lavenderviolin

[lavenderviolin]

I don't know who needs to hear this but:

-"it only hurts a little" is still pain

-"I can ignore it" is still pain

-"I can cope with/manage it" is still pain

-"it's bearable" is still pain

-"I can push through it" is still pain

-"it doesn't hurt that much" is still pain

-"it doesn't stop me from doing x" is still pain

You don't need to be in agonizing pain to be in pain.

[lavenderviolin]

By existing as a citizen in and paying taxes to the imperial core, we automatically hold complicity in imperialist oppression because we are literally footing the bill for it. That is just the basic nature of being born to privilege in systems of oppression in general. We can be disadvantaged and marginalized in every single other consideration and we still have to understand and cope with this, and ensure we leverage it as effectively as possible.

Voting abstinence/sabotage does not absolve us of our responsibility to do everything in our power to lessen harm, but it DOES show that when our personal morals aren't satisfied, we retreat into (imperialist, this time) privilege to 'wash our hands' of the situation and declare it's not our fault and it's not our problem.

#I don’t usually get into politics on this blog #but I think this one is important #no matter which side you’re on #GO VOTE

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in my slut era (I want to lace my fingers with yours and make little circles on the back of your hand with my thumb).

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talk to me boy.

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I used to be fine with it, and had multiple cishet guys friends, but it just kept ending with them trying to hit on me, which left me feeling pretty creeped out. Then I had this horrible situation where I was close friends with a cishet guy and his wife. I just thought we were all good friends with a lot in common, but then it came out that he liked me and was planning on cheating on his wife with me?? I guess he just assumed I’d reciprocate those feelings??

His wife wasn’t really wasn’t angry at me (mostly him), but I felt the need to come out as gay to her just to prove I would never sleep with her husband, and to keep rumors like that from circulating. By far one of the most uncomfortable situations of my life. I thought he was like “safe” or whatever because sure he was married, but I guess not. Now I’m much more cautious and paranoid than I used to be.

Am I the only lesbian who feels uncomfortable being friends with cishet men? I’m usually way more closed off around them cause I don’t want to risk the chance of them thinking I’m flirting with them or anything like that and I’m usually just more comfortable around queer men because I’ve never been assaulted by one or mistreated just because of my sexuality or for being a woman

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there are literally worse things than being in a saw trap like for instance openly expressing that you have wants and needs and are a real person

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Tell me about your day while I softly kiss your neck.

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THIS. I’m glad some people are able to reclaim “queer” and “dyke” and similar words, but to me personally they just have too much bad history. I’ve had those terms used against me in such a demeaning way, that I’ll never be able to be called that without feeling a twinge in my stomach. Seeing it online is okay, but I wish people in real life would respect my request not to be called those terms, without feeling the need to question my reasons.

it's like... really obvious some of you have never had a pick up truck full of men hurl the word "queer" with hatred in their voices at you.. happy 4 you besties ... not all of us are able to/want to reclaim that word or relate to in with any sense of happiness. It's okay. You can call yourself queer. that's okay too. Just don't call me queer, it's not that hard :)

I think some people on tumblr who don't leave their houses forget that people actually get called slurs on the street still. Like it's not history, it's a fucking friday night for some of us. I'm well informed on the history of the lgbt community:) enough to know that it's polite to respect people when they don't want to be called what's commonly regarding as slur, at least in rural and conservative areas of America... where lgbt people still shockingly live!

#just thoughts #lgbt

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When I was 13, I overheard my uncle call a woman a dyke. I didn’t know what it meant, I just knew my father thought it was amusing, and that my mother told me to never repeat it because that was a dirty word.

When I was 14, I stumbled across a music video. It showed the story of two girls falling in love. Watching it made my stomach hurt, and made my face feel hot, but I couldn’t understand why. I watched it 9 times before I started to feel like I was being creepy.

When I was 15, I had my first crush. I had been denying my feelings, and then she walked in and I felt that sick feeling in my stomach. For the first time, I had to reckon with the fact that straight girls don’t feel flushed and scared when they look too hard at another girl’s neck. That night I locked myself in the bathroom and hurt myself until I felt like I’d made up for my sin.

When I was 17, I sat through the most intense sermon of my life. The preacher was red in the face, spitting and pacing and condemning people like me. I listened to my friends saying amen, saw them nodding their heads in agreement. Terrified, I begged prayed for God to fix me, because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Nothing changed.

When I was 18 I told a mentor that I was gay. It took a gut wrenching 27 minutes just to get that word out of my mouth, and when I finally managed to say it, I felt filthy and exposed. We spent the next 2 hours praying and reading the Bible while he explained it was an attack from Satan. After I got home, I was sick. It was the first time I had seriously considered suicide.

When I was 19 a close friend admitted that she was a lesbian, and so I confided in her as well. She told me it was evil and immoral, but we could still make it right with God if we just had faith. I watched her struggle and fight and mold herself into an image, up until the day a young army man proposed and she said yes. I really, truly hope that she’s happy.

When I turned 20 I told my therapist that I liked girls. She was a Christian counselor, and I envisioned some form of therapy where she could help me fix my sexuality. Instead, she told me that I’d been punishing myself for too long over something that needed love and acceptance, not shame and hatred. It was the first time I felt like someone actually saw me.

I turned 24 this year, and I realized something. For the first time since I was 13, I had a crush on a girl and didn’t immediately fill with disgust. For the first time ever, I said the word “gay” out loud without flinching. And for the first time in my life, I came out to someone without immediately feeling like I needed to destroy myself to make amends for it.

I still think about that little girl who was so, so scared, and so unprepared for life, and I wish I could hold her hand. I can’t help her, and it’s too late to protect her, but maybe from here she can finally begin to heal.

#long post sorry #I know this has been done before #but I just wanted to put down some of my own experiences #tw homophobia #tw self harn #tw suicide #tw religious trauma #cw self harm #cw homophobia #cw suicide #cw religious trauma #lesbian #sapphic #gay #religious trauma #original #just thoughts #wlw #lgbtq+ #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtq prose #sapphic writing #sapphic prose #lesbian thoughts #lesbian writing #wlw post #wlw prose

[lavenderviolin]

Sapphic Love is Sacred 🌿

[lavenderviolin]

you have seen, many times, the phrase love your body! and every time, like rainwater, it glides off you. not because you cannot love it - you mostly, like, tolerate it - but because of the word "your".

is this your body? when you were 11 you had to start shaving your legs because other girls found it gross you were hairy. when you were 12, you had to stop wearing v-necks because of your chest - people were staring. your mother didn't let you dye your hair. your first boyfriend makes you dress up in skimpy clothes for him, then hated when other people coveted you. what you wear and how you present determine whether or not people find you funny or annoying or arrogant. other people get to determine if you are pretty, a court of opinion so loud it blots any good intent.

when is the body yours? magazines and instagram and tiktok endlessly advising you to "take care of" (starve) your body as if it is a weed. you must hack and slash at it, defend yourself from its wanton desires. it is a shameful, greedy thing. it is more like an art piece. you are keeping it or being kept-in-it.

you try to language it to your therapist - it's not that you don't recognize yourself in the mirror, it's more just that the thing that is in the mirror - it isn't you. that's why it's so easy to take apart: you're vaguely aware of the shape, but it feels like you are an animal hiding in the back of this cavern, snarling.

obviously you're like stuck in it. it often hurts a lot, buzzes with pain and a strange numbness. so it is your body when it's painful. that makes sense. otherwise - how many times have you been told to save yourself (your body) for marriage. for someone else. you are just borrowing it.

love your body! is so funny. somehow, without meaning to, the phrase reminds you - it isn't you. you're just inside it.

[lavenderviolin]

Disobedience — 2017 dir. Sebastián Lelio

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we're in love // boygenius ( ig: jayetart )

#boygenius

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Moon Night, by Ivan Konstantinovich Aivazovsky 1885

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I only have two options when someone gets uncomfortable with my sexuality

Feel absolutely miserable and want to hide away because the world is hard and unforgiving (most chosen route )

Get sick satisfaction over making them uncomfortable and watching them squirm while trying not to say something problematic even though the fact they think I’m a disgusting pervert is written all over their face (very rarely chosen, only when I’m extra petty )

[lavenderviolin]

reminder to all lesbians that just because she is a lesbian and attracted to you does not mean she is the one. there are other lesbians out there. I promise. at least 5 of them