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Clonmel Protests For Clonmel People
Far-right agitators from all over the country are converging on a housing development of 82 modular homes in Clonmel earmarked for asylum-seekers.
"We've seen lots of unvetted males being bussed in to shout abuse at vulnerable people," said one concerned Clonmel resident. "We don't know where they're from, or if they've been involved in any kind of criminal activity."
Other native Clonmel people were not so diplomatic.
"Go back to where you came from!" shouted another concerned Clonmel resident. "Just get back on your bus and go home!"
"We already have enough far-right goons in this town already," said another very concerned Clonmel resident. "You've seen what it's like on Saturdays. We just can't handle anymore."
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D.O.J.
Las Vegas, NV
As news of the death of O.J. Simpson hit the media, some of his friends wanted to get ahead of the inevitable sensationalism.
"He wasn't just a murderer," said a close friend. "He also served ten years for kidnapping and armed robbery."
Although acquitted by a confused jury, Simpson lost a later civil case taken by the family of Ron Goldman, which found him liable for the murders.
"That's not the O.J. Simpson I knew," said another close friend. "So that must be some other guy with the same name."
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Special Israel Edition
A collection of headlines from our articles on the current conflict in Gaza.
Palestinians to Blame for Child Deaths
"What sort of parents would raise their children in a war zone?" asked an IDF spokesman.
IDF To Enforce Minimum Diversity Quotas
"It’s important to have representation while murdering Palestinian children," said an IDF spokesman.
Israelis Insist On Seeing Gaza As "Half Full"
"Our experts are telling us it's all about framing," said an IDF spokesman.
Zionists Annex Moral High Ground
"Brave IDF soldiers are destroying everything as we speak and the bulldozers are on their way," said an IDF spokesman.
Record Number of IDF Injuries Reported
"Over a hundred of our active service members are reporting carpal tunnel syndrome in their aiming hand," said an IDF spokesman.
Israel Signs Ceasefire Deal
"We have committed to a week's ceasefire if Israel wins the Eurovision," said an IDF spokesman.
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Weather Or Not
Some fringe climate scientists are concerned that the Latent Temperature Quotient (LTQ) is the worst it’s ever been. Not since records began, but in the history of the world.
“There’s too much focus on what we call weather,” said meteorologist Peter Ouette, who professionally studies meteors but has an amateur interest in climate change. “We should be looking at the long-term trends instead. These are also bad.”
The LTQ was developed in the 1960s as a way of redirecting conversations away from weather and climate towards a more data-driven, flexible and functional predictive model.
“LTQ takes micro-changes in existing macro models and plots them against time and space, adequately controlling for variables such as altitude and colour,” said Ouette. “Some variables only get plugged in to simulate the random nature of these phenomena.”
Ireland’s LTQ has been slowing down for decades now, or speeding up if you subscribe to the Helsinki Variation of LTQ.
“I would say Ireland’s LTQ is reaching catastrophic levels,” said Ouette. “At least, I would if I knew for certain that it was true.”
The LTQ measure has been criticised by the vast majority of academics, climate scientists and meteorologists as “so absolutely stupid it seems inappropriate to call it wrong”.
“It looks like Big Climate just doesn’t want people to know about the LTQ,” said Ouette.
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Together We Can Do It
London, England
In a surprise announcement, Keir Starmer has opened negotiations with Rishi Sunak to merge Labour and the Conservative Party.
“After announcing my intention to ditch the commitment to free third-level tuition, I felt it just made sense,” said Starmer at a press conference. “It seems ineffecient to have two parties doing the same thing.
In preparation for the move, Starmer previously ditched pledges to nationalise the UK’s water and power supplies, and to raise taxes on the highest earners.
The first part of the Toryfication of Labour involved destroying the previous leader who was very popular with rank and file party members but reviled by the leadership.
“We kept pushing the antisemtic thing onto Corbyn until it fell on top of him, said Starmer. “What else were we supposed to do? Let him run the party? Come on.”
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Biden His Time
Washington, DC
Joe Biden has formally confirmed his run for a third term as President of the United States, urging voters to give him more time to “finish the job”.
Biden confirmed his 2028 run in a tweet, saying: “I can get this done. We can get this done. Together. Although it might take a while.”
He is running on a campaign of freedom and democracy, promising more freedom and democracy for all Americans, whether they want it or not. He has also committed to delivering special freedom and democracy packages to various third world countries and Israel.
“In 2028, house prices and rents will be even higher. There will be even less healthcare for working people. Our schools will be barren wastelands where the only book allowed in the building is the bible. Give me a chance to fight back against this madness.”
Biden then released an official statement composed of nothing but quotes from Hamlet, beginning with: “There's a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will.” The statement ended with: “Had I but time.”
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Mainstreaming Service
New York, NY
Fans of [ ] have reacted with horror and the growing popularity of their favourite band.
“I used to love them,” said Timmy Tones, who describe himself as a music blogger. “But when everyone around you likes them, it makes their music sound stale.”
[ ] were gigging in small clubs around their city when a single they had actually released a few months previously to little or no acclaim was suddenly picked up by a popular DJ.
“I hear that one song everywhere now,” said Tones. “It’s the worst track on the album. It’s become the most irritating part of this.”
There have been mixed reviews of the new [ ] album, which moves them from their rougher rock-themed early albums to a more pop-electronic feel.
“Obviously it’s great that we’re appealing to lots of new people,” said the lead singer of [ ]. “I just want our old fans to know that we also appreciate their support.”
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[This article came from a future edition of In Other News published in the year AD 2856.]
The Haunting of Wilson’s Hospital School
Few people realise that Wilson’s Hospital Crypto Server Farm used to be a school many years ago. Fewer again know the legend of the ghost who haunts the gates. People who whizz past in their hovercars at just the right moment in the morning can still hear the low, whiny voice of a beforemale saying “Thanks, Dad. See you later.”
Tradition has it that the ghost...
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A Bitter Tomorrow
[from our Lifestyle & Entertainment weekend magazine]
Are you single?
Are you happy enough, minding your own business, only to be constantly assaulted by media constructions of happiness as a function of being in a relationship?
Are you sick of seeing grown adults holding hands in a supermarket, or linking arms and refusing to break for a lamp post because nothing can come between their love?
Do you wish Valentine’s Day would burn to the ground and take all of the miserable consumerist wanks who fall for that bullshit down with it?
Are you sick of the condescending tone of multiple wedding invitations where the “+ 1” is modified with a cheery, hand-written, “or come alone if you like!”
Does the idea of dating strike you as forcing yourself to accommodate someone else’s rubbish while they lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you?
A new app aimed at the “bitter singles” market was launched this week and it’s already been the subject of two FBI investigations and a special edition of Panorama. It can be used to get back at an ex-boyfriend or simply sabotage the efforts of your enemies to meet that special someone.
Here’s how it works!
Users create a Hinder account which is linked to a throwaway Tinder account. You enter the Tinder account you want to screw with (called the “mark” by the app) and Hinder does the rest.
Depending on the level of Hinder membership you pay for, the app will:
Send extremely flirty messages to the mark and use proprietary A.I. to keep flirty conversations active (the higher levels of membership screencap these automatically-generated chats and date-stamp them for future deployment once the mark actually starts dating someone).
Set up dates with the mark, to which, obviously, no one will turn up, hopefully creating that “stood up” feeling (the higher levels of membership keep texting him with messages like “Where are you?” and “I’m here, I can’t see you.”).
Locate Tinder accounts the mark has matched with and send them fictional details of the mark’s criminal past as a drug dealer or alcoholic (the higher levels of membership allow you to accuse the mark of being a sex predator or a vegan).
Finagle lewd photos from the mark (the higher levels of membership have a comprehensive series of options for organising a long-term blackmail operation.)
Hinder is currently free and available for Android and iPhone.
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Foot Prints
London, England
A series of bizarre incidents and and claims have been leaked from Prince Harry’s forthcoming memoir, Stare.
“He got the title from the photo used for the cover,” said a source close to the window. “He picked that one himself because he looks like a serial killer.”
In the book, Harry reveals that he had sex with twenty-five Taliban fighters in Afghanistan and that the first person he ever murdered was an older woman who loved horses.
“One of my mistakes was letting it happen in a field, just behind a busy pub,” the excerpt reads. “No doubt someone had seen us.”
Harry also describes a number of altercations with family members in the book, including an episode where he forced Queen Elizabeth II to eat dog food from a bowl.
“I grabbed her by the collar, ripping her necklace,” he claims. “Then I knocked her to the floor.”
The royal press office has chosen not to comment on the torrent of revelations but Harry’s wife, Meghan Markle, is reported to have left a devastating message on a status update in their private Facebook Group.
This book has been emergency translated from Spanish by a staff member who only speaks Romanian so some minor details may be incorrect.
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Pale Fail
Clonmel, Ireland
A Clonmel man has invented a device to make our lives easier but is finding it difficult to source funding.
“The real problem is I’m a straight white male,” said Butler, head hung low in submission. “It’ll never get to market under these conditions.”
Butler claims he applied for Dragon’s Den but was informed by production staff that they “had enough whiteys” unless he could appear in a wheelchair or with a visible stoma.
“The podcast I made to explain my creation only has three listeners but Kanye’s has 700,000,” said Butler. “You do the math.”
The In Other News fact-checking team could not find a Kanye West podcast. It’s likely that Butler is confusing Kanye with another black person.
“I got proof of concept but I trusted the wrong people,” said Butler. “In both cases, my parents were responsible.”
Butler’s invention, which appears to be something do to with mobile phones, will be sold wherever he can find a free space on the Narrow Street and it’s not raining.
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TV Review :“Monster”
[From our Lifestyle & Entertainment magazine]
The almost unwatchably queasy Netflix series spends too long in the grisly squalor of the comedian’s life. No wonder it’s been buried by the streamer. Is Corden - Monster: The James Corden Story the most exploitative television show Netflix has ever produced?
Netflix’s latest attempt to create an international event by hiring top Hollywood producers and giving them an unlimited budget, the lumberingly titled Corden - Monster: The James Corden Story, appeared last month out of nowhere, with nothing in the way of fanfare.
Corden just arrived. There was no premiere. No media were granted preview access and none of the show’s stars were made available for interview. Unless you caught the perfunctory trailer that slid out online five days before the show’s release, you would be forgiven for not knowing it existed at all.
Usually, this is a sign that a platform wants to bury a show. It hints at the possibility that the series was commissioned in good faith but something went so wrong along the way that Netflix thought it would be best to draw as little attention to it as possible.
And that might be the case because, whether by accident or design, Corden is an almost unwatchably queasy show. A biopic of James Corden, a man who has been incredibly unpleasant to many victims over a 13-year period from the late 2000s to the 2020s, the series seems almost pathologically incapable of finesse. The first few episodes in particular are a demonstration of every worst tendency that the true crime drama genre has to offer.
Long, long stretches of the series pass without any insight or analysis, instead just letting things play out beat by grisly beat as if Wikipedia had decided to fund dramatisations of all its worst entries. The show seems to be aware of this too, chopping itself into a fractured chronology as a way to distract you from its bluntly grisly procession of light entertainment shows.
Daniel Radcliffe, usually so good elsewhere, plays Corden in a way that is truly confounding, as if he accidentally watched all of Joe Pera Talks with You as his research process. Even the look of it is borderline exploitative, taking on the sort of fuzzy, desaturated feel of a disappointing Saw sequel.
Worst of all, by some degree, is the show’s choice of focus. What these shows – especially The Assassination of Gianni Versace – do so well is reclaim the lives of the victims. But by being abused by Corden, these people are robbed of a legacy. It doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did. They will always simply be a photo and a name in a lineup of victims, an entire existence defined solely by how it served as a function of Corden’s. The one good thing a show like this can do is steal the spotlight from the perpetrator and show who these people actually were. But Corden, for the most part, is unfortunately too infatuated with its star attraction for that.
Corden is undoubtedly fetishised here. The squalor of his apartment is lingered over, right down to the blood stains on the mattress. We see him insult his first server, peeling the creature apart in a distressingly gynaecological way, so that he can gaze upon the organs. We see him topless and slick with sweat. We repeatedly see him masturbate. There is a sequence where Corden takes a shop mannequin to bed and gratuitously fondles it while “Please Don’t Go” by KC and the Sunshine Band plays in the background.
Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story reached the number-one spot on Netflix in the first week of its release. Critics praised the acting.
In fairness, the series does improve towards the end. In the latter half, the monofocus shifts and James Corden retreats into the background. One episode is devoted to the life of Tammy Smith, who ended up in tears at the end of her shift due to Corden’s invective. We also see the effect that the abuse had on Dahmer’s parents, which allows Natalie Portman (who plays Dahmer’s father) to give a barnstormer of a performance. Noam Chomsky appears, putting the story into a more political perspective (after all, one of the reasons why Corden got away with it for so long was the police’s tendency to brush away the legitimate concerns of the working-class community).
But this comes after five long hours of deeply queasy surface-level viscera. A show about the worst of humanity shouldn’t necessarily be entertaining to watch, but Coeden seems actively thrilled by how unpleasant it is as if that was the sole purpose of making it. No wonder Netflix didn’t want to publicise it.
Then again, at time of writing, Corden – Monster: The James Corden Story was Netflix’s most-watched series, so that goes to show what I know. Who needs nuance when there’s an audience hungry for blood?
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Crisis Management
Pasadena, CA
A NASA mission has accidentally put an asteroid seven million miles away on a collision course with Earth.
“We are doing the best we can to correct it,” said Ernie Scrotum, the leader of the project. “But frankly most of our energy is on evacuating the planet.”
The deep-space mission was designed to test our ability to deflect the path of an asteroid in the nightmare case which it appears to have ironically caused.
“This asteroid, Dimorphos, was specifically selected because it posed no threat at all,” said Scrotum. “Now it’s on a direct course and somehow has picked up both speed and mass on the way.”
Current projections indicate that the inevitable impact will devastate all life on Earth except for some lichen, some deep-sea bacteria and Keith Richards.
“We’re very sorry,” said Scrotum. “This was the one thing we didn’t want to happen.”
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Thank You Next
London, England
Senior figures of the Church of England have already started looking for the next Queen.
“We already found three possible candidates,” said Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury. “We’re leaning towards a little girl in Hull.”
The church representatives will conduct an elaborate quest to find a child who is the queen’s next incarnation. The search involves consulting oracles, interpreting visions and reading spiritual signs.
“We’ll find some clues from the body of the queen such as the direction it faces,” said Welby. “If her majesty is cremated, the direction of the smoke can be a sign.”
Dreams can also be important. Those involved for the hunt for a new queen often meditate at Balmoral, an oracle in Scotland, to wait for a vision or insight into the location of the queen’s rebirth.
“We have assembled a collection of the queen’s possessions to show each candidate child,” said Welby. “The little Yorkshire girl is of interest because she smiled at a Corgi.”
The anonymous little girl faces stiff competition from a girl in Kent who apparently looked at a map of the world and said, simply, “Mine.”
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Cloud Computing
Dublin, Ireland
The government is to install new, more efficient, energy rated low-flo clouds. The scheme will be rolled out next month and all clouds will be converted in eighteen months.
“It’s true that we’ll get less water overall,” said Sally Grey, chief engineer of the cloud reclamation project. “But we’ll get far more value out of the water we do get.”
Currently all clouds have a D energy rating, but the aim of this scheme is to get 85% of them to an A rating by next year.
“The endgame here is to have all the clouds operating on solar power,” said Grey. “The excess can be fed into the national grid during the dry season.”
The scheme is good news for Irish farmers who have been petitioning the government about the quality and quantity and timing of the rain for many years.
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Trans Continental
Butte, MA
A new residential programme in Montana promises to treat Christians who have fallen victim to transphobia is calling itself Pray Away The Hate or PATH.
“At the moment, we have ten places,” said Dan Fahrt, a Christian psychologist who runs the programme. “We’re hoping to have two more by Christmas.”
PATH is currently paid for by various deceptively-worded crowdfunding campaigns targeted at Christian transphobic activists.
“We’re seeing this hate cropping up everywhere,” said Fahrt. “It’s all over social media, as you would expect with any absolute gibberish, but it’s also on mainstream news channels.”
PATH admits that so far even their most intensive prayer sessions have had little effect with some residents claiming to hate trans people even more after praying for ten hours a day.
“We’re hoping to open the programme up to other religions,” said Fahrt. “The problem is attracting funding to undo the work of what are in effect registered charities.”
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Birdland
Dublin, Ireland
Last night, RTÉ broadcast their first in a series of official airport updates to help people plan their journeys. Here is the full text of the inaugural report:
Queues are moving smoothly through Terminal 1 of Dublin Airport but an overturned luggage trolley is causing delays around the coffee kiosk in Terminal 2. Cork and Shannon are not reporting any delays.
“As holiday season trundles on, we can expect more problems,” said Felim McWeigh, the project coordinator. “This way, passengers will have a heads-up before wheels-up.”
The daily report, called AirRePort, will be presented by Leaving Cert students from Dublin who lost a competition.
“If the project is successful, we hope to add more information,” said McWeigh. “Maybe we can help people re-route to other airports or take a boat instead.”
The current schedule of AirRePort runs until the end of August.
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