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MY HEART

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one of those posts

I always say that this is my "personal blog"... not because i say where i am from, but because i say how i am feeling.

And this post isn't a positive one (to start with).

So, last week (tuesday 18th march to be exact) i got a phone to say that my brother in law had died. My sister's husband. someone i was close to. the first time i ever experienced someone dying.

"How are you feeling" i hear you ask. well, i don't know. right now i go from feeling down, crying too... to then feeling like it never happened. 

I live in leeds, a separate city to where all this is happening. and i feel like i'm watching a film. Experiencing the emotions, but not experiencing it with people. 

a friend of mine said i'm pretty much 2 people right now. one that is coming to terms with this loss, the other is experiencing life as normal. 

i think my time with my sister and parents will sort this out. I don't know, i've never done this whole LOSS thing before. 

I don't know how to end this post i had more things to say but... so ahhh... yeah

#me #about me #carl #didihearacat

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hey again,

sorry i've been neglecting you again. Feeling that i need to express via a video of some sort. the past few months. 

I feel like i'm fighting a battle, i guess this is where my faith comes in. my faith has always been there, but i haven't realised it. 

I've mentioned about this want to worship, but what if it's not a "want to worship' but more a want to sing and dance? maybe where i am in my relationship with christ isn't in the 'happy flappy' stage... but in a time of reflection. 

I've got a lot to share with you tumblr, but i need to know that what i'm sharing won't fall on judging ears.

#christian #young #youth #christ #jesus #Jesus Christ

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I've now become head of media at my church... I basically run around the building with a camera during services (which is kidna cool because i get to actually be PART of the service instead of being stuck behind a lighting desk)

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Hey

it's been a few month's since i last posted. And i'm sad to say that I've back tracked again.  I work in the film/tv industry and it's really hard to be a christian in this line of work. It's a poor excuse i know, I know someone who goes to the same church as me who works for ITV. I'm a student which i GUESS doesn't help.  The past month or so has been hard to keep my faith, but I'm blessed with some fantastic people who without them i wouldn't be at church now, I'm still doing tech at Hope City Church - leeds, which means that i have a purpose at church.  And in previous posts, I'm thankful for. Without these people I wouldn't be at a church right now.

feel free to send me asks and such, I really like responding to you guys!

#Student #leeds #leeds met #Hope city #church #student life

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I did a thing!

#beach #gopro #nature #sea #creation #christian

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Heres another track that i'm listening to at the moment... 

#Matt Maher #Mat #Maher #Music #Christian music #christian #church #christ #Burning in my soul #soul #Passion #Mighty rushing wind #Listening

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One of my favourite lines... "The heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be....

#Music #Christian #Christian Music #Crowder #David Crowder #David Crowder Band

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Time to think....

So it's been a couple of days since i last posted here, and something seems to have changed.

That excitement of going to church, of being with other christians talking/worshiping God has started to come back. I dont know if it's because I've started to strive for God, or because I've finally had time to think about where I am in my relationship with God. Possibly Both.

The Student Small Group that meets at my house for the past few weeks has been the last place I've wanted to be. I've always found reasons not to be there, from doing uni work to going on nights out with friends.

Wednesday night was the first time in a while I've been to it. (A simple walk downstairs and I was in another chair with about 12 people)

I even managed to engage in the conversations that were happening there.(though of course my mind wandered a little bit... but thats jsut normal for me)

There was something that came up in the conversations that made me think.

"Sharing your faith becomes easier when you're comfortable with your faith."

Being open about my faith has always been a struggle for me. WIth both Christians and non-christians alike. And thinking about it and recent goings-on I can see that i've never been comfortable about my faith and relationship with God. 

Theres that much going on in my life right now that I struggle to share with God. Can you believe it? The person who I'm supposed to believe will love me and forgive me no matter what I do, I struggle to talk to.

Prayer is something i want to work on. It's something I find hard not only to remember to do, but actually thinking of things to say and how to say it. I guess it's something that will happen in time.

Tonight is my church's Friday Night service. I'm actually looking forward to going to it for once instead of looking forward to going to it because i'm going to do lights. I can see a change happening now.

Heres a track that i've been listening to recently:

#Christian #Christ #God #Faith #Faithful #Reltionship #Grow #Growing #Jesus #jesus chirst #David Crowder #Crowder #This I know #Music #Life

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It's been a while...

I know, It's been a while and I've pretty much ignored this blog.  I have to be honest, I got bored of it. Lazy even.  And even now, writing this post i have no idea if i'll keep up posting here. I hope I do.

This post might be long, so i suggest you go get a drink and something to eat.... I'm currently cooking chicken.

Lately there's been phrases (or terms) have been floating around in conversations I've had with people. Failed/bad christian, Broken Person, Complete Mess. And lets just say I'm probably under one of those terms, if not all of them.

Let me introduce myself a little.

I'm a film student, living in leeds. I was brought up in a christian family.

Short and sweet. 

I dont know about you, but whenever I hear "brought up in a christian family"... I instantly assume that for them it was easy staying a christian. I'm not saying they were perfect and didn't make any mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. I'm saying that when someone questioned their faith, they had reasons why they had their faith.

But when you look at me, you'll find someone who is still struggling with their faith.

I know that Jesus died for me on the cross, that he is my Lord and saviour. But what i'm missing is that WANT to worship, to turn up to a service and do more than just sing a couple of nice songs.

I need something to get me excited about God again. I feel like my faith is becoming (or already has become) a ritual. Something I just do for the sake of doing, rather than actually WANTING to worship God. Thats what I'm lacking at the moment, something EXCITING.

I'm not talking about flashing lights, or perfectly dressed worship leaders and a loud sound system. I want to be excited about GOD and what he has planned for me, I want to be excited about worship for god, not whether a church is singing my favourite crowder track on a sunday morning. 

Theres a girl I like who read the draft of the above, who said that maybe she isn't the right person for me, because she's at the same point as I am. And that she or anyone else can't fight my battles for me.

 I'm not looking for that. Neither romantically or as a friend ship. 

I'm not looking for the 'perfect church for me' nor looking for someone to fight my battles for me. I'm looking for my passion for God that I seem to have lost somewhere along the way. 

Currently the main thing keeping me at the church (and keeping me going to church) right now is helping with the lights/sound there. I'm not on all the time, and I'm going to the services when i'm not on sound. 

I'm terrible at concluding things so bear with me.

What I'm waiting for is that one moment, an epiphany i think they call it. Where I everything slots into  place, and that passion comes back.

I just hope it's comes sooner rather than later.

#Christian #Thoughts #Thoughts From Carl #My Thoughts #Christ #Jesus #Jesus Christ #Beliefs #Belief #Believe #Faith #Faithful #Epiphany #Leeds #Refresh #Me #Myself #About #About Me

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Isaiah 40:28-31 (NLT) Thought I'd create a Typography video for one of my favourite Bible verses!

#typography #bible #verse #Isaiah #Isaiah 40 #Isaiah 40:28-31

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Welcome!

Well then!  I've been thinking about starting this blgo for a while, but didn't feel ready to start writing; For 2 reasons:

1) I didn't feel ready as a christian to start giving my opinion's on the internet

2) I had no proper ideas to write about... now That I have, here is the blog!

^^ok, so I'll make those points make more sense, once I've thought of a proper sentence for them!

#church #baptist #welcome #blog #blogging #starting #reasons #Christian #writing about life