fateworksineffedupways-blog
this is my kryptonite. use it wisely.
my heart's like an open book, for the whole world to read.
sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams.
i'm on my way.
i'm on my way.
home sweet home.
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i fucking love this girl.
goddammit.
its been a while since i posted. this blog was used as a journal. to get rid of anxieties. to get all my thoughts, put it on the figurative paper so i can sort it out. lately ive been super stressed so i thought i’d come back to this and work through some thoughts.
i find myself logging onto this blog, reading old posts and reminiscing about how easy i used to have it.
im on the verge of graduating. i started this blog just before i started university. this is nuts. look at me now. actually dont. dont. dont you dare.
im a worthless turd. like not even the turd you shit into a toilet. im the dogshit that gets stuck onto somebody’s shoe and wiped against the curb.
...im also that guy that stepped in dogshit.
man, what i’d do to just go back and redo some things. but yeah, i get it. time travel is impossible. you have to live with the mistakes and learn from them. but my god...i miss being such an adorable pathetic doucheturd that blogged about every little conversation about the girl that he liked.
now im just a fat, pathetic doucheturd with little to no reason to live.
actually no, i have a lot of reason to live. i just want to be done with all this.
daniela and i are friends. the bestest of friends. i know she’ll never love me like i love her. and yeah, that lowkey breaks my fucking heart and makes me feel like shit.
but my god, i fucking love this girl.
maybe because we’re so goddamn alike. but like, its 500 days of summer.
just because some girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, doesn’t make her your soul mate.
she says “you’re me” to me a lot. and it makes sense. im basically an uglier, fatter, asian male version of her. we like the same things. we have the same ideas.
she admitted to me that life would be a lot easier for her if she liked me back. and yeah, thats totally true. life would be a lot easier for me too. but she doesn’t and never will.
i always attribute it to me not being white. i feel like all the girls that i’d love to date, im just not their type. i always think that maybe if i was white, they’d like me. but like...im not even fully asian. im half. so, like...i dont know.
i also attribute it to my steady decline in physical attractiveness. i have REALLY let myself go. like, i was super scrawny before university. then university came and i started going to the gym on a weekly basis. then second year came and i didnt go the gym as much and went to taco bell more. then third year came and i went to the gym maybe once a month. then fourth year came and here i am, with a fupa, chubby ass cheeks that remind me of my fifth grade pictures and self-confidence as low as lil jon and the east side boyz.
that was a get low reference. but i realize that they probably get high a lot. so that might be interpreted that my self-confidence must be high as fuck. but it isn’t. not anymore.
honestly, i cant wait till i graduate. once i do, im going to make some serious changes to my lifestyle. the only thing holding me back is all this schoolwork that im doing. once im out of school, you can bet your ass that i’d be going for runs, getting a job and going to the gym. might not be a full-time job, or a job that uses my degree, but it will be a job nonetheless. and i will use that mun muns to go to the gym or invest in a treadmill since the one i bought 2 years ago broke.
im tired of looking like shit. but im also too tired to work out. so im basically just waiting to get out of energy-draining environment of school and get back out to the world of physical activity.
maybe then she’ll like me (probably not)
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it’s crazy how your feelings for someone can just change within an hour
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“it’s because we’re friends”
i told misty.
again.
deja fucking vu, am i right?
so for the past few days i wasn’t making her priority. i was unresponsive to her texts and very passive when i did respond. when i did this to lisa, it took her a week or two to realize.
it took daniela 2 days.
last night reached a boiling point.
she confronted me. i told her i was going through some shit. she understood but we kept talking. she realized that something was obviously bothering me and wanted me to rant to her.
let me give you guys some backstory. (assuming there are people that still read this)
last summer after coming to terms with moving on after cathy, i warned daniela. i told her that my mind has this bullshit thing when im trying to get over a girl, it latches onto the girls around me to pass the time.
jokingly, she said “latch onto me”
i said “pls no”
“ya jk you’re right we’re better as friends anyway”
that was kinda haunting...but anyways
fastforward to last night. im sitting in my basement, much like i was about 5 years ago on september 16th. talking to one of my friends about what the fuck i should do. and weirdly enough, the friend i was talking to, suggests that i call her. similar to how it played out 5 years ago. i was like fuck no im not doing that again. BUT ANYWAYS. she’s awaiting my rant. i tell her everything that’s going on, from family to school shit. and then she gives her support on those things. and then i tell her that im not done
so i asked her
“daniela do you remember like last summer when i told u after my whole shit with cathy that my mind tends to latch onto girls to pass the time”
“yes”
i was too chickenshit to tell her the truth. at that point i was so fucking frustrated that i was about to do this. i didn’t want to lose her again. but at the same time, if i kept it away, it would have fucked me up even more. so about an hour later i was like
fuck it idc.
“it latched onto you. please don’t make a big deal out of it”
“aw justin. it’s because we are friends”
“yeah but i hate feeling like this”
“so what is it”
“...what”
“do you like me or something”
“lol yeah. at least i think so. idfk”
“justin. it’s because i’m your friend”
“I DONT LIKE THIS. I DONT WANT TO”
“and you dont”
“like WHY LMAO THIS IS SUCH BULL”
“would you like jacob or alex”
“i love them both”
“but romantically. in all seriousness”
“nah”
“i am one of them”
“see, i get what you’re saying, but my mind’s stupid. like you have no idea how pissed i am that this is happening right now.”
“you’re a silly goose”
“THE SILLIEST”
“you’ll get over it once you find your girl”
“or when you get a boy. why do you think im so deadset on helping you?”
then she told me about the fact that she’s seeing this boy. cool guy. mad respect for him. loves star wars.
but anyways, after talking for a bit i told her that i don’t wanna talk to her until i get everything sorted out.
so technically i did lose her. again.
but on my terms.
i mean, nothing’s really stopping me from talking to her right now.
but i need to get over this girl. i fucking love her so much but like honestly, it’s not healthy. she’s one of the many girls i will never have.
the next few weeks are gonna be tough. but i really need to get over her.
she tells me all the time that i dont need a girl to be happy.
but like, idk. ive been alone nearly my whole life. and ive been the happiest when i was with someone. and i loved myself when i was with someone. i dont know any other way to live.
but i guess that’s what the next few weeks are for.
gonna try out this “self-love” shit.
i’ll see what all the fuss is about.
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help pls
to whomever’s listening/reading this, i need your help...deciphering stuff.
i read way too much into things so i really need advice with this.
so i’m sorta salty about this one girl, but over the past couple of months ive been getting closer and closer with my girl best friend, misty. misty’s a sweetheart, she’s super cute and i’m fairly certain that i am madly in love with her. of course, it could just be me fresh off the figurative salty boat of the other girl...but idk.
anyways, misty and i were friends in high school. i liked her then. 4/5 years ago on september 16, 2011...i told her. things got really awkward; the whole situation sorta just blew up in my face. 2 months later we became friends again but i was never really over her. that 2 month period was absolute hell. anyway we grew closer in our senior year. we took night school together and i gave her rides to and from school. when plans to ask the girl i was salty about to prom way back when went sideways, i was planning on asking misty...only to watch her gay best friend prompose to her one unfortunate afternoon in the middle of class while i was sitting right next to her. prom hit, then 2 weeks later i found out she was in a relationship. at that point i knew i had to get over her. so i focused all my attention to the salty-girl.
so uh...fastforward to now. misty has been single for like...a year or something...i think. we’ve never been closer. we constantly reference the times back in high school when i liked her. sometimes when i bring it up she responds in a relatively awkward fashion. she frequently tells me about guys she talks to while i frequently tell her about girls i talk to and salty-girl. she constantly gives me advice and the ol’ “keep your chin up, pal” “plenty of fish in the sea” speech (or at least a variation of it). there are numerous times when i feel like we could be more than just friends. like par exemple:
-she is currently out with a guy she doesn’t like and she’s certain that he doesn’t like her. that “they’re friends” but “he’s sorta cute.” she also states that it’s complicated and that she told her mom she was going out tonight with me...even though it’s not me. (in hindsight, this probably has nothing to do with me other than this bit of information)
-friends constantly ship us. it’s usually my friends that do the shipping. but she has told me of one occasion when she told me that her friend said that me and her should date. pretty sure she just wanted to get a reaction from me, to which i boldly responded “HAHAHA NO. WE WOULD NEVER WORK OUT”
-she seems really hurt when i joke about shit like me not being her friend, moving far away and whatnot...but honestly, that’s just me being a dick. so like of course she’d be hurt by that. that shit’s just rude. what the hell, man. what’s wrong with me
-when we’re on campus, we generally try to meet up when we’re free. usually she just wants me to accompany her to get coffee or subway...other times she wants me to help her study and a lot of times it’s me being like “yo u at skool? wanna meet up?”
-she constantly comes to me to seek reassurance for looks and stuff...that could just be her fishing for compliments and knowing that i’d compliment considering what’s happened in the past
-she tells me story about how she got fucked up at a bar, made 2 nerdy guys to dance with her and described their compliments towards her. they described her as sexy and hot yet she says she was just wearing flannel and boots and asking how it was possible for them to think that. then i tell her that flannel is my weakness, how it’s literally my kryptonite. so she responds with a selfie of her wearing flannel with the caption: “FLANNEL” to which i respond “goddammit i hate u.”
but then i remind myself of how well things went when i told her the first time. i mean, in hindsight...i guess it didnt turn out that bad considering we’re like best friends now but who knows what telling her again would do. i mean, reading this over just makes me think there’s no way she has feelings for me now. like honestly. there’s absolutely no fucking way she developed feelings for me.
my other friend has been telling me to tell her how i feel, but im scared that it’d destroy everything they we’ve built. even if she doesn’t like me (which is 99.99% the case), should i still tell her? this feeling’s literally eating me from the inside. i’m back where i was 5 years ago, except it’s going to hit harder this time around. what should i do?
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so cathy has a boyfriend.
i don’t really know how to feel right now. i’m feeling, that’s for sure. it’s just - it’s processing at the moment. am i disappointed? hell yes. angry? not at her, but yes. sad? of course.
i mean, good for her. not that i doubted she’d find someone. totally saw this coming but didn’t expect myself to find out about it. i feel like shit though. had an allergic reaction to a salad i ate last week. lips are swollen, chin is itchy af. ears burning, itchy and chipping bc they’re dry af. and in the midst of all this pain and feeling like shit, here i am: finding out about this shit to really spartan kick me into a hole.
i’m disappointed because you know, like, it’s a girl that i liked. and she’s with someone else. of course i’m disappointed. angry, sure. but i’m not angry at her. i’m disappointed and angry at myself. i spent the past 3 or 4 years obsessing over the same goddamn girl. blaming myself, making myself feel like absolute shit. now i look like absolute shit and i got the feeling to match the appearance. fuck yeah. im sad, for obvious reasons. so much time was wasted. every time i went to the gym. every time i was running down the track. do you know how i envisioned to be at the end of the track to push me to keep going? her. STUPID AND PATHETIC I KNOW, BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR FAULTS DON’T WE? I FEEL LIKE A GODDAMN FOOL. A STUPID CREEP THAT WAS INSIGNIFICANT TO HER, AND MY WHOLE MINDSET WAS SET ON HER AND NOW THAT IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING. im glad that she’s with someone. it’s just, for fucks sakes. where was my closure huh? she doesn’t owe me closure, but don’t i deserve it? or am i just too shitty of a person to receive that. fuck me, man. fuck.
i’m gonna spiral though. i can feel it coming. i’m gonna spiral during a time when i can’t afford to spiral downwards into a heaping pile of insanity and shittiness. i don’t want to though. daniela said that this would help me move on, and sure i guess it will. i just wish things turned out differently. i need to channel this sadness and anger and frustration at the gym. i used to do that right? i used to channel that anger and that stress and anxiety. im gonna hit the gym this week and im gonna give it all. im fucking tired of looking in the mirror and being like hey justin remember way back when when you looked in the mirror and was like goddamn you did it. i need to do that again. not for anyone but for me. i owe it to myself.
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taking a break from skool to write stuff bc spotify playlist makin me think
superpowers.
superpowers are bullshit.
the concept of comic books and superheroes and all that is just complete bullshit.
spider-man’s supposed to be a relatable character right? There’s an aspect of him that we might see in ourselves. But what happens when we analyze him just a tad bit further. Actually let’s not. Instead let’s focus on how he got the girl of his dreams, mary jane watson. parker gets superpowers, saves mj and next thing you know, they’re bumpin uglies.
mary jane didn’t fall in love with peter parker. she fell in love with spider-man, and then fell in love with peter parker.
now what am i to do with this? go into the dusty corners of my basement, find a spider’s nest and let em all bite me until i get superpowers? because if there’s anything i’ve learned from comic books is that superpowers or loads of money get you the girl.
i mean gwen stacy fell in love with parker first, and then found out he was spideymans and loved him even more.
how do you do that in real life if you don’t look like andrew garfield? or if you’re the type of person that your person of thy dreams does not prefer?
what happens if you don’t like all the people that like you, and all the people you like never like you?
what about the broke, no superpowered, anxious, shy, self conscious individual that looks the exact opposite of aaron taylor johnson? how does he get the girl?
honestly, if i ever break into the film industry and have the chance to make a movie...
i’m making a movie about that guy.
y’know, about me.
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i really let myself go.
i stopped caring about my appearance, my social life.
i barely even try anymore.
i look like shit
i feel like shit
what happened to me?
it'd be a lie if i said i'm stronger than i was 2 years ago.
physically...maybe.
but mentally or emotionally? fuck no.
i'm a goddamn train wreck.
compulsive eating and insomnia.
couldn't be more proud of myself right now.
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phone.
it's pathetic.
every sunday after the walking dead i have this fantasy or this...great desire.. to get a text from cathy
like what the fuck.
i deleted her number. i told her to stop talking to me and that i'll stop talking to her.
why in the blue fuck would she keep my number for?
she has no reason to keep my number. and thus, she would delete it.
unless she likes m-FUCKING SHUT UP
she doesn't like me. never did. never will.
just because she called me that one time does not mean she wanted to say something.
because if she did, SHE WOULD HAVE.
SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ME. I AM INSIGNIFICANT.
why the fuck can i not get closure?
it's like every time i try to get closure, it gets out of hand and i end up with more questions. like what the fuck is this bullshit.
like that phone call probably wasn't even a proper phone call. IT WAS PROBABLY A FUCKING BUTT DIAL
WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT
IT MEANS NOTHING. THERE'S 7 BILLION PEOPLE GIVE OR TAKE IN THIS WORLD AND SHE IS JUST ONE GIRL.
ONE GIRL OUT OF HYPOTHETICALLY MILLIONS WITH THE SAME INTERESTS AS HER, MEANING, THE SAME INTERESTS AS YOU, AND PROBABLY A DOZEN THAT ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.
why can't i accept that. it's driving me to the brink of fucking insanity.
YES. IT IS TRUE, I AM CRAZY FOR THIS GIRL.
BUT IT IS ALSO TRUE THAT I'M CRAZY BECAUSE OF THIS GIRL.
BUT IT'S NOT HER FAULT, IT'S ME. IT'S ALWAYS ME.
I'M SO DELUSIONAL BECAUSE EVERYTIME I MEET A SUPER CUTE GIRL WHO HAPPENS TO LIKE VIDEOGAMES AND COMIC BOOKS AND THE TV SHOWS I WATCH, I BECOME SO OBSESSED WITH THEM
it's fucking bullshit
what did chloe grace moretz say in 500 days of summer??
just become some girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, does not make her your soul mate
or something like that.
but anyways, it's true.
fuck this.
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in all honesty, i only watched the walking dead because of her...to talk to her...to discuss shit..and...now since we don't talk anymore
is there really any point in me watching? bc i feel like total shit right now. waiting for that text that will never come.
if only i could go back.
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september 24 2014.
it's like i'm back in high school again.
no matter how hard i try to get away, i get reeled back into the bullshit.
i'm in 2nd year university, yet i see the same 15 people 3 hours everyday for 3 days straight and probably will for the next 3 years. not exactly high school...but you get the idea. my program is insanely small.
and to add on to that, misty returns and it's like cathy never existed.
but yet i am well aware she existed and i would kinda like to go think about her ghost instead of drooling over misty again and becoming her slave.
like i don't blame her, i blame myself. i blame my mind, mostly. it's such a dumb fuck. i'm well aware i have a lot of feelings and that's the part i hate most about myself. i hate having all these feelings bc i care too much and caring is stupid when when the other person doesn't give a shit about you. or they DO care about you, but they'll never care as much as you do about them and you care too much to the point where you overwhelm and smother them with care.
yeah.
it's stupid.
anyways, i'd like to go back and dream about cathy because at least when i think about her, i'm harming no one but myself. with liking misty, every thing she does makes me feel something. and i fucking hate it so fucking much because i know most of the things she does has nothing to do with me, yet my mind always goes BRO SHE KNOWS. SHE'S SUPER MAD AT YOU. YOU BETTER START APOLOGIZING AND ACTING SUPER NICE AND SMOTHER HER WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. like fuck off bro i do enough of that already. and in doing so, if this keeps going on and on....september 16th is gonna happen again.
and i've said it before, but i'll say it again.
NEVER. AGAIN.
which means i need to do something about this. but what the fuck do i do without having some sort of confrontation?
and plus I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO LIKE HOLY SHIT SHUT UP MIND
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well fuckadoodledoo.
misty's back in my life. she's like boomeranging all over my life. first i like her, then shit happens, i stop talking to her, she comes back. we become best friends.
then senior year of high school, we become even closer friends, she gets a boyfriend, we graduate, i move on, don't end up seeing her for a year except for one time when i wanted my stuff back.
then here i am, second year university. she transfers here. then a whole bunch of feelings return to my mind and i just want them to stop.
it's a load of bullshit. like, i still have this cathy shit going on in my head still and it's just adding on to the frustration.
i seriously dont know why i still like cathy. i blame myself but i can't stop thinking about the alternative conclusion that could've arisen if she hadn't texted back when i told her not to, or the fact that she "butt dialed" me in the midst of all the shit going on. why did she have to be so damn nice..
and then there i am in second year uni, no apparent girl friends besides misty...
it's not like i haven't been trying..i have, it's just...i'm so damn awkward. when a cute girl, or rather, anyone talks to me i always mumble and stutter and slur my sentences into a whole bunch of shit that no one understands
and that shit gives me anxiety and it keeps me up at night.
thats why i write these posts.
i dont tell anyone anything anymore because honestly, i bug them. i feel like i annoy the shit out of em bc it's just...annoying. like they don't care, why waste all that energy typing and talking to people if they just dont give a shit. so essentially i hold everything in...which is bad, but this blog is my release.
i mean sure, i'm in a pretty cool program and all but i just hate myself right now.
a lot.
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she said to stop liking her because she's a bitch.
but i never gave up.
she said to never give up.
but i did.
she said she actually liked talking to me.
so i stopped talking to her.
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june 7th, 2014.
shit happened. the beginning of the end, basically.
before the 7th, when it was her birthday... i said happy birthday to her...and although it felt nice wishing her a happy birthday...it didn't feel....
good.
and so, like the lame fuck that i am i questioned why that is. and so i acted on it.
june 7th, 2014.
i said sorry. for everything that happened in the past year. i told her the truth. about my guilt, my embarrassment, and my sincerest apologies.
i told her that i won't bother her anymore: no texting her about the walking dead or videogames, no more saying hi to her at her work, and deleting her number off of my phone.
i also told her not to reply, because "anything [she] can possibly say" won't make me feel any better...
but she did reply.
"i know you told me not to reply, but i just wanted to say that i actually had fun talking to you about twd and videogames (: take it easy."
i replied a couple of days later saying that if she ever wants to talk about videogames or twd, i'll be here...but i won't ever be starting a conversation again...but obviously said in a more nicer way.
no response.
fast forward a week later to the 14th of june.
i was at my cousin's house celebrating her daughter's 4th birthday.
there i was, accepting the loss of an awesome friend who is the coolest girl i've ever known.
then, my phone rings. a familiar number...and it looked like hers.
i picked up, scurried to the other room and started listening.
i called out if anyone was there...no response.
kept saying hello...no response.
all i heard was a 20 second silence...followed by faint beeping noises.
i texted the number, asking who it was.
no response. and, like the last text, delivered. but not read. seeing is as we both have iphones.
me, wondering if cathy actually literally just called me...started panicking. got home that night, turned on my old phone and checked the numbers; it was her.
she called me.
well actually...more of a butt dial i think.
she was probably at work since it was saturday at 6pm...and she usually works then.
i started talking to my friends and trying to make sense of this situation.
one of my friends said that this was bullshit and there was no possible way it was a butt dial since i would have been under her recently contacted or still one of her contacts if she were to butt dial me.
well i did text her a week prior to that, if that counts as recent. and maybe she's just too lazy to delete me off her phone.
...or maybe she just doesn't want to delete me off her phone.
i'm convinced it was a butt dial.
...but what if it wasn't?
i mean...she doesn't respond to any of my texts so i take it that she doesn't wanna speak to me.
but she doesn't own up to butt dialing me.
the butt dial is proof that i'm still on her phone....but why?
when i answered...and i've been butt dialed many times before.
i always hear the rummaging or the muffled noises of the phone being in a pocket or purse...but with that call...it was just dead silent
maybe she wasn't moving
maybe she was standing in one place.
but idk...i'm blowing this out of proportion...like i usually do....but..it sounded clear. no muffle..no rummaging noises. like she was either listening, or had her phone out on a table or something.
but why at work? y'know? that's why i'm convinced this was a butt dial.
my other friend called her a bitch for not responding
but tbh, i don't blame her.
from her perspective it seems as if i just can't let go....which is true
like...me saying that i won't text her again, but then i unknowingly keep texting her smh
here i am trying to move on,
but some shit always happens that pulls me back in. and i hate it.
same shit happened after september 16th, 2011. and it was all solved with space. this distant thing...maybe it's for completely different reasons, but it's damn well clear that she doesn't want me to talk to her.
if she wants space, she got it. bc that seems like the best option. and if she comes back, well...right on. and if she doesn't, it's for the best.
but i hate this yo-yo...it's like emotional whiplash.
which makes me wonder if she's feeling the same thing.
probably not...but i wonder if i had some impact on her..
and if i did..i'm so fucking sorry.
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hey.
just because she's gone doesn't mean i have to forget her.
i've been trying all this time to forget her and just disregard everything about her existence.
but y'know what?
without her, i wouldn't be me. i wouldn't have discovered things about myself without her existence.
i'll admit. part of the reason why i kept going back and why i kept trying was because i was guilty.
i felt embarrassed because of the things i did trying to get close with her. she pushed me to do things i never thought i could do. sure i'm embarrassed as fuck, but if you think about it. i should be grateful for them.
i am who i am because of her. she's living, existential proof of the lengths i would take to be with someone. sure the things are a little unorthodox and at many times, really embarrassing...but hell, i did them. because they felt right and she felt worth it.
i fought for her, sure i didn't get to be with her, but still.
i fought. that's what matters.
if someone's worth the fight, then you fight. if you have trouble deciding if they're worth the fight, have like, a warmup round: start the battle, and retire once you see what you're really fighting for. if you don't....then you will live your life questioning what could've been.
cathy was complicated. i questioned what we could've been every day. like...maybe if i said something all the way back then...maybe things would've been different now. but does that really matter? compared to all the things i've done after that...all the crazy unorthodox shit.....
'could've' is the key word there. might've happened, and might've not. sure i'll never know but whatever. i'm okay right now, aren't i? it's about time i stop dwelling on the 'if's and start acknowledging what really happened and what i did.
honestly, with all the shit that i did for her, the stuff i did to fight for her. it gives me hope that i'll be okay. if i have this capacity and this ability to do all this shit...just imagine what i could do with a girl who actually cares about me. as i said many times before...
there's a girl out there for me. and i know for a fact she exists. and she's gonna be super lucky to have me as a boyfriend. because i'll fight for her in this life, the next, and in every possible conceptual universe where her and i are together.
because she's worth the fight.
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no more.
no more visiting her before work.
no more visiting her after work.
no more texting her when something interesting happens.
no more texting her about the walking dead.
no more texting her about videogames.
no more finding excuses to talk to her.
no more finding excuses to go to her work.
no more texting her.
no more visiting her.
no more contact.
no more.
her smile's like drugs. and i'm addicted to it.
it's rehab time.
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i'm tired.
tired of all this bullshit. i'm well aware i have all these feelings. i just never thought it'd be possible to care about a girl so much to the point where you'd make a lot of sacrifices for her, yet you barely know her. and she probably won't do the same for you, because she doesn't care.
i don't get it.
why do i care about her so much? sure, she may be straight out of a comic book. sure she may arguably by the coolest girl i've ever known. but so what? i've never lived outside my hometown. there's gotta be another girl out there similar to her and actually appeals to me.
but why do i still care?
is it because i haven't met that girl yet? or is it my inability to accept that after everything i've done for cathy, it can't end like this. in silence and time. is it my inability to have this silent closure on this so called "relationship" instead of it ending with some big act of truth?
or is it that i can have closure whenever i want. and i can make it happen, but i choose not to...because i still care?
this just loops back to the prior question, doesn't it.
why the fuck do i still care about her. either there's some serious witchcraft shit going on, or i truly believe this girl's special. maybe both....or maybe neither.
i don't know anymore.
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um
see, the thing that sucks the most,
is the fact that for the next 3 years, i'll be at this school, and she'll be at that school.
we'll be separated and although we're talking a little more,
we could've been much closer.
i had so many opportunities back in high school and i was too blind to see it
and that really sucks.
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