not-a-poet-n-i-know-it

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

It’s when the gnawing pain in my stomach makes me nauseous

And feeling like I’m raw and open

Exposed to all

.

It’s when I feel every eye on me even when there’s no one around

And thinking they’re watching and waiting

For failure

.

It’s a shortness of breath and a pressure behind my eyes

And knowing there’s a scream stuck in my throat

Suffocating me

.

It’s feeling powerless and helpless and hopeless

And being stuck in my own mind

Needing an escape

.

It’s everything

And nothing

And I can’t

#i can’t #poetry #i’m tired and angry and sad #just why

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

You left me with the words in my mouth

With the fire on my tongue

.

You left me with the hole in my chest

To completely come undone

.

How dare you start this raging fire

That burns and sears with no trace

.

How dare you suffocate me with my fury

And leave me with no safe place

.

The fumes you make are toxic

The words spew are poisonous

.

I am burning alive in my anguish

And suffocating with each emotion

.

As the smoke rises

And the ashes fall

.

I wonder where you’ve gone

And if I ever knew you at all

#poetry #angry #disappointed #raging fire

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Human rights and equality is not a question of opinion.

Human rights and equality is not a question of politics.

Human rights and equality should be given and never questioned in the first place.

Stay safe, show support, you are loved, you matter and if you are not being heard RAISE YOUR VOICE.

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

You said I could count on you

But you won’t take my side

.

You said you would be there for me

But I can’t find you

.

You promised to protect me

But I’m alone

.

You raised me

Then deserted me

.

I’m an adult

And eventually I’ll be fine

.

But the truth remains

You lied

#poetry #personal #parents #being an adult is hard #you learn alot about people

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Daily reminder!

#sending good vibes

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I haven’t tried this yet, but the logic is sound, so I’m just gonna leave this here in case anyone wants to try it.

I was just about to spiral into a bad panic attack, and my boyfriend goes "Stick an ice cube in your mouth." I'm not really sure where he got the idea, and I kinda laughed at it because I didn't see how it would help, but he was insistent. So I did it.

And now I'm on my second cube, because it worked.

#anxiety #panic attacks #maybe this will help #take care of yourself

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

It had been a long day, and I don’t mind saying that I cried a little bit. There is nothing wrong with crying at the end of a long day.

Lemony Snicket (via bnmxfld)

#lemony snicket #quoteoftheday #i needed this

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I can usually tell when a rough day is coming.

I actually cut alot of people out of my life that cause my bad brain days and it’s helped. Without them to trigger my bad days I can almost pretend to be normal.

This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly better, and that bad days don’t still happen, because they do. What it does mean is that I get a little more breathing room between bad days. I guess I’m lucky on that front.

Still, I can usually tell when a bad day is coming because I get annoyed more easily. I become more agitated and, quite frankly, I get meaner.

I try not to be mean in general (this sounds like I’m patting myself on the back and honestly I’m rolling my eyes at myself). I do alot of smiling and pretending that things are okay.

It’s why I started writing poetry, even though I don’t think I’m any good (now it sounds like I’m fishing for compliments, but I’m not, promise). It’s also why I created this blog. I needed a way to vent my emotions and I don’t want most of my irl people to know what goes on in my head.

But every once in a while a bad day just sneaks up on me and overwhelms me and I just can’t breathe.

Honestly, it sometimes feels stupid to have a broken brain. My life isn’t bad, and I sometimes feel I have no right to my emotions. Which is stupid because people are allowed to feel what they feel, and mental illness is real and it doesn’t care what kind of life you have, but it’s also the reason I feel this way. Does this make sense? I’m not sure.

Now I don’t want people to know what’s going on, but that stupid mask won’t stay on and I’m tired. So here’s a mini rant I’m typing out in hopes that I’ll feel better.

#personal #rant #i don’t want a response #not that i think i’ll get one #i just want to rant

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Oh no, it’s a bad day

Oh no

Oh no

Oh no

...

My gut is turning

Wrenching, pulling

...

My heart is heavy

My brain is rotting

...

I can’t breathe

I can’t get control

I can’t,I can’t,I can’t

...

I’m spinning

Drowning

Flailing

...

Stop... stop... stop

...

Oh fuck, not again

#bad brain day #personal #poetry #it feels like spiraling #like drowning #my head is mush

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

the voice in your head telling you over and over that you’re better off dead and that things won’t get better is wrong. it’s flat out wrong.

#you are important

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Today is not your day

Tomorrow’s not looking good either

.

It’s gonna suck

It will be really bad, until it’s not

.

You are allowed to feel bad

You are allowed to hurt and cry and deal

.

There’s always tomorrow

There’s always a new day

.

Take your time

You’ll be fine... Promise

#poetry #stupid bad brain day #healing is a process #sometimes a slow one

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I am having a bad brain day...

#with all the cacophony in my head i can’t find peace #it feels like drowning #i’m tired and angry and sad #sleep would be nice #crying would be better #i knew it was coming #i could feel it #the thoughts of self-loathing #the heavy chest #the overthinking #damn the overthinking #i don’t want to deal with this right now #i keep trying to push it off #but i don’t think i can anymore #maybe i’ll just curl into a ball for a few hours #stupid insecurity #stupid neediness #stupid bad brain day

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Happy New Year Everybody! Let’s make this year our year!

Happy New Year everyone! More love this #2020 <3

#happynewyear #welcometothenewdecade neilgaimanquote

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

.I’m rolling my eyes

.At your poor ol me’s poor ol my’s

.I’m biting my tongue

.At your feel bad for me sighs

.

.You stub your toe

. My eyes roll

.You’re oh so pitiful

. I think I see my skull

.You have to work

. My tongue bleeds

.You’re oh so busy

. It may fall out of my mouth

.

.You want everyone to feel bad for you

.So you put on a show

.Your the ringmaster of this circus

.And the show must go on

#poetry #personal #frustrated #everyone has problems but damn #venting #i’m sorry #i’m just tired #and you annoy me with your attention seeking

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Adulthood has its clutches in you

“But I don’t feel like an adult.”

It doesn’t matter

“I’m not ready.”

Too bad

.

Hurry little one life is passing you by

“But I haven’t done anything yet.”

There’s no pause button

“I need more time.”

Too bad

.

“Okay, I’m ready to live now.”

But you’re all out of time

“There’s so much to do though.”

I warned you

“But...”

.

.

.

-Time Flies

#poetry #personal #time flies #waiting #wasting away #wasting time #wasting life

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Above My Own

You have been ranked above me

Your feelings more important

In my quest to be kind

I’ve been told I shouldn’t mind

So you are ranked above me

And my feelings are redundant

Now I’ll put on my mask again

Smile real pretty again

And remember

Everyone’s feelings are above my own

#personal #poetry #skewed priorities #selfworth

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

. Intrusive thoughts

“Nobody cares about you.”

“You are worthless.”

. Irrational feelings

“Everybody hates you.”

“You are good for nothing.”

. Untrue statements

“Nobody will miss you.”

“You are a waste of space.”

. My mind is a mine field

#personal #poetry #selfworth #deppresion #anxitey