isshelikelegitcray
I might be crazy
Nurse life with a side of mental illness
18 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
Text
A patient brought us Crumbl Cookies today. I got a chunk of one called Kentucky Butter Cake. I bit into it and almost immediately teared up. It tasted exactly like the butter and sugar biscuits my great grandmother, my Nannie, used to make me when I was very small. I miss them so much. It's been over 10 years now since they passed. It's funny how little things can creep up on you like that and trigger a memory and a feeling. Hard.
0 notes
Text
One of the NPs I work with just told me she loves how I talk to patients because it seems like I'm vested in their care and not just trying to get them off the phone. She said since she's been sitting I'm my office a few days per week using the space, she's gotten to know me a little bit and wanted me to know that. 馃構馃槏馃槏馃構馃構
0 notes
Text
I turn 30 in 2 weeks. By 30, most women have gotten married and started growing their families. I have decided not to have children. Reason? So many.
I struggle with mental illness. This is a two-fold problem. First, I'd need to come off any mental health meds before getting pregnant and stay off them for 9 months or more. That would force me to suffer immeasurably and possibly not to *make it* to the end of a pregnancy. Secondly, I do not want to pass my suffering on to a child. This is not something I want anyone else to have to deal with and, personally, I feel it's irresponsible to gamble on it and go ahead and have kids anyway.
I've never been there mothering type. Except to animals. My goats I had growing up and small dogs drag out a mothering instinct in me that I feel. However, when I was little and playing Barbies, my Barbie would get pregnant but then the baby would die or something while my cousins pregnant Barbies were successfully delivering and raising children.
0 notes
Text
Tomorrow I'm 30
I don't really have many plans for tomorrow. I know I'll spend it with Mama which I'm happy about. Other than I know we'll eat brunch. I don't have plans. I didn't expect it but I've been somewhat introspective today. I realize that I haven't been particularly nice to myself and I'm not sure that I know how to. I think I might always be dissatisfied by the way I look and the way I act. I don't celebrate my wins much and when I do, I feel like I'm boasting and quickly back off. I'm pretty boring and don't feel like I do much. Nothing that I truly enjoy much. I guess that's kind of part of my depression/bipolar disorder. Not to say I don't have it good. I just wish I had something I really enjoyed.
0 notes
Text
I've been really struggling lately with how unfair it is to be rich. My parents struggle because my dad can no longer work due to his health and my mom continues to work her ass of at a job she doesn't like because she has to when, ideally, she should be allowed to stay home to care for my dad who really would benefit from round the clock care. Meanwhile, my in-laws who are retired are in the middle of a $160,000 renovation to their home in an affluent area. They bought new living room furniture for about $12,000 and just showed us the $700+ audio equipment cabinet they bought. It's just not fair. Don't my parents deserve to be comfortable after working their asses off their whole lives? I keep looking at rich people's houses on Google Maps and thinking how that is too much house for any family and what just a fraction of that money would mean to people like my parents.
0 notes
Text
I keep getting these little serotonin bumps. I am suspish.
Yesterday, I cooked grilled BBQ chicken for dinner with corn on the cob and roasted parmesan pesto broccoli. It was amazing! I thought to myself, "Wow, that was so good! And I MADE it. Maybe I can do this adult thing from time to time!" I was so proud of myself in that moment.
Then just now, I spent about 15-20 mins on the phone with a patient going over his symptoms and explaining things with him. When we got ready to end the conversation, he sincerely thanked me for taking the time with him this morning. He said he loves his doctor but he really feels like he has a better understanding of what's going on and feels he is being well looked after.
Now that was serotonin hit #2 in just over 12 hrs. Supes suspish. Then I think... Is this shit finna be hypomania?? I did take apart and clean the grill Monday evening..... Yup. It's not real. It's hypomania. It's so disheartening to feel like your emotions aren't real and are a product of your mental health issues.
0 notes
Text
Serial Killers & Chill
I was at work today when one of the Nurse Practitioners I work with saw my wall next to my desk. On said wall, I have lots of stickers; the big, adult kind like you see on water bottles. One of these stickers is one that says "Serial Killers & Chill". Well the NP had to ask me if that was a band or something. I told her no, I just really like serial killers. She, apparently, does not know about serial killers. So, she starts asking me, "How do they know if people are gonna be serial killers; like don't they look for animal cruelty?" I told her that was part of the "triad". She asks what is the triad. I tell her animal cruelty, arson, and enuresis. She says, "Oh my God, my son just stopped bed wetting and he's almost 9! Should I be worried?" I told her they were moving away from that line of thinking because those were a lot of kids' response to abuse. Then she asked questions like where do they hunt for victims and what did they do with the bodies and if they were centralized in a certain area or all over and how many serial killers there were. I think by the end of this conversation we were both kinda appalled that I had an answer to literally all of her questions....
0 notes
Text
I keep getting busted at work. Someone will come in the bathroom while I'm in there watching tiktoks on the terlit. Embarrassing.
1 note
路
View note
Text
That moment when you're a bi girl and you see a college girl walking down the street with the crop top and shortie shorts on with dat ass hanging out all plumpy and hot and you realize... you just objectified a woman.... 馃槼
1 note
路
View note
Text
Did my prev. job give me a touch of PTSD??
So I'm beginning to think my previous job, well I guess it was just my previous boss, gave me a touch of PTSD. My current boss just got engaged and is moving away so I will be getting a new boss. In addition, they are adding a position they have been needing to add before Covid *right* above me so I will technically have 2 new bosses. The idea of new management gives me a palpable sense of foreboding. It's really not warranted. There is no reason I should feel this sense of foreboding. I've only been in this job for 3-4 months. I haven't made any enemies yet. I really work mostly on my own and the interactions I do have are pleasant and folks seem to like what I'm doing and are coming around to me as a person. I'm not a bad coworker or employee.
In my previous job, I was working alongside the person who became by boss. She only had 3 more months experience than me and after a year in that role, she assumed the role of our boss. That's when it all went downhill. We had been really close before then too! We even rode to work together because we lived in the same city. It happened slowly but after 4 years under her, I became a villain in her eyes. I didn't know what to believe anymore from her because I caught her in lies when she was trying to accuse me of things. She never spoke with me unless it was about something bad. I was constantly walking on eggshells. It was like, "what are they going to say I did next??" The only good boss I ever had was the job I had before I started my nursing career. I used to teach high school marching band when I was in college and I adored my boss. I had so much respect for him and I really looked up to him. I take it back; my first boss at my last job was amazing! I only had her for a year. She saw me for all my worth and cultivated in me such a love for the specialty I went into. I wish she had stayed. If she had, who knows, I might still be at that job.
1 note
路
View note
Text
Watch if you鈥檙e looking for...
**This is not a full list! Message me with additions and I will keep it going. Some may repeat in different categories**
Case (or multiple) per episode crime drama:
Forensic Files
Cold Case Files
The X-Files
Law and Order (Original, SVU, and Criminal Intent)
Criminal Minds
NCIS
NCIS: Los Angeles
Bones
Firsthand Accounts:
Snapped
Evil Lives Here
Unsolved Mysteries
I Survived
The Confession Tapes
I Am A Killer
Fear Thy Neighbor
Drugs/Organized Crimes:
Narcos
Ozark
Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul
How To Fix A Drug Scandal
Drugs Inc.
Drug Lords
Cocaine
Icarus
Screwball
The Legend of Cocaine Island
Operation Odessa
Murder Mountain
Fear City: New York vs The Mafia
Dramatization of a real event:
Chernobyl
Unbelievable
Dirty John
Mindhunter
When They See Us
The Assassination of Gianni Versace: An American Crime Story
The OJ Simpson Trial: An American Crime Story
Orange is the New Black
The Act
Foxcatcher
A Crime to Remember
Documentaries (One Part):
The Cheshire Murders
Cropsey
Paradise Lost
Abducted in Plain Sight
Amanda Knox
Long Shot
Roll Red Roll
Audrie & Daisy
The Fear of 13
Out Of Thin Air
Thin Blue Line
The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson
Lessons From A School Shooting: Notes on Dunblane
Team Foxcatcher
Interview With a Serial Killer
Amanda Knox
ReMastered: Who Killed Jam Master Jay?
Docuseries (Multi-Parts):
Tiger King
Conversations With A Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes
Inside The Real Narcos
The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez
The Disappearance of Madeleine McCann
Unabomber: In His Own Words
The Keepers
The Staircase
The Pharmacist
The Devil Next Door
The Confession Killer
Making a Murderer
I Love You, Now Die
The People vs. OJ Simpson
Don鈥檛 Fuck With Cats: Hunting An Internet Killer
Evil Genius: The True Story of America鈥檚 Most Diabolical Bank Heist
Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez
The Innocent Man
The Menendez Murders
Casting JonBenet
Captive
Night Stalker: The Hunt for a Serial Killer
Trial 4
The Case Against Adnan Syed
Carmel: Who Killed Maria Marta?
Trial By Media
Lorena
Smiley Face Killers: The Hunt for Justice
Outcry
Killer Kids
The Killing Season
Based on a Serial Killer Movies:
My Friend Dahmer
Dahmer
Gacy
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, and Vile
Zodiac
The Snowtown Murders
Monster
Summer of Sam
From Hell
Bernie
Badlands
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
The Boston Strangler
Ed Gein
Wolf Creek
Speck
Karla
The Town That Dreaded Sundown
The Night Stalker
The Hunt for the BTK Killer
The Deliberate Stranger
Out of the Darkness
Eaten Alive
Citizen X
10 Rillington Place
The Gray Man
Green River Killer
The Iceman
Who Killed Atlanta鈥檚 Children?
Killer: A Journal of Murder
Cults:
Wild Wild Country
Waco
Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator
Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath
Holy Hell
Deprogrammed
Jonestown: Paradise Lost
Children of God
Jesus Camp
Source Family
Fraud:
Sour Grapes
Dirty Money
Catfish
Fyre: The Greatest Party That Never Happened
Fyre Fraud
Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Catch Me If You Can
The Inventor: Out For Blood in Silicon Valley
The Imposter
The Con
Love Fraud
Quiz
Fictional Crime Thrillers:
You
Dexter
Twin Peaks
Hannibal
Bates Motel
American Horror Story
Dark
How To Get Away With Murder
The Stranger
Dead to Me
Broadchurch
American Crime
Thirteen Reasons Why
Black Mirror
Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul
Killing Eve
Big Little Lies
Harper鈥檚 Island
A Wilderness of Error
Paranormal Series:
Celebrity Ghost Stories
Stranger Things
I Am Not Okay With This
Paranormal Survivor
Ancient Aliens
The X-Files
So Weird
Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural
4K notes
路
View notes
Text
Today is Easter Sunday. I was raised Southern Baptist-ish. We didn't go to church religiously (lol religiously). But there were stints where we did. Daddy didn't go. Daddy has a more complicated relationship with the divine. I think he gets closest to the divine when he works outside on a tractor.
Over the last probably 10 years or so, I've begun to move away from Christianity. I think it started because of how I see "Christians" handle LGBTQ+ people. Now, I think I'm finally to the point where I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. I don't want to be tagged in the same group that a LARGE number of members use their faith to justify the hatred and oppression of people who persue happiness in ways they don't. It goes beyond that too. I think I might be an Agnostic Quaker or just Agnostic.
I first looked at Quakerism to get around having to have an ordained minister officiate my wedding. Then, unexpectedly, the idea that the divine rests in all of us equally really resonated with me. Then I found how forward thinking Quakers are and I felt even more like they were my people.
#christianity#easter#lgbtq+#ex christian#recovering Christian#agnostic#agnostic quaker#quaker#quakerism
3 notes
路
View notes
Text
I think... no... I all but know I'm hypomanic right now. I've been slightly irritable the last few days. Antsy even. Very distractible.
And I have this overwhelming urge to try to self discover and to advocate for others. I want to buy LGBTQ and BLM mugs for my desk and shit.
I know my psychiatrist doesn't think I'm bipolar exactly but it's times like these I think he's wrong.
0 notes
Text
Tornados ... Tornadoes? ... Twisters.
I am so happy that I'm not as lilapsophobic as I once was. Yesterday there was bad weather. I left work at 3:53 on the NOSE and then drove like I've never driven before! We made it home without drama or driving through too bad of stuff. When the bigger, badder stuff came through around 8:30 PM though, we did end up chilling out in our master bedroom closet for a little bit. It was either the closet or the pantry. I figured it'd be better for clothing to fall on our heads than canned goods. I honestly felt pretty safe in there and I didn't even get that nervous! I mean, my bitten fingernails might tell a different story but I didn't *feel* nervous. My best friend was pretty stupid during the whole thing. She moved back in December to an area that is NOTORIOUS for tornados. When I saw a tornado warned storm with a decent couplet on the relative radar, I texted her to make sure they were watching the weather. They weren't. They had a possible tornado UNCOMFORTABLY close to them and they were oblivious. She was like, "Well we don't have cable". I wanted to scream, "Bitch I don't either!" at her but I didn't. I just sent her a link for the live stream I was watching and told her I thought it was going to go *right* north of them. I told Mama about it and she couldn't believe she wouldn't be watching since she has a 4 yr old.
0 notes
Text
Today while my husband and I were walking the dog around the neighborhood, a young black man on a bike said hello to us. He also said, "Thanks for representing. Don't think we don't notice." He was referring to our Black Lives Matter garden flag. Unfortunately, after being up for a few months, our HOA required us to remove our flag or be fined. I wish I could do more than wear a shirt or display a flag.
2 notes
路
View notes
Text
Palliative Care
I am SO passionate about end-of-life/palliative care. I just talked to a family who I think could really benefit from getting involved with palliative care. Making the most out of what you have to work with is what palliative care is all about and I feel like there is no more wonderful specialty in Medicine. Last year, I read the book Being Mortal. It reinforced a feeling in me and gave words to my the way I feel. The author emphasized that we often look at medicine the wrong way: from a curative perspective. I believe quality of life is the most important thing and the book really helped me solidify that view. Palliative care and hospice care are so very important and honestly, I hope, one day, to get into that field.
1 note
路
View note
Text
I think I overdid it on Saturday. My husband and I were attempting to turn a bunch of 2x4s into a hammock stand from Instructables. We were cutting these boards with a hand saw and I did most of the sawing. It's Monday and my back is still messed up. It's been quite a while since it messed up like this which I guess is a testament to my Casper bed. I just hope it doesn't persist long. The Aleve can only do so much. I feel compelled to reveal that even after a few hrs working and getting our first sunburns of the year, we still are sans hammock stand...
2 notes
路
View notes