llsadgirl

[llsadgirl]

Grandmas out of hospital and she’s doing good.

[llsadgirl]

She’s doing fine, has to stay in hospital for a couple days but otherwise she’s doing ok.

[llsadgirl]

Please wake me up and tell me this isn’t happening. This can’t be real. I need it to not be real. I’ve been sick this whole week so I’ve been sleeping all day, I wish I never got sick.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #i hate my existence #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

My grandma was taken to hospital in ambulance and hour ago. They think she had heart attack. She texted me and called me before and I should have woke up but I didn’t. I should’ve been up.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #i hate my existence #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

It’s crazy to think that this day last week I wanted to die more than anything and this week I want to die significantly less.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

I need to get better

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

*relapses*

[llsadgirl]

I almost had a panic attack while I was home alone and in the shower the other day. I was just thinking about my future and felt overwhelmed. I’m not ready to let go of my childhood, I feel like I grew up to quickly. My best friend seems so happy, I know she’s struggling with her own stuff, but she seems so put together. She’s everything I want to be. I’ve always felt a little bit jealous of her. But I just miss her so much, miss being neighbors with her. We used to watch Hamilton in my basement on sleepovers and jam out or watch ghost adventures and eat ice cream. I’ve probably posted about all this before, I just really can’t believe I’m graduating next month. I’m so not ready for this and this is all I’ve wanted since I was 13.

I can’t even open up anymore without people saying I should go back to the hospital. I understand but I’m scared. It’s so lonely in the hospital. The medicine is hidden because I opened up about wanting to get addicted to pills. Right now I just feel so scared of even thinking of what I’m truly feeling mostly because I don’t want to feel this way anymore but also because I’m scared someone will notice and somehow force me to go to the hospital. I had a dream about going to the ER because of suicidal thoughts but I didn’t want to stay so they chloroformed me and forced me to (the doctors did). I don’t know I’m just scared of that happening somehow.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #dear diary #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

I opened up today, which I still regret, everyone thinks I should go back to the hospital and I panicked thinking they would force me. I hyperventilated which my siblings saw. Last year I hyperventilated, for different reasons, but my siblings saw that too. When I fell asleep my sister, who barely even hugs me, came and laid in bed with me and cuddled with me. I hate that they saw it again. My mom and grandma really wants me to but their thankfully not forcing me. But I’m okay now. I just hate that I opened up.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #i hate my existence #sewer slide #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

I feel like a failed attempt would fix all my problems, make me want to live. But what if I don’t fail? I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die either. My cats birthday is next month and I can’t leave him before that. I made a post last year about fantasizing about overdosing. This is kind of an add on I guess.

I hate when people pay attention to me but I also fantasize my family sitting in a waiting room, tears in their eyes as they wait for an update from my doctor after a failed attempt. Again, they don’t deserve this, they’ve been nothing but helpful and there for me. Maybe my sister would be nicer to me.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #i hate my existence #sewer slide #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

I only have this month and next month of school and then I’m done with school forever. I’m freaking out, not in a good way. This is all I’ve wanted since I was a kid and now I’m so scared. Scared I can’t do it, get a job and be normal. I’m so anxious about getting a job. I wish I didn’t have too. I mean I want to but I’m so anxious that I’ll be in everyone’s way, this is kinda gross but my anxiety makes me sweat and I’m scared about that. I’m scared I won’t find friends at work and everyone will hate me and I’m scared that I’ll embarrass myself so much. Anxiety sucks.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #dear diary #i hate my existence #personal vent #anxiety

[llsadgirl]

My dad’s dad died this morning and his mom (I’ll call her gma L) posted a sad post a Facebook and my best friend saw it and texted my gma (my moms mom) asking if I was ok. And she was texting me too. I was sleeping so my gma woke me up and told me. I texted my friend back, turns out she thought maybe the post was about me being dead and she said she was in target and almost started crying. It made me kinda happy if the reminder that people care about me and would miss me if I’m gone.

I feel bad saying I’m not sad about him dying but I’m not, only because I didn’t know him though and don’t remember meeting him.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #i hate my existence #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

[llsadgirl]

the feminine urge to die young

[llsadgirl]

I wish there was a way to erase myself from people’s memories to disappear without a trace and become non existent to others

[llsadgirl]

i don't wanna die, i just wanna never have existed in the first place.

[llsadgirl]

Just weighed myself, that was a bad idea.

#low self everything #diary #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #i hate my existence #body image #personal vent

[llsadgirl]

Wrote this at like 6 in the morning. Didn’t mean to make it seem like a sewerslide note.

Just leave me alone

Just let me die

Don’t save me

Don’t cry, I’m not in pain anymore

I know I left you with pain, but god, life was driving me insane

I hope you can forgive me

Its okay if you can’t, I understand

I’ll see you again one day, maybe

I don’t know where I am, all I hope for is that I’m numb, or that I don’t remember

Maybe I’m a ghost, if that’s the case then look for me

Maybe I’m a star, look for me

Maybe I’m just simply gone, and maybe that’s what I want.

#low self everything #depressing shit #diary #tw depressing stuff #dear diary #i hate my existence #sewer slide #personal vent #depressing quotes #original poem