dreaming-of-the-day-when

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

are you ever out driving around and get the sudden urge to crash your car because same.

haha fucking depression 

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Loneliness

So I have a full time job babysitting a one year old. Ill work 40 hours or more a week, I rarely ever have time off and i’m lucky to have more than one day off a week. When your stuck in someone else’s house with a one year old things can get pretty lonely. It doesn’t help when you don’t really have friends to hang out with. So I don’t have a lot of time to myself and when I do I want to go hang out with someone. Naturally I ask my best friend to hang out but she has a boyfriend and she is always with him and barely gives me the time of day anymore. I finally gave up trying and a couple days ago she messaged me and asked if I wanted to hang out after work and I was excited that she finally wanted to hang out so I said yeah you can come over when I get home. She asked me if I wanted to drink while we hung out because she had some alcohol and I said sure, so I assumed that she would be staying the night since she would also be drunk and she wouldn’t drive drunk, also just in general she was talking as though shed be staying the night. so I go home and she texts me asking if I wanted to help her dye her hair and I said yeah sounds fun we can do that. I’m in my room and i’m changing my sheets because I was sick the week before. when she got to my place i told her i would have to wake up early the next morning for work and she said oh that’s fine i’m not staying the night. I was a bit dissapointed but still excited that she wanted to hang out. We start watching Netflix and after an hour or so she asks if we wanted to dye her hair so we got everything ready and started. then she brings up how she cant dye her hair at her house anymore because her parents wont let her. then I started to realize. I’m pretty sure she just came over to dye her hair. She never brought over alcohol. oh also she was gonna bring her tattoo gun and give me another tattoo but she didn’t bring that either. My point here is that I think she used me to get her hair dyed and let me tell you that sucked. She left right after her hair was done and hasn’t texted me since. I don’t have a lot of people anymore and i’m excruciatingly lonely. i just need some more friends. I know I don’t have a lot of followers but if you’ve read all of this which i’m so sorry about lol i know its a lot, feel free to message me (as long as you aren’t a creep that’s going to ask for sexual shit because then i will block you) ill respond back as soon as I can and id like to think i’m pretty fun to talk to but you can decide that for yourself if you want. Thanks for reading.

#lonely #loneliness #im dissapointed #I need friends #message me #im pretty cool i think #sad asf lmao

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Disrespect and Anger

I've gone soft and I let two dumb boys disrespect me and ill be damned if I let it happen again. They both accused me of lying and cheating, ruined a lot of my relationships because they were insecure, then they want to play the victims. No. That’s not how this is gonna work. You wanna walk in fuck up my relationships and accuse me of shit i’m not doing? You want to tell me how I feel about things, and you want to guilt trip and manipulate me? I don’t think so. I may look small and I may act sweet but that doesn't mean you get to fuck with me without any repercussion. You don’t have the right to violate my privacy and send shit to my friends off my phone, you don’t have the right to look through my text messages without my permission and if I tell you know then that doesn't give you the right to accuse me of cheating and lying, My conversations with people are between me and them, it is none of your business what i talk with them about. Ill tell you about the conversation if I want to but its not your decision. I deserve respect and not to be treated like shit because you're insecure. You being insecure is not my fault nor my problem. If your insecurities are that bad then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If you cant treat the girl you’re with with respect you don’t deserve to be in a relationship. Iv’e gone soft and i’m changing that right the fuck now, if I get disrespected one more time i’m gonna cause some damage. No more getting my anger out by punching my walls, my anger is going out on you and you better watch the fuck out. No more nice girl, nice girls get walked all over and i’m not having it anymore.

#the disrespect #anger #toxic #relationship #manipulation #insecure #dont fuck with me #guilt tripping #i deserve respect #accusations #respect

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Do you ever feel like your going to die. I feel like that right now. Last time I felt like this I was having a seizure and woke up during it and I felt my heart stop and I felt myself blacking out again. I wanted to scream for help but i couldnt do anything. I couldnt even open my eyes. I came to on the floor I waited a bit and got up. I went to go finish closing up the store and I hit my head. I fell to the floor in a panic, I called my mom crying. I said " Mommy something's not right. I had a seizure and I felt my heart stop. I think I need to go to the hospital. Mommy please help me." I blacked out. I kept waking up screaming for help. Every 2-5 minutes I woke up screaming and each time I woke up it got worse. First I lost feeling in my legs and hands. I start screaming " I cant feel my legs" "I cant feel anything". I went out again. I started hallucinating when I would start to come to. I started seeing figures moving closer to me, I saw blood. I'm an atheist. But in that moment I started screaming "I was wrong hes gonna get me" "Help me" "I dont wanna die" this went on for 3 hours. I kept screaming for my mom. She got to me 20 minutes after I called her. I didnt know. I didnt know where I was or who was with me. All I thought was that i was gonna die. That was the only thought going through my mind in those moments that i would wake up. 3 hours this went on. My manager called the ambulance and i dont remember the drive to the hospital. I dont remember entering the hospital. I dont remember them moving me to the icu. All I remember was screaming for my mom because I thought I was gonna die. The doctors dont know what happened to me. They thought I was on drugs. I wasnt. I dont know what happened but that was the scariest moment in my life. I get flashbacks to that moment all the time and tonight it was especially bad. I dont know why. It came into my head and I started thinking I was gonna die. I was back in that moment. When I realized it wasnt happening I had a tear running down my face. I feel like I'm gonna die. And I dont wanna die. I dont know what's happening to me.

#help me #i dont wanna die #seizure dissorder #wtf is happening to me #im scared

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

When life gets hard what do you do? What can you do? Some drink. Some do drugs. I smoke cigarettes and watch the ashes fall. Sometimes they land on my leg, and I just sit and feel it burn. You cant scream and jerk around till it's off of you, you become a pussy. You sit there and take it. You take the pain. I dont care how much it hurts. Dont cry, dont show emotion. Just feel. Soon it wont hurt anymore. You'll get used to it. You have to look strong whether you're with people or not. Look strong. One day you'll learn to look strong all the time. If you dont you're weak. Besides the point, what do you do when life gets hard? Everyone has something they do. Some people might have sex, some people sleep all day, I speed. I get in my car and I swerve through traffic as if an atomic bomb just went off. And sometimes if feels that way. I speed and wonder what would happen if I drove my car off the bridge. Would my airbags explode and save me or are they broken and I go headfirst into the steering column. Would I hit someone below me or would I miss everyone and land in a ditch filled with the puddles from last nights rain storm. What would happen?

What do you do when life gets hard?

I hope it's something responsible.

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Impossible

You weren't there for me. I was a baby and you left. A better man than you took your place. He took care of me. He raised me. you could have seen me at any point in time. you didn't. I have wanted to meet you for as long as I can remember but you never came around. you never even tried. You didn't even come to my adoption. At 16 I finally met you but you have another family and another daughter. I had no emotions. I just cried and hoped you wouldn't leave that little girl like you left me. But you won't. She gets that relationship with you that I never got. I'm 17 now and you have a newborn son. Again I sit in my room crying. I have to live with the pain of you never being around. I live with the hope that we can have a relationship like you have with your other children. I know I can never have that. It's too late for us. Yes, I love my dad and I love that he raised me and I can't imagine having anyone else raise me. But I wanted to know you and have a relationship with you and I can't have that. I feel like I'm the black sheep around your new family. I feel unwanted around them. why couldn't you just stay around and grow with me? I want something I cant have.

                                              I want the impossible

#impossible #whyd you leave #why #you weren't here #i was a child #you had a chance #you left me

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Butterflies

That crazy feeling in your stomach you get when you're so happy or so infatuated with someone that you feel like they are the only person in the world. It’s a beautiful feeling to have. They can make you feel like nothing can ruin what you have. That this is the person you love. But what happens when those butterflies disappear? When things change. What do you do after that? You still love that person but things are different now. How do you handle something like that? When you cry to yourself at night not knowing if there's something wrong with you or if this isn't the person you should be with or if it's the distance that's making you feel like something is wrong. What do you do when you feel like everything is crumbling down around you? When you're so unsure of everything how do you handle it?

                           What do you do when your butterflies disappear?

#butterflies #why. am i like this #i want them back #why'd they disappear

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

so im feeling hella needy right now. i dont know why but i just want my baby to come up here and cuddle with me and watch scary movies with me. He makes my heart so happy yall dont understand, i cant even describe it. He sent me his hoodie and it was supposed to be here today but its probably not gonna make it until tomorrow. im so excited!!! hes not here so i cant show him off to everyone but ill be able to show off his hoodie and ill look damn cute in it too. he treats me like a person, he makes my heart happy. i gotta try really hard not to say certain words to him and he knows that. im afraid to feel like this but it also kind of excites me in a way because im not attracted to other people, i dont want to flirt orbe with anyone else. its weird to feel like everythings gonna be okay and that im not gonna get hurt. hes gonna visit me on my birthday, hes already booked his hotel. i dont feel nervous about anything, all i feel is happiness and excitement and its so overwhelming that i dont know how to express it. i cant come up with the words to say how excited i am to get to hug him and kiss him and cuddle with him. he is the cutest motherfucker and i just cant fucking wait to be with him

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

He’s my person

So there's this boy. he makes my heart so happy. Yall don't understand. I could be having the worst day and as soon as I see his face and hear his voice it makes me feel 10 thousand times better. He makes me feel like I've never felt before. he makes me feel like a princess, he calls me beautiful and pretty, when others would just call me hot or sexy. This man is literally the most amazing person, he's sweet, he's funny asf, he's handsome, and he likes me! I just don't understand how someone like him could be so into me. he lives 1000 miles away but when I talk to him it feels like he's here with me. We haven't met yet but when we do meet it's going to be amazing I swear. it's definitely possible that he's gonna read this and if you are, Hi babyyy i cant wait till you see what I'm getting you for Christmas, I'm 100% sure of what I'm gonna get you now and I can't wait till you get it and I can't wait till I get your hoodieeee!! That's all I gotta say. so imma go because I wanna go to Walmart to get some damn pizza rolls.

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

yall I'm in a good ass fucking mood rn. like damn 

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

update

I haven't posted in a while so here's a little life update. Things are going pretty good for the most part, I’ve been getting caught up on my schoolwork and my mental health has been a lot better. I met someone and he's really cool and I kinda like him a lot. We have been talking a lot recently, and video chatting. he's super cute and he's really funny. he lives in another state but once we get to know each other better he's willing to drive down to meet me. on the other hand, my seizures have been happening more. I've had 3 this week, but it could be because I'm not getting a whole lot of sleep and I've missed my meds a couple times. but for the most part, I've been a pretty happy camper.

#im a happy camper #good vibes #im getting better

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

I wrote this for a class at school and I got a 98% so im gonna post this shit

At night she lays in bed, sad songs playing on the radio. Crying as her mind tries to latch on to any good memories she has. But its night time and the demons love the darkness. 3 am and she's on the floor just trying to catch her breath between her screams for help. Her mind is the darkest place she knows, she doesn't let anyone in because if she does they'll just leave like everyone else. 4 am, her crying stops. The music still playing as shes curled up with her favorite blanket, her eyes close. Morning finally comes and she's the happiest person you'll ever know. At school, she laughs and talked about plans for the upcoming break from school. Her smile lights up every room she enters, the shy boy in the corner looks at her and quickly looks away. she walks over and sits next to him. they talk all class period and by the end, they have plans to hang out over the weekend. Everyone loves her, she's smart, she's thoughtful, she has the most caring heart. School is over and she's at home, her phone is blowing up with texts from her friends. But night time is coming and soon the sad songs will replay.

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Marionette Doll

Hi, I'm currently in my room crying my eyes out. Why am I never good enough. I’m so excruciatingly lonely. if you could see me as I saw myself you would want to know me, you would just walk away and never look back. I'm jealous of others as they can leave me but I can't leave myself, I can't leave my fucking mind.

                                          -How I See Myself-

I'm a broken piece of shit. I’m disgusting. I’m an attention whore. I'm tainted by the pain I've endured. I used to be such an innocent little girl, dressing up in my princess dresses, wearing my moms’ high heels. I used to be so innocent until he came and fucked me up. My dresses burned, the heels broken on the floor.  My mind, My body, My innocence destroyed. I’m a disappointment to my parents and to myself. I can’t do anything without ruining myself more. I'm scared all the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I’m constantly feeling as though I'm going to throw up. I do illegal things, I smoke, I go after older guys for sexual interactions just because they give me attention. I've never had a stable relationship because the guys I've dated have either cheated on me or abused me whether that be physically, mentally, of sexually. I put myself in awful situations because that's all I know. I’ll intentionally fuck up the good things in my life and I don't know why. I guess its just because I despise myself so much that I don't believe I deserve the good things that come my way. 

I want to apologize to my parents for all I've done but I don't know how to. There is so much I want to say but the words just don't come out. if I tried I would just break down in tears and say I'm sorry over and over. I can't take anything back and I wish I could. I’m such a goddamn fuck up. I absolutely HATE everything about myself. I’ve used my body for attention because that how I knew to get it. People don't like me, at least not in the way I need, I crave stability and loyalty and I guess I'm not good enough for that. I'm best used for sex. I just want to be better. I’m tired of feeling worthless, gross, and ugly. I just want to be loved by someone who won't destroy me. But I’m not human. I’m an object. I’ll keep my mouth shut and my clothes off. I'm just a marionette doll. Pull my strings and watch me move.

#i cant breathe #im broken #trauma #cocsa #i just want to be happy #i just want it to stop #i just want to be held #therapy doesnt even help #i just want to be okay #marionette doll

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

Maybe.

I can't fucking sleep so im just gonna talk about some random shit. I wanna get into a fight, like a physical fight. and not that dumb hair pulling shit. punch me in the face make me bleed, bust my fucking lip open, just make me feel some kind of physical pain so im not trapped in my own mind. id rather have to deal with the pain of broken bones and cuts than the pain of my own thoughts. I can't fucking sleep, I can't eat, I can't leave my house, I can't do anything anymore. lay on the floor and hope that the monsters under my bet and in my closet will just take me away.  I don't wanna die and I don't wanna self-harm, I'm done with that, I just want to feel better. but I can't just automatically feel better so ill just feel the pain in a different way. I don't know where im going with this. I'm just writing hoping that I get some kind of relief from all these thoughts terrorizing my fucking mind. maybe one day ill be better and I won't wish pain upon myself but I don't think thats gonna be any time soon. I used to be such a happy little girl, I had friends, I had 4 amazing dogs 2 cats a couple birds and some fish that I loved, I had my innocence. not anymore. I had that stolen from me 2 years ago, then the broken pieces of me got violated. Every piece of me was broken on the ground, one day I finally started putting myself back together but nothing can ever be as strong as it once was after its broken. and next thing I know im back in pieces. I try so hard im still trying but ive been broken so much that some of my pieces are missing. I know I'm not the only person in the world that feels like they can't be fixed but damn does if feel like I am. I was happy but idk what I am now, I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm nothing, I don't even feel like a person anymore. 

I'm just dreaming of the day when I'm happy again, when I have back my innocence, when im not afraid of going out in public alone when im not afraid of boys, when I feel like I belong.

                          I'm dreaming of the day when I'm human again.

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

For once I would love to not get used. Don't pull on my heartstrings and play with it like a marionette doll. I'm sensitive, ive been hurt too many times, I can't take it anymore.

ill break and i won't be able to come back 

#please dont break me #i cant take it #i crave stability #im a sensitive bitch #quit with this bullshit please #fuck i need sleep #idfk what im doing anymore #just ranting

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

what its like to have a seizure

okay, anxiety is a bitch rn and when I get anxious sometimes I have seizures and I'm starting to feel like I'm gonna have one, and I've had people ask me what it feels like before, during, and after it happens. but it's hard to explain when it's not happening at the moment. so I'm just gonna type while I'm starting to feel it happen if it starts to get jumbled and not make sense I'm sorry. I can tell when its gonna happen because I just feel off, right now I'm a little shaky and I feel like I'm gonna cry. seizures hurt, and I get scared whenever I feel like its gonna happen because I don't wanna go through the pain, I don't wanna hit my head on anything I don't wanna break any bones. I go unconscious when they happen so I never know what's happening until someone tells me. I have this weight on my entire body and I can feel myself starting to just kind of slow down, it's hard to even type this but I'm gonna keep going. I don't know what's going on, nothing makes sense, I feel like everything is just fake. my head is spinning and again it's hard to move anything. I'm shaking a lot so im gonna go upstairs so my parents can monitor it then ill be back to explain the rest.

okay im back. its been about 10 minutes. my seizure lasted for about 3 or 4 minutes and im in a lot of pain right now. I hit my elbow pretty hard at some point and I feel like I just did a 30-minute workout. I'm still a little bit shaky and my head hurts but im good now. its not fun having to go thought this. ive been dealing with my seizures for about 2 years now and it was definitely a learning curve. I cant do a lot of things I used to do but I can inform people about seizures and how to help out with them so at least some good came from it.

#pnes #seizure dissorder #conversion disorder #it hurts like a bitch but its fine #it aint even a fun time

[dreaming-of-the-day-when]

I'm now taking friend applications

I'm so fucking lonely, I really need some new friends. if anyone sees this and wants to be friends just lmk lol. I like the elder scrolls, pizza rolls, I listen to a lot of metal music, I'm not that attractive but I'm pretty damn funny, idk lol I'm just lonely asf and hella sad rn. I know that no one is gonna see this but it's okay, it just feels good to type this out. welp I'm gonna listen to some music and cry for a bit so byee

#lonely #kinda sad #i need friends #lol help