sorasorakodoku

[sorasorakodoku]

Mourning the person I was before I lost track of my identity. Mourning all the years that have passed that I can’t remember. Mourning all the people who I’ve pushed away because I was too scared to message.

[sorasorakodoku]

I get so tired of masking, y'know?

It's exhausting pretending I'm a terrible friend instead of being able to say hey, I've got a mental illness that I'm trying my best with but sometimes it gets the better of me. I care. I value you as a friend. But right now I can't see you. Right now I'm "sick." Right now I can't start my car. Something's come up, I'm sorry.

I can't come meet your two beautiful children, now 9 and 7 years old, because the museum where you want to meet is always crowded.

I can't come see you for the first time in a decade because your real friends are too cool for me to even be able to enter the pub where you're hanging out.

I can't let you stay with me while you recover, even though I live just down the street from the hospital where you had your surgery, because I'm afraid you'll resent me for living in a safe, warm home.

I can't come get you in bad weather, even though I have a better vehicle for snow, because I can't handle the thought of having to ask you to stop talking while I concentrate on the road.

I can't come help care for your loved one because your spouse will be there and I don't know them well enough yet (after fifteen years).

I can't take you to your appointment because the parking lot where you need to go is too small and I will look like an idiot who can't even do basic parking.

I can't come visit because you stopped being a safe person after we spent too long apart.

I can't.

Or, what's worse, I won't.

And man, that is an exhausting way to live.

[sorasorakodoku]

I can’t get rid of this melancholic somewhat wrenching feeling.

I’m staring at a particular point, zoning out, feeling numb, disconnected, almost disoriented.

And suddenly, I’m at dinner with family, the room’s filled with laughter, only one seat remaining silent; my senses finally redefined (yet in the eyes of others, I remain unseen).

No one notices my silence, not cause the action itself is unnoticeable, it’s much simpler than that; I’m unnoticeable.

I look down to my hands, fidgeting, biting my inner-lip, but instantaneously readjusting, feeling judged even though no one bats an eye at me.

Every part of my soul is fighting the urge to scream, to feel understood, to be heard for once. I feel like an other species.

God, I hate every movement and sound surrounding me. But with every strength in my body, I tell myself; “You know you have to do this, just act normal.”

Therefore, I grit my teeth, swallowing brusquely. I initiate with a head-turn while observing the conversation, mirroring their gestures. Eventually laughing along, but It’s all an act.

Being perceived and noticed is all I’ve ever longed for, yet paradoxically, it’s all I’ve ever avoided.

[sorasorakodoku]

I don't trust anyone who hasn't acknowledged their capacity for evil.

[sorasorakodoku]

[sorasorakodoku]

I sit and think about how we’re all just walking our individual paths but sometimes our paths align perfectly with someone else’s and you either walk the rest of your lives together or it’s just for a brief moment in time and you carry on. We’re really all just walking each other home. Life is so magical.

[sorasorakodoku]

my final act of love is leaving you alone

[sorasorakodoku]

"imposter syndrome is ruining my life"

#thoughts #venting #rant #avpd #journal #ranting

[sorasorakodoku]

As much as an avpd kind of mindset makes you overthink. It never seems to help you make the right choice. You just keep finding yourself in similar situations. Due to not wanting to step out your comfort zone. Deep down we know this, yet its still an issue.

#thoughts #venting #rant #journal #avoidant personality disorder #avpd

[sorasorakodoku]

Your boss telling you that you're maxed on vacation days and that you haven't taking time off in 2 yrs. That you need to take a vacation when you a have high functioning AVPD, introverted, have no friends or anywhere to go.

#thoughts #venting #journal #rant #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #no friends

[sorasorakodoku]

"Having power is realizing when you don't"

#thoughts #venting #journal #quotes

[sorasorakodoku]

My soul seeks solitude while my mind seeks bonded energies. I have been having this internal battle long before I knew it existed. It's hard enough to deal with it. much less trying to make it make sense to people when I don't understand it,

I hate wanting to be understood and yet having no joint interest in human interest.

#thoughts #venting #rant #journal #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #ranting #introvert

[sorasorakodoku]

Who else literally does not talk

[sorasorakodoku]

Being committed to a person who can’t love you properly is one of the hardest feelings to shake

[sorasorakodoku]

things end, people change, life goes on.

[sorasorakodoku]

I'm so lonely. I don't know how to have friends for the most part if I'm not selling myself as palitable to the other person. I just want to be me, but I don't even know how anymore.

[sorasorakodoku]