myjourneytosurvivor

[myjourneytosurvivor]

May 20, 2019

Here it is again, the sadness that only comes with the dark. The moments when it gets harder to remain clean. I know that I am killing myself, risking my life every time I go back to my old fix, but it seems so necessary. My judgement is constantly clouded by who I’m suppose to be, and every time I fall short, I blame myself. I set impossible standards and forget that I am fighting a battle no one knows, one that no other person could every fully understand. His mouth on my neck, taking with it my self-worth. His hands on my body in places that I kept secret for so long, taking my piece of mind. His words as he tells me that I played hard to get, that this was my fault. This is how it all started. I met a boy, I hated the boy, I gave him that second chance, the one where he became my one confidant. I let him in and I’ve regretted it since that first hint of interest. I always had a plan for how my life was going to play out. When I met him, I wanted Law School. I wanted to change the world. I had plans to move to Boston, plans to meet a fellow law student and fall in love. He would be my first everything and it would be perfect. But this imperfect figure came in and decided he wanted to rewrite my story. He decided it was his right, his obligation to break me. Somedays I feel so stupid knowing I let someone so unworthy break me. Some days I truly think I could have prevented what happened. I know that it’s not my fault, but somedays it’s too hard to believe that. Some days blaming my circumstances on myself instead of the people truly at fault, makes more sense that anything. What if I hadn’t started talking to him? Well, he wouldn’t have come over that night. What if I hadn’t lived with those girls? I never would have met him. Would I still have become a victim? These dark thoughts cloud everything, and I wish I could force them away. But with all this bad, I try to remember the good that came. I met someone who loves me for me and doesn’t pressure me. He worships me and makes me feel whole, if only for a little while. I learned who is a fair-weather friend and who truly cares about me. But despite this, I’m still keen on keeping those who hurt me the most, close. I consistently push others aside for the girls who kept my villain in my life, after the main attack. His voice, his smile, they overpower me. I search his face for one simple sign of regret. This is a dream, but even then, I see him laughing at me. I see him taking me whole sense of being and destroying it. I allow people to hurt me because that’s all I’ve ever known. The girl I am closest too, time and time again proves that I am worthless to her, just a last resort when she’s lonely. I’ll make it through, but some days it doesn’t seem possible. Some days, I just want to call it. Some days I’m too broken to go forward.

#rape #survivor #victim #my journey #free write #trigger warning

[myjourneytosurvivor]

[myjourneytosurvivor]

[myjourneytosurvivor]

Just an important message for my fellow trauma survivors:

What happened to you wasn’t fair. Don’t downplay it, or tell yourself that other people have it worse. The bottom line is that it should NEVER have happened. What you feel about it is real and valid. It might not be okay right now, but one day it will be. Thank you for surviving. I’m so glad you’re here. 

[myjourneytosurvivor]

You

My eyes close and there you are. Always grinning and telling me you love me. Then the scene changes and you are on me, breaking me. My eyes open, hoping to wake from a nightmare, but this isn’t a nightmare. It’s the story you wrote for me. The one that has no silver lining, no happy ending. You wrote a tragedy and left before it was finished. Your masterpiece as flawed as you, The question lingers, why did I give you the pen? Why did I let you write this story? I spent my whole life fearing this would happen, and somehow when it began, I was blindsided. Maybe it was because deep down I knew you were interested and I had never felt that before. Maybe I thought I had the power, not knowing that you were in the shadows, waiting for me to show my weaknesses. Silly me, I happily let you in. I showed you my weakness, looking for a friend. You let yourself linger, coloring my heart and scars with friendship. When you got tired of the painting, you ruined it with red. Red like my blood, from the wounds you made. The bed covered in the destruction, my home forever tainted. The bed became my dungeon and I constantly fought to be free. How could I go to my oldest friend, dreams, when I couldn’t even sleep? Everything seems so silly now, two years out. I still don’t know how I let this happen, I will forever blame myself. I should have seen it in the way you talked, the way you looked at me, like a predator stalking his prey. You saw an opening, a girl who wanted to feel whole, and you made her feel nothing. You killed her, that little girl with the broken heart. Now stands a girl, unsure of herself, working every day to find new happiness. Working to make a new life, one from the rubble. The foundation was laid, uneven, but still there and strong. New support arrived, a family who stood by, who buried the girl they knew, and accepted this stranger into their home. A boy who saw how broken I was and stayed. He stayed for the bad, no matter how hard I try to make him leave to find someone who's already whole, he stays. All of those things happened because of you. So yes, you succeeded in destroying the old me, but you mistakenly created a force that can’t be stopped. I will not stop fighting, no matter how tired I am, because I refuse to give you the power to control me. You have it now, I’ll admit that, but I’ll be in control soon.

#broken #sexual assault #rape survivor #Survivor #trigger warning #recovery #rape #saved #you

[myjourneytosurvivor]

Two Years

It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fake. When I get that moment of calm, not needing to run around to deal with all that keeps me busy, I waste that moment on you. I waste that moment wondering where you are, if you are near me, if you are planning your revenge. I wonder how that crooked smile, that tooth gap and the ridiculous tattoos could ever hide this evil. You got into my head, you made me feel special. You took every part of me I had never given anyone, and instead of keeping me together, you threw everything out the window. You smashed me with your hammer and made sure there was no whole pieces left. Every time I cry, every time I sleep, you are there. You are there making me feel useless, making me feel unremarkable. You are making sure I cannot stand on my own, making sure I can barely stand at all.  I may never truly see you again, but you’re there in every man who walks near me, in every person who threatens me. Your reign will never end, your power much stronger than you get credit for. For someone who has no intelligence, you are smart enough to control me, control me from your apartment in another state. I cannot keep tabs on you, you made sure of that but you, you can keep tabs on everything I do, no matter how much I try to hide, no matter how strong I get. You will always have the upper hand. You will always be the reason I cry at night, the reason why my happiness is hanging on by a thread, one you can cut at any time. You hold my entire being in your incapable hands, you stand by ready to destroy me again, ready to break me completely. You wait for me to take my last breath, so you know you did your worst. Some days I want to just give in and give you this satisfaction, others I fight tooth and nail just to avoid the sharp edge of my old friend.

#recovery #trigger warning #rape #survivor #broken #me too movement #metoo

[myjourneytosurvivor]

Everytime

Every time I feel safe, anytime I think I’m moving forward you pull me back. It could be from seeing your face in every man I see or a word that repeats what we went through. I’m tired of writing about you, but you color every moment of my life. Everything after you has been tinged in black and blue. All my decisions in the aftermath made by a girl with nothing left to lose. I risked my life to give myself a few moments of freedom when I had another kissing me, it felt like a cure, but it was only a temporary fix. No one’s kiss has that much power. Instead, I found solace in a sharp silver weapon. The blade leaving me with a feeling I forgot existed. A pain that eventually goes away, one that stays with me but doesn't nag at me. Though my legs bare the purple stripes more than anywhere else I know that it’s nothing compared to the pain inside me. I want to get somewhere that I can write about everything around me. The whine of my dog when my hand leaves his body, the arms of a man I love around me as I sleep, as I cry. The hum of my favorite record filling the home I made for myself. One day, all of this will be the soundtrack of my life, the movie that keeps playing. One day my horror movie will end and make way for the happy ending, one you are not a part of. One where you are held responsible for the harm you cause. While this all sounds like a fantasy now I know it will come true. I will make it. I will give myself all of the things I’ve always desired. You may have dulled my flame but you didn’t extinguish it and I’m adding fuel to this fire. I will be a force to be reckoned with and you will wish I spared you. You are not going to go free from punishment. You’ll have to see me shine and know you have no power over me anymore. I will be free, sooner than you know/ April 1st will change nothing. You will not come into my life to hurt me. This is the end of your reign. Kiss the throne goodbye because I’m staging a coup and taking what is rightfully mine.

#survivor #coup #power #me too #times up #freedom #moving forward #rape #rape victim #rape survivor #sexual assault #my story

[myjourneytosurvivor]

Dear Friend,

           I never thought you would be the recipient of one of these letters, but as I’ve dealt with all of this, my true feelings are becoming more evident. I blame you for this. I told you he was a bad person, I told you I didn’t want him in my life, in our lives. No one listened. You were all selfish, and after you were even more selfish than I thought possible. Instead of supporting me, you kept him in your life. You talked to him, let him think he had a chance to get in your pants. You took pictures with him and posted them on Snapchat, and when I blocked you, you told me I was being dramatic. You told me how he was messaging you to hookup. I hope to god you never experience this pain, but I blame you. You in no way supported me until it was too late. You are one of the most selfish individuals I’ve ever known. I will never forgive you. I can’t. Every time he came up in conversation, every time I saw his face, I was forced to relive the worst thing to ever happen to me. You didn’t care, you never did. I don’t know if I want to remain, friends, because I’m not entirely sure I can ever fully forgive you. You played a part in this, and you refuse to acknowledge that. You still don’t care, you still put yourself first, and I do what I always do, I put all my friends first. Well, I’m putting myself first, and you may be one of the first to go. So this may be a goodbye, at least until I figure out if it’s possible to forgive you.

#betrayal #survivor #friend #broken #lies #me too #forgiveness #believe #victim #rape victim

[myjourneytosurvivor]

What if?

Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didn't give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl who is just trying to justify what was taken from her. I know we weren't meant to be and I know that I never would love you, I know that I wouldn't have given you such an important part of me, but I just want to feel like I have the part of me back. I want to replace what you did with a happy memory, of two kids in love, who can't get enough of each other. I will never be a carefree child again. That was taken from me and shattered into a million small pieces, with parts missing so as not to let me rebuild. The new me is scared and weak more than I am strong. The new me has memories that shadow every laugh, every smile. The laughs are as fake as the shows on TV. The kisses from my boyfriend will never truly make up for the first kiss that I don't remember. That first kiss of poison. The one that started this mess and the one I knew I shouldn't have let you take. As the days go by I know that you will be farther away. One day you'll forget this girl with half of a heart. But I will never forget you. I will always see that gap in your teeth as you're trying to impress me with the silver car and the avocado tattoo. I'll never forget your breath in my ear as you used my friends nickname to break me even more. The shadow of you wiping the blood and the proof off of my legs. I wish the memories were so easy to get rid of. I wish that every cup of wine, every shot of whiskey and every cocktail of medicine was the magic eraser I so desperately seek. I wish that bad memories truly faded as much as the good. Every move I make now is calculated and well researched. Every time I leave the safety of my home I search the crowds for you. I desperately yearn for complete freedom, the type that only comes when you take your last breath. Years may make this pain easier, manageable but not a nightmare I can wake up from. Not the mumblings of insanity. That dark in your eyes will paint my fears for the rest of for forever. The simplicity of hate is awe inspiring. The death wishes are much easier than what I truly yearn for; an acknowledgement of what was done, what you stole and an apology. This won't heal me but I just want to know you feel this like I do. I don't want to be alone in my suffering.

#survivor #rape victim #healing #trigger warning #inner strength #what if? #questions #essay #broken #me too #believe #support women #feminism