recoveringwhatsleftofme

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Had a doctor ask me if I need to go back to treatment. Heart rate is back to being unhealthy high. I didnt know I was struggling this much. But physical symptoms don’t lie. I tried to let my parents know and that I have to get a couple tests done. They were so dismissive. When I told my mom the doctor asked me if I needed to go back to treatment she told me I was “making a non-issue an issue” Ok thanks but no one’s heart elevates like this for no reason. Not to mention this is a repeating pattern when I have relapsed in the past.

What freaks me out is I didn’t know. But four people have noticed differences in me. Including my mom! I don’t have the money to get help. I have to figure this out for myself. And I’m too depressed to do much.

The first time I got bad I pulled myself out of it alone. Weight restored and everything. Second time I had to get help. The thoughts were so oppressive and my reaction to food was not something I could handle alone. I got myself into a center and did that 367 day journey alone. I told myself at that time I wouldn’t relapse again. I knew I was alone and that without job security there wasn’t a way to do treatment again. This time is so different. The thoughts aren’t there.. there’s some thoughts but it’s not at all the same. I can say for certain I don’t want attention for my body. I don’t want validation for my body. I don’t believe my life will be better if I’m thinner. I know it’ll get worse if I do entertain those thoughts. So if I’m conscious how am I unconsciously restricting this much?? It doesn’t make sense. But I know I’ve lost weight. I know my heart feels weird, my memory has gotten comically bad, my body aches and I’m weak. Symptoms don’t lie. But where are the thoughts. Where is this showing up?! How am I suppose to stop it if I can’t figure out how to bring myself safety in a society that’s falling apart.

I want to enjoy my life so badly. But I can’t afford to. I don’t want to die in my 40’s from my ED. I want to live a fulfilling life. But I don’t control the economy or how little people want to pay for my hard work. I’m not intentionally harming myself and yet it’s being harmed.

#recovery #struggle

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I really can’t find my hope anymore. Im not debilitated but the cracks are starting to show.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I need to learn the different parts of me that need love and connection and find the things that fill those parts individually. Fulfill the pieces of me that feel so lonely.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I wanna talk about a guy.

But I don’t want my thoughts so physical. We are connection without timing. Our timing in all sense of the word is wrong. We met exactly when we needed to but not when I would’ve wanted. A part of me hopes we reconnect but I know that’s not possible. I’m across the country and only a month ago he told me he’s dating someone. And it’s ok. I just enjoy sharing the same atmosphere as him. If life was a piano he’s my favorite note. Other people are on that keyboard too but his note sings the sweetest to me. Not in romance. Just in vibe. I told my friend his sharp edges are the same shape as mine and for us that translated into the same taste in design. It also translates into not being able to read him very well. There was a time when we were together I had to ask him if he was still interested in me 😂. But also that same friend hits a note that’s much closer to love than his note. And the girl I’m talking to hits her own note. Although it’s not to my tune it’s a lovely melody. I think even if he leaves the piano he’ll be his own beautiful note to me. Always existing in my atmosphere even without active connection.

I think I want my community small. But my experience vast.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I cooked today.

This probably sounds silly but I’m just so proud of myself. I went home for the holidays and asked my mom to teach me how to make beans and rice. We have family recipes and my eating disorder just won’t let me cook. I’ve tried so hard but it just won’t let me do it consistently, without anxiety attacks or without really ridged food rules. But I learned. I had a panic attack when I was learning but I did it.

So now that I’m back I decided to order all the ingredients for the food and I made it. I had to cook in a communal kitchen which is something that usually makes me want to break down just thinking about. And people did come in and out while I was in there but I made myself food. I made tostadas. My family eats them once or twice a week and since I moved away 2 years ago I haven’t had them. It was stressful and I had to call home twice to figure out why my rice wasn’t cooking all the way. But I did it. They tasted like home.

#ed recovery #recovery #annnnnna

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Been dealing with so many problems tryna carve out a life for myself. Fuck the times we live in. AND I’m still gonna make this life my bitch.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

My entire mood going forward is just “I’ll fuck your dad and your mom. Now get the fuck out of my way and let me work.”

#get motivated #fuck it

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I’m just lost. It’s 2:28am and I’m just feeling lost. I’ve been feeling for a while now that nothing really matters and for whatever reason it was so motivating and freeing. I moved halfway across the country back to my hometown and moved in with my sister. I set goals by the end of summer to live in my dream city and go back to school for the soul reason of getting financial aid so I could live in that city. But just like everything all the worse case senerios are happening. My financial aid was filed in June and the school kept pushing me off whenever I’d call to ask if they got my info yet. Finally I made them look it up and their saying I’m not even in their system despite two months of constant correspondence with the school, signing up for the classes and having a meeting with an advisor. Also trying to withdrawal my 401k has been incredibly difficult. I’ve been trying to get it out since March. I have to call tomorrow to see if the got all my paperwork in the fucking snail mail so they can snail mail me the check. Meaning I might not have the money I need to make the move across the state. I have to have an apartment by September but without that 401k money which is only $2700 I can’t do it. On top of that I don’t have money for groceries anymore. I’m borrowing money from my parents which is incredibly hard to do with them, the amount of guilt I feel each time I reach out is awful and each time their giving me less and less and it was already a small amount to begin with. I lost my job I had here. My car broke down for the first time ever. I’m getting tired. I’m getting so damn tired. The anxiety is making my hair fall out now. My ED is loud but I’m still managing to eat at least once a day. I’m doing absolutely everything I can to try and progress forward despite everything going wrong but like idk what I’m gonna do if the financial aid doesn’t go through. Also even if it does and by some miracle everything works out and I move to this city it’s looking like we’re probably headed into another lockdown. I’m feeling my mortality in such a cruel way right now. I feel a lot of suicidal ideation. I still have my goals. My dreams. I’m still pushing forward but idk I just don’t know how much more beat downs I can take. I don’t know if I did something bad in a past life but I think even if I did ive repented 200x over just in my childhood. When if ever am I going to finally be able to be out of survival mode. When will it get easy enough to just eat a full days worth of food. When will the panic attacks stop and I finally feel safe. I just don’t know if it’ll ever happen. I don’t have a support system, I no longer have therapy, hell I don’t even think I have health insurance anymore. I don’t think I’m a greedy person asking for too much. I don’t have any place to go or call home. I feel like an intruder in this house almost just as much as I did in my parents home. This life hasn’t been fair and I accept that. I keep making back up plan after back up plan but at some point I just need one thing to work out for me. One fucking win. Anyways I’m doing my best to fight off my SI but damn is this cruel reality making it hard tonight.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

It feels like this is never going to end. I can’t fucking recover in an abusive environment. My body is starting to struggle hard too. No more fucking period and I’m starting to have pain shoot through my heart. Resting heart rate is way the fuck to fast too.

I’m suppose to be moving in two weeks. I had a whole plan too. I was gonna move by myself. Just me. I was going to rent a moving pod so I could ship all my stuff to the new state ahead of me and then drive and sleep in my car for two days while I head up there. Now my abusive parents are forcing me to attach a hitch to my car so I have to go to an auto body shop to do that. Rent a UHaul and now they are both BOTH planning on traveling with me on my dime back up to Washington. I don’t have the money to do their plan but I don’t get a choice in this. On top of that I’m not fucking packed, I was applying to art school which is all due at the end of June RIGHT WHEN IM MOVING. This is all too much. I can’t cope with this I don’t want to be sober ever anymore, I’m constantly smoking weed to get me out of panic attacks. I can’t fucking eat because I’m too anxious and there’s no fucking food in the house. I only have/had $4K to move half way across the country. On my own I can do that but now I don’t think so. They’ve fucking trapped me. I feel so trapped. The verbal abuse is so fucking bad right now. It’s all crippling me. It doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to stop. SI is filling my head right now.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I’m getting so sick of people forcing their opinions on me. I’m cutting my hair tomorrow and it’s a big deal. My hair is almost down to my waist. I’m also Native American so there’s a lot of cultural significance around hair. But look I’m 24years old I have long curly hair that I have to spend an hour brushing out everyday. Ontop of that my mental health is not in a place where I can upkeep my hair. And This isn’t me being impulsive cutting it. I’ve been super methodical about this and have wanted it done for 2 years now. I’m about to move half way across the state back to a toxic environment and I want to feel like myself not a social façade I’ve built up thanks to my eating disorder. I still honor my ancestors by going to powwows, by wear my tribal jewelry, by practicing indigenous medicines and smudging and by being an activist. Cutting my hair does not make me a bad native. It makes me empowered. I’m working hard to take over my life and not submit to what everyone else wants. I just wish people would stop making me feel like such a bad person just because I’m cutting my hair. I’ve done nothing wrong. 

#native american #ed recovery #body dysmorphic disorder #body dysphoria

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Ate a breakfast for the first time in 2 months. It was small but I ate it.

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

I don’t wanna live like this again. I absolutely hate this disorder. I just want to be able to enjoy a fucking meal with my friends and family. I don’t know what to do right now. I have no money to go back to treatment. I feel so lost.

#ed recovery #struggling #please help

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

What the heck are you suppose to do when you know you’re relapsing but you don’t have money to go back to treatment? Like seriously I just struggled to eat three baby carrots and 24hr accidental fasts are becoming more regular.

#struggling #ed recovery

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Having a day where I don’t even feel human.

I went to TJ Maxx and when I tell you how bad my body dysmorphia got just looking at cloths was absolutely ridiculous.

It’s really sucks this is happening today. I bought the cutest cat ear phones that are suppose to arrive today and I was going to make a tiktok wearing them and like introducing myself and my art and now nope. No freaking way is that happening. I feel like a just tub of lard today.

I guess what I’m tryna say in a more recovery mind, recovery isn’t linear and it looks like today I’m having a pretty bad dip.

#ed recovery

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Having a good body image day!

#ed recovery

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

The anxiety is bad but I’m on track to eat three times today 🥳

#ed recovery

[recoveringwhatsleftofme]

Spiraling so hard. I spent $1500 out of pocket to get an  endoscopy to find out my metabolism is just fucking slow and my stomach is inflamed because of that and the doctors solution was I need to eat regularly. Bitch I wish I could. I 100% need treatment again but I just spent $1500 I didn’t have. I’m broke, I’m unemployed, I live with my parents. Of course my anorexia is out of control. Nothing in my life feels safe or stable. My parents are not even a little supportive to help me in my recovery process so I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a large body my body has built to keep me alive because I don’t feed it. I want to fucking feed it but there’s no groceries that feel safe to eat. I’m an anxious mess and I can’t get help for it. Fuck idk what to do.