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I do my best to make my meals look like a toddler’s

A couple pieces of cheese, a few grapes, a couple of chicken nuggets, and a juice box

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I find myself “binging” on stuff like whipped cream bc I feel like I’m eating so much but it’s like 600cal a can, and I’ll take that over 2000cal worth of fast food or smtn

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I don’t even need to look like all the thinspo anymore

I just want to look comfortable and be small

Is it too much to ask for?

To not have to change my shirt 3 times before I finally choose one that is loose enough to be comfortable, but tight enough that I don’t look bigger than I am?

To wear comfortable clothing without looking unkempt or uncaring?

To be able to borrow my roommates clothes when she offers. (she’s size 6-8, I’m size 10-12)

To feel normal and small, insignificant, unnoticeable, light?

To be able to sit in a classroom with one leg crossed over the other, and not spill out of the chair?

To sit at the front of the classroom and not worry about blocking those behind me or looking huge when I slouch?

To sit in my car and eat while waiting for a friend and not be looking around worried about other people seeing me?

To eat a normal portion without feeling/being sick?

is it too much to ask?

it certainly seems that way…

#anorexik #disordered eating thoughts #ana y mia #tw restriction

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had a 10-min consult with an ed therapist today

Only a few times have I felt so invalidated and frustrated.

I’m not underweight, nor have I ever been

I don’t actively choose to purge (I genuinely just feel sick when I eat)

I don’t purposefully restrict or count calories (I have meds that kill my appetite, which is both a blessing and a curse)

I choose to not eat but it’s because of how physically sick I feel after a meal. I only eat when I know I can go home right after so I can deal with it there.

I’m managing with all the responsibilities and commitments I’ve taken on this semester

I’ve been playing tug-of-war with ana/mia for almost 9 years and have never been sick enough to do anything but lose like 20-30 pounds before I decide to ‘recover’ and put it all back on, just to start the cycle again

So it can’t be that bad, right?

#ana recovery #anorexik #ana y mia #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #ana thoughts #tw disordered eating #it's not as simple as just eating #disordered eating mention #tw eating issues #eating disoder trigger warning #anamia #annamia #tw ana shit #tw ana relapse #ana stuff #ana trigger #tw ana diary #ana bllog #ana rant #anatumblr #am i really anorexic though #anorex!a #ed bullshit #bulim14 #tw mia #ana miaa #just ed things #ed not ed sheeran #ed but not sheeran

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I hv a test tomorrow but all ppl hv been doing lately is testing my fucking patience

it feels like i’ve been taking a week-long exam and now I hv a real one

if anxiety could stop manifesting physically so I can shove everything else into the vault, it would be great

I don’t mind feeling shaky and dizzy when it’s from restricting/fasting. It makes me feel so powerful.

But when it’s anxiety, it’s a different kind and it feels awful… the horrors persist and so do i.

alas, we ball

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so I think I had food poisoning like a week ago

and my stomach is still super angry and I can’t keep much down, even liquid is a 50/50 chance it’ll make me sick

I went to the school health center and was told to go to the ER bc I might have an intestinal blockage… but I don’t think I’m gonna go for a few reasons:

-I’m sick but I’m losing weight so why should I stop it?

-The ER will just diagnose me with “uterus” aka being a woman

-I don’t want to make one of my roommates sit there with me for hours just for them to give me fluids and tell me to stop being stressed

-I’m 2.5 hours away from my family and the area I live in rn is sketchy

-they’re going to tell me I’m bulimic (but I am not doing anything on purpose)

-I’m functioning, so who cares?

I feel like it’s similar to suicidal ideation; I’m not gonna actively try to restrict or purge, but if it happens I’m tempted to just let it happen. I’m not even thinking about or counting calories or anything.

I was 185.3lbs at the beginning of the month and now I’m at 169.6

I genuinely don’t remember the last time I had a decent meal and actually kept it down

I’m exhausted and shaky and dizzy, but today I have a strange amount of energy and I’m not sure why. I haven’t eaten anything in 36 hours bc I kept puking (even though I probably could have held it in, it felt better to just let myself throw up. I wasn’t forcing it, I just kinda leaned over and let it happen but if I had stayed away from the bathroom I would have not puked)

fuck eating disorders, man. I was doing okay but then ate a lot over the holidays and then I started the semester and stopped eating almost completely (which for once was not on purpose, I get really stressed and take 3 different meds that completely remove appetite as a side effect)

And now I’m like oh, well why should I be doing anything to fix this? I’m losing weight and I’m functioning so who cares? But I KNOW it’s not sustainable… I thought I was over this shit

#ana recovery #low cal restriction #anorexik #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction #ana y mia #mentally fucked #mentally disordered

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auntie and grandma are staying with me for three weeks. they both have serious issues with food:

grandma has dementia and it’s impossible to get her to eat, partially cuz she doesn’t want to look like the rest of us (and she, unintentionally, makes comments about that frequently)

auntie is in her 40s and does not stop eating. But she is obsessed with diets and fasting and wants us to take her to bookstores so she can get books about how to fast and how to drop weight super quick (yknow, the books that are full of bs and don’t actually work)

She lies to herself and everyone else about what she can and can’t have, and both she and grandma do nothing but complain.

I am in a recovery period right now but she is really testing my strength. My parents and elder sibling are all trying to recover from BED as well and this woman is just destroying progress.

The relationship auntie has with food is sickening. The amount she eats in one sitting makes ME want to claw at my skin

Doesn’t help that I have really severe misophonia, so things like chewing and slurp noises make me feel genuine rage (nothing else ever does, I’m a pretty chill person)

But I won’t. Because she is my auntie. And is too immature to listen to any criticism. She can do no wrong.

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #@na rules #low cal restriction #mealsp0 #pro a4a #disordered eating thoughts #tw restriction

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It doesn’t make sense to me. Why do I go to things if nobody cares when I’m not there?

I am having to miss a group trip with my friends because my family is going on a cruise. Not trying to be a brat, but cruises are literally my worst nightmare. I would much rather be with my found family in the mountains than on a boat with my bio extended family (I love my family, I really do, but I’m having to pick between my two families)

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I know this is not really the place. But I’m putting this out there for the few people that will see this post

My homeland is under attack.

As of right now, 10/9/23, there are:

1500 Israeli deaths (and counting)

150+ hostages/missing (including infants and toddlers)

2000 Israeli injured (and counting)

560+ Palestinian/Gaza citizens dead

4000+ rockets fired (from hospitals, schools, and neighborhoods in the Gaza Strip toward Israel)

More Jewish people died on Saturday than any one day since the Holocaust.

I am Jewish. Israel is and always will be my home, even though I don’t actually live there. Please, do not turn away from this.

Educate yourself on the situation in as much depth as you can handle. Report and block bots posting “free palestine” and similar things.

This is not an issue of Israel-Palestine conflict. This is a direct attack on Jews, and nobody is safe from the horrors of Hamas and other terrorists. Not even Gaza/Palestine citizens are safe. Please, I beg you, no matter how you feel about Israel as a country… do not add to the hatred by celebrating and supporting terrorism. You can hate Israel, you can want a Palestinian state, you can disagree with whatever you want. But do not encourage senseless violence and murder and war crimes against me for simply existing.

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #@na rules #low cal restriction #mealsp0 #pro a4a #tw ana shit #disordered eating thoughts #stand with israel #jewish #israel #harrowing moment israeli student begs ‘don’t kill me’ as she’s snatched from a music festival by hamas terrorists #shocking video shows militants capturing israeli soldier and tearing down border fences #hamas attack #mum learns daughter was taken by hamas after seeing her body paraded on streets #murdered & paraded by hamas after terrorists storm festival as brit soldier killed in attacks #hamas #football stars robbie keane and rory delap flee israel after hiding in panic room to shelter from hamas airstrikes #horrific moment israeli student begs ‘don’t kill me’ as she’s snatched by hamas terrorists #fuck hamas #terror

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In addition to the post about being the backup plan,

I also stopped on my way home from class to get something sweet for two of my roommates because they are on their periods and one is feeling really sick cuz of it. I send a message saying hey got these for u guys! No response, left on read. I then said I’ll put them on ___’s pantry shelf just grab whenever you feel like it. Again, nothing. Left on read. I just feel like I try and I try and it’s never good enough

It’s like that with academics too. I studied hard for a psychology exam and I thought I did really well!! Turns out I got a 77%. I got a C. I thought I at LEAST had an A…

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roommates cat scratched me bc I picked him up so he wouldn’t escape out the front door

tell me why I enjoyed it and it’s stinging and it feels good… this can not be a good sign. I’m (mostly) clean around 6 years (from cvtting at least) and I want it so bad

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This is the current mood

i’ve always been too much for people, and when i started internalising it i realised i’m too much for me too

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the overwhelming urge to just stop talking again because no matter what you do it feels like you add nothing to the conversation

And everyone around you is nice and friendly but you aren’t invited even though they’re literally across the street and we all have location sharing so it’s not like I can’t see them all together without me

And I know that everyone needs alone time blah blah blah but they’re always together and I go sometimes but only when they invite me and I just don’t think I am noticeable enough to add to the conversation/vibes. I sit and observe and listen but I am happy to be there

I wonder if they think I’m not engaged or I don’t wanna be there or I’m being left out but they all know I’m autistic, hell, some of them are also autistic and that I am happy to simply be in the presence of friends

But I guess I’m just not enough in this scenario. I don’t smoke, they all do, but even though they are on a T-break I’m still not invited. They literally came across the street to my house to pick something up and then just left again and I said bye and they said bye as if I were an afterthought

Anyway. I’m tired of missing social cues and having social anxiety and I wish I was somebody’s first choice. It’s always been that way, I thought this group was different and they are sometimes but I get reminded every now and then.

I’ve always been just the backup plan.

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my roommates and I are going to dinner

this was unplanned

they are “dressing cute”

I am panicking. I don’t have anything I can wear right now that is “cute” because I’m too much of a fucking pig and can’t find clothes at places other than target and Walmart

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #@na rules #low cal restriction #mealsp0 #pro a4a #tw ana shit #disordered eating thoughts

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If any of my friends ever say they found my tumblr… no you didn’t

I’ve mentioned that I have one and they beg for the username because I guess they think I’m funny. But I just say “no way in hell am I letting you see it”

They think it’s cuz I feel like I’m being cringe. In reality, it’s because of the nature of the account; nobody irl can ever read the shit I post on here. It’s so unstable and sick and honestly toxic, but I mean if you follow me it means you’re also all of these things so solidarity I guess

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #disordered eating thoughts #mealsp0 #pro a4a #tw ana shit #low cal restriction #@na rules

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there is so much in my head lately. Started a new term at uni. I walk every day to and from class. I was barely eating. I felt like I was floating, it was wonderful.

Now I’m home again for the weekend and I have eaten so much I feel sick. I have had at least 6 meals today. I can’t wait to go back tomorrow and continue floating.

This disease is awful. I didn’t want to come home; I cried when I heard I had to. I wanted to stay because I know every time I come home, I eat because I feel safe and I have access to things I like.

My parents are so kind… they went to the market and made sure to get all my favorite and safe foods for when I came home. I love them so much but they make it so difficult to justify what I’m doing.

Food is a love language here, mom and dad cook for us and we cook for them. I cook for my roommates because I grew up with food = love and want to make them feel loved. And I can’t refuse to eat what they make because they put all that time and effort into doing something for me, and I am not going to hurt them by saying no thanks. I can’t say I’m allergic or that I don’t like it because they are my parents and they know.

I care more about others than I do myself, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you think about it), that means I eat when I don’t want to.

There’s gonna be a lot more vents tbh, there’s so much going on in my head and I have nobody I can really talk to about it that won’t make me feel bad about myself for still being sick.

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #disordered eating thoughts #mealsp0 #pro a4a #tw ana shit #low cal restriction #@na rules

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one of my friends is a model and was a child actor, she’s got a lot of health problems and smokes and drinks a LOT, she told me she’s been bulimic since she was 10, and she is SO SKINNY. I wish I could look like her.

I wish my mother would have paid more attention to my diet when I was little, I wish she would have fed me the right foods and helped me maintain a healthy weight, I wish she would have kept me in dance instead of pulling me because the teacher told her I was too big to keep up because I would have used the shame to lose weight and get the bullying to stop instead of running away.

I wish she would have noticed how much it affected me before it was too late. If I was pretty enough to be a model, if I was thin enough to be a model, if I was still a dancer, I might still be sick but god damnit at least I would be skinny. I might hate my body but at least other people wouldn’t hate it too. Either way I hate the way I look, so i would rather be skinny and think I’m fat than be fat and think I’m fat

#ana meal #ana recovery #ana y mia #anorexik #disordered eating thoughts #mealsp0 #pro a4a #tw ana shit #low cal restriction #@na rules