Fighting back (part three)
summary: jude wants things to be the way they were before as her memories finally come back to her but to do that, she has to start fighting backâŚ
warning; sadly this is not the final part, some angst and fluff for surez yâall deserve it!
â â â
My mind should have been on the tunnels, on what dangers probably lurked around the corner. The voices against Peeta coming back⌠my own voice that now haunts me over and over with thoughts that sound⌠deserving. Instead, I canât seem to shake Castorâs â Polluxâs brother â retelling of Polluxâs past and why he would be able to lead us through the tunnels.
Heâd been an Avox, if I had taken the time to actually fight the thought in my head instead of letting his subdue me, letting it convince me that Peeta was evil. Peeta. I shake my head, waiting as the others climbed down the ladder, I couldnât even look at him or Pollux now, two people who deserved better.
I clenched my fists as Pollux and I stood alone before the ladder, he stared at me but not in a way that was offensive more that he was reading me. Trying to sense if youâll kill him next, I frown before quickly stepping down the ladder after Cressida, the daylight from outside began to dwindle more and more as I climbed down, soon the artificial lighting from the tunnel creeped in, it wasnât anything special.
Lucky for us.
The last thing we needed was a spotlight on us.
Finally joining back with the group all we have to do is wait for Pollux to climb down and when I glance to my right, Castor is beside me with that same questionable look, reading reading reading. I internally tell myself to shut up, it felt like I was a record held on loop, utterly out of my control. Was I getting worse?
âYou okay? Pollux wanted to check on you more but wasnât sure if you were warm to meeting new people yetâ Castor speaks with a easy calmness, I envy it even now I can feel my hands shaking and beads sweating at my forehead but still I take a deep breath.
âThe-â Could I say voices? âThe thoughts Iâve been having have changed direction, not to anyone of you and itâs not so easy to push down but no one should get hurt by itâ No one but you, the voice seems to jeer. He smiles lightly at that but Iâm not finished âPollux is incredibly brave, I- I didnât take the time to talk to anyone but I had tunnel vision and I wasnât fighting but now I am and I want to know who Iâm fighting withâ Somehow his smile widens as Pollux finally comes down and reaches our side immediately seeking comfort in this dark place with his brother.
The others are standing a little away from us, already taking a peek at what lies ahead but itâs nothing but endless tunnel and tracks, surely there wouldnât be any trains running at the moment. But weâd been lucky with the lights, two times lucky definitely wasnât our thing. Suddenly an intake of breath makes me glance back at the brothers beside me, Pollux is now sweating profusely and canât seem to take in a breath for the life of him. Maybe he remembered how you sent his friend to his death, I try to push my voice down so I can focus but itâs weeded within me like a virius. It is me.
Instantly my hand comes to his shoulder, I see Castor beside me reach for his weapon and understand his actions and try not to let myself be hurt by it as Polluxâs eyes connect with mine, I wouldnât let the Capitol control thrm anymore, not with fear, not while they assaulted me with it.
âThey wont hurt you again, Pollux. I swear on my life, you will see the end of Snowâ I hear it, trying to sliver back it, Snowâs voice. Kill him, let him burn for- No, not anymore.
And this time, Iâm met with silence⌠An itch remains, but I know itâs self-inflicting and safe, for now.
But iâd fought for them, and Iâd keep doing it. I smile at Pollux as he takes a deep breath, Castorâs hand had moved from reaching for his gun to Polluxâs other arm, âWe got you, buddyâ Pollux smiles gratefully at the two of us, wiping at tears I hadnât noticed fell before we finally joined the group.
Jackson and Katniss seemed to take lead with Pollux as the rest of tagged behind, as I moved to follow I noticed a certain blonde missing and instantly spin to locate the missing boy and sigh of relief comes out when heâs standing behind me, looking at me and the smallest flicker of hope. But itâs gone in an instant, as he clears his throat âThat was nice of you, I wasnât sure Iâd had known what to doâ
How heartless do you have to be to be thanked for being nice. My voice heckles me and I clench my jaw.
âItâs awful, I always think Iâd had it bad then I actually open my ears to other peoples experiences and I just- I understand now. Why this fight is so necessary, its all clickingâ I admit to him, itâs not much to work on but Iâd do anything to see that hope in his eyes again, the stars ill never reach⌠Oh Peeta.
I feel myself reach out for him before I snap back into my body. You donât deserve him, and you never will. You never did.
I turn and walk to catch up to the others, though my mind is everywhere at once. I want to get better, and be better and stay alive but the nightlock pocket burns and burns and burns, i know that I have to use it, i know that Iâm too far gone too far gone too- I shake my head, I need to stop doing that.
My mind is on fire and my feet wonât stop, until I slam into a hard wall. No, my head doesnât ache and the wallâs arms have closed around me? No, not a wall. I look up, and I frown. Finnick always manages to find me at my worst, how does he do it? Iâll have to ask him some time.
I shake my head, what the hell was I thinking? I had just run off on Peeta and now I was talking about wanting to ask Finnick something, I shouldnât have run. But my mind is scrambled whenever he latches on and lets go, was this how Iâd live? Latching onto to him my whole life, a dead weight chained to his ankleâŚ
âYouâre mumbling and kinda freaking me outâ Finnickâs voice is like someone taking a sledgehammer to a static tv, the silence is deafening in my skull. I look up at him âIâm sorry for saying anything, this is way creepierâ I let out a chuckle and shake my head.
âYouâre such an assholeâ I whisper, my hand rubbing at my temples as a headache grows there, and the unreachable itch never sways but Iâve grown accustomed to it, sometimes it felt as if it wasnât there, never like how it evaporates when Peeta touches me though.
I donât understand, it didnât work like that with the other voice, Iâd tried to kill him enough and our skin had touched, but why now? âI- Peeta deserves so much more than some broken girlâ Is all I manage to whisper.
And Iâm waiting for it, the obviously, no wonder look at you, it seriously took you this long to figure that out. But they donât come and when he does speak, I donât understand how I could think so lowly of him sometimes .
âThat guy could live a hundred lifetimes with hundreds of different girls and Iâm almost positive that theyâre all forgotten when finally meets youâ I freeze, looking up at Finnick
âFinnick I-â
âYou donât see because you want him to hate you for what youâve done, but he loves you so much and I really hope you remember how much you reciprocated that⌠I thought I loved Annie with everything in me until I saw you looking at Peeta before the 75th gamesâ He shakes his head, a dazed smile on his face âYou were looking at your whole life right in front of you, your future and you looked on top of the worldâ
I bit my lip and close my eyes for a moment because I can feel it, the warmth in my chest and clench of my stomach with how I left him. I did love him with everything in me, and more.
And I couldnât give up now.
â â â
âMaybe the tunnels werenât the best ideaâ Finnick teases after we dashed into another passing tunnel to avoid a train making itâs way through and we all distastefully look at him, his eyes flick between all of us âTop side?â Pollux huffs and I canât help but smile, poking his head around the corner to make sure everything was clear.
I take the time to look over at Peeta, we hadnât said anything to each other after I ran off like a child, I wanted to groan into my hands right there. Youâre just kids, after what I just did it wasnât so surprising anymore. I wanted to be able to put all this behind us and give into that hope that he was so easily filled with but I just canât- Not after Boggs and Mitchell⌠I close my eyes as we wait for the tram to pass us.
âWe definitely canât stay hereâ Katniss speaks up, and this time Pollux doesnât seem to annoyed by the fact, probably because Finnick liked to tease and lighten a situation, and this situation was one that definitely needed it but was a little to obvious when someone did.
Pollux waves over his shoulder before weâre jogging over the tracks that were just being used, quick and together to make sure no one gets left behind and hoping another tram doesnât soon come through again. But itâs not long before we reach a door and Pollux takes a second to unlock it before quickly rushing inside, and Cressida turned to me quickly, us being the first two behind Pollux âWanna stay here and make sure everyone gets in?â
My heart warms, she trusted me. I tried not to show how much it meant to me as I nodded, placing my back to the door keeping it open as I rushed the others inside. The first one behind me is Finnick who sends me a wink, probably knowing how much this small tasks means to me.
Theyâre finally seeing me as a member and not a bomb about to go off. I try not to get my hopes up especially when a certain blonde passes next, he sends me a soft smile, eyes lingering half a second too long before he was out of sight through the door, I let out a breath I hadnât even noticed I was holding. The next few go by uneventfully, Messalla and Castor who both send me smiles, Messalla a little more strained I knew he was friends with Mitch more so than anyone here. Then holding up the rear is Jackson and finally Katniss.
Her brown eyes burn into mine as I look down at my feet, something that slowly makes it way in is the memories of Katniss. I hadnât realised how much they had wiped until recently, the voices spitting at me for forgetting her, my best friend. The girl who saved my life when she didnât even know who I was.
The 74th Hunger games is what Iâm tossed back into, watching all the time in between pass before Iâm watching myself dart through the forest.
I run and run until I canât stop, and I know itâs not long away now. The careersâs had broken apart to try to cut me off but Iâd managed to lose three of them but one of them were still right on my tail, there was no way I would be able to outrun him, Iâd caught a sight of his brown hair and lanky form. Especially with the things I had done in the past twenty minutes to get rid of his three friends. The forest leaves smacked into me and the humid air around me wasnât helping my panting breaths. I would either stop on my own or collapse and stopping wasnât an option.
I take the moment of silence behind me to look over my shoulder⌠thereâs no one behind me. I let myself slow as I plant my hands on my knees, desperately trying to suck air into my lungs. I think back to what my mentor said, that I should try and ally with some of the victors but I couldnât do it, not when I knew Iâd have to kill them by the end of it. But now, standing here physically unable to stand on my own, I wish someone was there to watch my back.
Because I hear the footsteps coming from my right far to late, I quickly shoot up just in time for Careerâs shoulder to smack directly into my stomach as he tackles me to the ground, even with the fatigue crawling through my bones I struggle underneath him, kicking my legs in every direction but his legs are on both sides of my torso, locking my arms against my body. Panic began to flare within me, I was going to die.
The boy actually laughs as I struggle, itâs sickening to watch and I donât understand how I could have forgotten the fear and panic Iâd felt spewing from me. âWeak little sheep, thought you could survive on your own did ya?â He laughs again, pulling a blade from his waistband, I try to push him off again, and manage to slip my arm out the slightest bit but he quickly swipes causing me to cry out as blood now seeps from my arm, giving him time to lock it back into place with his leg. âAny last words?â
I open my mouth ready to rain every curse word Iâd learnt but his face of humour switches to shock as I hear a sickening crunch and an arrow protrudes from his chest, I swallow my gasp as I quickly push him off me, no longer impossible to do since all his strength had been sucked form his body the moment that arrow hit him, redirecting his dead weight to send himself backwards as I scrambled away and looked around in the trees. Who ever had shot that either tried to help me or was trying to kill two birds with one arrow.
Finally a girl steps out from the trees, I shoot up to my feet instantly when I notice the bow trained on me in her hands. I couldnât remember her name at this very moment but I knew she was from District 12, I still thought about her flaming dress. My designers wouldnât shut up about Cinna and I myself couldnât stop thinking about his designs so I couldnât blame them. âHe killed Rueâ Are the first words she says, as I look back down at the boy who now lays dead.
âSo you would have let him kill me if he hadnât killed your friend?â I let out a huff, I shouldnât complain, I was saved wasnât I. But her standing there with her bow ready to strike didnât feel to safe. And she doesnât respond to my question, I fix the straps on my shoulders of my bag before sighing âWant some clean water?â Her eyes perk at that but still the bow stays trained, âI promise I wonât try and kill youâ I smile at her and finally the bow drops as she grimaces at me.
âAnd what if youâre lyingâ Neither of us realised that we were going to become far more than acquaintances sharing clean water.
I shrug with an even more mischievous grin âYouâll just have to trust me. Iâm Judeâ
She frowns slightly before slinging her bow over her shoulder and brought her hand towards me âKatniss and you better not be lying or Iâll shoot you nextâ
âAnd I believe youâ
I feel the memory swirling and changing but I refuse it, this is the memory. I know it, Katniss just being precautious. The only part of the memory that left me stumped was my nonchalance, and outgoing nature. I couldnât imagine smiling at Katniss a couple seconds after Iâd nearly lost my life but I was an incredibly different person back then than I was now. Iâm finally back in the sewers, watching Katniss slip past me but my hand catches her wrist. Her gaze meets mine again and this time I speak âWhy did you save me in the 74th Hunger Games?â I knew why, she said because the guy had killed Rue. But it didnât feel right.
Itch itch itch. It grows the more the silence spreads. Did they all feel the need to hesitate and raise my blood pressure?
She looked at me like I wasnât real before whispering âI knew youâd be important to me, I didnât know how but I heard you scream and I acted before thinking. After you shared your water with me I planned on ditching you but you have a habit of digging into peoples hearts without them knowing itâ She frowns, staring at me so intensely that I have to stop the tears from falling, she barely had looked at me since Iâd come and to see her unflinching, it made my heart warm. My other half. I didnât know howâd Iâd gone so long without her. âIâm so sorry I couldnât save you-â
I donât let her finish, my arms shoot around her neck as she returns the embrace immediately âIâm sorry, I shouldâve been strongerâ I whisper but I feel her shake her head before she pulls away slightly to look at my face and presses our foreheads together.
âWeâre together again, weâve always been stronger togetherâ I smile sadly at her words before she fully pulls way and links her arm with mine âTheyâre probably waiting on us, ready to head down?â I nod, warming at the rush of memories that slowly flood me, small things like Katniss and I in the water seeing who can dunk the other first, her teaching me how to shoot her bow.
Without Katniss I wouldnât have survived this long and if I had never allied with her I wouldnât have won the games with Peeta and her, I would have never met the blonde boy who I thought of night and day, whoâd I sacrifice everything for.
That was who Katniss and Peeta are, how could I have ever wanted the hurt them? My best friend and the love of my life, Iâll never go back to that. At that thought the pocket above my heart burns, Only when I have to.
And I find myself for the first time as I gaze at her brunette braid, that I donât want to leave them. But itâd be better for all of them if you did.
Katniss climbs down first, I wait till sheâs a fair bit down before I go after her, except I feel slightly betrayed when a smell hits my nose. Itâs everything that could possibly have smelt bad smooshed into one place, I wanted to gag or climb back up the ladder but that definitely wasnât an option so I gagged instead âHowâre you not throwing up right now?â I manage to say between holding my breath and own fluids from appearing on the floor.
She shakes her head, âIâve smelt worseâ She doesnât say it in a rude way, no, itâs more haunted and I want to hold her again but my hands are securely holding on to the ladder as I slowly make my way down. I hear the team as we finally reach the ground and the smell has only intensified, I canât hope to grow use to the smell but I knew weâd be down here so I donât have to just try to ignore it. Maybe breath through my mouth, I grimace.
âHowâs it look?â Jackson asks, making Katniss pull the holo from her pack. I join Finnickâs side as Katniss heads to the front of the group. I smile to her as she looks over her shoulder and sends one back, warmth flares me. My best friend.
Finnick raised the restricts at me âWe wonât-â
âPut them on me, Finnâ I smile sadly, âPrecautionâ He sighed, nodding sadly before restraining my hands together, not as tight as before but enough to restrain me.
He smiles softly at me as I looked back up at the rest of the group, my eyes always automatically falling into Peeta. He doesnât notice, engrossed in whatever Katniss is showing him on the holo.
Finnick nudges me âAfter.â
I smile at the blonde boy, who had his back to me before looking up at Finnick to my left âAfterâ
â â
Weâre slowly making our way through the tunnels, the open space now shifted into a tighter tunnel, causing us to form a single file line. I stood behind Cressida and in front of Finnick.
The only light is from Katnissâs holo but that does little when Iâm four people behind her, I squint trying to adjust to the brightness.
A few of us had flashlights but the beam was so small it barely helped.
âCan you see any-â A pipe bursts suddenly beside me, pressurised air broke from the pipe right into my path causing me to let out a scream.
Instantly I crouched, luckily it wasnât scorching but it left a bad taste in my mouth, my ear on my left was ringing.
What if there was worse than faulty pipes? Maybe this wasnât the best idea, maybe theyâll get lucky and youâll die down here.
Finnicks hand caught my shoulder before I could growl at the voice in my head⌠my own damn voice i have to keep reminding myself.
âAre you-â He didnât get to finish before Iâm lifted by my arms to my feet suddenly and iâm staring into panicked blue eyes.
âAre you hurt?!â Peetas eyes search me head to toe, his hand trailing over my arms, scowling at the restraint for a moment, and stomach not even noticing the way I tremble under his touch. And I almost freeze when his skin touches mine.
Itâd been so long so iâd felt him⌠And my head finally clicks the relief I feel, the itch is gone
âYeahâŚâ I respond breathily, heat coming to my cheeks âYeahâ I canât form another word, he seems to catch on freezing and taking a step back, his pink cheeks no doubt matching mine. I have to hold my temple for a moment as the itch slowly returns, had it faded because of Peeta. My heart swelled with hope but I didnât let it show.
He clears his throat, âRight, best keep going then.â He looked over my shoulder, nodding his head before trailing back and I want to follow him, stay by his side but I donât move and soon the group is moving again.
We keep the single file line since the tunnels never seem to widen, no, instead it seems to throw obstacle after obstacle at us, I grimace as I watch Cressida drop into the shoulder deep water.
âAfraid of water, Jude?â She jokes as I donât move from the ledge, âCanât hurt yaâ No more than youâve hurt others- Or how others have hurt me, I scream back in my head.
âJude?â She mutters again and I nod my head, smirking at the relief in my head for the moment.
âYouâre right,â I take a breath and drop into the water, trying to hold in a gag when it splashed into my face, I raise my hands keeping my restraint from getting soakedâTotally not piss and shitâ
Finnick drops behind and laughs âKeep saying it and it might come trueâ I shoot him a look as we begin to shuffle in the water, I thank whoever designed the suits because if I had a inkling of skin outside below the neck Iâd probably die from the feel of whatever this was.
âWe going to pretend you didnât blush like a schoolgirl when Peeta grabbed you before?â Finnick whispered in my ear suddenly, making me jump and heat sprouted through me at the memory from moments ago.
âShut up, before I drown you in piss and shitâ He laughs and lucky for him doesnât try to continue the conversation.
â â
Once we were walking for about thirty minutes and finding nothing but endless tunnels, Jackson spoke up to break the silence âAll right, everybody, weâre gonna stop here for a bit and get some rest, yeah?â
Slowly the group walked up a staircase and into a grate pathway. I glanced around, watching everyone get comfortable as Finnick nudged me âSit there, Iâll take first watchâ
I nod, biting my lip as I took a seat with my back against the railing closest to the staircase, I heard some laughter and talking as I crossed my arms and gazed at the doorway we came through, running through everything that could happen in the next couple of days.
We could all die or Snow could⌠The world could change or weâd become forgotten. It wasnât good to think like that, no, Snow would pay.
I glanced around at everyone now, slowly settling in for the night. And though Finnick said heâd watch me, his gaze is wondering. We all wanted Snow to pay, and he would.
Finnick didnât say much to me, probably hoping iâd fall asleep but I couldnât every creak had me jumping and cracking an eye open, Iâd seen three changes of watch before finally when I peeked, blonde came into my vision.
I stiffened, I didnât know what to do, I cracked an eye open a little wider and unlike Finnick, Peetaâs whole attention is on me and no mercy to my heart, heâs smiling at me. Itch, itch ,itch. I bring my hand to my temple again, just as Peetas boot pushes against mine and itâs gone, my head snaps up to him. Heâs looking at me with a calculating look, working out easily what was going through my head. But at this moment, I wouldnât even notice the itch my chest felt like it was going to burst.
Does he care that he makes my heart beat out of my chest? This feeling feels like it could physically kill me. âCant sleep?â His voice is quiet but carried across the quiet walkway. No mention of our boots touching.
âYeah, not the best place iâve ever sleptâ I respond, I donât want to shut him out. But I donât know what to say, what did we use to talk about? Was that appropriate now?
He doesnât say anything for a moment and just stares at me, did I mess up? God, so many questions when it came to him. Yet I knew one thing was certain, my heart adored him.
âAsk me a questionâ This time his voice isnât quiet due to his whisper, his words are a breath and have goosebumps rising all over. You donât deserve him. Its voice is so distant I almost donât make it out.
Ask me a question. His voice rings louder in my head, suppressing the voice as I let my eyes meet his as I think, what? What could I possibly-
âRight, because weâre going to pull off what we did last year. Please tell me you didnât come all this way to tell me fantasiesâ My voice slams into me, but not like normal, no, I remember this.
The night we learnt we were going back in, Iâd run from the tv and fallen on my knees in the backyard of my victors home and wept for hours. Even after there was nothing left to cry I sat there.
And of course, when he could have been down the street at his own house, worrying instead he had found himself here.
âTheyâre not fantasies, we donât have to let them winâ He whispered, probably not wanting to scare me but I was terrified, absolutely terrified that he might die.
âStop being stupid, okay. Just stop.â I look at him over my shoulder, âJust go back to your house and forget about me so itâs easier in a couple months â I spit the words, hateful hateful words but I wonât have him feeling a connection to me, not if it costs him his life.
âFor me? Or for you?â I shoot a harsher glare at him now, but my thoughts ring sadder thoughts, both of us.
âFor you!â He chuckles, he actually freaking chuckles. That makes me shoot to my feet as I skin on my heels. And there he is, Peeta Mellark is laughing! âAre you seriously laughing?!â
He shakes his head, the laughter dying but the smile remains âYou seriously donât know do you?â
I cross my arms over my chest as I glare at him, âIf youâre trying to be funny right now, itâs not working.â He sighs, taking a step forwards me, I take a step back âI told you to goâ
âAnd why was that again?â He asked, tapping his chin. God, I hated him when he knew more than me in a situation like this, he became so confident, so hard to resist.
My neck flushed and slowly creeped to my cheeks as I clenched my fists at my side âYou need to leave so you can kill me when the time comesâ I say the words plain and simple, his smile final drops.
And suddenly Iâm more frustrated because heâs right in front of me, for once heâs feet seemed to have made a silent approach and I can no longer find my breath as his hand slowly comes to my cheek as his thumb brushes the skin under my eye.
His blue eyes are all I see and want to see forever, and then heâs speaking âItâs too late for that, sweetheartâ My heart explodes.
And somehow I choke out âExplainâ He laughs, itâs deeper this time and heat explodes, all I want is him.
âI love you, Jude. More than I ever thought possibleâ My mouth hangs open and he smiles wider, pressing his hand under my chin to shout my mouth before leaning forward and kissing me softly.
His soft lips moving against mine, I never wanted to move away from the heat and softness he pressed upon me. I let my hands raise up his chest and catch in his curls at the nape of his neck before we finally pull away, and all I see is blue again.
Then Iâm back, staring at those same blue eyes and Iâve realised how stupid iâve been. Because heâs looking at me the exact same way he looked at me back in my backyard.
âAfter the 75th Hunger Ganes was announced⌠You came to me and you-â
âReal. I told you that I love you more than I ever thought possibleâ I canât breathe âAnd everyday you prove it to me more and more, Jude. I love youâ
And I knew it deep down, that he wasnât lying that he never was lying. And I also already know my response, the warmth rushes in blaring out the itch in my skull for what feels like maybe forever but before I can speak thereâs a whisper that makes me freeze.
Katniss. Peeta. No! No, they couldnât be back. Katniss. Peeta. Katniss- It repeats over and over again, I slam my hands over my ears knowing it wonât-
It worked. Thereâs silence, I look up at Peeta and he looking at me, not in fear but concern. I remoce my hands and get to my feet âPeeta.â I whisper, staring down the staircase. I feel though, that feeling of pure and unadultured rage.
Itâs not coming from me though, I throw my head over my shoulder at Katniss âBoth of you, go now! The rest of us will be behind you!â I demand, tightening my hands on the chain from the restrain, needing somehting solid for whatever the hell was about to go down.
âKeep your voice down!â Gale whispers harshly as I glare at him.
âTheyâve released mutts! These things were made to kill them, I donât think our voices matter, what does matter is moving.â I bring my eyes back to Katniss and Peeta, they both look too worried about everyone else and not about themselves âPollux you know a way out?â He nods, âFollow him and get out! Go!â
Quickly Pollux ran out, Katniss and Peeta right behind him while the rest of quickly followed, I didnât know where everyone was but I knew Pollux and Gale had the front while Jackson watched our backs.
Gale shot a fire arrow further into the tunnel, helping us see ahead, luckily nothing was there but I could feel them still, I couldnât hear the voices rather feel them bouncing off the walls, it left me cold and terrified.
In a matter of seconds his arrow went out and we were plunged into darkness, once again the tiny flashlights being our only light. We continued cautiously, Gale shooting whenever we came to a cross roads to make sure nothing jumped out at us.
I almost internally screamed when we had to watch Pollux climb through an opening and wait for him to give the all clear, Iâd just gotten to know Pollux and from his history.
I didnât want to know what person iâd become if he died like this, my breath released when he came back and gave us a thumbs up, and slowly we all climbed through, the restraint on my wrist didnât make things easy as I misjudged the stretch of it as I went tumbling towards the ground but hands caught me and brought me back to my feet.
âAt least your clumsiness hasnât changedâ Peeta jokes, dusting me off and returning to the group. I love you, Jude. I clenched my fists, After after after.
Katniss came through after me, the three of us coming together. A small smile coming to my face, this could be the future, the three of us together again. Including Finnick since there was no way he was getting rid of me now.
I glance over Katnissâs shoulder to make sure Jackson got through okay, just in time to watch four mutts jump from the darkness and tear her to shreds âHoly-â I donât get time to finish before Katniss his pulling back and arrow and launching it.
An explosive arrow.
She flies back from the blow, slamming into me and then Oeeta but somehow he manages to keep us all up right and yells âGo! Run!â And we donât think twice, I pay respects to Jackson in my mind.
Another person dead who saved my life, when would it be my turn?
The sounds of rushed footsteps in the water and yelling was all that occurred within the next few minutes, I couldnât tell if we were even following the right path at this point or just running for survival.
Screeches sounded from all over and I couldnât tell what tunnel the mutts would shoot out from, then a scream sounded behind me âCastor!â
The words left an ice over my skin, as I spun to see mutts crawling over each other to get to Castor, who in no way could be alice anymore. Finnick ran into me and didnât waste a second to drag me along with him.
So many dead, dead, dead. I shook my head, finally picking up my feet and racing alongside Finnick and Gale.
Being restraint was definitely the stupidest decision I had made, all I could do was run as the others fought off the mutts. Though losing Castor somehow Pollux still managed to lead the charge, finally pointing to a ladder in the middle of a room⌠that had four entrances.
Instantly the mutts rushed in, Katniss and Pollux went to firing arrows and bullets at them, keeping most of them at bay, Peeta spraying his automatic, taking out a fair amount until it clicked and it began to ram it into any white heads he saw. Finnick doing the same with his golden spinning trident, he was a dancer with that thing.
I kept my eyes alert, ready for anything to come for me as I glanced at the entrances, hoping more of our group turned up⌠Cressida still wasnât here.
But my mind went blank from eveyrthing as I heard a yell, a mutt had Peeta pressed to the wall. His arm the only thing keeping it away, I froze. I had nothing to help him with, nothing, nothing- My gaze meets my restraint.
And in that moment of thought, Iâm running and jumping onto to the mutts back, wrapping my restraint around its neck and pulling, not expecting the attack it easily falls backwards, causing its weight to fall onto me.
Ouch, is all I can think as the wind is knock out of me and it spins in my grasp and suddenly my hands are the only things keeping it away l âHoly shit! Holy shitâ I scream as it snaps his jaws at me, pure and unadulterated terror causes through me.
Katniss jumps into the brawl to my thanks and sends her foot into his face, sending it sprawling as I scrambled away, only for another to leap from the water. I didnât even realise the water was deep enough for that!
Itâs long fingers latch onto my ankle and drag me, without thinking I spin and scratch at the floor for any surface to grab but thereâs nothing, I look up, blue. âPeeta!â
âJude!â And then iâm underwater.
â â
I yanked upward, gasping for air as my eyes adjusted to the pure chaos still ensuing taking in whose in front of me, somehow I find it in me to smile âCressidaâ
She smiles back, quickly shooting something behind me âReunion later, duck!â I do as told as she shoots again but my luck has run out, while sheâs not looking one leaps at me, sending me onto to my side as I reached up with both hands, sending the restraint strap into its razor sharp mouth.
Within a second itâs teeth have torn it to nothing and now thereâs nothing blocking it from- Peetas gun comes down and smacks it off me as he drags me to my feet âYou okay?!â
âLetâs get the hell out of here now!â He nodded, no doubt agreeing before latching my now free hand with his before he began to swing his weapon at anything that was in our way, Cressida was helping others up the ladder as we made our way.
I looked over my shoulder wuickly to see Finnick wielding his spinning trident, he was incredible to watch as he tore down mutt after mutt, he yelled somehting at Katniss causing her to run towards the ladder⌠Without him.
âWe canât leave Finnick!â I yelled over the screeching to Peeta, he glanced over his shoulder before killing another two mutts.
âWe donât have time! Finnick can protect himselfâ But that wasnât good enough, I raced in front of Peeta running to the bottom of the ladder, praying Peeta kept any mutts from getting to me for the moment.
âCressida, your gun!â The moment the words left my mouth I knew the request wouldnât be accepted, Iâd be a psychotic case days ago thereâs no way, suddenly a gun dropped into my hands. âThank you!â
I turn around to face Peeta, knowing for the moment that he was right. Finnick could protect himself, I shot at any mutts that were close to Peeta before ushering him over, planning on sending him up and staying to help Finnick get up.
âI can get him and I both up, you goâ Peeta says quickly taking the gun from me without fight since I wasnât expecting it, I almost want to fight for it back but a mutt comes for me and he quickly pushes me behind him to shoot it before turning back to me âYou wonât sacrifice yourself for this, I wonât let youâ
I stiffen at that, glancing over at Finnick whose slowly started to make his way over to us, and then I look back at Peeta âDonât you dare die, Peetaâ And then I climbed up the ladder, quickly being pulled up by Katniss and Cressida.
My heart hurt at the lack in number that now looked back at me as I finally let out a breath and feeling a chill wash over me from my wet clothes and hair but my heart stilled, Pollux was sat crying⌠Castor.
I would be the same if those two boys donât climb up that ladder, I spun on my butt to watch the hatch Id crawled from, they had to make it. They both had to make itâŚ
The moments ticked by and the screeching only got worse as the bullets flew until they stopped and I finally gave up- Finnick sprung from the hatch, quickly pulled himself up and rolling, my heart leapt as I kept watch not letting myself hope and then the blonde comes and I want to cry tears of joy.
âNightlock, Nightlock, Nightlockâ Katniss quickly says, dropping the holo into the hatch and killing the rest of the mutts that deigned to follow us.
Finnick smiles at me, opens his mouth to no doubt play off the whole situation but my arms are around him and iâm crying, I canât stop. Everything over the past few days has built and built and built til this moment and I nearly lost them⌠Finnick and Peeta. My head shot up, locking eyes with him. I raised my right arm and quickly tossed it around Peeta, though there wasnât much room we made it work. They were alive.
âI knew you loved meâ Finnick sighs out as I let myself chuckle and pull away, letting myself hit him âOw! I could be a hit from death yâknow!â
I let out a breath âI wanna punch you but I am so glad youâre still here to annoy meâ
âAre you guys always-â Peeta begins with a smile but heâs cut off.
âGuys! We gotta go, theyâre here.â Gales alarmed voice breaks the few moments of content, but weâre straifht to our feet and following the rest of the group âKeep Moving!â
I lose Finnick and Peeta as Gale is rushing us into a hall full of hundreds of orange pillars, and when things couldnât get worse Peacekeepers began to rain down bullets.
âDonât let them escape!â I hear a muffled voice as another volley of bullets fly but iâm frozen at the doorway, everything in my body is telling me to move but I can feel the itch grab its hold.
Let them get you, you deserve everything that is coming to you.
Suddenly a hand latches on to me, my eyes dart up and see brown, Itâs Messalla, we hadnât spoken but heâd come back for me âCome on, kid!â
He doesnât waste a moment, dragging my dead feet behind him, somehow dodging the bullets, he picked up his paste now and once my legs got moving he finally let me go.
âAlright, almost there we just got to-â Suddenly some of the numerous lights I hadnât noticed turn on, including the one right on top of Messalla.
The beam sucks up his entire form, evaporating him in seconds. Just like that, another one of us is dead. I want to freeze and scream at the peacemakers thinking that any of this was okay, but iâve got too much momentum, I would meet the same end. Yes⌠The pressure in my head isnât an itch, itâs almost stroking, pleased to finally get what it wants.
I try to plant my feet into the ground but itâs too close and iâm going too fast. I slam my eyes shut at the smallest hint of heat before iâm grabbed by my elbow and pulled to my right.
I hear a few of my hairs singe in the light before my body is getting pulled again. NO. I wince, letting my free hand dart to my temple as my feet matched the ones beside me, but my foot catches but the arm that saved me once, pull me up and balance me.
âI got you!â Finnick yells over the chaos, weaving through the flickering lights as i try to grasp the last two minutes. Heâd saved my life, it wouldnât be the first time, I shake my head knowing the more I let my own voice torment me its wish will come true. Knowing if the others were okay would help but I canât see anyone else, the lights so bright I had to look away whenever they turned on.
It was better i focused on Finnick and I and hope the others make it until I see Cressida umoving, looking passed me with a horrified look. Messalla⌠I feel guilt rise in me but I still grab her as we pass, I couldnât lose her too. Not Cressida. âCome on! Iâm sorry but come on!â I yell to her and weâre finally making progress through the hall when a crack sounds behind us.
Though I know whatever I find behind me wonât be good I look anyways, in sections the floor cracks and shatters, slowly and slowly makes it way too us. All of this to kill you, stop fighting.
I grit my teeth, turning my head forward and pushing my body as fast as it could go, I wouldnât die here. But itâd be better for all of them if you did⌠It grows louder each time, flashes of me kicking Mitch into the oil comes back to me and my hand reaching for Peetas throat. No, no, no, no.
Peeta, Katniss and Gale stand waving their hands at us but I canât hear them, Give up, give up, give up. It screams now. The shattering behind us gets worse as I dodge left to miss a light, a bullet skims past my ear, I keep running. Give up, Give up ,GIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUP.
I crumble to the floor, pressing my forehead to the ground, begging begging begging, it to stop. I slam my eyes shut, covering my ears praying they would just stop. YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED, DIE, DIE. Snows voice is harsh and shatters my skull as I cry out, no no no no, it was meant to be gone. It couldnât be back, I couldnât take it if it was back.
I reach for my heart-
Hands quickly lifted me up my arms, and then suddenly their hands meet my cheeks and everything is silent, my eyes snap open as whimpers leave my lips uncontrollably, blue is everywhere and I want to crawl into a ball again, he should never have to see me like this, not after I gave him so much hopeâŚ
âWeâre nearly out of here okay?â I donât respond, my eyes darting all over his face but my hand lays forgotten at my side. âI canât lose you, Jude. Not again, alright, I-â He looked utterly terrified, but continued anyway âI love youâ And then, his lips were on mine and my mind clicked, warmth spread from my head to my toes. I love you, it repeated over and over in my head like a symphony. And I love him.
Peetaâs never lied to me, and I know in this moment, if I took my Nightlock pill Iâd be killing him all the same. He was my life just as much as I was his, every breath I took was for him and Iâd keep fighting. For him.
I smiled lightly when he pulled away before whispering âI love you tooâ
He squeezed my cheek a little tighter, whether he knew the way his touch effected me I didnât know but I was grateful all the same when he let go and intertwined our hands within the second.
âIâm definitely not losing you nowâ And my heart exploded in joy.
âââ
part (1, 2, 3, 4)
I CAN NOT APOLOGISE ENOUGH AND MORE BECAUSE PART 4 ISNT DONE IK IM SORRY, ITS ALREADY HALFWAY DONE BUT IM SO SORRY GUYS
IDK WHAT HAPPENED TIME IS MOVING WAYYYY TO QUICKLYđ
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(i promise i tried to add everyone that commented to be added but some of you i couldnât find xx)
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Memories â part two of memory garden
warning: gets pretty angsty here and character deaths đ mentions of suicide (jude bby is guilt ridden)
summary: you donât know how much longer you can take it. The thoughts eating away at you telling you to kill someone in your heart you knew was pure good⌠but what happens when the voices turn on you?
a lil disclaimer yall i mixed cressidas name with cresta without thinking and realised half way through⌠i couldnât be bothered to go back and fix it so i continued using it đ cresta is cressida!
â â
The next morning I woke up to Boggs shaking me and asked me to step outside, the sun was only just making its ascent.
I notice my restraint is off, Boggs must have taken them off before waking me up, I took a deep breath. I wasnât sure why he had done it, I was in no right mind.
My eyes lifted at the doorway, Peeta was right there⌠No. I shook my head, following Boggs out the door.
He stood gazing over the destruction of the city, I tightened my fist when the echo of a voice tried to break through. Not now. This was the outcome of war and nothing I did to them now would prevent this. But the voices never agreed.
âWanted to check how you were feeling after your first nightâ He explained once I joined him at his side, it was nice that he cared.
I shrug, glancing back over my shoulder âI donât think itâs a good idea that iâm here, I was getting help back at the district⌠I donât know why iâm hereâ I definitely didnt think it was a good idea, Coin had sent me here knowing i was far from recovery.
âCoin always has a reasonâ Boggs muttered like heâd been reading my thoughts âI think she has no use for Katniss and Peeta anymore-â He eyes filled in the blanks his words didnâtâŚ
âShe sent me to kill themâ I whisper back realisation smacking into, I was a weapon, again. But it wasnât the capital this time, it was the rebellion.
When will i be free?
The voice sounds almost sad and I realise that itâs not a voice, itâs my own thoughts. My own depressing and given up thoughts.
âShe can try and turn you into some psycho killer but the people in that room care about you, even if you donât see it. So do I, the three of you kids have seen more hell than anyone deservesâ Boggs explains, finally turning from the city to face me. âYouâre just kidsâ
I frown, glancing down at my hands. Kids. We werenât even eighteen years old, it was something that defined so much about someone and id forgotten.
âThank youâ I whisper, movement from inside alerts me and I reach for my gun, what if Peeta took this distraction as an opportunity but then Katniss stepped out, my heart didnât slow but my hands dropped.
âWhatâre you doing out here so early?â Katniss asked stepping closer but keeping a respectful distance, my hand clenched.
Sheâs with Peeta, they will kill us all. The desire to kill Katniss was easier to push down but when it came to Peeta is was a thirst for blood like no other.
I shake my head, not hearing what Boggs responded with.
âHow are things?â Boggs doesnât respond to this question so I glance up and see they both have their attentions on me.
How are things? I wanted to scoff, but I knew that I was an accident waiting to happen, they didnât know what would set me off. Apparently just saying how are things is one example. I shake my head and I notice the flash of concern.
âI can only get better right?â I spit, I donât mean for it come out like that but she flinches and Boggs places his hand on her shoulder.
I feel it, my hand moving on its own before my right slapped down on it, instantly both their eyes slammed to me and without further explanation i declare, âWe need to put my restraint back onâ
And with that Katniss went inside and woke the others and Boggs cuffed me again.
Finnick was the first to step out, alongside a girl with a vines blooming flowers across the left half of her shaved head âJude, I wanted you to meet Cresta, sheâd one of the directors for this whole thingâ
I smiled lightly at her, hoping to be polite since she no doubt had to stay up for an hour and watch me last night. âNice to meet you, are you from the Capitol?â
She nods, âDo I give off that capitol ignorance?â She asked as a joke but in her eyes I could tell she was pleading I said no which made me smile slightly wider. I liked her.
âNo, no. I was just asking didnât mean to hit right on the moneyâ I shrugged, âMaybe after this I could read palms?â I raise an eyebrow at Finnick who seems to just be smiling at me. âWhat?â
âNothing, just glad youâre finally started talking about an after thisâ And with that Cresta and him left me, sending my mind reeling.
AfterâŚ
â â
The next few days were especially hard, we had to travel a few streets at a time due to these devices called pods, the game makers had created them, no death should be boring apparently.
One of the pods had contained thousands upon thousands of snakes, luckily they seemed to stop at a certain point. Just like in the games except we could activate them from a distance.
Some of the other pods though, made it harder to remember where I was and who my friends are. Boggs had set off the last pod, four explosions had destroyed the road before them and each explosive made unbidden thoughts enter my head.
Now we were slowly making our way through the Capital streets, it seemed bizarre to think that it was once luxury.
âHowâre you feeling?â His voice breaks through everything, and my neck snaps to him as I take a step back, bumping into Finnick who seems to have noticed why and is already guiding me to walk again.
Peeta frowns, turning away for a moment before looking back at me âSorry, I didnât mean to startle youâ Maybe he was trying to be nice, because we both knew it hadnât been the reason.
âItâs- Itâs okay. Really. Just a lot going on, and I think Iâm feeling better. The questions that iâm asking helpâ I respond, trying to stay calm and push the voices away, though theyâre not really there at the moment.
He seems to perk at my words before shooting over his shoulder âAsk one now, canât hurtâ I blow a breath, rattling through my brain for anything and then it clicked.
Weâre back in the 75th Hunger Games, itâs a couple days in and we look utterly spent, I donât even look like iâm making my next five steps.
I try to remember when this was, mustâve been right before the arena been destroyed, Peeta and I had run into the Careers and Iâd paid with three strikes to my chest, Peeta not much better off.
The thought of the wounds made me reach for my chest, but they were gone. Magically healed by the Capital just to be tortured mentally.
I watch myself trip slightly but Peetas there in an instant, arm looping around my waist, holding me for dear life.
It looked so natural. Right. Together, his eyes never leaving me, concern dripping with every blink.
I hear him whisper like heâs next to me âWeâre almost at the beach alright, just a little furtherâ I can feel the desperation in his words, he needed me to make it.
I remember the exhaustion now, the utter fatigue I felt. The thought to close my eyes was over bearing but I couldnât let Peeta down⌠win, I couldnât let him win!
I snap out of the memory, luckily Finnick has my arms in his hands because iâve stopped again and Peeta is looking at me with concern over his shoulder every few seconds. âJude?â Finnick whispers and I take deep breath.
âIn the last Hunger Games,â I began, trying to sort out the memory, he was saving me or was he the reason I ended up at the Capitol? âYou saved me after the Careers attacked us, real or not realâ
He frowned at the question, was it concern or hurt in his eyes, I didnât know because when he blinked it was gone but then he stopped turning to face me. This time Finnick doesnât push me forwards. He didnât save you, and now he knows that he canât get away with his lies anymore. Kill him!
Before I could act on the voices that abruptly awokened he speaks up, âI got you to that beach, then the arena went out and the Capital got you. So yeah, I saved you from the Careers but I couldnât save you from the Capital and itâll kill me everyday that you had to go through that and this and I couldnât do anythingâ
His voice grew more anguished and devastated with each word and I found tears falling down my own face as he took deep breaths in front of me. The old me wouldâve known how much this was eating at him, wouldâve helped him but how could I?
I didnât know me anymore. Or what I could do before I snapped.
I didnât know what to say so I said âHaymitch told me that I- I told them if it came down to it, to save youâ His eyes sharpened on me somehow, âI donât blame you for what happened in the Capital, I never will. Iâm sorryâ
The air hung still as Boggs turned to them finally, breaking the moment âKeep up! We havenât got all dayâ Peeta sighed, glancing at Boggs before solely landing on me again.
âReal. I saved you from the Careersâ I smiled lightly, kill him, I shoved it down not paying any attention to it.
âThank youâ Finally, we began to follow the others down and around another corner. Soon we were arriving at our next pod, this one had a large arch with completely and utterly destroyed walls surrounding it left to right.
More destruction passed as they continued, how long before itâs too much, until the city isnât even salvageable. Boggs told us to hide behind the walls while he set it off the next pod and then checked for anymore. We did as told, I took position between Finnick and Katniss and two other guys i didnât know, Peeta and Cresta, Jackson and Pollux on the other side.
I felt anticipation, the voice had free roam when the pods went off. Too much going on at once, I couldnât control it.
The pod detonation sent my mind spiraling, as I assumed, this one, four guns emerged from the wall and rained bullets into the archway destroying bits of the wall they were behind.
If you killed them their symbol would be gone, who would push that hope and if not for Katniss and Peeta, it would die with them. The voice stronger than itâd been in days.
No! I crouched further agaisnt the wall weâd taken cover behind, Iâd been given my blank gun back for the promo but this was all too much, I felt the butt of the gun against my temple as I curled into my self.
I bring my head up and smack it against the gun, get out of my head. Get out. Get out! âMy favourite colour is purple, I canât wear red bows. Peeta saved me. My favourite-â I repeat the words, whispered and keep bringing the butt of my gun to my temple.
A hand on my shouldern brings me back, at first my eyes catch the utterly devastated ones across from me. Peeta. He looks like heâd burn the world⌠For me. I break the eye contact quickly and the look in Finnicks eyes said it all. He didnât have to go through what I had to understand, I didnât know if Iâd be able to do this without him, or Peeta⌠No matter how much I wanted to kill him sometimes.
Suddenly an explosion going off catches us off guard, did they set off another pod? âBoggs!â Katniss screams break the air, Finnicks hands move under my shoulders and lifts me to my feet, hauling me around the corner.
We both freeze at the sight, easily three of our squad members had been hit by the bomb. But itâs Boggs who lays in Katnissâs arms that makes my stomach drop and Iâm almost sure I would have crumbled if not for Finnick. Boggâs legs were gone, nothing but two stumps and onrushing blood.
Oh god, oh god. I slam my eyes shut and a ringing breaks out in my head. This is my fault, itâs all my fault, I never should have trusted them, Boggs should have never trusted them. The thoughts come harsher than they have in weeks and I canât break away from them.
Kill them before they kill us all. This one isnât my voice and I snap my eyes open sure Iâd see his old and drawn face in front of me, but heâs not there. Relief fills me, but the twitch in my hand isnât as my eyes dart to Peeta.
He mustâve been hit by the backlash of the bomb, Jackson was helping him to his feet as Cresta was helping one of the twins, whoâd I forgotten were even there amongst all the chaos. His blue eyes darted around until they met mine and then they drifted to my hands.
I was holding my gun⌠I didnât remember grabbing it, and it was full of blanks but it could still be a weapon. Kill him, I shake my head taking a step back at the same time I hear a click from afar, my head shootâs up and I look to see l the other twin had rushed to help the other and had set off another pod.
I flinched ready for another bomb but instead the walls to the archway we just entered and the three others all begin to close, Katniss now standing from Boggs and holding the device he had seems to catch sight before anyone of us and the look of horror on her face is enough âRun!â
An arm grabs me and yanks me forward but my hands tighten on my gun, it was his fault. I canât shake away these thoughts anymore, not after Boggs.
âJude, keep it together!â Finnick spoke from beside me but nothing could bring me back, not after everything, everything that heâd done.
I felt my mind unscrewing, going barbaric at the thought of Peeta being so close and safe, he would make it out of this courtyard. And I tried to fight every single part of me that wanted to change that.
I couldnât⌠Not after Boggs. Youâre just kids, Peeta was a kid that had been the reason of hundreds and thousands of people⌠He had to die.
The air thrums around us as we rush up the stairs and I take this moment to look over my shoulder, a wave of black liquid lurches towards us and with utmost certainty I donât want to find out what happens if it reaches me but then my mind flicks.
No consequences, kill him and die knowing you saved innocents. I wanted to shake these thoughts away, Peeta rushing up behind me tells me that heâd probably only run when he realised I was safe but a larger part of me knew he had some hidden agenda to kill me and cause more harm than good.
I had time.
It was the last confirmation I needed, shoving Finnick off me and throwing myself at Peeta, I let one of hands release the gun as I grab for his shoulder but his foot catches something and I only manage to grab his shirt as we go rolling down a few of the steps as he tries to fight off my grip, I hoped I had timed it right.
âJude! Donâtâ He cried out, finally managing to grab my wrist so I raise the gun in the other, âYou have to dieâ I whisper, unsure why I needed to say it before I bring down the gun and finally, finally-
Iâm shoved, NO. Snowâs voice screams in my head and I let out a cry, the yell breaks my skull open and I feel every ounce of rage pouring from the word.
His anger becomes my own and fuels me as I jump up from the ground and grapple the man from our squad who had ruined ruined ruined everything.
I knew it was wrong, some part of me as my ears rang and my mind exploded, but I couldnât stop stop stop. The liquid rushed behind the man in my arms now, weâd spun, had I done that? Before my foot lifted and connected with his middle and I sent him into the abyss of oil.
Then it was all gone, the ringing, the voices and my mind was clear. I just killed a man. Someone must have grabbed me because iâm moving but I donât feel it and I donât care Iâd killed someone, killed killed killed.
I feel the tears now as a door slams shut behind me and I hauled up my stairs, these are wooden not stone. The voices come back but they are no longer on my side. And itâs my own voice.
You killed an innocent. You need to die, youâre a danger. And I agree, I scream and scream that I want nothing more than to be dead and I mustâve actually been screaming because soon all I see is the same abyss I had forsaken another to.
â â
An explosion wakes me up and proceeds to remind me of everything that had happened before I succumbed to the darkness, I took in my surrounding the only light coming from the curtained window that Katniss and Gale were peering out of.
Whatever had just happened outside had affected Katniss more than Gale, and as I shift my position to get a better look but itâs useless, Gale lets the blinds close.
I let my eyes dance around the room, thereâs more people in our group than I had realised, two men sat together checking the other for injuries, another man I seen but still didnât know the name of stood with Cresta while Finnick and Peeta sat watching the window that Katniss and Gale were at. Jackson was no where in sight, I didnât want to see her anyways, the guilt would twist even further. The twins⌠gone.
I swallow the sickness I feel, I had been so crazed I hadnât taken the time to even get to know them.
All of the squad was far from me, I realised I was placed on stairs and the rail along it is what my hands are cuffed to.
Now you canât hurt anyone. That hadnât changed, no longer would I fight the urge to kill Peeta, somehow my wish of not killing him had been granted. Now I had to try not to kill myself, though that statement was half hearted.
Suddenly the familiar ring of the Capitals announcement played and my veins grew cold until one of the squad members spoke up âAll the tvs in Panem are connected to the announcements, if the powers on then the shows runningâ
I rolled my eyes, the power that they could flush into abandoned apartments was incredible when some districts could barely keep the lights on for an hour or half.
The anthem continued, causing me to close my eyes but that only let the voices free reign in the darkness.
You couldâve been helping them stop this instead you let the Capital control you. I grit my teeth together not being able to take in what was happening on screen from the inner battle I was having with my own thoughts. You nearly killed Peeta and you were proud of it.
I nearly threw up.
My skin was on fire, pure and unadultered disgust and shame with myself, how could I have not realised that killing Peeta was the worst possible thing I could do, I would be nothing. Nothing, there was no way to put into words what would happen if he died.
And by my own hand, I closed my eyes. No. Never again would I let them win, hurt him. Never. Iâd kill myself before I ever did something like that again⌠If I was even given the chance of redemption after what I did.
I open my eyes as I hear my name mentioned and see that the Capital is replaying everything thatâs been haunting me since i woke up.
I watch the black oil like substance hurtle itâs way towards us, and I see it clearly now, Peetas eyes are on me waiting until Iâm safe and clear before he runs after me and in that split second decision iâve made one aswell.
Watching it on the screen was horrifying, my arm reaching for his throat but finding his shirt instead, us rolling together and still the look of murder on my face, so twisted it doesnât even look like me before Mitch yanked me off and I thanked him by kicking him into the pod trap.
His scream echoed through the screen and I flinched, Iâd been so full of rage and out of it I hadnât heard it or seen as a metal cage lined with spikes shot from the oil, encasing the now dead Mitch.
I close my eyes unable to watch the rest. Monster, monster, monster. My voice spits over and over again, these I canât shut out. Itâs simply my thoughts the more I push it triples.
âWell, whatâs next?â Jackson asked out of sight, I glanced around the room yet none of them seemed to look at me. I understood why they wouldnât, some of them knew Mitch.
I killed their friend. Yet no one responded.
Was it not obvious? âI- I killed himâ I whispered, all of their heads snapped like my voice was the last they expected âYou should either leave me here or put a bullet in my head so no one else diesâ
In the corner of my eye I see a hint of blonde flinch at my words, but Iâd nearly killed him if it wasnât for Mitch⌠Now he was dead, I didnât get to live. âItâs the only reasonable solution, you canât tell me iâm wrongâ
âYouâre wrongâ Peeta cut in before anyone else could agree or disagree, I couldnât tell by their faces and yet none of them cut into Peeta âYou are restrained and we have a watch on you, Mitch knew what he was signing up for, we all didâ
I looked away from him. This wasnât right, my thoughts were against me now but what happened when they turned on him again? Because they would.
âYou saved me once, youâll be saving me this time aswell if you just-â
âNoâ
My eyes met his and I knew Iâd never seen the fire in his gaze that heâd held this moment, Peeta was not budging on this. I frowned, I was a liability why couldnât he see that?
My mind flashed to solutions, none came to mind. âThere has to be a way where if I know iâm going to snap that I can stop myselfâ My words break at the end as I gaze around the room, thereâs only silence âPlease⌠pleaseâ
Gale steps forward and I see Peeta take a step but Katniss stops him, and Iâm grateful as the brunette boy crouches down and pulls something from a hidden pocket.
A small pill, it was hard to think itâd do what i asked, delicately Gale pushed the pill into my own hidden pocket and patted it âItâs Nightlock, no pain and instant. Only if you have toâ
I nodded, hesitantly but promising âOnly if I have toâ
And with that they set out, planning a course of action. The pods were too often now, they would have to stop constantly.
It was time to go underground
â
- ⌠sooo part three?!?
â
DONT SCREAM AT ME IK IM AN ASSHOLE IM SO SO SO SORRY FOR MAKING YALL WAIT MY GOODREADS GOAL WAS SLACKING HAD TO CATCH UP HOPE YALL LIKE THIS XXXX
taglist girliesđ: @yazminetrahan @solarbxby @abbersreads @antonietta18
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Memory Garden
peeta mellark x female mc (Jude Slone)
summary; you made haymitch promise, if it came down to you or Peeta that heâd save Peeta. And he did. But now youâre back from the Capitol with one thing certain, Peeta Mellark is the one true enemy.
warnings: angst angst angst, mean thoughts ab peeta beloved and honestly just a lot of writing i didnât need to do
âââ
Peeta did this.
The mantra floated through my head, as I yanked on the restraint again.
Heâs the reason everyone you love is against you.
Another yank.
He blew up District 12
âJude, feeling hungry yet?â Haymitchâs voice breaks the static but the mantra just quietens but doesnât stop. My hand drops the bind.
âWhat do you have?â It was a better response than iâd given lately. What if Peeta tried to kill me and poisoned my portion⌠I couldnât risk it. âNo, I donât want itâ
He sighs, still coming towards me with the tray âI promise you, Peeta doesnât want you dead. You know that, thinkâ
I scowled, âI know what I saw. I know what he did. Heâs a monster, Haymitch. Donât make me, I dont want his filthy blood on my handsâ He scoffed, dropping the tray onto the table next to me.
âLetâs hope lover boy comes and feeds you bevause Iâm not putting up with thisâ And with that he leaves the room.
I glanced at the tray, tomato soup with toast coated in possibly cheese, but itâs not the delicious toast that catches my eye, the soup, itâs not red. Theyâve added ingredients to make it appear more orange⌠Not bright orange.
A sunset.
âI still remember that Christmas he brought me that green sweater. Green doesnât suit meâ I say, the air was brisk and I hated walking in the Winter but I couldnât turn Peeta down when he came to my door.
âI refuse to believe you look bad in anythingâ I scoff, glad itâs cold knowing he might take that as thhe reason my cheeks are now red. âWhat is your favourite colour?â
I raise my eyebrow at him âIâm sure there are better things to talk about then my favourite colourâ
He watches me as we walk for a moment âI donât see anything more importantâ It makes me slow to a stop, âTell me, please. I want to knowâ
I look to him, his kind blue eyes and blond hair that looks incredibly soft without all those products they use during interviews, he looks beautiful.
âIt used to be red but I think iâm leaning towards purpleâ I shrug, âItâs only fair that iâve revealed that secret you tell me yoursâ
He smiles before looking up at the sun, itâs setting letting the streaks of orange paint the sky âOrange, right there. Itâs the second most beautiful thing iâve ever seenâ I glance at him unsure as to why heâd say second until I see the look in his eyes.
My head snaps at the memory, cruel and unforgiving. Thatâs what Peeta was, and he would hurt me so I had to kill him before he tried first.
His face twists in the memory as I replay it over and over again, he doesnât look like himself, Hatred flared in a moment that was full of pure adoration. I see it now like iâm looking through a camera at the two of us.
He looks like he loves me⌠Then his eyes lose their spark like a snap and heâs spitting awful words at me, oneâs ill never forget.
Iâll never forget heâs the reason iâm like this.
â
The food goes cold and I go another day without eating and under sedation after I nearly come out of binding when they try to insert the needle into my arm to get food into my body.
I awake in an empty room but thereâs a buzz in the air, I look to the mirror across from me. I look better than I did the first time I looked inside, Iâd look better if I ate proper food but I canât, he wants me dead and he wonât fail again.
The door hisses open bringing my attention away from my strangely hair, Katniss stands at the door, tears in her eyes.
âYou need to eat somethingâ She whispers but the room is so quiet iâm not surprised if she can hear my blaring thoughts or the alarm going off in my head.
âGet outâ I spit, turning away from her. Katniss was close to Peeta, never too close for respect of me which I hated now, she should have stopped whatever was forming between the two of us. Now itâs this. âI donât want to see you.â
âItâs been months, I thought-â She tries to speak but she stops when my head snaps to her aswell, her eyes are searching my face. I still look awful, I know that and it seems she still hasnât come to terms with what I had gone through. Why donât they see itâs his fault? Always.
âHeâs the reason this happened to me, Katniss. And youâre still going to side with him. If you donât kill him then heâll kill me Katniss, Donât you see!â I scream, her back hits the door and it hisses open and my heart stops.
There, he is. Heâs not expecting the door to open, the surprise on his face is evident as those blue eyes bore into mine and I steel myself preparing for the hatred, his attempts to end my life.
But neither happen, he watches me with nothing but sadness and his hands are empty, just slack at his sides as he takes a step forward and Iâm frozen, Itâs not making sense.
He keeps coming closer and my heart is beating out my chest. Run! Heâs going to kill you! My head screams but he doesnât look like he will kill me, he looks like he wants to be next to me and holding me through this, possibly the one feeding me the tomato soup like Haymitch suggested.
âJude⌠Please, Iâd never-â He seems to choke on his words as a tear slips down his cheek âCome back to meâ Come back and trust me so I can kill you, I hear instead. The words make me flinch, the movement is so large the whole bed moves with me, screeching.
He backs away, the door hisses open again but he doesnât move to get out âYouâre just here to kill me!â I cried, wishing him out of the room.
Get out. Get out. Get out!!!
I mustâve screamed the last time because heâs gone and finally the screaming in my head stops and I fall to the bed, the thought of food or anything fades, only the want to be far from him stays.
â
I am Jude Slone, I won the 73rd hunger games, iâm from District Twelve and Peeta Mellark does not want me dead.
I repeat in my head over and over again, as the truck rolls over cracks and bumps, my body jumps at each bit of debris we hit and I hit the metal seat hard each time but the pain is real. Which is hard to say about a lot lately.
Peeta Mellark wants doesnât want you dead.
I shake my head, thst one was the hardest to remember and at times, it was no where reachable and all that would sustain me in that moment would be his blood on my hands.
Finally the truck pulled to a stop, I straightened my shoulders. Iâd been taken by the Capital and my memories have been distorted, my first thought may not always be the right one.
With that final word of encouragement I let the anxiety slip from me as the back door opens and Iâm led out. The sun blinds me for a moment, Iâd only seen it for a moment when they made me leave base but only to be stuffed back in the van.
Now I could see the destruction. His fault. No, no, no. I took a deep breath, before turning to seeing the loving welcome party at the front of what seemed to be an abandoned building.
Katniss with her bow, Gale with his crossbow and the five members of their squad had their guns trained on me, including Peeta. My heart hammered but I kept upright as I took the empty gun from the guard before waltzing my way towards the group.
I am Jude Slone, I won the 73rd Hunger Games, I am from Distrisct 12 and None of these people want me dead.
âWhat is she doing here?â Katniss is the first to speak and though her eyes are trained on me, i know she doesnât want me to answer.
âCoin wants her to be shown on screen, the victors fighting on the same sideâ A dark man, who screamed military spoke and he was the only one besides Finnick who hadnât raised their gun at me. âI donât like the gunâ
âCant have me fighting with my bare hands on screenâ I mutter, before shaking the weapon âItâs emptyâ
The tension seemed to ease slightly in the group but while half of them had lowered their weapons, Peeta, Katniss and Gale hadnât. I had to remember what Iâd been like this past month, I wouldnât trust me either.
âI donât like thisâ Peeta. His words cut deep and I deflate at them before the military man waves everyone to come inside, not before a solider by the name of Jackson, she told me, quietly instructed me that iâd be restrained for their safety.
âI understand, but Iâm not a childâ
âNo just someone who went through a lot of shitâ Finnick says behind Jackson, and my eyes dart up. I didnât know where my mind stood with Finnick, I didnât feel like killing him but I hadnât felt like killing Peeta a moment ago but we all knew it would come.
It was why I was being restrained in the first place. I nod at his words, unsure of how to respond before they lead me inside. The wall along the door was made of glass and I watched as the van that stopped me off, vanished in the distance.
I was stuck here and I didnât know if I would ever leave this ruin of a city. I kept my distance from the group as they moved into the centre and I took a seat beside the window.
âWeâll have to set up an around the clock guard on her, we can take shiftsâ Military man said, turning to look at me. âIâll take the first shift, Names Boggs.â
I preferred Military man but I nodded all the same, âI want a shiftâ Peetaâs voice is small compared to Boggs but it silences the room all the same.
âNot happeningâ Jackson speaks up this time, confusing me on whoâs in command.
âI can do it!â Peeta argued back, standing from his seat âItâs not her⌠The Capital killed her and whoever they sent back to us, iâll be happy to put a bullet in its headâ I flinched, turning my eyes down to my hands. Clenching them, was I dead? The girl I was? I shake my head, I am Jude Slone and I did not die in the Capital. They broke me but I am not unfixable. I am broken not unfixable.
I am unfixable.
âIâm not sure seeing as a mutt helpsâ Jackson declares but Boggs cuts her off
âGive him a shift, Katniss too.â There was no room for argument as Jackson nodded and began to schedule the guard clock. I wanted to be more helpful, tell them that maybe they could go an hour and they could all rest, but I didnât even trust myself to do that.
Instead I kept silent, letting the rest of them discuss our plan while I watched the day pass by through the glass. âHowâre you feeling?â Finnickâs voice from beside me makes me jump. I turn to him and he looks almost glowing, Iâd heard something about him and Annie.
I knew I would feel happy for him if I didnât feel so disconnected. Finnicks memories that came to mind now only brought warmth, nothing haunting. Which was relieving, he was a breath of fresh air.
âAway, I feel like everythingâs happening and Iâm not really hereâ I try to explain and he seems to understand. âI donât want to be a problem, I donât know why they sent me here⌠Iâm not ready.â
He frowns, âI think youâre where you need to be, normally whenver Annie gets confused she asks me, and I promise you, youâll find nothing but the truth hereâ I glance over to the group who had begun to seperate and close their eyes.
It must be Finnicks shift. The thought made this whole encounter turn cold but still, I took in his words as my eyes trained on the baker boy. âPeeta was the reason this happened to me⌠Real?â
He shakes his head, âYou made Haymitch swear if it came down to the two of you that heâd get Peeta to safetyâ Finnick explained but my mind screamed at me that he was lying. Why would I ask that? Peeta and I didnât get along, no, we did and weâd almost- I didnât know what we almost did or if he hated me or loved me and it made me want to rip my hair out as my thoughts banged against my head.
He was not the reason you went to the Capital, you chose this. You didnât want him to go through this⌠That felt right, staring at him now, I would never wish upon him those nights in the Capital.
âI know it must be hard. Annie went through a lot but they know that the Capital never left you alone, you were their main priority.â Finnick places a hand on my shoulder, bringing my fully to the present for what felt like the first time. âNone of us blame you at all for what happened.
I forgot how long itâs been since someone had been gentle with me. Skin to skin, human contact. My body released its pressure, relaxing in my seat. âThank you, Finnickâ
He smiled before sitting up straighter, and we together sat in silence watching the night sky slowly fall upon us as the rest that were awake finally knocked off
âGet some restâ Finnick muttered to me softly, tapping my leg as he got up. I could see his eyes dropping a while ago but he still stayed and it relieved me that he was finally putting himself first.
I nodded, I would not be sleeping tonight. Each time I closed my eyes another memory would wash over me, Iâve started to get better at knowing if itâs real or not without verification.
Like the one of Peeta and Is confession of our favourite colours, it was easier to picture him smiling at me now instead of anger and whenever it did dissolve to the image it was almost too perfect, his freckles gone and the scar he got from the 75th games vanished, as did the dark circles under my eyes and the few strands out of place were perfectly flat. Too perfect.
I watched Finnick rouse Peeta and point over to me. Of course, I could only get so lucky. I heard someone clear their throat before they took a seat across from me. I didnât look up. I didnât know where my mind would jump to.
And he seemed to take the message, he didnât try to speak to me either. She asks me. I promise youâll find nothing but truth here.
Finnick was right, I couldnât close myself off and hope Iâd be able to fix myself. If it was that easy, Iâd be normal again. âFinnick told me that whenever iâm having trouble differentiating real from not real I should just askâŚâ
I glanced up at him, in the darkness it was hard to make out his uniform but his blonde hair and pale skin were easy to spot and it made my body tingle as I registered just how close he was and I didnât feel like wringing my hands around his neck. Relief.
âShoot awayâ I raised an eyebrow âNot literallyâ I smiled softly at that before cycling through my head and I settled back into his favourite colour. What if I asked and his favourite was blue or something? Sunset orange was just another lie they filled into my head. Ask.
âYour favourite colour. Itâs sunset orange, real? Not real?â I clench my fists, please. please.
âReal⌠Yours used to be red but after the hunger games you couldnât stand itâ He explained, and he was right. I used to tie a red bow into my hair everyday until my reaping now the colour reminded me of the slaughter in the 73rd Hunger games.
âBut you said you were beginning to like purple⌠I remember that day, I told you the sunset was the second most beautiful thing iâd ever seen⌠And the first was right in front of meâ I stiffened, though the confession didnât shock me, looking back I couldâve seen it if I looked hard enough in the moment âAnd itâs killing me, bevause youâre right in front of me again but youâre like the stars I canât reach. I⌠Can adore you from afar but thatâs all I can do. And it feels really, really shitty, knowing we might never get through thisâ
He stands abruptly from his seat âI canât do thisâ And he storms out, but Iâm clenching my fists too tight to stop, swearing at every god to let this memory stay and not be corrupted by fear. I can adore you from afar but thatâs all I can do because if I came closer youâd kill me. Was the truth.
â â â
do we want a part two?!?
part two out now!
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