hervellalife

[hervellalife]

Never imagined I'll run to my eldest sister to vent out my problem. She has been the hardest one I could open up to with all my siblings (w/c I never tried). But I knew this time, she'll be the only one who can understand me, and it's so unusual, but it felt so right.

I never imagined I could be this lonely and depreesed to express myself to anyone. I am weaker now. My fear has broken a little and my stress had lighten my heavy emotions, because God told me today to let loose and be honest with this problem.

[hervellalife]

Just earlier, I was crying while praying, thinking of all the struggles I've gone through - pains, discourgements, failures, insults, and rejections that brought me where I am today. But all of a sudden, just this morning, I felt a little heartbroken when I realized that my efforts wasn't appreciated again. And again. And again. It struck my heart as if I've done nothing to deserve a spotlight, or just any words of affirmations.

But I want to remain positive, humble and kind because I promised God that I will remain strong and that I will keep on trusting His will, His way, and His timing. God has always been there for me, He kept me strong from all this battles I face each day. I am still here because of Him. I am greatful in every bit of it. That's why I call it "Life."

#randome #facts #update #lerants #pain #inspiration #love

[hervellalife]

#Youtube

[hervellalife]

Temptation

Hi!

It’s been awhile since the last update. Have I mentioned here that I do video blogging now? You might’ve seen my shared posts of YouTube (Velle Diaries) Well, you heard it right. For the purpose of minimizing my storage on my phone, a remembrance of my journey of independency, and of course, as an update for my family back home. Yes, I am now living far away from my home for 6 (six) months now. It’s a lot to take in now, but there’s so much that had happened in my real life that I couldn’t believe, but I can finally say, “I am finally here.”

It has been a roller coaster ride. But, most of it are the worst. I have always try to share about it to anyone, but I couldn’t find the right words. Maybe I’ll try it here since this page has become my diary all throughout my life and this journal knows that I am better in writing than verbal approach.

Part I. The Break-up

It happened in year 2022. I was hired in a new workplace that I’ve prayed for – entering in a government agency was such an honor at this young age. In the early weeks, I was so amazed how chill it is since I was hired as a technical staff. It was an easy start that’s why I have a lot of free time to meet new people and bond with them at work, and it was more exciting because I started in the field, ROCOND Survey days, 4:00 am to 2:00 pm for a month. But at the end of that survey, I was tasked to encode all the data from our field works through mentorship. As the days went by, I became so closed with my co-workers and we bond like brothers and sisters. Until one day..

I was left with someone to work with all those data because my bosses were busy on some fieldworks they left while focusing on that survey. This person was a man we called “mysterious-torpe-unbothered” kind of guy. He is the only one in our unit that has his own world, he’s so quiet that made me hard to approach him. But I asked him to loosen up a little so I can communicate with him comfortably for our work. Until our colleagues (are mostly boys)  started teasing us because he changed ever since. Little did I know, he is keeping a special feeling for me. All I thought I was just making friends, I even talked to him about my beautiful 6-years relationship at that time.

As we focused on our work, my co-workers intentionally leave us alone every time and tried to make a connection for us to get closer. I knew something is wrong, and I was ignoring it. But they didn’t stop. I kept it to my partner because I was hesitant that he’ll overthink often about me at work. It is one of my goals to be hired in a government agency, that’s why I made sure that there would be no conflicts, but I knew it will not last.

As days and months went by, I started to feel comfortable with my colleagues that even when we had small fights with my partner, I couldn’t help to hide it with my mood. And I started to open up and broke down walls for them. I knew that was wrong, but I’ve always kept my mouth shut every time I get hurt, insulted, forgotten, and ignored. Those were the times I needed a man’s perspective to understand more of my partner and to know if I am reacting right about everything. I thought asking their opinion is the right thing to do, yet it turned out to be a lesson not to. I realized that “I should’ve kept it to myself or just be honest with my partner. It might’ve been privately discussed and we could’ve fixed it the right way.”

ctto: Photo header 📸

#lerants #update #lepast #elnovel #personal notes

[hervellalife]

Please support me. 🍃

#Youtube

[hervellalife]

I miss home.

#randome #lerants #home #homeawayfromhome #hometown #provinciallife

[hervellalife]

Please support my Vlog as I venture Youtube world and boost up my confidence. Thank you!

#youtuber #blog to video #blogger #like #share #subscribe #help #please #support #Youtube

[hervellalife]

Please support me on my new journey as I explore and grow. Please like, share and subscribe! Thank you 🫶🏻

#rants #random #inspiration #blogger #vlog #travel #travel blog #lifeupdate #youtube #tumblr milestone

[hervellalife]

Ang gulo ng nararamdaman ko. Masaya naman ako ngayon, pero ikaw pa rin yung lagi kong iniisip. Ikaw pa rin ang lagi kong hinahanap sa tuwing masaya ako.

Pilit ko nang pinapahalagahan ang mga ginagawa at pinapakita ng iba, pero ikaw pa rin ang gusto kong gumawa ng mga 'yon. Ang hirap maging masaya kung magulo at komplikado ang nararamdaman.

Mahal ko naman din siya, pero parang mas mahal pa rin kita.

#random #lerants #randome #inspiration #love #matvelle

[hervellalife]

I miss you, my dear. So much.

I wish you nothing but the best in life. Even when it hurts that I won't be part of it anymore, I still wish you the happiness you deserve. God knows how I miss you, everything about you, Mat.

Even though I regret everything I did, I'm still lost with this situation. If you ever read this, please let me know you're doing okay and you're safe.

I am sorry and I miss you.

#lerants #8update #8matvelle #random #8lovelife

[hervellalife]

Hi! It's been awhile since my last update.

Currently cannot sleep due to overthinking. I can't focus on my review because I have to help babysit my nieces. I just got tired complaining, that's why I'm starting to lift it up in prayers for God's guidance and strength for all this struggles I'm keeping.

I already filed my leave from work for my ALE. I still have until Monday to set up and plan for my way to prioritize my review somewhere I can focus and be at peace. Maybe at the library or at shore. I'm still figuring it out. Been to a lot of cafeterias too - weird because I don't drink coffee. But I have to look for a place to review, so I did visit some to figure it out if it might help. I think it can.

I am so grateful for our DE (District Engineer) for helping me out on my financial crisis unexpectedly. I just visited him for an approval of my leave but he lend me financial support and inspiring speech that the company is happy to welcome me back after.

I feel the pressure, but I want to fight this and start being serious about reviewing already. I only have a month left to focus. So help me God.

#elALEjourney #ALE #review #8update #randome #lifeupdate #life #architect #soonarch

[hervellalife]

Last night I just found myself crying over the things that I couldn't change anymore. I saw myself needing a support system that I don't have. I was wishing for good intentions to a lot of people except for myself. I overworked to fill up the emptiness. I changed my lifestyle into an abusive self motivation. I felt so drained physically, emotionally and mentally.

But, I just prayed. I just talked to God about it, and even I didn't say much, I knew He knows everything. I don't know what lies ahead of the life I have now, but I trust Him for keeping me going.

I wanted a hug, a comfort. I feel so lonely and lost. I know I have a lot of people at my back, waiting for me to open up, but I just wanted peace. I want to protect my feelings again even I wanted to explode because I know only God can understand all the pain I'm carrying from the moment I knew I have no one else to trust about it, only God can heal me.

And so, I'm praying..

Lord, as I go fighting each and every day of this silent battles, may You not get tired of me. May you keep me strong and humble to keep all the people I love happy. May You always hold my hand to keep me going. May you always keep me company in this lonely world I live within myself. May You not get confused of the things I want and may You always be there for me when no one else can handle me. In Your name, Amen.

#personal #rants #lerants #update

[hervellalife]

I was thinking about my church group/organization since last Sunday, and I'm thinking of going back to attend again. But today just gave me a sign, I was removed from the group and it hit me like a thunderstorm.

It hurt, because I always pray with grateful heart for being part of that organization because it led me closer to God. Now, I also lost it. So, let's have faith.

#random #photo #delete later #update #quotes #true

[hervellalife]

I saw you tonight, at the very sacred place, at the Shrine. I wanted to run to you, I wanted to hug you, I wanted to say "I miss you", but I don't know why I looked down and run away. I felt ashamed, I feel numb, I feel sad. All the nights I keep distracting myself to avoid crying, just drained. I remained calm, until I came home and rashed at my room, wondering,

"What happened to us?

What have I done?

I lost the treasure I sacrificed myself into."

I still long for you. I still want you. I want you back.. but How? I am not who I am anymore, and I have the fear of hurting you again which you don't deserve.

It's good to see you anyway. 🥹

#8matvelle #8rants #randome

[hervellalife]

I should've kept it, I shouldn't trust anyone else. Now, it is used to go against me. I have been blinded to the fact that I loved so much that I haven't been careful of what will be. Thank you still, another lesson for me.

#lerants #personal

[hervellalife]

11.03.2022

Do not let your troubles steal the happiness within you.

From the morning I woke up on my birthday, I promised myself that I will be happy and at peace. I thank my family for giving it a start as I go down the stairs that day. I also want to thank those who greeted me without expecting a treat (because, "bodi"). And also to those who put so much effort to give me gifts and cakes.

People who truly knows me, I am a sentimental kind of person, and even for a little dinner celebration with complete cast of my family and loved ones, I felt so special. Thank you!

God has never fail me. He always give the best and plans way better than what I deserve. He humbles my heart with so much love and compassion. I am a child of God and He knows me better than anyone in this world.

Another year to survive, and a stronger faith to never give up this life. I know God will keep me safe and all the people around me. Cheers to a new start, 26th 🌷

#inspiration #update #life #love #8life #8personal #8update #birthday

[hervellalife]

Life Update through Poem

Let me do this.

Let me wake up in the morning with just my alarm clock reminding me I have to be early. Let me took a bath without a hurry. Let me look good with any clothes I want to wear. Let me listen to the music that would bring peace to my ears.   Let me skip my breakfast and vitamins. Let me take a walk on my way to work. Let me put on my ear pods and reflect my mistakes through my playlist. Let me sweat and feel tired in the moment.   Let me give my smiles and greeting of good mornings to people passing by. Let me sit on my chair and relax as I arrived at work looking exhausted. Let me pretend that I am okay throughout the day. Let me drown myself on my work because that’s the only way I forget my stress.   Let me go home alone. Let me stalk around your profile if the green light is on. Let me ask God to keep you safe as you drive yourself home. Let me plead you didn’t get wet from the storm.   But most of all, Let me think of you as I wake in the morning. Let me worry if you have eaten your breakfast. Let me pray for your safety as you drive your way to work. Let me deliver you your lunch anonymously to be sure you’ll eat.   Let me pray to God that you’ll show off your smiles through the day. Let me wish that you’ll not think of me as your pain. Let me hope that your mind will soon be clear. Let me have faith that you’ll heal at ease.   Let me make it up to you in a simple way at least. Let me care for you even you think it’s an itch. Let me protect you through my faithful wish. Let me love you like this, in a distance and at peace.

#8update #lifeupdate #8poem #rants #8matvelle