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justcantwaittodie · 2 years

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Starting and Bckground

Well ia m a seventeen year old in 2022 summer. From my experience it is not a great time to be seventeen my issues consist of so many things but here is a narrowed down list:

first of all i am not seventeen for much longer in autumn I turn 18 and that is probably the scariest thing in my life. i like yes I'll be getting freedom and what not that I never had but also I haven't ever had freedom so I have no clue what to do.

i don't have any friends. Well this should be self explanatory, its hard to not have any one on your side. The truth is I always used to have friends well specifically a best friend I am quite good at jumping onto new people and them putting in maximum effort into them only for them to think that I am super nice and friendly. i am also good at making myself useful which helps so the person although potentially not particularly interested in me starts to hang out with me. Well right before i went on summer holidays i had a massive argument with my best friend who i am secretkey in love with (but that's for later) so i am...

well depressed like i haven't been given a diagnosis ( and right now i have just read back what i wrote and i sound like such a pretentious twat with no actual issues but oh well) but honestly no matter what happened i have just been feeling sad, empty and uncomfortable therefore i diagnose myself and i don't care what anyone thinks. tada

i am russian. I don't want to be xenophobic or anything but also i am. I study in a boarding school in UK but i am from russia and my only stable place of living (my home) is in russia. i hate it here as i am completely unused to the culture the language and the people around me. it is also just happens that recently russia has started a war with Ukraine and unfortunately currently it is dangerous for me to describe my full thoughts about that but potently later.

The next academic year i am going to do my alevels and now i need to write my personal statement.

i struggle with bulimia (once again not diagnosed) but also i think puking and feeling super guilty after eating anything for that past five years with symptoms gradually getting worse is good enough

i struggle with anxiety (oh you guessed it not diagnosed this actually feeds into the russian part as in russia mental health service is shit so getting diagnosed is hard also i don't have the kind of relation ship wth either one of my parents to be able to discuss any of the above). But basically i get super stresed about doing literally anything i have panic attacks i overthink and occasionally cant talk. this has also been happening for some time but more obviously and concentrated in the past two years.

i am experiencing major identity crisises. First of all with all the mental health issues i listed above as i am once again not diagnosed and have no clue whether or not i am just making this all up. secondly with the question of whether or not i am nuerodivergent as my used to be best friend pretty much diagnosed me with autism which btw i had no clue about before i met them (once again shelter russian upbringing). Thirdly i have no clue about my sexuality or gender identity. like i have a brief idea and maybe even confidence in the fact that i am not straight but i cant tell what exactly and there could be potentially some asexuality and aromantism things going on so i really don't have a clue. Then there is geneder which is a complete mind fuck. I know that i defo don't feel comfortable as i am but that could be coursed by self image issues and technically when i was growing up i was more or less okay with my gender assigned at birth which is different from my sexuality as i always had a sense that i am not like the majority of my peers when it came to attraction and exprecing it (then again here ties in the autism crisis coz maybe i am just different and experience things differently because of that).

i did shit in school last academic year and i really need to catch up. i have a tutor for each one of my subjects but i still need to do independ work i just cant force myself.

I need to write a work experience document for my dad about a topic that i don't understand what so ever.

On the 8th of august i am going to a summer school, i wont know anyone and i am terrified.

Tada thats about it! so yeah enjoy anyone or no one as I don't think any human on earth is going to come across this

i am also not sure of this is just an impulse blog/diary type thing or if I will actually find motivation to write but yeah! Hope you are having a somewhat good time and don't die!

(btw if anyone read this far going of my previous concern of anyone even stumbling across this I don't think so anyhow my username is lyrics from "Can't Wait" by The Living Tombstone

#diaryposting #blog post #mental disorder #bulimima #tw depressing stuff #seventeen #no friends #sad #lonley #alone with my thoughts #overthinking #i feel empty #anxitey #i feel numb #im bored

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