lararyevecchi

[lararyevecchi]

When someone tells me to reveal how I’m really feeling

[Gif of Jake from Adventure time passing his hand in front of his face. As it passes he begins to cry big, sloppy tears.]

[lararyevecchi]

So, today I went to the disability office. I am in the US, more than 3000 miles away from home and this is where I found actual, physical help. 3000 miles away from home - that’s how long I had to travel before being able to have the word ‘disabled’ next to ‘fibromyalgia’. But maybe it is my fault. I have not come to terms with self-categorising as disabled. I don’t know how it is okay to ask my friends to take the elevator instead of the stairs because the stairs hurt so much. I don’t know how to ask someone if they could lend me their hand because I cannot step off the sidewalk. I don’t know how to ask them to take a minute because my knee hurts like hell and it is about to give up and stop sustaining my whole body. I don’t know how to ask for help when hell wakes up in every muscle I own. I don’t know how to do any of those things. I don’t know how to stop apologising for my very illness, my very existence. 

I feel my body slowly giving up, me giving in the pain, as if my heart is slowly going to stop beating. And I am okay with it. My depression is slowly eating me alive. I am there and I look at the clock passing by, the time fading away, and count by five. I could not be here in five minutes. I could be dead, and I am all okay with it. I am just perfectly fine, maybe I want that, I just want that. 

I told that to my friend and she told me she doesn’t know what to say. She just said ‘you are very important to me’, but she doesn’t know how important she is to me. how my heart is gonna break when I will have to say goodbye to her, and to all of them, because the absolute way in which I love people - that eats me alive too - that terrifies me. I feel like... I feel like I should say goodbye. In two days, they are all going back and I feel like I should say goodbye because I don’t know if I am going to be there. I could be leaving, going back home, where I am not 3000 miles away from my parents, from the people that could take care of me, or my heart could just not beat anymore. It could just be gone. And I am okay with that. It bothers me that I am, but I don’t know how else to react. I should be outraged with myself. I should be terrified that I am okay with dying. I don’t think I want to kill myself - at the moment suicide feels so far away, but I am pretty sure I don’t want to live anymore. I am just okay with it, even if my head is filled with all the voices of the people I love, the people I love more than I should love - but it never feels like it’s a good enough reason. Because the way I love is always too much and it seems to suffocate me. 

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #death #suicidal #disability

[lararyevecchi]

There are 41 wars being fought around the world right now. Most of us are busy and we race through our weeks without paying a great deal of attention, but yesterday this week stopped, because one of those wars reached into the sky and grabbed 298 people who could have been any of us.

CBS’ Scott Pelley, commenting on our shared humanity, after the missile attack of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 (source)

[lararyevecchi]

And then there is that kind of pain that destroys everything.

#fibromyalgia #chronic illness #pain #chronic pain #fibro

[lararyevecchi]

Please Tramadol, please please work.

#tramadol #chronic illness #pain #fibromyalgia

[lararyevecchi]

Tonight the pain is bloody scary. It feels as if it is stabbing me, breaking my bones and muscles but, as I close my eyes and try not to cry and scream, I feel the power of all my dreams. All of them, in my heart. The four days in Paris, the start of my English degree, the second year abroad in the US where I’ll do my literary pilgrimage (Alabama is the first stop. Need to re-read to kill a mockingbird on a bench), becoming trilingual, visit Saint Petersburg and become a journalist.

I need to find the strength to survive all of this. I have got dreams.

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #dreams #fibrowarrior

[lararyevecchi]

I miss my second and now left home. Canterbury.

#canterbury #uk #united kingdom #travelling #traveling

[lararyevecchi]

Invisible.

Sometimes I feel like I am disappearing. I am not seen. The world goes on and I am not seen. I am this circle of fat, skin and bones who survives, one city after one other, by the necessity of it. The pain is too strong but I need to survive. I am just there, surviving. Invisible to human's eyes.

#chronic pain #fibromyalgia #chronic illness #depression #loneliness #pain #sadness

[lararyevecchi]

[lararyevecchi]

I can survive. I can survive. I can get through this night, through the feeling of my bones breaking, my muscle burning. I can. Maybe.

#fibro #fibromyalgia #fms #chronic pain #pain

[lararyevecchi]

I want to give up so badly. I want to shred this body of mine, and let the real me live. Depression? Just go away, please. Will you cause my eternal death? ...the real one? I cannot survive through this pain.

#fibromyalgia #fibro #pain #fms #depression

[lararyevecchi]

I think the deep hate towards my body will never stop.

I don't want to look myself at the mirror. I don't want to be sickened by what I see at the fucking mirror.

I can't love my body.

#body #body negative #mirror #health #binge eating disorder #fat #fatfatfat #sickened

[lararyevecchi]

#fibro

[lararyevecchi]

Get out of bed, make a hot drink and go outside. You owe yourself that much. Maybe you still cry in far too many public bathrooms, but I swear, you stay a few seconds less every time. Smile at strangers if it’s all you can do, know that life doesn’t start when the sun rises or the credits roll but when you decide it’s time to go after what you deserve, and you deserve everything because we are alive both only once and a million times every day and every minute is something new to learn and someone new to love, and if it all crashes and burns as it so often does cling on to hope through it all and don’t ever ever ever let it go. Start your life again whenever you need to. Repeat after me: it is not yet the end. It is not yet the end. It is not yet the end.

a greater reality:   (via greater-reality)

#life #despair #depression #love #fibro #fibromyalgia

[lararyevecchi]

Carrie Mathison is my inner goddess.

#nicholas brody #nick brody #carrie mathison #homeland #claire danes #damian lewis

[lararyevecchi]

this is so accurate.

I understand why the leading cause of death for fibromyalgia patients is suicide. With a normal person, they just want the pain to end. But most of the time their pain is emotional pain. With a fibro, its both.

I am in so much pain right now. I am emotionally unstable. I hate this. This may not be a life threatening disease. But it is threatening my life.

#fms #fibro

[lararyevecchi]

pensa un pò.

mia madre mi ha appena detto che se mi trasferisco in scozia fra un anno e mezzo, non ha minimamente intenzione di venirmi a trovare, mai e poi mai. nota, al momento vivo in inghilterra.

la scozia è decisamente troppo lontana da londra, unico motivo per cui ora viene a trovarmi, apparentemente. 

cazzo le frega che glasgow è il mio sogno? cazzo le frega che il mio desiderio più grande è andare all'università di glasgow a studiare letteratura inglese e classica? cazzo le frega a lei del mio futuro?

è troppo lontana da londra; unico motivo da prendere in considerazione. essì.

#futuro #università #glasgow #madre #relazione #trasferimento #uk #inghilterra #scozia