Today sucks...
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I was born to be a nobody.
anonymous
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Monster
There are so many people who think they really know me. I think the only people who are even a little on point don’t witness the days I have to struggle through.
I’ve tried to be myself in front of people but it just makes me realize how odd I really am.
I have also come to realize that majority of my thoughts are so dark that I often numb myself mentally and emotionally because I’d rather not feel than think I’m a monster.
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Dad has covid
Mom and I have to be tested
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Suicide Warning
I promised my psychiatrist that I would live my life and not try to kill myself until the year 2022. That’s the year I decide if I want to try again, Something inside me says i’m going to try to keep living but I won’t make it.
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Fight
Sun loves to shine
It awaits for the lost
But some don’t feel its warmth
The darkness consumes the rest
As the sun shines on the found
The lost tremble in the dark
Some stumble upon the light
Others never get out of the cold
Love isn’t always enough
Neither is a map
The only one who can escape
Are the ones who fight
Darkness hides those who give up
The sun can’t find you
You must try in order to find the light
The light awaits you
The darkness is the opposite
It follows you and takes you when you’re down
Your future lies in your will to fight
Stay in the daylight where you’re meant to be
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I tend to struggle with reality and accepting what’s real so my brain makes it all fuzzy and confusing because I can’t cope with what is real
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I understand the pain you feel when you ask someone you look up to to call you by your new name and they flat out say no because that’s not my name and I am the gender God made me.
I understand that religion is important to the majority of where I’m from and that the religion is very traditional but it still hurt when someone I knew as accepting and believed in love more than anything tore me apart with just a few sentences.
That day I asked 2 people I was sure would support me and I ended up crying at home. I wanted to push away the person I’ve become and go back to being and believing I wasn’t “different” but then I realized I had to start getting acquainted with people not approving of my life and the “choice” I made.
Everyday can bring another person to break your heart into pieces and that’s the sad reality of truly embracing yourself in a world where people are taught to ignore or disapprove of what makes you happy because it’s not the norm and doesn’t fit in the mold that has been created and used to shape the “normal” even if there is truly no such thing.
I guess this is just my personal rant or whatever about how I feel like I should just die if I’m going to continue living where I am the invisible until my community wants to put someone down.
Sorry for depressing your feed.
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As I ponder what to do next in life and in work, I remember my next work revolves around forcing myself to keep shelter in the darkness that I have always feared drowning in
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WARNING
I’m starting to feel like a temporary friend for the people I thought I was close to. I guess I deserve it though. I mean, I tried to kill myself a bunch so I get not wanting me in their lives
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There is a laugh waiting to leave this shell of a once happy person but all my thoughts are drowning it out
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I’ve pushed all my friends away and I don’t feel that guilty. I know they will do better without me in their lives. The fact that I have been struggling trying to feel emotions properly makes me want to give up. I’m tired of fighting the thoughts that my OCD produces and I can’t look myself in the mirror anymore.
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Do all the lost get found in time?
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dressed in green but supporting the team
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In one simple moment, I can see a glimpse of paradise. As I hungrily look closer, I lose sight of the happiness that paradise had promised. Now, I realize it was nothing but a mirage as I try to stay afloat in the middle of vast ocean that fills my mind.
My lungs shall fill with water as my eyes burn and limbs become heavy. I wonder how I ended up in the middle of the water or if I will ever be saved. Maybe if I think happy thoughts, my thoughts will somehow come true.
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The numbness is always welcoming but it ruins the days you stay with it
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I hate that I have to tell myself “YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO KILL YOUR MOM” all day and then face my mom like I’m not thinking those things. It takes so much to get rid of all these thoughts.
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