shesaidhya

[shesaidhya]

Overwhelming

“If you are depressed you are living in the past if you are anxious you are living in the future, if you are at peace, you are living in the present.” —Lao Tzu

(Image Credit)

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Primarily because so much has happened in my life that messed with my peace, the peace I thought I was calmly establishing the past few months here in my new home.

I thought I found a safe space. I thought I was getting the hang of the new job. I thought I can handle everything with law school. But now I find myself healing a broken heart, overwhelmed by the work load, and dreading what comes next. I am not as confident now as I was a few months ago, and I find myself wondering if I can continue juggling everything on my plate.

Despite this, I try to center myself in the present. Right now, I am okay. I am safe. And I am getting through each day, even the days I thought I will not survive. I am tired, but I am alive. It’s so hard to celebrate the small wins when the uphill climb is so difficult. But I’m taking the time now to write this down and remind myself that I am a survivor. I always have been. I’ve survived my worst battles, so I know I will survive this one.

Let’s go. :)

#survival #survivor #overwhelmed

[shesaidhya]

Timing

Everyone has their own timeline. This is one of my biggest messages. Everyone has their own clock. Don’t rush yourself because of anyone else.  - Jay Shetty

I am turning 28 in a matter of days. While my friends are off getting engaged, finishing post grad, and basically just getting their life together, I am here about to just start my law school journey. My batchmates are now practicing doctors and lawyers and I am just hoping I get to join them in four years time.

It’s easy to say that I am not bound by the expectations of society and that I am confident in my own progress but I’d be lying. There are days wherein I doubt my decisions and I feel like I am just putting myself under unnecessary stress. I have a good job, I can provide well for my family, and I don’t need to pursue grad school. Why should I suffer four years of working full time and studying law when I could just take masters and save money for future things?

But being a lawyer has been a dream of mine since I was in High School. I saw my best friend study law and I always wondered if I could do the same thing. Life really does not look the same for everyone. And I realize... Even if it took me some time to fulfill this dream, I have to believe in the timing of the universe. That I was brought here, that I was brought to this opportunity, because I can do it now. Because now is the right time for me. Years ago, even if I ended up graduating on time, I would have had to deal with law school and depression. I probably wouldn’t have finished. If I did law school before, I would not have the financial capability as I do now. I am so lucky and privileged to be in a job that allows me to pursue this and is flexible enough to allow me to study. Now is the right time. And all I need is to believe that.

So I rally the heavens and the Universe to grant me strength and peace for what is to come. It won’t be easy, but damn it it’s going to be worth it.

#law school #dreams #universe

[shesaidhya]

Trouble Brewing

“Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.” – Roger Crawford

Just when I thought I was working on getting settled, a new wave of challenges are suddenly brought to light. My roommates are moving out and I have to find roommates ASAP and I have to cough up a considerable amount of money for the deposit since we have to start a new contract. Moreover, those are not the only financial troubles I’m facing. I am maintaining a household back home who only depend on my income and I am saving up for tuition of my siblings that are due soon. And did I mention that IF things go great for me with post grad, I’d have to pay a considerable amount of money for the reservation fee?

There was a time that I hated money talk. I hated it because I hate being open about these things and people might think I am asking for money when I am not. It’s just that sometimes, it all gets a bit much and I just need someone to listen. Money is such a taboo topic but it is SUCH a huge part of our daily lives. I am trying my best not to be overwhelmed with everything I have to pay for and to still keep on building my emergency fund in the hopes that I am more equipped to handle any unforseen circumstances.

I have no nugget of wisdom on this one. It sucks to always be thinking of ways to get over financial struggles that don’t seem to end. But I know I have to stay strong now more than ever. As my mom would always say, you always get through every financial problem no matter what. You just have to trust the process and keep working and control what you can. What I can control is paying insurance and saving money as much as I can. I can save up on other costs and make sure I keep my “wants” budget to a minimum. 

I can do this. I will survive this.

#money #money talk #finances #struggles

[shesaidhya]

New

And suddenly, you just know it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

(image source)

All things new are also outside of comfort zones. I’m in the feel good place of starting something new. You all know how it is. The giddy feeling, the stolen glances, the secret messages you pass back and forth. But with all of that also come the questions and uncertainty. Am I doing the right thing? Am I in the right place and right time to pursue this? Am I ready for the responsibility of what is to come?

But as a friend told me, do not look so much up ahead and forget to enjoy the now. Right now, I am happy in a job that I love with people that I love. I am secure, I am able to provide, and overall I am okay. And even more than that, I sleep well and dream well. I feel safe in the arms of a person I can potentially love. It may or may not work but in this very moment, I feel safe.

The goal for this week is just to live in the moment. Enjoy the now so you can have less anxiety to figure out the later. And it goes for anything in life. Sometimes when we find ourselves away from our comfort zones, we end up overthinking and listing everything that can go wrong. We focus so much on that that we forget all the good things that are happening RIGHT NOW. 

My advice to self (and to you, if you read this): Stay present, and stay positive. The Universe listens to your manifestations. Give them something good to work with.

#new #romance #staypresent

[shesaidhya]

Routine

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine. -Mike Murdock

New candle from Sunday Zen. (I am not a Libra, nor do I have strong Libra placements. But for the love of all things new, I light this new candle. :D)

Ever since I moved to my new home, I find myself waking up at around 6-7am. If I were back at my old house, I would change my position, close my eyes, and go back to sleep with no problem. In this place however, I just end up staring at the ceiling and looking at my phone.

In the Filipino culture, I believe they call this namamahay. This is when your body is adjusting to a new place and doesn’t seem quite at home yet so you find it hard to fall asleep or even (TMI) use the bathroom to poop. You don’t feel safe and comfortable so your body reacts in a way that it doesn’t usually.

With new places also comes new routines. As I’ve already mentioned, my waking hours have now changed and I find myself doing more in the morning compared to just being asleep until 10am. I now have more time to meditate, make myself a cup of coffee, and take things slow before the rush that comes with the new job.

Will this stick? I’d be surprised if it does. But with all things considered, I welcome this new routine with a more open mind and heart. All things are NEW! I will come out of this a different person as well. It’s up to me whether that new person will be better or worse, and fuck it I will make sure it is BETTER.

So from my little corner of the universe, Good Morning! :)

#new #routine #candle #meditate

[shesaidhya]

Growth

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong." - Ella Fitzgerald

Say hello to my new plant! :)

Today is Day 1 of the new chapter of my life. I’ve moved out of my family home and currently living in a new place in the new city where my new job is in. All things new, bright, and quite sunny.

I refuse to take the anxieties of the past in this new morning. I took the time to open my computer and write this because I did not want to head to this day without a solid plan and a peaceful state of mind. I am a believer of energy exchange and I did not want the universe to feel anything negative around me. 

But while I am consciously moving into a positive mindset, I also acknowledge that I am growing and learning to move past the negativity I am/was feeling. I do not want to lie and show that I have everything under control. I do not. There are times when I feel like the world is spinning too fast and I cannot keep up. But I have to remember the difference between fact and feeling. The fact is, I still woke up this morning with a solid routine. I made my coffee, did some morning chores, prepared my work things, and now found the time to write in my blog all before 9am. I am keeping up with the business of the world! Even with the quiet anxieties at the back of my head, I found a moment of peace. Now all I have to do is nurture it and take care of it in the days to come.

Happy Monday, and I wish the peace upon you.

#Monday #mondaymood #new job #new place #BGC

[shesaidhya]

Psychosomatic

(of a physical illness or other condition) caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress.

Ever had a feeling so intense you can feel the pain in your heart?

I just felt it now at the most random time. I thought I was slowly moving to a better place in my life. I am starting a new job and I’m also meeting new people, and yet here I am stuck with the pains of the past to the point of feeling a tightness in my chest.

I know physically I am okay and this is definitely not an emergency. There are just some triggers that hit you without warning and then suddenly, being in denial doesn’t work anymore. 

I can’t keep running away from these feelings. I have to feel it, cry it out, and move on. I can’t keep pushing my feelings away. As I’ve read from a book, pain demands to be felt. And I feel it now with such intensity.

So I welcome pain like an old friend. I welcome pain knowing that this is a temporary visit. I welcome pain expecting it to keep me company and eventually leave. Because pain is not the end game. Pain is a temporary stop to happiness and better things. I know I deserve complete happiness, and I know I will get there eventually. 

So hello pain. It hurts, but I’m glad you’re here. Because I know this is temporary and I know that you are here to teach me a lesson that I can take to help me be a better person moving forward. I will be okay. I am okay. And things will get better.

#emotions #psychosomatic #love #self love

[shesaidhya]

Justice

When Justice appears in your life, it means your soul has had enough. You now want true satisfaction and deep meaning, but to achieve these, you must evaluate your outer life using inner wisdom. You must be brutally honest with yourself and do this as an act of self-love. - Kasamba.com

Justice Tarot Card from https://www.kasamba.com/

Two things greatly resonated with me during my Tarot reading session the other day. One was my apprehension about work (which I blogged about last time HERE), and the other was my apprehension about love.

When we were doing the whole reading on that aspect of my life, the Justice card came out and I was asked if there was any point in my romantic relationship where I felt like it was unfair to me. I didn’t realize how bad it affected me until she asked. After the session, I searched the word “unfair” on my Viber and counted how many times I said it. Do you ever feel the need to ask the Universe why? Why is that person moving on while I’m here still dealing with what was left behind? Why does it feel like I’m suffering consequences while they do not? Why am I alone and why are they happy with someone else? These questions hurt, and all I want to do was throw the hurt I’m feeling their way. I want them to feel what I feel. Suffer when I suffer. 

As human beings, I think we have this weakness wherein we want everything to be fair. An eye for an eye. But the truth is the Universe does not work that way. Karma does not work that way. You are sad and in pain now because you had to learn life’s lesson now. When the other party learns their lesson is up to the Universe, not you. You are only responsible for yourself. Being brutally honest with yourself and understanding what the Universe is teaching you is an act of self-love, even if it hurts in the process.

The next few months, I wish to let go: Let go of the pain, let go of that person, let go of the need to be with another person. Don’t get me wrong, I still wish to find that lifelong partner, but I have to realize that I am perfectly happy and I do not need anyone else to be happy. And when that happens, when I can finally be at peace, I can look at my past and be truly happy that they are not alone. That they are happy. That their life is moving forward. 

The last card I got for my love reading was the Strength card. I was told that this is what the Universe wants me to learn. I am strong. I am capable. And I can move forward even when it hurts. So here’s to being strong. :)

#tarot reading #tarot card #the justice #love #strength

[shesaidhya]

The things that make something right Is everything that makes it wrong

#reblog #old blog #different situations #same feelings

[shesaidhya]

Tarot Reading

When you pull this card, Vanderveldt notes, it's an invitation to "release the control you've held over your internal, emotional realm in order to access your innermost truths." - Sarah Regan

The Moon Tarot Card from www.mindbodygreen.com

I recently had a Tarot Reading done by my previous Spanish Teacher. Ever since I learned that she does this, I have always wanted to have a reading done by her. When I was still her student, we called her the Disney Princess on caffeine. She was super bubbly in class and just radiates positive energy. With everything that was happening with me and the growth I had to go through the past month, I really needed her energy to restart my mind and mood.

True enough, the whole reading showed how caught up I was in my head. I’ve recently resigned from my very stable job in media to pursue something that I know will forward my career. It was a risk as I was leaving many of the benefits my previous company has to offer, but the workload has already been affecting my sleep and mental health. For the most part, I know I was doing the right thing, but my teacher can sense that I was not fully convinced about my decision. All my cards were from the Suit of Swords, which she explains had something do with the mind. And yes, I was overthinking everything. On paper, my decision to leave made sense. It was higher pay, with considerable benefits, and it will forward my career in ways my old job wouldn’t. However, I was still hung up with my past issues with the people I am about to work with. It hasn’t even started yet and I’m already bringing baggage from the pains I experienced from working with these people the first time. I was afraid to be bullied again, to be judged again. I did not want a repeat of what happened three years ago when my workmates hated me for something I could not control.

My teacher told me to give the new job a chance and not let my past ruin my present and future. And she’s right. Not just in this instance but with anything in life. How often do we forget to enjoy the present because we couldn’t let go of the past? While all feelings are valid, it is important to also be aware if our negative feelings are becoming dentrimental. The past few weeks I’ve been dreading this new job at the back of my head. I was scared to start because I was already anticipating the things that could go wrong. And the thing is, the Universe listens to us. If we throw negative energy to the Universe, it always brings it right back to us. I don’t want to start my new job that way. I want to be more positive in the coming days and I want to feel the joy of starting something new.

To end the session, my teacher asked me to ask one last question to wrap things up. What I asked was “Is everything going to be okay?” and she drew the Moon card. I don’t know if you actually believe in Tarot Reading but the new company I’m working for is called Luna. :) The Universe is always listening. Everything is going to be okay.

Should you want to have a Tarot Reading session, you can schedule a reading with Jenny Ozoa at https://weavingwithfeathers.com/.

#The Moon #Tarot Card #Tarot Reading #New Job #Overthinking #Mental Health

[shesaidhya]

She Said Hi!

Here we go again.

I've been on Tumblr since I was in High School. Those blogs don't exist now because I wanted to cleanse my social media before I started working. I searched my name on Google and made sure that the sites that come up do not show my teenage angst, cringeworthy poems, and GGSS selfies.

I regret deleting those blogs. Though admittedly those blogs would still make me cringe if I read them today, it would've been still fun to see my thoughts have changed through the years. Would the things that were important to me then still be important to me now? Would the things that bothered me then still bother me today? How much have I grown as a writer, as a thinker, and as a person?

Nothing on the blogosphere can answer that now. But I do know that if the pandemic taught me one thing, it would be that life is too short to care about what other people will think about me. I deleted my previous blogs because I was afraid of what potential employers would think about my teenage angst and immaturity. I was afraid maybe someone I will date in the future will find my blog and see what I wrote about my exes. But the truth is, no one cares. Everyone went through their teenage years. Yes, it's cringe, but it made us who we are today. If I get the virus and succumb to it, I wouldn't be bothered by what other people will say about me anyway. I do know one thing for a fact: Writing is a release. Writing makes me happy. And I wanna get back to blogging again, not for anyone else but myself. If you find my words relatable, that's great! But this blog is for me, by me.

So, welcome to the blog! Judgers be damned.

#firstpost #shesaidhya #hello #back to tumblr #back to blogging