Let's play tell me you have an ED without telling me you have an ED, I'll start.
Whenever someone complains about being fat or needing to loose weight, specially my mom, my first thought is always "so just starve, like shut your mouth, stop stuffing food and you'll see how fast you drop pounds"
Of course I know it's not healthy, and I don't think it in a cruel stop eating meanspo way, but in a genuine what's wrong with starving way, but it's not that hard, she said it today after eating like 3 pastries, that looked AMAZING, like I wanted to binge them all (I just smelled them like the masochistic anorexic dumb bitch I am), and my reflex to her or anyone saying is it's "stop eating, it's that fucking easy like just eat less and starve"
Like I don't say it, cause that would be a one way trip to grippy socks town, but I normalized it so much in my head that seems like the only reasonable way to loose weight fast and I can't understand why people just don't do that instead of making diets, going to the gym etc, I'm going to hell.
This probably sounds silly but I’m just so proud of myself. I went home for the holidays and asked my mom to teach me how to make beans and rice. We have family recipes and my eating disorder just won’t let me cook. I’ve tried so hard but it just won’t let me do it consistently, without anxiety attacks or without really ridged food rules. But I learned. I had a panic attack when I was learning but I did it.
So now that I’m back I decided to order all the ingredients for the food and I made it. I had to cook in a communal kitchen which is something that usually makes me want to break down just thinking about. And people did come in and out while I was in there but I made myself food. I made tostadas. My family eats them once or twice a week and since I moved away 2 years ago I haven’t had them. It was stressful and I had to call home twice to figure out why my rice wasn’t cooking all the way. But I did it. They tasted like home.
This is going to sound sick but I like the fact that my mom is just now realizing this is a problem, I relapsed about a month ago, haven't binged even once and my max calorie intake was around 900 calories, yesterday she sat on my bed and told me that she has bought me every type of food I like, everything I mentioned trying even once and nothing works, she said that she thought it was that I just didn't eat cause I didn't enjoy the food, but now it seems like I don't eat at all just because and that "I clearly have a deeper problem".
My heart breaks every day when I see her worried, it hurts seeing her buy anything she can come up with so that I'll eat, anything, our kitchen is full of the stuff she knows I used to binge, and she tries to causally offer some, she's tired, she doesn't fight me anymore, she doesn't deserve a child like me and I'm going to hell for breaking the heart of the woman that would give her life to see me happy
But now I feel validated, and not just by the people who follow this blog or that call me skinny, but by the people I live with, this isn't just play pretend being anorexic, I am sick, and nothing will come in the way of me getting skinny.
today was rough, but i'm glad that i burned so many calories.
milk 900 ml — 347 kcal
a sip of kefir — ~5 kcal
flavoured straw for milk — 24 kcal
monster ultra 500 ml — 12 kcal
iced tea 200 ml — 2 kcal
total: 390 kcal
alright i said i wouldn't weigh myself today, but i did anyway. -0.1 kg lost. that's a small amount, but i'm so bloated i'm happy i lost anyway. i have to weigh myself tomorrow too for tiktok accountability, so now i'm chugging water in order to get rid of water weight. i'm getting my fitness watch tomorrow, so now i'll be able to track my steps even at work!
Is it just me or Is everyone experiencing like recovering then relapsing over and over again 🤨🤨 like I’ve been diagnosed with ana since 2018 and first of all I wish i never recovered because I wouldn’t have stretch marks and secondly I never seem to relapse at the right time 😭 I always relapse in the winter with exams coming up rather than the summer 💀