the individuals in this post because my goal was not to call them out. The purpose in writing this was to release myself from the chains that kept me from telling these stories for many years, as well as to help young women (or anyone for that matter) who may have experienced something similar and can benefit from knowing that they are not alone and that what happened to them isn’t right. 

#sexualassault #sexualassaultawarenessmonth #ohio #rape #experience #triggers

[spiritinabody]

I love having a good time and joking around but i also realize that i have approximately 525,600 hours left of my life to do whatever it is ima do on this planet. and 1/3 of those hours will be spent sleeping.

#aintgottime #weboutadie #igotshittodo #real

[spiritinabody]

#millionstudentmarch #akron #ohio #universityofakron #freehighered #berniesanders #students #fightfor15 #osa #ohiostudentassociation

[spiritinabody]

i hope someday public education will include shit that actually matters like how to communicate without throwing a hissy fit & how to be a man without dominating a conversation & how to make other people more powerful without losing your power

#blacklivesmatter #education #feminism #berniesanders2016 #power #revolution #saveourkids #empowerment

[spiritinabody]

#FireTheScar BatBag SaveUA UniversityOfAkron

[spiritinabody]

My girl Serena Williams, all about that #selflove

Watch: Serena Williams isn’t here for your body shaming — and it’s downright inspiring.

[spiritinabody]

[spiritinabody]

I love when in fiction somebody says “I couldn’t make this up if I tried” after telling an outrageous story because like… buddy… friend… pal… your entire life is made up. your entire universe is made up. you are made up and that story you just told is most certainly made up. but you don’t know that.. you don’t know