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PICK A CARD: The ☆Glow-Up☆ 2024 Has Planned For you
♠︎ “At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Disclaimer: This is a general reading, take what resonates. 
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p1 → p2 ↙︎ p3 → p4
✧ Pile One ✧ (queen of cups, 5oC rev., 10oC, the chariot, the magician, 4oS)
Release.
➣ The central theme of this glow-up is inner fulfillment. You are on a journey of true self-love. The queen of cups is sitting proudly at the front of the spread. Major water energy here. You are unraveling emotional trauma down to your roots and reevaluating past attachments and burdens with the six of cups.
➣ I picture floodgates opening, allowing all of the pent-up emotional turmoil to release and finally free you on a deep psychophysiological level. You released something, an attachment or mindset that was set in motion during your formative years that was hindering your ability to hold compassion for yourself.
➣ Shuffling my music, "Daddy Issues" by the Neighbourhood came on. I also saw the hierophant while shuffling the cards. You experienced a lot of undervaluing and emotional neglect in your home. Emotions in your home were taboo and possibly even punished.
➣ I feel like the people around you growing up, were either always dissatisfied with you in some way or made you feel small. Since this is a group reading, it is hard to word this without excluding a large chunk of the audience, but some of you grew up in a home situation where any form of outward self-love or expression was met with a lot of negativity and ridicule. 
➣ This forced you into hiding your true self which groomed you into a mental space full of self-criticism and doubt. In your mind, you were unwanted or inherently broken in some way and deserved less. The way you were treated created deep emotional wounds in your young psyche which made it hard to feel satisfaction within yourself or with the outer world.
➣ With the five of cups, I get the sense that you had felt you were in a desert and unable to fill any of your cups so to speak. Baby, that’s coming to an end. The ten of cups is at the center of your spread with a big ass RAINBOW touching corner to corner. The drought is over. The dark days are over. The sun is shining and you can taste hope again. 
➣ On this self-love journey, you are currently grieving (releasing) a degraded perception of yourself along with any beliefs that inhibit you from feeling good about your character.
➣ You are realizing just how enough you are and flushing out all of the poison that was crammed in your head about being inadequate. You are freeing yourself from the chains of feeling unworthy of a good life.
➣ You will find true beauty in every corner of you. Beauty in your laugh, beauty in how you dance, beauty in how you take care of yourself, beauty in what you care about, inner beauty that cannot be taken from you or scaled down. You will nurture your inner world, thus adding color to your outer world.
➣ During this major life-changing period, your view of reality will flip in a way you never thought imaginable. Life will feel worth living again. Your music will move you more and the swift pass of wind will invigorate you with new ideas for creative projects that will propel you forward to lifelong prosperity.
➣ I’m hearing 🎵 “… I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so proud of you” from Make Me Proud by Drake. Congratulations babe, you just broke a fucking karmic cycle. 10 of cups, following the 5 of cups??? You have graduated from a dark knight of the soul and are now approaching new, abundant energy.
➣ The universe is proud of you. Your ancestors are proud of you. Your inner child is proud of you. Your God(s) is proud of you. All of the cells in your body are proud of you. You have released something cosmically within you. Please hug yourself and have a good cry because you are doing something you never believed you could. Your hopes and dreams are unfolding.
➣ Get ready to make your daydream your reality.  With the chariot, you’re prepping to TAKE AWWFF BABY. The release of this blockage has raised your energetic vibration and is ushering bountiful opportunities into your life, new passions, new ideas, and new connections. 
➣ Your newfound faith in yourself is going to give you the courage to go out and experience life. Most importantly you will find satisfaction in the mundane. Every frame of your day will be brighter and feel better. You have gone from 5 empty cups to an eternally flowing fountain. Take the time to thank yourself for all of the hard work you put in to get here. 
➣ Advice: Extend yourself grace. During this period, you will have enlightening moments that will unlock pieces of the puzzle surrounding your trauma and a lot more will make sense and become easier to process. 
➣ However, as the flawed humans we are, we tend to make sense of something and then turn around and beat ourselves up for not realizing it sooner. Or, minimizing our pain and criticizing our past selves for not doing more about it because hindsight truly is a dirty dawg. No that is not how it works. 
➣ That’s like when you were in school and the teacher would start bullying you for not understanding a subject. YOU HAVE A DEGREE??? I’m fourteen?? Of course, you can say it's simple when you have already “graduated” and learned from it, not when you’re in the middle of experiencing it.  You gained clarity during this tower moment and can now see the bigger picture and liberate yourself. 
➣ Younger you fought to make your way through the fog and deserves grace because you would not be here today without your younger self’s perseverance. Forgive yourself for the time it took to get here and see the beauty in your evolution throughout the journey.
➣ Also, drink plenty of water and get rest!! It’s Pisces season, and a Pisces new moon is coming too. Most of your trauma will unravel while you’re unconscious. Please get plenty of rest and hydrate. This pile has Cancer/4th house energy written all over it. Mother yourself during this period. Clean your room, make your favorite foods, watch cheesy movies, and splurge on special skin care. Pamper yourself. okay I'm done. KISSES.
"My consciousness has outgrown this vessel"
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✧ Pile Two ✧ (4ofS, the tower, the wheel of fortune, the emperor, the lovers, judgment, 7ofW, ace of wands)
Life's gotta always be messing with me (you wanna see the light) Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I) Can't I take away all this pain? (You wanna see the light) I try to every night, all in vain, in vain
Justice.
➣ I asked for a song to explain the central theme of your reading and I got "Freak on a Leash" by Korn. I get the feel that one of the main struggles of your life path is unfair judgment. People are quick to create a false narrative of you and run off with it.
➣ If you read my last PAC, “What is most alluring about you”, you may have chosen pile 2 or 3. With the seven of wands, you are constantly under attack.
➣ Take what resonates but I see a few scenarios. People may be quick to paint you as a bad person without getting to know you. Your public reputation was heavily influenced by rumors from people who intentionally wanted you to be disliked. People will take something small, blow it out of proportion, and try to impose it as a character flaw. Oh, you don’t eat the crust on your sandwich? How wasteful! There are starving kids out there, you’re so inconsiderate!! and then everyone else in the room who claims to not like you (but are truly your biggest fans) are oooing, ahhing, and egging that hating ass bitch on. 
➣ I’m seeing a bus. You may have been betrayed and thrown under the bus a few times before. This is the pile of my Lilith placements. Your power is your ability to garner attention, both good and bad. You attract a lot of envy. The ugliest emotion, in my opinion. It’s partners in crime with greed. 
➣ For some of you, I am getting the message that all of this underserved hate has sent you into a dark mental space and driven you to take an attempt on your life. And if you like my messages or my readings please believe me when I say this,
 I know you are meant for greatness. I picked up on your energy and you found this reading for a reason. Just like the Universe and everything within it, we go through cycles. And I know this is a long, painful cycle but it will come to an end and you will get out of this darkness. From the bottom of my heart, I feel your importance and I am happy you are here to share this moment with me. Keep swimming, I support you, the Universe supports you. The sun is rising and is offering you a new beginning.
➣ In this dark period in your life, the negative attention may have outweighed the good. I see a theme of being outcasted and isolated. Severe bullying. For some, even abuse. Like pile one, you have gone into hermit mode and isolated yourself from the unfair judgment of the world. 
➣ But head up muffin, the scales are balancing, and the wheel of judgment is turning in your favor. Following the wheel of fortune, you got the fucking emperor!!! You will come out of this on top. The people who kicked you while you were down will have to swallow their pride and kneel to shine your shoes while you sit rightfully on the throne. The public scrutiny you face needs to balance itself out karmically.
➣ Think Megan Thee Stallion. I won’t bring up any of her business, but if you've been keeping up with social media, there is a good chance you are well aware of it. That woman has gone through the unimaginable, one traumatic event following the other all while facing an obscene amount of public scrutiny. She had to go into solitary and off the internet to rebuild her life. But guess what??? MY GIRL STAYS ON TOP>>>>> After all the bullshit she endured, she’s coming out on the top of the charts, brand deals with major conglomerates, she is the people’s princess.
➣ That’s going to be you. You have dealt with a lot of injustice in your life, now you’re coming out of your “rehabilitation” and all of the people who spent the better half of their day attempting to tear you down will have to watch your rise like a phoenix and fucking weep.
➣ People were constantly taking from you , now the universe (whatever you want) is preparing to give you the power to replace what you have lost tenfold. Ace of wands, I see that life is handing you the metaphorical talking stick. The king stick. You are being blessed with a flame in your belly (activated solar plexus chakra) and the chance to completely reinvent yourself. 
➣ There is a lot of king and authority messages here, the ball is in your court. You are being released from the shackles of public perception and these next few months will be filled with inspiration and willpower to prove everybody wrong and showcase your strength.  I feel like a good chunk of this group will get chances to be in positions of authority or importance. 
➣ This is going to sound silly but I got this exaggerated imagery of a mean person calling you poor and ugly but the next year you drive past them in a Bugatti with their sugar boo in the passenger seat. HELLOOOO.
➣ With the lovers, I see you are coming in union with what is rightfully yours. In the grand scheme of cosmic law, you are owed good fortune and it is on its way. With the tower, I see an explosion and people fleeing. You’re going to pop out stronger than ever and that’s going to scare people cause whatever superiority they got from painting you as inferior is going to blow away and their true scummy nature is going to be seen. 
➣ After this, there may even be people who pretend to be your friends and claim they supported you all along. Have faith in your discernment. I have faith in your discernment. It will all be okay pookie.
➣ Advice: Just keep swimmin' my love. <3
"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth."
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✧ Pile Three ✧ (queen of wands, knight of pentacles, 6oC, page of pentacles, 10oW, 3oW, the hermit)
It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Awaken.
➣ Regardless if you’re a woman, a man, somewhere in between, or none of the above, you are approaching a newfound understanding of your sexuality. For some of you, it is a full-blown sexual awakening. 
➣ Some people here are realizing their sex appeal, others are coming to terms with their lack of sexual attraction, some are learning what they like in sex and what they’re attracted to. Yes bae, all of it; the whole spectrum of sexual exploration is here.
➣ There is an emphasis on attraction to yourself. You will see a huge shift in your physical appearance. Yes, your style will change but the main reason for this glow up is because you shifted the perception of yourself into a higher light. You’re allowing yourself to feel desirable and embracing the aspects of yourself you once shunned. 
➣You will carry yourself in a higher regard and this will open doors for you. Look into the mirror and give yourself a nice smack on the ass. Your self-esteem is sexy.
➣ Pile one is on a watery emotional self-love journey, this pile is all about fire and finding out where sexuality and passionate relations fit into your life. 5th house (flings, passions, hobbies), 8th house (sex and rebirth), 9th house (adventure, connecting with your soul tribe).
➣ I asked for a song to tie up this message in a cute little bow and I got the 639 HZ frequency. This is the frequency of love, radiation, and positive energy. It is the frequency of the heart. The heart chakra is opening significantly during this glow-up.
➣ You are opening yourself to adventure and sending a high vibe out into the ether. I see a sunflower and the queen of wands is decked out in bright yellow, you are stepping into the spotlight and attracting a lot of attention. I would say Venusian attention because the aura here is very romantic and collaborative. It's like the universe is spraying you with extremely magnetic pheromones and having opportunities run at you.
➣ You are going to get a lot of offers. Love offers, career offers, party invitations, you’re going to be involved with exclusive circles. You are realizing your self-worth and now you’re attracting things and people who also see value in you.
➣ This isn’t going to resonate with everyone, but I sense that for a few of you, there is going to be a reconnection with a past lover or a past friend from your childhood (or just the past in general). I also sense a theme of using your attractiveness and people’s attraction to you to your benefit. Somehow monetize your appeal. 
➣ It is like you finally released your ugly duckling mentality and you woke up and went, “WOAH, what can I do with this???” Lmao you discovered you’re an undercover member of the pretty privilege club.
➣ Yeah, with the page of pentacles and the ten of wands, I’m seeing an entire life path open up for you. Your passion and fiery energy will get you places, and you’ll go on adventures exploring your opportunities with that. Some of you will even become spicy content creators or do some risque sex work. Orrrrrr just venture into a career path you weren’t courageous enough to do before. 
➣ You’re a giant magnet energetically right now (I mean c’mon, 639 HZ???) you’re attracting a lot of romantic suitors. But watch out, they’re not all good suitors.
➣ I pulled another card and got Justice in reverse. Some people will try to get over on you. Also, the person on the justice card looked strangely untrustworthy when I flipped it over. Once again, practice your discernment.
➣ Your romantic and passionate life is taking off and it's going to be extremely exciting, especially if you are coming out of a period of stagnancy. However, with the 3 of wands and the hermit, the cards remind you to remain centered and plan bigger. Your passion, attractiveness, and sexuality will amount to more than hookups and shallow relationships if you invest in yourself wisely.
➣ You are unlocking an advantage you have in this lifetime. Open yourself to career endeavors, social networking, and creating a strong foundation for your talents and hobbies. Yes, date and have fun but don’t spend all of your energy in one place. Your attention and your energy are your greatest currencies.
➣ To expand on the hermit, I need to emphasize you are going to be getting a LOT of attention soon (I’m getting Sun-conjunct-Venus energy, is that in your natal chart or is there a transit with Venus right now or something?). You will receive more eyes on you than average and this might overwhelm you and push you into hermit mode.
➣ That is okay, let life flow. During those moments to yourself, dream big because you have the power to pull your dreams into your reality.  You will meet lifelong friends during this period. I am sensing a power trio for some of you. 
➣ Advice: To wrap up, we all know attractiveness is social currency, and you are coming into a great deal of social wealth baby. But please spend it wisely and do not lose yourself in the crowd. Keep up with your self-work and take introspective breaks away from people so you can figure out how to best utilize this awakening for you. 
➣ You look really good in red currently. Red hair. Red lips. Red clothes. Red jewelry. The color red is bringing you a lot of abundance. Okay bye. MUAH. <3
"I said mom, I am a rich man."
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✧ Pile Four ✧ (page of swords, knight of cups, wheel of fortune, temperance, 7oP, the devil rev.)
Ascension.
➣ OMG I’m so sorry, I wrote a novel for the other piles but this one is going to be short. Maybe you were drawn to another pile mainly and this is your secondary pile. BUT IT’S SHORT BECAUSE ITS FUCKING AWESOME. 
➣ The song I channeled for you was named “Elniño Prodigo” and I want to say the artist is Love Record but I'm not too sure. This means child prodigy. When I was laying out your cards, I got this sense of anticipation and impatience. Theeeennn BOOM the wheel of fortune, temperance, and the seven of pentacles smack me in the face.
➣ Oh me oh my, you are chilling in the universe’s womb just BAKIN’ being prepped for a complete rebirth. You are a prodigy, you are not meant to live an ordinary life, you are being prepared for a unique journey. I know this is going to sound hard to believe because I feel like with this pile, a large portion of your life was spent in waiting.
➣ Do you feel like you are a late bloomer? If so, trust me, it is for a reason. Whatever you build in this lifetime will be built slowly and have a solid foundation because your legacy is meant to withstand the test of time and last long after you leave this Earth. This period you’ve spent waiting is you getting your ducks in a row and sowing your seeds for the next evolution of you. I said something like this in my last pac, if that's you, heyyyyyyy i’m glad your energy stuck around, i love it.
➣ Do you have Pisces or 12th House placements mixed with Saturn significance? Whatever this glow-up exactly holds for your future is a secret. It’s the universe’s divine surprise to you. I did not get any energy detailing exact events, just something big in the works behind the scenes is making its way to you. 
➣If you’re reading this pick a card there’s a good chance you’re spiritually attuned and can feel this cosmic shift happening. Something about your energy is so excited. I imagine a hyper dog being held back by a leash because it's not quite time yet.
➣ If you’re in a period where you’re not seeing any life progression and it's causing you anxiety, relax, you are on the right track and you are where you need to be. You have not wasted time, time really isn’t even fucking real. Everything is moving slowly for a reason. 
➣In this “boring” period you are meant to tap into your inner world and curate what you want your life to look like. Create vision boards, imagine your future hobbies, involve things that mentally stimulate you, keep the spark of curiosity in your life, and nurture your inner dreamer. 
➣ You are connecting with your sensitivity at this time, finding the sweet spot where your mind and heart meet, and letting it fuel your zeal for life. Get these thoughts on paper. Journal them, draw them, sing it, and call this energy into the 3D. Your life is about to have a complete 180. Maintain faith.
➣ You’re seeing a lot of synchronicities currently. Animal synchronicities and repeating numbers(111,444,222,1144,1414). You’ll find strangely personal messages in music and media. Maybe you’re seeing shapes repetitively pop up around you in your environment, like stars or eyes. 
➣ Patience is a life lesson for this pile, there is a lesson to be learned in the stillness of your life. You are mentally restless right now, slow your body down and try out parasympathetic regulation techniques to calm your racing thoughts. Go swimming, take a class, try out a new hobby. In this “womb” era, enjoy your last moments of stillness because your life turns up a notch. I’m not even getting rebirth, I’m getting BIRTH. No matter your age, your life is truly beginning in this new season.
➣ Advice: I see a lot of clouds. I see angel symbolism. You’re ascending. You’re shedding old skin, letting go of dead weight, and you’re growing wings, getting ready to experience life to the fullest. Maintain hope that your life will pick up pace and become exciting again. 
➣ Find peace in this waiting period. Listen to bird sounds!!! They are going to calm your mind and elevate you emotionally. You’re growing your wings and getting ready to take off like a bird, you should learn from the best. Okay, I love you, the universe loves you, MUAH <3.
"Your sim has gone stir-crazy!"
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watching tumblr shit on my images in real time is just...
On a lighter note, I know some of these piles are heavy, I posted my first reading two days ago, and the support I received has brought so much joy into my life. I love doing this, if you like this me doing this, I'll do this forever. I am eternally grateful for all of you likes, reblogs, and comments <3
Also, some of these piles are connected, feel free to poke around and pick up on messages spread out for you. okay, I'm done. kisses! MUAH
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Something. Something within me is gone. There’s a whole in my stomach and heart forever unmoving. No matter how hard I try to fill it, my efforts are futile. I thought I found the filler in him. He makes me feel whole, wanted, needed, but lately that empty feeling is creeping back in. I thought I could find the cure in someone else. I was wrong. This is through no fault of my love’s own actions, it’s just this reoccurring gaping feeling of emptiness that is trying to consume me once more, which I cannot shake. I haven’t the faintest idea of the cause though I believe it is due to the absence of my childhood self, I am losing her again. The child -the person I one was- carefree and happy, not consumed but fear, anger, guilt and sadness. She could be left alone in her room and not feel the beautifully coloured walls crashing down her. I’m starting to see cracks in the surface. That little girl is gone but I want her so desperately to return. I thought I found fulfilment in him and, for a while I believe I did, but when you become unhappy in yourself it is difficult to see the love around you. Once more I am but a shell, a snake feasting on its own tail telling itself that it is helping. The emptiness is painful and sharp. I despise feeling this way but I don’t know how to dig myself out of the whole.
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When I stare at him it’s like the whole world stops. Everything around us is a blur and all I see is him. He asks me why I stare so much and for a while I didn’t know, but now I understand that it is my way of analysing him while also being able to silently pour my heart, soul and brain out to him and he doesn’t have the faintest idea. I feel all my emotions pour out of my eyes, the longer I stare the more intense the feeling gets and then a smile forms. I love when my face can’t mask my emotions because of how much I genuinely care and love this boy. To stare at him is one of my most favourite things to do in the world, I could do it forever if possible. On the chance that he ever did anything wrong I truly believe it would break me. If he ever broke up with me it could quite possibly be the end (unless he had fair reason of course). Almost everything I do is for this boy, every passing thought, every movement consists of a memory or mannerism of him. I am so consumed with him that when I’m around him he’s all I think of and when I’m not with him my thoughts are even stronger. I have never felt like this about anyone and it scares me a great deal to think about it, just on the off chance he doesn’t feel the same way. It is always in the back of my mind that he’s tired of me and wishes for somebody else, I’ve been told by others and do tell myself that there wouldn’t be any reason for him to feel that way but I can’t stop the insecurities from rising sometimes. It’s always a possibility. Nothing can ever be 100% though I wish they could.
xoxo
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You’re there, but every time I reach out to touch you, you disintegrate like sand into my palm. You’re there but you’re distant and I have struggled to change your mood. There’s no use in chasing after someone when my muscles ache and my breaths get cut short.
My heart isn’t mine, it hasn’t been since you infiltrated my life. Every breath, every heart beat, every blink, everything revolves around you. However, that is my world and yours doesn’t need my in it to keep spinning. You loved me first but I’ve grown to love you more, I can’t play this constant game of cat and mouse, spinning round on this carousel of emotion when I seem to be the only one feeling. You can happily go on your everyday life without me but even when you aren’t physically there, you’re ingrained in my mind, you plague the very essence of me. I hate this attachment, a once beautiful relationship now feels like a burden I have to carry with me because you won’t allow me to enter your untold mind. You’re just a boy the same way I’m just a girl, but the way you toy with me seems inhumane, your head stays in your hands as you colour me in deep shades of blue.
Please allow me to be released from mark you’ve cast or perhaps bring light back into my world, take this hole in my gut and this wrenching feeling in my heart and fill it with happiness, love and light. All I ask is for you to show you love me, especially the way I love you.
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I’m so fucking embarrassing it’s so annoying. I take things so literally when I have a drink it’s unreal. Like I want to cry rn cause I don’t believe my boyfriend that he was joking when he called me a bitch. But like how am I meant to trust that he’s not just saying that so I don’t get upset. I think I truly love him and that’s frightening. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want him to think negatively of me at all. Sometimes I can’t tell if he truly likes me or loves me. On occasion, like sometimes after we do things he just stops and goes on his phone and it makes me really insecure and makes me overthink, like what if I’m not good enough and he doesn’t want me anymore. It scares me that he doesn’t actually love me or like me at all and I don’t like the feeling. I feel like crying again now because I’m so scared that he doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I don’t think this boy knows what aftercare is at all, but I’m too scared to tell him. I get too scared and nervous to say any of these things to him incase he takes it the wrong way and I get scared to ask for things, like simply grabbing his face and kissing him, I’ve done it twice in the whole relationship. I like him being in control, I love him being in control, but there are things he needs to learn and understand that my emotions are fragile and I need reassurance. You can’t just roll over out your clothes back on and go on your phone without saying anything to me, because that makes me think I’ve done something wrong. I literally wanted to start crying when he did that, he didn’t even check on me or anything. I’m just too much of a pussy to say anything and I know I need to. Sometimes he makes me feel so worthless due to my overthinking over tiny things. I hate that I need constant reassurance but I do. I think I genuinely do love this boy and I really truly want things to work out. I think he believes that he doesn’t have to try as much now that he has me, he thinks that now I am his he doesn’t have to put in as much effort as when he did when we were first starting out the relationship, they really isn’t the case at all, he has to work the same to keep me. I don’t want it to end at all but it’s making me feel like shit whenever I think about it, he needs to try just as hard to keep me or I’ll end up going down a spiral and leaving when I don’t really want to, I just won’t be able to handle it. I just don’t know if I am allowed to (I get scared) ask for things. I mean I probably am, but I’m afraid of rejection, or the word NO. I don’t want to turn around and ask for something and say anything incase he says no or thinks I’m being stupid for thinking these things. He hasn’t even messaged me all day when I have. He’s probably been asleep but it’s still shitty. I just want my boyfriend.
I really needed to get this off my chest so I appreciate if you read this all. I’m just a little bit drunk and in my feelings atm.
All my love,
R xx
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I’m so hot wtf. Like genuinely I’m so pretty it’s uncalled for. Obviously not all the time I’m not delusional, but I genuinely love myself most days now and I’m so happy about it. Everyone has their off days but I think I’ve finally learned to accept myself, my looks and my fucking brain. I still have work to do obviously but I think I am finally at peace most days. 
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It’s the way I’d let this boy do anything he wanted to me. Fuck me raw, impregnate me i don’t care. Slap me all over and pound into me while he’s pulling my hair saying the almost obscene shit. He can choke me till I pass out and I mean that. I’d even let him fuck me in the arse, that’s when you know!!!! He can shove his fingers down my throat and gag me to the fucking heavens. Ugh if I wasn’t on my period last night I would’ve let him fuck the shit out of me and I mean that. This is scary fucking business but I’m ready for it. I want him to make me cum and cum and cum.
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I’m starting to not feel real again and I’m very frightened. Everything aches and I feel lifeless. I don’t need this again, everything is going great and I do not need this to consume me.
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you know when you want something so bad that it consumes you and, you would do anything to get it. your dream life or your dream person. i’m consumed by the idea of love and, being loved, I just want to be cuddled gently but also fucked violently. I know this sounds a bit full on and a bit tmi now. I just want my life to be fulfilling and, happy and, exactly as I picture it to be.
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a few pictures I took while watching Girl, Interrupted (1999) because it’s my favourite movie xx
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My toxic trait is that I truly believe I could win a fight against anybody if I was mad enough. U might have the strength and size but I have pure, unfiltered rage.
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All I desire is to be wanted, to be needed. I want to feel loved, as if people want me around. I think I deserve that. Don’t I? Nothing feels clear anymore, nothing feels set in stone. I’m starting to fray at the edges, slowing fading away. I don’t feel like myself, everything around me feels fake and cold. People say they love me but their actions and words juxtaposes that. My friends, I feel, treat me different from each other. They can make me feel worthless without realising. I understand that it’s most likely not their intention but it happens. One day everything will be fine, happy even and then the next I feel like an outcast. I feel trapped. What seems all jokes to them is not portrayed that way to me and I mention it every so often to tell them how I feel and they seem to care but they don’t change their actions ; when I react negatively towards what they do, they say I’m being angry and I’m pouncing on them, that I’m being snappy. How do they expect me to react? Do they want me to sit there in silence and self wallowing? Of course I’m not going to do that when the issue can be brought up and resolved. No one’s ever on my side and it sucks. There’s always these little comments that stick with me, whether they mean them or not because they don’t treat each other like that. Only me.
The thing is I have the best times with them and we have so many good memories and we truly are really close, it’s just sometimes I feel unloved and unwanted and they take things a bit too far and then paint me to be the bad guy.
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I’m so jealous of everyone that has seen or will see the arctic monkeys on this 2022 tour or anytime they’ve been on tour. It’s so upsetting that I can’t go, why do the tickets have to be so expensive and why is the only one I can go to in Leeds which means I’d have to pay for a hotel also. I just want to see them in person, I want to experience Matt, Nick, Jamie and, Alex in real life, to hear them play and Alex sing in person. It’s so frustrating that I can’t go, I want to, I need to. I genuinely would sell my soul and all my favourite things if someone told me that’s how I’d get to go. The band sounds absolutely amazing and I love the set list, i’m so distraught over this it’s not even funny. I’ve wanted this for fucking ages why can’t I have it.
If you’ve read this whole rant thank you very much I appreciate. I’m sorry if you understand and share my pain.
IM SEEING THEM IN MIDDLESBROUGH BITCHES!!!!!
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Arctic Monkeys are touring again, life is finally complete. Wish I could see them but tickets are wayyyyy too expensive and it makes me want to cry my eyes out thinking about it.
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Since I recently rewatched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang I thought I’d post pictures of Truly Scrumptious because she’s very pretty and I love the fashion of her character.
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