I've noticed that whenever I'm not doing too well mentally/emotionally I start to wish I was allo because at that moment the thought of spending my life alone gets suddenly unbearable.
I never have a problem with the thought of being alone usually. I've gotten used to it and my standards for a potential (platonic) partner are probably too high anyway, so I know there's a good chance I'll never find anyone who I'll want to share this life with. Aside from that, I really like being on my own. I like doing my own thing and not being dependant on another person and not having to take into account the multifaceted existence of another human being while trying to navigate my own.
But whenever I get one of those days (or weeks, or months) where I just don't feel good mentally, I get so lonely and I feel like there's no one who understands what I'm going through and how empty life can feel when you know you're likely to spend it on your own. During those times the knowledge that all my friends will most likely eventually pick someone else over me (as they should; they deserve their happiness and I will support them all the way) and that I'll always be everyone's second (or third, or fourth) choice just makes me want to hurl myself into the ocean.
And I know that's the amatonormativity speaking and that you're not alone, friendships aren't "lesser" relationships, blah blah. I know. I get it. But I'm still trying to fully dismantle the idea that you're "less than" when you're not in a romantic relationship, and I think I might have to spend the rest of my life trying to dismantle the idea that somewhere deep down there's still something wrong about me. Rationally, I know that the way I am isn't wrong. It's just that my feelings have yet to get with the program, and that can get really hard, especially when you're already feeling like shit.
People beauty standards: “don’t be fat!” “Look like your gender!” “Wear makeup if you’re a girl! Don’t wear makeup if ur a boy!” “Follow these extremely specific Eurocentric guidelines”
Frog beauty standards: “have a three chambered heart!” “Breathe through ur skin :)!” “Perhaps croak if you’d like!”
Do you ever think about how it must’ve hurt Lan Wangji to watch a-Yuan grow up and not be able to tell Wei Wuxian how proud he is of him?? And not be able to tell a-Yuan, ‘Wei-gege would be so proud of you’??
Do you think he ever sat at his guqin, and instead of playing Inquiry he starts to send small messages into the ether - “a-Yuan is doing well”, “i gave him his courtesy name today”, “i told him if he eats his carrots he’ll turn into a bunny and have lots of bunny friends”, “wei ying how did you do it? how did you still have love to give when you felt so much rage and grief?”