emotionallyrin

[emotionallyrin]

What do you do when you're depressed

I don't mean for like getting help, I know what to do in that sense I guess and that's not my point. More what comforts you when you're depressed I guess or even traps your brain falls into.

For example I've been depressed for years now and even more so with time, to cope I listen to music and this last Christmas I got Sony Bluetooth headphones I take everywhere with me. I listen to Spotify from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep only stopping if I'm watching stuff. On average I listen to about 7 hours of music a day and on bad days it rises to 12 till my emotions settle down.

It helps to an extent, just disassociating and blending life out to music. Forgetting the worries that are around me for any peace I can get. Sometimes I fall into a trap though, listening to sad music on purpose to make myself more sad. Songs like Krystal by Matt Maltese with its vibe just making you feel either rlly comfy or gradually more sad. Sometimes I just get ambushed and listen to songs which I think aren't sad but after listening to what the lyrics are I just die, it's why I gradually stopped listening to Olivia Rodrigo as much lol.

I'm not asking for a replacement for music since mostly I'm happy and I make sure to avoid these traps for as much as I can, I'm just curious abt what other people do and if no one reads or responds then this is just a bit of a rant lol.

#coping mechanism #music #spotify #depression #questions

[emotionallyrin]

i feel like im in a hole

its almost the end of this college year, my second year too. i feel trapped though. i have two assignments i have to do in the next 24 hours and all i can feel for motivation is that i dont wanna be homeless lol. bare minimum motivation i guess and even then my depression is overwriting all motivation i gain.

anything about wanting to get a good education to get a job and be independent is all just gone when i feel so much despair that i just feel like im drowning constantly. im having dreams about drowning, very infrequent but they happen. usually its a lake, not a very deep one but enough that water would be up to your shoulders. i'm too weak to do anything but fall head first in and just dive, my body is tired and cold unable to help myself. sometimes my dad is there and he pulls me out , it doesn't feel like he's doing it to save me though - more like to keep me trapped in this family.

my family is a mess. i'll infrequently talk about it but just for this post all you need to know is they hate me and everything i stand for. i've heard it from their mouth, this isn't an insecurity.

my depression recently has been consuming me, like a bottomless pit. all i can think about is how i need to do this or that, obligations normal people could do with a push of grunting after all. for me, i just cant build any energy to move. my arms feel weaker by the day, my legs grow numb, my ribs feel like they're collapsing in, and my brain hates it. it's starting to feel like an excuse, i cant do the things i need to because im too depressed to move. i know i need help but my family doesnt accept i do, mental health isnt real to them, so i just wait and suffer.

i've been depressed most of my life to some extent but this is the worst its ever been due to various reasons, things i need to move forward from and get over but all i think about is how i wanna just die in my bed and sleep. its why i feel like im in a hole. im trying to do an essay right now, been trying for a few hours i guess but every time i start writing i feel dead. no motivation just feelings of wanting to cry. it's already overdue so i cant ask for an extension anymore, no help either because if my teachers knew my situation my parents would find out and every time i ask for help they just make something up so i cant get help. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant do this but i need to. i have to or else i cant break free from the prison they created for me.

this isnt a cry for help, just a vent for myself. if you want to give advice or speak about it then go ahead but seriously as much as im not ok just take this "im ok" and dont worry as much as you want to.

... also im sick for like the 4th time this year lol

#vent #college #depressing shit #tw depressing thoughts

[emotionallyrin]

im deadd

i have been playing overwatch since season 7 on OW 2, played paladins before that but finally quit after 1000 hours lol, and holy mother of lord. i've been wanting to join comp for a while but never thought i was good enough so i grinded for like 150 hours on other modes first, finally played comp and got my placement. Gold 4 on support like T-T, this matchmaking is ass especially when im relying on having dps to do their job or a tank to not go off on a 3rd season 4th episode side adventure just for a filler arc. im gonna hate grinding to get out of gold frfr cos it was already ass getting in here. i play mostly ana and kiri now cos ana's kit is op and suzu is good counter for anti nade BUT that doesnt matter, today i played lifeweaver after an entire season of not playing him. i got only 10 hours on him so i not good at doing dps but holy mother of lord grip IS SO STRESSFUL. ive never had more stress in my life on this game, i gotta grip at the perfect moments to prevent my team from dying and for tanks sure thats decently easy but for dps thats where the stress comes in.

a venture says ty for the grip and im goated but like ... ngl im still shaking from how hard it was to see any opportunities to save people without pissing them off. spamming grip is fine and all if you wanna be an ass, you cant do it too early or people get pissed at how you ruined their opportunities but do it too late and they get pissed you didnt save them. its PAINN. love getting good grips but holy this character is stressful and ontop of that im still trying to get like 20k heal, stay alive, position better and learn to get kills on this character. the day i can confidently pvp on lifeweaver will be amazing lol.

anyway bit of a more happier rant since its just funny lol, no eggy today just getting stressed at having fun on overwatch lololol.

#overwatch #competitive #lifeweaver #rant

[emotionallyrin]

i don’t know how long or when i will release it but i started a memoir today. hopefully it helps me feel better. it will include my emotions and knowledge, who i was and will ever be to anyone and everyone all at once. i am alone now so this is more for my sake, so i am not misunderstood when i am forgotten.

[emotionallyrin]

Sleeping is funny

I have depression, I've worried it may be something worse but this is about facts for now. With that I'm used to doing things like sleeping and eating whenever, usually ends up depriving myself of those things by accident- sometimes on purpose.

Recently I've been struggling though; I don't like sleeping at 7am much because I know my sleep schedule gets fucked up if I do, doesn't stop me from ending up this way though. Slipping slowly down the line starting at 3am till night after night I reach 10am. Eventually I get stressed about college starting up and wanting a good sleep schedule again but that's where my troubles come in.

I've only had this more frequently since October but I'm struggling to sleep or atleast stay asleep. When I research I find it could be my depression but I'm usually anxious too so it might be a combination- and the stress. I could sleep at 12am feeling drained like all fuck but then my body says nope and wakes me in like 3 hours and that's my day.

Coffee is keeping me alive but people would probably say it's making it worse or hurting me, I only started drinking coffee 3 weeks ago and this issue has been happening longer than that. I hate how people jump to the same conclusions like I shouldn't be playing games so late or speaking or whatever.

Literally I don't play much, if anything I don't like games anymore I just have a few brain dead ones to keep my hands active. Games that people care about, I don't play those. Something simple on Roblox that I don't think and have open in the background, whether I win or lose doesn't matter on it. If I disconnect too I don't care since its just to keep my hands active. I'm justifying it because I can forget about that I have it open honestly and it'll just turn off by itself. I don't play games, I just disassociate.

Speaking? I don't need to explain much there , I have barely anyone I speak or want to. I made a few friends recently, I've spoke about one in a old post, some people who are kind. I'm thinking of distancing myself though. Conversations, with the one friend I talked about, lead to my guilt and depression feeling more than I could handle. I'm not cutting them off, just not being around more … that leaves me almost alone. Still have friends just not very close ones. Thats fine though.

This night atmosphere, isn't favourable. I've been a night owl for far too long that although I get peace I'm also going slowly insane from isolation. Not just that but also the stress of daily life, not being able to do things normal people do at a normal rate, is just becoming too much.

#personal rant #life #depressing shit

[emotionallyrin]

This app reminds me of amino, the layout that is. I didn't use much amino but my account from 2017 still exists. It felt simple and easier, things just clicked.

Been using discord every day since 2020 and Skype before that, nothing else ever rlly. I had socials but mainly because of my friends to message them, now I'm alone I'm not too concerned abt instagram or anything.

Tumblr makes me feel more chill I guess, easier to just post what I'm thinking or feeling without having people judge me. Also the capabilities are much more than other platforms , atleast that's what I feel like lol.

Might start a wiki thingy like amino out of boredom, idk if people do that on here but eh I'm marching to my own beat.

#thoughts #amino

[emotionallyrin]

question

does any one just randomly get the urge to voice act? like , if you watch digital media then you hear voice actors every day or just voices in general and oh my godd they're soo goodd.

i love love LOVE voice actors and holy fuck it looks like fun, of course though it would be a job if i was to get into it which is what holds me back. as much as the whole idea of being in a video game, big or small, intrigues me i don't wanna do it as a main job. maybe as a hobby on the side but i feel disrespectful to voice actors at that point, i don't know.

my range is not the best but is still pretty good so i'm not worried about the difficulty of it much. i practice on my voice every day trying different ranges of pitch and also just imitating different voices i hear lol. a bit of apart of being trans and a bit of me being quirky lol.

idk, i might look online for a voice acting gig or something and give it a shot just to see if i'm liked. ugh i hate hearing my own voice though so hhhhh.

[emotionallyrin]

do i make people cry

i've felt like shit all day. usual tbh but last night i had a conversation with a friend that lead me to feel like this.

he and i both depressed as fuck, we dont feed off each other like that just it was a coincidence that we both are since we only became friends recently. we speak regularly and play games too, its chill.

we've only been left alone twice and each time i've spiraled and we end up in a different rabbit hole each time which makes us both feel like shit. its not like i want to be depressed or share this with him, i'm not even starting conversations which can lead to these situations intentionally. everything just kinda happens.

he's a good guy and a great friend so i'm just worried i'm a bad influence in his life and even if our friendship isn't toxic right now the fear it could become that way is still there.

trying to get better to be more sensitive around him about that shit and talking about more happy stuff instead of negativity but he speaks about depression regularly too without me bringing anything up, im just worried that when he does that it makes me feel like shit and i end up talking about negative things because of it ... making him worse.

at the end of the day i dont know. i just wanna get better and i want him to aswell, don't wanna have to cut him off for both our benefits but if it ends up affecting either one of us in a negative way , being friends that is , then i will cut him off.

don't want to do that though so gonna try be better around him and not speak about shit like this, too scared to lose anymore friends right now as he's one of my last lol.

[emotionallyrin]

before you read

this post is to guide as a general warning to my place. trigger warnings i guess but im just gonna bullet point shit and keep adding when i remember lol. dunno how hard tumblr can be with banning shit so gonna be ambiguous and if you know you know.

mental health issues

sh

transphobia (towards me)

[emotionallyrin]

pins

tumblr can only take one so imma abuse inline links to pin multiple lol

Important?

baseline before you read

Updates

Private

this is here for my sake so i can quick access some stuff

Notes

[emotionallyrin]

baseline

this is just something to help understand what I'm using this space for. once I had another account where I over micro managed everything to the point I didn't want to post on tumblr again, it became overwhelming I guess. It was supposed to be a diary or well just everything from my day to my thoughts and feelings. categorising it too much was too over bearing though. haven't used tumblr too much to understand if people do this but I just want somewhere to post how I'm thinking or feeling for later reference, somewhere to write to see what I was thinking. posts that are too personal will be private but I'll try to keep most public since I switch accounts on all platforms regularly. even though this is more for me I'll write as if someone is reading this, I don't know the norms or boundaries of this platform so try not to judge me too hard or be a dick. comments are open so just put something there thats to inform or be nice, no assholes allowed.

before anyone asks, I know there are some people in the world who use twitter to post everything they're thinking at the time or feeling I guess but frankly that place is scary so not even thinking of trying there. in case people read what I write I don't want toxic people to be there and my view on twitter is that place is a toxic cesspool, here seems cool though.

tl;dr using tumblr to write my thoughts and feelings. dunno all too much so be nice, no I won't use twitter dont recommend it to me.