nikas-thoughts-blog

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

So many young people are deprived of sensible advice from matured and wise adults. We always hear rules being thrown at us but true, logical advice is increasingly difficult to come by. We hear that we should communicate effectively with our partners and hat we should set our boundaries but we are never told of the reason behind it. Or even how our minds and bodies may react during such situations. I wish I would have had the prior knowledge and understanding of how important it is to talk to the guy before engaging in stimulating activity. So that both parties understand each others boundaries and to understand what it can do to a relationship. I wish I knew how numb your mind can become once you're in such a situation for the first time, and how hard it is to stop the ball once it has started rolling. While going back in time is know realistic option, I would do anything just to be able to talk to him now.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I had a dream last night about this guy I have been interested in and during the "romantic" part of it we were discussing taxes. Like in a loving way. But freakin taxes. I'm so done. It must just be that time of the year.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I was at the mall yesterday and I saw a group of girls as I was going up the escalator, and none of them were wearing any foundation on their face. And this may seem like an unimportant issue but they had acne. And I'm not talking a pimple or two, but actual breakouts and yet they had no foundation on. Just seeing that gave me so much confidence to be able to go out in public without makeup on too. For people who have problematic skin, it can be one of the biggest insecurities in their lives to the point that they are spending so much on skin products that don't work and different foundations to try to find one that doesn't cake or highlight the bumps. So seeing those girls who went out all together like that gives me lots of hope. It's not gross to have bad skin. It's human and an actual issue. I wish for everyone to be able to go out uncovered and not be ashamed.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I hear a lot about Asian skin care products and that they have amazing skin and yes I agree, some Asian people I see have skin to die for. But why is no one talking about how amazing skin is for a lot of olive to dark skinned people. Like shoot. They are killing the game. I would love to see those products as well. And on top of all that, they seem so radiant and healthy. Not that skin color or race is that important to me but I do kind of resent my super light skin that's so sensitive and prone to acne or rashes. My darker toned sister seems to have much better skin. It sucks to be so sensitive and light skinned that having a piece of chocolate can cause an actual break out or irritation to the skin. Sigh But nonetheless I'm just happy I'm alive

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I was watching a few old music videos that were from popular songs as I was growing up and I noticed the difference between the beauty standards then and now. I remember watching Shakira's "whenever wherever" video as I was growing up and thinking her body was perfect and it was what I wanted as an adult. Then I rewatched it today and noticed I've been so affected by modern body types that I saw her body from then and thought how it would be considered a bit bigger than average in today's world. But then I realized how dumb it was. Honestly so many artists of that time had amazing body's that were filled out and gorgeous. Like most of their abs were toned and they had thighs. It was ideal. And they can move their bodies too. So many people can't really move that well anymore, or aren't into their sexuality so it was refreshing to see those videos from that time where people's confidence can be seen just in the way they move and carry themselves.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

It's nice to see musicians who genuinely don't care about their fandom. Like the point of their music is to express themselves and to do what they are passionate doing. Yeah, there are a bunch of catchy songs with interesting meaning but it is not true to the artist and you can see that. But seeing them sing or play with an actual passion is so beautiful and rare to see now. Most of the time they are trained to act out a certain emotion or feel but their own personal passion is lacking. It's good to be humble and mindful of your fans but at the same time true to what you love doing. Fame after all is one of the things that lies in the eyes of the beholder. An artist may think they're popular but in reality most of their fame is held in their own eyes. I truly appreciate all of the passionate and unfiltered artists out there.

#I felt the need to rant at 12am #it's my life #so whatevs #honestly I don't care that much #but I just wanted to say this #@ the tumblr abyss of posts that no one sees

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Do you ever feel so guilty for betraying someone? Even if what you did isn't that terrible in the grande scheme of things but the fact that it was done makes you feel like you've committed a terrible crime against someone. Although I've been ignorant and purposefully unavailable these past few days, I want things to be different. I want to be filled with that passion and fire again and I know exactly how I should act or behave to reach that place. But my motivation is lacking and frankly i can't seem to control my actions and personal desires very well right now.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Wow I've been so busy with studying this week and worrying about my dance show I have tomorrow that I weighed myself today and found out that I lost 7 lbs this past week. I forgot that i haven't eaten in a while.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

No

Wow this is the first time in 3 years that I feel myself actually wanting to date someone again. No. Nope. Nine. No. No. No. No. Nyet. Nope. Hek no. I don't care how kind and genuine this person is. They are leaving after one semester. Away. So nope. Nope. And it is a distraction from school so nope.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I can't sleep I literally pulled an all nighter Sunday night, got 2 hrs of sleep Monday night, I hr Tuesday night, was able to sleep in a bit Thursday and Friday since I didn't have early morning classes but none the less, maybe had 6 hrs each on both those days. I workout hard af, I played an intense cardio sport today for 3 hrs, but nothing. Not tired. I was tired when I came home, but as soon as I get in bed, I cannot sleep at all. I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past few months and this week was just so intense that I'm sitting right now in 30 degree Fahrenheit weather with my pjs on and water dripping all over me in hopes that my body will become tired. Maybe just tired of this bull sh*t but tired nonetheless. I'm seriously considering sleeping pills.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Strange way the world works

So during the summer after I graduated I ended up gaining 5 lbs and so I was disappointed and was trying to loose it just not very well. And I ended up gaining 5 more lbs by the time school started for me and since then I've been trying to loose it. For about 3 months I would go to the gym and do super hard workouts including lifting weights and cardio then sauna and steam room. I would on average spend a good 1.5 to 2 hours working out 5 days a week after coming from school so I was exhausted by then. During this time I did not loose any weight, besides just fluctuations about 2-5 lbs up and down the scale. But these last two weeks I stopped going to the gym because of school and will only occasionally go running in my neighborhood. During this time I lost 4lbs. Idk how that works

#rant

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Arrivederci

I had this dream that I created a ballet piece named Arrivederci and truthfully after this revelation of my previous post as an idea, I can see that working. What if I create the music for that piece as well. It would be thrilling. I have now found something to occupy myself with. But truthfully this is more of something to procrastinate my responsibilities with...

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Hmmm

So I've been really into writing again recently and I've been thinking of creating some sort of bs story about a generation of people who were either abandoned at birth, picked up by a stranger, or in general have no solid record of existence. And these kids were all used in therapy offices, children and young adult hospitals, and other places were kids needed an outlet of comfort. But they were used to be 'imaginary friends' for the kids in need of comfort. So none of these 'imaginary friends' exist in the system because they were never accounted for so instead they are used for such services since they will never be able to be tracked down. Well well, keying in on a particular story, let's say for a girl (since I feel I'm more equip to write from that perspective), was assigned to be a certain boy's "imaginary friend" while he was at the hospital and after he was discharged, she disappeared from his life. Years go by and the girl, now grown, is no longer able to act as a child imaginary friend and is released from her services to go try to make a life for herself. By chance she happens to run into this boy from years ago and he feels a familiarity with her that inches him closer to her. She is hesitant to reveal this secret of her past service as his imaginary friend cause she would sound insane to any normal person. So she keeps it a secret as they tumble deeper into their own feelings for each other. But he happens to notice the familiar tattooed numbers on her forearm and he starts to become more curious of her past and the shady cover story she uses as a way to sweep the dirt under the carpet. Things escalate and soon they find themselves hurt and confused as her past is slowly uncovered. His disbelief in what he's hearing and her deadend attempts to try to make him believe slowly tear them apart. Soon he begins to question much more than his beloveds alibi and deep thinking starts to enter the story. Hmm where to go from there...? What if some sort of tragedy happens that separates our lovely lady character from the earth and our male lead truly does believe she is only a figment of his imagination. That she was just an angel sent to guide him. Or what if he begins to loose his mind as well? Or perhaps his mind has been lost and she didn't exist in the first place. What if I have her begin to turn dark and toy with him? What if she realizes that she truly is a figment of this boy's imagination and wants to escape? What if she's willing to do anything to become real? What if nothing can be done? Is he in love with his own imagination?

#that escalated quickly #it's 12am #I'm supposed to be taking an exam #I have things to do #I need to write it out #arrivederci

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

I meant it

My best guy friend and I use to be super super close. Like past the stages of wondering if either party has feelings and past the point where you begin to feel weirded out by how close you two are. We've spent hours in each others cars just talking or laughing or crying. We'd get up early on weekends sometimes to finish school requirements, or get coffee, and even to just watch the birds. He was a grade you get than me so I was always very comfortable around him. There was even a time where after I was done crying to him about some guy problem I had at the time, I showed him the erogenous zones on a female just because I had happened to stumble across a documentary on it the other night. His parents even did my nails for free for my senior ball. I would jokingly ask him to ball like every other day. I would bring him boba during class and tell him I just got the 'balls' to ask him to ball. Of course it was all jokes. We were very close. Like way too close for a guy and girl. And I guess one day during the last few months we got in this huge argument. Since I'm not the type to try to force my side of an argument, I'm naturally a bit more submissive and so he kept saying these hurtful things to me. I couldn't really take it so I told him I won't bother him anymore. So we took a break for about a week and cut off all contact but once that week passed he started texting me again but I could never feel normal around him anymore. And I guess that's how it is after someone says hurtful things to you. You feel like you're walking in a land mine whenever you are just having s casual conversation with them. And so we seldom talk and almost never hang out. He got a girlfriend in the meantime and I'm really not jealous in any way but I feel a bit more reserved then before with him. Well it's been 6 months since the argument, since stopping all conversations, since him getting a girlfriend, since me graduating and leaving to college, basically since our close companionship ceased. We have this mutual friend who invited us to his dance show and so we ended up going together with three of our other friends. He started to act all friendly around me again and I generally felt very uncomfortable since he has a girlfriend technically and really shouldn't be trying to get close to me again how we were before. Laying his head on my shoulder during the show, putting his arm around me, kissing my temple. And I still don't have the courage to confront him so I just stay distant from him. I don't like what he's doing. I have my own life path and he has his so I really don't want to get close to him the way we were before. In my eyes, all the times we hung out were just a waste of time. We could have both advanced ourselves much further but there we were acting as if time didn't exist. It's better we focus on what's really important in our life's and stop getting distracted by each other. So this weekend was our last in terms of hanging out. I told you I won't bother you that day during summer and I meant it. Forever.

#the progression #angst #angsty #honestly I just needed to rant #but for real #this is #sad #but hopeful #Au of my life #tbh #can I just make fanfics of my life #that's cool right

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

There was this guy in one of my night classes who I’ve been noticing lately but I’m not really the type of flirt or confront guys like that. However, we see each other around campus frequently as if we have the same schedule. Again, still not motivation for me to try to talk to him, I would rather let it pass. 

But today I was studying for the class we both have and we very cutely stood in front of me and waved to get my attention since my headphones were in. We ended up studying a bit together and sharing notes and talking. 

Anyways I felt so giddy all day today because of that. Man I just want to be his best friend.

And with all this said I just wanted to announce that

#senpai noticed me #success #now on to being besties #itll happen #Hopefully it wont go to far #Unless of course its in friendship #Hes adorable

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Random ranting

Gosh I was doing research about different countries beauty standards for an ethics class and it truly bothered me how some people's articles would group European and American beauty standards. That's basically the same as grouping Japan and Korea's beauty standards etc. there are similarities of course but they aren't the same by far. Hang out with a group of European people (I'm talking like actually European not the "my grandma's 40% Irish, 20% Romanian, etc kind of people), you will see that the standards are very much different in the way they dress and carry themselves. I'm not promoting one over the other but if you're trying to put an intelligent sounding article on the web like that, try not to make these kind of generalizations. Understand that the way you view people may not be how it actually is. Keep an open mind in general.

[nikas-thoughts-blog]

Wow talking to people all day is so emotionally exhausting so it's nice to have a wall to come home to and talk with :))))))))))))

#loveit #plsdontrespondtome #ever #personalkinks #ihateu #butiloveutoo #ohwell