rlbubbles

[rlbubbles]

I've been anonymous for a while, like maybe a half year, and slowly I've been becoming less and less anonymous, I've added my main accounts to my bio in some social medias. and now it's getting closer to my twentieth birthday, and closer to 2020, and I really feel like it's time for me to stop being anonymous. I became anonymous because I hide my emotions and my struggles with mh from my family and friends and also from myself. And it was tearing me up inside. not having anybody to talk to about my mh, about my mom, so I made an anonymous account. I wasn't going to be anonymous, I first made my main account and I thought I would talk about my anxiety and depression on that account, but then I was told that I would be seen as "unstable" if I did. so rlbubbles was born. but the last few months I've learned SO much about mh and myself and mental health shouldn't be seen as unstable. I can understand why it would be seen as such, but honestly, YOU ARE NOT UNSTABLE IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH!! and I've also learned that I've been separating myself, the happy me from the me that has anxiety, depression, the me that isn't "normal", and that's been me lying to myself. lying to myself about the real me. the real me has anxiety, depression and a lot of mh illnesses, the real me acts happy to make living bearable. but I've been lying to myself saying the real me is happy. all. the. time. I'm not. I'm depressed all. the. time. I just force myself to act like I'm not. and I've lied to myself for so many years that I've started to believe that I'm supposed to be happy all the time and when I'm not I become upset with myself. so I'm not lying to myself anymore. I'm not anonymous anymore. I'm merging the parts of me that I have been separated for as long as I can remember. I'm being honest with myself from now on. I'm Alyssa. I struggle with depression, ocd, anxiety, ptsd, and phobophobia. I act happy so I can make life easier to live. this is me.

#mental health #mental health awareness #anxiety #depression #ocd #ptsd #phobophobia #anonymous #not anonymous #done hiding

[rlbubbles]

I can explain nowwwwwww!!! okay, so I'm moving to England to get away from my mom, (she's overprotective like OVERLY protective, like Freddie's mom from iCarly overprotective and she doesn't understand my mh and no matter how much I explain it she never understands, she thinks it's like a sore throat it'll disappear in a day or two and when it doesn't it's *My* fault) anyway I'm moving to England in 2022, but I have to figure out a lot of stuff like, how to become a citizen how to move over there what permits do I need, (e.g. work, study permits) and when can I apply for citizenship, and also stuff like where would I live, which town, and in an apartment, what type am I looking for, ya know... stuff 🙃🙈 and after looking for apartments for a few minutes.... like maybe 10-20 minutes I started to get really discouraged because it's not as easy as I thought it would be, but I took a break from looking at that to boost my energy about England again and I researched the citizenship applying process thing and then got slightly more discouraged lol, because I found out I would have to apply for citizenship after living in the UK for at least 5 years, Which IS TOTALLY OKAY, 5 years is better than 10 or 20, sooooo yeah. but I was thinking I could land off the plane and immediately be like, HI I'D LIKE TO APPLY TO BE A UK CITIZEN 🙈🙈 soooooo, yeah... that also means I have to live in the UK, for five years... but howwwwwww??? so that's where the permits come in, and because I wanna do University in the UK, I can have a study permit which allows me to live in the UK while I'm in University!!! I'm going to get my undergraduate and graduate degree in the UK IM SOOOOOO HAPPPPYYYYYY!!! I found a website which is an organization that will work with me to get everything I need to study in England with NOOOOOOOO headaches!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 I'm going to live in ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

#england #uk #obsessed #University #citizenship uk

[rlbubbles]

hiiiiiii england

I'm moving to England this is some stuff I need to research before I move 💙💙

What do I want in an apartment?

2be 2ba 3be is preferred, a nice view preferably of a park, within walking distance of Tesco lol, near uni, or I could take a tube... okay so it doesn't need to be near uni, lease is preferred, pets NEED to be allowed, £1,000 is my limit for monthly rent...

[rlbubbles]

I wanna start a YouTube channellllllllll!!!! like tomorrowwwwwwww!!!!!! I'm thinking about doing videos on creative writing, maybe some fun videos too on makeup and I don't know skincare, if I want TOOOOOOOOO 🙈🙈💙💙 OOOOOUUUU!!! I could do bujoing... well... actually maybe not because my bujo isn't really "cute" it's literally only my writing of how my day is and that's not really fun... 🙃🙃 it's okay, I can figure it out later 😊😊

[rlbubbles]

Also because I read a downloaded thing, about the organization, I'm EVEN MORE excited about moving and living in England!!! I knew before that the UK school system is different than America's, because... I'm obsessed with the UK, but I'm excited because I used to think oh, if I move to England my kids could study like Brits do, that's cool. BUT NOW ITS OH MY GOSH!!! IM GOING TO STUDY LIKE THE BRITISH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! IM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!! 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

[rlbubbles]

IM SO EXCITED IM SOOOOO HAPPY I LOVE MY LIFE OH MY GOSHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'll explain when I can ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

[rlbubbles]

let's try this again okay.

#starting over #a new era

[rlbubbles]

haha... true...

Paranoia!

#ocd #fear of fears #mh

[rlbubbles]

hhahahahaah... this!! is so TRUEEEEEEEEE!!

It’s “tomorrow” only after you have slept, no matter how much past midnight it is.

[rlbubbles]

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't.”

— Joker (2019)

[rlbubbles]

[rlbubbles]

“if i had killed myself back when i planned to, i would have never experienced some things that i just cannot let go of.”

-a book that’ll be too hard to write

[rlbubbles]

[rlbubbles]

Please reblog this post if you have 'angry child energy.'

Angry child energy means that you are a child or an adult child who is angry at your parents for whatever reason. My mother abused me for 20 years. It took me 7 years to finally tell her the way she treated me was wrong. I am 27 years old and I am an angry child.

Pass it on.

[rlbubbles]

I just want a hug, I just want somebody to hold me and tell me I'm okay. I have no energy, I have motivation and things I was excited to do today, but I keep getting triggered, and I'm just too tired to tell myself I'm okay and face the fear too, I can only say I'm okay, I'm tired. but not of life. I'm just tired. I just want a hug. and maybe for the triggers to stop popping up so frequently. that would be nice. really nice.

[rlbubbles]

i need to find easy recipes that I can do under 10 minutes and with the least amount of washing needed (ocd) so I can AcTuAlLy start eating regularly and stop feeling so "ehhhhhhhh" everyday🦄 to Pinterest to find easy recipes.

[rlbubbles]

I messed up today. I got the aux in the car for our road trip today, and I was playing my favorited songs on Spotify. each song in that list is a song that I found and loved it SOOOOOO much that I kept it on repeat for days sometimes a week or two. they're songs that I relate too, they're songs I've danced to, cried to, sung along with, fell asleep to when I felt like hurting myself but instead got on my bed and hugged my teddy bear and fell asleep. these songs, feel like the writer read all my diaries and all my thoughts I thought but never wrote anywhere. these songs feel like they know me more than anyone else could. these songs saved me from hurting myself, from running anyway. these songs mean SO much to me, too much to explain and I love these songs. I didn't think my family would comment on them if I played them aloud in the car. because they don't listen to music to LiSteN to the music they put music on to hear noise in the background, and they never pay attention to the lyrics. but apparently that changes when I say super excitedly "THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!" when the first note plays and I recognize the song, and why wouldn't it. I just didn't think it would. near the bridge of the song, my mom comments and "whispers" to my brother but I can hear everything, and after 19 years, she still doesn't understand that.

the lyrics are (the song is broken by lovelytheband)

"I like that you're broken

broken like me

I like that you're lonely

lonely like me

I could be lonely with you"

my mom says, he's wrong he can't be lonely if he's with her it doesn't make sense.

my brother says huh? because he wasn't listening to the lyrics, like my mom shouldn't have been doing.

then the next song plays, the next song after that and then a couple songs later that song comes back on because I have it in my playlist twice, ones the original the other is a remix. this time my brother listens. I didn't think they were. and then my brother says "you're right that doesn't make sense. he's wrong."

that lyric. that lyric is my FAVORITE lyric of the ENTIRE song. it's me, in a song. and it DOES make sense, he's lonely, she's lonely, they aren't lonely because they don't have anybody to be around, they're lonely because they don't have anybody around them who understands them, so saying we could be lonely together is saying he finally found somebody who's broken enough to somewhat understand him, and his struggles, his view on life. and he wants to spend his broken life with her, it's beautiful. it's meaningful. it was my favorite lyric.

after my brother said that, my mom commented, "right. i don't know, it's so weird." and i picked up my phone and hit next on my playlist. I didn't want my song to have to be bullied like that. I DIDNT WANT TO BE BULLIED LIKE THAT.

i think I take things too personally. maybe it's wrong. but it makes me me, and i wouldn't change it. for anything.

so I'm not going to show my family and friends anything of mine that is my favorite ever again. DRASTIC. maybe. but I need to. because if I show you something that means so much to me, you better treat it like its my husband of 50 years. because that's what it is. (metaphorically of course 😛)

if I have a favorite quote, if I have a favorite movie, if I have a favorite color and song, favorite scent, favorite food, favorite dessert, if I have a favorite animal it means that whatever it is, is my favorite, meaning it brings me intense happiness when I see it, hear it, read it, eat it, pet it, anything. it also means it's fragile to me. if someone (family, friends) says something making fun of whatever my favorite is, it instantly doesn't bring me happiness anymore, instead I think about what that friend, family member, said about it and I feel dumb for ever liking it.