latibuleofwords
Night Ascent
|| I write stuff that makes you feel something...anything ||
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“Darling?”, he whispered into the crook of her neck as they lay tangled in the sheets.
She hummed urging him to go on, running her fingers through his hair.
“Are you happy?", he asked quietly, "Do I make you happy?"
She paused to look at him, feeling her heart ache at how vulnerable he looked.
She cupped his face gently, “You make me forget it’s possible to be sad my love. Before I met you, I’ve been trying to find what real happiness was. But god was I in a real surprise the moment you came into my life. You showed me a reality I wasn’t aware of.
A reality that seemed too good to be true.
A reality in which I get to love you with all my heart.”
She brushed her lips against his forehead before murmuring,
“You are my happiness, sweetheart.”
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How much longer do we have until you can't stand the sight of me in your very own home?
Tell me what you see when you look at me.
Do you see a wretched mirror of yourself?
Do you feel the overwhelming sensation of finally getting rid of me to ease your frustrations?
And as we sit at the table during the evenings,
drinking tea and talking about your day,
do you pretend to be completely oblivious to the inner turmoil brewing inside of me?
While you go on about how the cake you baked turned out well,
I silently wonder if it'll make a difference if I were to cease existing.
And mother, did your tea always taste this bitter?
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“Hold still”, she scolded him when he shifted in his place once again.
“My nose is itching”, he whined out, huffing out as she chuckled in amusement.
He trained his eyes on her as she applied the face mask on his skin, noticing how adorable she looked with her eyebrows scrunched up and her tongue poking out in concentration.
After she was done, she looked at him and giggled evilly, “Now it’s time for eye masks.”
He rolled his eyes, “Why did I agree to this?”
She stood on her tiptoes to peck his lips, “Because you love me.”
He looked down at her with eyes filled with nothing but adoration before wrapping his arms around her and rocking them side to side, “Forever and ever, darling.”
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“You are utterly useless and a waste of everybody’s time.”
You said those very words like it meant nothing and went along with your day,
leaving me to overthink until I reach the point of insanity.
After all these years you'd think I'd gotten used to your insolent comments.
But every time you speak your mind, the wounds of my heart reopen as it cries in exhaustion.
Even then I want to learn the roots of your anger and tame it with my desperation to be loved by you.
Why do you hate me so much when all I ever want from you is your unconditional love?
“You are utterly useless and a waste of everybody’s time.“
I wasn't necessarily hurt by your words for I say them to myself every day.
All you've done is proven me right, mother.
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"Tell me your biggest fear", he murmured softly, running his fingers through her hair.
She drifted away in thought as she mindlessly drew shapes over his heart with her fingertips.
"My biggest fear is that you'll see me the way I see myself", she looked up at him, her glazed eyes meeting his warm yet curious ones, "And realize there's nothing worth holding on to."
He cupped her face with a touch so gentle she immediately leaned into it, "I wish you would see yourself the way I see you. Because all I see is the most genuine and kind-hearted person in the world who takes my breath away with her beauty. I see a strong independent woman who I'm lucky enough to call my home. I see the person I've irrevocably fallen in love with and I can't imagine my life without you."
He brushed his lips against her forehead before whispering, "You're worth everything darling and I'll spend the rest of my life proving it."
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"Aww look at this little kitty", she lets go of his hand to crouch down, running her fingers through its fur as it purrs in satisfaction.
“It’s so cute. Take a picture real quick before it runs away.”
He chucked in amusement before doing as she said.
She straightened before turning to him, finding his eyes locked on to the screen with a dazed look.
“What’s wrong? Did the picture turn out bad?”, she asked.
He shook his head slightly before murmuring, “I can’t get over how adorable you look.”
"You're so stupid", she whispered quietly, cheeks blushing furiously as she looked down.
He tipped her chin up and looked into her eyes, showing his dimpled grin, "Stupidly in love with you darling."
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I thought I knew everything there is about love.
I thought I would never find a love so fulfilling as the one I've concocted in my mind.
But all that changed the moment you came into my life.
I've written so many things but I can't seem to find the words to efficiently describe how I feel whenever I'm with you.
Yet every time you look at me with those warm eyes glimmering with adoration,
my hands itch to fill the pages with the words my heart has longed to say.
So that the remembrance of you and your love would last for eternity.
You helped me experience the feeling I've been trying to encapsulate for such a long time.
A feeling called love.
And darling, you're everything I imagined love to be.
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As they walked back home from a long night out, she can’t help but feel her heart heavy with the three words she wished to say ever since she got to know him.
They reached her apartment and he smiled down at her as he brushed her hair away from her face, “Today was fun. You should be in charge of our dates from now on.”
“Well I am the fun one out of the two of us”, she chuckled softly while she looked up at him, “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
He squeezed her hand urging her to continue.
She closed her eyes and whispered, “I love you.”
She slowly opened her eyes, just to meet his twinkling ones.
He pulled her in closer and kissed her softly before murmuring, “I wanted to say it first darling. And I love you more.”
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"Oh my god, the moon is so pretty", she said in awe as she stared up at the sky, her brown eyes glimmering in the moonlight.
He glanced at her, watching carefully as the wind brushed against her hair.
She gave him a side-eye as he raised his hand to tuck the loose strands behind her ear.
She scowled at him slightly before murmuring, "You're supposed to be looking at the moon, not at me."
He sent her a playful smile, tracing the red hue on her blushing cheeks, "How can I not when you're standing there looking like the prettiest girl in the world? Even the moon is getting jealous."
She punched his shoulder lightly, failing to hide her amused grin, "You're such an idiot."
He chuckled softly as he wrapped his arms around her, "Only for you darling."
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"You wouldn't believe what happened today", he said while looking up at the stars twinkling
in the night sky.
"I was walking by this bookstore and I saw them bring back your favorite comic. You know,
the one that made you laugh so hard
that orange juice came out of your nose."
He chuckled silently as the memories began
leaking out of his eyes and down his cheeks.
His face grew somber and whispered,
"Why did you go, my love?
Why did you leave me here in this sick world?"
He smiled painfully as he looked up at a star
that shined brighter than the others. "I miss you everyday darling.
Just wait for me to be up there with you."
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“I doubt you even remember
what you said to me
yesterday whereas I kept myself awake all night
dwelling on your words,
for all I know meant
nothing to you.
Those very words ripped
through my heart
like it did many times before
because it came from you.
And the scars it leaves behind in its wake
run deep into my soul.
But unlike the scar on my body,
no one can ever know to ask whether I’m ok.”
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“Oh how I love the rain”, she sighed burrowing into his side as they watched the raindrops pelt against the window.
“What do you love most about it?”, he murmured distractedly, twirling the strands of her hair.
“I love everything about it. The way the sky looks right before and after it rains. The smell of rain as it lingers in the air. I love how the world looks when it’s raining. Like a fantasy yet to be unraveled.”
She paused to look at him with a soft smile, “What about you? What do you love about the rain?”
“I love the rain because you love it”, he pressed his forehead against hers, “And I love you.”
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“I wish I could tell you what I’m going through
right now. I wish I had a word to efficiently
describe every feeling trapped inside me, fighting to get out. Would you believe me if I said I don’t know? Or would you write me off as a teenager
who wastes her time concocting scenarios in her mind and letting them bleed through her pen
and onto the paper? I don’t expect you to
understand. I want you to listen.”
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“Oh mom and dad, I sometimes wonder how
your life would be if I cease to exist. Every
time I see disappointment flash in those tired
eyes of
yours, I wonder how at peace you would be
knowing you wouldn’t have to worry about
something like me anymore. Every hurtful thing you’ve said to me out of anger has only
heightened my need
to rid of your agony. And some days, the feeling
gets too overwhelming. But if it were to happen,
would you bat an eye? Or would you shove your ego aside and finally
love me? Would you finally see that I’m trying?
Would you love me?”
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I choose to love you like the moon.
Silent yet unwavering.
Distant yet beautiful
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“Are you in love with someone?”
“Why do you ask?”
“It’s just your writings…I figured you had someone to call your own.”
“But I don’t. And I don’t believe I ever will. Maybe that’s why I’m able to write about love. So that I could close my eyes and have my soul feel it. Some may assume that to be able to write about an emotion so beautiful, you’d have to possess it. To me, it’s pure imagination and the outcomes of my overthinking. It’s a concoction made from late night drives and Spotify playlists. It’s what I see around me and what I wish to feel. I’m in love with the idea of love and putting it into words maybe my only chance to truly experience it.”
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