showingtherealyou-blog1
Trying To Be Oneself In This World
18 year old trying to survive and hold onto myself.Posts will all be very personal: my opinions, my experiences, and my feelings.I needed a place to let everything out and maybe help someone else out there feel less alone along the way. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to contact me! I will provide beif descriptions of any situation being explained at the beginning of any post in cause of any possible triggers. If there is anything I need to go back and flag PLEASE tell me.
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Missing little things
Sometimes memories just hit you out of the blue making you really miss something or someone but the hardest part is just missing how you felt in that situation like I had this friend and I would go to her house all the time. her bedroom was essentially the entire basement and she was super creative so there were little messy projects everywhere and the whole place smelled like paint and candles or incense. so often we would just lay in bed her drawing on her computer while I laid my head on her shoulder and watched. like that is one of the most peaceful things that I ever used to do and sometimes I miss it so bad because she was so open and accepting
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Anxiety happens when you have to figure everything out at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You’ve got this. One day at a time.
(via purplebuddhaquotes)
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Who else’s mom is the cause of their body insecurity?
Everyday there is something mentioned that makes me feel bad about how i look, and most of the time it comes from my mom. Whether it be a comment on my thighs getting bigger or a side remark on how bad my acne is and that we need to talk to a doctor about it, she always manages to make me feel insecure. I try to remember what I’ve learned and remember that those aren’t things that really matter and everyone is beautiful in their own way, but in the end I always feel like I need to change something about my look. I feel like I have to monitor my weight and dress nice and wear make up and spend all this money on beauty this and beauty that. Then when I gained an eating disorder my mom questioned me as to what made me feel that way in the first place. Yet when I even begin to say it could be her fault she throws a tantrum and just makes me feel even more like shit. Moms who don’t think about how their words will affect their kids aren’t good moms.
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What I learned...
I learned that societies views towards mental health issues may be beginning to change more than what the internet led me to believe. Yes, there are still a majority who look down upon treatment and don’t believe in its importance, but the medical community and colleges care more than I had thought.
My depression had gotten out of control due to being away from friends, the stress of school, and my health struggles. My mental health had been in a steady decline for quite a while, and finally it had gotten to where I decided to ask for help. I went to the school counseling center and told them about my depression and severe lack of self-care. I was sent to the local mental hospital for a psych eval which I was completely terrified about. I had never told anyone what was going on with me, and I felt that my family would be angry rather than supportive. I was afraid of what it would be like inside. I was afraid of the financial obligation that it would cause.
I learned...
that taking care of your mental health is not something to be afraid of.
that a mental hospital is run almost like a summer camp with planned activities and times to eat
that you can meet some of the best people in the world in one of those hospitals
that colleges have plans for things like this and they are completely supportive in making sure that you are being taken care of
that you can’t always assume the worst
that you can’t let the societal views of mental illness prevent you from seeking help
that I actually miss it there because it was free of stress, free of judgement, and free of anxiety
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What do you do when you find your home?
How do you know if it isn’t made of stone?
If your home is made up of people rather than a place
what do you do when you find their embrace?
Home is a hard thing to find,
so you best be sure to keep an open mind.
Once you do everything changes
even your personality rearranges.
So what does it mean when you lose that home?
The place in which your being has grown.
That’s the thing about having people as your home.
Once you lose them you are all alone.
You feel empty and depressed
as you realize that they were your happiness.
Your home was your reason to push and to thrive
so without them you no longer feel alive.
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Do you ever just feel like you are running underwater? Everything you do takes so much time and effort but it never seems to get you anywhere.
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my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.
#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE
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When you need meds to help your depression but depression makes you want to skip meds.
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Panic Attacks
Let me just tell you guys that until recently I never realized how awful and severe panic attacks are. I mean I’ve had some in the past and yeah they were bad, but when you have them on a regular basis it is terrifying. It is so draining and you honestly feel lifeless afterwards. It’s made worse for me by the fact that my heart is messed up. I actually almost landed in the hospital because my panic attack made them think that I was having a heart attack. When I have a severe one, I am out for the rest of the day. I am emotionally detached and empty. It feels like all the emotion goes into the attack and afterwards there is nothing left to feel. They are becoming debilitating.
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Video
I love this so much
when the band teacher isn’t at school
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STOP MAKING THE SICK FEEL GUILTY
We cannot help our illnesses whether they are mental or physical, and we cannot change how they affect us with a few simple words. We did not ask for this, and your opinions change nothing for us except make us feel terrible. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to put up with people telling me I should stop taking the easy way out.
Being a part time wheelchair user is not being lazy or taking advantage.
Using a cane or arm crutches is not being lazy or taking advantage.
Taking medication is not taking the short fix.
Cancelling plans because of physical illness is not being lazy.
We do not want to need accommodations. We do not want to need extra help. It’s just the way it is. We only use what is necessary in order to work as well as the next person. You do not know what someone’s illness is or how it affects them from merely looking at them. It is not your place to judge. It is not your place to assume. It is not your place to give advice.
You giving your opinions on our illness or talking down to us for using aides and taking medication is dangerous for our mental health.
I know some people who are terrified to use their mobility aides because of how many times people have made rude and ignorant comments towards them.
I have had people tell me that I am “using a wheelchair when [I] don’t need it and taking that help from someone who really needs it” because I stood from my wheelchair. I am now paranoid and self-conscious whenever I have to use a wheelchair.
Just stop assuming and stop trying to make us feel bad for taking the help that we need. Unless you have the exact same medical condition as me or are a doctor knowledgeable in it there is no reason for you to offer advice. You can’t give advice because you know someone with it either. That’s not how this works.
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I hate feeling the need to lie
I wish I didn’t have to lie so much, but I do. Everytime I have to cancel plans or not attend class or an appointment I feel I have to lie as to the reason. You want to know why? No one accepts “I needed to take care of my mental health” as a valid reason anymore. I haven’t gone to one of my classes in over a week because I need to talk to my professor whom my anxiety has determined is a danger to me although there is no evidence towards that. I have to sit and come up with a lie as to why I haven’t attended class because he won’t accept “ I am irrationally terrified of you but need to talk with you and when I try to go to your office I have an anxiety attack to the point of puking”. Please stop invalidating mental illness because now my mental health is worse since I have to lie.
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Things are nuts
I can’t believe all the craziness that has been going on. Honestly, I don’t really know how to process all of this. My friend is in a very, very shitty situation right now and I hate that I can only console her instead of actually being there. For now, they have their girlfriend for that but what about next year? The girlfriend is a senior and will be joining me at my college next year leaving my friend without anyone to call during an emergency. Then my pain has been absolutely terrible, and I decided to start physical therapy in attempts of muscle strengthening and pain management. Plus I am going to counseling as often as allowed for my mental issues. Things just seem to be so crazy and I really could use something steady right now.
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Daily Chart
I kinda feel like starting a day rating system. At the end of the day, rate how good or bad your day was when you bring into consideration all the things that you struggle with. Mine for example would be set up like this:
10- minimal pain, good energy, low anxiety, ability to do whatever needs to be done and make future plans
5- moderate pain, low energy, moderate anxiety, can only manage about half of what is required
0-severe pain, no energy, severe anxiety, can only stay in bed and try to stay calm
Any number in between would be different combinations. I think I’m going to start doing this.
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Creepy...
So today I took my little cousin with me to the park. She has been asking for me since I’ve been away at college, and she had a blast. While we were on the smaller playground, I noticed this little white car that had driven over fairly quickly but immediately slowed when I moved closer to my cousin. I decided then that we should head back to the car; it was getting colder out anyway. The whole walk back this car was driving the length of the park at like 2 mph. At first you could think, maybe, they were just taking in the scenery, but then they drove in areas where there really wasn’t any view of anything. Paranoid as I am, I immediately went to texting 2 different people my situation and location just in case. The car seemed to almost follow us until we were completely out of the park. Nothing happened, but it seriously freaked me out.
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