carmichael-psychology - Tumblr blog

carmichael-psychology · 3 years

Text

TOXIC POSITIVITY

Toxic positivity can sound like a confusing phrase at first: after all, positivity is supposed to be positive, right? However, just like even something as innocent and healthy-sounding as jogging can become toxic if taken to an extreme, so can positivity.

Taken to an extreme, positivity becomes toxic and deprives us of the motivation to make healthy changes that the awareness of a negative, uncomfortable reality would otherwise stimulate us to make. For example, a person with toxic positivity might return repeatedly to an abusive relationship "because I want to just focus on his positive aspects, and hold hope that he will change!". Or they might run up huge credit card bills on frivolous things because they’re "staying positive" about future earnings.

What to do if someone in your life is mired in toxic positivity?

If you feel someone in your life may be lapsing into toxic positivity to the point of denying important information such as allowing people to mistreat them and/or other self-sabotaging behaviors, you can try to share your perspective with them by telling them you are concerned their positivity may be verging on denial. Be gentle, and emphasize that you're mentioning this only because you care about them, and that you worry they may be setting themselves up for pain if they don't register certain signs of trouble.

Try to have at least three examples to share, since you’ll be raising a topic that has been in their “blind spot”. This will also help ensure you’re actually on to something real, rather than just glimpsing one moment of a person’s life and labeling them as toxically positive. Toxic positivity hinges on a lack of awareness of negative information, and examples can be a helpful, concrete way to increase awareness. It may also be helpful to raise the topic when the person is experiencing some sort of consequence of their toxic positivity since that’s when they might be more open to considering changes (like when their boyfriend is standing them up for the umpteenth time, you could provide a sympathetic ear and also take a moment to share your concern that it may be time to re-evaluate if this boyfriend really is such an angel, using a few examples from his past behavior).

However, you must remember that it's ultimately their life to live. If they become prickly or angry, it’s usually best to affirm that of course they know their own life best, and promise to back off from pushing your own ideas if they’d like. On the other hand, you don’t have to be stuck forever picking up the pieces of their toxically positive life-- next time they call for the hundredth “I can’t believe he stood me up again” consolation call, you could say something like,

“I’m so sorry this is happening, and you know my thoughts about the situation-- I think you deserve better, and I hate to see you suffer I’m not sure I’m the best person to encourage you in learning to tolerate this from him since my personal feeling is that it’s not a healthy choice for you-- but of course I understand you need to do whatever’s best for you.”

What if you’re toxically positive?

If you know you have a tendency for toxic positivity, consider asking a trusted friend or therapist to help you understand the underlying issue. For example:

Are you afraid of conflict?

Do you lack confidence in your problem-solving skills?

Do you have a belief that certain emotions like anger are “bad” rather than recognizing that anger is often a healthy indicator that someone may be violating our boundaries?

Understanding why you're doing this will help you to grow whatever skills you need in order to change. Also, ask your therapist (if you have one) or trusted friends to feel empowered to alert when they notice you going into toxic positivity, since getting real-time feedback can be helpful when dealing with blind spots. As explained in the earlier section on how to help a friend who is toxically positive, friends are often hesitant to mention toxically positive patterns to others, since many people bristle at the suggestion that they might be “missing something”. Let others in your life know that you're aware of the issue and you want their feedback!

Journaling can also be a great way to build awareness of things we’d otherwise push to the side. Forcing yourself to journal every day for at least five minutes will help nudge you towards registering the good and the bad in life. For example, if you’re the person who is toxically positive about their boyfriend, seeing a whole notebook full of examples of when they stood you up or otherwise mistreated you can make it harder to deny or “forget” about those incidents.

Conclusion

Many people block out uncomfortable feelings because they don't know how to deal with them, or understand their value. My book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, helps to change this by showing the benefits of confronting stressors in a healthy way rather than stuffing them down; and my book on dating (Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating) is designed to help people keep healthy boundaries. Whatever path you choose to take, feel free to share your journey with me by posting comments or questions to me on social media-- I became a psychologist because I love to connect with people, and I always love hearing from readers of my books or blogs!

#toxic positivity #optimist #wellness

1 note · View note

carmichael-psychology · 3 years

Photo

How to HALT Any Bad Habits

Bad habits can be hard to kick. We all probably know the old saying that it takes twice as long to break a habit as it does to form one, so it isn’t surprising that having bad habits ingrained in our daily life can be pretty common!

If you’re ready to stop those bad habits that are affecting your personal (and professional) life, then there is an important acronym you need to know: HALT! When we are experiencing HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired, we are most vulnerable to turning to bad habits. First, I want to explain why each item is included in our acronym, and then give you a tip to help recognize these issues and prevent the return to bad habits.

HUNGRY

Did you know that the gut actually manufactures 95% of the serotonin in our body? When we are stressed or struggling in some way, turning to food can be truly comforting!

If we aren’t organized with our meals as well, sitting down and eating something can actually feel like a productive accomplishment. Our hunger can encourage any bad habits we might want to turn to relating to food.

ANGRY

When we are trying to break habits, I have observed that sometimes people will actually turn back to an old habit (like texting an ex, impulse spending on items you really don’t need, or having that extra glass of wine).

When we experience anger, we sometimes do these things to punctuate our emotions and show to others (and ourselves) that this is a big deal to us. By turning to old habits, we are effectively saying “Wow, I feel really provoked by this emotion/event, so I’m going to show it by doing XYZ.”

LONELY

Many bad habits can actually revolve around connections and relationships. Think about it-bad drinking habits can be encouraged by drinking buddies, smoking can be encouraged by our co-workers all taking a smoke break together in the front of the building, and addictive relationships can become so toxic because two people can’t say no to each other.

Loneliness can be a hot button emotion when it comes to bad habits, because we can often find some sort of connectivity and community around our habits.

TIRED

When we are tired, our coping skills are weaker, our mind is fatigued, and our mindfulness skills are dulled. Because of this, we can be less self aware, and self awareness is key to changing our behavior.

If you find yourself having an urge to either participate in a bad habit or revisit an old one, I recommend taking a deep breath (you can find my tutorial on how to do a three part breath linked here). Take a big breath, scan your mental state and your body, and ask yourself: am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired right now?

If you are, try to think about what you might do to solve that. If you feel hungry, maybe try your hand at the new, healthy recipe you have bookmarked, or if you feel lonely, maybe that's a cue it’s time for a game night with your friend!

Even if you feel very focused on doing the bad habit, it might be good to ask yourself hypothetically: if I was feeling hungry, angry, tired, or lonely, what actions could I take to manage that emotion and step away from this habit? Thinking like this can help us prepare for future emotional states, and provides us with options we can turn to in the future.

Having an understanding and awareness of HALT can be key to identifying stressors that lead us to bad habits, and ultimately creating a healthier and more enjoyable life for ourselves!

#anger #Anger Management #habit #bad habits

1 note · View note

carmichael-psychology · 3 years

Photo

7 Things to Let Go of This Year

Baggage weighing you down? Start the new year light as a feather.

What if you had made that one career move you’ve always wondered about? Spoken up more at last week’s meeting? Been less critical on that first date? Waited for him to initiate the relationship talk?

Like many people, you may be familiar with several nagging what-ifs. Sometimes, they may even seem to run like a soundtrack through the back of your mind, never letting you fully relax into your true self.

It’s time to let them go — now, for 2021. To help you, I’m blogging on the top things that I find hold my clients back, sharing powerful techniques to help you break through your roadblocks in your career and your relationships so you can hit the ground running in the new year.

So, here’s what you should let go of in 2021…

CAREER

1. Grudges at the Office Your office may be full of opportunities to get ahead, but conflicts can hold you back. Try to let go of even the biggest grudges. However, if the grudge arose due to a serious violation of your trust, you may want to ensure you maintain better boundaries with the person as you move forward.

For example, if you’re holding a grudge because someone forgot your birthday last year, it’s time to forgive and forget. On the other hand, if you’re holding a grudge because someone stole one of your ideas and presented it as their own, then perhaps a cordial-yet-reserved approach will serve you best.

In either case, remember that it takes more energy to maintain anger than to find peace…. with the caveat that you don’t let yourself become a doormat.

2. A Fear of Exploring All Your Career Options If you’ve secretly been daydreaming about going to grad school or changing jobs for a while now, it’s time to tackle your career options head-on.

You can start small, by challenging yourself to browse LinkedIn job profiles and let yourself mentally “try them on for size.” If you feel inspired, you can take it a step further by messaging certain people to see if they’d give you an informational interview.

To take it even further, ask a coach, head hunter, or your alumni career services center to review your resume… and whenever you feel ready, just hit “send” on a few application buttons!

Keeping a proactive mindset where you recognize the myriad options available will help boost your confidence and increase your sense of control.

3. The Idea That Certain Traits Can’t Be Changed Have you “always” had a fear of public speaking? “Always” been late? Has this caused you to believe there’s just “something in your blood” that makes you this way? Research suggests it may be beneficial to you to reconsider this belief.

Psychologists have long studied “Entity” and “Incremental” mindsets (Dweck, 1999). In the “entity” mindset, people believe that their characteristics are simply part of them as an entity rather than nuanced qualities that can change and grow over time; whereas in the “incremental” mindset people feel these qualities can be developed. Research shows that people with the entity mindset are less likely to try self-improvement, since they don’t believe it’s possible—yet studies also show that people are actually able to build or develop many different traits.

The bottom line is that if you want to change a lifelong pattern of being late or fearing public speaking, you’re better off saying, “I’ve always been afraid of X, but I’m now interested in building some skills to change that.” It may seem subtle, but this slight reframing can be powerful!

4. A Potentially Outdated Professional Image If your personal style is stuck in the last decade, it could be compromising your success. Is it time to invest in yourself?

As a psychologist, I often think of a person’s clothing and grooming as an extended form of body language. The way we dress and groom reflects self-care, and it often relates to self-esteem. It actually also pertains to our sense of empathy—by dressing appropriately for whatever circumstance we’re in, we signal awareness of the situation to those around us.

If you’ve been reluctant to invest in your professional image because it seems frivolous, remember that it’s an investment in your career and yourself. If your concerns are financial, consider thrift stores… when I was first starting my practice many years ago as a recent graduate student on a shoestring budget, I actually bought most of my professional wardrobe on eBay. If you need help, try creating or browsing Pinterest boards of looks you like or ask a friend with style to help. Once you know the basic pieces you need, finding them on thrift is much easier to do.

RELATIONSHIPS

5. Exclusively Dating Before an Actual Commitment Many people are so focused on building a solid, exclusive relationship that they jump right into exclusivity before it’s even been discussed. While this may feel good in the short term, it can lead to heartache down the road: When you become “exclusive by default” without ever having clarity that your partner is doing the same, you put yourself at risk of becoming more attached to someone who may not be ready for the relationship you’re imagining.

Even if your partner does express a desire for exclusivity, it’s important to understand why they want it before you agree. For example, they may just enjoy monogamous sex or the convenience of a steady date on Saturday nights… whereas perhaps you’re viewing exclusivity as a step towards potentially getting engaged, marrying, and having kids. Do you now see why it’s important to not only understand that you are exclusive, but also why you’re exclusive?

If putting a fine point on the reason for exclusivity before you’ll agree to it feels intimidating, read the next tip.

6. Hiding Your Desire for a Long-Term Relationship Do you sometimes pretend you don’t want a long-term relationship that badly so that you won’t come off as desperate? Here’s why you shouldn’t.

If acknowledging a desire for a long-term relationship (perhaps one that has the potential for marriage if that’s your goal) worries you because you’re afraid it will “scare people away,” then you may want to consider that ridding yourself of people who’d be “scared” or “turned off” by this would actually be a good thing for you. Why waste your time with people who aren’t even on the same page as you in terms of relationship goals?

If you’re afraid it will seem desperate to acknowledge your desires, remember that you’re actually the one who is rejecting dates who don’t share your standards of seeking a long term relationship. This is the opposite of desperate: You’re actually being choosy by refusing to commit unless someone can give you a good reason that matches your goals.

7. Not Dating When You Actually Want a Relationship Sometimes, we can get stuck on dating because we think it’s supposed to “just happen naturally.” This is fine, if it’s working for you… but if you haven’t dated in months and you’d actually like to have a partner, you may want to be a bit more proactive. There’s no shame in taking steps towards your goal, such as signing up for a few dating sites and/or other strategies to find dates (my dating book is full of those, by the way). Sometimes, just giving yourself permission to claim your goal rather than pretending it’s not important is all we need to get moving in a positive direction.

CONCLUSION

Whether you’re seeking to move forward from old habits in your work or personal life, the new year can be a great time to find inspiration. New beginnings, clean slates, and fresh starts abound this time of year. Even if you try a new approach that doesn’t take you exactly where you wanted, at least you’re still being proactive and learning more about how to tweak your future approaches. The key is to stay engaged and remember that you’re in control. Give yourself a chance by identifying what you’d like to improve, and then taking your best shot!

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 3 years

Text

How to Stay Sane During Pandemic Holidays

Tips and tools for making the most out of this holiday season!

The holidays are a time for celebration and togetherness, but they can also be a time of increased stress. This holiday season, we are dealing with extra challenges, as COVID issues may prevent many of us from celebrating together in our normal way.

The good news is that these challenges don’t need to derail our holidays, and they may even represent an opportunity for increased closeness or changes that we’ll ultimately value! In this two-part blog series, I will dive into tips and suggestions for how you can stay centered, build new rituals, and honor different family boundaries. Here are three tips to help you reframe and enjoy the holidays.

1. Give yourself permission to grieve, and don’t be afraid to name the problem.

Before we can talk too much about how to make the best of the holidays in COVID, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the fact that this year is different. Give yourself the opportunity to grieve what you’re missing this year. I encourage you not to focus on the differences this year but don’t deny how the changes make you feel.

The current changes can help us value next year more—it’s just like the old saying, “Absence makes the heart fonder!” Fully acknowledge the way the changes this year make you feel without giving in to them. Acknowledging our pain and frustration this new year can also help teach our children resilience as we forge ahead anyway.

Be clear about what’s frustrating to you and your families. Give yourself the chance to mourn and vent, which can set you up to bond together with loved ones!

Action item: Journaling or talking with others can help you get out of your own head! High-functioning individuals are sometimes so good at staying strong that they don’t realize there is constructive value in just naming and addressing the sadness, frustration, or whatever else they may be feeling.

2. Stay centered by giving yourself a one-word theme.

Giving yourself a one-word theme can make it easy to center yourself and snap back to how you want to frame the new holiday situation. Running each problem, situation, and moment through that word can help us stay centered and remember what we want to focus on this holiday season!

For example, if you choose “kindness” as your one-word theme, remind yourself to be kind during each unexpected bump in the road in planning the holidays.

Choose whatever word or concept resonates with you: High-functioning individuals often know where they need to focus based on their intuition, but each person and situation is different.

Action item: Pick a good one-word theme for you and practice framing your life with it! Words like grace, strength, generosity, self-care, ancestors/resilience, role model, storytelling, and more. Put reminders of your word in different places in your physical space to build the habit of refocusing on it.

3. Decorate your space.

Decorating your home is a behavioral way to mark the holiday; plus, it’s a visual reminder of a wonderful thing you have accomplished! Mark off time to decorate, and make it as special as you can: You could even consider (if you’re comfortable) inviting family members to participate.

Engage all five senses in your decorating. You could light a candle, make a holiday snack, and mentally frame this as an important nourishing ritual to celebrate your holiday. Your space can reinforce your sense of identity: Your space can represent who you are and can even help to build your self-esteem.

Along with creating a space that you feel represents who you are, it can also come to stimulate good memories of decorating! This can spark authentic and moving conversations about the importance and significance of the rituals we maintain.

Action item: Have each family member, roommate, or friend pick a room or decoration item. You can decide to split rooms into themes or stick to a common theme for the house! Spend quality time engaging all five senses with your loved ones and create a nourishing and celebratory space for yourself.

4. Finally, give yourself permission to enjoy the silver linings.

I know I said I was only going to give three tips, but this one is too good not to include. One way you can offset the challenges of our new world is by giving yourself permission to enjoy the silver linings. You might feel that it’s wrong or selfish to be happy during a pandemic. I urge you to remember that the better and more balanced you are, the better a resource you’ll be to others.

Action item: Identify your silver linings. Are you excited to save money by not traveling or buying extra gifts for people? Are you relieved to skip seeing relatives you don’t get along with? Or maybe this holiday season will feel less hectic and more calm than others. Make a list of the things that could be considered silver linings this year.

Celebrating the holidays this year will inevitably look a little different, and that’s OK! If we are open to building new traditions, we can create new memories and bring ourselves even closer to our loved ones.

One of the biggest obstacles of the holidays this year is navigating and negotiating celebrating with those who have different boundaries than us regarding COVID. Stay tuned for the second part of this blog for my tips on how to stay connected with family and friends while respecting everyone’s comfort levels!

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Link

You can check out my vlog about The Ultimate Guide to Breakups here!

youtube

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Link

You can check out my vlog about anger management here!

youtube

#angermanagement #passive aggression

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

Harness the Power of Silence in 5 Easy Steps

As a yoga teacher-turned-psychologist, I’ve always been amazed at the overlap between psychology and yoga, specifically in mindfulness and in silence. One yogic practice that I find fantastic as a psychologist is intentional and compassionate silence. Whether you are in a relationship or currently single and living alone, you might feel some sort of pressure to always answer the phone, constantly make small talk with a partner, or always have “something interesting” to say. Intentional silence is a great way to combat this pressure, and can just be a fun way to deepen your relationships and play around with nonverbal communication!

Intentional and compassionate silence is time you and your partner will hold, or you will hold for yourself, to be intentionally quiet. Here are some guidelines for defining a period of silence!

Be Intentional: Intentional and compassionate silence is just that: intentional! This allotted time should not be a time when you happen to be quiet, but when you choose to be quiet

Have a Gameplan: Define how long your intentional quiet will last: 10 minutes, 10 hours, or some time in between? Decide before you begin, and communicate clearly with your partner.

Define Rules: Establish what rules you will follow. Will physical contact be allowed? How about non verbal hand gestures? You could even consider creating a music schedule: who will be in charge of music?

WFH: Consider how you will take work calls if you work from home. Will you designate a specific room or space for such calls?

Enjoy Yourself! How will you use this silent time? Journaling, watching TV, or practicing mindfulness are all great ways to spend intentional silence, so choose to spend this time how you want to!

If you are living alone, it is vital to remember that this quiet is designated and chosen by you! It can feel quite different to have quiet time where you are deliberately not answering phone calls, as opposed to having quiet time because no one happens to be calling. Remember that taking care of yourself is important: you are not responsible for being constantly available to other people, because they might assume you have no other obligations. It’s okay to have an obligation to yourself! Take this time of quiet to hold space for yourself.

Remember to know and define your own boundaries. Intentional silence might feel uncomfortable at times, but you are in control of setting your own ground rules, and defining what this time will look like for you. Once you can set your boundaries and define your ground rules, you will be able to relax into the silence. I hope you can use these guidelines as a way to jumpstart your own plans for intentional and compassionate silence, and use the time as a way to relieve pressure and take care of yourself!

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

#quarantine #mindfulness #relationship

1 note · View note

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

Coping with Quarantine Life: 4 Simple Tips from a Clinical Psychologist!

Quarantine life has been called “the new normal” over the past couple of months. Although it may be “normal” in the sense that it’s become common, it is understandably not feeling at all normal to us in terms of our wellbeing: in fact, quarantine life can pose some very unique challenges. While I can’t take that stress away, as a clinical psychologist I can offer some practical tips to handle quarantine life from a cognitive, behavioral, and emotional perspective. Some of the tips I offer will be exercises or other behaviors you can try, and some of them will be just simple ideas on perspectives that may be helpful. Many of the ideas and exercises will actually be helpful to you even after quarantine, so take heart in knowing you’re increasing your proverbial toolbox in ways that will be useful even when COVID19 is a thing of the past, at least in terms of pandemic levels. If you’re open to ideas on personal growth, then you’ve come to the right place!

Let’s start by remembering that each person is in a slightly different situation, and each person has slightly different needs. This means that you may find some of the ideas here to be really helpful, and some of them not-- of course I encourage you to take what works for you and leave the rest. Take comfort in knowing that the act of viewing some options and choosing the best ideas for yourself is actually part of a healthy process of self-efficacy and self-care, where you are getting in touch with your own needs and deliberately choosing whatever techniques seem best for you. Without further ado, here are some tips to consider.

1. Let yourself chill: Many of us feel a responsibility to use our quarantine time to tackle projects. If you feel revved up to do this, good for you! By all means do it. On the other hand, if you find yourself wanting to sleep more, sometimes just sit quietly and let yourself idle, or do other things that might seem less productive on the surface, give yourself some latitude-- you might actually be “doing” more than you realize. Quarantine life can stimulate us to think about big topics, consciously or unconsciously (things like our sense of connection to others, mortality fears for our parents, and financial issues, to name a few). When the mind is processing all these things “in the background”, plus adjusting to a big change in routine, it is normal and oftentimes HEALTHY to allow some time for your mind to settle itself without any pressure to jump into projects. In fact, many studies have shown that creativity often spikes just after a moment of boredom or mental idle time. While it can sometimes be good to push yourself to take the first step on projects since the first step is often the hardest, it can also be wise to listen to yourself if you feel a strong pull to just watch the proverbial paint dry for a bit.

2. The Zone of Control: If you find your mind is brimming with concerns, a good first step is often to sort those concerns out into two major categories: The items you CAN control, and the items you CANNOT control. When our mind is full of concerns, we often feel a sense of anxiety-- remember that the HEALTHY function of anxiety is actually to stimulate preparatory behaviors. That’s why we can feel jittery or get some extra adrenaline, sweaty palms, or a restless feeling from anxiety.

This might sound weird, but it can be helpful to frame the extra adrenaline and nerves we sometimes feel from anxiety as mother nature’s GIFT of extra energy to help us take healthy action around our stressors. That’s why it’s important not to waste the energy on things we can’t even control. For example, stressing yourself out regarding whether your parents will get COVID is mainly beyond your control so you might want to tell yourself compassionately to focus yourself instead on things you CAN control, such as giving them extra phone calls and nice notes in the mail to express your love for them. Another example would be stressing about when lockdown will end: We can’t control when lockdown will end, so stressing about that question can be counterproductive-- but we CAN control how we’ll spend our lockdown time, potentially building healthy routines including meditation or even a brief 5-minute burst of physical exercise every morning that will benefit us even after quarantine life is finally over! We can also control how we self-soothe the stress we feel about lockdown. Keep reading to learn more!

3. Journal: Journaling is a super convenient way to pay attention to yourself. Many times, anxiety or other forms of mental stress are really craving attention-- and if we block them out or refuse to listen, the anxiety can fester or start intensifying so that it can grab your attention. Not listening to our feelings can also lead to feelings of numbness since we have disconnected from ourselves. The good news is that journaling will often help restore your connection with yourself, or allow you to build on your connection in a positive way. Many psychologists believe that part of the reason humans evolved into such intelligent beings with such sophisticated societies is because we have the gift of language, which allows us to observe and develop our thoughts. A good way to take advantage of this gift is to journal. If you find yourself feeling blank, just challenge yourself to fill up a half-page every day, even if it’s simply you writing down that you don’t know what to say-- that in itself is actually part of you getting in touch with yourself and putting your experience into words. If journaling stirs up some heavy or uncomfortable feelings, please thank yourself for journaling to get clarity on them-- remember that journaling did not CREATE these feelings, it just helped you see what they are so that you can potentially talk to a trusted person and get support with what you’re feeling. Oftentimes, the simple act of sharing with another person helps to increase comfort levels because it’s a behavioral signal to yourself that you’re not shouldering the challenge totally alone, and sometimes it even sparks creative discussion around how to handle the feelings or challenges Speaking of support:

4. Lean on others-- it will help them too!: Many people are hesitant to call a friend or family member and ask to talk about challenges they’re having, because they’re afraid it will be a burden. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that actually, psychology studies show that asking others for support tends to make people feel special and valued, because you are recognizing them as an intelligent and sensitive person. So, if you try the Zone of Control exercise above and discover that you’re overwhelmed with things you can’t control, or if you journal and get in touch with some difficult feelings, consider asking a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to review the material with you. You may be surprised to see that adding a fresh perspective helps bring new ideas to manage challenges-- or even just experiencing a supportive conversation where you see clearly that you’re not alone can be extremely helpful.

Conclusion: The stressors we encounter in life are much less important than how we handle them. This is why some people who have extreme challenges of third-world poverty or terminal illness are somehow still able to find happiness and joy; while others who have endless resources may struggle to find happiness. The key takeaway here is that although COVID19 and quarantine life are tremendously challenging, our coping strategies are a huge part of what will shape how much these stressors actually impact us emotionally. So, please do yourself a favor and make sure you are getting lots of support. In fact, I’m offering a FREE livestream event with more of my favorite coping strategies, I hope you will CLICK HERE to join me!

Dr. Chloe will be holding a FREE live stream on May 29 at 2:00 pm EST, sharing her expert techniques and advice for Coping with COVID!

#covid19 #stress #anxiety #quarantine #newnormal

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

Part 2: How to Deal with Toxic People

In Part 1 of this blog series on toxic people, I outlined how to see when you may have a toxic person in your life. If you think you may have one, please know that you have the power to set boundaries for your own wellbeing! To keep it simple, you can use the acronym TOXIC to remember a list of options you might consider.

T.O.X.I.C.:

Table it: While certain things might automatically mean “canceling” a person (such as physical violence), other things might be harder to judge, especially if they seem out of character for the person. You always have the option of just cataloguing your observation to see if a pattern forms.

Out: You always, always, always have the option to get OUT.

eXamine yourself: Sometimes, it’s helpful to reflect on what underlying reasons may be driving you to remain in a toxic relationship. Do you feel the person “just couldn’t survive without you”? If the person really truly couldn’t survive, then by all means please call 911 to get them the help they truly need…. but don’t become their beast of burden.

Invite the person to discuss with you: Sometimes, we just need to learn how to express ourselves. Molehills become mountains, and lables like “toxic” or “narcissist” start getting applied, when all that’s really needed is a frank discussion and/or some firm limit-setting.

Chat with your support network: If you feel stuck in the middle, stuck in your head, or just plain stuck, then consider chatting with a trusted friend, advisor, coach, clergyperson, therapist, family member, or someone who can listen, give you feedback, or offer support in some other way.

If you’re not sure whether or not a person is really “toxic” or not, please know that it isn’t really an official clinical term. It’s just a term commonly used in everyday colloquial English to describe an intensely negative view of a person, in a way that suggests any sort of connection with that person could be harmful. To see more about what might be considered toxic behavior, click here to see my blog about THE 3 CATEGORIES OF TOXIC PEOPLE!

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

How To Deal With Toxic People (And Why You Really Need To)

In an ideal world, all of the people in your life would be helpful resources, willingly by your side to provide support, add joy, and keep you balanced. But let’s face it: We don’t live in an ideal world (if we did, I’d probably be out of a job!). Most of us will encounter at least one person in our day-to-day at some point in our lives who does the opposite. Someone who drains your energy, undermines you, puts you down. I’ve recently been asked to speak about the topic of “toxic people” by FOX5 here in New York, and while “toxic people” isn’t a clinical term… I think I sort of knew what they meant. Toxic people chip away at your mental health and overall wellbeing, and the longer they’re in your life, the more damaging their emotional footprint can be.

Here’s the good news: You don’t need to tolerate behavior you find unacceptable! In fact, it is not only your right but your responsibility to limit their role in your life or remove them from it entirely. If you’re labeling someone or something as “toxic”, it’s part of your duty of self-care to manage the situation carefully. Plus, keeping someone around whom you actually dislike because you’re “too nice” to be truthful with them or at least quit engaging with them isn’t doing them any favors, either: Letting the toxic dynamic continue without giving them feedback will only encourage them to pursue and maintain unhealthy relationships with others. Plus, it can be seen as a form passive aggression on your part if you consciously allow someone you actively dislike to continue becoming more vulnerable to you as they mistakenly persist in a misapprehension that you’re friends. So whether you’re dealing with a sorta-toxic coworker or a so-toxic-it’s-traumatic partner, a “frenemie” friend… or even a toxic family member, here’s a guide to help.

1. Identify the problem.

This sounds like such a “duh!” step, but it’s one we tend to skip because it requires getting very real. First, you have to finally acknowledge the source of toxicity. This person can be a friend, a romantic partner, a relative, a colleague—no one’s off limits. And there’s a spectrum, which I like to break into three levels:

Level 0: The NON-toxic person. This is someone whom you may be accidentally mis-labeling as toxic. They may just have different values, beliefs, communication styles, or expectations than you. This person may even be a little intrusive or annoying, but this person is actually NOT really a “toxic person”. You’re just regarding them as toxic because you haven’t figured out how to set limits or communicate your needs with them. (Examples: A friend who always brings you down by constantly complaining about everything, yet you’ve never said to the friend, “Hey would you mind if we focus on the positives today? I’m trying to keep on the bright side here!” Or a friend who “bothers” you by calling waaay too often, yet you just keep blithely answering all their calls and carrying on unbearably mundane phone conversations without ever mentioning that you’re actually not a lover of long phone chats– how are they to know if you’ve never told them?)

Level 1: Mildly Toxic. Someone who is basically harmless, but who regularly uses energy-draining interpersonal antics: They may have a markedly dismissive attitude, regularly make snide remarks, pester you to do (generally harmless) things like meet for coffee even when you’ve made it clear you’d rather not, constantly try to “one-up” you, or place unreasonable demands on your time (or money). You’ve tried having heart-to-hearts to see if you can agree on a more respectful way of relating, but the person just becomes angry, refuses to take any ownership, or seems like they “get it” but then continues the same pattern without any actual willingness to continue working on it.

In my experience, all of us are likely to encounter at least one person like this in our lifetime. If you’re anxious about setting limits, try to think of this as a “training ground” opportunity, since learning to set basic limits is an important life skill. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and yes the person might get a little upset- but that’s their right, and learning to express yourself in an assertive-yet-courteous way will take you far in life.

Level 2: Toxic This moving beyond the Level 1 behaviors by violating boundaries in a more intense way. Someone who threatens to end the relationship whenever they don’t get their way, text-bombs you with angry and disrespectful messages over relatively little things (think ten text messages in an hour), or who finds other ways of objectively sabotaging your well-being (such as pressuring you to drink more than you’d like, or belittling your goals and ambitions) would be traversing from Level 1 to Level 2. They may ironically flip things around on you as well, such as playing the victim and lamenting that you have “thrown their friendship away” when actually all you’ve done is decline to respond to their abusive text message telling you they were “done with you”.

Such a person may also call you names when they’re angry, or say nasty things about your appearance; or disrespect your time or property (such as being unavailable to return items they’ve borrowed, constantly canceling or delaying plans moments before or even during the time you were supposed to meet, acting entitled to stay at your apartment or visit with you whenever they’re in town or it’s convenient for them even if you’ve explained it’s not a good weekend; or pressuring you to spend money on entertainment you’ve explained you can’t really afford).

Level 3: REALLY Toxic. Being physically abusive, stealing from you, verbally threatening you, or doing other things that are so intense they’re actually oftentimes against the law to do to another person. This category is actually the shortest and simplest to describe, since there’s really no “grey area” about these things– they’re clearly easy to recognize as 100% toxic.

Moving forward from a Toxic Person

Once you’ve ID’d the problem, the next step is to consider why you’ve allowed this toxicity to exist in your life. Oftentimes, we keep toxic people around because they’ve been in our lives for so long, it feels like our only option is to accept their behavior and make peace with it (for the sake of your history together). Other times, we let them bully us, physically or emotionally, because we’re too scared to speak up or don’t know how to set and enforce boundaries. And other times still, we almost like the toxicity or drama, because it’s become something we’re used to and we prefer familiarity over the unknown.

Repeat after me: None of these are good enough reasons to keep a toxic person around. Ready to set some boundaries? Read on!

2.Take action!

The best way to know if someone who you think is toxic is actually toxic—as in, unwilling to fix their behavior in order to improve the relationship—is to give them a real chance to change their behavior. Initiate a chat about what’s been going on—if they only respond with more toxicity from the get-go, that can actually help give you the clarity you need to move forward (possibly without them!).

Many of the clients in my practice are dealing with non-toxic or just mildly toxic behaviors, and honestly I think those can ironically be some of the most difficult to navigate— when someone is clearly being abusive, it’s actually easier to cut them out of your life. On the other hand, when someone is just a little manipulative or a “drama queen”, more nuanced strategies are sometimes helpful. Here are a few to get you started:

For a friendship you’ve outgrown: “I feel like things have changed in my life since when we first met many years ago, and I’m no longer interested in X. If you want to change with me, awesome. If not, I just want you to understand why there might be some distance as we move forward and possibly grow apart.”

For someone who seems constantly down on you: “For all of the negative things you say to me these days, I’m starting to wonder if you really get that much pleasure from hanging out with me; and honestly it doesn’t feel great to me either, since you seem to disagree with so many basic things about me. You have a right to your opinion on my hair/ weight/ job/ life, but I’m just not sure it’s healthy for either of us to continue spending so much time together if you find so many things about me to be so bothersome to you, especially since the things that bother you are not things I have any plan or interest in changing… and even if I did, I still wouldn’t appreciate feeling like it’s always open-season for commentary about my issues.”

For someone who constantly guilts you for not being able to spend as much time together as they’d like: “I really value all of our memories together and I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations as they are now. There’s nothing wrong with what you seem to want in terms of a friend who is always able to return same-day texts and visit on a weekly basis, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone like me who is only open for less frequent contact for whatever reason. Could we talk about what we both seem to need and then see if we still think this makes sense for both of us? No hard feelings either way, I just think it’s best if we can be open with each other about whatever the situation is.”

For Level 2 toxic behaviors: Remember: You always have the right to end a relationship. But if you’d like to try setting some firmer limits instead of ending the relationship, you might try something like,

“I need to talk with you about something important: I’ve realized that I’ve allowed certain things to happen in our relationship that are actually really unhealthy for me, and I want you to know I’ve realized it’s my responsibility to stop allowing those things if I find them unacceptable. I may never have told you this, but when you do X it affects me in the following way: ______. So, next time X happens, I will (end our visit, block your texts for a while, stop chasing after you, put some distance between us, or whatever response seems logical– if you need help thinking of what’s logical, feel free to ask a trusted friend, therapist, or coach!).

For a Level 3 toxic person: In many cases, it’s best to cut off contact with someone like this– and please remember you always have the option to do this if you wish, no matter whom the person is– but in situations such as an adult child or a family member who is struggling with addiction, we may sometimes decide that we’d prefer to learn hard boundaries instead (ie “You can stay in my life and we can interact when you’re sober, but if you steal from me I will call the police; and if you call me any names whatsoever our visit will end immediately.” or “I’ll visit with you, but only when someone else I trust is present; and if you become physically aggressive I will call the police.”). Please seek a professional or call 911 if you need help at any point!

Many people in my office fear conversations like the ones above because they’re afraid of upsetting the person. They often feel better when they remember that actually, if the toxic person gets really mad and ends the relationship, guess what? They just made things easier on you. I know it’s tough, but at least you’ve freed yourself from the toxicity—and the charade of a healthy relationship. You’ve now made more time for all the other genuine and healthy connections in your life—go, you!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay, Dr. Chloe, it’s not always that simple. What do I do if the toxic person is someone I can’t cut out—like, you know, my mother-in-law?” And that’s a great Q. First, be sure to schedule in some time for self-love whenever you have to be around that person, since being around crazy can make you feel kinda crazy (you know what I mean). Try scheduling a massage or dinner with your best friends to happen shortly after the visit, since they’ll help keep you grounded and give you a chance to unpack whatever happened.

Would you like to learn more about my acronym T.O.X.I.C., which offers steps to set limits with toxic people? Check out Part 2 of this series on How to Deal with Toxic People!

Would you like to learn more about setting boundaries, especially with people you feel you can’t cut out of your life? Check out my blog on surviving the holidays with your family… even if it’s not the holidays, and even if the people you need to set limits with aren’t family, the tips in this blog will work all year ‘round!

How to Survive the Holiday Season With Your Family

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

#toxicity #problemhandling #stress

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

Therapy and Coaching for Singles

Dr. Chloe has worked successfully with single men and women who are searching for a partner. Common issues include struggling with a breakup, trying to begin dating more, or learning how to set boundaries. These issues are normal. Having a fulfilling romantic relationship is an extremely healthy and rewarding part of life. If you are experiencing challenges here, please don’t be hard on yourself.Sessions for singles will focus on defining the type of relationship you want, as well as discussing strategies to obtain it. Sessions will also help you to understand insecurities or old patterns that seem to be holding you back, and help you to move forward.

Congratulate yourself for recognizing that you have the normal and healthy wish to be in a partnership, and give yourself the support you need to make it happen. Working with Dr. Chloe will help you to gain perspective and build confidence in a supportive atmosphere so that you can move forward in your search for a partner. Dr. Chloe offers therapy and coaching for singles by Skype or in Manhattan, NYC. To read more about Dr. Chloe and singles, click here for her blog entry on singles.

You may also be interested in the Relationships Group!

Dr. Chloe also has 14 days of FREE Dating tips, a series that is meant to help you make your dating life more enjoyable.

Dr. Chloe has a great deal of experience helping clients to get over breakups. Working through a breakup involves getting through the immediate sadness and disappointment, as well as developing an understanding of any relationship patterns that might have contributed to the breakup. Dr. Chloe will help you to work through the breakup in a way that prepares you to move forward in dating so that you can find a relationship that will last. To learn more, see drchloe.com/breakups

Couples Counseling

Dr. Chloe and her associates offer a dynamic, results-oriented approach for couples. In a supportive environment, couples are often pleasantly surprised at how much better they can communicate their thoughts and feelings. Two people become a couple because there is something special between them, and the options below are designed to help you reconnect with what brought you together in the first place. Dr. Chloe also works with couples experiencing fertility issues- click here for tips on fertility stress.

Who Benefits from Couples Counseling?

There is always room for improvement in any relationship. For most couples, it isn’t any one event that has lead them to come to see me. Typically there are a series of things that go awry that eventually lead to a breakdown of the relationship. Usually one or both partners realize that if they don’t do something soon, the relationship will fall apart. If you or your partner thinks you need couples therapy, you probably do. Typical warning signs would include things like constant bickering and unfair fighting, one or both partners wanting to spend their free time away from the other, you don’t appreciate each other or respect each other anymore, lack of sexual intimacy and lying about money. It is always better if the couple comes to therapy sooner than later, but there is hope for any couple where both partners are open change. Please contact Dr. Chloe to arrange an appointment or if you have any questions.

What Happens in Sessions?

Dr. Chloe or one of her associates will help you to get to the heart of the issues and then work with you to determine what action steps can be taken to resolve them. The rewards for doing this are enormous and long-lasting. Generally speaking, couples therapy is a form of talk therapy. It helps you find more positive ways of interacting and so that you can both find the satisfaction you want and deserve in the relationship. For most couples, the key to a better relationship is learning to communicate better. Opening the channels of communication and learning new ways to listen to each other will bring your relationship to a new positive level. Using the techniques learned in our sessions, the couple will be able to handle disagreements and be able to ask for what they need without having to worry about arguments and negative consequences. This tends to lead to create an upward spiral of respect and caring in the relationship.

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

#dating #single #therapy #relationship #coaching

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Tips for Women Considering a Professional Matchmaker

As a clinical psychologist in New York City, I work with a lot of very goal-oriented clients who are interested in finding the perfect relationship. They’re sophisticated enough to realize that there is no “perfect relationship”, just the relationship that is perfect for them… but they still don’t know exactly how to find such a relationship. Especially following the release of my book, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating, where I mentioned that using a matchmaker can be a great way date, I’ve received a lot of inquiries about how to do this.

My focus here is going to be on tips that are specifically geared towards women. The reason for defining this is because matchmakers tend to work with men and women in different ways; so the way that women engage matchmakers is different from men. Although I’m now happily married, when I was single I worked with matchmakers. I was frequently dating so often that it was hard to keep up, thanks to the matchmakers constantly ringing my phone off the hook. Here are the tips I have seen used most successfully in my personal and professional experience!

Getting Started

1. Meet the matchmakers! To find matchmakers in your area, start by Googling “exclusive matchmaker” or “executive matchmaker” plus your city’s name. Premier Match, VIP, Amy Laurent, Kelleher, and Selective Search (in no particular order) are all high-end matchmakers or matchmaking firms that are popular in NYC and other major U.S. cities. Keep a list of all the places that catch your eye. Don’t worry about choosing the “perfect” matchmaker; the goal is actually to cast a wide net. Since you won’t be paying any of them, it costs you nothing to make connections with anyone who seems like they might be a good fit. You can always cut the connection if it doesn’t work out, but at the start it makes sense to be open.

2. “Free for women.” Certain matchmaking offices may attempt to get inquiring women to pay for their services. While this may work out well for some women, I will say that in my experience, I have never ever (not even one time) heard of a female client who was happy with the results when she paid for matchmaking. While the exact reasons for these women’s dissatisfaction may vary, my impression is that women who are attracted to traditional men with traditional values also appreciate traditional dating, in which the man typically pays for early stage dates. Paying for matchmaking upsets this dynamic, and can feel off-putting to many women.

If a matchmaker tries to get you to pay, you can politely decline by saying something like: “Thank you so much, but I just prefer to spend my disposable income on other things, like manicures and blow-outs. I’m a modern woman, but a little old-fashioned, and I’m simply not comfortable paying for matchmaking. However, if you do happen to have any clients paying you for a search, please keep me in mind!” It is important NOT to become offended or prickly if a matchmaker asks you to pay. Remember, she is just doing her job, so maintain your poise while you communicate your boundaries in a clear and friendly way. They may tell you that they only work with paying clients, and then surprise you by phoning you a few weeks later because they have a paying client and think you’d be great for that person. It’s really to the matchmaker’s advantage to introduce any suitable candidate to their paying clients, so once they’ve met you then they will likely call you if they think you might be a good match for one of their paying clients, whether you’re paying or not.

3. Keep a spreadsheet of your “stock answers.” All matchmakers want to learn as much as they can about their potential clients so they can tailor their work to fit you! Many matchmakers will ask the same or similar questions on their applications (“What type of man are you seeking?” “What are your deal breakers?”), so keep a spreadsheet of your application “stock answers” to save yourself valuable time and not “reinvent the wheel” each time you meet a new matchmaker. You can just copy/paste your answers and tailor them slightly if needed.

4. Limit your deal-breakers. As part of the process of learning about you, matchmakers will ask you about your preferences and your deal-breakers. While it is of course important to keep the bar high, it is also critical to avoid being too restrictive. Keep in mind that deal-breakers are more than just your dislikes, they are your non-starters, so try to keep your deal-breakers to a minimum: no more than three, if possible.

5. Camera friendly. Let’s face it, your dates want to see your face! Most matchmakers understand that men are visual, and will request that you submit a couple of photographs as part of your application. This is a wonderful opportunity to present your best self! A photograph showing your face (hair out of your eyes, please!) and another one showing you standing at full length will help you to put your best foot forward. Make sure to smile, since smiling projects the friendly, open attitude that breeds success in dating. Consider some professional photos, or at least having a friend take some snapshots that really show you in the best possible light.

Going on Dates

6. Say yes! When the exciting day arrives and the matchmaker calls you with your first date, be prepared to say yes, yes, yes! In fact, your answer to most potential dates provided by your matchmaker should be yes unless the date comprises one of your deal-breakers (see Tip #4). Again, remember that the matchmaker is doing a job – she has typically put a fair amount of work into getting this match approved by the client before finally reaching out to you – so your cooperation and enthusiasm are key to ensuring that she will continue to call you in the future. Always be friendly, upbeat, and easy-to-work-with. Even the best matchmakers will lose motivation if every date they provide is met with, “And just how far is his hairline receding? When exactly is his birthday, how many months away from my age cutoff is he? Oh no, I dated someone from that school once and it didn’t work out; I’m afraid I have to decline this date.” (Yes, I’ve actually had women in my office who say these things!) Remember, all you’re agreeing to do is meet the person for a drink or dinner; it isn’t a lifetime commitment. Obviously, don’t go anywhere secluded with someone you just met. Be safe, but be open.

7. Stay organized. If you’re working with multiple matchmakers as well as using dating apps and other ways of engaging in dating, you may be going on a LOT of dates (which is good– you want to have options!). Sometimes it can be difficult keeping track of who’s who (Which one was David again? Is he the one who likes sailing? Or was that Jonathan?). To avoid letting a “good one” slip through the cracks, it can be helpful to keep a dating log. Record the name of each contact, the date of your most recent get-together, and any relevant or significant impressions, thoughts, or reactions. If you are working with multiple matchmakers, be sure to include the name of the matchmaker who introduced you. For more info on dating logs, see my book, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating on Audible, Kindle, or paperback.

8. On the date. Here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for! Time to find Mr. Right and have fun while doing it. This is also the time to put your best foot forward. Many women tell me that they can tell within the first 30 seconds whether they want to see a man again. It is totally fine if you don’t want to go out with someone again, however – and I cannot emphasize this enough – you always want him to want a second date with you! When matchmakers hear positive feedback from a paying client about you, they realize you are in high demand and will keep you at the top of their list for introductions. This means that even if you decide you don’t want to see a particular person again, you still want to make the extra effort to be charming, engaging, and appealing during the date so that he’ll call the matchmaker and say, “She was amazing!”.

9. Declining a second date with grace. Sometimes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. So if you find your date is a dud, don’t give up hope and definitely don’t take your discouragement out on your matchmaker! If you don’t want to go on a second date, communicate this to the matchmaker in a friendly, appreciative manner. You can say something like, “Thank you so much for setting me up with William. I really appreciate it! I can see why you connected us – he certainly checks off a lot of the important “relationship checkboxes” we discussed. I’m not sure why I don’t feel a spark, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet with him. Please keep me in mind as you meet with other potential dates!” Or you can be more specific if it would be helpful, but be sure to stay upbeat to keep the matchmaker regarding you as a positive person she’d like to set up again (“He was really nice, but he talked a lot about his ex and it made me feel like he wasn’t focused on me; so I think I’ll pass on a second date– but I’m flattered to hear that he wanted to go out again, I do wish him the best. Please do keep me in mind if there’s anyone else you think might be a good fit!”)

Keeping up Momentum

10. Stay current. Like anything worth doing, matchmaking is a process that can take time. After all, we’re talking about finding lifelong love and commitment! Start by demonstrating your commitment to matchmaking, which you can do by staying in regular contact with your matchmaker. Make sure she is aware of any important updates, experiences, or accomplishments that would be of interest to potential dates. One of the simplest ways to do this is by sending in a new photo of yourself once a month. A picture that reflects what you have previously told the matchmaker about yourself is ideal. For example, if you love traveling, let’s see some travel photos! This not only keeps you at the top of the matchmaker’s mind, it also allows future dates to see your social side in action. Keep a list of all the matchmakers you know, and note when your last contact was. If you haven’t heard from one of them in a month, reach out to send a new photo. It doesn’t even have to be a brand new photo, maybe just one they haven’t seen before- but ideally you’re having a friend snap photos of you somewhat regularly. Another idea is to have a professional photo session and hold back some of the photos when you first meet the matchmaker, so that you have a few spares to use when you want to follow up and share something new. The idea is to stay “on the radar” of the matchmaker by checking in somewhat regularly with a short, upbeat note and an appealing photo.

——————————

We all know that sometimes finding love can feel like an overwhelming and intimidating journey. My hope is that, newly equipped with these ten tips, you feel better prepared to take your first step with confidence! And, of course, if you wish to learn more about matchmaking and dating, I invite you to check out my videos and books at www.drchloe.com/shop or schedule a private session. Remember, the best time to start working towards a lifelong goal is today. Ready, set, go!

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

#dating #relationship #matchmaking

0 notes

carmichael-psychology · 4 years

Text

What Does Your Tax Style Say About You?

When April comes around, doing our taxes inevitably follows. As someone that works with many individuals planning for their financial future and security, I often find that during times of stress we can forget the purpose behind our actions. Although we all celebrate a salary raise or a successful new business venture, we don’t always like to think about its tax impact– and we may then lose out on opportunities to conserve or grow that wealth by sheltering it with proper planning! Therefore, whether you do your taxes yourself or have an accountant, approaching your taxes thoughtfully by asking yourself some key questions is vital for optimizing your quality of life.

1. If you prefer to do your taxes yourself and/or do a lot of the legwork yourself:

If you go to HR Block or use TurboTax, when do you find the time to gather all tax-related documents? Do you find yourself procrastinating and dreading tax day? If so, you may need to reframe how you think about doing your taxes as a marathon, not a sprint. Spending 30 minutes per day till everything is ready to go can help break the task up into smaller pieces; or sometimes having a mindless entertaining audible book going in the background helps make the admin of document gathering go by more easily. If you need a book idea, remember my 10 Commandments of Dating is available as an audiobook on iTunes, and on Audible free for Amazon Prime users (sorry I couldn’t resist!). Also, books on financial wellness can be inspiring to play in the background as you gather your documents.

2. If you have an accountant:

a. If you have an accountant, does the accountant chase you or do you chase him/her? If you’re doing the chasing, it might be time to consider switching accountants. Often, I find people to get attached to their accountants because of the nature of the relationship– dealing with money is personal, not just business. People can get really emotional about money because finances are linked to our survival and the amount of comfort or choices we will have as we age. It is really important that you feel comfortable with your accountant. If you feel he or she is not prioritizing you or serving your needs, you may have to reconsider the arrangement. I meet with my accountant every quarter, whether I feel the need or not– this keeps us focused throughout the year so that there are no surprises in April, and if we have “extra” time at our meetings we can use it to review our plans, brainstorm new ideas, clarify questions (especially with the new tax code this year), and make sure we’re using every legal maneuver available for a smart financial strategy.

b. If your accountant is chasing you, you might want to consider setting up calendar reminders or regular meetings so that you have everything prepared in advance. You may also want to hire someone to come and “hold your hand” and help you prepare your documents if needed; or keep track of your bookkeeping throughout the year. Remember: taxes and money are not everyone’s strength– they’re certainly not mine. I have great support when it comes to bookkeeping, and although it is a little costly I firmly believe it helps save money in the long term. Having support frees my energy to focus on other areas where I have professional strengths; it keeps my stress levels lower; and it probably reduces mistakes since I delegate as much as possible to professionals.

c. If you and your accountant are running the race together, cheers to you both! Take time to acknowledge your achievement. It is really important to celebrate your victories and give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done– doing so helps us to stay motivated, and to be able to weather challenges better because we are also conscious of our strengths. Give yourself a round of well deserved applause!

Conclusion

With tax day around the corner, if you believe your tax style needs some revamping, I hope you use these questions as a springboard for making useful changes. Everyone has their own way of handling taxes, and there’s no single approach that is best for everyone. Whatever you do, it’s important that you take the time to ensure that your approach is a conscious choice that really serves you best in the long term. We often perceive tax season as stressful, so do yourself a favor by being mindful during this time so you can avoid short changing yourself due to stress. Whatever strategy you choose, consider planning a nice celebration for yourself when it’s all done– a glass of champagne, a meal somewhere fun, a massage to relax… the choice is yours, and you deserve it for a job well done.

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here

TO FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/DrChloe_

TO FOLLOW HER ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/DrChloePhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON GOOGLE+ https://plus.google.com/+DrChloeCarmichaelPhD

TO FOLLOW HER ON LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/chloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/user/drchloecarmichael

TO FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drchloe_/

https://www.drchloe.com/what-does-your-tax-style-say-about-you/

#tax #money #accountant #psychologist #New York City

1 note · View note

carmichael-psychology · 5 years

Text

How to Drink Moderately

AKA How to Find Your Drinking Sweet Spot

Jump to:

Tips from Mindfulness Meditation for Moderate Drinking Enjoyment

What to do with your observations

Your drinking “sweet spot”

Conclusion

New York City is a city that loves to drink. We meet friends for happy hours, we eat at business dinners where a sommelier serves amazing wine, we go to trendy lounges that serve artisanal cocktails, we attend networking events with open bars, and many of us love a nice quiet drink with a delicious meal and a lively social scene seated at a restaurant bar. The beauty of it is that for many of us, all this drinking actually leads to great things: successful business dinners, mingling with new and interesting people, a sense of relaxation that happens effortlessly as alcohol immediately creates a mild euphoria that makes us open up, laugh more, and shuts off our incessant internal monologue. Alcohol has clear benefits for many of us, both personally and professionally. With all this drinking, we could probably benefit from some tips from mindfulness to enjoy moderate drinking even more!

The benefits of alcohol lead many of us drink so frequently that it can become habitual. There is nothing inherently wrong with drinking habitually, but many clients who come to my office indicate that they would prefer to be in control of their habit rather than feel as if the habit has taken on an inertia of its own. It is very important to note that this is different from alcoholism or addiction to alcohol. The distinction I’m making here is that with an addiction, we tend to think of drinking away our last dollar, drinking that leads to arrests or hospital visits, or other forms of drinking that clearly suggest our normal standards of safety and personal responsibility have been severely compromised due to a desire for alcohol; those types of relationships with alcohol are generally best classified and treated as addictions. I do not treat addictions to alcohol- my practice is limited to situations where a person’s alcohol use is perfectly safe and more habit-based than addiction-based; I work with clients who are not alcoholics but simply people who want to increase their sense of purpose and control around the way they drink. Here is how many people in my practice have done this successfully:

Tips from Mindfulness Meditation for Moderate Drinking Enjoyment

Decide to build your awareness: Commit to observe your drinking without trying to change your habits, at least at first. Before we can really try to change something, it’s often helpful to just observe it. This helps us to set realistic goals, and to understand our drinking patterns and triggers more fully than we might if we paid attention to alcohol only a) to drink it, or b) to control it. The idea here is to pay attention and study your drinking from a neutral, information-gathering, curiosity-based mindset before you attempt any significant efforts to change it. Once you’ve made a commitment to observe your drinking, here’s one way to do it:

Define your observation field: Mindfulness meditation often involves choosing something to observe and then observing it for a set period of time. This builds our observation and awareness skills, and pre-defining the time period for observation frees us to delve into the observations without second guessing ourselves with questions like “Should I stop yet? Have I observed long enough? I wonder if I’m doing this right?”. We can apply this insight from mindfulness meditation to facilitate drinking observations in the following manner: For a predetermined amount of time (for example two weeks, two days, or whatever feels best for you), commit to observe your drinking in a neutral manner by noting down your drink counts. Your goal here is to tabulate your drinking without attempting to change it. This is actually more difficult than it sounds for many people, so be gentle with yourself if you struggle with this step. Remember: the more familiar you are with basic information about your drinking and the more capable you are of observing it, the easier it will be for you to make whatever changes you desire.

Document your observations: Try to complete the log below for each day, making one entry per day. If you forget or decline to make a same-day entry but still want to note the information later, put “No” in the “Same Day entry” column to indicate you are making a retroactive log. Don’t judge yourself if you forget or decline to make a same day entry; just document that it happened if you wish to do so by making a retroactive log. You don’t have to do retroactive entries if you don’t want to do so; you can simply resume your log with your current day and let your log reflect that there are some missing days. Or if you wish, you can make retroactive entries and simply indicate this with “No” per above. Part of the observation process includes observing your willingness or ability to indicate awareness of your drinking over a predetermined period of time. Many people find a two week period is a good length of time for an observation period, but you can choose whatever period of time feels best for you.

What to do with your observations:

At the end of your observation period, you’ll not only have logged observations of drink counts, you’ll also be observing your overall drinking observation skills and patterns. We call this “meta awareness” in psychology. It is a form of mindfulness. If you notice that you skipped a lot of days, you can become curious and try to understand why you’re skipping. Is it because you simply forgot and would benefit from a reminder in your calendar? Or maybe this means there is a part of you that doesn’t like the idea of observing drink counts? Or maybe there is some other reason you tend to skip. The idea is to replace any forms of judgement with curiosity so that this becomes an exercise in self-compassion and self-observation rather than self-flagellation. There are no “wrong” answers, only observations that help you get to know yourself better (caveat: as stated at the beginning, this is only true if you’re someone for whom alcohol does not lead to dangerous behavior- if alcohol is dangerous for you but you can’t quit, then please see an addiction specialist).

The goal is to sharpen your observation skills regarding drinking, so hopefully you will be able to enter more “C”s than “E”s in the last column documenting whether you’re estimating or counting your drinks for the day, but if you find that your log shows nearly all “E”s then welcome this as good information not only as an estimate of your drinks, but also as information about your current observation skills or style. Become curious about why you tend to estimate rather than count. If it’s because counting feels boring, remember that this is just an observation period that doesn’t have to last forever and that while the counting may not seem entertaining, it is in service of broader insights. If you think you may be estimating to avoiding actually counting because you feel ashamed or regretful about the count, try to be accurate anyway and congratulate yourself for increasing your awareness at all.

Remember to suspend judgement during the counting phase; be proud of yourself for being bold enough to note the real numbers or at least real estimates. If facing the real numbers is too daunting, that’s good information for you to know as well. The idea here is just to document your observations as well as your willingness and ability to make observations.

Your drinking “sweet spot”

Dr. Chloe raising a glass to toast Carmichael Psychology’s

2015 holiday celebration

Once you have enough data, you can identify a “magic number” of your ideal number of drinks, or your “drinking sweet spot”. Your ideal number of drinks for our purposes here is the number of drinks that brings you the most pleasure. Many people find that the first 2-3 drinks bring a great deal of pleasure, while the fourth and fifth (or sixth or seventh) drinks seem like they will bring pleasure but actually bring hangovers or regret. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’ve had some sort of experience with hangovers, oversharing, extra belly fat, or other features of drinking that you’d rather skip. The good news is that you can keep the pleasurable parts of drinking and nix the negatives by simply stopping at your “magic number”. Of course, this is easier said than done– if you leave it to your “buzzed self” to decide the magic number “in the moment”, it will be much harder to find the sweet spot than if you track some observations to locate your magic number in a more logical manner, and then do your buzzed self a favor by learning to stick with that number. Your buzzed self will actually have more fun and thank you later since it no longer has to do “on the spot thinking” about how much to drink. Many people find that through observation, they discover they frequently drink one or two drinks more than what is actually their true pleasure point. By reframing your drinking target as a “magic number” that is about your pleasure rather than as a “limit”, many people are able to embrace alcohol moderation as a friend rather than a foe.

Conclusion

Many people find that having a reference point of how much they wish to drink is very helpful since by definition if we “make it up as we go along” and just drink “however much feels right” then we almost always end up drinking more than we want over the years. This is because we develop a tolerance, and because once we’ve had a few drinks it becomes very difficult to gauge how much more we really want to drink versus how much we’re just operating in a buzzed “more is more” type of mindset that can trick us into drinking more alcohol than is optimally pleasurable– and the goal of drinking is actually pleasure, right? The first step to determining your magic number and then ultimately having drinking habits that support your magic number is to observe how much you’re drinking without judgement. I hope you will find the approach and worksheet above helpful. Bottoms up and cheers to you!

To see Dr. Chloe’s helpful blogs on anxiety, relationships, and career issues please see her blogs! Click here