divinepassionflower

[divinepassionflower]

Thoughts on Love

The media's representation of love, of giving your heart away, is deeply flawed. If love resides in the heart, and I give mine to a single individual, then there is no love for my family, my friends, my community.

Instead I like to think of love as the warmth we share with others. I share that warmth with both of my parents, with both of my siblings, with their families... and with both my boyfriend and my husband. I share that warmth with my boyfriend's wife and daughter.

A heart is such a limited thing to share and can only be portioned out so much. But warmth? As long as I live I will have love to share.

#love #polyamory #poly relationship #polyamarous

[divinepassionflower]

Some things I wish people understood about pregnancy in light of the SCOTUS ruling overturning Roe v. Wade:

The primary definition of a parasite is 'an organism that lives in or on an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other's expense.'

The only part of that that doesn't apply to a fetus is the part where it's another species. Everything else fits.

Pregnant people lose iron to the fetus. Lose calcium as it builds its bones in the third trimester. Do you really think it's a coincidence that osteoporosis is so much higher among femme folks? While I haven't seen research confirming it, consider that our brains are 2/3 DHA (fat) and that when the fetus is growing its own brain it has to get DHA from somewhere. How many pregnant folks become forgetful and spacey while pregnant? Do you not see the correlation there?

It's just one of the reasons I fight so fiercely for abortion access. No one should have to go through pregnancy unwillingly.

#pregnancy #nutrition #supplements #abortion

[divinepassionflower]

Caged Birds

I finished reading Trevor Noah's Born a Crime a few weeks back. One line attributed to his mother has really stuck with me.

When he asked why his stepfather would choose to be with a woman like her when he wanted something different she replied that to him she was like an exotic bird. She was beautiful and free and he wanted to keep her in a cage for himself.

I have often wondered why my ex-husband wanted to be with me when I made it very clear from the start what I wanted my life to look like. I said I wanted to travel. I said I wanted to focus on my career. I said I wanted to continue my schooling. He seemed to agree with all of this right up until we got married. And then he wanted me 'pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen' so to speak. I was so confused.

Apparently that's not uncommon for abusive men. I'm glad I got out. I'm glad he didn't break me. I will not be caged.

[divinepassionflower]

Dances-through-flames

Or

How I Ended Up With a Follower

I have been blind since I was 13.

I was excited to be a Seer at first. There was prestige there. Mystery. Fascination. That evaporated in the agony of the heavy price paid for that 'sight'.

My world went dark and I only knew the morning by the rooster crow and the warmth of the sun on my face. I had to relearn Everything without the benefit of my eyes.

Ten years later when my tribe was wiped out and the warband treated my mentor and myself like spoils of war, I knew them by their smell, by the accent of their words and the heavy falls of their boots. I knew when my mentor had crossed a line and earned their wrath after no amount of hallucinogenic herbs could get her to speak their future. I could smell her blood in the air, practically taste it on my tongue. I was shoved against her, felt the slipperiness of her blood over my hands. Hot tears crawled across my cheeks and fell to mingle with her gaping wound. Useless.

"Tell them," she gasped to me. Her hands were like claws as they sought mine, bidding me dig down into her guts to read their fortunes there. She lead me, guided me, using her dying form with drugged detachment. Her words were whispered, intertwined with the unheard whisper of the stars.

I Saw. The cruel irony.

My jaw stretched open and my head fell back, seeming impossibly wide as I laughed like the depths of Hell opening up. I could not see their commander with my eyes, but I felt his presence and 'looked' at him. My mentor's voice and mine twined together eerily and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stir as though a cold breeze blew through the tent.

"You tarried too long in seeking us, in getting us to speak. Your future holds only Death now and it comes on the wingtips of the man you have sought to escape. You will Die and all your efforts will be for naught." My head fell back again and another unnatural laugh crawled from my throat.

I could hear the distant thunder of hoof beats preceded by a runner's footfalls.

"Commander! The enemy is upon us! We have to fight! Now!"

There was frantic sounds of movement and the tent was left empty except for my and my dying mentor.

"Get lost, Damiana. Before they can find you. Let the stars guide you from here." She took a deep breath and sighed a long sigh... and then I heard nothing else stir from her chest.

More tears leaked from my blind eyes. Useless. But I heard the unmistakable sounds of battle and the stars pulsed overhead. I felt like I could almost see them. Almost.

They drew me upwards like a marionette. I could feel the rhythm of hoof beats like drums, the wails and sighs of the wounded and fighting like songs. Tents were on fire and their heat guided me.

I raised my arms and just... danced.

Where the stars told me to twirl, I did. Where they bade my dip, I bowed low. Fire made a path on either side and guided my steps. At one point I saw a glimmer, a star, seen by mine own blind eyes. I reached out, grabbed it, took it in hand.

Holding this star I spun, dancing to the song of battle, to star song and the lyrics of the universe that screamed their notes through my veins.

And then the song began to ebb and pain took its place. The screaming lyrics of the universe were now truly screaming in my bones and their vastness was crushing. I began to buckle under the weight of it.

I don't remember much more besides pain and finally fitful sleep. When I awoke it was to songbirds and the smell of petrichor, the coolness of shade and a parched throat.

And the presence of another being near me. I scrambled to stand and hit my head. Explicatives tore from my lips. I felt the person grab my hand as they spoke.

"Mistress of the Martial Arts, for saving my life, I pledge to follow you for the rest of my days. Would you consent to teach me how to fight?"

Too fucking early for this nonsense. I laughed at the absurdity and then regretted it, pulling my hands from his and pressing them gently against my head. "Fuck, I'm so hung over. Do you have any water?"

I heard him move, but he said nothing. I tilted my head, but he remained silent. And my head hurt, so I was grumpy. "Well?" I said, a bit more rudely than intended.

"I'm pointing at it," he said, with equal heat.

I smiled with feigned excitement amd sarcasm and waved my hand before my face. "You must be more blind than I am! Or did you think I was just blinking?" Fuck, my head was throbbing. I heard his shock.

"So you're a blind drunken master?! By the gods, please, teach me!" At least he was finally passing me water. I laughed a loud belly laugh and sucked down water as though I might never get another drop. "Nah, I don't know anything about martial arts. I was just dancing to the tune of the stars."

I heard him shift as his voice rose. It hurt my head.

"Do you mean to tell me... that you were not only blind, but high as hell when you decided to waltz through a battlefield and TAKE ME WITH?! WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!" His hands grasped my shoulders and he shook me. I was already in pain from the hangover, but the shouting and the shaking really made it worse.

I shoved under his left arm, bent down, grabbed his left ankle and pulled. He lost his balance and went down hard and I felt no shame in bending him as far as he could bow. For good measure I grabbed his other leg as well, putting my weight on his chest by virtue of his bent frame.

"I may not know martial arts, but wrestling suits me well, as I have to maintain contact with my opponent." I glanced back to hear more and noted the brightness of something glimmering in my darkened vision. I hadn't seen so much as a spark since I went blind, but it was if a star had illuminated my night sky. I had to discover what it was, but for now, I could appease this man.

"I am a Seer, my faithful companion, and taking hallucinogenic herbs so that I may heed the wisdom of the stars is just something you're going to have to get used to." I eased up and let him breathe.

"You may call me Damiana. Damiana Dances-through-flames."

[divinepassionflower]

"... “I’m taking action because I feel desperate,” said U.S. climate scientist Peter Kalmus, who along with several others locked himself to the front door of a JPMorgan Chase building in Los Angeles. A recent report found that the financial giant is the biggest private funder of oil and gas initiatives in the world.

“It’s the 11th hour in terms of Earth breakdown, and I feel terrified for my kids, and terrified for humanity,” Kalmus continued. “World leaders are still expanding the fossil fuel industry as fast as they can, but this is insane. The science clearly indicates that everything we hold dear is at risk, including even civilization itself and the wonderful, beautiful, cosmically precious life on this planet. I actually don’t get how any scientist who understands this could possibly stay on the sidelines at this point.” ..."

[divinepassionflower]

Dances-through-flames

Or

How I Accidentally Became Indebted to a Lunatic

I got caught in the middle of a battle I had no place being in. I had just come to trade.

All of a sudden tents are going up in flames, people are screaming, horses are thundering by, chaos reigns. And in the middle of this I see a woman. She looks to be a martial artist, weaving between horses and flaming tents, dodging arrows and axes and swords...

She comes towards me, takes my hand and leads me in movements that help get both of us out of there. As we're leaving though, she doubles over in pain, gasping and mumbling incoherently.

I picked her up and carried her further away, finding a cave, starting a tiny fire, and checking for wounds. I found none, but she was still in pain and muttering nonsense. After a few hours she fell into slumber and we slept until daybreak.

Upon waking, she stood suddenly, in a rush, bonking her head on a low part of the cave and then cried out in pain. I knelt before her and took her hand in mine. Amid her muttered curse words I spoke up.

"Mistress of the Martial Arts, for saving my life, I pledge to follow you for the rest of my days. Would you consent to teach me how you fight?"

She paused for a long moment before she burst out laughing. It didn't last long before she was holding her head in her hands again. "Fuck, I'm so hung over. Do you have any water?"

Nonplussed, I pointed to my satchel. She didn't move more than just tilting her head slightly.

"Well?" She asked, almost rudely.

"I'm pointing at it," I responded in similar tone.

She made a sarcastic face and waved her hand in front of it. "You must be more blind than I am. Or did you just think I was blinking?"

I sputtered in awe. "So you're a blind drunken master! By the gods, please, teach me!" I reached over as I spoke and placed the water skin into her hands.

She laughed uproariously and then guzzled half the water skin. "Nah. I don't know anything about martial arts. I was just dancing to the tune of the stars."

I began to feel lightheaded as I digested this bit of information. My body rose of its own accord, my voice following suit.

"Do you mean to tell me... That you were not only blind, but high as hell when you decided to waltz through a battlefield and TAKE ME WITH?! WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!" I grasped her shoulders and shook her for emphasis.

The world within the cave spun and the next thing I knew my cheek was grinding into the dirt and I struggled to breathe as the woman pulled my ankles back towards my ears. As I gasped in pain I was dimly aware of her speaking.

"Now... I may not know martial arts, but being blind, I excel when it comes to wrestling because I maintain contact with my opponent." I wheezed out something in understanding. "I am a Seer, my faithful companion, and taking hallucinogenic herbs so that I may heed the wisdom of the stars is just something you're going to have to get used to." She let me up and I sucked in fresh air.

She considered a moment. "You may call me Damiana. Damiana Dances-through-flames."

And that's how I ended up on this wild ride.

[divinepassionflower]

Representation in Film

I love that more cultures are seeing themselves represented in film. Absolutely adore it. When I think of my own representation, I know anyone could point to my white bread ass and say, "Look at all that representation!"

But that never spoke to me. As a kid I felt broken. Scarred. Damaged. I couldn't explain that in words, or the reasons why because trauma was like a fist around my throat.

The closest I ever came as a kid was Mulan. I wanted my reflection to show how I felt. I wanted to be seen.

And then I saw a trailer for Shrek. The princess had my name. She looked like she kicked ass. I was so excited. I stood next to the cardboard cutout at the theater and was told we looked alike.

When I left the theater, I left feeling like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I felt betrayed. And I heard all the jokes. The teasing. Getting called an ogre. Being asked where Shrek was.

When I was little I didn't like my name. I told my mom I wanted to change it to Kira. It took me years to like it, and then years to relearn to like it again. And people have accused me of changing it to Fiona after Shrek came out.

I have to correct them, that I loathe that movies and all its offshoots with a passion.

Maybe someday I'll see a movie with that damaged and broken girl and I'll feel seen and represented, or maybe that's just too much for a kids film. I don't know. But I do know, fuck Shrek.

#Fiona #shrek #thanks i hate it

[divinepassionflower]

My brain, having a meltdown like a toddler: I just can’t do it! I don’t want to !! I can’t!! Me, parenting my tired toddler brain: Take a deep breath, it’s going to be ok. We don’t have to do everything today that’s overwhelming you. Let’s pick the most important thing to work on, ok? What’s the smallest step we can do to work towards that? My toddler brain, wiping away tears: Um, I think we should…open up the important spreadsheet and look at the first row. Me, parenting my tired toddler brain: Great! Let’s do that, and then we can have a popsicle, ok? My toddler brain: *nods through drying tears, upset, but cooperative*

[divinepassionflower]

[divinepassionflower]

Sadsis Times

I'm on my supplements, though I just realized I missed a dose. I'll take it once I'm done here.

I have a large chunk of money coming my way from an accident that I have no one to blame for but myself. And I do. A lot.

I feel like I fail the people around me constantly. I'm not patient enough, don't have enough energy, say the wrong thing. I feel like a never ending fuck-up.

I want to take that money and run away. No one needs or wants me and it will hurt everyone less.

I know I get told not to give these thoughts voice, but I have to put them somewhere so they stop rattling around in my head.

I'm struggling with my depression.

I know it will get better, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I'm sorry.

[divinepassionflower]

Flowers in my Head

I remember planning gardens for class. I would fill them with vegetables and berries, fruit trees and medicinal herbs. I wanted everything to have a use. I was willing to make one small concession of irises surrounding a fountain for my partner, as they were his favorite.

It's not that I don't like flowers. Some of them have medicinal uses, after all. I just didn't see the point.

Now...

Now.

In January my camilla blooms. Really it's kind of blioming most of the year, but in January it still blooms. Then the forsythia, early herald of spring. In its heels is the magnificent magnolia tree, soft fragrant petals that are there and then fall. When they rest on the ground the bluebells bloom. In rapid succession the rhododendrons flower, one after another, after another. There are four seperate bushes at my house, none blooming at the same time.

None of these I planted. But the rosemary I planted thrived and blooms almost all year round. My strawberries flower now and will bear fruit next month. And for the first time, this year I planted pansies for my birthday and a host of peonies, gladiolus, lavender, mint, and more. I planted flowers.

I watch the wheel of the world spin, marked by the colors of the leaves that turn, the flowers that bloom. Something always blooms at my place, and I love it. I grow flowers now for their beauty, for the way they help me mark the passage of the seasons. I let my flowers grow.

[divinepassionflower]

Tetalesti

For nearly thirty years his hands were around my throat, choking off my truth, stopping me from speaking about the damage he had done. For nearly three years I have worked to pry his fingers away, a bit at a time, slowly regaining the memories and sometimes the pain, but always the ability to rasp out a few more words.

I remember the first time now as well as the last. I have fought to get back into my head when it has kicked me out because the memories were too painful.

I told my brother.

I told my parents.

I can speak my truth now.

It is finished.

Now the next chapter of healing begins.

[divinepassionflower]

this tip tho!!!!!!!!

[divinepassionflower]

[divinepassionflower]

Pros of chubby gf

- soft

- nice hugs

- thigh pillows??? Tiddy pillows??

Cons of chubby gf

- none

Pros of skinny gf

- fits in ur arms rly nicely

- ur hoodies are too big on her which is beautiful

Cons of skinny gf

- none

Pros of muscled gf

- abs?? Biceps??? Please???

- strong gf pick me up pls

- most likely works out a lot which is hot

Cons of muscled gf

- none

[divinepassionflower]

[divinepassionflower]

new drinking game idea! if you see this post you legally have to drink some water. self-care time bitch. consider this a threat.