ismoke2much

[ismoke2much]

I'm sorry to my younger brother. I wish i was someone he could look up to instead of a pathetic addict. He's been through so much and i keep pulling him into my shit and I'm so sick of myself. I hate that I've been catching myself thinking he might be better off without me

#tw dark thoughts #tw drugs

[ismoke2much]

I found out one of my closest friends used me for years to funnel their addiction. The last years have all been a lie. I don't know who i can trust anymore... I really thought we were close. Maybe i should rather stay alone

#tw dark thoughts

[ismoke2much]

I'm trying not to punish my body too much for needing more food after a candy flip weekend. I mixed a couple things and had quite a bit at the party. Went to sleep at like 11am. So naturally I'd need a bit of time to recover right?

I need to work tmrw so I'll have to get back on my feet. At least i ate practically nothing while high

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #tw drugs #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

I don't think i could leave. I just realized how much my friends depend on me... If i left would they follow? I wouldn't want to know

#tw dark thoughts

[ismoke2much]

I wish I wouldn't feel this lonely all the time

#rant

[ismoke2much]

I reached a milestone the other day. Finally dropped below 70kg again. Feels kinda weird admitting to weighing that much. I'm quite tall and on hrt so i try to keep that in mind. But it's still no excuse for weighing that much.

I'm scared I'll gain a bunch of weight back during the holidays. I'm gonna have to eat a lot. Don't want my family to realize i relapsed. My ed was the only mental issue they ever took seriously. It makes me feel uncomfortable when they worry about me.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #pro a4a #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

I haven't really been posting much lately. I didn't feel like it. But I'm also out of money so I'm not able to make fresh food currently. Living off of instant ramen rn. Which is fine. Doesn't really matter if i get the calories through salad or ramen as long as it's the same amount. (As if lol)

I try not to think abt it too much. Just makes me hate myself even more.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed relapse #tw restriction #ed rant #pro a4a #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni #ed diets

[ismoke2much]

Vegetable Soup

9. December 2023

Portion 77 cal

Total 309 cal

It looks ugly but it tastes good i swear lol.

Ingredients

for 4 portions

1 tsp (5g) Olive Oil (41cal)

1 (45g) Onion (13cal)

2 (5g) cloves of Garlic (7cal)

105g Carrots (38cal)

1 (160g) Bell Pepper (69cal)

100g Tomatoes (21cal)

1 (290g) Leek (90cal)

1l Vegetable Stock (30cal)

Seasoning

Black Pepper

Cayenne Pepper

Paprika Powder

Cumin Powder

Ground Garlic

Serve with freshly crushed Black Pepper and Dried Parsley on top.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed meals #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #disordered eating thoughts #thin$po #thin$pø #thinspø #pro a4a #ana trans #ana meal #ana diets #skinnni #mealsp0 #mealspo #mealspø #m3alspo #m3alsp0 #dietspo

[ismoke2much]

So today is my 3rd day on the job. I'm currently getting 2 small pretzel breads before i go there to have a bit of energy. I have eaten there as well but as of right now i managed to get away with little food that isn't too unhealthy. I'm not gaining weight so i hope it's not too much that i eat. I try not to think about it. I'm very stressed. Let's hope I'll be able to still lose a bit of weight this way. Still very unhappy with how much i weigh

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed meals #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #pro a4a #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

I'm starting work again tmrw. I'm really scared ill have to eat there. Apparently they cook together sometimes and i doubt it'll be salad every day. But I'll need more energy bc I'll move around much more. I can't risk passing out. I don't want to go to treatment right now. I just want to waste away

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #pro a4a #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

So I've disappeared off the face of the earth for a couple days. Didn't leave my flat, didn't really eat. Played sims for hours and smoked. Tbh no idea if i even took my meds every day. Only lost 2kg but i didn't move very much so fair.

I'm starting a new job tmrw tho so yeah I'll have to get back into life. Have to stop smoking this much.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw ed diet #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #disordered eating thoughts #pro a4a #ana trans #ana diets #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

Spinach Salad

24. November 2023

Salad Base 209 cal

Dressing 28 cal

Total 237 cal

Salad Base

125g Spinach (29cal)

10g Arugula (2cal)

120g Cucumber (18cal)

1 (40g) Spring Onion (14cal)

155g Button Mushrooms (34cal)

½ (75g) Apple (40cal)

55g Carrots (20cal)

70g Peas (52cal)

Dressing

1 tsp (15g) Pesto Sun Dried Tomato (25cal)

20ml Herbal Vinegar (3cal)

Seasoning

Seasoned Salt

Black Pepper

Cayenne Pepper

Dried Chives

Paprika Powder

Cumin Powder

Ground Garlic

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #tw restriction #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #thin$po #thin$pø #thinspø #pro a4a #ana trans #ana meal #ana diets #skinnni #ed diets #dietspo #mealsp0 #ed meals #mealspo #mealspø #meal$p0 #meal$po

[ismoke2much]

Spinach Salad

23. November 2023

Salad Base 214 cal

Dressing 28 cal

Total 242 cal

Salad Base

125g Spinach (29cal)

30g Arugula (8cal)

110g Cucumber (17cal)

2 (30g) Spring Onions (10cal)

½ (75g) Apple (40cal)

½ (60g) Bell Pepper (30cal)

70g Tomatoes (15cal)

85g Sweet Corn (65cal)

Dressing

1 tsp (15g) Pesto Sun Dried Tomato (25cal)

20ml Herbal Vinegar (3cal)

Seasoning

Seasoned Salt

Black Pepper

Cayenne Pepper

Dried Parsley

Paprika Powder

Cumin Powder

Ground Garlic

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #ed meals #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #tw drugs #thin$po #thin$pø #thinspø #pro a4a #ana trans #ana meal #ana diets #skinnni #mealsp0 #mealspo #mealspø #meal$p0 #meal$po

[ismoke2much]

I hate that I'm getting anxious buying food again. It reminds my of a time when i was very unwell mentally.

But it also makes me feel good. For me it's a sign it's working yk. Finally giving in to the urge to restrict. Getting scared of food is a part of it. A small price to pay for the perfect body and the oh so comforting emptiness.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #disordered eating thoughts #pro a4a #ana trans #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

Nearly had a panic attack when i went to get groceries yesterday. They were out of spinach. I spent a good 10 minutes standing by the vegetables trying to figure out what i would eat instead. And another 10 minutes searching for alternatives and trying to convince myself that it's ok to choose another kind of salad. Luckily they had spinach again today

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #pro a4a #ana trans #skinnni

[ismoke2much]

Lamb's Lettuce

22. November 2023

Salad Base 196 cal

Dressing 28 cal

Total 224 cal

Salad Base

150g Lamb's Lettuce (27cal)

30g Arugula (8cal)

115g Cucumber (17cal)

2 (30g) Spring Onions (10cal)

105g Button Mushrooms (25cal)

½ (70g) Apple (38cal)

80g Tomatoes (17cal)

70g Sweet Corn (54cal)

Dressing

1 tsp (15g) Pesto Sun Dried Tomato (25cal)

20ml Herbal Vinegar (3cal)

Seasoning

Seasoned Salt

Black Pepper

Cayenne Pepper

Dried Chives

Paprika Powder

Cumin Powder

Ground Garlic

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #ed meals #ed diets #ed rant #ed relapse #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #thin$po #thin$pø #thinspø #pro a4a #ana trans #ana meal #ana diets #skinnni #dietspo #mealsp0 #mealspo #mealspø #meal$p0 #meal$po

[ismoke2much]

I met up with a friend briefly to buy some weed. They invited me over to eat cuz they know i have money problems. It was really tempting. They offered me oven cheese (is that a word?) which is a guilty pleasure of mine. But i said no. It's got way too many calories. It's too tempting. I have to stay strict when i can. I guess I'd rather have no money than eat unhealthy.

#an0rec1a #ana rant #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw restrictive ed #food restriction #ed rant #ed relapse #tw restriction #disordered eating thoughts #tw drugs #ana trans