eratohitomi

[eratohitomi]

You should send me a gift

Flowers every Friday, red roses with poems tucked in and a quiet and down-to-earth relationship were all he asked for, a note of appreciation for the girl who taught him the language of sincerity.

He is a genuine gentleman like that.

The long-sized dark green cardigan that he is still wearing to this day, you would mistake it for thinking how sweet he is when he wears it on you when it is cold and chill outside when you are on the bus on the way home. 

He is a warm-hearted gentleman like that. 

He stares at you like a lost boy and keeps you in his orbit so that he can validate the excuses he comes up with when he cannot tackle the present. He matters the current and putting up a good face, just like I once told him to. 

He is a mindful gentleman like that. 

There shall be no problem finding good eateries out there when you are on a date as the list has been stacked inside his head. The cafes we visited before, the peach strudel he loves to the core and the strawberry matcha he wonders how it tastes like— it flows easily in his head this time.

He is a cognizant gentleman like that.

You missed the point when you thanked me for showing what happiness should look like. The audacity to say, “Thank you for making him happy before,” had it lingering in my head, and I almost burst out laughing.

Don’t be one-track-minded as it is too soon for that— you should embrace the situation’s complexity. Remember that you took someone else’s belongings. No one could question you on the length you take to claim him.

You are not exactly the good girl that your mom brags about. His friends from home think that you are a devil in disguise. And yet, he did not want to fix with me but to be better with someone like you. You deserve both heaven’s and hell’s wrath.

The ungrateful wretch who chases for a temporary bliss.

Nonetheless, I did a noble crime to him for the old times. Hence, I guess I did your favours, and you should send me a gift.

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #writers #writing #writeblr #aboutF #untilwhenithastobeaboutyou

[eratohitomi]

I used to think of myself like that, chanting in my head that you could never lose me in the middle of the way, that there would be no brighter star than me in your sky, that I would be the black hole swallowing your entire universe.

They say to do things that can make you calm when you are in an extreme state of anxiousness. Take a walk around the lake if that could tune down your infuriation. Treat your favorite barista with your go-to-drink if that could light up your day. Write the long poetic lines in your head if that could untangle the twisted strings.

“Just do anything,” as they say, that can make you go through the hard and long week smoothly. But they do not even know how complicated it will be for you, to go through the process, to execute the bad mood out of you, to bring out the energy that you thought you had used all the night before.

They have no idea that you are insecure about the bright lights and wandering eyes. They have no idea that you are more than a weakling; you cannot even think wisely.

How complicated does it sound now, gentlemen? Do you only know to just simply utter words? Eye-to-eye, have you been there? You have no idea, and you will never figure it out Giving out suggestions and plans, you would think it will work out just as fine as how it does for you

And that kind of concept is so messed up and should never be meant to no one

Just let me be lost in my train of thought I will figure things out by myself Maybe that is how things will go

“I want to calm down, to rest, to outlive this nonsense.”

— Anne Sexton, from a letter to Dennis Farrell written c. June 1962

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #writers #writing #writeblr

[eratohitomi]

Deflated

I put my heart on my sleeves, and it looks so horribly exposed. These days when I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, the feelings pile up in an amount of complications. 

“What kind of smile should I put on today? Sad smile or forced smile?” “Should I look uninterested during the conversation or just leave it?”

How naive I am to think how well-dressed I appear when I am barely clothed and emotionally naked— it’s all in my head.

I am full of love and grief. Yet, I still feel ashamed of myself when I am out wandering with my car or getting myself a good meal. Do I still find it difficult to wish you well now that you are the reason I am living in hell?

The teenager in me whispers how it has always been you when hopelessness envelopes me and it speaks slowly, perhaps whatever the best I pray upon you could be the worst for me. 

They say that there is no degree of ego but it seems like I cannot straddle any giant pride right now. So, you don’t get to judge me for the way I am trying to get over someone who I once believed the full moon to my darkest nights. 

And, it makes me wonder— do I want it to be you so bad, or do I just want to feed my ego?

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #writers #writing #writeblr #aboutF #untilwhenithastobeaboutyou

[eratohitomi]

Dirty laundry 

You never get mad at me, but you let it out on your friends when they have no idea what is happening. Little did you know, they are still talking bad about you silently. They try to speak the reality to bring you out from your making-up fantasies, but they guess you are just not mature enough to be thinking their way. 

You never tell anyone what you are feeling that week, but you write it out on paper, and no one has any idea if it is the truth. Maybe if you are able to construct your words eloquently, someone will be your loyal listener for life. I can never seem to understand what you are saying, and you cover it up with stalks of red roses and my favorite dessert. 

You sing out loud to the song we listen to together in the car but you never read the lines of what the lyrics are about. You lose your voice when you are chasing over the temporary bliss that brings nothing in for you, and look at how flawed you are now. But I bet she will be completely floored over the flowery lines you present by now. 

You appear so tragically beautiful as if you are written by a woman in fiction and it is actually true because you are raised by those wonderful women. But, please do not pretend to be the good man when you waited for me in the dark when you are the bad guy who left me in the cold for another girl. 

Take a walk around the lake, darling. You surely will figure out things if you would just appreciate the littlest things around you. Let us not use up all the useless emotions and make fun of people who are actually there for us. 

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #writers #writing #writeblr #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

Stellar

Your endless affection had me right there when I was least expecting it. The way you lulled me to sleep with our favorite song, and now I sleep all alone by myself, haunted by the passing moments of you. 

Your smile was carved deep into my mind, just like how my name was engraved on the promise ring you bought for us, and now I am grieving, though I am still full of overflowing love.

The promises seemed to be coming true, just like the lyrics of the songs you sang to me and how you truly made it sound so enticing. 

I am still in an extreme state of denial and anger but I still picture myself to hear you say the three words to me again. And listen to you say those words of how much you missed me and how bad you wanted to have me beside you.

But it is all grey and dusty now. I just cannot wish for anything anymore and hope to have you come around with my cravings in your hand, delivered straight to my house.

I am just the moon, hoping and desperately waiting on you from afar, and you will always be my favorite singing star, a dazzling diamond.

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #writers #writing #writeblr #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

#1 The harsh truth

“He has someone else’s feelings to take care of and be concerned with now, so why should he mind about you— the non-existent and estranged ex-lover?"

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #writers #writing #writeblr #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

I am not going to make my grief small and palatable. My love wasn't small either.

- Sakshi Narula

[eratohitomi]

One chance, and he is all yours 

She had one chance and took it all for herself.  Right there, when she cared for someone feeling all sorts and took him in all for herself. 

She had one chance and used it when he was alone and unaccompanied.  Right there, when she played the part well and was the devil in disguise, the best company yet. 

She had one chance and slid in around him, acting like she belonged in the place. Right there, when she repainted the walls around him, one hell of a chase.

She had one chance and be the cause of another woman’s tears and worth. Right there, when she captured the subject’s eyes to look at her.

She sure had all the time in the world when she stared at him and made plans to own him for her crown. Right there, when she never meant to surrender him, even to the ground.

The man that she preyed upon, she can proudly call him hers now— grabbing it from someone’s hold. 

There shall be a special hell for this being— though it takes two hands to clap and two to tango.

So, take the stage now, and he is all yours to claim.

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow #betrayal

[eratohitomi]

Can I ask you something in this narrative?

I heard they said something along the lines of “trust takes time”. Trust. Takes. Time. 

I was not as naive as you perceived when I knew that I should have not cared about what other people thought about me, but when I looked back at all the could’ve turned to couldn’t have that was when I started to question all the unnecessaries— the dark clouds aggravated my scenery even more.

It fazed me how your eyes were on me, but you were eyeing someone else, too. You held me tight on the focus, and when I thought we could make it through everything, I got carried away by your promises, and you got carried by some girl that you thought was the one after me. 

I figured that you might think that leaving a bad situation wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. But, you terrorised me more than enough with your excuses that can’t seem exactly sit well with me. You declared that it was for the best, but how were my feelings? It’s incomprehensible to some, but you are living well now that I have nothing to wish for.

So, can I ask you something in this narrative? 

How do you stay composed and all right after the storm? How do you get over it without looking back? How do you trust yourself to be in love with someone just a few weeks after the breakup? 

Do you even love her, or is it just convenient?

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

You are still here, unfortunately. 

I won’t call you a chapter—  you were part of me, though now you are with someone else.

I won’t call you a lesson—  you were here and there for many reasons, though now I am scared of getting well.

I won’t call you a regret—  you were all rainbow and sunshine, though now I cry every night thinking about you.

I won’t call you a burden—  you were everything I asked for in a man, though now I couldn’t trust anyone anymore.

I won’t call you a dream—  you were there holding my hand and made that promise never to leave me out cold, though now I am alone all by myself.

I won’t call you a ghost—  you were there and never left my head, though now I can never get a good night's sleep.

I won’t call you a loss—  you made me believe how loving you were worth everything, though now I am losing myself.

I could say and pray for so many things to get you out of my head. 

But you are still here, unfortunately. 

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

What do I do now? Where should I go now? Where are you?

I hate it now when the weekend is here. I used to look forward to it. We used to build a long list of places we wanted to go to. Struck it off, rewrote it, laughed, and gave it thought again. 

It was when we used to plan for what we were going to do at the mall. One of those overrated malls around the city, we couldn’t even decide which one to go to.

“Should we try the escape room?” I made a face at that, “No, baby. What if I accidentally hug someone or scream out loud? I’ll embarrass both of us!” You shook your head, and looked at me rather lovingly, “then should we just try the arcade? We can try the karaoke too”. I jumped at that, “Hmm, good idea! But, I’m afraid I’ll get tired after that.” “Then, maybe we do either one and we walk around the mall until our legs give up.” “Would that be boring for you?” You smiled at me, “Nope. Never bored with you. I wanted to go anywhere with you.”

And there we were. 

It was when we were up to try new places to eat and waste the day away. You had your craving, the peach strudel. And I had been wanting to try their matcha latte.

“I think I want to try their seafood aglio olio pasta,” I said while still perusing the menu but you made a face at that, “and I think you forgot that you have an allergic reaction to seafood.” I turned to you, “Really? What else are my allergies?” You playfully scrutinized your eyes at me, pretending to be thinking as if I was asking you a History question.  “That you are allergic to seafood and Kiwi skin…” and we finished the sentence together “…but I can still eat Kiwis.”

And we owned the moment.

And now, my weekends are all wasted away.  I am scared to go to sleep long, hate to wake up to such feelings that you are not mine anymore, and, you would never mind my absence in your life anymore. 

All the time that I have now, I spend thinking about how you easily walk away to be with someone else.

I am not well. I am not fine. And I am still not able to adjust now that you are not here. I have never felt like this before, this is a strange feeling. And I am so weak like a teenager.  I cry every night thinking of you being happy with someone else— that should be me. 

That should be me, spending the weekends and all the time in the world with you. 

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

She lights up when she is with you

I can be the tragedy that you thought was a rainbow when it’s pouring rain with thunderstorms.

I won’t be your worst nightmare as I might dress up slightly to cover the flaws that I didn’t want you to see it yet.

I am like the cold that won’t go away  built with the hope that you’ll warm me up with a coffee and a side of Tiramisu.

You are a dream, like a breath of fresh air and you make me feel like I am on cloud nine just by hearing your voice.

Your smile lingers around as if it could snap me out of a bad dream almost that, even if I lock myself in the darkest chamber of mine and wander in there you would be there, still.

I can see the sun setting reflecting in your eyes and I light up when I am with you.

I almost called it quit, but hey, we made it.

P/S: I meant to post it before the breakup, but I was too busy being in love then.

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

How long?

How long would you hold on to the love you thought would last? How long would you stay still for the man you thought was the one? How long would you trust the bond that you thought was never meant to be broken? How long would you believe in yourself that you thought you could carry his burden? How long would you linger in the relationship you thought would stay forever?

How long did you take to forget the old love? How long did you wait around until you could not take it anymore? How long did you remain silent until you could not contain it anymore? How long did you find yourself to be in love with her when you were with me? How long did you finally decide that we would not make it this time around? 

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

Let me grieve

They said, “You are wasting your tears over nothing”, and I said nothing.

They said, “You are better than this”, and I said nothing.

They said, “This is just another season, it’ll pass soon, and you’ll be okay”, and I said nothing.

They have said everything to calm the waves, let the rain pass, and get the clouds out. 

I said nothing but cried a river.  I said nothing but stared blankly.  I said nothing, and you are still there. 

Just one thought. One thought that won’t keep me going. That keeps me still. That numbs my sanity. 

“Did I just dodge the bullet or dig my own grave?”

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF #itsallaboutyounow

[eratohitomi]

Here you are again at it

I dreamt of you last evening.

It felt just like that day, when you showed up unexpectedly with a single rose and hot shawarma. You knew I was not that well that night. I was a sullen, exhausted girl.

And, you never failed to comfort me. To not be by my side when I was downhearted.

The dream was just like that. You were everywhere in my life. Just like a breath of fresh air, you make the day.

And, it downed me that I know I was putting you through hell when I was going through the emotional crisis.

I drowned deep yet failed to take your helping hand.

So, tell me now.

Would you love me like this, again, in your next life?

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #spilled ink #prose #aboutF

[eratohitomi]

Bulan

I have not found the strength to write about you.

But, I still remember how I always made you change your mood. I pissed you off and laughed by your side. I told you my bad jokes and made you throw a look at me. I confessed to you my wrongdoings and made you scowl in annoyance.

You cried a lot. A whole lot that made everyone cry with you. You made me cry, you made me annoyed, you made me happy and never once made me mad at you. Never once.

You were so bright, just like the moon last night.

And, I am pretty sure it was you last night. The brightest moon that was with me last night.

#maklong

[eratohitomi]

Of you, about me: The love poems.

The only voice that is reading to me the honeyed words have caught me up in the moment. The only one who has been writing the love poems that make me fall in love all over again.

The written lines are fragile, tainted with a hint of contentment. It is like the words are written in italic font, and how brand new it is to the ears.

If one of the lines is a scent, surely it would smell like a fresh afternoon wind. How it breezes calmly through my mind, and untangle any hesitancy about us.

If one of the lines is a person, it would be so much more like him. How he appears to be so much emotionally naked, raw and almost unblemished.

It is nothing but pure bliss, and I am more than grateful to call him mine. My one and only.

#emotional poetry #spilled poetry #spilled prose #spilled thoughts #prose poetry #poetry #spilled emotions #aboutF