punchfacechamp1on

[punchfacechamp1on]

[punchfacechamp1on]

“Everybody gets butt hurt over words. The ‘Me Too’ movement was necessary. That was good. But then it just turned into everybody getting way too sensitive. You’ve got these people trying to create a bubble-wrapped world where they’re never going to hear a word that hurts them. Just so they can always be comfortable. It’s human nature to want to be comfortable. No problem with that. But if something makes you uncomfortable, you don’t get to make a rule that the rest of the world can’t say it. I give it another two or three years. There’s no way it can last. It’s happened over and over again throughout history: people get soft, then they get hard again. Just wait until the next really deep recession. It’s going to seem pretty self-indulgent to obsess over other people’s words. People are going to get strong again. And that’s good. I like strong people. It’s not that I dislike weak people. I just like strong people more. I was with my friend Christina the other day. She had her little boy with her, and she’s letting this kid run into everything. He’s running into things with his face and his head and his body. And Christina is letting him, because Christina knows. She went to state, she went to nationals. She almost became a professional softball player. Christina knows what it takes. And she doesn’t want her kid to be soft. That’s what I like. I like people who don’t want a trophy just for showing up. I like people who can hear a joke, or even an insult. If the words aren’t true then they shouldn’t bother you. But if the words are true, they should sting. Don’t hide from the sting. Embrace the sting. Feel the sting of the words and say: ‘I don’t like this.’ So I’m going to become a better version of myself, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, until the words don’t sting anymore. Don’t hate yourself. Never hate yourself. Just hate the person that allowed you to become what you were, before ten seconds ago. Before you felt the sting. That person is disgusting. That person is unacceptable. That person must be destroyed.”

[punchfacechamp1on]

What do you think love is?

I think of love as a special type of consideration you have for another; learning their schedule and daily routines, their likes and dislikes, mannerisms, hopes and dreams, fears, etc. The process of learning another person feels almost subconscious. Using that knowledge to care for them in the best way possible becomes second nature. I love when I can immediately tell whether my mother will like something or not; I adore being able to comfort my partner when they need it, because I know what feels good to them. Love, for me, has always been providing a considerable amount of space in my mind for my loved ones to occupy.

[punchfacechamp1on]

MLM films + shots of hands touching

[punchfacechamp1on]

[punchfacechamp1on]

So many things remind me of you. I hate them all now.

[punchfacechamp1on]

Susan Sontag, from “Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963″

[punchfacechamp1on]

“If you can’t do anything about it then let it go. Don’t be a prisoner to things you can’t change.”

— Tony Gaskins

[punchfacechamp1on]

“Let this be a lesson in control. Sometimes we lose people we never thought we would. Sometimes the people we trust the most hurt us. Sometimes really unfortunate, really messy things happen, and we cannot control it. Because we cannot control other human beings. We cannot control how they show up for us, or how they treat us. We can only control the way we react. The way we grow from the experience.”

— (x)

[punchfacechamp1on]

James Schuyler, “Daylight”

[punchfacechamp1on]

[punchfacechamp1on]

The worst part of recovery from abuse during your marriage is wondering if you are what your abuser said you are. All the second guessing and hesitation. The anxiety over simple things like "oh, better not get myself that face wash product, that helps me maintain a smidge of self esteem, this week because my husband will be angry if he can't buy booze or a breeze or weed." I lost myself in helping him get where he wanted to be in life. I endured daily emotional and verbal abuse. Psychological games that only he could win. Physical beat downs because "you were being annoying" or "you wouldn't look at me".

This isn't even scratching the surface. Im currently in a shelter for domestic violence victims. There are several balls rolling on housing and I'm trying to contact an uncle for help with a vehicle. I attend therapy once a week, which honestly doesn't feel like enough. I experience flash backs and dissociation. I'm remembering details that have been cloaked in fog for so long. A lot of my daily activity consists of trying not to intellectualize my trauma. I experience Intense physical reactions to thoughts of my husband or the slight chance we might run into each other in public. I've learned through group therapy with him, a pathetic attempt on his part to 'prove I'm the crazy one', that he fits into all the right categories to qualify as a narcissist. And his dark triad scores are particularly high. I've learned, also, that I cannot help him because there is intention to change or grow within him. I am his wife and he feels zero remorse or guilt or shame over physically, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically manipulating and abusing me. I have hours of audio. He says all of this himself. He's said he wishes death, famine, and disease on me and my family. (he's got an insane flair for the dramatic for attention obviously.) I have 2 daughters hes said he loves that are not his children.

I could go on and on and on. The abuse I've endured is heinous and hideous. I feel strong enough now to start putting it down on paper, in the form of poems and stories. But I am definitely going to start a digital journal. Typing is infinitely faster when I'm trauma dumping. Paper and pencil isn't a good medium for the cathartic, emotional release I absolutely need right now. I need to write almost as fast as I think so I'm going to get my laptop from my mom's house. when I put pencil to paper, I get irritated that I can't write fast enough! Ridiculous. So if I type out my internal monologue and memories and all that jazz, I'll feel better writing my poems and stories and haikus with my pencil/paper. The action of writing for the sake of writing is different than 'journaling' for me now.

Apparently I've suffered a big enough trauma that my 15 year writers block has lifted. Ha. I have no idea if anyone is going to read this and empathize or sympathize but if anyone does...I hope you haven't gone through this. If you have, then I am so fucking sorry. Idk why it happens but it's not your fault and you are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness. You deserve all these things and more.

I have to stop for now. I am having trouble seeing. Cry time.

🧡allie

#narcissist #abuse recovery #narcissistic abuse #online journal #first post #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #recovery #youareworthy #youareloved #youarestrong

[punchfacechamp1on]

if i ever become religious again, i will solely be interpreting the nature of God by consulting media produced by terminally online and clearly mentally unwell people. think Gene Ray's Time Cube, Terry Davis's TempleOS, and Bob Hickman's... entire online presence

Bob Hickman in particular is fascinating to me for a lot of reasons. first off, his mantra has wormed its way into my brain and i find myself thinking it at the most random times: "God Entered My Body Like A Body My Same Size" tickles something deep in the reptilian corners of my neocortex. also it helps that he spreads this message by making literally tens of thousands of different accounts across different websites, cold calling random phone numbers, and driving this car around Indianapolis:

what really gets me about his delivery of the mantra is how rote it seems to him. he rattles it off at the beginning of every single one of his video posts, but it always seems like he's a bit distracted and just getting through it for the ten thousandth time so he can say what he wants to. he says it the same way we said the pledge of allegiance in middle school (USAmerican moment), like someone or something is forcing him to.

what intrigues me most, though, is the way he talks about receiving the Holy Spirit. in sharp contrast to the official party line that God is good and being blessed is a positive thing, Bob seems to treat God entering him as a great burden, like some alien consciousness is forcing itself inside. God Entered My Body Like A Body My Same Size, so now it's twice as cramped. God as a parasite; a freeloader; a body snatcher. this is the kind of heresy and blasphemy i can get behind

[punchfacechamp1on]

🥴