dont-call-me-peanut

[dont-call-me-peanut]

i will be successful

my success will not look like

the picture we paint in our heads

i will not be president

or some powerful ceo

or famous, rich, recognizable

but i will be successful in going on a journey

that i can be proud of

i will take my medication on time

i will give myself 8 hours of sleep

at least 20 minutes of yoga

even on weekends

because i know that it helps

i've been given tools, why not use them?

this body is all that i have

and i plan to get as many miles out of it

as i possibly can

oil change every 5,000 miles

keep air in the tires

watch for ice in the winter

potholes in the spring

new tags

e-check

i will take every day one day at a time

every problem

every breakdown

one at a time

i will make this journey something

to be proud of

#poetry #writing #am writing #late night thoughts #success #bipolar #mental illness #motivation #i will #inspiration #i'm fine

[dont-call-me-peanut]

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Dear Grandpa, Months ago, we saw a lineup for a music festival that was to be put on by NOFX. We read the lineup and decided immediately we were all in. The morning presale tickets went on sale, I left you in charge to order the tickets and camping passes promptly at 10am. Minutes after the sale started, you texted me panicking because for some reason the purchase wouldn’t go through. So you tried again... and again... and finally the purchase did go through... but somehow you managed to purchase 3 camping passes and 3 festival tickets for a grand total of $900. We spent a good hour on the phone, you with the festival and me with my bank ensuring we got our money back for the passes we didn’t need (after that we both agreed buying concert tickets should be my job from now on) We anxiously waited for our wristbands to come in the mail, and as festival weekend got closer, the more excited we got. You were dying to see NOFX and you were finally going to get to see them live during a 3 day festival of nothing but punk, beer, and camping. Two days before we left for the weekend, Fat Mike had to say some stupid shit and halfway through my work day on Thursday I had to call and break the news that NOFX and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, two of the only three bands you even wanted to go to this festival for, were kicked off and wouldn’t be playing. You were so bummed, and I could tell it wasn’t even worth going to anymore for you. I felt awful. I came home from work and you were standing outside with such a long face, I gave you a hug and thought “man he is REALLY bummed about this...” Except your sadness had nothing to do with the festival. We went inside and 2 minutes later my dads were at the door to our apartment. I was excited to see them but kind of surprised, I didn’t think they even knew which apartment was ours. They broke the news that my grandpa died suddenly earlier that afternoon, and I realized why you had looked so bummed when I got home. You already talked to them, and you had known all day this conversation was gonna happen. My dad didn’t want me to find out at work, so he told you they’d be coming over and you spent your whole day knowing bad news was coming. Devastated and in shock, my dad told us to still enjoy our weekend and told me to have fun and get my mind off everything. But at that point I wasn’t even really up for any sort of fun, I just felt like sleeping all weekend and blocking everything out. But Friday morning, we made our way to Nowhere, Ohio determined to enjoy the weekend and escape from reality for a while. After two and a half hours in the car driving down, a lot of confusion and driving in circles trying to find the festival entrance, and three hours in line at “customs” we finally get in. And we were met with the biggest letdown of the year. Not only were the two bands you wanted to see now taken off the lineup, we realized we’d be spending the weekend having Fat Mike’s shitty beer sold to us for fifteen bucks per six pack inside the campgrounds (considering no outside alcohol was allowed in, we didn’t have much of a choice but to choke it down all weekend) we’d be spending ten bucks per individual beer, thirteen bucks per shitty mixed drink at he festival itself. Sound was cutting in and out for damn near every band we saw, organization overall was nonexistent, and needless to say we were thoroughly disappointed. But you knew how much I needed this weekend away and you were determined to make sure this shitshow of a festival would still be worth it in the end. We made some incredible friends back at camp with people from all over the world: Montreal, Quebec, Brazil... West Virginia. We sat around in a circle with our new friends, passed around a guitar and sang and told stories and laughed, the kind of laughing I was desperate for. We drank a bit too much (drinking liquor out of breast milk bags goes down as the oddest thing we’ve ever done) Our camp neighbors became good friends, we got some life advice and “Dad Lectures” from the two balls of energy we were stuck next to for three days. We got to see fucking Jello Biafra play a handful of Dead Kennedys songs, we got to scream “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” in a crowd of hundreds of angry drunk punk kids, and I got to see you experience your first mosh pit (sure my phone may have gotten shattered during that part but who cares?) I got to see the Bouncing Souls while standing hand in hand with my best friend. I got to see bands I never thought I’d ever get the chance to see. I got to share one of the craziest experiences with the person who means the most to me. Sure, it might have been a disaster and sure we were let down by the festival overall. But you refused to allow the downfalls of that festival to keep us from having the time of our lives. You refused to let me get too far into my head and think too much and get sad. You knew how badly I needed that weekend away and you made it an experience I will never forget. I never want to do anything without you. There is no one else I would rather spend these sorts of ridiculous adventures with other than you. I want to see everything, experience everything I can possibly experience in this lifetime, and I wanna do it all with your hand in mine. I can’t wait for our next adventure.

#letters to grandpa #the trials and tribulations of grandpa and ladyboy #dear grandpa #boyfriend #camp punk in drublic #festival #music #adventures

[dont-call-me-peanut]

The past month or so, it has felt like life has thrown one thing after another at me. And as things got worse, the more ready I was to escape for a bit. So after two and a half hours of driving, and another three hours in line to get into this festival we had been stoked about for months we were met with.... a huge letdown. But we had the time of our lives. We got to see some bands we had been dying to see for years, we met some awesome people, made a few new friends, and despite the disaster the festival was overall, we got to walk away with a pretty hilarious story. Thank you, Kyle, for being my adventure buddy, my partner in crime, my absolute best friend in the world and for experiencing all we can hand in hand, regardless of how poorly it might turn out. This entire festival was a shitshow, but you refused to let it ruin our weekend. You showed me we can turn a train wreck into a party. You knew how much I needed this weekend away, how much I needed this little escape. And with you by my side, it was best dumpster fire I’ve ever seen.

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Dear Grandpa, I’ve been feeling real sappy about you lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still riding the high of our weekend away, or because it’s finally hit me that we’ve been doing this for a year and four months now (ew, right?) or just because you manage to make me fall in love with you every day over just the little things that you do. But each day this fire in my heart grows just a bit bigger and the idea of spending the rest of my life with you becomes more and more enticing to me. You’re my other half, as cliche as that sounds. Everything I do I want to do with you. I want to spend our lives going on little adventures together. I want to explore the world and experience new things with you right by my side. I don’t want to spend my life with anyone other than you. I love you, Grandpa. I could write a novel about all the reasons why I’m set on you. But the simplest way I can put it is that I love you. And I want you next to me until we’re both old and gross. I look at you and I see forever.

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Dear Grandpa,

With 2018 now in full swing, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on everything we faced together in 2017. It’s the first full calendar year under our belts together as a team. And as I look back on what those 365 days were like for us, I’m realizing just how much our lives were changed in just one year.

We started out New Year’s Day with our relationship still in its infancy. We were still learning about one another, still growing together both as individuals and as a unit. We were still on opposite work schedules for the most part as I was still typically going into work as you were getting off, you were asleep by the time my shift ended. It left very little time for us to actually spend together. That being said, we still made it work. Spent every second we could together and before we knew it, I was pretty much moved into the apartment by summertime. By then, my shifts had changed and we got every afternoon together and even Sundays most weeks. We were creating a sort of routine and establishing a sense of normalcy. By that point it was incredibly clear how very serious we were about building a life and a future together.

By midsummer, any plans we had were put on hold when I lost my job. It was something we didn’t see coming it was something so unexpected that it turned both our lives upside down. While I had to scramble to come up with a backup plan and completely start over and find a new career, you were left to support us both. That alone would have been enough to cause rifts in any relationship, let alone one still as new as ours was. But you stepped up, you handled every financial aspect of our lives by yourself all while supporting me emotionally as I delt with the reality of unemployment and the depression that came along with it. You were patient through every breakdown I had and you never stopped pushing me to find something I could build a career out of, something I could enjoy. You were stability and you handled that period of our live with such patience and understanding, even when it was taking just as much of a toll on you.

When I landed this job at Allstate, you were my biggest cheerleader. You never failed to express how proud you were of me. You listened to my fears and anxieties of starting this job in a field I had no experience with and you gave me the self esteem boost I needed to go into an environment like that confidently and boldly because you knew I was capable of succeeding at anything I put my mind to.

You believed in me.

It took a while to get back on track, we were in such a financial hole after living on a single income for three months, but we slowly gained more stability and got to a place we can feel comfortable again. A place where we can finally start working on those plans for a better life, finding a house to call our home and start building a future together.

To say 2017 was a rollercoaster is an understatement. Last year put us to the test as a couple and as a team. Last year put us face to face with very real struggles. It wasn’t easy, and there were some arguments along the way. But we never once let what we were going through cause us to falter. We stood hand in hand, stared every trying situation in the face, and said “we can beat this.”

We’re going to face more trying times in the future. This isn’t the end of struggle, as life is constantly throwing us curveballs along the way. But last year, despite how low I fell at some points, was a year I wouldn’t change for the world. We are stronger because of it and I’m confident that we will be able to continue to handle whatever is thrown our way as we move into this new year, and every one we get to spend together afterwards.

Despite all the changes I went through last year, you remained my constant. You never quit on us. And for that, the words “thank you” will never be able to cut it. I hope I can show you the same sort of support and stability you’ve shown me.

Here’s to a new beginning for us, Grandpa. A new year of memories to be made, struggles to go through, and lessons to learn. I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

I love you endlessly, old man. Don’t ever forget it.

#dear grandpa #boyfriend #letters to kyle #the trials and tribulations of grandpa and ladyboy

[dont-call-me-peanut]

I thought I had been in love before. A couple times, actually. And whenever someone would ask me why I loved them, the answers always led back to what they could do for me. “They make me happy.” “They understand me.” “They ease my anxiety.” And I finally understand now that I wasn’t in love with them. Because now I’m starting to get it. Love isn’t about just me and how it makes me feel and what it does for me. that’s not love. Love is about how it shapes the two of us. It’s about building the best future for myself so that we can share that future. I understand now that love is a two way road that has bad traffic from time to time. It isn’t a perfect freeway. There’s days where one lane is under construction for a while, so the other lane has to handle all the traffic coming from both directions. After a bad storm, branches and debris will cover that road and it might cause a detour that stops all traffic entirely. It can be hard to maneuver through the snow, and consequently it’ll cause a few accidents every winter. It might not consistently be the most convenient route to take. But when the sun is high and warm on your face and you’re driving down that road with the radio up and you finally look around and, despite the trouble that road may have caused you, you’ll realize you continue to take that road every day because the view is magnificent.

You are my perfect route, despite occasional bumps in the road. You are the most beautiful scenic route I’ve ever come across. And no matter what, I’ll keep coming back to you.

[dont-call-me-peanut]

I live for our boring nights in. Those lazy nights where we eat TV dinners and play bartender, put on a stupid movie and lay entwined together on the couch. The nights where we barely even speak because we don’t have to; we’re content with the comfortable silence and the sense of security and peacefulness that comes with being in each other’s arms. I’ve begun to embrace our mundane routine, no matter how boring and uneventful some weeks may seem. Because even simply going through the motions of day to day life is so much more exciting and colorful when you’re a part of that life. I still get butterflies every evening I drive home from work, knowing I’ll get to see you the minute I walk through the front door. I want this life with you. Even if it means the boring 9-5 work week; complete with uneventful evenings, early bedtimes, and a lot of microwave TV dinners. I want all of that with you. Because this life will never be just ordinary when we’re together. Regardless of what we’re doing, if we’re even doing anything at all, I will never take for granted a single second I’ve gotten to spend with you because every moment with you is another reminder of why I’ve held on and fought this long in the first place. I want this, with you, for as long as we both can stand each other. I want the lazy and boring afternoons, I want the early nights, I want the weekends spent in bed and the typical routine with you. This is a life I could get used to.

#dear grandpa #relationship #boyfriend #the trials and tribulations of grandpa and ladyboy

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Dear Grandpa,

Our one year anniversary came and went last month (I still can’t believe it’s been an entire year) and the holidays are quickly approaching which means this will be our second year spending the holidays together.

Holy shit, time flies doesn’t it?

And while I think about everything that we’ve endured from the night we met up until right now, I begin to realize that our relationship has been anything but ordinary since day one.

The night I met you, I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. Quite frankly, I wasn’t even too concerned with whether or not I’d ever see you again after that night. I wanted nothing to do with intimacy or relationships or feelings.

I know we’ve even talked about that and you felt the same way at the time.

But somehow, we fell into each other. The occasional night at the bar grabbing a drink together turned into you taking me to a Browns game and meeting your friends. The casual hookups turned to date nights and falling asleep in each other’s arms. Our undiscussed relationship status turned to you introducing me to some of your oldest friends as your girlfriend.

And the weekend sleepovers turned to me moving in.

And yknow, after the disaster that ensued the first time I jumped the gun on getting a place with a boyfriend, for years I swore I’d never move in with a significant other ever again unless I knew 100% that we were going to get married.

I even remember when I first talked to my therapist about you. We were a few months in and she asked if I had moved in with you or if we had talked about getting a place together. And I just laughed and asked if she was crazy. “Absolutely not, I won’t do that again, especially this early.”

And yet, here we are. I know you joke all the time, “I didn’t even ask her to move in, I just gave her a key and she never left.” And essentially, yeah that’s what happened. We started spending more and more time together, we settled down and got serious and before we knew it, I wasn’t even spending nights at my own house anymore. I had done the one thing I swore I wasn’t going to do again - move in with a boyfriend too early - I didn’t even do it intentionally.

And thinking back on how we happened and how we reached the point we’re at now, I realize that everything about our relationship, down to its roots, has been so organic. That sounds so corny and cliche. But that’s the only word I can use to fully convey what I mean. Everything about us has been so natural, nothing was forced or rushed, there was no pressure, no awkward first date or that self imposed expectation to impress the other person. There was no “chase” so to speak.

We just... happened. We were what we were. And somehow, despite the lack of any “So, what are we?” discussions, somehow we both just kind of knew. We never tried to force a relationship, we just let one form. We never had a conversation where we declared ourselves “boyfriend and girlfriend”

We just were.

And I think that’s why we work so well. Nothing is ever forced. Nothing is ever meticulously planned. We just let the pieces come together on their own.

And all those pieces are starting to come together beautifully.

#dear grandpa #boyfriend #the trials and tribulations of grandpa and ladyboy #love #grandpa

[dont-call-me-peanut]

With the amount of allegations coming to light recently within the entertainment industry and the amount of controversy that’s come about because of it, I can’t help but to feel sick to my stomach and think back to my younger years, to when I was one of these victims too afraid to come forward.

I see all these women mustering up the courage to come forward and share their stories. Stories that put them in a vulnerable position, some of them a position where they’re risking their reputation and sometimes their career. And while I have the utmost respect and adoration for their courage, I keep seeing these people who are denying or disbelieving their claims, calling them liars or stating that we shouldn’t believe them until we hear “both sides”

And I’m disgusted. I’m upset and I’m heartbroken. This hits home for me. Because with every person I hear say something along the lines of “Well if they’re telling the truth, why did it take them x amount of years to come forward?”

I hear this from people who I am friends with. People I love. People I initially trusted and confided in.

And I just want to scream in their face that I was one of these women once. I want to scream in their face that it took me almost two years to tell anyone what happened to me at 16.

Hearing so many people say things like “Well they weren’t ACTUALLY raped” or “they didn’t distinctly say no” makes me sick to my stomach because, while they aren’t directing that sort of mentality towards me specifically, they might as well be.

Because no, I didn’t distinctly say no. I woke up with my pants around my ankles and him on top of me. When I finally realized what was happening, I just said, “we shouldn’t, I have a boyfriend” while my stomach twisted into knots and my mind screamed to do something but my body just froze. When he kept going, I thought I was being assertive by timidly stating, “no seriously, we can’t” but he kept going. He was on top of me and he was bigger than me and I was scared. So I just kind of stayed still until he rolled off me and I dressed myself and left.

I didn’t say anything to anyone for almost 2 years.

And now I wonder, with the amount of people doubting the women coming forward about their claims against all these famous actors, if I were to have waited until now to tell the truth about what happened to me, would I be met with the same doubt?

I’m tired of rapists being given the benefit of the doubt. I’m tired of victims not being taken seriously. I’m pissed that no one believes us

Keep fighting. Keep coming forward. Keep speaking out. We’re gonna get the justice we deserve

[dont-call-me-peanut]

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Dear Grandpa,

It’s been exactly one year since the night we met. I still can’t believe you decided to give an entire year of your life to me so far. When we met, I didn’t see this happening. I don’t think either of us did. We didn’t realize last Halloween that we were standing next to each other at the starting line that was drawn in front of the beginning of our lives together. I didn’t know that night that I had met the man I was going to build a life with. I didn’t know that night that I was about to fall in love and start making decisions based on our future together. I didn’t know that night that I’d even start thinking about the future.

I never liked thinking about the future until I met you. But here we are a year down the road and we talk about plans for the future, about our future, every night while we’re lying in bed.

Last night a friend of mine asked me, “How did you know you were in love? What was that defining moment where you realized you were really truly in love?”

That was the first time I really had to think about that. I was sure I was in love, i knew with everything I had in me that I loved you. But until that moment, I never thought much about why I was sure.

And after thinking about that question, it dawned on me that my defining factor in knowing it was love with you was that for the first time in my life, I was thinking about the future. And I was looking forward to it. For the first time, thoughts about the future didn’t fill my guts with overwhelming anxiety. For once, I look forward to what the future has in store for me. And every time I imagine my future, and what I want for me, you’re always there. You’re factored into every decision I make because every decision I make effects my future, which has now become OUR future. I factor you into everything I do, not because I feel obligated or stuck or trapped or like I have to or I’m expected to, but because I want to. I don’t want a future for me without you in it. My ideal future has you right there next to me.

And no, it’s not always butterflies in the stomach and fireworks when we kiss. Sure, things get mundane and we spend most nights on the couch watching Netflix. Yes, we’re a year into this and the honeymoon phase has faded, and yes we’re settling down and kind of going through the motions of this routine we’re finally settling into. We’re not as exciting as we used to be.

But still, even on those boring routine work nights where we sit in front of the TV and eat Chinese takeout and barely speak because we’re both just so exhausted, even on those nights I catch a glimpse of you scooping up Lo Mein from whatever shitty Chinese takeout spot we went to that night, and all I can think is, “This is what I want for the rest of my life.” I look at you during our boring post-work weeknights while we’re doing absolutely nothing and it hits me that I’m more than content spending my life like this as long as you’re a part of it.

And that’s how I know, without any doubts it my mind, that I’m in love with you.

I’m yours.

And I promise to keep working every day at this to make sure we don’t ever have to lose what we’ve got.

I love you, Grandpa. Every day I look forward to what lies ahead for us.

#dear grandpa #11/4 #the trials and tribulations of grandpa and ladyboy #love #letters to grandpa #boyfriend

[dont-call-me-peanut]

We’ve got a long way to go, but baby, we’re gonna get there.

#dear grandpa

[dont-call-me-peanut]

[dont-call-me-peanut]

[dont-call-me-peanut]

The light falls, in bits and lines.

[dont-call-me-peanut]

Me: Is hard in my feels thinking about how in love I am with my boyfriend who is asleep right next to me and appreciating him for how wonderful he is. Also me: Sends him a text to wake up to in the morning telling him to wake me up by handcuffing me to the bedframe and doing whatever it is he wants to me

#boyfriend #love #nsfw #bedroom #sex #kink #bdsm