fender-bend-me-over

[fender-bend-me-over]

A Poem I Entered For A Contest

I wish I knew the feeling

The mystery of the emotions that swirled down in my stomach

Some would say butterflies

In those moments they were graceful stinging bees

Everyday seeing her was like a constant pain

A mix of hating myself and hating her

She was too perfect

I would compare her to the sun but it wouldn’t be enough

Every little thing she did

As if it was planned perfection

It would be a mistake to compare her to the sun

One star could never be enough

She was every twinkling light

Every wish I made every night

How could I let this happen

Her perfection caught me off guard

Anytime she arrived it was always a dream

It was like she had control of my mind

Every time she spoke I would play it again in my head

Just to hear her voice

Anything she said would be turned into a lullaby

She had to have known though

Of course, someone as perfect as she was to know they were perfect

Right?

I almost entertained the thought

Maybe she is the love of my life

Maybe she  was a gift to me from the stars

She was the person I wished to be

My childhood idol

My angst teen love

She was the person I strived to be

And in those moments

She was the person I wanted to spend my life with

I wanted them to always be with me

To show me how to be better

To be able to deserve them

I loved her

I feared her for it

She could say anything

And I would still love her

I told her I loved her

First with a note

Then a confession

I really should have known better

I should have thought further ahead

I spoke to her for the first time

Body shaking

The bees igniting within me

Of course, they would

I was standing face to face with an angel

A gift from the universe itself

The very act of walking toward her being wrong

Like I didn’t deserve to stand before her

When I was done she looked down

She smiled

She really couldn’t have been from this world

Then she spoke

Directly at me

For the first time

“What’s your name again?”

#poem #love poem

[fender-bend-me-over]

Bruh you guys.

Life just kinda sucks. I have no idea what is happening 99.9999999999999%  percent of the time. I feel like I'm going in the motions and trials of yesterday's problems and I can do nothing change what has already happened or set in stone. 

My life is an ever-changing ocean where anything can happen, except everything has already happened. It's like I'm stuck in a constant mid-life crisis except it keeps going. Everything changes but remains the same. Everything I do is always coming at me like its brand new even though I been here before. This constant feeling of deja vu has struck me and I'm in a constant stasis wanting to through up. I want to believe that all the feelings I portraying are true but something deep down within me is always there. There to tell me I'm wrong to say I'm making a big mistake to tell me I'm stupid to remind me that no one heard me.

Sure I got the job and sure I'm doing decent in school but what does that matter. I didn't get to choose what had to be done. I hate hearing the whole “you choose to fail” bullshit. It the people like me who are in constant fear of having no control of their own lives who finally make a decision on there own. The same logic wouldn't make sense if you chose to pass. No matter what you can never choose on something you have np choice on denying, to begin with. The choice of failure is a sham and I made the actual choice to deny the inevitable. I knew that either way it didn't matter. Even if I somehow succeed at something I can still be an idiot tomorrow no one's view would change. If I aced at life I know for a fact people would shackle on me to ride the success train quick to say how much they “helped” on my awesome and inspiring journey that they themselves had a lead role in. 

Every time I am with people and I feel like I should be enjoying myself I have this faint feeling in my mind that I just shouldn’t be enjoying myself. I didn’t do anything great or amazing.  didn't earn the right to smile. I get s upset with myself because I know I'm right. Never once in my life have i ever been able to do anything really. Bu a large part of me loves being around people and interacting. I know I always get drained but it's like an addictive feeling I get when I'm around others who seem happy to just be in the moment. I want to be in the moment. I want to make the moment.

I want my moment.

[fender-bend-me-over]

So I'm excited guys.

My first radio show is officially tomorrow. I’m super-hyped. I'm going to be talking about cartoons, animation, and music. For my first segment, I'm going to be talking about the music and animation for League of Legends (LoL). Now I don't play league but I wish I did after their most recent promo video.

I would love to write all of my good praise and research again about how much I loved the video and characters but I won't. So have a pre-written summary of my praise that you can hear about in my radio show.

It tomorrow every Tuesday from 10 to 11am EST and the link to listen in to us is hawkradio.primostream.com

Now for the summary:

That was Sleeping giants or giants by league of legends new hip hop group true damage. The group starring Keke palmer, Becky g, SOYEON, DUCKWRTH, and Thutmose debuted their song on LoL world championship a few months ago November 10, 2019. The song and music video was released to promote their new skins for some of their playable characters, Qiyana, Akali, Ekko, Yasuo, and Senna. You still have to pay for the skins but the music and video make it worth it.

The video itself is mostly 2d animated with things like backgrounds and environments 3d animated. Some pro artists point out that what makes the animation so unique is that the characters themselves seem to be animated in two frames per second while the background and their environment are animated 1 frame per second. There is a lot of cool things happening in the video that are distinctively separating itself from its older promo video pop star by kda. 

One of my favorite parts in the video is DUCKWRTH’s part which is the third rap. Not only does it sound cool but the animation for it looks absolutely beautiful. What that part of the video showed was basically how his character’s powers work changing shape and going in different parts. Animators point out that this particular scene was most likely animated frame by frame which is not only impressive but very difficult to do and make look smooth. 

The live concert was just as amazing using what seems to be holograms but is later announced as an old trick called pepper’s ghost to include more graphics, stage effects and even including the characters up on stage.

(^^best part^^)

#tumblr #like #love #follow #tumblrpost #gif #cartoon #animation #true damage #league of legends #LoL #sleeping giants #giants

[fender-bend-me-over]

So I wrote a short essay for one of my classes. Basically, I had to take about how tv shows impacted me or some random crap along those lines so here I’m giving it to you to look it at.

I don’t remember any tv shows from when I was a kid. I mostly just watched cartoons. The only kind of "real" tv I watched is whatever I could sneak in past 8:00 on Nick-i-nite or adult swim. I remember staying up late sometimes and just falling to sleep with Full House. I don’t know how the show was but it did make great white noise. I remember that cartoons specifically made a very large impact on who I am today. When I was a kid we couldn’t afford tv, we were just barely making it out of the projects. I remember we had to go to the library to get any sort of entertainment. Whether for books or movies we always went to the library at the end of the week or so. I never really noticed as a kid but a lot of the movies and shows they had were very outdated. So a lot of the cartoons they had were from when my mom was a kid and sometimes even older. From classics like Animaniacs to the black and white Mickey Mouse I've nearly seen it all. For my mom, it may have been a blessing to find something to grab the attention of a child. I'd sit for hours watching the same cartoons over and over again. My favorite being blues clues, sesame street, and freakazoid. They were my favorites up until I was nearly 13. I went to go live with my grandfather for a bit and he had cable. Not only that but he had hundreds of channels. One day while I was channel surfing I came across a channel that played cartoons that were similar to the ones I watched as a kid called boomerang. All the cartoons on the channel were great but I didn't take to any of them like I took to the Powerpuff girls. It was honestly the best show in the world, nothing else mattered. Every day at seven the tv would strictly be mine so I could get my fill of the Powerpuff girls. During that time I realized how much I loved the feeling of sitting down, getting comfy and watching cartoons for hours. It made me feel amazing like I could be a kid forever. Once I realized people came together to bring to life my favorite shows I started to wonder who were the people who made the cartoons I loved to much.  I started to believe I could do the same. I mean I already was drawing but I never thought I could use it to create something more than a picture on the fridge. After I came back home I made it my life long goal. I would one day make people feel the way I felt when I watched cartoons. I want to make people happy with a theme song or characters. I want people to remember my cartoons as I did and I want them to say I remember how good that was when I was a kid. That’s my life long dream and all because of the old cartoons the library had. The feeling of watching them has stuck with me even now. It wasn’t just the cartoons or the story, not even the animation, it was always the feeling that I’ve felt all these years. My feelings have never changed and when a good cartoon comes out I always feel my passion burn. Watching cartoons just reminds me that it’s going to be me one day having my shows played on the tv for everyone to see and enjoy.

(^^me when i watch cartoons^^)

#tumblr #like #love #follow #tumblrpost #gif #cartoon

[fender-bend-me-over]

The Sunshine Show

In my radio class for our assignments, we have to come in on a specific date and do our very own radio show. On the very first day, I was already in a group and by our second day which was today, we already had a name and plans for next week's show. It’s so cool cause I've always seen like podcasts and heard radio shows but I've never participated in anything involving either. Honestly, I hit the lottery with the people in my group. They are so nice and chill and they could have been so much worse than what I was thinking in my head. This is going to be so much fun and I think I'm doing better integrating myself within the school.

I even joined the Broadcasting Club. I’m obviously still a bit nervous about the people in the club but there were three people I knew in there from another class and they (the club) had free pizza so I’m going to warm up pretty good. ow that I’m in this club my Tuesdays are completely full. who would have thought that would be my busiest day? I’m just thankful my busiest day isn’t Monday.

To end it all I was put in a group chat for both the sunshine show and the broadcasting club.

ps

If anyone out there is reading these you can come and listen to my radio show here every Tuesday from 10 am to 11 am EST and when we start our youtube I’ll link that too.

[fender-bend-me-over]

Ok

Soooo...

When I started my first semester I was taking all core classes and one certificate class. So I was taking English, math, public speaking, and a computer class. As you probably already know or if you hadn’t seen my previous post I failed all of them.

So now I’m in my second semester and I'm pretty sure I have an academic warning. So now I'm am taking classes that I think will be much better.

I'm in intro to film + intro to broadcasting, broadcast news, and radio production. The classes are really fun and I really think I can do it this time. The classes are fairly simple and I hardly feel overwhelmed. But that isn't the only reason why I'm so excited. All the stuff they have available to me is truly amazing.

First off there is a film festival that is in a few months and I plan to enter it. I know, I know, this is really ambitious for me. I mean I've never thought about making IRL movies and film making. I'm more into making cartoons and telling stories with over-exaggerated characters. But this is real life it's almost a fun challenge trying to find other ways to portray a story with just actors. I love it.

In my radio class, we have the option to start our own radio show and i can’t comprehend how cool that sounds. Of course, I'm already in a group with some pretty nice people in my class but we are also given the opportunity to start our own radio show either by ourselves or friends outside of class.

The classes themselves are really fun and for the first time in a while, I'm only overwhelmed by the people in the class. It's like I'm not sure if I should be enjoying myself because I was given such privilege when I go to school. Enjoy a class HA what bullshit is this. When i went to my classes i loved it. Not only were the people nice the teachers were absolutely crazy. The energy everyone was radiating was amazing. 

I couldn't help feel out f place because everyone is so passionate about what they want to do. Not that I’m not passionate it’s just I've never been in a class where I was supposed to completely enjoy it. I'm absolutely living my best life right now.

[fender-bend-me-over]

I’m Back

And I'm better than ever. I'm starting my second semester of college and so far

It’s Shit.

Imma tells y’all a secret. I completely fucking failed my first semester. I knew this would happen. I absolutely knew this would happen but here we are still shocked. Just think of that one Pikachu meme and make it times -10 cause I knew damn well this wasn’t going to be great. I tried, I really did but when it comes down to it doing the whole school thing just never worked, for me at least.

^^(me when I failed my fucking classes)^^

Basically, I failed all my classes and my financial aid watched me slip up. It's honestly funny how I saw it coming yet I still let this KO me in the face. That's beside the point though. If I've learned anything from life (and from what I've already said you must think it was nothing) is to just keep moving forward because you can’t change what already happened. All you can do is try your best right now. So that's what I’m doing.

I'm starting my new semester with a positive outlook. I picked out my own schedule this time. No interference from mom. I did my classes this week and they are really fun. I’m honestly really excited. I’m filled with this feeling of maybe I can actually do this. It feels good to be sure of yourself, which let me tell you is probably the closest I've ever been to a sure thought. Like all the doubts in my mind weren’t showing up. My brain couldn’t think up any reason that anything I was doing was a bad idea.

I’ll tell you about my classes another time but man are they something. So much personality and entertainment in each of them. I actually feel engaged to listen and pay attention to what these “professors” (I'll never get used to calling a teacher this) have to say. I feel happy to be there ya know. When I was in my classes during my first semester I couldn’t help having this deep-seated feeling in me that was basically screaming I was making a big mistake. Which made no sense cause they were just core classes. But I do know why I thought it was such a mistake looking back now.

As I described previously or at least very subtly mentioned, I am not a very decisive person. Decisions are my least favorite thing to make and it always comes down to me thinking I’m making the wrong decision and how it’ll affect me in the future. So when it came to picking out my classes for the first semester I was completely overwhelmed. I, of course, asked for the help of my mom which in hindsight was a bad idea no matter what angle you’re looking at. She recommended I take all the core classes I needed now which would be a good idea if you weren’t me.

Just to clarify we were picking these classes a week after I graduated and let me tell ya I just barely made it to graduation with a 2.0 GPA. I know not great but I’m not in high school anymore so you can’t judge my current self based on that (judge me on my college GPA instead, which is no better but still its a more accurate scale to judge me on). So when we were picking out my classes I just thought to myself because I am sure as fuck was not going to tell my mom who would have lost her shit at me that these are basically the same kind of classes that I bombed in highschool. Who says I’ll do any better. Like for real. Don’t get me wrong I did bring up how it would have been nice to do something different than go back to doing what I was doing in highschool, which has proven to just not work.

But yeah I did that and failed so now I’m taking the classes I want to take.

 Wish me luck.

#life #coming of age #new semester #second semester #failure #failed #doing better #college #college life

[fender-bend-me-over]

New creatable world dolls from Mattel 

DC-220 DC-619 DC-073 DC-725 DC-414 DC-826

Walmart has them listed for $39.97, but on Mattel Shop they’re $29.99

Creatable World inspires all kids to get creative with doll play – Deluxe Character Kits provide a blank canvas along with the pieces to create unique characters, over and over again! The 11-inch (29.94-cm) doll wears a tank and shorts, has a short haircut and comes with six items of clothing, three pairs of shoes, two additional accessories and a long-haired wig – all versatile pieces that give kids the freedom to make their characters whoever they want them to be. Dress the doll one way for one character, then switch it up for someone completely different! The clothing is straight off the playground, and authentic details keep it even more real. The wig is easy to take on and off – kids can switch long hair for short hair, then back again. Add a skirt, pants or use both. Accessorize…or don’t. Creatable World doll kits give all kids the ability to make and remake characters they love. With so many choices, the fun is never-ending! Collect other doll kits for even more options and creative possibilities (each sold separately, subject to availability). 

[fender-bend-me-over]

I woke up at one and the first thing I thought was why am I so thirsty. The second thing I thought after I drank half a bottle of apple juice is why am I so sad. Then I went back to sleep on the kitchen floor.

[fender-bend-me-over]

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.

“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.

“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”

[fender-bend-me-over]

So I remember this one time in middle school I needed to go to change my pad. So I asked her to use the bathroom and she said yes. I get up and bring my backpack with me. Of course she asks me why I have my backpack with me and because this was my first period I didn’t know how to handle all the emotions and hormones I was going through so just snapped and said

“I’m bleeding through my vagina Samantha”

[fender-bend-me-over]

Part 3

I've decided to take the matter into my own hands and escape. I have decided to just leave. I first had this thought on Monday. I keep having to remind myself that I'm 18 now and I can make these decisions now. I looked into shelters and made an escape plan. And then I realized my plan had way to many whole for me to be comfortable with.for one thing I knew that the shelters were just a temporary fix. I still need and needed to get a job. To get a job I need an id and a bank account. And most importantly I couldn’t do any of that without leaving my home first. This is honestly going to be the most terrifying thing I do. I’m going to be leaving my family. My life. I’m leaving it all behind. Thankfully I don’t have that much to pack away since my mom made me throw away all of my clothes. It fine. The only thing I own is a backpack full of school supplies and this here laptop I’m typing on.

I'm just ready to start making my own decisions in life. Hopefully in two weeks or a month I'll be gone.

I know no one reads these but if you have questions go ahead ask. Until have a good day. And sorry for all the fuck ups.

Part 1

Part 2

#life #struggle #struggling #my great escape

[fender-bend-me-over]

Part 2

I started to lose the little hope I had. This situation happens to everyone apparently which means for the police this isn’t a big deal. I'm just another overreacting teen runaway from causing their parent unnecessary “grief”. As if I asked for any of this. I never asked to be alive. I never asked to feel I like this. I didn’t just kick myself out. I didn’t want this. This life. I didn’t ask to exist. He said it as if it was my fault. As if this is the place I wanted to be and I was just being ungrateful. I never asked to feel like I’m suffocating 24/7. I can barely breathe. And it hurts all the time. I'm only allowed to be in a good mood if she is in a good mood. I’m allowed the privilege of getting slightly upset if she allows it. I get so frustrated that I can hardly see straight. I have no  say, no control over anything in my life. And that's normal? Apparently to mister donut wee woo wagon man it is. Feeling like I’m drowning in air isn't necessary. I caused all this. It's all my fault. And that just makes me more frustrated because I didn't have any say in that. I never did anything. I just sat here waiting to be assigned an emotion. The few times I want to genuinely emote are the time its bad. The time where I wasn't allowed to be OK. The time when I wasn’t doing fine and dandy were for dumb reason. Or I wasn't old enough to be allowed to feel successful adult feeling. Like I had any control over that. 

I'm getting a bit off track a little stressed. But let me continue back on track.

So I have been thinking for a while and escape plan. I've been thinking about what I would do after I reached my 18th birthday. I've been planning for years. Counting down the months and days ever since I was 15. Back then I just wanted to get emancipated but my mom berated me out of it. Said it was stupid. That wouldn’t make it out on my own. That it was a dumb idea and I should be grateful she decided to keep. You know h whole speel. The whole “I brought you in I can take you out” speech. I don’t know what it is but she always has to have something above me that I want but can never have. Reason I should stay maybe. I keep giving her these excuses like i’m here first born child, she's just struggling to let go. Or maybe it really is my fault. But I refuse to accept that. I'm tired of having everything put in front of me and never be given the right to have. Like i'm never good enough.

Part 1

Part 3

#life #struggling #im trying #so hard

[fender-bend-me-over]

Part 1

So things have been difficult. I have started my brand life of adulthood. I never expected anything great or amazing to happen. I didn't think I would be able to just go buy and eat all the ice cream I want. I never thought I could just do whatever I want, go wherever I want, I never expected anything. I never even leave the house for fun. I prefer the quiet life in society. Not really leaving a mark as an everyday citizen. For me at least, I don't want the world to remember as an everyday citizen. As the good little samaritan that looks both ways before crossing the street. the happy little tree that picks up peoples’ wallet that one time and return it to the owner. I don't want to be remembered for that. No. never. I never expected anything further than that. Though I have done those things that is given to everyday life. I was hoping though when I reached adulthood I would be ready and prepared to head out to learn the important skills to be a successful adult. I was supposed to get an ID, open a bank account, find a job. Unfortunately due to my situation at home I am not blessed with such privilege. I am not allowed a job. I am not allowed an ID. I’m not allowed a job. nothing. I didn't even want to go straight to college. I wanted to take a gap year, take time to figure myself out. Incorporate myself within society as an average adult. My basic right has been stripped away from me and dangled above my head. I’ve waited for my whole life for all of this. To finally be seen as an adult. I’m not allowed.

People are quick to tell me how lucky I am to have “financial stability”, a place to live and food to eat. Don’t get me wrong I do feel blessed and I know that my situation could get worse. It's just that I've dealt with this my whole life. My lack of independence scares me. My worst fear is that I would have to rely on other people my whole life. I've been blocked from learning what I need to for the future. I am in constant fear because of the arguments have with my mom. At any moment she just tell me to leave. I mean she has. I tried to make it on my own then but I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know where to go. The first time I just went to a friends house. She found me. The second time I tried to get help from a police passing by so he could take me to a shelter. My mom had called the cops to find me so he took me home and told me that my kind of situation happens to everyone.

Part 2

Part 3

#life #struggle #im trying

[fender-bend-me-over]

What Would You For A Klondike Bar

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punch a full grown baby

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[fender-bend-me-over]

i can’t spell tommorow without auto-correct. My laptop doesn’t have a proper spell checker. so im fucked either way.

See you tommorroww.

#seriously help #i can't fucking spell #its been like this for years #i rely soley on technology to live and it scares me #they can take life from me #the robutts #they come for me #my life is their robooty hands

[fender-bend-me-over]

i wouldn’t say school is hard, but getting there is a hassle. I’m not allowed to drive so my only option is taking the bus. Yesterday when i was getting my baby sister from school i realized that i take the bus six times a day.