local-idiot-heartbroken-blog

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6:53PM: Destructive Psyche

My anxiety has been worsening by the day. It’s definitely because of my relationship with Taylor. It’s an ongoing internal struggle because I know if it gets too out of hand it’ll destroy the relationship. But I can’t seem to untangle its grasp on my mind. My mind always jumps to the worst case scenario no matter what the context. If she doesn’t text me she’s made it home I think things like she got into an accident or she’s going to see some other guy. Through more thorough reflection I definitely have severe trust and abandonment issues. It’s tearing me apart in the inside and this sounds dramatic (and admittedly it is), but I just wish it would end. I’m fully aware there’s only one real way for it to all end. 

#localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts #anxiety #depression

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8:42PM: Mental Imprisonment

To the extent of my knowledge the only mental illnesses I suffer from are moderate-severe anxiety and depression. While these are definitely the most known and talked about I do believe they get the least concern. I am extremely exhausted and fed up with how much I overthink. I’m quite often physically exhausted, but I can’t remember a day where I wasn’t mentally exhausted. My mind is always on overdrive and won’t allow me to enjoy what I have in the present, future or past. Some days the symptoms are not so bad and others they are extremely incapacitating. The lingering is ultimately what destroys me though. I’ll be happy with something and then it’ll creep back in to take that away from me. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about true happiness and I don’t know the last time I was truly happy. The emptiness within me grows while anything with the potential of filling it is ripped apart by my anxiety. I want to be my best for me, my family and my loved ones. I need to take every day with the mindset of being my best because no one especially myself deserves to go at life half-heartedly. I’m taking a stand from this night forward to not allow anxiety to ruin my present and future. I don’t want to feel like the only escape from this imprisonment is death. Rather than destroying a seemingly useless container I want to fill it with substance that provides purpose and fulfillment.

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts

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08.23.18: Cheap Thrills

I know it’s been awhile since my last update on my developments with Taylor, but things have been hectic lately.

So Taylor and I have been talking about getting kbbq for awhile now, but her particular ass needs it to be on a weekend because she fasts before eating it. Anyways we decided to save that for another time and she instead suggested we eat at a marketplace she used to frequent. So we ended up at the destination and nostalgia hit me super hard because it was the same place I made fun of for having a weird design (it looks three dimensional from a distance but up close it’s flat). When we got in she was showing me around and clearly excited about the food (that’s one of the cutest things about her, she’s almost always smiling when describing food). She kept repeating how proud she is for finding cheap, but quality food. That was definitely not a joke, the food was good and cheap. The total came out to about $13 and it fed both of us. We ended up ordering this Chinese style burrito, spicy tuna rolls and gimbap. While we were eating she was showing me various photos in her phone and detailed her extensive experience with babysitting. It was really nice getting a glimpse of her life outside of the office. So for the second half of the date was dessert. This place I took her to I waited a month just to try it with her. The dessert place was called Sip and they specialized in matcha. We both tried their soft serves, overall they were pretty good. In comparison to the matcha place in Little Tokyo I went to with Barry and Tiffany it couldn’t measure up. Taylor on the otherhand, was audible expressing her satisfaction with the dessert. Once that was established I knew this place was a good choice to bring her. After we finished dessert I felt this lingering desire from her that she still wanted to spend more time. I suggested we go to a view, but since it was a Thursday we didn’t have enough time to spend at a view. We ended up going back to our work parking lot (since I drove we had to go back anyways to get her car). I expected us to spend only an hour or so there, but we were there from 9-12:50ish. At first we were just sharing stories about gossip in our offices about one another. Then we started adding in our own personal commentary of how we felt in different dates and the progression of the whole thing. Somehow in the middle of all that we confessed that we had feelings for each other. This is where things got a little dicey, she had a strange expression on her face and she wouldn’t stop laughing. So in my head I was thinking “she’s waiting for me to kiss her, but it’s been so long she’s tired of throwing out hints”. This assumption was indeed correct because when I pulled her in to kiss she was already anticipating it. My ass always has to find a way to ruin the moment though because I laughed after we kissed because of this release of stress I had about the whole ordeal. It confused her, but I explained to her how I was overwhelmed with stress about the kiss situation and only laughed due to relief. After that things got really physical and it pleasantly surprised me how good of a kisser she was (most girls I have kissed have been bad, only one other girl besides her was good). Anyways, once all the hot and heavy shit was done I dropped her off to her car and had to drive home with a full ass bladder. You want to know what my dumbass did? I was peeing into my hydroflask while driving on the freeway. Most of the pee went into the flask (shit was empty when I started and was full by the time I was done), but some went onto my pants it was wild. I do have to say this date was one of my favorites so far.

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts

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Meditation Journal (2)

Meditating throughout the week has been pretty fruitless if I’m being honest. Yesterday in particular I was having an extremely frustrating time falling asleep. I don’t know if it had something to do with the large Oolong milk tea I drank at 10 (probably was), but I tossed in turn in my bed for about 2 hours before sleeping. I think I might actually stop consuming caffeine by a certain time (5pm potentially)? Anyways, I shall continue to meditate because I know once I get a good grasp of it my life will be improved significantly (anxiety, decision-making, emotional reactivity and most importantly sleep).

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #meditation

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Meditation Journal (1)

I decided to take meditation more seriously. I plan on meditating every night before bed for about 10-15 minutes. I will also shut off all my devices and make sure my room is pitch black. Although all this sounds self-explanatory I’m writing it down to increase my own accountability. I will journal every week on Monday to track progress. Taylor told me how she does a muscle-focused meditation so maybe I’ll try that, she taught me during lunch. 

Last night (8/19/18) was my first time going back to meditation. I honestly felt ridiculous trying to clear my head because I was failing miserably at it. The velocity of my thoughts is too chaotic to slow down. I shall try my best to suck a little less tonight.

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #meditation

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7:48 PM: Turbulent Thoughts

Half of me wants whatever I have with Taylor to fail while the second half wants this to go the long-run. I’m so afraid of getting hurt again that part of me is hoping for a premature ending. For this very reason, I find myself holding back significantly. Even when I’m with her I am not as happy as I should be and I know it’s because of this defense mechanism that I need to retire. Lately I’ve been wondering if the problem is me, my expectations or the people I go for. Are my needs really that hard to fulfill? I would be happy/satisfied with a few texts a day, honesty and reciprocated effort. Of course I have to admit my notable faults: emotional neediness, moderate-severe anxiety and sensitivity. I am nowhere close to perfect, but I definitely have the potential to be an amazing significant other. I’m getting frustrated and tired of the repeated cycle of dating just to get hurt. The biggest con of being a hopeless romantic is lacking the ability to use the brakes when you’re in the falling stage. I went into this with the intent of reserving myself, but that isn’t how shit works for me. If I was able to switch these emotions on and off, with no hesitation I would flip it. I see my emotional fragility as my biggest weakness. But is it really wrong to feel so deeply over these things? To feel so deeply puts me in the position of vulnerability with any type of relationship: familial, romantic, friendly, etc. I really want to be stronger, I have for a long time. I just don’t know what to do with myself sometimes and I often wish for an quick fix or easy resolution. But that’s not how life works. 

#rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken #journal

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08.10.2018: 2-0 + Dried Up Opportunities

For my third date with Taylor we went to the Golden Road Brewery and Laguna Beach. The ride situation was a little uncertain because on Fridays she gets off early (1pm). Before getting off work I texted her saying I can pick her up since she lives really close to the brewery. This was crucial because I wanted to take her to the beach and taking one car was most convenient. She agreed and things seemingly were shifting in my favor. One 40 minute drive later, I arrived at her house. I walked up to the door because I like old fashioned gestures like that and it felt right to do so. Taylor walked up to the door and my goodness she looked stunning.  It was either a dress or a romper (it’s hard to tell the difference); I could see why she chose it because it showcased her figure really well. When we started walking towards the car, I decided to do something that I’ve never done: I opened the car door for her. While this sounds silly, I actually have never done that for anyone in my 21 years of life. I can definitely say the gesture got easier the more I did it. After struggling to find parking for 20 minutes or so (thanks to the Angel’s game/who even watches baseball it’s boring af) we walked towards the brewery. I used that time to ask her what kind of beer she likes to drink because I needed to gauge her experience given that I have 0. Luckily for me, we were about the same experience level and had some suggestions for good beers from my coworkers. While we were walking in Taylor noted how the place was really lively and colorful. She seems to be easily entertained like me so I was happy she was enjoying the environment. We ordered two entrees and one appetizer to share. For the drinks I ordered a Hefeweizen (honestly wtf kind of name) and she ordered a Mango Cart (one of their most popular signature beers). The conversations this time around were a bit more serious, we talked about family and past relationships. I felt like these topics really determined compatibility between us.  Once we finished our food and drinks, we headed over to play ping pong because that’s the main reason we came (I challenged her through text and suggested we make a date out of it). When she said she was good, she definitely wasn’t bluffing. I lost 2-0 and the margin between our points was pretty bad (21-9 & 21-13). Although I hate losing in most cases, I was just happy that she was enjoying herself. I see some similarities between me and her: she’s withdrawn but also easily excitable, she laughs at the simplest things but also overthinks. After sweating out the alcohol over ping pong I told her we have another destination to go. I didn’t tell her where we were going because I wanted to surprise her. Thanks to the freeway signs she caught on pretty fast so she knew we were going to Laguna. The original location I wanted to go to was Victoria Beach, but it was blocked by private property. We walked around for about 15 minutes trying to see if there was an alternative route to get down there. There was no luck so we decided to walk towards the resort to see if there was any beach access. Once again luck was on our side because there was a pathway labeled ‘beach access’. We followed it until we hit the stairs leading toward the shore. I asked her if she wanted to sit on the sand because I brought towels for this very reason. She looked at me and said “we could sit on the sand orrrrrr we could sit on the lifeguard tower”. Objectively the lifeguard was the superior choice so we climbed onto it and settled in. The visuals were insane, part of the water was illuminated by a spotlight and the waves were crashing all around us. The beach we ended up at instead of Victoria Beach was called Treasure Island. It was more private and had a strange curve to it which created an illusion of it being an island. The 30-45 minutes we spent there, there was less conversation, but it also felt much more intimate. She noted that my anxiety was pretty bad because she could see how fidgety I was and my speech patterns. She told me to just enjoy the view and take it in (something I get quite often). After that I spoke less and instead focused my attention to the scenery. The cycle of the waves was really hypnotic and I really did feel more at ease. After a little bit of enjoying the view, she leaned her head onto my shoulder so I held her. Because of how close we were I could feel her breathing and heart rate. I can't really say whether that calmed me or gave me more to think about. It felt really nice sharing physical intimacy with someone because it’s been more than half a year since I’ve experienced it. Because she had to get up early the next day I told her we should probably head back to the car. She really didn’t want to leave the beach, so I knew then and there that I definitely did a good job with this date as well. On the drive home we held hands while she sang along to the songs on the radio (that typical almost end of the date type scene). To my dismay, the 55 was closed so I was forced to ride the toll road for about 2 miles. I exited the soonest I could, but once I took it we got flashed by the booth. We finally got back to her place after another 40 minute drive. This is where quite possibly my worst date mistake happened. She’s standing on the curb of the sidewalk and I’m on the street we are about eye level. I hug her tight to say bye, but I notice she’s a little jittery and I’m like what the heck. What comes out of her mouth next really shocked me. She said “you can try and kiss me now” and I was just so taken aback that I said something even more shocking than her. I fucking said “my lips are a little chapped, can I use some chapstick?” (WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?!). She laughed and said “nvm moment ruined” and I was trying to salvage the lost opportunity so I said “they’re not that chapped, how about just a peck?”. Holy shit, I was so embarrassed, she closed her eyes and nodded so I did it. I’m a true embarrassment to society. I scuffed that opportunity so hard, it seems even though the dates go smoothly I never finish strong. 2-0 describes how many L’s I’ve taken in ping pong and at the end of my dates. I feel bad she has to deal with my awkward and outspoken ass. If she somehow forgives this and gives me another chance I shall continue this chapter of my life as the local idiot heartbroken. 

#journal #rawthoughts #love #chappedlips

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7:28 PM

Due to Taylor’s fascination with food, I suggested to her we make each other lunch one day. Well, tomorrow is that day. I decided on making udon because it’s the best dish I can make from scratch and it’s a safe choice given her palate. I headed over to Albertson’s after work and bought all the missing ingredients. The entire time I was in the grocery store I felt more ‘adult’ than usual because the rarity of this whole ordeal (I hardly make dinner anymore). This had me thinking about how people often give up their hobbies and interests in pursuit of the bigger picture. I have done this with a few things: cooking, dancing and fashion. I remember when I used to cook meals for my family with excitement to hear their compliments and verbal satisfaction. With that being said, I hope she enjoys this meal I put lots into it. This year has been characterized by new experiences and self development. There are more things I want to complete until the end of the year. I’m currently working on another project that explores a hobby I’ve wanted to get into for years. I’m excited for it and I plan to reveal it next month.

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts

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10:01 AM

Yesterday I talked to Kevin and Nate about my anxiety and insecurity. One thing Kevin said keeps looping in my head: “don’t be the reason it ends”. It stood out to me because my insecurity usually projects itself onto the other person as if I have 0 control on the situation. That’s not only unfair to the second party, but also a foolish way to live. It essentially shifts responsibility away from myself to protect my fragile ego. If I really want to improve and develop as a person I need to remove this default mechanism.

#journal #rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken

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1:04 AM

I’m currently laying on my floor staring up at my ceiling fan wondering why I am the way that I am. I hate my emotional fragility and insecurity. It breeds unnecessary and unhealthy attachment issues. How after only two dates am I so smitten by this girl? Dating is supposed to be carefree and spontaneous, yet whenever I try it out I’m already hooked after the first or second date. I either get hurt by my expectations or these worst case scenarios that are created in my own thoughts. Although I had these issues before Diana, she definitely made them worse. I don’t know how many times I’ve wished to develop some kind of emotional depth or security in myself. You can spend so little time with someone, but feel like you know and understand them so well already. I already memorize some of her little quirks and random facts about her life. Can my mind just stop being so sharp when it comes to shit like this? Anyways, I’m sick (been the whole week) and should go to bed. 

#rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken #journal #latenight

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08.02.18: Third Time’s the Charm?

So surprisingly I got a second date with Taylor. This time around we were getting dinner...accordingly I planned out the date a few days in advance. My plan was to get sushi, go to the view in Hacienda Heights and lastly dessert at Macchiato. On paper the date seemed perfect since she likes asian food, hikes/scenic views and dessert. But when do things ever go according to plan? So minutes before clocking out (around 5:25) my boss calls a meeting for the whole tax department, how convenient. He claimed it would take 10 minutes max, but this dude didn’t stop talking and it pushed almost 20 minutes. The whole time my anxiety was intensifying because I didn’t want to make her wait. As my patience was running to its end, I see her walk to her car from my boss’s window and I say “oh shit!”. He laughs and says “you can go” and within like 20 seconds I changed and packed up all my stuff. I walked up to her car eagerly and I caught a peek of her smile through the car side mirror. We headed over to Kamon Sushi (first time I went was with Barry and Tiffany) in Rowland and she spoke with excitement about how she loved sushi. I mentally patted my back for the good choice. Dinner went well, the conversation ranged from majors to music taste. Based off our conversations, she is definitely sharper than most people I have come across. After dinner I let her decide between going to the view or dessert first. She chose going to the view first and it was the better choice of the two (although I didn’t know that until after). We got to the base of the hike at about sundown. The reason I chose this location was its proximity to the dessert place and also because you can hear the buzzing from the power lines. I felt like that would make the spot more interesting and memorable. While hiking our way to the top of the overlook, she was looking around and was noticeably enthused. I knew then and there that my decision to go on this hike was a success. For once I was at a view with no boba and a GIRL (it was truly a rare occurrence). Once we were at the peak we talked about our week; she noted that it seemed like I’m always lost in thought. She then proceeded to ask what I think about and due to my inability to filter my thoughts I told her a good amount of what runs through my mind. I told her I think mostly about how I can find happiness and fulfillment in my life. She seemed to be interested in the fact that I think about those things which surprised me.  Taylor said she also thinks to herself a lot and that she even practices meditation. We spent about 30-45 minutes up there and when I sensed she was starting to get cold I suggested we go get dessert. The hike down was very steep and I actually purposely picked it for this very reason. I planned to used the steepness as an excuse for her to hold my hand, but I was too shy to offer my hand. To my surprise, (yeah I know she keeps surprising me but it’s good) she wrapped her arm around mine in order to walk down more stably. There was a cute moment while walking down, from a distance she noticed like 4 odd people dressed in black approaching us. To be honest, I didn’t notice them until she pointed it out, but I asked her if she was scared and told her to walk behind me. As they got closer, they really did seem sketch, luckily they weren't. She was clinging onto my back and it was an adorable side of her I haven’t seen until that instance. For the final part of the date we went to Macchiato (s/o to Barry for introducing me to this place). She was fascinated over the fact that they had mochi waffles (which was oddly reminiscent of my first time there). We ended up getting the mochi waffle (I didn’t tell her that I wasn’t too fond of them because she was super eager about trying them). Taylor is really cute when she’s eating because she just seems passionate about everything she eats. Every bite taken she would have some silly smile on her face talking about how good it was. Being with her I feel a bit insecure because I wonder if I am even attractive enough. Regardless of those thoughts, everything went really smoothly and we finished up our dessert. This is where one of the two (noticeable) mistakes happened throughout the whole date. She offered to pay for the dessert, but I insisted I pay and when I did she looked upset. I was so confused because I’ve been raised and taught to always pay, what was the right move in that situation?! In order to get away from her obvious irritation I just struck up another conversation and by the time we left things were okay again. I held her side while we were walking and I really didn’t know where this boldness came from. While driving her back to her car I mustered up the courage to hold her hand. It’s been awhile since I gave anyone physical affection and I felt super nervous. I dropped her off to her car and as we were saying bye I kept hugging her and letting go (it was very awkward stalling to say the least). Then I let go and leaned forward to kiss her, our lips touched, but I didn’t feel reciprocation so I quickly fell back. She said “too fast” and I was super embarrassed and flushed. I walked toward my car and said “please disregard that” and she laughed and said “see you tomorrow”. Once I was back in my own car, my embarrassment came all the way to the surface and I felt so stupid. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to my boss (who is single af), but somehow I fell for his advice because I didn’t want to be friendzoned. Besides those two hiccups the date overall was really great, dare I say 9/10. I still am unsure how this relationship will pan out, but I do want it to go further than this. Needless to say I’m very scared about this, I can already feel some emotional vulnerability and leverage being shifted into her court. If a third date happens, this timeline will continue. Let’s hope for the best. 

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts #love

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07.29.18: A Day of Many Firsts

Today I woke up around 7:30 in the morning to go surfing with Brandon. I invited my friend Dane as well because she loves the beach and figured all three of us would get along well. Brandon changed the surfing location last minute because he said there were stingrays at Bolsa Chica. Instead we ended up going to Dana Point. It was my first time ever going to that beach and this  added to the novelty of the whole experience. My excitement was increasing the closer we got to the water. I have been waiting literal years to surf I don’t know why I didn’t try it sooner. Once we got into the water, my first impression was “damn I really underestimated how tiring surfing is”. I did a full body workout the day before and I was really feeling its effects while paddling with the wet suit. It took about 40 minutes of adjusting to the water with the board before I caught my first wave. Spoiler alert, it was the only wave I caught the 2 and a half hours we were out there. I rode the wave for about 5-7 seconds, but it felt really liberating. All my efforts in catching another wave were in vain because the rest of the time we were out there I was wiping out. During the waiting time between swells we talked about our experiences (or lack of) with women; it was really funny talking with someone who feels similarly about these things. To sum up my surfing experience, it was really enjoyable and tiring, but I will definitely do it again. I didn’t expect to even catch a wave!  Brandon said it was really impressive (he said his dad took about a year to catch his first one, whether this was true or not it still made me feel good about my performance LOL). After washing off the boards we headed over to get some thai food after the massive appetite we worked up. Dane and Brandon seemed to get along well, they were bonding over more relationship talk LOL. Luckily enough the Thai restaurant, despite it’s 3 and a half star rating on Yelp, was fairly decent. I hope to hang with Brandon again before his study abroad program in Shanghai, but if not I’ll see him when he gets back. 

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts #surfing

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What’s your risk appetite?

I’ve been thinking about this question quite frequently. Risk is inseparable from all aspects of life: relationships, business engagements, hobbies/interests, etc. At what point is your limit? How do you distinguish too high of risk as opposed to just being scared? 

#journal #rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken

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07.25.18: First Date Jitters + Levi’s Reunion

Somehow I landed a lunch date with Taylor. Over a few texts, we decided to eat lunch at 1pm on Wednesday. I racked my brain on places to eat that weren’t basic and ended up choosing Peruvian food. To my surprise, Taylor texted me the night before following up on our lunch plans. I really thought she was going to cancel on me, so that follow-up text made my entire Tuesday evening. On that Wednesday, the hours at work were just flying by. Anxiety was rising every minute it got closer to 1pm. 15 minutes before our meet-up time I went to the bathroom to floss, gargle and brush my teeth. I was really putting in maximum effort for this. Just before I went out to meet her in front of the building doors, I tucked in my shirt and bid farewell to my supervisor. While I was waiting for her, my heart was racing and my left leg would not stop shaking. Every person who walked through the hallway gave me a mini heart attack. Around 1:03 (she was late, but I’m going to give her a pass), she finally showed up and she looked amazing. I almost couldn’t speak, but I managed to greet her somewhat normally. Although I was struggling to hold conversation on our way to the restaurant, I was really proud that I held the door open for her on every entrance we came across (a few months back I wouldn’t have so these are steps in the right direction). The lady working at the restaurant told us to sit anywhere, but as we were about to sit down, she told us to take the table she was cleaning because the ac was directly above it. She mentioned something about it being better for Taylor and we both just laughed. To summarize the date, it went pretty well besides my awkwardness and difficulty speaking coherently. We have a good amount in common and her intelligence to sociability ratio is great. She really liked the food and offered to pay, but if I let her that would’ve been my biggest mistake of 2018. Once we got back to the office, I hugged her and we parted ways. I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked her out on a date. I have no idea where this will go, but I’m enjoying these new experiences. I used to wish that as I got older my awkwardness would go away, but it provides an innocence and sincerity to my personality that I hope to never lose. 

After the lunch, my old coworker Kim texted me about hanging out at the Golden Road Brewery in Anaheim. I was a bit hesitant to go because I’m not a huge drinker, but I missed Kim and wanted to catch up. Right after work, I headed towards Anaheim. The horrendous traffic was making me regret my decision to go. To make matters worse, the parking situation at the event was a disaster, so much so that I almost left. Finally I parked and met Kim at a bar right next to the brewery. Despite not seeing her for about 2 years, she looked the same or even younger! We started catching up before Jose arrived and it all still felt natural. Once Jose joined us we ordered a round of beers and ate some appetizers. Funny enough he and I both talked about our recent dates. We shared many laughs and life updates until their friend Philip came to join. The four of us headed over to the brewery and I was pleasantly surprised by how cool it was. There were many games and so many different beers with fascinating names. We ended the night with a few more drinks, Jenga, ping-pong and some relationship talk. I was really glad I decided to go. Hanging with Jose and Kim brought back nostalgia, but the good kind. 

#journal #rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken

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07.23.18: Byron’s 21st Birthday

My parents planned a dinner at The Ranch in Anaheim. Its location was interesting to say the least. The restaurant was located on the bottom floor of what looked like a warehouse. Once inside, the interior was elegant yet simple. The menu had all these confusing names that I couldn’t understand so I looked at other tables to get an idea of what I wanted. I ended up going with the Chilean Sea Bass. The portion sizes would definitely only satisfy an infant, but eating in these places is more for the experience and atmosphere. My parents got Byron a celebratory cocktail which he seemed to enjoy. We ended off the night with some desserts and many laughs. The dinner was a huge success, the family was all together and it went without a hitch. There’s something about dressing up for dinner or an event that makes me happy.

Later into the evening was Divina’s surprise party for Byron. Maybe my standards are too high, but I have to say the party was extremely unorganized and underwhelming.

1. There was no food except for some pasta salad. (It looked like it could feed about 2 people)

2. There was very little alcohol (two cases of beer and a handle of ciroc)

Keep in mind there was about 15-20 people there and she had two weeks. To make things worse she had the audacity to mention to people that I wasn’t involved in the process. Usually I let these things slide, but I called her out in front of everyone saying “you had two weeks for this, you contacted me once when you had the idea and then the day of”. Her ass shut up after that thank god. Thankfully the people invited were all easygoing so the lack of essentials didn’t seem to bother them. She did a good job on inviting the right people. Despite my abrasiveness towards her she makes Byron really happy, so I’m working on being softer and more open-minded towards them. Who knows maybe some of my aversion towards her is unwarranted and stems from some jealousy of their happiness.

#journal #rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken

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07.19.18: Parking Lot Victories

It’s a running joke amongst my friends and coworkers that I always friendzone girls or scuff opportunities with them. I can’t say that they’re wrong either; I am absolutely terrified of getting out of my comfort zone and confronting insecurities that come to the surface through intimate relationships. Despite this, little by little I have been putting myself out there with girls. My progress is literal textbook definition of baby steps, but it is a move in the right direction. Picking up from where I left off with Taylor, I decided to ask her if she’d be willing to get lunch with me. The whole day I was freaking out and asking all my coworkers for advice. The obvious conclusion was that I needed to grow a pair and go for what I want with confidence/intention. Since we usually catch each other after work in the parking lot, we (two of my coworkers and me) devised a plan to wait outside and talk until she walks out of the building. In our heads we were thinking “yeah this wouldn’t be so obvious”, but as it played out I realized how painfully obvious it was. She starts walking toward the exit, I signal them to leave. I no longer could hold my fake composure because I realized how juvenile it was waiting outside the building for her. 

Breakdown of the Conversation:

Me: “Hey, what’s up”

Taylor: “Hey, how was your day?”

Me: “Umm, it wasn’t too busy. I ran into your boss in the restroom, it was actually really awkward.”

Taylor: “Wow, that really is weird. Was he intimidating?”

Me: “Not really, but he let me choose which urinal I was going to pee in. I ended up using the stall”

(1. Why did I talk about some bs like this?! 2. WHY DID I TALK ABOUT SOME BS LIKE THIS??)

Taylor: “I’ve been feeling sick lately, I’m not sure why”

Me: (losing all my composure) “hey... I was wondering if you’d be down to get lunch with me some time?”

Taylor: “yeah, I mean I see you like everyday.”

Me: “okay cool, can I have your number” (shakily and averting gaze)

Although I knew the conversation was rather choppy and didn’t go as well as I hoped, I got back into my car feeling super happy. I was so proud of myself because I have never asked for someone’s number in person, much less a stranger. I have no idea where this will go, it could be nothing. Regardless, I feel like this small victory in the parking lot has added to my confidence. I know these small strides will be essential in pushing me closer to the person I want to be by the end of this year. 

#journal #localidiotheartbroken #rawthoughts #victory

[local-idiot-heartbroken-blog]

Life Shift (2)

Maybe it’s a result of who I hang around, but I feel like manners have been losing value as time goes by. With that being said, I have decided to be more aware and mindful of my own.

Specifically I want to work on these areas:

1) Holding the door open for people in reasonable situations not just favorable ones.

2) Adjusting how I speak in accordance to who I’m with and our relationship.

3) Appearing more friendly since I apparently have resting sad face (supervisor pointed it out to me).

#journal #rawthoughts #localidiotheartbroken